sugar and toast, justice and grace

i confess because i am embarrassed and sad: i did not do the global commute last night.
i went to see JB instead [which was reallyreally lovely, and i learned things and was inspired]. but in my head, i was walking for them. i was. and that doesnt do a lot, i realize. but i am still learning how to care, so be patient with me next time, i will walk. and in the meantime, i will make myself look, to remember.

you know, its funny coming from a southern baptist background, and then leaving it when i was a sophomore in highschool. i learned some things, and there is a world outside of the convention. but then for college, i came back to it. bleh. and i remembered that i am glad i left it. and then i had ethics, and the principles of that class mostly changed how i think about things, and i am glad. except for i cant reconcile them. i cant make taking care of "the least of these" reconcile with my good republican, baptist belief that welfare is hardly ever the solution and that those people have to get jobs and such, because that is the way to help them. i cant make things make sense like that. the one person i asked at home lectured me about the social gospel something or other, which is not what i meant at all. i just want to know if there is, in fact, a way to love the least of these in the way that we ought and have a strong economy and maintain the strength of the Gospel.

hmmm, in other news: im still very busy. on friday i got an email that said "hey, how about that thesis?" and i said uh-oh. just like my parents told me i would. but i thought it would be okay since i wrote like 20 pages of it already [during break!] but, alas, it will not be okay. because i am a perfectionist and i do not have time. poems it is, then. --dont get me wrong, not poems because they are easier, because they are not. poems are always harder than prose. and they may be harder, but at least they are shorter. and at this point, i would rather race the 5 year old up the street running full speed than jog/walk a marathon.

i am irritated that some decisions just come down to getting married or not. i was talking to my mother the other day about grad school, and we came to the conclusion that if i married someone [rich] then i could go get my masters in creative writing, because that is the most impractical thing probably ever. and if i didnt get married [to someone rich] then i probably should get a masters in library science so i could get a job. and while we were not exactly serious about the rich part, it would make the decision easier, i think.
[my mother is funny. and i was glad for my parents this week.]
[dont get me wrong: i want to get married and i want 8 kids and everything] but im in no hurry. i think there are things to do first.? like homework. and other stuff. now, if the boy would sit with me and remind me that i should be doing homework, that would be something.
someone told me this week that i should maybe consider settling, because no one ever likes you as much as you want. i disagree. at least, i hope i disagree.
and none of this is set in stone, mind you. tomorrow, it will probably be completely different in my head. i almost decided not to write this stuff down, because gah! one just doesnt talk about marriage--its messy and because its bound to just make more messes and make people [myself included] worry about things that we shouldnt worry about because there are better things to worry about--not more important things, just, at this moment, better. but i think its the "almost-graduating-and-not-almost-married" syndrome that is effecting even me. and i swore it wouldnt. bother. but o well, here it is. [and apparently, its normal anyway?] i decided that since my mind can be changed, theres less harm in writing down todays opinions.
but here is my new irrational fear from this past week: i really dont want to marry someone who is perfect. or even someone who is almost perfect. and i know that technically i dont have to worry about that, because no one is, but there are people who think they are almost perfect. and i just cant keep up with that. so i say no. and im allowed to do that. hurrah.
bleh! enough of that, at least for now.

oh. poetry. i never thought in a million years that i would be writing it.
i like peas.
i dont like centeredness. [self or otherwise]
i do like thick skin and consistency and people who can carry on conversations and the people who you can get a hold of when you need them.
im forgetting how to write academically, and i think thats almost a problem. but also, im okay with it as long as i dont fail something.
and isnt it weird that sometimes, even when people are the exact same age as you, you feel way younger, and sometimes, even when they are older or younger, you feel the exact same age as them.
the song moon river is probably one of the only things in the world that just makes me want to write when i hear it.
p.s. if anyone wants to read any poems this week, i will let you. and you can tell me exactly what you think about them, and you can be perfectly honest and i wont even cry. i will probably give you a cookie.
isnt it something how we hurt each other when we dont even mean to? and then sometimes, someone does something that helps tremendously, but they dont even know it.
my car broke, but it was fixed for only 10 dollars. happy sigh.
the thing im excited most about this summer is getting to read again. i forget how much i really just love to read. but the first thing im doing when i get home besides sleeping is watching sound of music. and thats that.

once, when i was eleven or so, i thought i grasped the concept of God outside time. just for a moment. i remember it really clearly. i was talking with my best friend about it and i just stopped because i was thinking so hard about it and i almost understood. and then, after a just half a moment, it was lost again and i was confused again.
last night, for just a moment, i almost understood again. not specifically God outside time, but other things--being real [that ever vague, ever lusted after term], choosing how to choose [to borrow the phrase], and what matters in life [priorities are not my strong suite].
and it only lasted a minute again, but still. its strange.

sometimes, you just want some toast, you know?
yesterday, i had the hiccupps and i took a teaspoon of sugar, and it worked.
also, this morning apparently the fire alarm went off, and i slept right through it. i have serious problems. people have always told me that if there ever were a fire and the alarms went off i would wake up, but it went off this morning [for who knows why, there was no fire.] and i definately slept through it. so, please. if you are ever in the same building/ room/ whatever with me and theres a fire, wake me up. pretty please?

currently playing: glycerine // bush

Posted 4/30/2006 3:41 PM