this is not the time to be squeamish about throwing things away. i have all these ambitious thoughts about being such a good packer, and i dont have to leave anything here and all of that. needless to say, i dont think thats going to happen. i am a terrible packer and i like to keep things. i think my goal for the rest of my life is going to have to be throwing away one thing every day that i thought i needed to keep. a few minutes ago, i decided that i should only take home what can fit in my car, but i cant see that working out. 11th grade english has once again come to haunt me--"simplify, simplify, simplify." geh.
oh, i have lots of goals lately. by this time two years from now, i want to have been or on my way to europe. of course, before i do that, ill need a laptop, i think. so i can write things down faster. so theres another goal. [gah, and then theres the question of whether i should get a mac or PC. at this point, im pretty much adapted to either one, so i really really dont know. i am torn.] although, the thought of visiting europe is puzzling--do you go lots of places because its cheap, and youre in europe for heavens sakes, and you ought to go everywhere you can while you can? or do you stay relatively put for a couple of weeks and really get a feel for whichever city you chose? i dont know. i would imagine that i would start out intending to stay in one place and then when i get there i would realize and then go everywhere.
i have my summer reading list all started, and i cant wait to read them. i think i will start ballet lessons again. but i might wait until fall, so i can still take vacations and stuff. maybe i will take a roadtrip. i have been getting a lot of rocks in my flipflops lately. i dont know how that works out. i dont have any scotch tape either. i dont know how that works out. i need to remember that throwing things away is not bad. its good. i need to not be scared of remembering. and i need to remember the right kinds of things. and: if anyone wants to come help me pack, i will not be opposed.
i am so so very afraid of having no friends once i go home. and this time, im stuck there, for at least a while, so its not like i can just be like "o well, no friends for summer. lucky for me i'll have them in the fall again" because im mostly sure i wont be back?, except for here and there. and i know that i will talk to my friends that i already have and stuff and i have my best friends from highschool there, but they are busy and i dont see them that much. there really is just something to be said for people who can keep up and who are on the same wavelength. and are in the same place. so if you want to be my friend in illinois, i will let you and it will be happy. and if you want to be my friend on IM or email or whatever, please feel free.! i will still be happy; im a word girl. and ill probably even talk to you and write back, even if i dont know you. unless you're creepy. then, maybe not so much.
oh, and i will miss my own space. and going places when i want to and if i feel like eating hotfudge for dinner, then eating it for dinner. you just can do those things at home sometimes. and i will miss being alone. i mean, i am alone at home sometimes, but it is a different kind of alone. im not sure i can explain exactly.
now that i have completed 4 years of college, i have everything i need--if i were to come back in the fall, i wouldnt have to buy curtains or hangers or nails or a chair or any of those annoying things that you need and should have and dont at the beginning of every semester. but i dont need them anymore. and thats sad. but i feel dumb getting rid of them because of its mine, and it goes with me. you know?
right now, i have all matching hangers. white plastic, walmart. they cost like 4 cents. and most everyone i know has generally the same. i want to know when and how you get to the point where you cease to have matching hangers in life. i mean, how does that even happen? if i get to that point, i will be sad. im not too organized or anything, but the white hangers are something i can count on.
and let me just say that i have a thing for boxing. im not sure if i would really like it if i went to go see an actual boxing match or something, but that one book i read about boxing? i loved it. and i watched a movie about it the other day, and it was really lovely too. [i think now would be the time to watch his boxing movie, because now i can appreciate it. boxing, like writing and loving and so many other things, comes from the inside out. you have to keep your eyes open and move quickly. you have to stay on your feet. most of all, you have to watch, with your eyes open and then let it come up from deep inside of you.
"i learned three important things in college: to use a library, to memorize quickly and visually, to drop asleep at any given time given a horizontal surface and fifteen [two?] minutes. what i could not learn was to think creatively on schedule." ah, no matter. i will keep writing, i suppose. and when i get home, im going to start sending out manuscripts.
i dont feel like ive changed enough to leave.
but there will be leaving. i mean, some people come to college and grow up. they know what they want to do and they get married and stuff. im not getting married and i still dont know quite what im doing. i forgot how to write academic papers mostly, and i can almost write poems, but one should never go to into debt to become a poet. [lets just pause and say that i have never known a mr. rogers that i didnt love. this mr. rogers, and probably the last one, changed my life and the way i write and everything.] so, im not really sure what i accomplished, really. i dont feel like im done growing, which, of course, im not. but i wish i felt a little more comfortable and settled with how im turning out. theres so much i want to be and do and see and write and tell.
if i have left you without saying goodbye, its because i dont know what to say, and i hate to cry. not because i dont want to. and this ways its more like see you later. and thats happier. and really, i dont know what to say. i feel like there are so many things i should say, but i dont know what they are.
i want chocolate milk and waffle house and i want to cuddle and watch a good movie. and i didnt mean for this to be all weird or whatever. im not terriblyterribly sad, per se, [just a little] but mostly just unsure and kindof wobbly. and something clever will come soon, maybe?
yes, i will miss this. and you.
Posted 5/19/2006 2:55 PM
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
"ARGHHH!!!
i wish i had the superpower to disappear.
but, alas, i cannot! i am but a mere mortal! and what then when a person is thrown around by life's cruel intentions? will we not drown in the depths of such madness? wail about in the clear, sticky web, spun by some egomaniacal force? are we not all hidden in this veil of mortal ignorance? we are all different--so are we not all the same? are we but dreamers in a container of liquid nitrogen--freezing in a binary machine of infinirt inferiority?! this dream is never-ending! this conversation never happened! all that exists is the english* exam! my life is nothing after the bubbles are darkened!
the caveat is the textbook--her eyes stab into the gray brain of illogical conclusions. and who then will solve life's mysteries--the reports floating in cyberspace, the news-bits in the ten-second media blitz that derives forbidden pleasure from economic meltdowns and the unforeseen destruction of foreign economic policy??are we not men and women who deny this marshmallow-world, with all of its mushy truth--its own self-absorbed bitterness that falls like a single tear, with majesty as ephemeral as a swan floating on its own reflection?!?!?!??!???
answer me! for the truth, i must know! in all of its unknowable-glory! so i can die--a happy girl!* will i not know? can i know? or will these truths forever escape me like a mink hiding in a foxhole. had we only the patience, an understanding, could we know such things--but patience does not exist. there exists nothing but single moments that live and die. and tuesday* was* my 18th century drama* final.* and after thursday* will be the end of the world. but until then i exist to study. after thursday* will be the end of the world! make peace with God. make peace with nature, for the truth will set everyone free!
good day!"
p.s words followed by a star [*] may be substituted for applicable word of choice.
Posted 5/16/2006 6:28 PM
i wish i had the superpower to disappear.
but, alas, i cannot! i am but a mere mortal! and what then when a person is thrown around by life's cruel intentions? will we not drown in the depths of such madness? wail about in the clear, sticky web, spun by some egomaniacal force? are we not all hidden in this veil of mortal ignorance? we are all different--so are we not all the same? are we but dreamers in a container of liquid nitrogen--freezing in a binary machine of infinirt inferiority?! this dream is never-ending! this conversation never happened! all that exists is the english* exam! my life is nothing after the bubbles are darkened!
the caveat is the textbook--her eyes stab into the gray brain of illogical conclusions. and who then will solve life's mysteries--the reports floating in cyberspace, the news-bits in the ten-second media blitz that derives forbidden pleasure from economic meltdowns and the unforeseen destruction of foreign economic policy??are we not men and women who deny this marshmallow-world, with all of its mushy truth--its own self-absorbed bitterness that falls like a single tear, with majesty as ephemeral as a swan floating on its own reflection?!?!?!??!???
answer me! for the truth, i must know! in all of its unknowable-glory! so i can die--a happy girl!* will i not know? can i know? or will these truths forever escape me like a mink hiding in a foxhole. had we only the patience, an understanding, could we know such things--but patience does not exist. there exists nothing but single moments that live and die. and tuesday* was* my 18th century drama* final.* and after thursday* will be the end of the world. but until then i exist to study. after thursday* will be the end of the world! make peace with God. make peace with nature, for the truth will set everyone free!
good day!"
p.s words followed by a star [*] may be substituted for applicable word of choice.
Posted 5/16/2006 6:28 PM
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
so, um, i ate some caterpillar tonight. you dont have to tell me. im awesome. [but just sometimes.]
Posted 5/2/2006 10:13 PM
Monday, October 22, 2007
sugar and toast, justice and grace
i confess because i am embarrassed and sad: i did not do the global commute last night.
i went to see JB instead [which was reallyreally lovely, and i learned things and was inspired]. but in my head, i was walking for them. i was. and that doesnt do a lot, i realize. but i am still learning how to care, so be patient with me next time, i will walk. and in the meantime, i will make myself look, to remember.
you know, its funny coming from a southern baptist background, and then leaving it when i was a sophomore in highschool. i learned some things, and there is a world outside of the convention. but then for college, i came back to it. bleh. and i remembered that i am glad i left it. and then i had ethics, and the principles of that class mostly changed how i think about things, and i am glad. except for i cant reconcile them. i cant make taking care of "the least of these" reconcile with my good republican, baptist belief that welfare is hardly ever the solution and that those people have to get jobs and such, because that is the way to help them. i cant make things make sense like that. the one person i asked at home lectured me about the social gospel something or other, which is not what i meant at all. i just want to know if there is, in fact, a way to love the least of these in the way that we ought and have a strong economy and maintain the strength of the Gospel.
hmmm, in other news: im still very busy. on friday i got an email that said "hey, how about that thesis?" and i said uh-oh. just like my parents told me i would. but i thought it would be okay since i wrote like 20 pages of it already [during break!] but, alas, it will not be okay. because i am a perfectionist and i do not have time. poems it is, then. --dont get me wrong, not poems because they are easier, because they are not. poems are always harder than prose. and they may be harder, but at least they are shorter. and at this point, i would rather race the 5 year old up the street running full speed than jog/walk a marathon.
i am irritated that some decisions just come down to getting married or not. i was talking to my mother the other day about grad school, and we came to the conclusion that if i married someone [rich] then i could go get my masters in creative writing, because that is the most impractical thing probably ever. and if i didnt get married [to someone rich] then i probably should get a masters in library science so i could get a job. and while we were not exactly serious about the rich part, it would make the decision easier, i think.
[my mother is funny. and i was glad for my parents this week.]
[dont get me wrong: i want to get married and i want 8 kids and everything] but im in no hurry. i think there are things to do first.? like homework. and other stuff. now, if the boy would sit with me and remind me that i should be doing homework, that would be something.
someone told me this week that i should maybe consider settling, because no one ever likes you as much as you want. i disagree. at least, i hope i disagree.
and none of this is set in stone, mind you. tomorrow, it will probably be completely different in my head. i almost decided not to write this stuff down, because gah! one just doesnt talk about marriage--its messy and because its bound to just make more messes and make people [myself included] worry about things that we shouldnt worry about because there are better things to worry about--not more important things, just, at this moment, better. but i think its the "almost-graduating-and-not-almost-married" syndrome that is effecting even me. and i swore it wouldnt. bother. but o well, here it is. [and apparently, its normal anyway?] i decided that since my mind can be changed, theres less harm in writing down todays opinions.
but here is my new irrational fear from this past week: i really dont want to marry someone who is perfect. or even someone who is almost perfect. and i know that technically i dont have to worry about that, because no one is, but there are people who think they are almost perfect. and i just cant keep up with that. so i say no. and im allowed to do that. hurrah.
bleh! enough of that, at least for now.
oh. poetry. i never thought in a million years that i would be writing it.
i like peas.
i dont like centeredness. [self or otherwise]
i do like thick skin and consistency and people who can carry on conversations and the people who you can get a hold of when you need them.
im forgetting how to write academically, and i think thats almost a problem. but also, im okay with it as long as i dont fail something.
and isnt it weird that sometimes, even when people are the exact same age as you, you feel way younger, and sometimes, even when they are older or younger, you feel the exact same age as them.
the song moon river is probably one of the only things in the world that just makes me want to write when i hear it.
p.s. if anyone wants to read any poems this week, i will let you. and you can tell me exactly what you think about them, and you can be perfectly honest and i wont even cry. i will probably give you a cookie.
isnt it something how we hurt each other when we dont even mean to? and then sometimes, someone does something that helps tremendously, but they dont even know it.
my car broke, but it was fixed for only 10 dollars. happy sigh.
the thing im excited most about this summer is getting to read again. i forget how much i really just love to read. but the first thing im doing when i get home besides sleeping is watching sound of music. and thats that.
once, when i was eleven or so, i thought i grasped the concept of God outside time. just for a moment. i remember it really clearly. i was talking with my best friend about it and i just stopped because i was thinking so hard about it and i almost understood. and then, after a just half a moment, it was lost again and i was confused again.
last night, for just a moment, i almost understood again. not specifically God outside time, but other things--being real [that ever vague, ever lusted after term], choosing how to choose [to borrow the phrase], and what matters in life [priorities are not my strong suite].
and it only lasted a minute again, but still. its strange.
sometimes, you just want some toast, you know?
yesterday, i had the hiccupps and i took a teaspoon of sugar, and it worked.
also, this morning apparently the fire alarm went off, and i slept right through it. i have serious problems. people have always told me that if there ever were a fire and the alarms went off i would wake up, but it went off this morning [for who knows why, there was no fire.] and i definately slept through it. so, please. if you are ever in the same building/ room/ whatever with me and theres a fire, wake me up. pretty please?
currently playing: glycerine // bush
Posted 4/30/2006 3:41 PM
i went to see JB instead [which was reallyreally lovely, and i learned things and was inspired]. but in my head, i was walking for them. i was. and that doesnt do a lot, i realize. but i am still learning how to care, so be patient with me next time, i will walk. and in the meantime, i will make myself look, to remember.
you know, its funny coming from a southern baptist background, and then leaving it when i was a sophomore in highschool. i learned some things, and there is a world outside of the convention. but then for college, i came back to it. bleh. and i remembered that i am glad i left it. and then i had ethics, and the principles of that class mostly changed how i think about things, and i am glad. except for i cant reconcile them. i cant make taking care of "the least of these" reconcile with my good republican, baptist belief that welfare is hardly ever the solution and that those people have to get jobs and such, because that is the way to help them. i cant make things make sense like that. the one person i asked at home lectured me about the social gospel something or other, which is not what i meant at all. i just want to know if there is, in fact, a way to love the least of these in the way that we ought and have a strong economy and maintain the strength of the Gospel.
hmmm, in other news: im still very busy. on friday i got an email that said "hey, how about that thesis?" and i said uh-oh. just like my parents told me i would. but i thought it would be okay since i wrote like 20 pages of it already [during break!] but, alas, it will not be okay. because i am a perfectionist and i do not have time. poems it is, then. --dont get me wrong, not poems because they are easier, because they are not. poems are always harder than prose. and they may be harder, but at least they are shorter. and at this point, i would rather race the 5 year old up the street running full speed than jog/walk a marathon.
i am irritated that some decisions just come down to getting married or not. i was talking to my mother the other day about grad school, and we came to the conclusion that if i married someone [rich] then i could go get my masters in creative writing, because that is the most impractical thing probably ever. and if i didnt get married [to someone rich] then i probably should get a masters in library science so i could get a job. and while we were not exactly serious about the rich part, it would make the decision easier, i think.
[my mother is funny. and i was glad for my parents this week.]
[dont get me wrong: i want to get married and i want 8 kids and everything] but im in no hurry. i think there are things to do first.? like homework. and other stuff. now, if the boy would sit with me and remind me that i should be doing homework, that would be something.
someone told me this week that i should maybe consider settling, because no one ever likes you as much as you want. i disagree. at least, i hope i disagree.
and none of this is set in stone, mind you. tomorrow, it will probably be completely different in my head. i almost decided not to write this stuff down, because gah! one just doesnt talk about marriage--its messy and because its bound to just make more messes and make people [myself included] worry about things that we shouldnt worry about because there are better things to worry about--not more important things, just, at this moment, better. but i think its the "almost-graduating-and-not-almost-married" syndrome that is effecting even me. and i swore it wouldnt. bother. but o well, here it is. [and apparently, its normal anyway?] i decided that since my mind can be changed, theres less harm in writing down todays opinions.
but here is my new irrational fear from this past week: i really dont want to marry someone who is perfect. or even someone who is almost perfect. and i know that technically i dont have to worry about that, because no one is, but there are people who think they are almost perfect. and i just cant keep up with that. so i say no. and im allowed to do that. hurrah.
bleh! enough of that, at least for now.
oh. poetry. i never thought in a million years that i would be writing it.
i like peas.
i dont like centeredness. [self or otherwise]
i do like thick skin and consistency and people who can carry on conversations and the people who you can get a hold of when you need them.
im forgetting how to write academically, and i think thats almost a problem. but also, im okay with it as long as i dont fail something.
and isnt it weird that sometimes, even when people are the exact same age as you, you feel way younger, and sometimes, even when they are older or younger, you feel the exact same age as them.
the song moon river is probably one of the only things in the world that just makes me want to write when i hear it.
p.s. if anyone wants to read any poems this week, i will let you. and you can tell me exactly what you think about them, and you can be perfectly honest and i wont even cry. i will probably give you a cookie.
isnt it something how we hurt each other when we dont even mean to? and then sometimes, someone does something that helps tremendously, but they dont even know it.
my car broke, but it was fixed for only 10 dollars. happy sigh.
the thing im excited most about this summer is getting to read again. i forget how much i really just love to read. but the first thing im doing when i get home besides sleeping is watching sound of music. and thats that.
once, when i was eleven or so, i thought i grasped the concept of God outside time. just for a moment. i remember it really clearly. i was talking with my best friend about it and i just stopped because i was thinking so hard about it and i almost understood. and then, after a just half a moment, it was lost again and i was confused again.
last night, for just a moment, i almost understood again. not specifically God outside time, but other things--being real [that ever vague, ever lusted after term], choosing how to choose [to borrow the phrase], and what matters in life [priorities are not my strong suite].
and it only lasted a minute again, but still. its strange.
sometimes, you just want some toast, you know?
yesterday, i had the hiccupps and i took a teaspoon of sugar, and it worked.
also, this morning apparently the fire alarm went off, and i slept right through it. i have serious problems. people have always told me that if there ever were a fire and the alarms went off i would wake up, but it went off this morning [for who knows why, there was no fire.] and i definately slept through it. so, please. if you are ever in the same building/ room/ whatever with me and theres a fire, wake me up. pretty please?
currently playing: glycerine // bush
Posted 4/30/2006 3:41 PM
not exaggurating.
the past week[ish] [and i am not exaggurating]:
-- my greatgrandmother passed away
-- my parents and littlest sisters came to see me and we ate and stuff. it was good
and fun.
and i heard funny stories.
-- had about 47156 meetings
-- worked 25 hours.
-- slept for 25 hours [9 of those on a couch somewhere]
-- was in the DMS lab for 40+ hours
-- in class for 10 hours
-- skipped 3 classes [so i could be in the DMS lab]
-- made a Torch [mostly with her and him. they are pretty much my favorites.
and i feel kindof lost without them now.
times square dance forever]
also: it will be printed in two weeks, and you can all see it. its beautiful. and im
not kidding.
-- been to the printers. twice.
-- also, got lost on the way there.
-- argued with the DMS printer a lot of times.
-- learned how to use InDesign a lot better than i did before
-- edited my eyes out.
-- laughed a bunch.
-- co-wrote the best editorial [in Torch history.]
-- i think i took some showers?
-- i may have eaten. i know i did eat some grapes and reese's peanutbuttercup
eggs and cheeze-its one time. and a waffle once.
-- broken 6-7 peoples hearts probably.
-- spun around a million times in the DMS chairs.
-- watched the sun come up 3 times
-- listened to some really good music.
-- been really mad a few times.
-- watched a lady shuffle papers for an hour.
-- learned about copyright law. and acupuncture points.
-- thought about a lot of things
-- i have not understood some things, but people wont explain.
-- wrote a poem
-- was embarrassed at least 3 times
-- decided about graduation, etc.
-- went to klemata
-- answered emails
-- made and answered a million phone calls
-- lost my favorite pair of earrings, and then bought a new pair for a dollar and
then found the old ones.
-- gotten [the real kind of poked] about 326 times.
-- and also, i stubbed my toe, and got a scratch on my finger.
i forget what else. mostly i just ran around like crazy like a chicken. and now i am sleepy. but satisfied, i think. and alive. hum.
real thoughts later, i promise.
currently playing: fast car
Posted 4/23/2006 12:08 AM
-- my greatgrandmother passed away
-- my parents and littlest sisters came to see me and we ate and stuff. it was good
and fun.
and i heard funny stories.
-- had about 47156 meetings
-- worked 25 hours.
-- slept for 25 hours [9 of those on a couch somewhere]
-- was in the DMS lab for 40+ hours
-- in class for 10 hours
-- skipped 3 classes [so i could be in the DMS lab]
-- made a Torch [mostly with her and him. they are pretty much my favorites.
and i feel kindof lost without them now.
times square dance forever]
also: it will be printed in two weeks, and you can all see it. its beautiful. and im
not kidding.
-- been to the printers. twice.
-- also, got lost on the way there.
-- argued with the DMS printer a lot of times.
-- learned how to use InDesign a lot better than i did before
-- edited my eyes out.
-- laughed a bunch.
-- co-wrote the best editorial [in Torch history.]
-- i think i took some showers?
-- i may have eaten. i know i did eat some grapes and reese's peanutbuttercup
eggs and cheeze-its one time. and a waffle once.
-- broken 6-7 peoples hearts probably.
-- spun around a million times in the DMS chairs.
-- watched the sun come up 3 times
-- listened to some really good music.
-- been really mad a few times.
-- watched a lady shuffle papers for an hour.
-- learned about copyright law. and acupuncture points.
-- thought about a lot of things
-- i have not understood some things, but people wont explain.
-- wrote a poem
-- was embarrassed at least 3 times
-- decided about graduation, etc.
-- went to klemata
-- answered emails
-- made and answered a million phone calls
-- lost my favorite pair of earrings, and then bought a new pair for a dollar and
then found the old ones.
-- gotten [the real kind of poked] about 326 times.
-- and also, i stubbed my toe, and got a scratch on my finger.
i forget what else. mostly i just ran around like crazy like a chicken. and now i am sleepy. but satisfied, i think. and alive. hum.
real thoughts later, i promise.
currently playing: fast car
Posted 4/23/2006 12:08 AM
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
i am running around. like a chicken.
currently playing: death cab for cutie
Posted 4/11/2006 12:11 PM
currently playing: death cab for cutie
Posted 4/11/2006 12:11 PM
[the world offers itself to your imagination]
it has been an unexpected week. my goodness. not that i didnt expect this week to happen, because i did. but unexpected things happened this week. you know.
my blinds are open, and its so windy. its making lots of noises. but just now i gave up and opened them. it makes my room hot because it is hot outside, but i like to let the nighttime in. even if i dont have my woods and drunk men anymore.
here is a poem that i do not entirely agree with, because maybe you should be good and repent sometimes, but it meant something to me this week, regardless:
wild geese
you do not have to be good.
you do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
you only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
tell me about dispair, yours, and i will tell you mine.
meanwhile, the world goes on.
meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the praries and the deep trees,
and the mountains and the rivers.
meanwhile, the whold geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
this week was confusing. things that are fine, were not fine and things that should not be fine, were. and things were weird, and backwards, and one minute i was feeling one way, and the next completely another. not even like mood swings, cause thats not what they were, just something else. and i couldnt decide if i am how i am supposed to be [not how i want to be, mind you. but rather: maybe i shouldnt write? maybe my hair should be longer? maybe i should move to new zealand? or give blood? maybe.maybe.maybe-s all over the place.] and i dont know what i mean by that really, but there it is. and i know where who i am ought to be found, of course, but that is hard, and im not really sure exactly what it means in real life. all i know is what they say in sunday school, and im not sure that always translates neatly, or even at all. although it should.[!]
lucky for me, internet quizzes exist for just this reason.
my inner hair color is brunette ["you are mysterious and alluring]. i am a converse shoe ["because you like them and look good in them."] i am pocahontas ["mysterious."] if i were a sharpie, i would be turquoise ["follow the rainbow next time you see it."] if i were a constellation, i would be cygnus, the swan. ["you're the elegance and grace of the constellations"] i should be a comic writer ["you have plenty of material"], and i am mud pie ["perfect combination of flavor and depth."] isnt it funny how these things are never like "congratulations! you suck as a person, and at life. most people hate you. 838733 took this quiz. 2% of people got this result" they are always complimentary. but not always wrong, i dont think. for example, i got this result for one of them: "Your inner self has really nice eyelashes, and you know a good wink is worth a thousand words. Emoticons bug you, because ; ) is such a poor substitute for the real thing." and thats true! [well, i dont hate them, i just do think the real thing is super much better.] and i do have a thing for mascara.
alright i just wasted 35 minutes of my life taking quizzes for the purposes of this paragraph. well, i took one for fun, and then i got addicted. you know. but still 35 minutes wasted. just like that time i watched titanic. gag me with 69 spoons.
one thing i want to know is when its okay to talk about things and process things and work through things, and when they just need to be buried, or let go or both. it cant be healthy to keep everything inside all the time and stuff, but at the same time, whats the use of dragging it all out and everything until you feel sure that you are "over it" and all of that?
last week was national sleep awareness week. i dont think i was aware enough. at all.
but apparently i should do more things when i just wake up, because your brain is all clear. thats when i need to write my thesis. ah hah!
i need to think of more things. in the real way. and read more.
i ran around in the tornado rain last night. i got wet.
"in my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that i've been turning over in my mind ever since. 'whenever you feel like criticizing any one,' he told me, 'just remember that all the people in this world havent had all the advantages that you've had."
i thought of the beginning of gatsby this week because in my group that i was leading there was a girl who said she had just gotten married so her nametag wasnt right anymore. and then, in the middle of the session i was conducting, it hit me that she was a junior in highschool [meaning probably 16 years old], pregnant and she just got married. and it just hit me crazy weird. i mean, she can barely even drive a car, and here she is tackling two of the biggest things in life. and plus highschool. and thats something completely different. i cant imagine getting married right now and i am 21, let alone pregnant. eventually? absolutely. but not just yet. and i was impressed at her, and sorry for her and mad at me all at once because i was ungracious in my mind when she was being difficult. when really, it was expected--she was pregnant and all. i am rarely what i mean to be.
nevermind, i dont know what im saying, exactly.
maybe i should eat a cookie [rolie-polie-snickerdoodles [what a name! but they are osogood]] and go to sleep. yes.
Posted 4/2/2006 8:50 PM
my blinds are open, and its so windy. its making lots of noises. but just now i gave up and opened them. it makes my room hot because it is hot outside, but i like to let the nighttime in. even if i dont have my woods and drunk men anymore.
here is a poem that i do not entirely agree with, because maybe you should be good and repent sometimes, but it meant something to me this week, regardless:
wild geese
you do not have to be good.
you do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
you only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
tell me about dispair, yours, and i will tell you mine.
meanwhile, the world goes on.
meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the praries and the deep trees,
and the mountains and the rivers.
meanwhile, the whold geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
this week was confusing. things that are fine, were not fine and things that should not be fine, were. and things were weird, and backwards, and one minute i was feeling one way, and the next completely another. not even like mood swings, cause thats not what they were, just something else. and i couldnt decide if i am how i am supposed to be [not how i want to be, mind you. but rather: maybe i shouldnt write? maybe my hair should be longer? maybe i should move to new zealand? or give blood? maybe.maybe.maybe-s all over the place.] and i dont know what i mean by that really, but there it is. and i know where who i am ought to be found, of course, but that is hard, and im not really sure exactly what it means in real life. all i know is what they say in sunday school, and im not sure that always translates neatly, or even at all. although it should.[!]
lucky for me, internet quizzes exist for just this reason.
my inner hair color is brunette ["you are mysterious and alluring]. i am a converse shoe ["because you like them and look good in them."] i am pocahontas ["mysterious."] if i were a sharpie, i would be turquoise ["follow the rainbow next time you see it."] if i were a constellation, i would be cygnus, the swan. ["you're the elegance and grace of the constellations"] i should be a comic writer ["you have plenty of material"], and i am mud pie ["perfect combination of flavor and depth."] isnt it funny how these things are never like "congratulations! you suck as a person, and at life. most people hate you. 838733 took this quiz. 2% of people got this result" they are always complimentary. but not always wrong, i dont think. for example, i got this result for one of them: "Your inner self has really nice eyelashes, and you know a good wink is worth a thousand words. Emoticons bug you, because ; ) is such a poor substitute for the real thing." and thats true! [well, i dont hate them, i just do think the real thing is super much better.] and i do have a thing for mascara.
alright i just wasted 35 minutes of my life taking quizzes for the purposes of this paragraph. well, i took one for fun, and then i got addicted. you know. but still 35 minutes wasted. just like that time i watched titanic. gag me with 69 spoons.
one thing i want to know is when its okay to talk about things and process things and work through things, and when they just need to be buried, or let go or both. it cant be healthy to keep everything inside all the time and stuff, but at the same time, whats the use of dragging it all out and everything until you feel sure that you are "over it" and all of that?
last week was national sleep awareness week. i dont think i was aware enough. at all.
but apparently i should do more things when i just wake up, because your brain is all clear. thats when i need to write my thesis. ah hah!
i need to think of more things. in the real way. and read more.
i ran around in the tornado rain last night. i got wet.
"in my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that i've been turning over in my mind ever since. 'whenever you feel like criticizing any one,' he told me, 'just remember that all the people in this world havent had all the advantages that you've had."
i thought of the beginning of gatsby this week because in my group that i was leading there was a girl who said she had just gotten married so her nametag wasnt right anymore. and then, in the middle of the session i was conducting, it hit me that she was a junior in highschool [meaning probably 16 years old], pregnant and she just got married. and it just hit me crazy weird. i mean, she can barely even drive a car, and here she is tackling two of the biggest things in life. and plus highschool. and thats something completely different. i cant imagine getting married right now and i am 21, let alone pregnant. eventually? absolutely. but not just yet. and i was impressed at her, and sorry for her and mad at me all at once because i was ungracious in my mind when she was being difficult. when really, it was expected--she was pregnant and all. i am rarely what i mean to be.
nevermind, i dont know what im saying, exactly.
maybe i should eat a cookie [rolie-polie-snickerdoodles [what a name! but they are osogood]] and go to sleep. yes.
Posted 4/2/2006 8:50 PM
the most talented jugglers
[ sad, romantic, gross.
what more do you need?
[besides a ham and cheese.] ]
yesterday, i went to a "business"ish dinner. and sometimes these dinners are not so business-y and then they are pretty fun but yesterday i felt like a real adult and i dont know how im going to acutally survive, cause it was soo boring. and they were all in suits and stuff, and i was in blue jeans and sparkly shoes. o well. no one could see my pants when i sat down, i suppose. but by the rule of 14, which is this clever little thing that i found from like 1950 to tell you if you are appropriately dressed [under 7--underdressed. 7-14--approrriately dressed; higher for dressier of course and over 14 points means that you are overdressed. and it tells you all how to count it up and everything] but anyway, if you go by that, i was fine because i had 9 points. so ha.
but anyway, it was so boring, except when my little end of table just talked amongst ourselves. i sat by interesting people, who were talktoable, which i love when you can really talk to people about whatever you want--love, people, God, weirdest stories ever, and whatever eles. [and i love it when they are imperfect, too] and its the thing to do to ensure survival, i guess. i liked that part. and there was good food, that i didnt have to pay for. i also liked that part, muchly.
i was surprised again today about how much things come back to the simplest of things: captain crunch cereal [my second favorite.]. grammar [necessary, good.]. love [people, things.] and stuff like that.
[ every person i get to meet
a country of rivers
and extravagant palaces ]
so ive been thinking that human beings are pretty much amazing when you think about it because we do so much, and we keep track of so much. example: last time i looked [which was a while ago, admittedly, because i just dont care about facebook, really.] i had something like 200ish friends altogether. [and im sure thats on the low end of number of facebook friends for people. i dont even do anything with facebook.] so, maybe i have more friends now, even. this means that i have some sort of relationship with all of them. and i can keep all of that straight in my head: i know who i like better, and who its okay to talk to when im upset, and who likes certain types of movies and what peoples majors and middle names and hometowns are and all of the conversations ive had with that person and everything that comes along with knowing someone. and thats only the people on facebook! theres all the xanga people that ive met and havent met that i have relationships, of sorts with, and then theres all the friends of friends that i know and know of and all the people in real life [with neither xangas or facebooks or anything] that are just regular adults and then my actually good real friends and then doctors and dentists and all of my relatives and grandparents friends, and people that knew me when i was a baby and parents college friends and their children and the kroger boys who work at night that i see frequentlyish, and the people that i interview for newspaper and such, and professors, and classmates and neighbors and just those people that you know for who knows why.
[and then theres all that other stuff in our brains too, like facts and directions and just things that we dont even think about.]
i mean, i might know 1500 people or more! and i have a unique history with each one of them. and i probably dont even know that many people.
and that is amazing unto me.
and if every single person is a bowling pin or something, then we
are the most talented jugglers the circuses will ever hope to see.
i am unsettled, i think. and things still happen, whether im ready for them or not. and some things are just weird.
but hugs are good and so is nose smushing and cookie mush. these are my favoritest things lately, you know.
my professor said today that we must rehearse until it looks like we havent rehearsed at all and its completely spontaneous.
maybe its that way with prayer and writing and trusting and loving too? its hard to say, but maybe.
there is more, but not right now.
currently playing: joseph arthur // honey and the moon
Posted 3/28/2006 8:02 PM -
what more do you need?
[besides a ham and cheese.] ]
yesterday, i went to a "business"ish dinner. and sometimes these dinners are not so business-y and then they are pretty fun but yesterday i felt like a real adult and i dont know how im going to acutally survive, cause it was soo boring. and they were all in suits and stuff, and i was in blue jeans and sparkly shoes. o well. no one could see my pants when i sat down, i suppose. but by the rule of 14, which is this clever little thing that i found from like 1950 to tell you if you are appropriately dressed [under 7--underdressed. 7-14--approrriately dressed; higher for dressier of course and over 14 points means that you are overdressed. and it tells you all how to count it up and everything] but anyway, if you go by that, i was fine because i had 9 points. so ha.
but anyway, it was so boring, except when my little end of table just talked amongst ourselves. i sat by interesting people, who were talktoable, which i love when you can really talk to people about whatever you want--love, people, God, weirdest stories ever, and whatever eles. [and i love it when they are imperfect, too] and its the thing to do to ensure survival, i guess. i liked that part. and there was good food, that i didnt have to pay for. i also liked that part, muchly.
i was surprised again today about how much things come back to the simplest of things: captain crunch cereal [my second favorite.]. grammar [necessary, good.]. love [people, things.] and stuff like that.
[ every person i get to meet
a country of rivers
and extravagant palaces ]
so ive been thinking that human beings are pretty much amazing when you think about it because we do so much, and we keep track of so much. example: last time i looked [which was a while ago, admittedly, because i just dont care about facebook, really.] i had something like 200ish friends altogether. [and im sure thats on the low end of number of facebook friends for people. i dont even do anything with facebook.] so, maybe i have more friends now, even. this means that i have some sort of relationship with all of them. and i can keep all of that straight in my head: i know who i like better, and who its okay to talk to when im upset, and who likes certain types of movies and what peoples majors and middle names and hometowns are and all of the conversations ive had with that person and everything that comes along with knowing someone. and thats only the people on facebook! theres all the xanga people that ive met and havent met that i have relationships, of sorts with, and then theres all the friends of friends that i know and know of and all the people in real life [with neither xangas or facebooks or anything] that are just regular adults and then my actually good real friends and then doctors and dentists and all of my relatives and grandparents friends, and people that knew me when i was a baby and parents college friends and their children and the kroger boys who work at night that i see frequentlyish, and the people that i interview for newspaper and such, and professors, and classmates and neighbors and just those people that you know for who knows why.
[and then theres all that other stuff in our brains too, like facts and directions and just things that we dont even think about.]
i mean, i might know 1500 people or more! and i have a unique history with each one of them. and i probably dont even know that many people.
and that is amazing unto me.
and if every single person is a bowling pin or something, then we
are the most talented jugglers the circuses will ever hope to see.
i am unsettled, i think. and things still happen, whether im ready for them or not. and some things are just weird.
but hugs are good and so is nose smushing and cookie mush. these are my favoritest things lately, you know.
my professor said today that we must rehearse until it looks like we havent rehearsed at all and its completely spontaneous.
maybe its that way with prayer and writing and trusting and loving too? its hard to say, but maybe.
there is more, but not right now.
currently playing: joseph arthur // honey and the moon
Posted 3/28/2006 8:02 PM -
mmmmkay.
isnt it a nice feeling on the first afternoon of break? that i made it--i think[?] and then you do something lovely or really just anything that isnt what you are trying to escape from just to prove to yourself that you really did make it, and you remember that you did, and you are happy. now if i can just make it through the rest of everything, which i might not, i suppose. i would almost rather not, it would be rather tragically romantic, wouldnt it? but actually, its because then i have to do something after it, and heaven knows what that is. i suppose its kindof like on big fish, which i watched yesterday: it would be a little helpful to know how you die because then you would know that you could make it though everything else. but we dont have that luxury, so we just have to trust.
------------------------
here is a question about microwaves: if you want something to cook for 98 seconds, when you type that in, does it automatically make it into 1min38seconds? or does it understand 98 seconds? is this universal on all microwaves? i would try it on ours, but it seems to be in a rather perilous state, lately.
and also, if january is waffle time, march is granola bar time. the fudge-dipped chocolate chip kind. which totally defeats the point of the granola, but o well!
---------------------------
i am packing right now for spring break. tomorrow at eight in the morning, my family and i will leave for florida. since it is fiveishoclock in the morning right now, i will probably not go to sleep, and then sleep for nine hours in the car tomorrow. it will be fun.
i decided that one of the reasons i am not a good packer is because i allow for entirely too many possibilities, and also, i overestimate. for example, right now im thinking things like "sure, i can read 12 books, and write a thesis this week, no problem." and "probably all of this unexpected stuff will happen, so i should pack something to wear for every occassion, plus the regular stuff" but probably nothing will happen, and i will wear jeans and tshirts the whole time, and i sure as heck wont get 12 books read, maybe just one and a half or 4. but what can i do but bring them anyway? just in case? maybe,maybe,maybe.
-----------------------------------
speaking of books:
i cant decide if i should write in books or not. elisabeth elliot doesnt, and she carries some weight. she is why i currently dont, actually. but lots and lots of people, do. and lots and lots of people carry weight too. i like the idea of not marking up my books, so i get new things out of them every time i read them. but i also see the importance and necessity of writing everything down. so i dont know. i think my favored option at this moment in time is to write the notes on paper, and then stick them in the back of the book. best of both worlds, maybe?
if you write/publish just one book, but its really awful, does that make you an author?
and why is it that people insist on putting things like "the rhetoric and poetics of aristotle" or cicero or plato for their favorite books?! this could only mean 3 things: 1) they are so poorly read that they dont know anything better. and i know that those guys are terribly important in the world, and they probably changed the shape of world history and all of that, but really. there are some other really amazing things to read that dont cause you to fall asleep after the first 3 paragraphs. and why they picked those to read if they werent going to read anything else, i dont know. 2) so, if they have read everything else, and those really are their favorites: this means they are really boring.[!] or ought to be the president of MENSA or something. i dont know. probably both. and 3) they really dont like these books, and maybe they havent even made it through them yet, but they think people will think they are smart and cool if those are their "favorites." and thats just pathetic. and ridiculous. [note to self: write down thoughts about imperfection very soon. this is important.]
or maybe they really like them? its always a possibility, however vague, i guess. hrm.
---------------------------
also, i want to know about ideas: are they person-specific? like if thomas jefferson didnt manage to invent the lightbulb for whatever reason, would someone else have done it eventually, because we were destined to have lightbulbs around? or would we just never have had them, and they would have altered the course of history, or whatnot.
and if adam and eve had never sinned, would someone else have instead?
i was thinking about ernest hemingway the other day, and hes very sexy of course, but how awful it would be to be the "lost generation." awful in the big romantic way, you know. they were totally encompassed by 2 huge wars, and a nearly international depression [i think?] and stuff, and then they set themselves in paris, where the town itself and the culture and history is nearly overpowering,especially back then. and then all of your accomplishments and friends and thoughts and possessions would just be gone. like all of ours will be, but they get the title. and ours is more individual. theirs was a whole generation, and therefore more tragic. [which im sure is a wrong mindset for me to have. if hitler only killed one jew, it would still be tragical. well, im not sure. hrm. 6 million-plus might be even more tragical. hard to say.] so perhaps thats why they wrote--to remember. there is a lot to remember. and a lot to know, and see and learn and appreciate and love.
and heres something else: i realize that everyone is special, and made in the image of God, and we have intrinsic worth and all of that. so: why, then, can some people turn albert einstein and mother teresa and others like them, and some people turn into hitler or child molestors or something? and how come the rest of us are just normal, average people? is it circumstances, or training, or just whats inside of you? and how come some people are interesting, and some people you want to be bestest friends with, and some people you just dont? why are some people boring? i mean, at least theoritically, everyone should be interesting, at least a little. so i dont know.
but it is nice to be reminded about why we need each other.
and isnt it wonderful how we take things from each other: an idea from a presentation, a joke from an aquaintence, a laugh from someone down the hall, a book, the music in the background, a conversation with a friend, a prayer at a meal, a hug. and we take these things, and just let them be a part of us and its ours--like little presents for us everyday--and then it just joins into us and becomes part of who we are and we are bigger and better or maybe even worse for it. its so cool.
--------------------------
ive been listening to this:
moon river, wider than a mile, im crossing you in style
someday. o dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going, im going your way. two
drifters off to see the world.
theres such a lot of world to see.
we're after the same rainbows end, waitin' 'round the
bend. my huckleberry friend, moon river and me.
mmm. what more is there to say? [until tomorrow, or something]
Posted 3/20/2006 5:36 AM
------------------------
here is a question about microwaves: if you want something to cook for 98 seconds, when you type that in, does it automatically make it into 1min38seconds? or does it understand 98 seconds? is this universal on all microwaves? i would try it on ours, but it seems to be in a rather perilous state, lately.
and also, if january is waffle time, march is granola bar time. the fudge-dipped chocolate chip kind. which totally defeats the point of the granola, but o well!
---------------------------
i am packing right now for spring break. tomorrow at eight in the morning, my family and i will leave for florida. since it is fiveishoclock in the morning right now, i will probably not go to sleep, and then sleep for nine hours in the car tomorrow. it will be fun.
i decided that one of the reasons i am not a good packer is because i allow for entirely too many possibilities, and also, i overestimate. for example, right now im thinking things like "sure, i can read 12 books, and write a thesis this week, no problem." and "probably all of this unexpected stuff will happen, so i should pack something to wear for every occassion, plus the regular stuff" but probably nothing will happen, and i will wear jeans and tshirts the whole time, and i sure as heck wont get 12 books read, maybe just one and a half or 4. but what can i do but bring them anyway? just in case? maybe,maybe,maybe.
-----------------------------------
speaking of books:
i cant decide if i should write in books or not. elisabeth elliot doesnt, and she carries some weight. she is why i currently dont, actually. but lots and lots of people, do. and lots and lots of people carry weight too. i like the idea of not marking up my books, so i get new things out of them every time i read them. but i also see the importance and necessity of writing everything down. so i dont know. i think my favored option at this moment in time is to write the notes on paper, and then stick them in the back of the book. best of both worlds, maybe?
if you write/publish just one book, but its really awful, does that make you an author?
and why is it that people insist on putting things like "the rhetoric and poetics of aristotle" or cicero or plato for their favorite books?! this could only mean 3 things: 1) they are so poorly read that they dont know anything better. and i know that those guys are terribly important in the world, and they probably changed the shape of world history and all of that, but really. there are some other really amazing things to read that dont cause you to fall asleep after the first 3 paragraphs. and why they picked those to read if they werent going to read anything else, i dont know. 2) so, if they have read everything else, and those really are their favorites: this means they are really boring.[!] or ought to be the president of MENSA or something. i dont know. probably both. and 3) they really dont like these books, and maybe they havent even made it through them yet, but they think people will think they are smart and cool if those are their "favorites." and thats just pathetic. and ridiculous. [note to self: write down thoughts about imperfection very soon. this is important.]
or maybe they really like them? its always a possibility, however vague, i guess. hrm.
---------------------------
also, i want to know about ideas: are they person-specific? like if thomas jefferson didnt manage to invent the lightbulb for whatever reason, would someone else have done it eventually, because we were destined to have lightbulbs around? or would we just never have had them, and they would have altered the course of history, or whatnot.
and if adam and eve had never sinned, would someone else have instead?
i was thinking about ernest hemingway the other day, and hes very sexy of course, but how awful it would be to be the "lost generation." awful in the big romantic way, you know. they were totally encompassed by 2 huge wars, and a nearly international depression [i think?] and stuff, and then they set themselves in paris, where the town itself and the culture and history is nearly overpowering,especially back then. and then all of your accomplishments and friends and thoughts and possessions would just be gone. like all of ours will be, but they get the title. and ours is more individual. theirs was a whole generation, and therefore more tragic. [which im sure is a wrong mindset for me to have. if hitler only killed one jew, it would still be tragical. well, im not sure. hrm. 6 million-plus might be even more tragical. hard to say.] so perhaps thats why they wrote--to remember. there is a lot to remember. and a lot to know, and see and learn and appreciate and love.
and heres something else: i realize that everyone is special, and made in the image of God, and we have intrinsic worth and all of that. so: why, then, can some people turn albert einstein and mother teresa and others like them, and some people turn into hitler or child molestors or something? and how come the rest of us are just normal, average people? is it circumstances, or training, or just whats inside of you? and how come some people are interesting, and some people you want to be bestest friends with, and some people you just dont? why are some people boring? i mean, at least theoritically, everyone should be interesting, at least a little. so i dont know.
but it is nice to be reminded about why we need each other.
and isnt it wonderful how we take things from each other: an idea from a presentation, a joke from an aquaintence, a laugh from someone down the hall, a book, the music in the background, a conversation with a friend, a prayer at a meal, a hug. and we take these things, and just let them be a part of us and its ours--like little presents for us everyday--and then it just joins into us and becomes part of who we are and we are bigger and better or maybe even worse for it. its so cool.
--------------------------
ive been listening to this:
moon river, wider than a mile, im crossing you in style
someday. o dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going, im going your way. two
drifters off to see the world.
theres such a lot of world to see.
we're after the same rainbows end, waitin' 'round the
bend. my huckleberry friend, moon river and me.
mmm. what more is there to say? [until tomorrow, or something]
Posted 3/20/2006 5:36 AM
the courage to be imperfect.
so, the womens fashion industry is rather completely illogical.
{[one of] the proof[s]:} so last week, i was getting ready to go home to go to this wedding, and im freaking out because i have nothing to wear, of course [because at this stage in my life, i shop rather from event to event rather then having set and defined wardrobe possibilities and going from there.] and im freaking out, at least a little because its a goodfriend from highschool and college's wedding, so who even knows who all will be there, [probably everyone] so i probably ought to look at least decently alright, just on principle. so i piddle around stores for ages and ages and finally i found this great navy dress--and its great!, and a pretty good deal and great--and so i bought it, and looked at accessories for a minute, found a $8 handbag that i could modify to be really cute, and it went with the dress, and the shoes i thought i might wear that i already owned. so i was set, with time to spare. and i called my mother to share the good news, and she said that i absolutely couldnt wear burgendy shoes with navy. ladies didnt do that, we wear navy shoes with navy clothes. i told her that i had been shopping for like a week and there were no navy shoes in the entire city, and i made her ask the ladies who were at our house when i called what color shoes they suggested, and they all said navy. i said thats silly, what i have looks great. but then the ladies said they were going to bring me all their navy shoes so i could see them [i think i have a talent for letting everyone share in all my disasters with me. see list below]. so i get home and i look at them and they are all hideous, and old women shoes, and i said this wont do at all. im wearing burgendy shoes. and my father said i will not allow you to go out of the house like that, you'll look ridiculous. and i said but daddy you wear budgendy shoes when you wear a blue suit. im wearing them. the end.
but then, they decided that i should go look at one more shoe place just in case, but i had to go in the morning when they opened. i was there right when they opened, and there were no navy shoes of course, and then i saw 3 people from highschool working there and then i locked my keys in my car and i wasnt even dressed yet, and i only had like half an hour to the wedding, and daddy had to come rescue me and i had to runrunrun to finish getting ready in 4 minutes, and i wore the burgendy ones. and i looked pretty or something.
and then the next day at church, daddy wore a navy suit and he wore burgendy shoes. and i said see.
so the point is that if one clothes company is going to make something so specific as navy or fuschia or whatever, then maybe they should check to see that there is something to go with it. and also, there should be a book or something that has all the possibilities for coordination with each color. so that way, a girl would know once and for all if it is permissible to wear, for example, gold or silver or pearls with said navy, and what shoes really do match. and all of that without having to consult mother and mothers friends and roommates and sister and sisters roommates and random women in the store, and the store clerks everytime you want to wear something. it would really save a lot of time. {end proof.}
although, let me just say that im beginning to be impressed with my sewing skills. i have no sewing skills to speak of, actually, but this is the second dress that i have bought because i have loved it, but it didnt fit quite right somewhere. so i altered them.[!] and you cant even tell! be impressed, cause i sure am.
in other news, and im not even that great with grammar and spelling and such, [goodness, today i cant spell to save my life.] but here is one thing that i have recently noticed that really is obnoxious [not like i cant stand it, because i have a superhigh tolerence level, but still!]: when someone is talking or writing [actually, this seems to happen on IM a lot] and they leave out the verb, but include the subject, which is very often the understood you. so it goes from: "are you going to watch that movie on TV tonight?" to "you going to watch that movie on TV tonight?" and im not entirely sure why, but goodness, that really grates on my nerves. they should just type out the whole thing. come on, its three more letters. but i mean, if they are going to be lazy enough to leave out the are, then they should also be lazy enough to leave out the you, making the sentence read "going to watch that movie on TV tonight?" which is perfectly understandable and nice just as it is. also, it shows a certain amount of confidence in the reader, because you, then, are assuming that they can understand that yes, they are being referred to in that understood kind of sense. gah. and maybemaybe thats just personal preference, and its really perfectly correct. but i dont know.
but of course, i need to brush up on my sentences, because i keep ending my sentences with them on accident.
the world is funny. on my way home, i saw a buffalo herd in alamo, TN, and a giant truck full of pigs, and a hugehuge statue of an elephant, and then a couple hours later, theres one of a chicken. and then theres this "lady of the snows" shrine somewhere, and i havent seen it, but theres all of these signs for it all the time, and i really want to go see it, cause what even is that? its weird and stuff. if i was going to be a lady of something, i wouldnt pick snow. and i pass practically right under the st.louis arch, and i know how it works, but its just crazy that it really does. and people are funny.
and then theres a its funny how we surprise each other; its funny how i surprise myself. i keep learning these new things about how i am, and operate, and such, and i keep being surprised, but i dont know why cause its just the same as i used to be too.
and apparently people are not like me. and i realized this, of course, and everyone is different, and i knew that, but i thought that some things, at least, were universal, but apparently not. that surprises me. and it surprises me which things are universal for real instead. but im not sure if this makes sense.
also, sometimes i drive myself crazy. but sometimes i like me too. most days its a mix.
i feel behind today. probably because i am. thursdays are happy days, because even if you are behind, soon you can catch up. and i get so mad at myself that when theres a lot to do, i flip out and just sit, or run around in circles. both of which are stupid and nonhelpful and irritating. thank heavens for my roommate, who told me one thing at a time. which is, of course, exactly what i need to remember.! i actually need to buy a timer, too. and also, that there are more important things than school, and dying and everything. goodness, how many things are important to me that i forget about on a daily basis.
so im going to make browines today. that will help, probably. and! apparently though, i look like i need hugs, cause ive gotten a lot lately, for no apparent reason. [sometimes boys are just sweet. sometimes obnoxious as heck, etc.etc. but sometimes they are so sweet.] and im not complaining; ill take them, the hugs, i mean.
heres a happy thought for a rainy day [courtesy of AIM]:
me: i dont think you'll melt ;)
him: i hope not
me: it would be tragical i think, and a really weirdo way to die
him: i believe so
me: could they bury you? or if you melted, would you leave a puddle behind, or would it be more along the disolving lines?
him: i doubt it. i'd probably leave a puddle, but if it was raining hard, i think it would all wash away
me: oh, that would be sadder
me: but then!
me: you would evaporate, and then you could go to china or soemthing
me: or someone would drink you chemically distilled and such, if they even do that over there.
[i told my mother something like that just the other day. she did not find it as amusing as i did.] but it sortof reminds me of the steadfast tin soldier, somehow. which is, of course, one of my most favoritest stories. mmm, stories. its snuggly weather, i think.
today smells of evergreens, and rain and the faint remnants of chinese takeout.
my sheets smell of baby lotion, the botanical kind which smells goodgood, cause i accidently left it open after i used it, and then it spilled.
i mostly refuse to say things like: "im so random." and similar phrases. for other people to claim it for you is one thing, but to say it yourself? that is nonhelpful, maybe not true and telling. show dont tell! [plus, its just irritating.] tell me something real about you--be more clever, and honest about yourself, please. and also, what if you arent? i had a roommate one time who said this constantly. but in all actuality, she was the most predictable person ever. i knew what was going to come out of her mouth next at any given moment almost, and im not even very observant. thats probably where my irritation came from. this happens with other phrases too: "you'll just have to come read to see how awesome i am." and the like. please.
but it might be like my shoes: i know im not cool enough for real converses or whatever, so i make a point not to wear them. but i have some very fake ones from target, because sometimes you jsut want to be emo-ish or whateverwhatever, you know. but if no one else knows its fake, does it count, or do they just think im pathetic cause they too know im not that cool?
sometimes i feel funny because sometimes i do things that i want to be or wish that i did, instead of things that i actually am right here and now. i dont know if im just hoping that it will help me be more of what i hope that to become, or what. is that cheating, or lying or something? i dont know if this even makes sense, but im just saying.
we are supposed to be girls, not human interest pieces. [--molly, age 9. ]
i am learning how to be a girl--a real girl.
nevermind the extra 4 pounds, nevermind whether my shoes match exactly, nevermind the rest of it too, because it is not blessed are you if you do these things. nope. i need to remember this muchly.
but also, that doesnt mean that i have to give up the other parts of me--all those apparently quirky things that make me me. the interesting and clever and pretty and obnoxious and mean and the 4 pounds and everything --because it all goes together! [if we could just figure out how.] and that is a clever thing. so i am working on learning how to work with myself, rather than against myself, maybe?
maybe one of the keys is balancing everything until it completes the whole. it is hard, but it might be lovely. in fact, i think it will be, but pretty much not until laterlaterlater.
so much more to say about this. maybe not now.
maybe its something like "beauty in the breakdown.":
it takes a certain amount of courage to be imperfect.
Posted 3/9/2006 3:53 PM -
{[one of] the proof[s]:} so last week, i was getting ready to go home to go to this wedding, and im freaking out because i have nothing to wear, of course [because at this stage in my life, i shop rather from event to event rather then having set and defined wardrobe possibilities and going from there.] and im freaking out, at least a little because its a goodfriend from highschool and college's wedding, so who even knows who all will be there, [probably everyone] so i probably ought to look at least decently alright, just on principle. so i piddle around stores for ages and ages and finally i found this great navy dress--and its great!, and a pretty good deal and great--and so i bought it, and looked at accessories for a minute, found a $8 handbag that i could modify to be really cute, and it went with the dress, and the shoes i thought i might wear that i already owned. so i was set, with time to spare. and i called my mother to share the good news, and she said that i absolutely couldnt wear burgendy shoes with navy. ladies didnt do that, we wear navy shoes with navy clothes. i told her that i had been shopping for like a week and there were no navy shoes in the entire city, and i made her ask the ladies who were at our house when i called what color shoes they suggested, and they all said navy. i said thats silly, what i have looks great. but then the ladies said they were going to bring me all their navy shoes so i could see them [i think i have a talent for letting everyone share in all my disasters with me. see list below]. so i get home and i look at them and they are all hideous, and old women shoes, and i said this wont do at all. im wearing burgendy shoes. and my father said i will not allow you to go out of the house like that, you'll look ridiculous. and i said but daddy you wear budgendy shoes when you wear a blue suit. im wearing them. the end.
but then, they decided that i should go look at one more shoe place just in case, but i had to go in the morning when they opened. i was there right when they opened, and there were no navy shoes of course, and then i saw 3 people from highschool working there and then i locked my keys in my car and i wasnt even dressed yet, and i only had like half an hour to the wedding, and daddy had to come rescue me and i had to runrunrun to finish getting ready in 4 minutes, and i wore the burgendy ones. and i looked pretty or something.
and then the next day at church, daddy wore a navy suit and he wore burgendy shoes. and i said see.
so the point is that if one clothes company is going to make something so specific as navy or fuschia or whatever, then maybe they should check to see that there is something to go with it. and also, there should be a book or something that has all the possibilities for coordination with each color. so that way, a girl would know once and for all if it is permissible to wear, for example, gold or silver or pearls with said navy, and what shoes really do match. and all of that without having to consult mother and mothers friends and roommates and sister and sisters roommates and random women in the store, and the store clerks everytime you want to wear something. it would really save a lot of time. {end proof.}
although, let me just say that im beginning to be impressed with my sewing skills. i have no sewing skills to speak of, actually, but this is the second dress that i have bought because i have loved it, but it didnt fit quite right somewhere. so i altered them.[!] and you cant even tell! be impressed, cause i sure am.
in other news, and im not even that great with grammar and spelling and such, [goodness, today i cant spell to save my life.] but here is one thing that i have recently noticed that really is obnoxious [not like i cant stand it, because i have a superhigh tolerence level, but still!]: when someone is talking or writing [actually, this seems to happen on IM a lot] and they leave out the verb, but include the subject, which is very often the understood you. so it goes from: "are you going to watch that movie on TV tonight?" to "you going to watch that movie on TV tonight?" and im not entirely sure why, but goodness, that really grates on my nerves. they should just type out the whole thing. come on, its three more letters. but i mean, if they are going to be lazy enough to leave out the are, then they should also be lazy enough to leave out the you, making the sentence read "going to watch that movie on TV tonight?" which is perfectly understandable and nice just as it is. also, it shows a certain amount of confidence in the reader, because you, then, are assuming that they can understand that yes, they are being referred to in that understood kind of sense. gah. and maybemaybe thats just personal preference, and its really perfectly correct. but i dont know.
but of course, i need to brush up on my sentences, because i keep ending my sentences with them on accident.
the world is funny. on my way home, i saw a buffalo herd in alamo, TN, and a giant truck full of pigs, and a hugehuge statue of an elephant, and then a couple hours later, theres one of a chicken. and then theres this "lady of the snows" shrine somewhere, and i havent seen it, but theres all of these signs for it all the time, and i really want to go see it, cause what even is that? its weird and stuff. if i was going to be a lady of something, i wouldnt pick snow. and i pass practically right under the st.louis arch, and i know how it works, but its just crazy that it really does. and people are funny.
and then theres a its funny how we surprise each other; its funny how i surprise myself. i keep learning these new things about how i am, and operate, and such, and i keep being surprised, but i dont know why cause its just the same as i used to be too.
and apparently people are not like me. and i realized this, of course, and everyone is different, and i knew that, but i thought that some things, at least, were universal, but apparently not. that surprises me. and it surprises me which things are universal for real instead. but im not sure if this makes sense.
also, sometimes i drive myself crazy. but sometimes i like me too. most days its a mix.
i feel behind today. probably because i am. thursdays are happy days, because even if you are behind, soon you can catch up. and i get so mad at myself that when theres a lot to do, i flip out and just sit, or run around in circles. both of which are stupid and nonhelpful and irritating. thank heavens for my roommate, who told me one thing at a time. which is, of course, exactly what i need to remember.! i actually need to buy a timer, too. and also, that there are more important things than school, and dying and everything. goodness, how many things are important to me that i forget about on a daily basis.
so im going to make browines today. that will help, probably. and! apparently though, i look like i need hugs, cause ive gotten a lot lately, for no apparent reason. [sometimes boys are just sweet. sometimes obnoxious as heck, etc.etc. but sometimes they are so sweet.] and im not complaining; ill take them, the hugs, i mean.
heres a happy thought for a rainy day [courtesy of AIM]:
me: i dont think you'll melt ;)
him: i hope not
me: it would be tragical i think, and a really weirdo way to die
him: i believe so
me: could they bury you? or if you melted, would you leave a puddle behind, or would it be more along the disolving lines?
him: i doubt it. i'd probably leave a puddle, but if it was raining hard, i think it would all wash away
me: oh, that would be sadder
me: but then!
me: you would evaporate, and then you could go to china or soemthing
me: or someone would drink you chemically distilled and such, if they even do that over there.
[i told my mother something like that just the other day. she did not find it as amusing as i did.] but it sortof reminds me of the steadfast tin soldier, somehow. which is, of course, one of my most favoritest stories. mmm, stories. its snuggly weather, i think.
today smells of evergreens, and rain and the faint remnants of chinese takeout.
my sheets smell of baby lotion, the botanical kind which smells goodgood, cause i accidently left it open after i used it, and then it spilled.
i mostly refuse to say things like: "im so random." and similar phrases. for other people to claim it for you is one thing, but to say it yourself? that is nonhelpful, maybe not true and telling. show dont tell! [plus, its just irritating.] tell me something real about you--be more clever, and honest about yourself, please. and also, what if you arent? i had a roommate one time who said this constantly. but in all actuality, she was the most predictable person ever. i knew what was going to come out of her mouth next at any given moment almost, and im not even very observant. thats probably where my irritation came from. this happens with other phrases too: "you'll just have to come read to see how awesome i am." and the like. please.
but it might be like my shoes: i know im not cool enough for real converses or whatever, so i make a point not to wear them. but i have some very fake ones from target, because sometimes you jsut want to be emo-ish or whateverwhatever, you know. but if no one else knows its fake, does it count, or do they just think im pathetic cause they too know im not that cool?
sometimes i feel funny because sometimes i do things that i want to be or wish that i did, instead of things that i actually am right here and now. i dont know if im just hoping that it will help me be more of what i hope that to become, or what. is that cheating, or lying or something? i dont know if this even makes sense, but im just saying.
we are supposed to be girls, not human interest pieces. [--molly, age 9. ]
i am learning how to be a girl--a real girl.
nevermind the extra 4 pounds, nevermind whether my shoes match exactly, nevermind the rest of it too, because it is not blessed are you if you do these things. nope. i need to remember this muchly.
but also, that doesnt mean that i have to give up the other parts of me--all those apparently quirky things that make me me. the interesting and clever and pretty and obnoxious and mean and the 4 pounds and everything --because it all goes together! [if we could just figure out how.] and that is a clever thing. so i am working on learning how to work with myself, rather than against myself, maybe?
maybe one of the keys is balancing everything until it completes the whole. it is hard, but it might be lovely. in fact, i think it will be, but pretty much not until laterlaterlater.
so much more to say about this. maybe not now.
maybe its something like "beauty in the breakdown.":
it takes a certain amount of courage to be imperfect.
Posted 3/9/2006 3:53 PM -
[some notes:]
so suddenly this past weekend, i think i got cooler. not that im exceptionally cool or anything, [this weekend will probably prove that, geh.] cause i pretty much know better, and im totally alright with that. but i definitely got cooler this weekend. i nevereverever was able to roll up sleeping bags for my whole life. i mean, after slumber parties and such, when everyone else was rolling their sleeping bags and stuff, i just had to fold mine, and then let mumma or daddy roll it later. but all the other girls totally could roll theirs, and some of them could even do a good job. but this weekend, i was all over rolling the sleeping bags. i was awesome at it! and i totally even was able to put 3 of them back intto those stupid clingly plastic bag things that you can never get anything back into, you know those things i mean? i mean the ones where the zippers always break. yeah, i got those sleeping bags back into those things. it was amazing.
needless to say, i was queen of the sleepingbags this weekend, despite the fact that i did not sleep in one, and despite the fact that im not even sure i own one anymore. [does that seem like a problem to anyone else? i dont know, it just seems like one of those things that one ought to own, even though you dont use it that much. its one more of those things that you should just always have around, like the jar of mayo or grape jelly in the fridge. it really messes a person up when one goes to make a sandwhich and that stuff is gone. i mean, really, when is anyone ever really out of mayo? its insanely hard to be out of that stuff [like vaseline too.] and so, when you are, its weird.]
so also, i think i need to stop using transitional words. that would be good, apparently. no more "so alsos" and stuff. i just need to say it, dangit.
and also, if that wishy-washy stuff could stop too, that'd be great. yeah, there should be less of that.
isnt it crazy about what you can find out? i mean, theres stuff to know about nearly everything, i think and thats a whole lot of stuff. today, something was cancelled and i got an extra hour and so i was perfectly frivilous and i sat in the library with my roommate and for 20 minutes i skimmed a whole book about mary, queen of scots ["oh, the very name just thrills me to my fingertips!"] and i was just impressed again with all the things that i dont know in the world. and then, after that i was skimming book titles while i was looking for something to read, and there was this whole set of books about jacksonian democracy. think of that! who even cares about that? it rather gives me hope as a writer, because if someone could write 5 books about jeffersonian democracy and have them published and put into libraries, then surely i could bust something decent out.
also, if you write just one book, but it sucks a lot, does that make you a real author still?
its very crazy that there is 6000 or something [depending on what you think about such things] of experience that i dont quite know about.
there is an order to things:
first, pluck up & break down
next, destroy & overthrow
then, building & planting.
lots is going on, and thats good. im working on getting out of the "im soo busy" mindset, cause im pretty sure thats not productive. fortunately for me, my second toe is longer than my first toe, and while this fact made it somewhat difficult to dance en pointe, my athletic training friend told me that studies have shown that even though im running around like a chicken and stuff, i will still get everything done and make a difference in the world, or something or other. and thats because of my toes. so, um, yeah. thats good news, i guess.
and also, isnt it good news that we have ourselves? i mean, yesterday in class we were talking about everyone's need to not be bored. and this is very nifty because we are stuck with ourselves all the time, and that means that pretty much all the time we can learn things and laugh at ourselves and be annoyed and grow and change and have fun and do all kinds of things. its pretty handy, i think, because sometimes no one else is around. this is where its good to not mind talking to yourself, or singing without a radio and stuff. it makes it easier sometimes.
woman without her man would be miserable.
[this goes two ways. or maybe like four ways, if you go backwards too, i think. mmmm, punctuation]
arent cell phones the weirdest thing ever? i mean, who thought of carrying a phone around all the time so you can either 1) always be bothered because people always call you in the middle of everything or 2) be reminded all the time that no one calls you at all, ever, no matter what. its perplexing. i was just thinking of that. but anyway, isnt it funny how quickly we adapt to some things, and wonder how on earth people lived without stuff? well. they survived for a long time without a lot of stuff. --i lived for a long time without some stuff maybe i should give up technology [and stuff!] for a little while.
then it was fat tuesday [and i got real beads from new orleans, and thats almost the awesomest thing ever, but it would have been awesomer if i was there to get them in person] and ash wednesday. such a lovely time in the year--so rich and beautiful and symbolic. why dont we live like that?
dear glen-face, i will always love you for introducing me to weezer. spring is the time for such things. xo.
things are opportunities.
"everything to God in prayer." and also, remember my toes [wiggle,wiggle!].
on the way home i will get krispy kreme donuts. i will be happy.
"six weeks and the wide world is green again."
yes, zane, its exactly the turtles.
currently playing: the blue album [and stuck on that playlist is also buttercup, baby. ah, life is good.]
Posted 3/2/2006 11:13 PM
needless to say, i was queen of the sleepingbags this weekend, despite the fact that i did not sleep in one, and despite the fact that im not even sure i own one anymore. [does that seem like a problem to anyone else? i dont know, it just seems like one of those things that one ought to own, even though you dont use it that much. its one more of those things that you should just always have around, like the jar of mayo or grape jelly in the fridge. it really messes a person up when one goes to make a sandwhich and that stuff is gone. i mean, really, when is anyone ever really out of mayo? its insanely hard to be out of that stuff [like vaseline too.] and so, when you are, its weird.]
so also, i think i need to stop using transitional words. that would be good, apparently. no more "so alsos" and stuff. i just need to say it, dangit.
and also, if that wishy-washy stuff could stop too, that'd be great. yeah, there should be less of that.
isnt it crazy about what you can find out? i mean, theres stuff to know about nearly everything, i think and thats a whole lot of stuff. today, something was cancelled and i got an extra hour and so i was perfectly frivilous and i sat in the library with my roommate and for 20 minutes i skimmed a whole book about mary, queen of scots ["oh, the very name just thrills me to my fingertips!"] and i was just impressed again with all the things that i dont know in the world. and then, after that i was skimming book titles while i was looking for something to read, and there was this whole set of books about jacksonian democracy. think of that! who even cares about that? it rather gives me hope as a writer, because if someone could write 5 books about jeffersonian democracy and have them published and put into libraries, then surely i could bust something decent out.
also, if you write just one book, but it sucks a lot, does that make you a real author still?
its very crazy that there is 6000 or something [depending on what you think about such things] of experience that i dont quite know about.
there is an order to things:
first, pluck up & break down
next, destroy & overthrow
then, building & planting.
lots is going on, and thats good. im working on getting out of the "im soo busy" mindset, cause im pretty sure thats not productive. fortunately for me, my second toe is longer than my first toe, and while this fact made it somewhat difficult to dance en pointe, my athletic training friend told me that studies have shown that even though im running around like a chicken and stuff, i will still get everything done and make a difference in the world, or something or other. and thats because of my toes. so, um, yeah. thats good news, i guess.
and also, isnt it good news that we have ourselves? i mean, yesterday in class we were talking about everyone's need to not be bored. and this is very nifty because we are stuck with ourselves all the time, and that means that pretty much all the time we can learn things and laugh at ourselves and be annoyed and grow and change and have fun and do all kinds of things. its pretty handy, i think, because sometimes no one else is around. this is where its good to not mind talking to yourself, or singing without a radio and stuff. it makes it easier sometimes.
woman without her man would be miserable.
[this goes two ways. or maybe like four ways, if you go backwards too, i think. mmmm, punctuation]
arent cell phones the weirdest thing ever? i mean, who thought of carrying a phone around all the time so you can either 1) always be bothered because people always call you in the middle of everything or 2) be reminded all the time that no one calls you at all, ever, no matter what. its perplexing. i was just thinking of that. but anyway, isnt it funny how quickly we adapt to some things, and wonder how on earth people lived without stuff? well. they survived for a long time without a lot of stuff. --i lived for a long time without some stuff maybe i should give up technology [and stuff!] for a little while.
then it was fat tuesday [and i got real beads from new orleans, and thats almost the awesomest thing ever, but it would have been awesomer if i was there to get them in person] and ash wednesday. such a lovely time in the year--so rich and beautiful and symbolic. why dont we live like that?
dear glen-face, i will always love you for introducing me to weezer. spring is the time for such things. xo.
things are opportunities.
"everything to God in prayer." and also, remember my toes [wiggle,wiggle!].
on the way home i will get krispy kreme donuts. i will be happy.
"six weeks and the wide world is green again."
yes, zane, its exactly the turtles.
currently playing: the blue album [and stuck on that playlist is also buttercup, baby. ah, life is good.]
Posted 3/2/2006 11:13 PM
Freedom Summer
[important edit: i got my first reallyreal rejection letter in the mail today! and it said [in addition to the rejection part] "Thanks, Julie"!--handwritten even! and it was signed! wowiekazowie. !!!!! i am happy. okay. thats the end of that.]
[feel free to edit and such.]
Freedom Summer, 1964
[ for Coretta Scott King ]
Awaken in the morning and sing again, you that dwell in the dust;
sing of the train coming slowly and the opening of prisons.
A woman cries out from the pain of labor, then feeds the child at her breast.
Sing to each other of a banquet prepared, and vineyards of red wine,
the river Jordan, chariots and Jericho's walls, fields of white cotton.
While waiting for the noon bell, sing again, you that dwell in the dust.
She helps the master's wife dress for a ball in Atlanta; arrive in time
for them to dance all night, and waits until needed in the corner, forsaken.
She sits, and rests from her labor, and men take notice of her breasts.
Generations of the old songs echo through the cabin walls and forest pines.
Piles of threadbare suits need mending, sew the buttons
in the evenings, by the fire. In the night, sing again, you that dwell in the dust.
Somebody's son laid in the east field, dying,
now dead; others—while escaping—might be snared, caught and taken.
A mother labors in the fields, and fear settles deep into her breast.
Spring, with sweet flowers, and tall summer fields shall resign
themselves to autumn. Together, we will plant, and the ground will again be broken.
Wait for the coming train. Wait for the whistle to sing again, you that dwell in the dust.
Mothers and children have labored together; still, hope rises in their breasts.
Posted 2/21/2006 1:03 AM
[feel free to edit and such.]
Freedom Summer, 1964
[ for Coretta Scott King ]
Awaken in the morning and sing again, you that dwell in the dust;
sing of the train coming slowly and the opening of prisons.
A woman cries out from the pain of labor, then feeds the child at her breast.
Sing to each other of a banquet prepared, and vineyards of red wine,
the river Jordan, chariots and Jericho's walls, fields of white cotton.
While waiting for the noon bell, sing again, you that dwell in the dust.
She helps the master's wife dress for a ball in Atlanta; arrive in time
for them to dance all night, and waits until needed in the corner, forsaken.
She sits, and rests from her labor, and men take notice of her breasts.
Generations of the old songs echo through the cabin walls and forest pines.
Piles of threadbare suits need mending, sew the buttons
in the evenings, by the fire. In the night, sing again, you that dwell in the dust.
Somebody's son laid in the east field, dying,
now dead; others—while escaping—might be snared, caught and taken.
A mother labors in the fields, and fear settles deep into her breast.
Spring, with sweet flowers, and tall summer fields shall resign
themselves to autumn. Together, we will plant, and the ground will again be broken.
Wait for the coming train. Wait for the whistle to sing again, you that dwell in the dust.
Mothers and children have labored together; still, hope rises in their breasts.
Posted 2/21/2006 1:03 AM
my. oh. my.
my. oh. my.
im making myself do this. because it has to be done, because my brain is getting crowded. my choices were to give up and sleep, or give up and write, and somehow this seemed like the more immediate need. but i dont know how that happened, because sleep is always more immediate. but i can sleep when im dead or something and i wont be able to write then. not that ive been able to write lately anyway, but i dont know why.
i was soo hungry for chinese food on sunday, and i got some, and it was the best. it really was.
im not sure if this is embarrassing, but i am embarrassed by it regardless, so i dont know why im saying it, but here it is.
so, on two monday nights, the basement at my house flooded. a lot, but not all, but a lot, of my stuff was in the basement.
my stuff got flooded, probably.
i like stuff. and i am sad that it got flooded. and i cried, a little.
i am embarrassed for crying at all about it. it. is. just. stuff. [but my perfect, wonderful, lovely, sentimental stuff.] people have lost lots more stuff than that before. and things might not even be that ruined, we dont know yet quite. and i shouldnt waste my tears on things that dont matter. unfortunately, thats what happens when or if i cry. [im not a cry-er [crier?] you know.]
[but sometimes tears come, but we dont even know why. maybe thats good? or maybe they come for the wrong things. i hate crying. but maybe its more okay than i realize.]
i wrote a poem. and its almost the prettiest thing i ever wrote maybe, but its not. it needs lots and lots of help, but i dont even know what to do to it, and other people arent being helpful either, because things that they absolutely hate, other people love. so its a confusing business and i think im flipping out about it.[!] [and if you are even almost good at editing, i would love for you to tell me everything thats wrong with it, and everything. pleasepleaseplease?!?] also, im becoming less shy about using the exclamation mark and i wouldnt hardly ever use it just straight up, but now i feel okay about it.
and i love how a line i wrote [on here, even] like 7 months ago or something ended up in the poem. that sort of thing makes me happy.
and just in case people didnt know: i do, in fact, know how to write things for real too.
i think i sleep too much. and thats like the saddest thing ive ever written. and whats sadder is that i think i have to do something about it, because i just have too much to do. i mean, i was getting my resume looked at by career services, and one of the sweetest women in the world [maybe? its hard to say about those things, you cant just assign someone arbitrary values like that] looked at me and told me that i had a full plate. and i said yes ma'am. and there is more i want to do. so something has got to go. and also, i think ill stop tutoring, maybe, at least for school. but i need to stop being so indulgent with myself. and thats hard, because i like it. but im pretty sure that personal sacrifice and discipline is the way to get somewhere and stuff.
ive been thinking about Gods purposes lately. hm. what are they, exactly? not like his purpose in existing or something, but rather his purposes for us. and how are we supposed to hold fast to them? and i know the catachism answer, so tell me something new. if there is anything new. there might not be, i understand.
actually, i guess i want to know how.
i want to know how about a lot of things.
and i want to know why about a lot of things too.
i like dark chocolate!
i almost need a new notebook. like in 4 pages. i like it when this happens. except for about 19 pages of the new notebook i dont like it. but i do think it was smart of me to combine all my paper journals into one: the sermon notebook, and prayer and diary and poetry and ideas and random notes to self. it makes me happy and it cuts down on a lot of numbers of journals. and its more like life, you know? things shouldnt be so compartmentalized, because they really arent.
other things that make me happy include, but are not limited to:
snow, board games [which i think they should rename them bored games,
because sometimes you play them when you are bored and they are not always
on a board. either way, its like a little funny pun.], and scrabble, spoiling myself
[which just should happen sometimes, and thast just all there is to it. but maybe i
do it too much? most likely. but more on this later. but like on friday, i bought a cd, a
magazine, and some dark chocolate hershey kisses.[!] and that made me soso
happy.] and hotchocolate, and letter writing, and good stories, and friends, and
slumber parties, and good poem critiques and waffle house, and snuggling,
conversations and people [lots of them, but i was thinking tonight about have i
ever met or watched a person named george that i didnt like? i dont think so.
georges must be happy people. but oh, just people in general are fascinating!]
and songs/poems with julie in it are happyhappyhappy too. and sleeping late. and also, some other things, but i cant think of them just now.
also, i like summer smells. february is a good time to miss summer smells, and i do. like lemon and mowed grass and stuff. i will try to remedy that soon, like tomorrow maybe. tonight it smelled like summer rain, anyway. thats what reminded me.
"theres no chance or fortune beyond the moon." my.
i forget that things do not always have to be a beautiful, perfect, much. some things can be. but some things one can just let go. or delegate. or just not do. or wait till later. and it will be okay.
and also, Jesus did not say that martha was wrong for doing things because things must be done after all, but just that mary choose what was better, and what was lasting, and what is all we need. and that is a point, i think.
how hard it is to be uncontent and content at the same time, and i think that that is what is asked of us, maybe? to keep growing and working and perservering and trying eversohard but at the same time, just sit and enjoy and love and see beautiful things and breathe.
old things are good to remember sometimes.
"do the next thing. it does not matter
how it hurts as long as it
gives God the chance to
manifest himself in your mortal flesh."
oh, yeah.
we pick funny things for burdens.
i need to invest me into things more, but thats scary. and i feel like i do it so much already, but its still not exactly enough. thats weird. and honest is scary. trying again is scary. what to do next is scary. heck, even getting your hair cut is scary.
[random comment by whatsherface after a song from chapel on wednesday]
"sometimes, things become a different sort of beautiful than you expect, and sometimes that hurts. and theres an intimacy that comes in the sanctifying and in knowing that your Father is [still!] good.
theres a sweet resolution that comes in letting go."
things are not like i expected.
i love talking to people who make me think. and i am osovery thankful for when they remind me of things i need to hear, even if its on accident. and [real] friends are so...necessary. and good. good for the soul. just like hotfudge i approve of having them. all of them. hooray.
i also love learning how things work. i will be forever and ever grateful to him for showing me about howstuffworks.com. its my newest favoritest thing ever. because i have learned about things that i have always always wanted to know, and there are pictures and its soo cool. and theres a lot more i still have to learn from there. [i learned today that someone invented the dustpan. thats so weird. that should be one of those things that was just always around. and also, if someone else hadnt invented, say, the refridgerator or something, dont you think someone else would have eventually? or some ideas just strictly people specific?] and thats exciting too. oh, and i have decided that asking questions is a really good idea. i have asked some experts some things lately, and they have answers for you. so thats mostly my new thing: i have talked to phone professionals, and biology professors [if you want a good story, ill tell you this one] and this week, i will talk to ballet professionals. and they know things, and tell you all about it, and its soo cool. its my newest other favorite thing ever.
and heres a poem [by emily dickinson] and notes [by my professor in his journalbook. he just shared]:
There are two Ripenings--one--of sight--
Whose forces Spheric wind
Until the Velvet product
Drop spicy to the ground--
A homelier maturing--
A Process in the Bur--
That teeth of Frosts alone disclose
In far October Air.
NOTE: "bur"--a rough prickly core around the seed of
some plants. an earlier version was ordered into two quatrains;
"round" was rhymed with "ground"--Dickinson's revisions
moved toward slant rhmye rather than away from it.
The less showy ripening occurs inside the husk, inside ourselves
and will not be revealed until some distant time.
The exterior ripening is showier, more vulnerable,
occurs earlier, and is ended by a fall to the earth. The
second ripening is longer, occurs at home, is associated
with actual flavor (the fuit is bitten by the "teeth" of winter),
goes undisclosed until death. My.
My. indeed.
Posted 2/17/2006 3:02 AM
im making myself do this. because it has to be done, because my brain is getting crowded. my choices were to give up and sleep, or give up and write, and somehow this seemed like the more immediate need. but i dont know how that happened, because sleep is always more immediate. but i can sleep when im dead or something and i wont be able to write then. not that ive been able to write lately anyway, but i dont know why.
i was soo hungry for chinese food on sunday, and i got some, and it was the best. it really was.
im not sure if this is embarrassing, but i am embarrassed by it regardless, so i dont know why im saying it, but here it is.
so, on two monday nights, the basement at my house flooded. a lot, but not all, but a lot, of my stuff was in the basement.
my stuff got flooded, probably.
i like stuff. and i am sad that it got flooded. and i cried, a little.
i am embarrassed for crying at all about it. it. is. just. stuff. [but my perfect, wonderful, lovely, sentimental stuff.] people have lost lots more stuff than that before. and things might not even be that ruined, we dont know yet quite. and i shouldnt waste my tears on things that dont matter. unfortunately, thats what happens when or if i cry. [im not a cry-er [crier?] you know.]
[but sometimes tears come, but we dont even know why. maybe thats good? or maybe they come for the wrong things. i hate crying. but maybe its more okay than i realize.]
i wrote a poem. and its almost the prettiest thing i ever wrote maybe, but its not. it needs lots and lots of help, but i dont even know what to do to it, and other people arent being helpful either, because things that they absolutely hate, other people love. so its a confusing business and i think im flipping out about it.[!] [and if you are even almost good at editing, i would love for you to tell me everything thats wrong with it, and everything. pleasepleaseplease?!?] also, im becoming less shy about using the exclamation mark and i wouldnt hardly ever use it just straight up, but now i feel okay about it.
and i love how a line i wrote [on here, even] like 7 months ago or something ended up in the poem. that sort of thing makes me happy.
and just in case people didnt know: i do, in fact, know how to write things for real too.
i think i sleep too much. and thats like the saddest thing ive ever written. and whats sadder is that i think i have to do something about it, because i just have too much to do. i mean, i was getting my resume looked at by career services, and one of the sweetest women in the world [maybe? its hard to say about those things, you cant just assign someone arbitrary values like that] looked at me and told me that i had a full plate. and i said yes ma'am. and there is more i want to do. so something has got to go. and also, i think ill stop tutoring, maybe, at least for school. but i need to stop being so indulgent with myself. and thats hard, because i like it. but im pretty sure that personal sacrifice and discipline is the way to get somewhere and stuff.
ive been thinking about Gods purposes lately. hm. what are they, exactly? not like his purpose in existing or something, but rather his purposes for us. and how are we supposed to hold fast to them? and i know the catachism answer, so tell me something new. if there is anything new. there might not be, i understand.
actually, i guess i want to know how.
i want to know how about a lot of things.
and i want to know why about a lot of things too.
i like dark chocolate!
i almost need a new notebook. like in 4 pages. i like it when this happens. except for about 19 pages of the new notebook i dont like it. but i do think it was smart of me to combine all my paper journals into one: the sermon notebook, and prayer and diary and poetry and ideas and random notes to self. it makes me happy and it cuts down on a lot of numbers of journals. and its more like life, you know? things shouldnt be so compartmentalized, because they really arent.
other things that make me happy include, but are not limited to:
snow, board games [which i think they should rename them bored games,
because sometimes you play them when you are bored and they are not always
on a board. either way, its like a little funny pun.], and scrabble, spoiling myself
[which just should happen sometimes, and thast just all there is to it. but maybe i
do it too much? most likely. but more on this later. but like on friday, i bought a cd, a
magazine, and some dark chocolate hershey kisses.[!] and that made me soso
happy.] and hotchocolate, and letter writing, and good stories, and friends, and
slumber parties, and good poem critiques and waffle house, and snuggling,
conversations and people [lots of them, but i was thinking tonight about have i
ever met or watched a person named george that i didnt like? i dont think so.
georges must be happy people. but oh, just people in general are fascinating!]
and songs/poems with julie in it are happyhappyhappy too. and sleeping late. and also, some other things, but i cant think of them just now.
also, i like summer smells. february is a good time to miss summer smells, and i do. like lemon and mowed grass and stuff. i will try to remedy that soon, like tomorrow maybe. tonight it smelled like summer rain, anyway. thats what reminded me.
"theres no chance or fortune beyond the moon." my.
i forget that things do not always have to be a beautiful, perfect, much. some things can be. but some things one can just let go. or delegate. or just not do. or wait till later. and it will be okay.
and also, Jesus did not say that martha was wrong for doing things because things must be done after all, but just that mary choose what was better, and what was lasting, and what is all we need. and that is a point, i think.
how hard it is to be uncontent and content at the same time, and i think that that is what is asked of us, maybe? to keep growing and working and perservering and trying eversohard but at the same time, just sit and enjoy and love and see beautiful things and breathe.
old things are good to remember sometimes.
"do the next thing. it does not matter
how it hurts as long as it
gives God the chance to
manifest himself in your mortal flesh."
oh, yeah.
we pick funny things for burdens.
i need to invest me into things more, but thats scary. and i feel like i do it so much already, but its still not exactly enough. thats weird. and honest is scary. trying again is scary. what to do next is scary. heck, even getting your hair cut is scary.
[random comment by whatsherface after a song from chapel on wednesday]
"sometimes, things become a different sort of beautiful than you expect, and sometimes that hurts. and theres an intimacy that comes in the sanctifying and in knowing that your Father is [still!] good.
theres a sweet resolution that comes in letting go."
things are not like i expected.
i love talking to people who make me think. and i am osovery thankful for when they remind me of things i need to hear, even if its on accident. and [real] friends are so...necessary. and good. good for the soul. just like hotfudge i approve of having them. all of them. hooray.
i also love learning how things work. i will be forever and ever grateful to him for showing me about howstuffworks.com. its my newest favoritest thing ever. because i have learned about things that i have always always wanted to know, and there are pictures and its soo cool. and theres a lot more i still have to learn from there. [i learned today that someone invented the dustpan. thats so weird. that should be one of those things that was just always around. and also, if someone else hadnt invented, say, the refridgerator or something, dont you think someone else would have eventually? or some ideas just strictly people specific?] and thats exciting too. oh, and i have decided that asking questions is a really good idea. i have asked some experts some things lately, and they have answers for you. so thats mostly my new thing: i have talked to phone professionals, and biology professors [if you want a good story, ill tell you this one] and this week, i will talk to ballet professionals. and they know things, and tell you all about it, and its soo cool. its my newest other favorite thing ever.
and heres a poem [by emily dickinson] and notes [by my professor in his journalbook. he just shared]:
There are two Ripenings--one--of sight--
Whose forces Spheric wind
Until the Velvet product
Drop spicy to the ground--
A homelier maturing--
A Process in the Bur--
That teeth of Frosts alone disclose
In far October Air.
NOTE: "bur"--a rough prickly core around the seed of
some plants. an earlier version was ordered into two quatrains;
"round" was rhymed with "ground"--Dickinson's revisions
moved toward slant rhmye rather than away from it.
The less showy ripening occurs inside the husk, inside ourselves
and will not be revealed until some distant time.
The exterior ripening is showier, more vulnerable,
occurs earlier, and is ended by a fall to the earth. The
second ripening is longer, occurs at home, is associated
with actual flavor (the fuit is bitten by the "teeth" of winter),
goes undisclosed until death. My.
My. indeed.
Posted 2/17/2006 3:02 AM
occurences unto me
so i had a brilliant revelation just now: its o.k.a.y. to write something that is not what i wanted. because i have all these things in my head that are important, or at least they are to me and for this moment. and i need to write them because things will be more settled after i do [maybe [?]. because because. and also because i might have exploded or something if i didnt, maybe. and thats never fun. well, or maybe not. and i could explain that all if i had to, but i think im skipping it. [thank heavens i was thinking of anne lamont and her wonderfully freeing concept of how first drafts should be.[if you want to know, ill tell you.] otherwise, im sure i'd still be stuck, because writing is eversohard! and mostly i want things like this to be perfect and this is not how i want these to be, but here they are. [ah hah! a list! and then ah hah! it can be a crap list.] probably soon, they will be around again, somehow more like what i intended. i need directions to perfection. [oh. no, no, no, no.]
so, here:
occurences unto me:
1. it is such a lovely moment when the thing-you-thought-you-wanted becomes only the
thing-you-thought-you-wanted. [and not what you really wanted or even needed.]
it is really and truly lovely. and the great thing is that you can talk yourself in and out of that stuff like in 2 seconds, so you can have that moment more than once.
and then this comes next:
steps to contentment
1. allow thyself to complain of nothing, not even the weather.
2. never picture thyself under any circumstance in which thou art not.
3. never compare thy own lot with that of another.
4. never allow thyself to dwell on the wish that this or that had been, or were
otherwise than it was / is. God almighty loves thee better and more wisely than
thou dost thyself.
5. never dwell on the morrow. remember--it is Gods, not thine. the heaviest part of
sorrow is often the look forward to it. "the Lord will provide."
oooh. such a happy sort of promise in #5.
this is coming, i feel rather sure. i am not uncontent, certainly. but i am not quite sure i am entirely content yet, either. but i am happy, and busy [and this will be a busy semester] and all of that. and things are just how they should be.
2. i love the smell of clean laundry. and if i can fold sheets like my grandmother and mother one day, that will be a life-goal accomplished, let me tell you. and i was good, and made my bed sooo well today, even though i hate to put sheets on my bed. but i do like new sheets muchly too.
and i love whistling. i wish i could do it better [ i can only do it a little] but it makes me eversohappy when there is whistling involved with things like working, or walmart, or flirting, or driving, or music, or icecream, or anything.
and i love banananutbread. and i really want to make some, but i probably dont get to, but i want to. that is one of those things that i havent ruined yet, ever, knockonwood. and its sooo good. and amazing. and im not even bragging, it really is so good. and its one of my established accomplishments. along with maybe tiptoeing? im good at that. and even when im wearing heels, too, cause i dont let them clomp. ladies should neverever clomp, you know.
3. i have been listening to this cd, as listed, for several days now, and i believe that i like it because 1) its so great 2) i was in the dentist office and i was reading this review of them and it was telling all about how they dress up for concerts. how great is that? suits on men are good. [heres a hint: its hard to find a girl who doesnt like a man in a good suit, or in uniform. but heavens, dont go join the army or something just for that. its not actually important. just wear a suit once in a while or so instead.] also, its too bad its not still normal to do that, cause then girls could dress up everyday and everything would be sexier. and we would all have really good legs. not that im a leg girl, im just saying. anyway, and also, i like it because 3) it fits at the moment. mostly i am changing how i feel about things like every 5 minutes. i want to talk, then i dont. im settled, then flustered. i feel independent, then very dependent; grown-up, then not at all. i feel pretty, then fat. happy then unhappy. content, then worried. unhappy, then understanding. clever, then stupid. i mean, i cant make up my mind; its like a freaking pingpong game. i suck at pingpong, at least usually. and this album cant make up its mind either, and it flips out about a lot of the same ideas. and its great.
[what i need to remember is that beautiful and clever, settled and independent can all exist at the very same time as dependent and silly, and needs to study and eat healthy foods take a shower before class and stuff. things can co-exist. [!]]
4. ["sometimes i pray for a slap in the face, and then beg to be spared cause im a coward."]
5. i think that ive been talking my head off lately, and not even about anything of great importance. [and im doing it now too.] and i feel so bad about it, and i really do have other things to say, they just arent coming out yet. and i feel all self-conscious and obnoxious, and i feel like apologizing to nearly everone i talk to, just in case i talk to much. and if im not actually apologizing, im apologizing in my head, just like im doing right here, cause im pretty sure im talking my head off now too.] and its so weird, cause im not usually self-conscious about stuff like this. usually im like "oh, well. it wont hurt you to listen to me talk. and then ill listen to you. and its all good." and i feel all bad, cause i want to talk to people lately. so if we have a conversation i promise to keep my mouth mostly shut, and listen, too. cross my heart. and you are all completly allowed to tell me to shut up too, and i wont even mind one smidgin. and im all worried about other stupid stuff like "oh, no. i might weigh 4 more pounds then i want to." and "what should i wear tomorrow?" and "blahblah whateverwhatever." and that has got to stop. because it is stupid. and i get so mad at myself for it, because how can i even think about getting mad because i may or may not weigh 4 stupid pounds more than what i have randomly decided a good weight for me would be. or because this, that and the other. i mean really. mrs. march on little women tells amy that she is "more intent on shaping her dear little nose than enfashioning her character." and im afraid thats sadly sadly true too often for me. although its not strictly my nose that gives me trouble. i dont mind my nose. well, i mean, sometimes, i think its funny looking, but not usually. noses are funny things in general.
6. i really am having trouble making my head make what i know about economics and the Gospel, and our attitude towards everyone work together. i mean, the church should take care of poor people, etc.etc.etc.. yes. and at the same time, the church can not dilute the Gospel to the people they serve just because they are serving. but also, welfare is not the best way to go; that means they dont have to get a job, and that messes up taxes and all kinds of things. thats only an example, but i cant make the larger ideas work together really well either. if someone can, will you explain it to me? or are there books to be read about the subject? i will read them if i can find them. cause i really want to know, so much.
7. when i was driving home, i thought i got drugged, then someone almost ran into me and that was very scary, and then i was driving in the middle of these police enthusiast guys who i thought were police at first cause they had police stickers on their cars, but they were speeding a lot, and then i got some donuts, and then i had a stalker for like an hour and then i got home. and i didnt even die. and then my parents had their anniversary, and i got cheesecake out of the deal. with strawberries. mmmmm.
also, when i was home i was playing hide and seek with some people like my sisters and some our friends [who are under age 11, you know] and we were having this really big debate and i dont know which it is, and i dont know if there are rules for such things, but i am really curious: what are the exact rules for hide-and-seek? does anyone know? i mean, is the person found first the next one to be it, because they obviously suck at hiding. and if thats the case, do you find one person, and just let everyone else remain hidden, since they found good spots? or: is the last one found the next it? and what is the base, and when does it come into play? and then when do you say "come out, come out, wherever you are?" is that only if you are horrible at finding people and and havent found anyone after an hour? who is it then? and what is olyolyoxenfree? is that how you spell it?
i think we always played last one found is it when we were littler, with a base, and the yelling, but we had a huge debate about it, and the merits of all the ways, and so im all confused now.
[p.s. i really want to know this, too, please.]
8. i think its so funny when people think that they invented things. like those people who claim that they themselves created phrases like "true story" and "cool beans" and "LOL" and "you lose." and then they get all offended when you say it and they're like "hey, i invented that." and its like, no. those are things that just are and im pretty sure no one invented them. its like the other day, mumma and i were looking for some lyrics to this song and we were reading the little bio of an artist that recorded it once, and it said that this guy [i dont even remember who it was] invented the concept of putting lyrics in the cd booklet thing. and i was like um, no. 1) if that was invented, it would have been invented before 1990, pretty sure. and 2) i dont think that was an invented thing. it just is a thing. that was around. all the time. except for muchly. i so think i invinted that one, because ive never heard any random people say it. maybe i just dont listen to random people talk enough, which im sure is true, and its also very sad, but there it is. and im not sure if i invinted it or not, probably not. but in case i did, i dont care if other people say it. i like that.
9. i think people need 7 hugs a day, or something?
i wouldnt mind getting that many. i been in a hugging mood lately, i believe.
10. here is a poem by anna akhmatova that was written in 1917. i think its maybe one of my favoriter poems on the list of favorite poems. i think its pretty much beautiful.
We Don't Know How to Say Goodbye
We don't know how to say goodbye--
we wander all over shoulder to shoulder.
It's already starting to get dark;
you're thoughtful, and I keep quiet.
Let's go into the church, watch
a funeral, a christening, a wedding;
let's leave, not looking at each other--
why don't we live like that?
Or, lets sit in the cemetery,
in the trampled snow; let's breathe lightly,
and let you trace with a stick palaces
where we will always be together.
isnt it funny how much of life is replacing things? replace is a word like almost thats not quite good, and not quite bad, it could mostly go either way. outgrowing things we love is never a pleasant process, but eventually, we probably do outgrow them, and then we do replace them with other things we love. and when something you hope for doesnt work out, then you probably just start hoping for something else, and so on. and when you break a bad habit, you replace it with, hopefully, a better one. and when you stop thinking of something, you think of something else, and when you leave friends behind, you make new ones. its weird. really weird.
what if we could keep all the old dreams and habits and things around? how crowded that would be. simplify, simplify, simplify. indeed, henrydavid. indeed.
and we must be careful not to replace the most important with things of far lesser importance, but how often that happens too. and so often we replace words plus deeds with just words. scary thought. i hope not. i want to do things too.
11. im still kindof confused about the dalai lama, too.
hope is an extremely wonderful word. it even sounds wonderful. like hotfudge. it just sounds yummy.
"surely, hope does not disappoint, because God's love has been poured out."
mmm.
i have a few books i need to read before things get busy.
im not quite sure i said anything yet. at least, im not sure i said what i meant most of all. i think its there, but not exactly coherently. "there needs to be a revolution; i would lead it but i just bought a hammock." and, im getting sleepy. tomorrow. yes. tomorrow different things will happen, and there will be chances for things. i need to make use of them, and thats all; i need to set all of my alarmclocks to make sure that i dont miss more than necessary. and i need to have some hotfudge. i havent had some in a while. hotfudgesundaes are just good for the soul, you know?
[just wait.]
ive got soul, but im not a soldier.
currently playing: hot fuss / the killers
Posted 2/2/2006 4:47 AM
so, here:
occurences unto me:
1. it is such a lovely moment when the thing-you-thought-you-wanted becomes only the
thing-you-thought-you-wanted. [and not what you really wanted or even needed.]
it is really and truly lovely. and the great thing is that you can talk yourself in and out of that stuff like in 2 seconds, so you can have that moment more than once.
and then this comes next:
steps to contentment
1. allow thyself to complain of nothing, not even the weather.
2. never picture thyself under any circumstance in which thou art not.
3. never compare thy own lot with that of another.
4. never allow thyself to dwell on the wish that this or that had been, or were
otherwise than it was / is. God almighty loves thee better and more wisely than
thou dost thyself.
5. never dwell on the morrow. remember--it is Gods, not thine. the heaviest part of
sorrow is often the look forward to it. "the Lord will provide."
oooh. such a happy sort of promise in #5.
this is coming, i feel rather sure. i am not uncontent, certainly. but i am not quite sure i am entirely content yet, either. but i am happy, and busy [and this will be a busy semester] and all of that. and things are just how they should be.
2. i love the smell of clean laundry. and if i can fold sheets like my grandmother and mother one day, that will be a life-goal accomplished, let me tell you. and i was good, and made my bed sooo well today, even though i hate to put sheets on my bed. but i do like new sheets muchly too.
and i love whistling. i wish i could do it better [ i can only do it a little] but it makes me eversohappy when there is whistling involved with things like working, or walmart, or flirting, or driving, or music, or icecream, or anything.
and i love banananutbread. and i really want to make some, but i probably dont get to, but i want to. that is one of those things that i havent ruined yet, ever, knockonwood. and its sooo good. and amazing. and im not even bragging, it really is so good. and its one of my established accomplishments. along with maybe tiptoeing? im good at that. and even when im wearing heels, too, cause i dont let them clomp. ladies should neverever clomp, you know.
3. i have been listening to this cd, as listed, for several days now, and i believe that i like it because 1) its so great 2) i was in the dentist office and i was reading this review of them and it was telling all about how they dress up for concerts. how great is that? suits on men are good. [heres a hint: its hard to find a girl who doesnt like a man in a good suit, or in uniform. but heavens, dont go join the army or something just for that. its not actually important. just wear a suit once in a while or so instead.] also, its too bad its not still normal to do that, cause then girls could dress up everyday and everything would be sexier. and we would all have really good legs. not that im a leg girl, im just saying. anyway, and also, i like it because 3) it fits at the moment. mostly i am changing how i feel about things like every 5 minutes. i want to talk, then i dont. im settled, then flustered. i feel independent, then very dependent; grown-up, then not at all. i feel pretty, then fat. happy then unhappy. content, then worried. unhappy, then understanding. clever, then stupid. i mean, i cant make up my mind; its like a freaking pingpong game. i suck at pingpong, at least usually. and this album cant make up its mind either, and it flips out about a lot of the same ideas. and its great.
[what i need to remember is that beautiful and clever, settled and independent can all exist at the very same time as dependent and silly, and needs to study and eat healthy foods take a shower before class and stuff. things can co-exist. [!]]
4. ["sometimes i pray for a slap in the face, and then beg to be spared cause im a coward."]
5. i think that ive been talking my head off lately, and not even about anything of great importance. [and im doing it now too.] and i feel so bad about it, and i really do have other things to say, they just arent coming out yet. and i feel all self-conscious and obnoxious, and i feel like apologizing to nearly everone i talk to, just in case i talk to much. and if im not actually apologizing, im apologizing in my head, just like im doing right here, cause im pretty sure im talking my head off now too.] and its so weird, cause im not usually self-conscious about stuff like this. usually im like "oh, well. it wont hurt you to listen to me talk. and then ill listen to you. and its all good." and i feel all bad, cause i want to talk to people lately. so if we have a conversation i promise to keep my mouth mostly shut, and listen, too. cross my heart. and you are all completly allowed to tell me to shut up too, and i wont even mind one smidgin. and im all worried about other stupid stuff like "oh, no. i might weigh 4 more pounds then i want to." and "what should i wear tomorrow?" and "blahblah whateverwhatever." and that has got to stop. because it is stupid. and i get so mad at myself for it, because how can i even think about getting mad because i may or may not weigh 4 stupid pounds more than what i have randomly decided a good weight for me would be. or because this, that and the other. i mean really. mrs. march on little women tells amy that she is "more intent on shaping her dear little nose than enfashioning her character." and im afraid thats sadly sadly true too often for me. although its not strictly my nose that gives me trouble. i dont mind my nose. well, i mean, sometimes, i think its funny looking, but not usually. noses are funny things in general.
6. i really am having trouble making my head make what i know about economics and the Gospel, and our attitude towards everyone work together. i mean, the church should take care of poor people, etc.etc.etc.. yes. and at the same time, the church can not dilute the Gospel to the people they serve just because they are serving. but also, welfare is not the best way to go; that means they dont have to get a job, and that messes up taxes and all kinds of things. thats only an example, but i cant make the larger ideas work together really well either. if someone can, will you explain it to me? or are there books to be read about the subject? i will read them if i can find them. cause i really want to know, so much.
7. when i was driving home, i thought i got drugged, then someone almost ran into me and that was very scary, and then i was driving in the middle of these police enthusiast guys who i thought were police at first cause they had police stickers on their cars, but they were speeding a lot, and then i got some donuts, and then i had a stalker for like an hour and then i got home. and i didnt even die. and then my parents had their anniversary, and i got cheesecake out of the deal. with strawberries. mmmmm.
also, when i was home i was playing hide and seek with some people like my sisters and some our friends [who are under age 11, you know] and we were having this really big debate and i dont know which it is, and i dont know if there are rules for such things, but i am really curious: what are the exact rules for hide-and-seek? does anyone know? i mean, is the person found first the next one to be it, because they obviously suck at hiding. and if thats the case, do you find one person, and just let everyone else remain hidden, since they found good spots? or: is the last one found the next it? and what is the base, and when does it come into play? and then when do you say "come out, come out, wherever you are?" is that only if you are horrible at finding people and and havent found anyone after an hour? who is it then? and what is olyolyoxenfree? is that how you spell it?
i think we always played last one found is it when we were littler, with a base, and the yelling, but we had a huge debate about it, and the merits of all the ways, and so im all confused now.
[p.s. i really want to know this, too, please.]
8. i think its so funny when people think that they invented things. like those people who claim that they themselves created phrases like "true story" and "cool beans" and "LOL" and "you lose." and then they get all offended when you say it and they're like "hey, i invented that." and its like, no. those are things that just are and im pretty sure no one invented them. its like the other day, mumma and i were looking for some lyrics to this song and we were reading the little bio of an artist that recorded it once, and it said that this guy [i dont even remember who it was] invented the concept of putting lyrics in the cd booklet thing. and i was like um, no. 1) if that was invented, it would have been invented before 1990, pretty sure. and 2) i dont think that was an invented thing. it just is a thing. that was around. all the time. except for muchly. i so think i invinted that one, because ive never heard any random people say it. maybe i just dont listen to random people talk enough, which im sure is true, and its also very sad, but there it is. and im not sure if i invinted it or not, probably not. but in case i did, i dont care if other people say it. i like that.
9. i think people need 7 hugs a day, or something?
i wouldnt mind getting that many. i been in a hugging mood lately, i believe.
10. here is a poem by anna akhmatova that was written in 1917. i think its maybe one of my favoriter poems on the list of favorite poems. i think its pretty much beautiful.
We Don't Know How to Say Goodbye
We don't know how to say goodbye--
we wander all over shoulder to shoulder.
It's already starting to get dark;
you're thoughtful, and I keep quiet.
Let's go into the church, watch
a funeral, a christening, a wedding;
let's leave, not looking at each other--
why don't we live like that?
Or, lets sit in the cemetery,
in the trampled snow; let's breathe lightly,
and let you trace with a stick palaces
where we will always be together.
isnt it funny how much of life is replacing things? replace is a word like almost thats not quite good, and not quite bad, it could mostly go either way. outgrowing things we love is never a pleasant process, but eventually, we probably do outgrow them, and then we do replace them with other things we love. and when something you hope for doesnt work out, then you probably just start hoping for something else, and so on. and when you break a bad habit, you replace it with, hopefully, a better one. and when you stop thinking of something, you think of something else, and when you leave friends behind, you make new ones. its weird. really weird.
what if we could keep all the old dreams and habits and things around? how crowded that would be. simplify, simplify, simplify. indeed, henrydavid. indeed.
and we must be careful not to replace the most important with things of far lesser importance, but how often that happens too. and so often we replace words plus deeds with just words. scary thought. i hope not. i want to do things too.
11. im still kindof confused about the dalai lama, too.
hope is an extremely wonderful word. it even sounds wonderful. like hotfudge. it just sounds yummy.
"surely, hope does not disappoint, because God's love has been poured out."
mmm.
i have a few books i need to read before things get busy.
im not quite sure i said anything yet. at least, im not sure i said what i meant most of all. i think its there, but not exactly coherently. "there needs to be a revolution; i would lead it but i just bought a hammock." and, im getting sleepy. tomorrow. yes. tomorrow different things will happen, and there will be chances for things. i need to make use of them, and thats all; i need to set all of my alarmclocks to make sure that i dont miss more than necessary. and i need to have some hotfudge. i havent had some in a while. hotfudgesundaes are just good for the soul, you know?
[just wait.]
ive got soul, but im not a soldier.
currently playing: hot fuss / the killers
Posted 2/2/2006 4:47 AM
inside the realm of possibility
one of my rules is that whenever i feel unconfident, or anxious or anything, i try to look good enough to make up for it, and that way maybe no one will notice how i feel. i have been flipping out lately, so im wearing overalls today. i feel pretty when i wear overalls, i think, for who knows why. because practically the definition of overalls is "non-pretty." [non-pretty, maybe but soo great, too. i looovve overalls, always have.] so getting ready today took a long time, [because how much time spent is not always, but sometimes, proportionate to how good you look. that certainly depends on the person, and sometimes it doesnt work that way. but usually, if i get ready in half an hour, i look like it. if i take the whole hour, its also evident. fortyfive minutes is average, if i planned out in the shower what im going to wear, cause im a clothes-changer, [and i wish i had the wardrobe possibilities of people on tv! but not all of them.] you know, so if i planned it out it cuts out on 2ish changes. and thank heavens for days where even if i only take half an hour to get ready, you cant tell. i wish they were more often.] even though i didnt really go anywhere where i needed to look like anything much. but i feel pretty today, and i usually do when i wear overalls. so explain that one.
and i do realize that feeling, or even being pretty is not the end-all-be-all goal of anything, and its not actually important in the grand scheme of things, but sometimes it doesnt hurt anything at all.
i did go to walmart though. january is waffle time, i think. practically every january since ive been in college, i have waffle cravings. explain that one too. but anyway, i had eaten all of my waffles, and we were out of milk. so i got waffles and milk, and drank half the gallon after 5pm today, cause i hadnt had it in a day or two, and i missed it. and then i made brownies, but i was remembering the recipie as i went along and i think i made some of it up, so i wasnt sure they were going to taste good, but i think they did, maybe? making things from scratch is tricky, i think. but i like it when i can do it. which is not often, cause i lost my cooking skills when i came to college, but maybe ill get them back again afterward. wouldnt it be wonderful to be one of those women like grandmothers and amelia bedelia who can throw in a little of this and a pinch of that and it come out all wonderful? it would be absolutely amazing to be able to do that. i think im going to add cooking like that to my list of things to accomplish in life.
and also, i love walmart. really muchly.
sometimes, things are hard. harder than i would like to admit to myself, or anyone else. and i feel silly, cause they shouldnt be hard. i have a home [two, actually] and family who loves me, and friends, and job, and food, and i have relatively a lot of freedom to do what i want and stuff. i know that God loves me, and what will happen to me when i die. i am not fat by american standards, but im positively huge compared to a lot of people in the world whose arms and legs look more like sticks than arms and legs. i feel like maybe i shouldnt be allowed to have hard things, because i am spoiled.
someone told me yesterday that maybe i couldnt be mother teresa and have 12 kids. and maybe i couldnt even be mother teresa and have 8 or 6 kids. and i said that was because mamaT took a vow of chastity and wasnt married. and also im hardly catholic and so i wouldnt qualify for that sort of career.
and i was thinking about how maybe its like my design projects. in my head, i can design these really wonderful things and they are soo beautiful, but i never have enough computer skill to actually make that happen. so its like this really dim version of what i had in my head. this is why i change paper topics at the last minute too, cause the first idea usually is more than i can do, cause im overly ambitious, and i dont like to turn in something that i wanted to be better. i mean, it happens but i dont like it. and i dont want things to be like that. sometimes, it works, and i have something genuis. and i like that. i dont want to dream bigger than reality permits, but im afraid sometimes i do. but i want my dreams and my reality to be that big. i want to have my cake and eat it too, see.
i want to do something amazing, and i want to have 6 kids and i want me to not feel like i have to give up something, even if the amazing thing is the 6 kids, which it might be, i guess. cause i am pretty sure that being a good wife and mother-of-6 would be a rather hefty accomplishment. and if thats it, im cool with that. terribly excited about it even. but i just dont want to miss out on something. theres so much that i want to see and do--people, and family and the whole world and everything. because there is more to this world than my present circumstances and perspectives. and that is something. [!]
but apparently, im not going to miss out on any divine appointments, and thats good news. and also, apparently, things will be alright. also good news.
therefore, do not worry. of course, of course. i dont know why im worrying about it now anyway, but there it is, so. and if i could pay attention for more than 5 seconds, i might remember some important things like that.
and also things like: some people told me the other day that muchly isnt a word. and i was sad. they also told me that i misspell halirious. and then they said i make up other words too. and that made me kind of sad. cause i dont remember doing that. but then they told me that it didnt matter, and i could still say them, so i was happier. cause i like those words, and apparently i didnt even know i made them up, cause i was surprised when they told it to me. and also, apparently, ew is not an interjection meaning "gross, etc.". its an abbreviation for "enlisted woman." just in case any of you were wondering. i learned that recently. and actually, i knew i mis-spelled halirious. its just that i cant get the right spelling in my head for anything and ive tried to do it before. so i gave up, and when im famous-er than i am now, my copyeditor can worry about it. besides i can spell renaissance, and according to my all-knowing worldhistory teacher from highschool, thats a word that will come in handy in all kinds of situations. however, i do not know how to spell apocraphya [did i do it? i didnt look.] correctly yet, and that is an important one. so im working on it.
i feel like so often i get unbalanced. if i am having real conversations with people, and learning things and whatnot, than i forget to laugh. and if im laughing with people, then i forget to to be honest and have real conversations and all of that. i want both. surely there can be both. i mean, both are part of meaningful. so, the point is to try to wiggle my toes, and dance and have slumber parties and eat brownies and tickle fights and play scrabble and making good friends and at the same time be diligent in my pursuit of my goals, and christianity and paying attention and writing and loving and remember that there are more important things than death and things bigger than my immediate reality, and work to be a part of those. thats a tricky thing. but "indeed, God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten son to live with us and teach us how to be the fully human creatures our Maker has always planned for us to be." so its not entirely outside the realm of possibility, i think.
possibilities are exciting things. and very scary, and very everywhere.
Posted 1/25/2006 5:26 AM
and i do realize that feeling, or even being pretty is not the end-all-be-all goal of anything, and its not actually important in the grand scheme of things, but sometimes it doesnt hurt anything at all.
i did go to walmart though. january is waffle time, i think. practically every january since ive been in college, i have waffle cravings. explain that one too. but anyway, i had eaten all of my waffles, and we were out of milk. so i got waffles and milk, and drank half the gallon after 5pm today, cause i hadnt had it in a day or two, and i missed it. and then i made brownies, but i was remembering the recipie as i went along and i think i made some of it up, so i wasnt sure they were going to taste good, but i think they did, maybe? making things from scratch is tricky, i think. but i like it when i can do it. which is not often, cause i lost my cooking skills when i came to college, but maybe ill get them back again afterward. wouldnt it be wonderful to be one of those women like grandmothers and amelia bedelia who can throw in a little of this and a pinch of that and it come out all wonderful? it would be absolutely amazing to be able to do that. i think im going to add cooking like that to my list of things to accomplish in life.
and also, i love walmart. really muchly.
sometimes, things are hard. harder than i would like to admit to myself, or anyone else. and i feel silly, cause they shouldnt be hard. i have a home [two, actually] and family who loves me, and friends, and job, and food, and i have relatively a lot of freedom to do what i want and stuff. i know that God loves me, and what will happen to me when i die. i am not fat by american standards, but im positively huge compared to a lot of people in the world whose arms and legs look more like sticks than arms and legs. i feel like maybe i shouldnt be allowed to have hard things, because i am spoiled.
someone told me yesterday that maybe i couldnt be mother teresa and have 12 kids. and maybe i couldnt even be mother teresa and have 8 or 6 kids. and i said that was because mamaT took a vow of chastity and wasnt married. and also im hardly catholic and so i wouldnt qualify for that sort of career.
and i was thinking about how maybe its like my design projects. in my head, i can design these really wonderful things and they are soo beautiful, but i never have enough computer skill to actually make that happen. so its like this really dim version of what i had in my head. this is why i change paper topics at the last minute too, cause the first idea usually is more than i can do, cause im overly ambitious, and i dont like to turn in something that i wanted to be better. i mean, it happens but i dont like it. and i dont want things to be like that. sometimes, it works, and i have something genuis. and i like that. i dont want to dream bigger than reality permits, but im afraid sometimes i do. but i want my dreams and my reality to be that big. i want to have my cake and eat it too, see.
i want to do something amazing, and i want to have 6 kids and i want me to not feel like i have to give up something, even if the amazing thing is the 6 kids, which it might be, i guess. cause i am pretty sure that being a good wife and mother-of-6 would be a rather hefty accomplishment. and if thats it, im cool with that. terribly excited about it even. but i just dont want to miss out on something. theres so much that i want to see and do--people, and family and the whole world and everything. because there is more to this world than my present circumstances and perspectives. and that is something. [!]
but apparently, im not going to miss out on any divine appointments, and thats good news. and also, apparently, things will be alright. also good news.
therefore, do not worry. of course, of course. i dont know why im worrying about it now anyway, but there it is, so. and if i could pay attention for more than 5 seconds, i might remember some important things like that.
and also things like: some people told me the other day that muchly isnt a word. and i was sad. they also told me that i misspell halirious. and then they said i make up other words too. and that made me kind of sad. cause i dont remember doing that. but then they told me that it didnt matter, and i could still say them, so i was happier. cause i like those words, and apparently i didnt even know i made them up, cause i was surprised when they told it to me. and also, apparently, ew is not an interjection meaning "gross, etc.". its an abbreviation for "enlisted woman." just in case any of you were wondering. i learned that recently. and actually, i knew i mis-spelled halirious. its just that i cant get the right spelling in my head for anything and ive tried to do it before. so i gave up, and when im famous-er than i am now, my copyeditor can worry about it. besides i can spell renaissance, and according to my all-knowing worldhistory teacher from highschool, thats a word that will come in handy in all kinds of situations. however, i do not know how to spell apocraphya [did i do it? i didnt look.] correctly yet, and that is an important one. so im working on it.
i feel like so often i get unbalanced. if i am having real conversations with people, and learning things and whatnot, than i forget to laugh. and if im laughing with people, then i forget to to be honest and have real conversations and all of that. i want both. surely there can be both. i mean, both are part of meaningful. so, the point is to try to wiggle my toes, and dance and have slumber parties and eat brownies and tickle fights and play scrabble and making good friends and at the same time be diligent in my pursuit of my goals, and christianity and paying attention and writing and loving and remember that there are more important things than death and things bigger than my immediate reality, and work to be a part of those. thats a tricky thing. but "indeed, God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten son to live with us and teach us how to be the fully human creatures our Maker has always planned for us to be." so its not entirely outside the realm of possibility, i think.
possibilities are exciting things. and very scary, and very everywhere.
Posted 1/25/2006 5:26 AM
(the wrong way)
{ :: when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy;
hide and seek. trains and sewing machines,
all those years they were here first.
oily marks appear on walls where pleasure
moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life.
hide and seek; trains and sewing machines :: }
[ mostly im sure this wont make a lot of sense. its fourthirtyinthemorning, but i had things to say today, so im talking my head off right now, because it couldnt wait until morning. or something like that. umhum. o dear. and o well. ]
i got lost today. that hasnt happened in a while. [silly mapquest. they should know that going back is not always the same way as going because of things called onewaystreets and no signs. they should allow for that stuff and give you backwards directions.] i mean, i have gotten the 20 minutes kind of lost plenty lately. but not the hour kind. i havent gotten lost in the hour kind of way in ages and ages. but today i did. today i decided to be brave and go to mephis all by myself, which was just what i needed actually, and go to the civil rights museum. it was really wonderful; i learned so much. there are only about 4 things in the world guarenteed to make me cry. this one scene in the patriot [and its not even a death scene, go figure], 2 other things i cant remember but that im sure must exist, and then martinlutherkingjunior's mountaintop speech, the one right before he dies, you know. i think ive heard him say it 3 times in my life, and ive cried every time. i read it once, too, but i only got teary that time. i dont know why that makes me cry; im not even a crier. but ooohhh.
but anyway, after i looked at everything, and stood as close as i could to the spots where mlk,jr was assinated and as close as i could to where he was assinated from [wouldnt being an assinator be the weirdest job in the whole world? i was thinking about that. i mean, who does that? and speaking of, i want to know how they always manage to tape great moments in history. like, how do we have pictures of everything, and video? pictures are even more understandable [sometimes i really wish i was a photographer] but who just carries around a videocamera? its confusing. do people just always assume that something significant is going to happen and just have it ready? i dont know.] and i was just thinking about all this stuff. and its so crazy to be where history happened. it makes me feel small, and like im a part of something bigger. im not even sure i can even reproduce anything i was thinking, but it was a thinking time. and things were, for a very small time, clear. they arent now, of course, not even a little bit, but thats expected.
one thing i do know is that i want to tell stories. i dont really know who's stories, maybe just my own, heaven forbid, but i was just standing there and looking at all the stuff that mlk,jr did and i want to do something in the world. he reminded me that i might-maybe-maybe want to be a writer. if i could even do that. gah. who knows what im going to do. not me.
and the other night, when i was in memphis again listening to the bluegrass thing and the best fiddler in the whole world was there, or something like that, and he was amazing and i was thinking of all the things he had worked through, and accomplished, and i wished that i was like that, in my own way, of course. i decided that i liked folk/bluegrass music because it is basic. its what comes is real, and what happens: family, home, true love, God, broken hearts, traveling, food. thats life. [although, come to think of it, most music is like that, i think. i like most of it too, im pretty sure.] and i wanted to know what inspired them. and all about the people that were there--why were all the emo kids at the bluegrass concert, for example? and thats like memphis too, i think, and thats why i like it. memphis is real and its all about smoke-y cafes and music and ducks and stories. and those are the things that are important.
and thats why i think i would rather be a non-fiction instead of a fiction [or poetry?] girl. maybe. oh, thats scary to say. i dont know. but im better at characters than plots anyway. always have been; true story [no pun intended].
this week, ive seen some things, i think, like the mummy in the corner of the p&h cafe on madison street in memphis. why is it there? and all i can think of is: what isnt beautiful, and what isnt heartbreaking, too.
and God is still enough, even though. even though this, that, and the other. hmm.
things are harder sometimes than they look on tv. unfortunately, life doesnt come with one of those "dont try this at home" things.
the moon has been reallyreally pretty in the past week, and i have told two different men that i wouldnt mind going to the moon, for just a little while, to see it. they both told me that they could see it from here, and there was too much to see on earth first. but the moon is sooo pretty i said. and it is. but so is here. actually, its much more beautiful-er. more heartbreaking, too. i want to see things, i forget sometimes. regardless of the required involvement.
oh, i remember. i got lost today, the really official kind of lost where i was going the wrong way, just straight up, [and how come you can never find a pizza place when you need one? its like i always drive through these cities and they dont have grocery stores or walmarts or pizza places and i dont know whats up with that. where do these people get their food, and stuff? and sometimes you just want pizza. and sometimes you just want directions from them [one of my best ideas ever maybe, im so proud. but its useless if you cant find them!] its really confusing.] and anyway, there was no even pretending that i was sortof going the right way because i just wasnt.
right, so. i think the moon would be going the wrong way at this point.
currently playing: hide and seek :: imogen heap
Posted 1/20/2006 4:47 AM
would stop to hold their heads heavy;
hide and seek. trains and sewing machines,
all those years they were here first.
oily marks appear on walls where pleasure
moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life.
hide and seek; trains and sewing machines :: }
[ mostly im sure this wont make a lot of sense. its fourthirtyinthemorning, but i had things to say today, so im talking my head off right now, because it couldnt wait until morning. or something like that. umhum. o dear. and o well. ]
i got lost today. that hasnt happened in a while. [silly mapquest. they should know that going back is not always the same way as going because of things called onewaystreets and no signs. they should allow for that stuff and give you backwards directions.] i mean, i have gotten the 20 minutes kind of lost plenty lately. but not the hour kind. i havent gotten lost in the hour kind of way in ages and ages. but today i did. today i decided to be brave and go to mephis all by myself, which was just what i needed actually, and go to the civil rights museum. it was really wonderful; i learned so much. there are only about 4 things in the world guarenteed to make me cry. this one scene in the patriot [and its not even a death scene, go figure], 2 other things i cant remember but that im sure must exist, and then martinlutherkingjunior's mountaintop speech, the one right before he dies, you know. i think ive heard him say it 3 times in my life, and ive cried every time. i read it once, too, but i only got teary that time. i dont know why that makes me cry; im not even a crier. but ooohhh.
but anyway, after i looked at everything, and stood as close as i could to the spots where mlk,jr was assinated and as close as i could to where he was assinated from [wouldnt being an assinator be the weirdest job in the whole world? i was thinking about that. i mean, who does that? and speaking of, i want to know how they always manage to tape great moments in history. like, how do we have pictures of everything, and video? pictures are even more understandable [sometimes i really wish i was a photographer] but who just carries around a videocamera? its confusing. do people just always assume that something significant is going to happen and just have it ready? i dont know.] and i was just thinking about all this stuff. and its so crazy to be where history happened. it makes me feel small, and like im a part of something bigger. im not even sure i can even reproduce anything i was thinking, but it was a thinking time. and things were, for a very small time, clear. they arent now, of course, not even a little bit, but thats expected.
one thing i do know is that i want to tell stories. i dont really know who's stories, maybe just my own, heaven forbid, but i was just standing there and looking at all the stuff that mlk,jr did and i want to do something in the world. he reminded me that i might-maybe-maybe want to be a writer. if i could even do that. gah. who knows what im going to do. not me.
and the other night, when i was in memphis again listening to the bluegrass thing and the best fiddler in the whole world was there, or something like that, and he was amazing and i was thinking of all the things he had worked through, and accomplished, and i wished that i was like that, in my own way, of course. i decided that i liked folk/bluegrass music because it is basic. its what comes is real, and what happens: family, home, true love, God, broken hearts, traveling, food. thats life. [although, come to think of it, most music is like that, i think. i like most of it too, im pretty sure.] and i wanted to know what inspired them. and all about the people that were there--why were all the emo kids at the bluegrass concert, for example? and thats like memphis too, i think, and thats why i like it. memphis is real and its all about smoke-y cafes and music and ducks and stories. and those are the things that are important.
and thats why i think i would rather be a non-fiction instead of a fiction [or poetry?] girl. maybe. oh, thats scary to say. i dont know. but im better at characters than plots anyway. always have been; true story [no pun intended].
this week, ive seen some things, i think, like the mummy in the corner of the p&h cafe on madison street in memphis. why is it there? and all i can think of is: what isnt beautiful, and what isnt heartbreaking, too.
and God is still enough, even though. even though this, that, and the other. hmm.
things are harder sometimes than they look on tv. unfortunately, life doesnt come with one of those "dont try this at home" things.
the moon has been reallyreally pretty in the past week, and i have told two different men that i wouldnt mind going to the moon, for just a little while, to see it. they both told me that they could see it from here, and there was too much to see on earth first. but the moon is sooo pretty i said. and it is. but so is here. actually, its much more beautiful-er. more heartbreaking, too. i want to see things, i forget sometimes. regardless of the required involvement.
oh, i remember. i got lost today, the really official kind of lost where i was going the wrong way, just straight up, [and how come you can never find a pizza place when you need one? its like i always drive through these cities and they dont have grocery stores or walmarts or pizza places and i dont know whats up with that. where do these people get their food, and stuff? and sometimes you just want pizza. and sometimes you just want directions from them [one of my best ideas ever maybe, im so proud. but its useless if you cant find them!] its really confusing.] and anyway, there was no even pretending that i was sortof going the right way because i just wasnt.
right, so. i think the moon would be going the wrong way at this point.
currently playing: hide and seek :: imogen heap
Posted 1/20/2006 4:47 AM
"breaking into light"
this was a thinking weekend. starting on thursday when i reorganized at least some of the stockroom at work. you can do a lot of thinking when youre moving dusty boxes around. well, i thought a lot of "how on earth does the stockroom look this bad to begin with?!?!?!" and "theres no where in this whole room to put 48 more boxes of 'rooster with frog, and view' figureines whatsoever" and that was obnoxious, but in between those times i thought of this:
a very long time ago there was a quiz floating around on the internet, and one of the questions was about which fictional characters you would marry. i, of course, do not do internet quizzes very often or maybe never but that question stuck in my head for whatever reason, and then the recent gilmore girls phase [seriously, im getting addicted, and it might be bad. im flipping out about it, mostly; i cant believe what happened last time, really. ok, yeah, pathetic. pathetic, but addicting.] in my life has brought one point into clear focus: luke danes is on that list. so i was thinking about other fictional characters that would make the list and here it is along with location, and in no order whatsoever:
1. luke danes / gilmore girls
2. mr. darcy / pride and prejudice
3. kermit the frog / the muppets
4. ethan hawley / the winter of our discontent
5. gilbert blythe / the anne books & movies
6. nick carraway / the great gatsby
7. corey matthews / boy meets world
8. david eggers / a heartbreaking work of staggering genius
and then, on friday, i was piddling, and i was wandering around everywhere, cause it seems like the thing to do on fridays mostly, at least sometimes, and i thought of what a good strategy it is to wait until you are soooooo hungry to eat things, and then eat just what you want. i did that mostly on accident, cause i was out and about and such, but i didnt eat till like 10pm, but i had decided at about 7 or so that i wanted spaghetti. and then about 730, i decided i might be still hungry if i had just spaghetti, so i should have some cookies for dessert, and i was getting hungry, so i just thought and thought about my spaghetti, and cookies, amonst other stuff, and when i finally got to eat it, it was absolutely the best spaghetti and cookies that i had had nearly all week. amazing. and that is a point, i think.
plus also, i thought of
i am me.
i have strawberryblonde hair, wear a size 6.5 [which they dont make, by the way] and i like hotfudgesundaes. i read books, and love to sleep and laugh and i like pencils and only inky pens and the smell of old books. i am fragile and special and beautiful and clever and things like this. i am also moody and crazy and obnoxious and stuff like that. this is how girls are, and how boys are too, and everybody. but me too. and its ok to be me--just me, and nothing else--because i am me. and everyone sometimes-always gets the crazy idea that its better to be a slightly better, more spruced-up version of the current "me" of whoever they are then and there, and so they do that instead, and thats silly. but i do it to, but i shouldnt. of course, the lucky thing about being me is:
i had a little tea party,
this afternoon at three;
'twas very small,
three guests in all,
just i, myself, and me.
myself ate up the sandwhiches,
while i drank up the tea,
'twas also i
who ate the pie
and passed the cake to me.
also, i love to be read to. i reallyreally do. anything and everything.
and i need to follow my instincts. i have good instincts, maybe-possibly.
and i wish i knew how to dance lots better [thats on the to-do list for life, umhum.]. i decided that maybe dancing is like learning a language, and you can probably only learn it by doing it. i bet a lot of things are that way, hrm.
and on saturday, i saw some ducks. i think i like ducks. my mother and father decorated my nursury in ducks, so maybe its leftover from that or something, but they are funny to watch and happy. and they quack. but i didnt hear them quack because they were sleeping. quack is a very funny sound. i wanted to feed them too, but i didnt. they were sleeping.
and now i want to read make way for ducklings. actually, i want it to be read to me. mmm.
once i knew a girl who had a duck for a pet. they went on walks and stuff and she gave him baths and i think that when i am the aunt-lady-down-the-street who makes cookies and is crazy and scribbling down everything that people ever say thats clever and possibly saying my own clever things and writing them down too, but making money for those, i will obtain a duck. and i will name him something exceptionally witty [i wondered the whole time what the ducks names were that i saw, but there wasnt a sign.] but i dont know what yet. i would probably even build him a pond in my yard. and he will be my duck; and my duck, my fish and my house and i will be happy living there very snugly. im excited about this.
also, i think i decided that memphis is a great town. i like it. [this week, i am decidedly going to see the civil rights museum. im not feeling brave, so im not going to go tomorrow, i dont think. but i am still going this week because its martinlutherkingjuniors birthday, and im reading a book about him, but not actually because its his birthday. i started in october, see, but im not done yet. and i might go to a bluegrass concert there too. yay.] well, actually, i decided that i love cities in general [again] and memphis was the closest one. i like cities: i like busy, i like crowded, i like things to do, i like people. [i made friends with a nine-year-old girl, and we found out that our favorite icecream is chocolate absolutely, but sometimes strawberry too, cause its pink.] [i really, eversomuch wanted to know all of the stories of the people all around.] i decided that when it was warmer i would come back to memphis and fall asleep with the rush and the smells and the sounds and the bridges [oh, i like bridges] all around me and it would be wonderful. but then i remembered that i might get murdered [or at least kidnapped. i am not kidnapped, or dead, actually, as of yet, but i might be if i did that], and i didnt think that either one of those was a fun idea, so i probably wont. but i want to.
i squinted my eyes at the lights a lot, and it was eversopretty.
it reminded me of this poem called naming the stars, which was the actual poem of the day a little while ago. and even though i looked at lights more than stars [i did look at the moon though] it reminded me, and i like it and its pretty:
This present tragedy will eventually
turn into myth, and in the mist
of that later telling the bell tolling
now will be a symbol, or, at least,
a sign of something long since lost.
This will be another one of those
loose changes, the rearrangement of
hearts, just parts of old lives
patched together, gathered into
a dim constellation, small consolation.
Look, we will say, you can almost see
the outline there: her fingertips
touching his, the faint fusion
of two bodies breaking into light.
if i was an artist, i would use charcoal. i like it. im surprised about that, because originally, i thought i would have been more of a painting sort of girl [i love bob ross after all]. and i like to look at paint still, but for using, i like charcoal. i like the in-the-middle-of look that charcoal can have. i also like sketches. this is a good work, also suggesting in the middleness. middle is good because its is more common than beginning or end. middle is the most familiar maybe, probably.
maybe i will use charcoal to write poetry.
life is poetry, mostly. or maybe a tragic, halirious novel, or most probably both all at once.
Posted 1/16/2006 12:39 AM
a very long time ago there was a quiz floating around on the internet, and one of the questions was about which fictional characters you would marry. i, of course, do not do internet quizzes very often or maybe never but that question stuck in my head for whatever reason, and then the recent gilmore girls phase [seriously, im getting addicted, and it might be bad. im flipping out about it, mostly; i cant believe what happened last time, really. ok, yeah, pathetic. pathetic, but addicting.] in my life has brought one point into clear focus: luke danes is on that list. so i was thinking about other fictional characters that would make the list and here it is along with location, and in no order whatsoever:
1. luke danes / gilmore girls
2. mr. darcy / pride and prejudice
3. kermit the frog / the muppets
4. ethan hawley / the winter of our discontent
5. gilbert blythe / the anne books & movies
6. nick carraway / the great gatsby
7. corey matthews / boy meets world
8. david eggers / a heartbreaking work of staggering genius
and then, on friday, i was piddling, and i was wandering around everywhere, cause it seems like the thing to do on fridays mostly, at least sometimes, and i thought of what a good strategy it is to wait until you are soooooo hungry to eat things, and then eat just what you want. i did that mostly on accident, cause i was out and about and such, but i didnt eat till like 10pm, but i had decided at about 7 or so that i wanted spaghetti. and then about 730, i decided i might be still hungry if i had just spaghetti, so i should have some cookies for dessert, and i was getting hungry, so i just thought and thought about my spaghetti, and cookies, amonst other stuff, and when i finally got to eat it, it was absolutely the best spaghetti and cookies that i had had nearly all week. amazing. and that is a point, i think.
plus also, i thought of
i am me.
i have strawberryblonde hair, wear a size 6.5 [which they dont make, by the way] and i like hotfudgesundaes. i read books, and love to sleep and laugh and i like pencils and only inky pens and the smell of old books. i am fragile and special and beautiful and clever and things like this. i am also moody and crazy and obnoxious and stuff like that. this is how girls are, and how boys are too, and everybody. but me too. and its ok to be me--just me, and nothing else--because i am me. and everyone sometimes-always gets the crazy idea that its better to be a slightly better, more spruced-up version of the current "me" of whoever they are then and there, and so they do that instead, and thats silly. but i do it to, but i shouldnt. of course, the lucky thing about being me is:
i had a little tea party,
this afternoon at three;
'twas very small,
three guests in all,
just i, myself, and me.
myself ate up the sandwhiches,
while i drank up the tea,
'twas also i
who ate the pie
and passed the cake to me.
also, i love to be read to. i reallyreally do. anything and everything.
and i need to follow my instincts. i have good instincts, maybe-possibly.
and i wish i knew how to dance lots better [thats on the to-do list for life, umhum.]. i decided that maybe dancing is like learning a language, and you can probably only learn it by doing it. i bet a lot of things are that way, hrm.
and on saturday, i saw some ducks. i think i like ducks. my mother and father decorated my nursury in ducks, so maybe its leftover from that or something, but they are funny to watch and happy. and they quack. but i didnt hear them quack because they were sleeping. quack is a very funny sound. i wanted to feed them too, but i didnt. they were sleeping.
and now i want to read make way for ducklings. actually, i want it to be read to me. mmm.
once i knew a girl who had a duck for a pet. they went on walks and stuff and she gave him baths and i think that when i am the aunt-lady-down-the-street who makes cookies and is crazy and scribbling down everything that people ever say thats clever and possibly saying my own clever things and writing them down too, but making money for those, i will obtain a duck. and i will name him something exceptionally witty [i wondered the whole time what the ducks names were that i saw, but there wasnt a sign.] but i dont know what yet. i would probably even build him a pond in my yard. and he will be my duck; and my duck, my fish and my house and i will be happy living there very snugly. im excited about this.
also, i think i decided that memphis is a great town. i like it. [this week, i am decidedly going to see the civil rights museum. im not feeling brave, so im not going to go tomorrow, i dont think. but i am still going this week because its martinlutherkingjuniors birthday, and im reading a book about him, but not actually because its his birthday. i started in october, see, but im not done yet. and i might go to a bluegrass concert there too. yay.] well, actually, i decided that i love cities in general [again] and memphis was the closest one. i like cities: i like busy, i like crowded, i like things to do, i like people. [i made friends with a nine-year-old girl, and we found out that our favorite icecream is chocolate absolutely, but sometimes strawberry too, cause its pink.] [i really, eversomuch wanted to know all of the stories of the people all around.] i decided that when it was warmer i would come back to memphis and fall asleep with the rush and the smells and the sounds and the bridges [oh, i like bridges] all around me and it would be wonderful. but then i remembered that i might get murdered [or at least kidnapped. i am not kidnapped, or dead, actually, as of yet, but i might be if i did that], and i didnt think that either one of those was a fun idea, so i probably wont. but i want to.
i squinted my eyes at the lights a lot, and it was eversopretty.
it reminded me of this poem called naming the stars, which was the actual poem of the day a little while ago. and even though i looked at lights more than stars [i did look at the moon though] it reminded me, and i like it and its pretty:
This present tragedy will eventually
turn into myth, and in the mist
of that later telling the bell tolling
now will be a symbol, or, at least,
a sign of something long since lost.
This will be another one of those
loose changes, the rearrangement of
hearts, just parts of old lives
patched together, gathered into
a dim constellation, small consolation.
Look, we will say, you can almost see
the outline there: her fingertips
touching his, the faint fusion
of two bodies breaking into light.
if i was an artist, i would use charcoal. i like it. im surprised about that, because originally, i thought i would have been more of a painting sort of girl [i love bob ross after all]. and i like to look at paint still, but for using, i like charcoal. i like the in-the-middle-of look that charcoal can have. i also like sketches. this is a good work, also suggesting in the middleness. middle is good because its is more common than beginning or end. middle is the most familiar maybe, probably.
maybe i will use charcoal to write poetry.
life is poetry, mostly. or maybe a tragic, halirious novel, or most probably both all at once.
Posted 1/16/2006 12:39 AM
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