» i sing in the car.
when i drive. its the best thing, and i like it, even though im sure i look funny. but its ok, because i reached the point of un-caring about whether strangers think i look funny in the car. and also: everyone does it. they look funny too.
» i procrasinate.
yes. too much, too too much. but sometimes, i get genius ideas when i do that, which is a problem, really, but one that im willing to deal with, if only because i have to.
» and i threw up.
[last tuesday.] i am a bad thrower-upper [always]. somehow or other nearly everyone knew about it. [ i was terribly worried that no one would like me after i threw up, but i think im safe] and thats ok, but it was just weird when i didnt see hardly anyone at all because i was sick, and asleep, and things like that. confusing, but whatever. and yes, i feel better, thanks.
my mother told me when i came to college that she would pray every day that i wouldnt throw up, and i guess thats because she knows that i am consistently a bad thrower-upper, or at the very least an ill-timed one. like when i was a baby girl and i threw up all over daddys shoulder when we were at walmart. or when i was 3 or 4 and i threw up grape juice on the pastors brand new [white?] carpet. or when i was 5 or 6 and i threw up in my grandmothers closet [dont remember how that happened] and we were late to pick up my mother from work. or that time when we just moved into a new house and the next night i threw up all over the new hardwood floors. or that time when i threw up in the living room when i had 8 things due the next day and it was almost fall break. yeah. it was gross. [i asked my mother if she forgot to pray about that on that day, and she said she couldnt remember. that sounds sketchy to me. apparently, i need all the prayers in that area [and every other one] that i can get.]
and you know, i dont think anyone really likes to throw up that much, and i certainly dont wish it upon anyone, but i suppose there is a certain fascination or confusion, or somethingerother with it, anyway. im not really sure what. i was worried about my teeth all day, that the acid from the throwing up would rot them away. and maybe it did. maybe ill have dentures by the time im 30 from all the times ive thrown up in my life. if i do get dentures, im blaming that.
and when i was in late elementery, my best friend and i were all about making lists, and we made a list of different names for throw-up. i think we got up to like 35 different names. if thats not evidence of talent / genius right there, i dont know what is.
and then i went home for break, and that was great and i heard this from my other sister who threw up: "well, at least you were a lady because you didnt have much chunkies." or something like that. and that, in a nutshell, is what i have always aspired to--being ladylike in my throwing-up.
although, im not sure i really was. i think i was just pitiful. when i went to see nurse paul [i like that guy] he said that looking at me made him just feel bad all over. and i believed him. and he was so nice to me, and so was the doctor. and i was telling them all about my throwing-up dream, and how after that i really did throw up, and he told me that he sincerely hoped that i would never dreamed that i exploded.
and then he gave me some cherry juice that comes in its own cup, and i drank one cup [although i have several cups still in my refridgerator, if anyone needs them.] and then i went to bed on the couch, which is the best place to sleep in such events as throw-up, and slept for a long time.
» i dont know
about things.
and i miss things.
» i like hotfudgesundaes.
the best ones are from mcdonalds. they have the best hotfudge around, and dont even ask me how that works. and its also probably the cheapest. its like the best invention in the whole entire world, practically.
theres just something about hotfudge that soothes the soul, and im not even making that up.
» i wear socks.
when i was home, my mother decided i didnt have enough socks. and then she decided that she would purchase me some, because mothers are good like that, and i am never one to turn down free anything, let alone free socks. but when we got to walmart, and she asked me what kind i would prefer to have on my feet, and i told her, and then she promptly told me that those kind of socks were out of style, and wouldnt i prefer to get another variety of socks? and i said that i didnt know that socks had styles in the winter. in the summer, of course, there are certain styles of socks that do not go with sandals [in fact, im not sure any socks go with sandals. ever] and stuff like that. but in the winter, noone can see your socks. and if i like socks that extend past my ankle, who is going to know, even if they are out of style? and since when do socks have styles in the winter? and maybe im out of style, but my reasoning seems perfectly logical to me too: in the rainy weather, the bottom of jeans get all soaked and nasty, but your socks probably stay dry cause they are in your shoes and behind your pant legs. so they will feel lots better than wet gross jeans. and that is a really valid reason for me to wear crew socks. so i bought that kind, out of style or not. and i bought some ankle socks, too, the handy kind where you cant see them, but they work the same pretty much. that is a nifty trick about those socks.
and also, i dont really see the point of toe socks, cause i think socks are supposed to be like mittens rather than gloves.
» i am a girl.
i am fragile and special and beautiful and clever and things like this. i am also moody and crazy and obnoxious and stuff like that. this is how girls are.
[take this into consideration, please.]
» i am a word person.
and im talkintoable. and i liked to be talked to. but sometimes i like to talk.
also, i dont reallyreally like to write that much. but i do. and my inability or ability to get the words on a page is turning into quite the mood-decider. thats awful.
» i am tired.
but im in college. thats expected. i think that i might even sleep too much, [as if thats even possible, which i dont think it is.] when i get the chance. i wonder if thats bad for your health.
but im not tired enough. i want to be the best kind of tired, but im too busy sleeping half the time to make that happen. i get so irritated at myself sometimes.
when i am oldoldold [there are three kinds of physical oldness, you know--old, oldold, and oldoldold.], i am going to grow my hair longlong, so i can have a great ballerina bun, or a french twist, and im going to dress like jackie o. and wear pearls and lipstick. and i am going to sit in church and just belt out all the harmony parts to all the old hymns, because ive been around long enough by then to know them all. and i wont even need the hymnbook. i know a lot of the harmonies now, but not all of them. and i cant belt them out with the years of experience under my belt [girdle?] proving over and over that he is faithful. i know it of course, and he has proved it to me. but i will be excited then to remember. and i will be ready to go places.
i am ready to go places now too, but not literally.
» i care.
i promise. i love you [and you and you] always, and always. sometimes too much, i think [if thats possible, and im not sure if it is.]
but not always enough. and i dont know how to do it correctly.
but we'll get there.
» i like to laugh.
duh. and i think more of it should be done on a regular basis. i am osohappy that i know people that make me laugh a lot sometimes.
» i think too small.
i saw my 11th grade english teacher at salvation army over fall break. and when i think of her, i think of the things that she drilled into our heads [bernice bobs her hair [!]] [well, actually, a whole lot of things she said, i can remember. that was an important class.] but one thing she would repeat a lot during the week we spent on RalphWaldoEmerson and HenryDavidThoreau was:
"simplifysimplifysimplify."
i think i need to do this. i might even become a hermit, at least on the weekdays.
i feel like-- i dont even know. i feel like my brain is too small, but i think its big enough, but its not.
i need to care about what matters.
most of this stuff doesnt matter.
currently playing: a rush of blood to the head
Posted 10/26/2005 11:25 AM
Thursday, September 27, 2007
[continued.]
II.
i cant decide if everyone is like me or not, or whether im like everyone, or whatever. i mean, basic things are similar, of course, but what about everything else? i wonder how we know if the thoughts we're thinking are original, [but most likely they arent, because im not sure anything is] or if everyone else in the immediate area is thinking the same exact things, and i wonder if everyone else knows what im talking about ever, and i wonder if i understand them when they tell me things. .
its also confusing about how much of me is genetic, or learned behavior, or just what i do when people are around, or because i feel like it. etc., etc. for example, i like to laugh. but if there were no people, would i laugh because it is in my nature to laugh, or do i laugh because people are around to make me laugh? and do i sing in the car because everyone on the planet sings in the car, or because music may be genetic or because there is a radio present and my subconscious thinks what the heck, why not?
i want to know what makes people work together well and when you know that friendship is reciprocated and when it isnt, and i want to know how people feel about my tendency to assign them roles in my life in my head, but i may or may not tell them about it. there is a guy i know at home, for example, who i would consider to be the official big brother for the moment, but he probably doesnt know it. maybe thats weird, and maybe he wouldnt like it and would probably flip out if i called him with a car question or something if daddy wasnt around. but maybe he thinks the exact same thing. who even knows about this stuff.
i want to know that its worth it to invest me in things and people.
III.
and also: i feel like i need something or somethings, rather. and missing out on things, and oblivious to things and ignoring and noticing just the wrong things.
IV.
'if you feel discouraged
that theres a lack of color here
please dont worry, lover.
things are really bursting at the seams
absorbing everything
the spectrum's A to Z.'
=yes.
V.
and thats just the thing: i really do think that things are bursting at the seams, [mostly, i think that we are dealing with the biggest, fullest, best and worst things in life. and if thats not a daunting thought, i dont know what is.] but somehow i just cant reach it, and dont know how to go about getting it. but its there for the taking; i do firmly believe that.
there is a bowl of candy corn on our kitchen counter. i personally prefer the original candycorn, not the chocolate kind. but daddy likes the chocolate kind best. he asked me if i liked that kind [so he could know if he could eat them all or not], and i said i didnt, not that i'd ever tried it, but i assumed that i didnt like it and so i wasnt going to bother.
i dont think i know the nature of things, instead of bothering to figure it out, i just dont bother at all. which is osovery bad. like i think that when it says that "God is an ever present help in trouble" i think that trouble means like being chased to death with a sword or something. but im not sure he means that. and when he says he loves me, and that i should let things go, its probably different than i think too.
i should probably just try the dumb candy corn and see if i like it too, instead of assuming i dont. cause you know what assuming does.
VI.
"it does not matter how it hurts..." // "do the next thing..." // and "You Are Here. [things happen here.]"
i wonder if dove soap and dove chocolates are made by the same people. that would be crazy.
i wouldnt mind some good chocolate; mumma brought some back, and its delicious. but every piece ive had so far has had filling. i jsut want chocolate straight up. and thats all.
i need to want what i know i want more. i want the wrong things too much, of course, but i dont want the other things enough.
VII.
[i wont give up on giving you the chance to blow my mind.]
VIII.
yes, so i feel like a sink. and i feel like i might be on the edge of finding what i need, and realizing things i should, and loving people and writing and learning and growing, but not just yet. almostalmostalmostalmost. there is a drip from the faucet on my soap-covered ceramic. and it might turn into a waterfall. the tricky part will be, of course, getting the drain in the bottom and turning off the water before it spills over and makes a mess all over the floor. cause thats dangerous and slippery and irritating. but if i can just get the timing of everything right, and the water turned off after the sink is sufficiently full, then things will work as its supposed to, and it will make a perfect bathtub for a baby. and the baby will be happy and safe and clean and the bath will be effective and warm and useful and good-smelling and it will be lovely all around.
[maybe.maybe.maybe.maybe.maybe.maybe. [?!] hopefully.[!]]
Posted 10/23/2005 3:10 PM -
i cant decide if everyone is like me or not, or whether im like everyone, or whatever. i mean, basic things are similar, of course, but what about everything else? i wonder how we know if the thoughts we're thinking are original, [but most likely they arent, because im not sure anything is] or if everyone else in the immediate area is thinking the same exact things, and i wonder if everyone else knows what im talking about ever, and i wonder if i understand them when they tell me things. .
its also confusing about how much of me is genetic, or learned behavior, or just what i do when people are around, or because i feel like it. etc., etc. for example, i like to laugh. but if there were no people, would i laugh because it is in my nature to laugh, or do i laugh because people are around to make me laugh? and do i sing in the car because everyone on the planet sings in the car, or because music may be genetic or because there is a radio present and my subconscious thinks what the heck, why not?
i want to know what makes people work together well and when you know that friendship is reciprocated and when it isnt, and i want to know how people feel about my tendency to assign them roles in my life in my head, but i may or may not tell them about it. there is a guy i know at home, for example, who i would consider to be the official big brother for the moment, but he probably doesnt know it. maybe thats weird, and maybe he wouldnt like it and would probably flip out if i called him with a car question or something if daddy wasnt around. but maybe he thinks the exact same thing. who even knows about this stuff.
i want to know that its worth it to invest me in things and people.
III.
and also: i feel like i need something or somethings, rather. and missing out on things, and oblivious to things and ignoring and noticing just the wrong things.
IV.
'if you feel discouraged
that theres a lack of color here
please dont worry, lover.
things are really bursting at the seams
absorbing everything
the spectrum's A to Z.'
=yes.
V.
and thats just the thing: i really do think that things are bursting at the seams, [mostly, i think that we are dealing with the biggest, fullest, best and worst things in life. and if thats not a daunting thought, i dont know what is.] but somehow i just cant reach it, and dont know how to go about getting it. but its there for the taking; i do firmly believe that.
there is a bowl of candy corn on our kitchen counter. i personally prefer the original candycorn, not the chocolate kind. but daddy likes the chocolate kind best. he asked me if i liked that kind [so he could know if he could eat them all or not], and i said i didnt, not that i'd ever tried it, but i assumed that i didnt like it and so i wasnt going to bother.
i dont think i know the nature of things, instead of bothering to figure it out, i just dont bother at all. which is osovery bad. like i think that when it says that "God is an ever present help in trouble" i think that trouble means like being chased to death with a sword or something. but im not sure he means that. and when he says he loves me, and that i should let things go, its probably different than i think too.
i should probably just try the dumb candy corn and see if i like it too, instead of assuming i dont. cause you know what assuming does.
VI.
"it does not matter how it hurts..." // "do the next thing..." // and "You Are Here. [things happen here.]"
i wonder if dove soap and dove chocolates are made by the same people. that would be crazy.
i wouldnt mind some good chocolate; mumma brought some back, and its delicious. but every piece ive had so far has had filling. i jsut want chocolate straight up. and thats all.
i need to want what i know i want more. i want the wrong things too much, of course, but i dont want the other things enough.
VII.
[i wont give up on giving you the chance to blow my mind.]
VIII.
yes, so i feel like a sink. and i feel like i might be on the edge of finding what i need, and realizing things i should, and loving people and writing and learning and growing, but not just yet. almostalmostalmostalmost. there is a drip from the faucet on my soap-covered ceramic. and it might turn into a waterfall. the tricky part will be, of course, getting the drain in the bottom and turning off the water before it spills over and makes a mess all over the floor. cause thats dangerous and slippery and irritating. but if i can just get the timing of everything right, and the water turned off after the sink is sufficiently full, then things will work as its supposed to, and it will make a perfect bathtub for a baby. and the baby will be happy and safe and clean and the bath will be effective and warm and useful and good-smelling and it will be lovely all around.
[maybe.maybe.maybe.maybe.maybe.maybe. [?!] hopefully.[!]]
Posted 10/23/2005 3:10 PM -
lemon bubbles
I.
i think i feel something like a sink that has previously been filled with a layer of soap [lemon, of course] all along the bottom and just now the water has been turned on to a drip. and goodness knows what will happen if the water is turned on all the way.
but i think that may be coming too.
II.
[to be continued.]
Currently Watching: Batman Begins
Posted 10/21/2005 12:13 AM
i think i feel something like a sink that has previously been filled with a layer of soap [lemon, of course] all along the bottom and just now the water has been turned on to a drip. and goodness knows what will happen if the water is turned on all the way.
but i think that may be coming too.
II.
[to be continued.]
Currently Watching: Batman Begins
Posted 10/21/2005 12:13 AM
backwards countdown (or, nashville #1)
oh, marilla, if you only knew how many things i want to say and dont. [!]
i have got to--got to--stop talking my head off. its getting ridiculous. i have been talking my head off in person, and in writing. this weekend alone i wrote 40 pages and only 10 of them were notes from a speaker of any sort. that means i have 30 pages from things in my head, or from other peoples heads, unofficially. gracious: there are so many, many things that i feel like i need to say and document and discuss that i can hardly keep up with myself. its something of a question of my head working faster than my hands. and that makes me a little sad, because who knows how many genius things that ive thought and not written down. this means that i have devoted myself to trying to write down everything i think or hear or anything else, which means i have been carrying around paper a lot. this is cumbersome, but necessary. in fact, i would be rather lost without my notebook right now, and he is the hero for like 7 minutes because i almost forgot it, but he found it. but the point is: i have been feeling the weight of words lately and i feel as though im wasting them, at least sometimes, even though i want to use them more than ever, and also if i did write it down it would take about a year, so heres a list [and even a list in downward order] of the highlights, and i will try to keep the rest of everything inside me for once.
interesting things to think of:
judaism
a linen obelisk/que
aching for an epiphany
writing backwards [!]
wasabi sauce
upstairs windows
insides of other peoples heads
stair well[s]
fufilling dreams
national fads
keywords:
self-out-of-way
listen
balance
do-somethingbe-brave
fragileness
let-someone-else-talk-for-a-while
love
allow-for-growth
muchly wonderful things:
singing
downtown nashville
making art
hanging out & relaxing
dressing up all at once
being cultured
dodgeball
helpful,
encouraging critiques
inspiring media things:
a heartbreaking work of staggering genius
night
lucky magazine
the sermon on the mount [im curious about this]
bird by bird
music. period.
seinfeldsome
quotes from weekend:
-- "no, stupid. there cant be any national fads." "well, what about blue jeans?"
-- "dont ever go 'whats wrong with you?!?'"
-- "im really lazy, so if she asks me to do something that makes me look strong, i usually dont."
-- "i cant help that im taller than you and i have to talk down."
-- "i concur, triumphantly slash abundantly"
-- "dance dance, burn baby burn, all night long, in bed."
generally goodness:
fountains of chocolateness [and bananas]
dancing
unlostness
laughing. a lot.
not being hated [and being taken care of]
boys who tried to kill me:
the DMV bullrider
the waving-non-paying-attention driver
crazy nashville [or bucksnort] men
j.b. on the dodgeball court
everyone should:
maintain eye contact
smell pleasant [like boy or girl, whichever is appropriate]
laugh at jokes
favorite new words:
legislatrix
tautology
genius moment of the night:
figuring out the word game
currently playing [among other things]:sugar we're going down [swinging] // falloutboy [because sugar makes me smile muchly]
Posted 10/16/2005 11:57 PM
i have got to--got to--stop talking my head off. its getting ridiculous. i have been talking my head off in person, and in writing. this weekend alone i wrote 40 pages and only 10 of them were notes from a speaker of any sort. that means i have 30 pages from things in my head, or from other peoples heads, unofficially. gracious: there are so many, many things that i feel like i need to say and document and discuss that i can hardly keep up with myself. its something of a question of my head working faster than my hands. and that makes me a little sad, because who knows how many genius things that ive thought and not written down. this means that i have devoted myself to trying to write down everything i think or hear or anything else, which means i have been carrying around paper a lot. this is cumbersome, but necessary. in fact, i would be rather lost without my notebook right now, and he is the hero for like 7 minutes because i almost forgot it, but he found it. but the point is: i have been feeling the weight of words lately and i feel as though im wasting them, at least sometimes, even though i want to use them more than ever, and also if i did write it down it would take about a year, so heres a list [and even a list in downward order] of the highlights, and i will try to keep the rest of everything inside me for once.
interesting things to think of:
judaism
a linen obelisk/que
aching for an epiphany
writing backwards [!]
wasabi sauce
upstairs windows
insides of other peoples heads
stair well[s]
fufilling dreams
national fads
keywords:
self-out-of-way
listen
balance
do-somethingbe-brave
fragileness
let-someone-else-talk-for-a-while
love
allow-for-growth
muchly wonderful things:
singing
downtown nashville
making art
hanging out & relaxing
dressing up all at once
being cultured
dodgeball
helpful,
encouraging critiques
inspiring media things:
a heartbreaking work of staggering genius
night
lucky magazine
the sermon on the mount [im curious about this]
bird by bird
music. period.
seinfeldsome
quotes from weekend:
-- "no, stupid. there cant be any national fads." "well, what about blue jeans?"
-- "dont ever go 'whats wrong with you?!?'"
-- "im really lazy, so if she asks me to do something that makes me look strong, i usually dont."
-- "i cant help that im taller than you and i have to talk down."
-- "i concur, triumphantly slash abundantly"
-- "dance dance, burn baby burn, all night long, in bed."
generally goodness:
fountains of chocolateness [and bananas]
dancing
unlostness
laughing. a lot.
not being hated [and being taken care of]
boys who tried to kill me:
the DMV bullrider
the waving-non-paying-attention driver
crazy nashville [or bucksnort] men
j.b. on the dodgeball court
everyone should:
maintain eye contact
smell pleasant [like boy or girl, whichever is appropriate]
laugh at jokes
favorite new words:
legislatrix
tautology
genius moment of the night:
figuring out the word game
currently playing [among other things]:sugar we're going down [swinging] // falloutboy [because sugar makes me smile muchly]
Posted 10/16/2005 11:57 PM
just because i love lobster....
doesnt mean i want it everyday for dinner.
* * *
and ive been busy trying to round out my wardrobe. i have been missing a few key elements, so ive been trying to fix that. like i need professional things. o dear. and i bought a perfectly wonderful little black dress finallyfinally. ive been looking for a while, but the one i had my eye on all summer was like a million dollars, and even though it would have looked like a million dollars, i just didnt have the pocket change. but i think i found one that will suffice and be wonderful, and was within the price range [sometimes, though you have to dispense with formally strict dress code for special things. but i dont feel that bad about it.]. so. yes. i am pleased. and i was pleased that when i was thinking of things for making my resume, it wasnt totally empty like i thought it was going to be. its a big relief, and i dont feel quite so hopeless and lost about the future. hopless and lost still, yes. but not quite so much, because i will have slightly more than a blank sheet of paper. now i will have a blank sheet of paper and some ink to give them. its amazing what can make things better. we have decided that five things are practically guarenteed fixers: boys who can dance, or who arent stupid, chocolate, prayer, a really great new pair of shoes, or dress or whatever, and bestest friends. with these things, you can hardly go wrong. and there have been plenty of [most of] the above lately.
* * *
how funny it is to feel yourself learning lessons. there are so many of them, after all. practically every minute you think of, or are reminded of, something else that needs to be learned or changed or remembered or fixed about yourself and other people and life. and the you remember how much of everything that you are incapable of and you feel like a mess. you are too much of the bad stuff and not nearly one smidgin enough of everything good. and you feel that all the things that you think of should be creepingcreeping down through your heart and into your toes and that change should come all over you, like after you drink something warm, and you can feel it going down all through everywhere. but its not quite like that: one minute is good and you think that you will change and be better, and then the next is grossgrossgross and then you want to just give up, and sit down in the middle of the floor like a 2 year old who smushed her finger and pout. but then He comes along and says well stand up little one, and pulls you up by your fingers, wipes your nose, pats your bottom to get you going again, and sticks in your hand one of those nasty little ring-shaped butter cookies. who even likes those things? well, its not a chocolate chip cookie, thats for sure. so you complain, but He says that it will still be better than sitting in the middle of the floor with nothing at all dont you think? and he gives us a bandaid for our hurt fingers. and they dont make the hurt go away, but somehow it still helps very muchly. and how comforting it is to remember that He is eversomuch more than enough for me. even when i seem to be a sprawled out mess [and i feel like 939848 pounds of walking disaster,] he can encompass that in one second, and have plenty of His grace leftover for tomorrow and the next day and the next day.
* * *
osomany smushed finger moments lately. and i have learned. im not sure what, yet. because it seems like its still sinking all down, but i have. and i have prayed and laughed [!] and danced [!!!]. we are good dancers over here, let me tell you. and ive said it before, but when i grow up, im making it a point to take dancing lessons. all kinds. irish, and salsa and swing and ballet and ballroom, and tango and jitterbug and ghetto and everything. i want to be good at it. that is a life goal. and i dont need to like do competitions or recitals or whatever, but i want to be good, because ive been remembering how much i love it. i make such a horrible baptist person. but i guess it doesnt matter because i think im almost done with the southern baptist way of doing most things. [if you disagree and want details, i can give them to you. my theologys still sound and everything] God is bigger than we give him credit for, i think, in the way we approcah nearly everything. He is also more creative and smarter and cooler and graceful-er and more than all of our whatever. im tired of churches who forget that and doubly thankful for those that do. and im muchly more aware and frusturated with myself when i forget, because i do forget. remind me. i guess the only thing i do, in fact, miss a good deal is potlucks. i dont other denominations quite grasp the concept of a potluck supper. they just arent as good as i remember them being as when we attended the southern baptist church. i was reminded of such the other day at the library reading thing, and 1) the whole room was full of old women who were like in love with the writing of this author, and he was so funny. and he obviously had a high regard for them too, and they just loved it. but 2) there was the snack table and there were 18--eighteen!--bundt cakes. why? why would the ladies have 18 bundt cakes?! i have no idea. it was very perplexing, im still perplexed to this day. and then i was thinking that there was a plot like in arsenic and old lace where the old ladies were trying to poison us all. i thought it was a highly likely possibility and so i resolved to not eat any bundt cake. instead i nibbled off of the one plate of chocolate covered pretzels. but i dont even know why they were allowed in there, because of someone might eat them instead of bundt cake and not get poisoned. it worked against the effectiveness of the overall plot, i think. oh! right. but there was this line in one of the best movies ever "so you think: hell with it. life goes on. and maybe there wont be marriage, and maybe there wont even be sex. but by God, there will be dancing." and that is a point, i think.
* * *
when the author was here, he read my stuff. and he didnt hate it. and he told me how to make it better. thank heavens i can take criticism, especially about my own work. i am muchly relieved about that. and i have a lot of work to do, but it will be good.
[thats like me]
* * *
this is me. and this is me growing a spine. and trying to say what i need to say. and getting my heart broken over things that deserve its brokeness and thats all and then move through and on from that to a bigger ability to love. im trying not to be inhibited by things that would usually do so [like mistakes--learn from them instead of wishing them back or away.] and i have a hard time understanding what is reallyreally worth my time, love, effort, tears, and devotion and entanglement--but then again--what or who isnt worth it? im not sure we have reason to stop loving, or give up, just because it might be messy. but we have to take care of ourselves, too. and thats where we just deposit ourselves in His capable hands. i am a mostly firm believer in less is more. and i will choose to wait for more which means having less now, and i will choose to believe that that is more than ok. of course, the major question is how? and i have no idea. but i dont think i have to. i just have to take things one second at a time. [o, but how long seconds are sometimes. sometimes i put something in the microwave for 10 or 12 seconds and i can do like 3 things in that time, like get a cup out, and the milk from the fridge and put a knife in the sink or something. i would have thought that all of those actions took longer than 10 seconds by themselves. its surprises me every time without fail.] and in the meantime, i will eat more chocolate icecream and pizza and watch more movies and blow up more balloons, and look up more, and listen to more music [thank heavens for music.] and study more and write more. when you find me again, i will be more than when you left me. i have decided that thing. the principle is even good with jewlery. i just have to leave some of these things behind. too much bling isnt good for a girl; one less braclet isnt going to hurt me one bit. [ill just wear some phenominal earrings to make up for it. or shoes. a girl can never have too many shoes.]
* * *
currently playing: week 6: the music [this is the music of my life, and its good.]
Posted 10/9/2005 9:15 PM
* * *
and ive been busy trying to round out my wardrobe. i have been missing a few key elements, so ive been trying to fix that. like i need professional things. o dear. and i bought a perfectly wonderful little black dress finallyfinally. ive been looking for a while, but the one i had my eye on all summer was like a million dollars, and even though it would have looked like a million dollars, i just didnt have the pocket change. but i think i found one that will suffice and be wonderful, and was within the price range [sometimes, though you have to dispense with formally strict dress code for special things. but i dont feel that bad about it.]. so. yes. i am pleased. and i was pleased that when i was thinking of things for making my resume, it wasnt totally empty like i thought it was going to be. its a big relief, and i dont feel quite so hopeless and lost about the future. hopless and lost still, yes. but not quite so much, because i will have slightly more than a blank sheet of paper. now i will have a blank sheet of paper and some ink to give them. its amazing what can make things better. we have decided that five things are practically guarenteed fixers: boys who can dance, or who arent stupid, chocolate, prayer, a really great new pair of shoes, or dress or whatever, and bestest friends. with these things, you can hardly go wrong. and there have been plenty of [most of] the above lately.
* * *
how funny it is to feel yourself learning lessons. there are so many of them, after all. practically every minute you think of, or are reminded of, something else that needs to be learned or changed or remembered or fixed about yourself and other people and life. and the you remember how much of everything that you are incapable of and you feel like a mess. you are too much of the bad stuff and not nearly one smidgin enough of everything good. and you feel that all the things that you think of should be creepingcreeping down through your heart and into your toes and that change should come all over you, like after you drink something warm, and you can feel it going down all through everywhere. but its not quite like that: one minute is good and you think that you will change and be better, and then the next is grossgrossgross and then you want to just give up, and sit down in the middle of the floor like a 2 year old who smushed her finger and pout. but then He comes along and says well stand up little one, and pulls you up by your fingers, wipes your nose, pats your bottom to get you going again, and sticks in your hand one of those nasty little ring-shaped butter cookies. who even likes those things? well, its not a chocolate chip cookie, thats for sure. so you complain, but He says that it will still be better than sitting in the middle of the floor with nothing at all dont you think? and he gives us a bandaid for our hurt fingers. and they dont make the hurt go away, but somehow it still helps very muchly. and how comforting it is to remember that He is eversomuch more than enough for me. even when i seem to be a sprawled out mess [and i feel like 939848 pounds of walking disaster,] he can encompass that in one second, and have plenty of His grace leftover for tomorrow and the next day and the next day.
* * *
osomany smushed finger moments lately. and i have learned. im not sure what, yet. because it seems like its still sinking all down, but i have. and i have prayed and laughed [!] and danced [!!!]. we are good dancers over here, let me tell you. and ive said it before, but when i grow up, im making it a point to take dancing lessons. all kinds. irish, and salsa and swing and ballet and ballroom, and tango and jitterbug and ghetto and everything. i want to be good at it. that is a life goal. and i dont need to like do competitions or recitals or whatever, but i want to be good, because ive been remembering how much i love it. i make such a horrible baptist person. but i guess it doesnt matter because i think im almost done with the southern baptist way of doing most things. [if you disagree and want details, i can give them to you. my theologys still sound and everything] God is bigger than we give him credit for, i think, in the way we approcah nearly everything. He is also more creative and smarter and cooler and graceful-er and more than all of our whatever. im tired of churches who forget that and doubly thankful for those that do. and im muchly more aware and frusturated with myself when i forget, because i do forget. remind me. i guess the only thing i do, in fact, miss a good deal is potlucks. i dont other denominations quite grasp the concept of a potluck supper. they just arent as good as i remember them being as when we attended the southern baptist church. i was reminded of such the other day at the library reading thing, and 1) the whole room was full of old women who were like in love with the writing of this author, and he was so funny. and he obviously had a high regard for them too, and they just loved it. but 2) there was the snack table and there were 18--eighteen!--bundt cakes. why? why would the ladies have 18 bundt cakes?! i have no idea. it was very perplexing, im still perplexed to this day. and then i was thinking that there was a plot like in arsenic and old lace where the old ladies were trying to poison us all. i thought it was a highly likely possibility and so i resolved to not eat any bundt cake. instead i nibbled off of the one plate of chocolate covered pretzels. but i dont even know why they were allowed in there, because of someone might eat them instead of bundt cake and not get poisoned. it worked against the effectiveness of the overall plot, i think. oh! right. but there was this line in one of the best movies ever "so you think: hell with it. life goes on. and maybe there wont be marriage, and maybe there wont even be sex. but by God, there will be dancing." and that is a point, i think.
* * *
when the author was here, he read my stuff. and he didnt hate it. and he told me how to make it better. thank heavens i can take criticism, especially about my own work. i am muchly relieved about that. and i have a lot of work to do, but it will be good.
[thats like me]
* * *
this is me. and this is me growing a spine. and trying to say what i need to say. and getting my heart broken over things that deserve its brokeness and thats all and then move through and on from that to a bigger ability to love. im trying not to be inhibited by things that would usually do so [like mistakes--learn from them instead of wishing them back or away.] and i have a hard time understanding what is reallyreally worth my time, love, effort, tears, and devotion and entanglement--but then again--what or who isnt worth it? im not sure we have reason to stop loving, or give up, just because it might be messy. but we have to take care of ourselves, too. and thats where we just deposit ourselves in His capable hands. i am a mostly firm believer in less is more. and i will choose to wait for more which means having less now, and i will choose to believe that that is more than ok. of course, the major question is how? and i have no idea. but i dont think i have to. i just have to take things one second at a time. [o, but how long seconds are sometimes. sometimes i put something in the microwave for 10 or 12 seconds and i can do like 3 things in that time, like get a cup out, and the milk from the fridge and put a knife in the sink or something. i would have thought that all of those actions took longer than 10 seconds by themselves. its surprises me every time without fail.] and in the meantime, i will eat more chocolate icecream and pizza and watch more movies and blow up more balloons, and look up more, and listen to more music [thank heavens for music.] and study more and write more. when you find me again, i will be more than when you left me. i have decided that thing. the principle is even good with jewlery. i just have to leave some of these things behind. too much bling isnt good for a girl; one less braclet isnt going to hurt me one bit. [ill just wear some phenominal earrings to make up for it. or shoes. a girl can never have too many shoes.]
* * *
currently playing: week 6: the music [this is the music of my life, and its good.]
Posted 10/9/2005 9:15 PM
(i didnt die)
last night, as i was sitting in my chair, with my blinds open because i like to let the night in, and a stacked-up room and a sign on my door, i was eating macandcheeseandpeas and thinking about things. and i put on my comfyest clothes [and i was eating comfort food], so you know i was serious about it. and im a pretty good thinker, when i set my mind to it, and some of my thinking even happened today, so these are some of the things that i thought. because lately, i just feel the need to spend a lot of time in my own head. im craving "think time" where-ever and whenever i can get it. this half way worries me. for example, traditionally, or at least lately, one my most productive think times is in church. and not just in church--a lot of other times too. but in church i can just scribblescribblescribble away, probably more than any other time in the whole week. and as awful as that is, i almost think thats how it should be. church should be that inspiring. it should be the thing that makes my world larger and more aware and more thoughtful and active and loving and honest. and i can pay attention and think too, you know. and no one around me knows the difference anyway--they all think im taking notes. ;) but i still feel sortof bad. and speaking of feeling bad, my alarm clock, after all this two years of only semi-faithful service, has died i think. well, i mean it still works, but i think that i have finally i have stepped on it, and laid on it, and smushed it under my pillow, kicked it out of the way and drop-kicked it enough for the knobs on the back to finally break. so i cant adjust the time at all, and the alarm is only good if i want to wake up at 11ish something. which i do want to wake up then, but that doesnt work out so much as far as class goes. so i have to get a new one, and one thats loud enough. because i do not need to be sleeping so much. the end. although, i have been doing all kinds of things when i sleep to try to wake myself up better. i havent slept in my bed properly in like a week, and i try to be uncomfortable, so ill want to get up. and that hasnt helped my waking up for all week, but it has helped like once. and i guess that makes it worth it. like yesterday, for example: monday i got up for moral leaders all by myself, without even my roommates. thats like a miracle. and then i read this thing while i was there: gandhi said: "only give up a thing when you want some other condition so much that the thing has no longer any attraction for you, or when it seems to interfere with that which is more greatly desired." and from the same class: florence nightingale said pharaphrasedly by me: work hard at your goals, and even if you dont make it quite, you can do it better again tomorrow. i want to be better tomorrow, but ill be lucky if i make it that far. its like asking for the page numbers when we are lucky we got the 10 pages out of me. and: how much it takes for people to realize that they are not the end-all-be-alls of this world, even me too. but the confusing things too is that it also takes a lot to realize that you are not worthless either, and that they are good at things, and have ideas and emotions that are perfectly valid and that they can even be right sometimes. its hard to think that you can have perfectly legitimate thoughts, etc., when everytime you vocalize one someone who thinks that they are all that and a bag of chips comes over, tells you that youre wrong and then lectures you for a long time.
[let it be known that i can have good ideas. and let it be known that i had this good idea first.]
i feel like not enough sometimes. i guess i need to be overwhelmed with what He is, rather than overwhelmed by all the things i am not. but when i see the greatness of you, i wish the lessness of me could just melt into the couch cushions, unnoticed, just the same.
and if you can watch someone cry without moving a muscle in their direction, you might be a cold-hearted person or something, im just saying.
and thank heavens for people who i know love me for sure and for real. i wish i knew that about everyone. and i am so glad that laughing is still an option. i live with funny people, and its happy.
i have so much more to say, and so much ive been thinking and wondering, but it wont come out. but i wonder if no one acutally has to bother to talk to me because i can write it all down for them, and they can know all they need to know about me that way, but they have to get to know other people because other people dont write? hrm. thats a sad possibility. the other morning i was awake at 6:30, and it was dark outside. and i looked out the window and looked and then sometime between 6:52 and 7:01 (i think, or whatever the acutal times were) and it became light, all of a sudden. i missed the moment, even though i kept looking. it surprises me how quickly some things change. change, yes, but settlesettlesettle. [i want my shoes broken-in already] and staples in pants. and i dont want to stop trusting people, i dont. cause i do trust them, you know, very nearly regardless. but i want my heart to be bigger, even still. but not yet. maybe tomorrow. and i really really want to do what i love, but i want to know what that is first, and im not even sure that i can do it even after i find out.
i have to start making a resume and portfolio. scary. and buy some professional clothes. i might find a job or something, scaryscaryscary. i wrote a biography for something i wrote the other week and i said "julie wants to be a ballerina when she grows up, but will settle for being a best-selling author." but who even knows if thats what i want. but i was amused by it. and im scared i wont be good enough.
and today when i crawled through the window cause i forgot my keys, i hit my head on that stupid annoying obnoxious board, cause who even knows why its there, and i thought i had a concussion and that i was going to die straight up, and i fell onto my bed and i was thinking to myself that i cant go to sleep, cause i might never wake up because the huge bump on my head hurt osovery bad, but then i fell asleep anyway, but i remember thinking to myself that i was going to die uncomfortably [see above], because i was squished, and i had a burial shroud because i was wrapped up in my white blanket, and im sure i looked like a mummy. but then i woke up and i was pleasantly surprised, but i think i have a bump.
some things, like walls, and heads and situations and people and stuff are hard. and when you smush them together, it hurts.
so: and i need some cookies [and by that i mean cookie dough and i need real food too.] and: i need my skin to be about 5 inches thicker and my heart to be 7 cupfuls of fabric softener softer. ill take the thick skin now, thanks, and ill leave the fabric softener on layaway or something.
Posted 10/4/2005 9:37 PM
[let it be known that i can have good ideas. and let it be known that i had this good idea first.]
i feel like not enough sometimes. i guess i need to be overwhelmed with what He is, rather than overwhelmed by all the things i am not. but when i see the greatness of you, i wish the lessness of me could just melt into the couch cushions, unnoticed, just the same.
and if you can watch someone cry without moving a muscle in their direction, you might be a cold-hearted person or something, im just saying.
and thank heavens for people who i know love me for sure and for real. i wish i knew that about everyone. and i am so glad that laughing is still an option. i live with funny people, and its happy.
i have so much more to say, and so much ive been thinking and wondering, but it wont come out. but i wonder if no one acutally has to bother to talk to me because i can write it all down for them, and they can know all they need to know about me that way, but they have to get to know other people because other people dont write? hrm. thats a sad possibility. the other morning i was awake at 6:30, and it was dark outside. and i looked out the window and looked and then sometime between 6:52 and 7:01 (i think, or whatever the acutal times were) and it became light, all of a sudden. i missed the moment, even though i kept looking. it surprises me how quickly some things change. change, yes, but settlesettlesettle. [i want my shoes broken-in already] and staples in pants. and i dont want to stop trusting people, i dont. cause i do trust them, you know, very nearly regardless. but i want my heart to be bigger, even still. but not yet. maybe tomorrow. and i really really want to do what i love, but i want to know what that is first, and im not even sure that i can do it even after i find out.
i have to start making a resume and portfolio. scary. and buy some professional clothes. i might find a job or something, scaryscaryscary. i wrote a biography for something i wrote the other week and i said "julie wants to be a ballerina when she grows up, but will settle for being a best-selling author." but who even knows if thats what i want. but i was amused by it. and im scared i wont be good enough.
and today when i crawled through the window cause i forgot my keys, i hit my head on that stupid annoying obnoxious board, cause who even knows why its there, and i thought i had a concussion and that i was going to die straight up, and i fell onto my bed and i was thinking to myself that i cant go to sleep, cause i might never wake up because the huge bump on my head hurt osovery bad, but then i fell asleep anyway, but i remember thinking to myself that i was going to die uncomfortably [see above], because i was squished, and i had a burial shroud because i was wrapped up in my white blanket, and im sure i looked like a mummy. but then i woke up and i was pleasantly surprised, but i think i have a bump.
some things, like walls, and heads and situations and people and stuff are hard. and when you smush them together, it hurts.
so: and i need some cookies [and by that i mean cookie dough and i need real food too.] and: i need my skin to be about 5 inches thicker and my heart to be 7 cupfuls of fabric softener softer. ill take the thick skin now, thanks, and ill leave the fabric softener on layaway or something.
Posted 10/4/2005 9:37 PM
list #2
apparently, im really into lists lately, and apparently lists of eight. its too bad that making lists doesnt inspire me to necessarily finish them. boo.
todays list of somethings:
1. i know next to nothing about the Dalai Lama. he is a very curious sort of person and i want to know about him. i only learned about 2 things today, and thats because i was asking so many questions that no one knew the answer to that someone went and looked up a really basic article for me about him. my curiousity is not appeased. its a very perplexing subject.
2. i think im getting excited about my story. although, it needs work.
im considering becoming a hermit.
3. theres a song that i can never figure out what the words are: its either
every morning, start over
or
let it go and start over.
and i dont know which one it is, but i dont suppose it really matters.
4. snooze is a word that does not look quite right to me.
5. a spontaneous poem that i wrote from ink.:
and His voice rang through the mountains,
the trees, the streams and the trickles through the forests,
the rivers at the bottom of the canyons
and with that, there was silence. after a moment,
in a different land, a temple crumbled, and houses
fell throughout the city at once--and it was then
that the echoes of the cries of God
and the cries of children that were caused
by God's cries and the sound of them mingled together
created a new sound, a sound that was heard
across the land, and then the people waited breathlessly.
6. my mind is a mess of everything, but eventually,
i will be stronger than this. and i am trying to and will pick and choose what im taking and what im leaving, instead of being told. i am not wrong all the time, you know.
and if you are a rational person, i hereby invite you to be my friend, and rub off on me all your rational thinking capabilities, because i get irrational a lot of sometimes.
and im mildly [terribly] curious about what will happen next, but im trying to remember that today has enough trouble of its own. "you cant start worrying about whats going to happen. you get spastic enough worrying about whats happening now." yes, thats true i think.
7. inevitably, whenever you dont take a shower, you see everyone that should be seen while looking your best. and when you look great, you dont see a soul.
ill take comfort that i always put on mascara.
i can surprise and annoy and love and hate and want differently for myself, all at once and thats ok. because things will be ok, despite what i think in my unrational moments or not.
8. i want to dance and forget whats worth forgetting.
Currently Watching: Dirty Dancing (Collector's Edition)
Posted 10/1/2005 11:18 PM
todays list of somethings:
1. i know next to nothing about the Dalai Lama. he is a very curious sort of person and i want to know about him. i only learned about 2 things today, and thats because i was asking so many questions that no one knew the answer to that someone went and looked up a really basic article for me about him. my curiousity is not appeased. its a very perplexing subject.
2. i think im getting excited about my story. although, it needs work.
im considering becoming a hermit.
3. theres a song that i can never figure out what the words are: its either
every morning, start over
or
let it go and start over.
and i dont know which one it is, but i dont suppose it really matters.
4. snooze is a word that does not look quite right to me.
5. a spontaneous poem that i wrote from ink.:
and His voice rang through the mountains,
the trees, the streams and the trickles through the forests,
the rivers at the bottom of the canyons
and with that, there was silence. after a moment,
in a different land, a temple crumbled, and houses
fell throughout the city at once--and it was then
that the echoes of the cries of God
and the cries of children that were caused
by God's cries and the sound of them mingled together
created a new sound, a sound that was heard
across the land, and then the people waited breathlessly.
6. my mind is a mess of everything, but eventually,
i will be stronger than this. and i am trying to and will pick and choose what im taking and what im leaving, instead of being told. i am not wrong all the time, you know.
and if you are a rational person, i hereby invite you to be my friend, and rub off on me all your rational thinking capabilities, because i get irrational a lot of sometimes.
and im mildly [terribly] curious about what will happen next, but im trying to remember that today has enough trouble of its own. "you cant start worrying about whats going to happen. you get spastic enough worrying about whats happening now." yes, thats true i think.
7. inevitably, whenever you dont take a shower, you see everyone that should be seen while looking your best. and when you look great, you dont see a soul.
ill take comfort that i always put on mascara.
i can surprise and annoy and love and hate and want differently for myself, all at once and thats ok. because things will be ok, despite what i think in my unrational moments or not.
8. i want to dance and forget whats worth forgetting.
Currently Watching: Dirty Dancing (Collector's Edition)
Posted 10/1/2005 11:18 PM
9.28.05
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
[its for when you dont know what to say, see, and i dont]
item 1:
my heavens, there are so many items to discuss, even though i have nothing to say, go figure. but i think i have to begin with the handbag, because thats why i am thinking in items today. but anyway, i feel like marypoppins, in one way, and in one way only. but a while back i splurged on this really wonderful handbag but it was for fall, so i havent really gotten to use it until about now. and i have pretty much been totally and completely impressed with it. not only is it pretty, and wonderful, but it also holds a boatload of stuff, without even looking bulgy, which is an accomplishment, let me tell you. but anyway, i feel like marypoppins, because i never know what can fit in my carpetbag, or what may come out of it, and its such a pretty carpetbag purse with a shiny red inside, and it makes me happy.
and last night, at the banquet i had my osopretty pearl-vintage purse.
and im still of the opinion that purse and shoes ought to match, and no white shoes after labor day. even though im not strictly from the south. and the purse and shoes didnt strictly match, but i used the purse anyway, cause i didnt have a better, or a prettier one.
item 2:
i want to know what i do in my sleep. cause last night, i was all dressed up fancy for scholarship banquet, and my makeup was done and all of this. but in the morning, my makeup was practically non-existent [and not because i washed it off, i usually fall asleep before that happens] and my hair was be a mess, even though all i did was lay on it, and i laid on it uncrumpled. so i want to know what i do in my sleep that makes me look gross, even if i go to bed looking pretty. because that thing happens all the time.
item 3:
speaking of pretty, when i get old, i want to wear heels and dresses still, and hats. and maybe ill get eye corrective surgury and so i wont have to wear bifocals or anything either. and also: i think ill wear whatever color of lipstick i want, because my hair will be white probably and that wont clash with anything like red does.
i want to die tired, but thats a hard thing to do, and i think im too tired right now to make it that far. seriously, i cant remember when ive been so sleepy. so im going to try eating and see how that works out for me. maybe it will help.
item 4:
no one actually has to be friends with me when im writing.
i wont be offended if you decide not to talk to me, i promisecrossmyheart.
[just tell me why you arent talking to me, so i know whether i should be offended or not. because if you decide not to talk to me for another reason, i might be sad.]
the other day i was flipping out about something i was working on and i was talking to my father and my best[?] friend seperately and i said: "see, i flip out. i cant write for a living when im grown up."
and they both said: "you are writing, and you are grown up.
scaryscaryscaryscaryscary. for several reasons, really.
and my mother told me to put more of my heart into something, but i told her i couldnt because i left it on page 38 of something i wrote last week.
and i need an editor too, in all the happiest senses of the word.
and also, i think i got a glimpse of sortof how it is to be a real writer. last week all i did was write and write and writewritewritewrite everyday for like hours. and it sucked. and i was a grumpy hungry sleepy mess. and i wrote 30 pages of grossness before i got to something decent and i had to drag the depths of my soul for the next words, just like they would drag the river for dead bodies back in the day. and i was hopinghoping to get something inspiring and beautiful out, but what i got out resembled a corpse, which figures. but i think i made it, but o, how it sucked.
i dont think i can be a writer when i grow up.
item 5:
i went salsa dancing this weeked, and it was muchly fun. i forget how much i love to dance, and i miss ballet too. and salsa just reminds me of the world and everything, and the sweaty lovely pain and beauty of the whole thing. its a very organic, dirty, sexy and realistic experience.
and i would just like to say that it was the first time ive been somewhere without the X on my hand. not that i go to those X places often, but im just saying. what a liberating experience that i did not take advantage of. although, i did dance with some latin men even. and a boy did buy me a drink at the bar, and nevermind it was only some water.
and last night i wore my green dress, and there is something sortof magical about wearing something wonderful like that. it really is a wonderful dress [one of those kind where you feel like audrey hepburn or marylin monroe for real], and im glad i bought it. and i wore heels, of course. ive been in heels a lot lately, because i always say that i want to wear them, but i hardly ever did. but this week i decided to suck it up and just wear them a whole lot. so i wore them dancing, and to church and to class and the banquet [i dont know why i keep calling it that, because i certainly didnt get any food there]. my feet hurt, but i guess it will be worth it. and i might have better legs.
sometimes, it helps things just to look pretty, and know it, as awful and arrogant as that sounds.
item[s] 6:
people are terribly surprising sometimes. i dont know what to think of it.
and im getting on my nerves. and some people are getting on my nerves, too. poor nerves.
and theres an impending debate, and i dont know what to say.
what if there were more seasons and more colors and more time and more days and more than we even know. thats crazy. thats like it would be crazy if our periphrial vision was more than it is right now--there would be so many things that we could see and that would be crazy.
and we had a mouse. and i almost moved out, but we caught it the next morning. and i am terribly glad and im terribly afraid of mice, nevermind that its [supposedly] a completely irrational fear. a girl is allowed to have an irrational fear every once in a while.
and i want to be inspired.
and im talking my head off.
and i proctored a test for the first time. i couldnt find the room and i was almost late.
and i have a story and im editing, la la la.
i am glad for old friends.
but i do not want to be merely put up with.
i like to let the sunshine and the night come in my room. i dont think my blinds have been open enough lately.
im worried that im a horrible person.
and im probably OCD.
and im sad that i never saw new orleans.
the song "what a friend we have in Jesus" is alwaysalways convicting. i need to pray more.
and that im missing out something or other, or that theres something drastically important that im forgetting, but i dont even know what.
item 7:
back in third grade when we thought that supercalifragilisticexpialidocious was the hardest word to spell in the whole world, or almost [who even knows what the hardest word to spell now is,] i always told all the other kids that i knew how to spell it. and they wouldnt believe me, but then i would do it for them, counting on the fact that none of them knew whether i was right or not. and it worked. and they thought i was smart.
but i am very smug right now that i actually did spell it right, according to real sources like dictionary.com, and the internet.
item 8:
[my notes from bobdole:]
[i know the girl whose grandmother was his tailor, until she died. so there.]
-- sometimes, counties have mayors, and i didnt know that.
-- you may be called to make sacrifices, so dont be surprised.
-- we used to have heroes, and you know, we probably still do.
-- take responsibility.
-- roll up your sleeves instead of twidiling your thumbs.
-- be flexible.
-- no use being a damn fool about things.
and i need to remember that, and stuff, i think.
Posted 9/28/2005 3:03 PM
[its for when you dont know what to say, see, and i dont]
item 1:
my heavens, there are so many items to discuss, even though i have nothing to say, go figure. but i think i have to begin with the handbag, because thats why i am thinking in items today. but anyway, i feel like marypoppins, in one way, and in one way only. but a while back i splurged on this really wonderful handbag but it was for fall, so i havent really gotten to use it until about now. and i have pretty much been totally and completely impressed with it. not only is it pretty, and wonderful, but it also holds a boatload of stuff, without even looking bulgy, which is an accomplishment, let me tell you. but anyway, i feel like marypoppins, because i never know what can fit in my carpetbag, or what may come out of it, and its such a pretty carpetbag purse with a shiny red inside, and it makes me happy.
and last night, at the banquet i had my osopretty pearl-vintage purse.
and im still of the opinion that purse and shoes ought to match, and no white shoes after labor day. even though im not strictly from the south. and the purse and shoes didnt strictly match, but i used the purse anyway, cause i didnt have a better, or a prettier one.
item 2:
i want to know what i do in my sleep. cause last night, i was all dressed up fancy for scholarship banquet, and my makeup was done and all of this. but in the morning, my makeup was practically non-existent [and not because i washed it off, i usually fall asleep before that happens] and my hair was be a mess, even though all i did was lay on it, and i laid on it uncrumpled. so i want to know what i do in my sleep that makes me look gross, even if i go to bed looking pretty. because that thing happens all the time.
item 3:
speaking of pretty, when i get old, i want to wear heels and dresses still, and hats. and maybe ill get eye corrective surgury and so i wont have to wear bifocals or anything either. and also: i think ill wear whatever color of lipstick i want, because my hair will be white probably and that wont clash with anything like red does.
i want to die tired, but thats a hard thing to do, and i think im too tired right now to make it that far. seriously, i cant remember when ive been so sleepy. so im going to try eating and see how that works out for me. maybe it will help.
item 4:
no one actually has to be friends with me when im writing.
i wont be offended if you decide not to talk to me, i promisecrossmyheart.
[just tell me why you arent talking to me, so i know whether i should be offended or not. because if you decide not to talk to me for another reason, i might be sad.]
the other day i was flipping out about something i was working on and i was talking to my father and my best[?] friend seperately and i said: "see, i flip out. i cant write for a living when im grown up."
and they both said: "you are writing, and you are grown up.
scaryscaryscaryscaryscary. for several reasons, really.
and my mother told me to put more of my heart into something, but i told her i couldnt because i left it on page 38 of something i wrote last week.
and i need an editor too, in all the happiest senses of the word.
and also, i think i got a glimpse of sortof how it is to be a real writer. last week all i did was write and write and writewritewritewrite everyday for like hours. and it sucked. and i was a grumpy hungry sleepy mess. and i wrote 30 pages of grossness before i got to something decent and i had to drag the depths of my soul for the next words, just like they would drag the river for dead bodies back in the day. and i was hopinghoping to get something inspiring and beautiful out, but what i got out resembled a corpse, which figures. but i think i made it, but o, how it sucked.
i dont think i can be a writer when i grow up.
item 5:
i went salsa dancing this weeked, and it was muchly fun. i forget how much i love to dance, and i miss ballet too. and salsa just reminds me of the world and everything, and the sweaty lovely pain and beauty of the whole thing. its a very organic, dirty, sexy and realistic experience.
and i would just like to say that it was the first time ive been somewhere without the X on my hand. not that i go to those X places often, but im just saying. what a liberating experience that i did not take advantage of. although, i did dance with some latin men even. and a boy did buy me a drink at the bar, and nevermind it was only some water.
and last night i wore my green dress, and there is something sortof magical about wearing something wonderful like that. it really is a wonderful dress [one of those kind where you feel like audrey hepburn or marylin monroe for real], and im glad i bought it. and i wore heels, of course. ive been in heels a lot lately, because i always say that i want to wear them, but i hardly ever did. but this week i decided to suck it up and just wear them a whole lot. so i wore them dancing, and to church and to class and the banquet [i dont know why i keep calling it that, because i certainly didnt get any food there]. my feet hurt, but i guess it will be worth it. and i might have better legs.
sometimes, it helps things just to look pretty, and know it, as awful and arrogant as that sounds.
item[s] 6:
people are terribly surprising sometimes. i dont know what to think of it.
and im getting on my nerves. and some people are getting on my nerves, too. poor nerves.
and theres an impending debate, and i dont know what to say.
what if there were more seasons and more colors and more time and more days and more than we even know. thats crazy. thats like it would be crazy if our periphrial vision was more than it is right now--there would be so many things that we could see and that would be crazy.
and we had a mouse. and i almost moved out, but we caught it the next morning. and i am terribly glad and im terribly afraid of mice, nevermind that its [supposedly] a completely irrational fear. a girl is allowed to have an irrational fear every once in a while.
and i want to be inspired.
and im talking my head off.
and i proctored a test for the first time. i couldnt find the room and i was almost late.
and i have a story and im editing, la la la.
i am glad for old friends.
but i do not want to be merely put up with.
i like to let the sunshine and the night come in my room. i dont think my blinds have been open enough lately.
im worried that im a horrible person.
and im probably OCD.
and im sad that i never saw new orleans.
the song "what a friend we have in Jesus" is alwaysalways convicting. i need to pray more.
and that im missing out something or other, or that theres something drastically important that im forgetting, but i dont even know what.
item 7:
back in third grade when we thought that supercalifragilisticexpialidocious was the hardest word to spell in the whole world, or almost [who even knows what the hardest word to spell now is,] i always told all the other kids that i knew how to spell it. and they wouldnt believe me, but then i would do it for them, counting on the fact that none of them knew whether i was right or not. and it worked. and they thought i was smart.
but i am very smug right now that i actually did spell it right, according to real sources like dictionary.com, and the internet.
item 8:
[my notes from bobdole:]
[i know the girl whose grandmother was his tailor, until she died. so there.]
-- sometimes, counties have mayors, and i didnt know that.
-- you may be called to make sacrifices, so dont be surprised.
-- we used to have heroes, and you know, we probably still do.
-- take responsibility.
-- roll up your sleeves instead of twidiling your thumbs.
-- be flexible.
-- no use being a damn fool about things.
and i need to remember that, and stuff, i think.
Posted 9/28/2005 3:03 PM
::: a short history of the shoes :::
october 2003:
she and i buy some matching shoes at walmart for $5. i love them. they are wonderful and quickly become my favorites.
march 15, 2005:
"glued up my favoritest shoes today, hoping they will hold out a bit longer. and yesterday, i ducktaped the bottoms, just for i dont know why. i swear, if my shoes decided to die sometime soon, i think i would just completely lose it and there might be no recovery. and im not even kidding."
and i start looking at every walmart i go through to see if maybemaybe they have some more of my shoes [because i got them at walmart for 5 dollars.] no luck.
may 2005:
i decide my shoes have just about had it. i decide to onlyonly wear them when it is absolutely necessary to look hott, or in other extreme emergencies.
june 2005:
have re-applied the duct tape about twice, just to reinforce. also, once i think i did packing tape, cause i couldnt find the ducttape.
july 2005
still looking at walmarts, but have begun to look around for other shoes too, because i have given up hope of finding my exact kind, and i refuse to buy real converses.
august 2005
gave up hope of finding anything similar. decide i will steal brendas; remember that they are too small. look everywhere for some tennis shoes. cant find any that i like, and if i do like them, they probably cost 184793 dollars. i dont buy those kind.
september 16, 2005:
go to target with roommates. find reallyreally similar shoes to my old ones, and for ten dollars. i try them on, i think they fit, i think im happy. i think about it for a minute. i decide to purchase them. i decide i am thrilled. i get home and try them on with socks and jeans to make sure i am really thrilled. and i am.
i have some hotfudgesundae to celebrate.
september 17, 2005:
spend all day walking around in all the cleanish dirt i can find so they dont look like absolutely new shoes. sortof new is ok, absolutely new isnt. muchly hurrah.
except for i had also just found some other shoes that i really liked for 24 dollars, which is alright, but i couldnt decide what color: blue or tan, and so i was waiting, but now i have other shoes, but i still kindof want some blue or tan ones. hrm. maybe thats overexcessive, or overcompensating? maybe i should get them anyway? i dont know.
the quote of the day said: "if the shoe fits, ask for them in a different color, too." so maybe.
***
"can you talk a little louder? i dont think my heart is broken enough.
but someday we'll ill be old and ill be so * beautiful."
mhmm and maybehopefully.
and:
"there is actually a very good chance that i am certifiably crazy."
more about this later.
Posted 9/18/2005 1:47 AM
she and i buy some matching shoes at walmart for $5. i love them. they are wonderful and quickly become my favorites.
march 15, 2005:
"glued up my favoritest shoes today, hoping they will hold out a bit longer. and yesterday, i ducktaped the bottoms, just for i dont know why. i swear, if my shoes decided to die sometime soon, i think i would just completely lose it and there might be no recovery. and im not even kidding."
and i start looking at every walmart i go through to see if maybemaybe they have some more of my shoes [because i got them at walmart for 5 dollars.] no luck.
may 2005:
i decide my shoes have just about had it. i decide to onlyonly wear them when it is absolutely necessary to look hott, or in other extreme emergencies.
june 2005:
have re-applied the duct tape about twice, just to reinforce. also, once i think i did packing tape, cause i couldnt find the ducttape.
july 2005
still looking at walmarts, but have begun to look around for other shoes too, because i have given up hope of finding my exact kind, and i refuse to buy real converses.
august 2005
gave up hope of finding anything similar. decide i will steal brendas; remember that they are too small. look everywhere for some tennis shoes. cant find any that i like, and if i do like them, they probably cost 184793 dollars. i dont buy those kind.
september 16, 2005:
go to target with roommates. find reallyreally similar shoes to my old ones, and for ten dollars. i try them on, i think they fit, i think im happy. i think about it for a minute. i decide to purchase them. i decide i am thrilled. i get home and try them on with socks and jeans to make sure i am really thrilled. and i am.
i have some hotfudgesundae to celebrate.
september 17, 2005:
spend all day walking around in all the cleanish dirt i can find so they dont look like absolutely new shoes. sortof new is ok, absolutely new isnt. muchly hurrah.
except for i had also just found some other shoes that i really liked for 24 dollars, which is alright, but i couldnt decide what color: blue or tan, and so i was waiting, but now i have other shoes, but i still kindof want some blue or tan ones. hrm. maybe thats overexcessive, or overcompensating? maybe i should get them anyway? i dont know.
the quote of the day said: "if the shoe fits, ask for them in a different color, too." so maybe.
***
"can you talk a little louder? i dont think my heart is broken enough.
but someday we'll ill be old and ill be so * beautiful."
mhmm and maybehopefully.
and:
"there is actually a very good chance that i am certifiably crazy."
more about this later.
Posted 9/18/2005 1:47 AM
[ first drafts ]
i resolved not to get up and go to bed until i had written something, cause i desperately want to, but cant. you know. im all in this writing mode [because of our beloved, successful, and beautiful ink. yes, we feel like mothers. yes, we are thrilled. i cant even tell you.] but nothing--nothing--will come out. so i resolved not to sleep until i wrote something, so i do everything else instead of writing something or anything while i sit here. boo.
so i cheated and this was a part of those [semi-dreaded] 10pages. but i did edit it one smidgin or two, so its sortof better than before, sortof.
and everything is just so wrong in the world and i wonder how i can suck at life so much. yesterday i didn’t suck at life, well, maybe i did but definately on the day before I showed considerable promise of turning into something profound and romantic, in the bigger sense of the word. and this being stupid at life business just snuck up on me, and so i get in the car because listening to music and driving is always nearly the best thing to do in cases like these, and get on the highway and think to yourself that 65 is not nearly fast enough. and you inch closer to 75 and it feels better. and you flip on the radio and a hideous song comes on and then you flip flip flip through all the stations and nothing is on. you have Delilah, and country, and rap [not the good kind either] and talk shows and you flip through again and you stop on something that sounds like 70s music. and i think to myself that the 70s were as generally stupid just as right now is generally stupid. so i stop and hum along to “ive got soul, but im no soldier” and realize two things: that maybe the 70s really were(nt?) as bad as i always thought, and 2) maybe things will be just as stupid tomorrow. but maybe not, but maybe.
so thats the end of that.
but im being contradictory, so ill keep going.
ive been thinkingthinkingthinking. but i dont know how thats going. and ive been sleepy and hugry. and contradictory. and busy. and this and that and lots more. and when i was typing "lots" i accidentally typed "lost" and im probably that too. ive been everything, let me tell you.
o dear. i dont even know what deserves an o dear at this point, im sure everything does. so: o dear.
and ill write more tomorrow. i can let myself sleep now, i wrote something. and thats the important thing.
i just keep repeating to myself " shitty first drafts. shitty first drafts are okay." over and over. i dont know if it helps yet.
more to say, but not now. much more, im afraid. ive been talking my head off.
you know.
currently playing: one hand in my pocket
Posted 9/15/2005 1:08 AM -
so i cheated and this was a part of those [semi-dreaded] 10pages. but i did edit it one smidgin or two, so its sortof better than before, sortof.
and everything is just so wrong in the world and i wonder how i can suck at life so much. yesterday i didn’t suck at life, well, maybe i did but definately on the day before I showed considerable promise of turning into something profound and romantic, in the bigger sense of the word. and this being stupid at life business just snuck up on me, and so i get in the car because listening to music and driving is always nearly the best thing to do in cases like these, and get on the highway and think to yourself that 65 is not nearly fast enough. and you inch closer to 75 and it feels better. and you flip on the radio and a hideous song comes on and then you flip flip flip through all the stations and nothing is on. you have Delilah, and country, and rap [not the good kind either] and talk shows and you flip through again and you stop on something that sounds like 70s music. and i think to myself that the 70s were as generally stupid just as right now is generally stupid. so i stop and hum along to “ive got soul, but im no soldier” and realize two things: that maybe the 70s really were(nt?) as bad as i always thought, and 2) maybe things will be just as stupid tomorrow. but maybe not, but maybe.
so thats the end of that.
but im being contradictory, so ill keep going.
ive been thinkingthinkingthinking. but i dont know how thats going. and ive been sleepy and hugry. and contradictory. and busy. and this and that and lots more. and when i was typing "lots" i accidentally typed "lost" and im probably that too. ive been everything, let me tell you.
o dear. i dont even know what deserves an o dear at this point, im sure everything does. so: o dear.
and ill write more tomorrow. i can let myself sleep now, i wrote something. and thats the important thing.
i just keep repeating to myself " shitty first drafts. shitty first drafts are okay." over and over. i dont know if it helps yet.
more to say, but not now. much more, im afraid. ive been talking my head off.
you know.
currently playing: one hand in my pocket
Posted 9/15/2005 1:08 AM -
post-it notes are people, too.
//this is my [first] editorial [ever] [but hopefully ill do it again next time maybe]. i even get a picture. this makes me sortof excited. except its sortof better here than it is in the paper, because of space. this makes me sortof sad, but o well. still excited about the picture.//
Post-it notes are people, too
I'm probably the most complex, beautiful and interesting person on this campus. Well, maybe on the whole planet.
And so is everyone else.
Yes, I'm pretty sure that we all think that we are all that and some free chips (and some of that really good queso dip from Los Portales). The tricky part is that when we think so nicely about ourselves, we forget to have time to think at all about other people.
I am a busy girl, or maybe just unobservant, so I rarely, if ever, make time to watch TV, and this means I hardly ever know exactly what is happening in the world. So (embarrassingly enough) by the time I figured out what Hurricane Katrina was, it was merely that pesky rain on move-in day. But, then I saw some pictures of the complete destruction that was caused, and suddenly, Katrina was more than all my stuff getting wet when I moved in.
Two days ago, I was looking at the bullitan boards at West Jackson. People were looking for jobs, places to stay and people they left behind. On one blue Post-It note someone was looking for eight people, who seemed to be from one family: Adrian, Tamika, Henry, Melvin, Hope, Lillie, Andrell and Emily. Those are just names. But the moment I stopped to think about them as real, live, breathing, people, they were just that. They were a family. Lillie just lost her first tooth. Henry is saving up for a new video game. Emily's boyfriend just broke up with her. Melvin graduated last spring and is still job-hunting. And I am making all of that up, but the point is: people are more than names or positions or situations or groups or ideals.
How interesting to think that God (that same God who is watching over the whole universe, by the by) does not think of us as names on some Post-it notes taped here and there. He knows that we just got a paper cut that hurts a whole lot, and he knows that we're worried about this and that and the other.
And because he is, we should be too. We ought to be the most genuinely interested-in-others sort of people around. Maybe if we took half a second and learned the names (etc. etc.) of our next-door neighbors, classmates or whomever, it might be easier to invite them over for some chips and that really good queso dip. You never know.
Posted 9/6/2005 5:29 PM
Post-it notes are people, too
I'm probably the most complex, beautiful and interesting person on this campus. Well, maybe on the whole planet.
And so is everyone else.
Yes, I'm pretty sure that we all think that we are all that and some free chips (and some of that really good queso dip from Los Portales). The tricky part is that when we think so nicely about ourselves, we forget to have time to think at all about other people.
I am a busy girl, or maybe just unobservant, so I rarely, if ever, make time to watch TV, and this means I hardly ever know exactly what is happening in the world. So (embarrassingly enough) by the time I figured out what Hurricane Katrina was, it was merely that pesky rain on move-in day. But, then I saw some pictures of the complete destruction that was caused, and suddenly, Katrina was more than all my stuff getting wet when I moved in.
Two days ago, I was looking at the bullitan boards at West Jackson. People were looking for jobs, places to stay and people they left behind. On one blue Post-It note someone was looking for eight people, who seemed to be from one family: Adrian, Tamika, Henry, Melvin, Hope, Lillie, Andrell and Emily. Those are just names. But the moment I stopped to think about them as real, live, breathing, people, they were just that. They were a family. Lillie just lost her first tooth. Henry is saving up for a new video game. Emily's boyfriend just broke up with her. Melvin graduated last spring and is still job-hunting. And I am making all of that up, but the point is: people are more than names or positions or situations or groups or ideals.
How interesting to think that God (that same God who is watching over the whole universe, by the by) does not think of us as names on some Post-it notes taped here and there. He knows that we just got a paper cut that hurts a whole lot, and he knows that we're worried about this and that and the other.
And because he is, we should be too. We ought to be the most genuinely interested-in-others sort of people around. Maybe if we took half a second and learned the names (etc. etc.) of our next-door neighbors, classmates or whomever, it might be easier to invite them over for some chips and that really good queso dip. You never know.
Posted 9/6/2005 5:29 PM
this side
aside: today i got electrocuted. but i think im alright.?
and im an artist [!] pictures forthcoming. hoorayhooray. [---and here they are.] end aside.
such a lot of things to think about, so i just havent. that makes me sad, during the summer i would just thinkandthinkandthinkandthink all day. even when i was at work, i would thinkthinkthink, cause i could but i cant do that at work here--its too pressure-y. i dont know about work yet. but errg. i like to think, or maybe i dont like it that much, sometimes, but i miss it anyway. its more stressful than i thought, and i dont like that one bit. but i guess ill be alright, cause my goal this semester is to be responsible. ooh. and diligent. ooopfh. my roommates are responsible [but i never knew such responsible people and neighbors could have such a muchly fun and wonderful times all the time :D ], and i think its rubbing off on me. [if by "rubbing off on me" you mean not at all] so anyway, i havent had time to think or write or anything, and im not sure i can now either, cause its all in a mess up in my head. i guess the thing to do is to realize that i am thinking even when im actually not taking the time to think. and the funny thing about when i think is that it doesnt seem like real thinking, or what i would have thought that thinking should be. my thinking is more like caffine and sleeping pills put together:
messstuffmessmessstuffstuffstuffmess ah ha! an idea. maybe. messmessmessmess about the idea and then finally i can do something about it.
[everything is so weird because its completely normal and just how it should be,--for example im sitting in the DMS lab [but without him] so i could write cause i cant do it in my room, apparently and im listening to sexy music with my neighbor because i simply couldnotcouldnot write in my room-- but at the same time its still totally different than the normal i got used to last time around. things like this throw me off. ive even been soo tired, even though we havent even done anything yet. and apparently im talking in strings of words lately. acutally, ive probably always done that because i am boring and superpredictable. i feel like i should do something different every once in a while at least. its ridiculous. it really is.
and then i catch glimpses of things about the hurricane. and goodness, that word has an E on the end of it. ive read about 8 blogs that have forgotten that it has an E [because i rarely, if ever, watch TV when im at school, so the internet is my main form of information, which i suppose is sortof sad. and do forgive me for being so ridiculously picky at such a time, but still.maybe i should make a point of watching the news once a week or something.] but its so depressing--cause i feel so caught up in my petty whateverness. and i want to be bigger than that. for example: i was at walmart getting some milk and whatever and i ran into a girl that i hardly even know and she was like "oh, are you shopping for the hurricane victims?" and i wasnt, and i do intend to help where i can and all, but i am irritated that i was made to feel bad for shopping for a few groceries. i dont know. maybe i should feel worse than i do. i dont know. i dont know.
i appreciate things that offer me a bigger glimpse of the world. i think that will happen this semester--at least with some things--, and thats just [or some of] what i need, but i need to take my time in soaking it in. i dont like to be rushed--slow is osogood. i want to take my time and only rush when i want to. and i love churches and people and classes and profs and friends who help you do this. one of the questions that i always want to know about is "how." i want to know how to do things. i was at a church and the preacher said this [and it was baptist church so he said it about 8 times in a row] "ya'll just need to fall in love with Jesus." and yes, im rather sure hes right. be he offered no reasoning to do so. and in my natural state im certainly not inclined to do so--i need to be reminded as to why im pursuing such a seemingly vague thing as "falling in love". i want to know how. and why. and what. and when. and where. maybe i should just be able to figure it out for myself? i dont know.
[ :" not quite young anymore, but not old either; a little breathless, very beautiful, maybe a little stupid, maybe a lot smarter than she seemed. and she was looking for something--i think she wanted to be good. she was funny and sexy--and she was vulnerable too."
--page four hundred and thirty]
and goodness, i certainly dont know what i am. im a mess probably; maybe i am those things. but i have decided upon two things: 1) i feel small and 2) i dont want to be ugly when i grow up.
and i mean that in the most superficial and the deepest way possible, and also in neither of those ways. well, i dont really know what i mean. you know.
"There’s no place to hide
And I’m nothing but scared.
You dream of colors that have never been made,
You imagine songs that have never been played.
They will try to buy you and your mind.
Only the curious have something to find.
Entrance is crucial and it’s not without pain.
There’s no path to follow, once you’re here.
You’ll climb up the slide and then you’ll slide down the stairs.
It’s foreign on this side,
But it feels like I’m home again.
There’s no place to hide
But I don’t think I’m scared."
[but maybe i am? i dont even know.]
Posted 9/5/2005 4:12 PM -
and im an artist [!] pictures forthcoming. hoorayhooray. [---and here they are.] end aside.
such a lot of things to think about, so i just havent. that makes me sad, during the summer i would just thinkandthinkandthinkandthink all day. even when i was at work, i would thinkthinkthink, cause i could but i cant do that at work here--its too pressure-y. i dont know about work yet. but errg. i like to think, or maybe i dont like it that much, sometimes, but i miss it anyway. its more stressful than i thought, and i dont like that one bit. but i guess ill be alright, cause my goal this semester is to be responsible. ooh. and diligent. ooopfh. my roommates are responsible [but i never knew such responsible people and neighbors could have such a muchly fun and wonderful times all the time :D ], and i think its rubbing off on me. [if by "rubbing off on me" you mean not at all] so anyway, i havent had time to think or write or anything, and im not sure i can now either, cause its all in a mess up in my head. i guess the thing to do is to realize that i am thinking even when im actually not taking the time to think. and the funny thing about when i think is that it doesnt seem like real thinking, or what i would have thought that thinking should be. my thinking is more like caffine and sleeping pills put together:
messstuffmessmessstuffstuffstuffmess ah ha! an idea. maybe. messmessmessmess about the idea and then finally i can do something about it.
[everything is so weird because its completely normal and just how it should be,--for example im sitting in the DMS lab [but without him] so i could write cause i cant do it in my room, apparently and im listening to sexy music with my neighbor because i simply couldnotcouldnot write in my room-- but at the same time its still totally different than the normal i got used to last time around. things like this throw me off. ive even been soo tired, even though we havent even done anything yet. and apparently im talking in strings of words lately. acutally, ive probably always done that because i am boring and superpredictable. i feel like i should do something different every once in a while at least. its ridiculous. it really is.
and then i catch glimpses of things about the hurricane. and goodness, that word has an E on the end of it. ive read about 8 blogs that have forgotten that it has an E [because i rarely, if ever, watch TV when im at school, so the internet is my main form of information, which i suppose is sortof sad. and do forgive me for being so ridiculously picky at such a time, but still.maybe i should make a point of watching the news once a week or something.] but its so depressing--cause i feel so caught up in my petty whateverness. and i want to be bigger than that. for example: i was at walmart getting some milk and whatever and i ran into a girl that i hardly even know and she was like "oh, are you shopping for the hurricane victims?" and i wasnt, and i do intend to help where i can and all, but i am irritated that i was made to feel bad for shopping for a few groceries. i dont know. maybe i should feel worse than i do. i dont know. i dont know.
i appreciate things that offer me a bigger glimpse of the world. i think that will happen this semester--at least with some things--, and thats just [or some of] what i need, but i need to take my time in soaking it in. i dont like to be rushed--slow is osogood. i want to take my time and only rush when i want to. and i love churches and people and classes and profs and friends who help you do this. one of the questions that i always want to know about is "how." i want to know how to do things. i was at a church and the preacher said this [and it was baptist church so he said it about 8 times in a row] "ya'll just need to fall in love with Jesus." and yes, im rather sure hes right. be he offered no reasoning to do so. and in my natural state im certainly not inclined to do so--i need to be reminded as to why im pursuing such a seemingly vague thing as "falling in love". i want to know how. and why. and what. and when. and where. maybe i should just be able to figure it out for myself? i dont know.
[ :" not quite young anymore, but not old either; a little breathless, very beautiful, maybe a little stupid, maybe a lot smarter than she seemed. and she was looking for something--i think she wanted to be good. she was funny and sexy--and she was vulnerable too."
--page four hundred and thirty]
and goodness, i certainly dont know what i am. im a mess probably; maybe i am those things. but i have decided upon two things: 1) i feel small and 2) i dont want to be ugly when i grow up.
and i mean that in the most superficial and the deepest way possible, and also in neither of those ways. well, i dont really know what i mean. you know.
"There’s no place to hide
And I’m nothing but scared.
You dream of colors that have never been made,
You imagine songs that have never been played.
They will try to buy you and your mind.
Only the curious have something to find.
Entrance is crucial and it’s not without pain.
There’s no path to follow, once you’re here.
You’ll climb up the slide and then you’ll slide down the stairs.
It’s foreign on this side,
But it feels like I’m home again.
There’s no place to hide
But I don’t think I’m scared."
[but maybe i am? i dont even know.]
Posted 9/5/2005 4:12 PM -
// [some of] the adventures that i had and i didnt even make any of it up //
so, ive decided that my method of packing is a bit more effective than the usual manner. see, usually i just somehow or other stick all my stuff in my car in some way or other, and it works. well, my parents made me put everything in boxes and stuff, and daddy does a good job packing but we were sortof afraid that it wouldnt fit. it was going to be rather problematic, and i was already running late already [but only 2 hours late, which isnt that bad, but still. i needed to go because i had to stay with these people and they are old, so i had to get there before they went to bed. but anyway.] and i didnt have time to re-do everything. but then it fit, but i couldnt really see, but o well. but then when i got here, i rearranged things as i was looking for my shoes and now its not quite as organized, but what do you know i can see out the back window, which is good. and i use that back window a lot.
while i was driving, i didnt get lost, which was an enjoyable phenomenon. and i stopped for gas at this ghetto gas station, but i just got donuts instead. they cost $2.08 or somthing, and i just brought two dollars cause i didnt think donuts should cost anymore than that, but the lady told me to just bring the eight cents to her next time instead of trying to actually find 8 cents in my hugely overstuffed car. she was very nice to me. and today i did get lost so i stopped for directions at this church that had construction going on [apparently construction workers are as good for directions as pizza boys are] and they told me so nicely, and i told them that i would try to find it, and they said i couldnt miss it, but i said, "well, you would be surprised.": but that sweet old guy was like, "nah, you look smart, and youre not even a blonde, so you'll make it." he made me happy. [he also told me this whole long story about this stoplight and all the things that had happened to it in the history of this town. he really did, i promise. and then when my sister and i were at that light later i started telling her all of the things i learned about that intersection from the man and she doesnt believe me, she thought i made it up. but i didnt. i promisecrossmyheart. also today i went to this class, adolescent lit, which was very enjoyable, and apparently its a "party every day" and i learned that Sting used to be an english teacher before he was a rock star, and he said that basically the two jobs accomplished the same things. im not sure how he got that, but whatever, yo.] and he sortof reminded me of the guy at walmart the other night. i was at my ghetto walmart late at night, after i spent an entirely wonderful dinner with my friend [more about that later] and then church for a while, and i was getting all things last minute and i could not find about 3 things that i absolutely needed, and so after surveying the available walmart employees that i might question to find the stuff, i just picked this guy. and he showed me [efficiently, too, i might add. half the time you ask someone at walmart where something is, they are just as lost as you are and you end up wondering around together. then, finally, you spot it yourself and they were like yeah, i totally knew where that was. riiiiiiight. anyway.] so he shows me where the stuff is and asked if there was anything else i needed help with and then--i kid you not--he bowed. it was really crazy, but kind of sweet? or something.
in the car on the way up here i was listening to nicholas nickelby cause i have never read it and thats a book that one ought to read, but never does. so i was listening to it, and i heard the best quote:
"bother. i suppose im thinking like a lover now, or perhaps rather like an ass, which, i suppose, is rather nealy pretty much the same thing."
i laughed about that one. and there was this one other spot where this guy said d***it like 26 times in a row, which was really weird cause dickens doesnt curse that much in his books, from the little bit ive read of him. but it was prettyfunny cause it was this random guy who wasnt even in the story all that much, and it wasnt even about anything that important. sortof like that stephen dunn poem with the one bad word used completely legitamately 17 times in one poem. sortof awful, sortof halirious.
but so anyway, i was listening to it, and then all of a sudden i ran out of tapes, and the story hadnt ended yet. so it was very perplexing and i was looking and looking for another tape or something that said on the box "hello, this is a book on tape that only will read the first 2/3 of the book" or something, but no such luck, so i wondered all day what on earth happened in the last part but then i went to the library after class, and i had a difficult time finding dickens, but then i did and then i read the end. it was pretty good. it did rather reinforce my idea that you can, at least in part, know something about men by their names, as they generally live up to their names. i dont know if girls do the same thing, im sure some do, but i dont know. for example. i always thought the name ralph belongs to an animal rather like a snake. therefore, it was no surprise to me when my friend had a very bad boyfriend by the name of ralph. duh. you dont expect a guy named ralph to be a very good boyfriend. and my deepest apologies to anyone named ralph who is not a bad boyfriend. you are the exception to the rule, let me assure you. but one of the more unlikeable characters in the book was named ralph, and this is why i thought of it.
but it was alright because by the time i ran out of tapes was about the time where i got to where i was supposed to be. and then i had to go and stay with the people. these people are these people that we know from our old town, and they used to go to our church and stuff, and she was even our art teacher in elementary, but 1) i dont really remember them. i was like 8 when they moved away. 2) staying with them with my parents is one thing, but by myself is quite another. 3) i had more than a few hesitations about staying with them based on what i remembered. so all in all, i was not looking forward to being there. and i was already feeling bad about getting there so late and them being old and tired and stuff [they actually were younger than i thought they would be, but they are probably 60 or so. old enough to be tired at 1030. so i get there, and they are pretty nice and stuff so im feeling better. but their house is like super nice, and everything, so i already have the feeling that i might break something every second i turn around. and they put me in this super antique bedroom. and i like antiques, but they feel very likely to break to me. i parked on the street, but they told me that i should move my car up onto the driveway since i have all my stuff [on one hand, i like having all my stuff in my car. it makes me feel cozy, and rather like a snail. on the other, i feel very concerned, because if someone happened to manage to steal my car, i would have realatively nothing that i like a whole lot left. and i dislike losing things i like veryvery much, even though sometimes it keeps happening to me.] and so when we were going to bed, i said that i was going to go move my car to the driveway, and i thought they heard me, and i wasnt out there for very long. but when i got back to the front door, the door was locked, and i was lockedfreakingout. so i begin to panic. i knocked first. no answer. i ring the doorbell, but so quick that i wasnt acutally sure that it rang. but i waited and contemplated what on earth i should do. my phone was inside. i was sure i didnt know the way back to campus, and if i left, how would i ever get my stuff back? i think i was starting to panic. i rang the doorbell again, and i made sure i pushed the button long and hard enough. and then i
w a i t e d .
and nothing happened.
and so after what seemed to be a osoverylong and horrible [what if i have to sleep on the porch?] time, i rang it again, and i was reallyreallyreally worried by now, and finally he came to answer it and it was in his pajamas so it was embarrassing and i apologized and it was awful, but he was nice. i just went upstairs to call my mother, and she just laughed at me. o did she laugh. and i laughed too, i admit. but she really did.
and then i didnt even sleep well, nor as late as i planned, but thankfully, joy comes in the morning and i left as unassumingly as possibly. thankfully, they were out and about.
so then today, i ate my sisters cookies, and almost took a nap, and bought an awesome vintage purse, and some clothes, and dinner, and we got hotfudge, watched emma which is very funny [ this reminds me that books like that--like jane eyre, and emma, and wuthering heights and pride and prejudice--are practically the most romantic things ever and i was talking to this boy and apparently he read somewhere that the only thing that you really need to attract a girl is a copy and some working knowledge of pride and prejudice--which is a very funny. im not sure that its true, actually, but its not untrue either, so there you go. they are rather wonderful books, and wonderful in the best possible way. modern romance novels have nothing on them.] [beauty is found in unexpected places, you know.] [speaking of beauty, can we please go to wafflehouse?! i miss it desperately.] and now im sleepy and my toes are cold and i am here and you are there, and this is this and that, that, and all is well, i think. well, its possible, and maybe likely. well, i dont even know what im talking about, probably. probably it isnt. well, maybe. i dont know, yes. yes, i think so. indeed.
Posted 8/26/2005 2:01 PM
while i was driving, i didnt get lost, which was an enjoyable phenomenon. and i stopped for gas at this ghetto gas station, but i just got donuts instead. they cost $2.08 or somthing, and i just brought two dollars cause i didnt think donuts should cost anymore than that, but the lady told me to just bring the eight cents to her next time instead of trying to actually find 8 cents in my hugely overstuffed car. she was very nice to me. and today i did get lost so i stopped for directions at this church that had construction going on [apparently construction workers are as good for directions as pizza boys are] and they told me so nicely, and i told them that i would try to find it, and they said i couldnt miss it, but i said, "well, you would be surprised.": but that sweet old guy was like, "nah, you look smart, and youre not even a blonde, so you'll make it." he made me happy. [he also told me this whole long story about this stoplight and all the things that had happened to it in the history of this town. he really did, i promise. and then when my sister and i were at that light later i started telling her all of the things i learned about that intersection from the man and she doesnt believe me, she thought i made it up. but i didnt. i promisecrossmyheart. also today i went to this class, adolescent lit, which was very enjoyable, and apparently its a "party every day" and i learned that Sting used to be an english teacher before he was a rock star, and he said that basically the two jobs accomplished the same things. im not sure how he got that, but whatever, yo.] and he sortof reminded me of the guy at walmart the other night. i was at my ghetto walmart late at night, after i spent an entirely wonderful dinner with my friend [more about that later] and then church for a while, and i was getting all things last minute and i could not find about 3 things that i absolutely needed, and so after surveying the available walmart employees that i might question to find the stuff, i just picked this guy. and he showed me [efficiently, too, i might add. half the time you ask someone at walmart where something is, they are just as lost as you are and you end up wondering around together. then, finally, you spot it yourself and they were like yeah, i totally knew where that was. riiiiiiight. anyway.] so he shows me where the stuff is and asked if there was anything else i needed help with and then--i kid you not--he bowed. it was really crazy, but kind of sweet? or something.
in the car on the way up here i was listening to nicholas nickelby cause i have never read it and thats a book that one ought to read, but never does. so i was listening to it, and i heard the best quote:
"bother. i suppose im thinking like a lover now, or perhaps rather like an ass, which, i suppose, is rather nealy pretty much the same thing."
i laughed about that one. and there was this one other spot where this guy said d***it like 26 times in a row, which was really weird cause dickens doesnt curse that much in his books, from the little bit ive read of him. but it was prettyfunny cause it was this random guy who wasnt even in the story all that much, and it wasnt even about anything that important. sortof like that stephen dunn poem with the one bad word used completely legitamately 17 times in one poem. sortof awful, sortof halirious.
but so anyway, i was listening to it, and then all of a sudden i ran out of tapes, and the story hadnt ended yet. so it was very perplexing and i was looking and looking for another tape or something that said on the box "hello, this is a book on tape that only will read the first 2/3 of the book" or something, but no such luck, so i wondered all day what on earth happened in the last part but then i went to the library after class, and i had a difficult time finding dickens, but then i did and then i read the end. it was pretty good. it did rather reinforce my idea that you can, at least in part, know something about men by their names, as they generally live up to their names. i dont know if girls do the same thing, im sure some do, but i dont know. for example. i always thought the name ralph belongs to an animal rather like a snake. therefore, it was no surprise to me when my friend had a very bad boyfriend by the name of ralph. duh. you dont expect a guy named ralph to be a very good boyfriend. and my deepest apologies to anyone named ralph who is not a bad boyfriend. you are the exception to the rule, let me assure you. but one of the more unlikeable characters in the book was named ralph, and this is why i thought of it.
but it was alright because by the time i ran out of tapes was about the time where i got to where i was supposed to be. and then i had to go and stay with the people. these people are these people that we know from our old town, and they used to go to our church and stuff, and she was even our art teacher in elementary, but 1) i dont really remember them. i was like 8 when they moved away. 2) staying with them with my parents is one thing, but by myself is quite another. 3) i had more than a few hesitations about staying with them based on what i remembered. so all in all, i was not looking forward to being there. and i was already feeling bad about getting there so late and them being old and tired and stuff [they actually were younger than i thought they would be, but they are probably 60 or so. old enough to be tired at 1030. so i get there, and they are pretty nice and stuff so im feeling better. but their house is like super nice, and everything, so i already have the feeling that i might break something every second i turn around. and they put me in this super antique bedroom. and i like antiques, but they feel very likely to break to me. i parked on the street, but they told me that i should move my car up onto the driveway since i have all my stuff [on one hand, i like having all my stuff in my car. it makes me feel cozy, and rather like a snail. on the other, i feel very concerned, because if someone happened to manage to steal my car, i would have realatively nothing that i like a whole lot left. and i dislike losing things i like veryvery much, even though sometimes it keeps happening to me.] and so when we were going to bed, i said that i was going to go move my car to the driveway, and i thought they heard me, and i wasnt out there for very long. but when i got back to the front door, the door was locked, and i was lockedfreakingout. so i begin to panic. i knocked first. no answer. i ring the doorbell, but so quick that i wasnt acutally sure that it rang. but i waited and contemplated what on earth i should do. my phone was inside. i was sure i didnt know the way back to campus, and if i left, how would i ever get my stuff back? i think i was starting to panic. i rang the doorbell again, and i made sure i pushed the button long and hard enough. and then i
w a i t e d .
and nothing happened.
and so after what seemed to be a osoverylong and horrible [what if i have to sleep on the porch?] time, i rang it again, and i was reallyreallyreally worried by now, and finally he came to answer it and it was in his pajamas so it was embarrassing and i apologized and it was awful, but he was nice. i just went upstairs to call my mother, and she just laughed at me. o did she laugh. and i laughed too, i admit. but she really did.
and then i didnt even sleep well, nor as late as i planned, but thankfully, joy comes in the morning and i left as unassumingly as possibly. thankfully, they were out and about.
so then today, i ate my sisters cookies, and almost took a nap, and bought an awesome vintage purse, and some clothes, and dinner, and we got hotfudge, watched emma which is very funny [ this reminds me that books like that--like jane eyre, and emma, and wuthering heights and pride and prejudice--are practically the most romantic things ever and i was talking to this boy and apparently he read somewhere that the only thing that you really need to attract a girl is a copy and some working knowledge of pride and prejudice--which is a very funny. im not sure that its true, actually, but its not untrue either, so there you go. they are rather wonderful books, and wonderful in the best possible way. modern romance novels have nothing on them.] [beauty is found in unexpected places, you know.] [speaking of beauty, can we please go to wafflehouse?! i miss it desperately.] and now im sleepy and my toes are cold and i am here and you are there, and this is this and that, that, and all is well, i think. well, its possible, and maybe likely. well, i dont even know what im talking about, probably. probably it isnt. well, maybe. i dont know, yes. yes, i think so. indeed.
Posted 8/26/2005 2:01 PM
(this will do. (for now))
this will do for now:
[my apologies if youve seen it, or some of it, before. some of it i wrote new. but packing turns my brain to mush, and i hyperventalate, so i cant write anything new much, even though i want to. but my policy, as of today, i guess, is to try and not do more than one thing at a time that causes hyperventalation, and seeing as writing and packing both cause such, im being forced to pick the other. but i have strictest instructions to just go to sleep if i start to hyperventalate too much, so i might do that too. what would i do without people telling me what to do when i hyperventalate? im sure i dont know.
but i was thinking of it again today when i was packing. again. oooh. someday child, we're gonna get it together. i think, maybe?]
i can distinctly recall the first time i packed something. i have no middle, you know, im all extremes and this first time i packed for something i was terribly excited. i was packed early. the only problem, was, of course, that i was packing for something that didnt actually need packing. [i believe we were going away for the afternnoon to somewhere like an hour away or something.] i had packed this huge duffel bag full of everything that i might actually need for like a week--my toothbrush, and clothes and probably 10 books and shoes and ponytailholders and everything. i mean, i was prepared. and i was probably even packed the night before. but my parents were like "you dont need all that stuff...blahblahblah" for the whole morning but i was convinced i did, but daddy wouldnt be a part of it, and he wouldnt put it in the trunk or anything so i had to stuff it at my feet and stuff so i remember being terribly squished and stuff and my sister, who had probably only brought a teddybear and a book or something, had all kinds of room. after a while, i began to see the unnecessity of all of my packing efforts and it seems as if my family was gently poking fun of it to, but maybe im making that part up. but--under no circumstances was i going to admit that i didnt need all the stuff i had worked so hard to pack. so. i began to pray and pray that our car would break down or something and we would be stranded overnight where ever we were and i would be the only one who had pajamas and my toothbrush and stuff. and then they would be sorry.
but no such luck. i was just squished.
anyway, i blame this for my resistence to packing now. or something. or maybe its genetic.
someone said last night that the nature of people is to leave. which is practically the saddest thing i had heard all day, maybe. and i dont know. as much as i want to believe that that isnt the case, maybe it is. goodness, i think im a stayer, though. i mostly think that i never actually want to leave anywhere. sometimes, i do, of course. but you know. and once we are friends, i want to be friends with you pretty much for forever. [except, sometimes im bad at being a good friend. this, among other things, makes me irritated at myself. and i dont like being irritated at myself. because then it feels as though everyone is irritated with you, and i certainly dont like that. like anne--
whenever your nose and eyes get red you just seem red all over." yes, when it rains, i suppose it pours.]
so--what a contrast to people, then, that He is faithful and graceful. very hard to understand that especially when it seems that it should be just the opposite. but its not, and im not complaining.
things can be lovely, you know, even though--.
unknown, unknown. ho-hum.
ive made it to my bed to sleep about every other night. all the other nights ive landed in other places. usually thats ok. i like the couch. but last night i wanted to sleep in bed, but i got stuck at the couch. hrm.
i have simultaneously the best and worst memory ever. i forget things that are important. but i dont mean to. it makes me ososad. and i dont even know what i want. i need to be more aware of like...half my life. and half of the rest of the world. and half of the magic.
either way, now is not the time to stop feeling, just because it might hurt later. so, pack away, little pilgrim.
// but things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do / and i would gladly hit the road, get up and go, if i knew / that someday it would lead me back to you / that someday it would lead me back to you.
[maybe thats all i need?] //
Posted 8/24/2005 2:24 AM
[my apologies if youve seen it, or some of it, before. some of it i wrote new. but packing turns my brain to mush, and i hyperventalate, so i cant write anything new much, even though i want to. but my policy, as of today, i guess, is to try and not do more than one thing at a time that causes hyperventalation, and seeing as writing and packing both cause such, im being forced to pick the other. but i have strictest instructions to just go to sleep if i start to hyperventalate too much, so i might do that too. what would i do without people telling me what to do when i hyperventalate? im sure i dont know.
but i was thinking of it again today when i was packing. again. oooh. someday child, we're gonna get it together. i think, maybe?]
i can distinctly recall the first time i packed something. i have no middle, you know, im all extremes and this first time i packed for something i was terribly excited. i was packed early. the only problem, was, of course, that i was packing for something that didnt actually need packing. [i believe we were going away for the afternnoon to somewhere like an hour away or something.] i had packed this huge duffel bag full of everything that i might actually need for like a week--my toothbrush, and clothes and probably 10 books and shoes and ponytailholders and everything. i mean, i was prepared. and i was probably even packed the night before. but my parents were like "you dont need all that stuff...blahblahblah" for the whole morning but i was convinced i did, but daddy wouldnt be a part of it, and he wouldnt put it in the trunk or anything so i had to stuff it at my feet and stuff so i remember being terribly squished and stuff and my sister, who had probably only brought a teddybear and a book or something, had all kinds of room. after a while, i began to see the unnecessity of all of my packing efforts and it seems as if my family was gently poking fun of it to, but maybe im making that part up. but--under no circumstances was i going to admit that i didnt need all the stuff i had worked so hard to pack. so. i began to pray and pray that our car would break down or something and we would be stranded overnight where ever we were and i would be the only one who had pajamas and my toothbrush and stuff. and then they would be sorry.
but no such luck. i was just squished.
anyway, i blame this for my resistence to packing now. or something. or maybe its genetic.
someone said last night that the nature of people is to leave. which is practically the saddest thing i had heard all day, maybe. and i dont know. as much as i want to believe that that isnt the case, maybe it is. goodness, i think im a stayer, though. i mostly think that i never actually want to leave anywhere. sometimes, i do, of course. but you know. and once we are friends, i want to be friends with you pretty much for forever. [except, sometimes im bad at being a good friend. this, among other things, makes me irritated at myself. and i dont like being irritated at myself. because then it feels as though everyone is irritated with you, and i certainly dont like that. like anne--
whenever your nose and eyes get red you just seem red all over." yes, when it rains, i suppose it pours.]
so--what a contrast to people, then, that He is faithful and graceful. very hard to understand that especially when it seems that it should be just the opposite. but its not, and im not complaining.
things can be lovely, you know, even though--.
unknown, unknown. ho-hum.
ive made it to my bed to sleep about every other night. all the other nights ive landed in other places. usually thats ok. i like the couch. but last night i wanted to sleep in bed, but i got stuck at the couch. hrm.
i have simultaneously the best and worst memory ever. i forget things that are important. but i dont mean to. it makes me ososad. and i dont even know what i want. i need to be more aware of like...half my life. and half of the rest of the world. and half of the magic.
either way, now is not the time to stop feeling, just because it might hurt later. so, pack away, little pilgrim.
// but things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do / and i would gladly hit the road, get up and go, if i knew / that someday it would lead me back to you / that someday it would lead me back to you.
[maybe thats all i need?] //
Posted 8/24/2005 2:24 AM
18 August 2007
27 holliday street
the heights, ----------, 2005
my dearest bert,
it seems so long since i have last written to you, and even longer since i have heard from you, but the calender tells me otherwise--really only a few weeks [!]. it seems like longer because so much has happened. perhaps unfortunately for you, and my inkpen, i thought that you should hear all about my adventures, seeing as i owe you a letter anyway. i shouldnt like to keep you waiting any longer. i shall tell you everything i have been doing, and then you can tell me to stop talking, or, rather, i fully leave in your hands the option to stop reading. you know. afterward, you may tell me the same.
lately, i have been meeting up with all sorts of people that i am aquainted with, at work and such. but only half-aquainted, you understand. people that i know, but not enough to talk to or anything. and sometimes they forget they know me as well, even though they may look at me like they should know me. this produces awkward uncertainty about which course of action to take. shall i re-introduce myself and cause potential embarrassent? shall i carry on the conversation in my head so as to avoid causing that embarrassment, and still prove to myself i know their names and their boyfriends names and how long they have in fact been engaged, and when they are getting married, despite the fact they cant exactly remember if they know me at all. i dont know. perhaps im too unkind.
also, ive been feeling rather discouraged with myself of late. for example, if i was going to finish all the books i purposed to finish this summer, i should have to read four a day if i were going to finish them by the time i resume my studies. more over, there are quite a few things i would change about myself and i should know how and i should be able to, but i dont know if i am. i always feel like such a naughty dimwit when im with half the people i know. and when i read your letters i feel like a...a nincompoop. you know, someone did call me that once, and im not sure that i even fully recovered. im not even entirely sure what its supposed to mean. although, i laughed at the time. and im chuckling even now, for its such a funny word. yes, i do suppose i do appreciate the comment for its comedic value, for it was rather humorous.
in all the time we have been corresponding, i dont believe i have been to the eye doctor yet. well, today i managed to make it there. and i nearly fainted for the first time in my life, and i didnt bring my smelling salts. i have never fainted in all my born days, so i wasnt expecting such. the doctor dialated my eyes, as per normal procedure, and i got tingly all over, and very dizzy, and my ears were ringing very loudly. the doctor continued talking, but that was a blur and i guess when i didnt answer him, [i think i said uhhuh.] but i think i told him my ears were ringing. he sent in a nurse, who checked my blood pressure 3 times cause she couldnt believe her readings [she was getting 70/40 at the best one] and so she ran and grabbed another nurse, and three came and they were slightly frantic for a minute because i guess 70/40 is no good. but then it was 120/60 so they made me drink water and put my head down till later. but the good news is that i had none of the normal side effects from the dialation--no trouble with reading, or sensitivity to light--just the almost fainting. im passive-aggressive, you see. i told my mother not to make me go.
how interesting to think that all the time ive just spent writing this letter really doesnt matter. this paper will last only as long as it takes to burn, or decay. these thoughts are mortal; they are yours and mine only as long as you choose to keep them, and im sure that they are unoriginal at best. its strange how the most important things are sometimes not really important at all. faith hope and charity, for example, and, i should say, love. these are the greatest, and of these, love is the the best. but love too shall pass away--love is not the most important thing in life--outside, of course, of the one who loves completely. but that is a different subject altogether. love is the greatest of the greatest, yet we see the greatest of these becoming the least once again. there are things greater, and more magical than we can fathom. love is unfathomable, but closer to understanding than all the rest, you see. fascinating, new, unexpected--indeed. but also: just as he said it would be. and in the meantime, we shall bungle up loving as best as we are able, i suppose, for we are not so great as it as we ought to be.
mortal thoughts or not, though, i dont suppose we shall let the postman find himself without a job, now, should we?
always--
your jules
Posted 8/18/2005 10:31 PM
the heights, ----------, 2005
my dearest bert,
it seems so long since i have last written to you, and even longer since i have heard from you, but the calender tells me otherwise--really only a few weeks [!]. it seems like longer because so much has happened. perhaps unfortunately for you, and my inkpen, i thought that you should hear all about my adventures, seeing as i owe you a letter anyway. i shouldnt like to keep you waiting any longer. i shall tell you everything i have been doing, and then you can tell me to stop talking, or, rather, i fully leave in your hands the option to stop reading. you know. afterward, you may tell me the same.
lately, i have been meeting up with all sorts of people that i am aquainted with, at work and such. but only half-aquainted, you understand. people that i know, but not enough to talk to or anything. and sometimes they forget they know me as well, even though they may look at me like they should know me. this produces awkward uncertainty about which course of action to take. shall i re-introduce myself and cause potential embarrassent? shall i carry on the conversation in my head so as to avoid causing that embarrassment, and still prove to myself i know their names and their boyfriends names and how long they have in fact been engaged, and when they are getting married, despite the fact they cant exactly remember if they know me at all. i dont know. perhaps im too unkind.
also, ive been feeling rather discouraged with myself of late. for example, if i was going to finish all the books i purposed to finish this summer, i should have to read four a day if i were going to finish them by the time i resume my studies. more over, there are quite a few things i would change about myself and i should know how and i should be able to, but i dont know if i am. i always feel like such a naughty dimwit when im with half the people i know. and when i read your letters i feel like a...a nincompoop. you know, someone did call me that once, and im not sure that i even fully recovered. im not even entirely sure what its supposed to mean. although, i laughed at the time. and im chuckling even now, for its such a funny word. yes, i do suppose i do appreciate the comment for its comedic value, for it was rather humorous.
in all the time we have been corresponding, i dont believe i have been to the eye doctor yet. well, today i managed to make it there. and i nearly fainted for the first time in my life, and i didnt bring my smelling salts. i have never fainted in all my born days, so i wasnt expecting such. the doctor dialated my eyes, as per normal procedure, and i got tingly all over, and very dizzy, and my ears were ringing very loudly. the doctor continued talking, but that was a blur and i guess when i didnt answer him, [i think i said uhhuh.] but i think i told him my ears were ringing. he sent in a nurse, who checked my blood pressure 3 times cause she couldnt believe her readings [she was getting 70/40 at the best one] and so she ran and grabbed another nurse, and three came and they were slightly frantic for a minute because i guess 70/40 is no good. but then it was 120/60 so they made me drink water and put my head down till later. but the good news is that i had none of the normal side effects from the dialation--no trouble with reading, or sensitivity to light--just the almost fainting. im passive-aggressive, you see. i told my mother not to make me go.
how interesting to think that all the time ive just spent writing this letter really doesnt matter. this paper will last only as long as it takes to burn, or decay. these thoughts are mortal; they are yours and mine only as long as you choose to keep them, and im sure that they are unoriginal at best. its strange how the most important things are sometimes not really important at all. faith hope and charity, for example, and, i should say, love. these are the greatest, and of these, love is the the best. but love too shall pass away--love is not the most important thing in life--outside, of course, of the one who loves completely. but that is a different subject altogether. love is the greatest of the greatest, yet we see the greatest of these becoming the least once again. there are things greater, and more magical than we can fathom. love is unfathomable, but closer to understanding than all the rest, you see. fascinating, new, unexpected--indeed. but also: just as he said it would be. and in the meantime, we shall bungle up loving as best as we are able, i suppose, for we are not so great as it as we ought to be.
mortal thoughts or not, though, i dont suppose we shall let the postman find himself without a job, now, should we?
always--
your jules
Posted 8/18/2005 10:31 PM
|| strung along :: out :: together ||
"isnt this the way it always ends up?
the deepest of nights, the ripest of moons,
the fragrance of magnolia and gardenia--
dueling sorceresses. and you are all i want."
my world is full of poetry of late: [not mine, of course.] but this and more. oooh, and more. poetry is such a lovely thing. osogood for the soul.
============================================================================
i think that the thing to think about when you dont know what else to worry cause there seems to be so much to worry about, is your posture. it takes a surprising amount of effort to worry about your posture, so it takes your mind off of everything else.
============================================================================
lately, ive been mild obsessed and interested in lacy things. osopretty. and i think im going to start wearing jeans with heels more often. ive often thought that i should wear more heels, and this seems to be a practical way to impliment that without having to dress up to accomplish it. what a stroke of fortune.and today i had icecream that is like 1/3 the calories and like 1/2 the fat or something and it doesnt even taste like that. and i am not even kidding--it tastes like the real deal. i had half cookie dough, and half moosetrack, with hot fudge [which of course, cancled outthe goodness of the icecream, but this is a risk im willing to take for my hotfudge] and it was sooooo wonderful. just what i needed. this is also extremely foutuneous, and a wonderful find.
============================================================================
also: ive taken to writing on only one side of the paper. i didnt use to do that.and i think i decided that the subject matter itself does not have to be interesting to make the subject interesting. only the teller has to be interesting. im reading a boxing book, and its beautifully written, and im enjoying it lots and lots, even though i dont really have a thing for boxing. also, im reading this other book about how the KJV Bible came into being and how its the most important book in the english language, with shakespeare coming second, of course, and its soo interesting. but we learned the same thing in a class, and i distinctly remember being terribly disinterested in what the textbook had to say about it. now the question is: why dont they get the interesting writers to write the textbooks? it would be rather clever, i think. i decided some things about my own writing as well: i think i write best and the best stuff emerges when i think im not really writing, but messing around. i have to get to a spot in my head where the best stuff is ready to come out, but it cant barge out, it has to slide out, so clumsily that i dont even notice, otherwise i get stagefright. and then after, i notice and the internal editor, which is my own harshest critic, kicks in. what i need to know is 1) how to get more harshest critics, 2) whether or not i should go to grad school, and 3) how to write when i need to write, instead of when my muse decides to show up unannounced. also: if it does show up, i flip out. and if it doesnt, i flip out too.
============================================================================
also: im afraid to give up what may possibly be bad, because i think i will never have better. when in all likelihood [too many vowels in this word.] the moment i give up bad--or not even bad: merely: not-as-good, i will get wonderful, but until then im stuck with not-as-good, or think im stuck with not-as-good, cause im scared, i guess, of wonderful. how stupid is that?! ooh, me of little faith.
============================================================================
ive been babysitting my sisters quite a bit--hence the confessions of a teenage drama queen--but anyway, we dance sometimes, and today they were showing me their dance to
"buffalo girls wont you come out tonight?
come out tonight, come out tonight?
buffalo girls wont you come out tonight
and dance by the light of the moon?"
which is such a pleasant song, and a funny little dance, which i can show you if you so desire, and the whole thing reminds me of its a wonderful life, which is almost a romantic a story as is king-henry-the-VIII, but for years and years i havent known what a buffalo girl is. what is a buffalo girl? i even googled it like youre supposed to, but no answers were readily available. i have no idea, but im curious.also: i still have no idea what a celluoid collar or an alabaster brow is, either. ===========================================================================
is the life not more than food,
and the body more than clothing?
sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
therefore: do not worry.
Posted 8/15/2005 12:48 PM
the deepest of nights, the ripest of moons,
the fragrance of magnolia and gardenia--
dueling sorceresses. and you are all i want."
my world is full of poetry of late: [not mine, of course.] but this and more. oooh, and more. poetry is such a lovely thing. osogood for the soul.
============================================================================
i think that the thing to think about when you dont know what else to worry cause there seems to be so much to worry about, is your posture. it takes a surprising amount of effort to worry about your posture, so it takes your mind off of everything else.
============================================================================
lately, ive been mild obsessed and interested in lacy things. osopretty. and i think im going to start wearing jeans with heels more often. ive often thought that i should wear more heels, and this seems to be a practical way to impliment that without having to dress up to accomplish it. what a stroke of fortune.and today i had icecream that is like 1/3 the calories and like 1/2 the fat or something and it doesnt even taste like that. and i am not even kidding--it tastes like the real deal. i had half cookie dough, and half moosetrack, with hot fudge [which of course, cancled outthe goodness of the icecream, but this is a risk im willing to take for my hotfudge] and it was sooooo wonderful. just what i needed. this is also extremely foutuneous, and a wonderful find.
============================================================================
also: ive taken to writing on only one side of the paper. i didnt use to do that.and i think i decided that the subject matter itself does not have to be interesting to make the subject interesting. only the teller has to be interesting. im reading a boxing book, and its beautifully written, and im enjoying it lots and lots, even though i dont really have a thing for boxing. also, im reading this other book about how the KJV Bible came into being and how its the most important book in the english language, with shakespeare coming second, of course, and its soo interesting. but we learned the same thing in a class, and i distinctly remember being terribly disinterested in what the textbook had to say about it. now the question is: why dont they get the interesting writers to write the textbooks? it would be rather clever, i think. i decided some things about my own writing as well: i think i write best and the best stuff emerges when i think im not really writing, but messing around. i have to get to a spot in my head where the best stuff is ready to come out, but it cant barge out, it has to slide out, so clumsily that i dont even notice, otherwise i get stagefright. and then after, i notice and the internal editor, which is my own harshest critic, kicks in. what i need to know is 1) how to get more harshest critics, 2) whether or not i should go to grad school, and 3) how to write when i need to write, instead of when my muse decides to show up unannounced. also: if it does show up, i flip out. and if it doesnt, i flip out too.
============================================================================
also: im afraid to give up what may possibly be bad, because i think i will never have better. when in all likelihood [too many vowels in this word.] the moment i give up bad--or not even bad: merely: not-as-good, i will get wonderful, but until then im stuck with not-as-good, or think im stuck with not-as-good, cause im scared, i guess, of wonderful. how stupid is that?! ooh, me of little faith.
============================================================================
ive been babysitting my sisters quite a bit--hence the confessions of a teenage drama queen--but anyway, we dance sometimes, and today they were showing me their dance to
"buffalo girls wont you come out tonight?
come out tonight, come out tonight?
buffalo girls wont you come out tonight
and dance by the light of the moon?"
which is such a pleasant song, and a funny little dance, which i can show you if you so desire, and the whole thing reminds me of its a wonderful life, which is almost a romantic a story as is king-henry-the-VIII, but for years and years i havent known what a buffalo girl is. what is a buffalo girl? i even googled it like youre supposed to, but no answers were readily available. i have no idea, but im curious.also: i still have no idea what a celluoid collar or an alabaster brow is, either. ===========================================================================
is the life not more than food,
and the body more than clothing?
sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
therefore: do not worry.
Posted 8/15/2005 12:48 PM
romanticalities
goodness, i want to know why the world has become so unpoetical and unromantic in the last little while. today, this man came into work and he was telling me all about this picture that he has at his house, and "it has all the great ones in it. all the greats. people you probably dont even know about because youre a pretty young thing. too young to know about all the great ones." so i asked who was in the picture. "oh, lets see. elvis, and marylin monroe. and humphry bogart. and frank sinatra."
i was a little taken aback, because im not actually so ignorant as to have never heard of these people. but really i just smiled and nodded and said a few intellegent things about those people to try to clue him into the fact that yes, in fact, i have heard of elvis before. heck, i could probably sing some elvis songs to him. [and by the by, i have a really good idea, and that is that we all ought to go to graceland, seeing as its so close to school, and i really want to go to it once and stuff] anyway. i guess i shouldnt actually be surprised that he thought that i didnt know about them because now all we have is "brad and jen or brad and angelina" and hillaryduff, lindsaylohan, ashleesimpson and jessica and, o yes, paris hilton. no wonder we're having troubles in all sorts of ways now. no wonder.
i wonder what happened. why dont we have such a romantic [the other meaning of romantic, of course.] way in the world anymore? i dont know. but its very tragical.
i want the glamour back, and the magic. i want the red lipstick and the liquid black eyeliner and heels, and i want to go exploring when the world may still drop you off the edge. and i want to be a lady-in-waiting in king henry-the-eighth-with-eight-wives court, and i want to be a nurse in WWI, and a dancer in king davids court. maybe it all hasnt left, really? maybe all that just changed around to something different, and i need to learn how to see it freshly.
but: the guy was sortof right because i decided that i dont actually know enough to be a grown-up yet. grown-ups know all sorts of stuff that i dont know yet, but i dont know how or where they learn it cause ive had as nearly as much education as most of them. but i still dont know what to wear or buy for baby showers, and even worse for wedding showers, and i dont know what to do when people ask me about one-size-fits-all fitting fat people. and i cant keep track of what the supreme court is in charge of, and what military branches and abbrievations mean what, and what to do when a kid is sick. some things about being grown-up i certainly do not want to know, but i also dont know some things i want to know, and other things, but i dont know where to learn them, either. i guess i cant be grown up yet. hum.
[[o me of little faith:] yes, like when we first see colors and discover toes and when we talk to good friends and laugh, and cry honestly or celebrate with others, and work hard, and have a milkshake at a drive-in with people whom you love very much indeed. this is a shadow of the real magic.
the magic is merely flirting; the magic is caught only in whispers]
Posted 8/11/2005 11:20 PM
i was a little taken aback, because im not actually so ignorant as to have never heard of these people. but really i just smiled and nodded and said a few intellegent things about those people to try to clue him into the fact that yes, in fact, i have heard of elvis before. heck, i could probably sing some elvis songs to him. [and by the by, i have a really good idea, and that is that we all ought to go to graceland, seeing as its so close to school, and i really want to go to it once and stuff] anyway. i guess i shouldnt actually be surprised that he thought that i didnt know about them because now all we have is "brad and jen or brad and angelina" and hillaryduff, lindsaylohan, ashleesimpson and jessica and, o yes, paris hilton. no wonder we're having troubles in all sorts of ways now. no wonder.
i wonder what happened. why dont we have such a romantic [the other meaning of romantic, of course.] way in the world anymore? i dont know. but its very tragical.
i want the glamour back, and the magic. i want the red lipstick and the liquid black eyeliner and heels, and i want to go exploring when the world may still drop you off the edge. and i want to be a lady-in-waiting in king henry-the-eighth-with-eight-wives court, and i want to be a nurse in WWI, and a dancer in king davids court. maybe it all hasnt left, really? maybe all that just changed around to something different, and i need to learn how to see it freshly.
but: the guy was sortof right because i decided that i dont actually know enough to be a grown-up yet. grown-ups know all sorts of stuff that i dont know yet, but i dont know how or where they learn it cause ive had as nearly as much education as most of them. but i still dont know what to wear or buy for baby showers, and even worse for wedding showers, and i dont know what to do when people ask me about one-size-fits-all fitting fat people. and i cant keep track of what the supreme court is in charge of, and what military branches and abbrievations mean what, and what to do when a kid is sick. some things about being grown-up i certainly do not want to know, but i also dont know some things i want to know, and other things, but i dont know where to learn them, either. i guess i cant be grown up yet. hum.
[[o me of little faith:] yes, like when we first see colors and discover toes and when we talk to good friends and laugh, and cry honestly or celebrate with others, and work hard, and have a milkshake at a drive-in with people whom you love very much indeed. this is a shadow of the real magic.
the magic is merely flirting; the magic is caught only in whispers]
Posted 8/11/2005 11:20 PM
||{ plans in progress }}|
monday is always a tidying day, i think. a chance for a miniture spring-cleaning every week. here we are, sweeping out closets. [sorry 'bout that.]i wish i could tell you that the next time you see me i will be well-rested and well-dressed and well in body, and not considerably rumpled in spirit, and sexy, and put-together and gracious, and all sorts of lovely things like that. but im not sure i can promise that. ill most likely be running late, and my clothes may or may not be ironed because im running late [although, admittedly, since the advent of downy wrinkle releaser, the wrinkles in my clothing have been far fewer. such a lovely invention.] and ill be unsettled about something or other, and i probably did something stupid 6 minutes ago. [:some advice from lizzie mcguire which i had the pleasure[?] of watching with my sisters, and which i thought was remarkably insightful for something which involves hillary duff:
things to do when the girl is not happy:
1. notice shes unhappy
2. pretend not to notice
3. ask her carefully and calmly about something else
4. back into the question of why shes unhappy--but only if shes speaking to you in complete sentences and making eye contact. if not, try again later.
5. then--its possible that she'll really talk to you. just let her talk, and you just sit there and take it. then things will probably be happier.
im halfway embarrassed to admit that this works with me. usually anyway.but i cant promise anything. ] some things are simply disheartening. i think i make a little progress with something or other, and then oops no i didnt. forward, backwardsbackwardsbackwardsbackwardsbackwardsbackwards forwardbackwardsbackwardsbackwardsbackwards forward backwards and i cant be a writer: im scared to death, and uninspired, boring and unoriginal. and my house would be a mess. i cant be a mother: my kids will be starved on accident and im far too selfish. [not even dialogue like this can convince me that it would be fun, except for sometimes it would be:
molly [age8]: so, did you go anywhere this summer on vacation, or to your grandparents?
alex [age3]: huh?molly: did you go anywhere?
alex: yeah!molly: where?
alex: to the potty! ]
im dreading the day when i may begin to carry a purse callender. and what if my kids arent cute?! i never thought there was such a thing as an uncute baby, but ive recently been proven wrong. o dear.i cant be a supermodel: im a smidgen to short and bit too pudgy and nothing fits exactly the right way cause im exactly the wrong size. exactly. [this causes no small amount of frusturation, let me assure you--ive been shopping lately, so im frusturated with the process in general at the moment. boys do not understand this, i believe. actually, i dont think that boys even understand what its like to be a girl.] also: i dislike the days where i start out being a failure. its more pleasant for me to reaquaint myself with that thought as the day goes on rather than being faced with it first thing.i do have to be something, you know, because im becoming something. i already know that. but goodness--what is it?and im so afraid that i dont have what it takes to be what i want.[and let me take this moment to say that my goals are being simplified constantly. i think im learning the value of that--i try to overly complicate things, you know. but not everything should be overly complicated, just somethings. new goals as follows:to smell like flowers. to get rid of some stuff. to be gracious. to not clomp in heels. [a lady should clickclickityclick, not clompclompclomp. what a worry it is that i might clomp.] to enlarge my mind. to grow. to be sexy, in the good way.] doing what i ought is harder than i want it to be, let me tell you. but trytry again, eh? i need criticism tempered with encouragement. i need truth with love. i need You and the rest of you. i feel like a snake or caterpillar, itching and itching to get the old skin / cocoon off, and its just slowlyslowly coming off but it hasnt quite yet. then, i think of that part in the voyage of the dawn treader where eustance turns into a dragon but he cant shed the skin until aslan punctures it way down deep. either way: i guess im about to be peeling like an orange or banana or something [it seems like theres a saying for that but goodness knows what it is.]. and: only after the dragon skin comes off can the jeweled braclet be put on the arm properly, you know, without getting stuck or looking ugly.
apparently, he gives us just what we need. his grace is enough for even me.but: tell me how: i dont know.and be the center: im all off-kilter.and notice me: i need you to.
yes, notice me, please.
Posted 8/8/2005 12:02 AM
things to do when the girl is not happy:
1. notice shes unhappy
2. pretend not to notice
3. ask her carefully and calmly about something else
4. back into the question of why shes unhappy--but only if shes speaking to you in complete sentences and making eye contact. if not, try again later.
5. then--its possible that she'll really talk to you. just let her talk, and you just sit there and take it. then things will probably be happier.
im halfway embarrassed to admit that this works with me. usually anyway.but i cant promise anything. ] some things are simply disheartening. i think i make a little progress with something or other, and then oops no i didnt. forward, backwardsbackwardsbackwardsbackwardsbackwardsbackwards forwardbackwardsbackwardsbackwardsbackwards forward backwards and i cant be a writer: im scared to death, and uninspired, boring and unoriginal. and my house would be a mess. i cant be a mother: my kids will be starved on accident and im far too selfish. [not even dialogue like this can convince me that it would be fun, except for sometimes it would be:
molly [age8]: so, did you go anywhere this summer on vacation, or to your grandparents?
alex [age3]: huh?molly: did you go anywhere?
alex: yeah!molly: where?
alex: to the potty! ]
im dreading the day when i may begin to carry a purse callender. and what if my kids arent cute?! i never thought there was such a thing as an uncute baby, but ive recently been proven wrong. o dear.i cant be a supermodel: im a smidgen to short and bit too pudgy and nothing fits exactly the right way cause im exactly the wrong size. exactly. [this causes no small amount of frusturation, let me assure you--ive been shopping lately, so im frusturated with the process in general at the moment. boys do not understand this, i believe. actually, i dont think that boys even understand what its like to be a girl.] also: i dislike the days where i start out being a failure. its more pleasant for me to reaquaint myself with that thought as the day goes on rather than being faced with it first thing.i do have to be something, you know, because im becoming something. i already know that. but goodness--what is it?and im so afraid that i dont have what it takes to be what i want.[and let me take this moment to say that my goals are being simplified constantly. i think im learning the value of that--i try to overly complicate things, you know. but not everything should be overly complicated, just somethings. new goals as follows:to smell like flowers. to get rid of some stuff. to be gracious. to not clomp in heels. [a lady should clickclickityclick, not clompclompclomp. what a worry it is that i might clomp.] to enlarge my mind. to grow. to be sexy, in the good way.] doing what i ought is harder than i want it to be, let me tell you. but trytry again, eh? i need criticism tempered with encouragement. i need truth with love. i need You and the rest of you. i feel like a snake or caterpillar, itching and itching to get the old skin / cocoon off, and its just slowlyslowly coming off but it hasnt quite yet. then, i think of that part in the voyage of the dawn treader where eustance turns into a dragon but he cant shed the skin until aslan punctures it way down deep. either way: i guess im about to be peeling like an orange or banana or something [it seems like theres a saying for that but goodness knows what it is.]. and: only after the dragon skin comes off can the jeweled braclet be put on the arm properly, you know, without getting stuck or looking ugly.
apparently, he gives us just what we need. his grace is enough for even me.but: tell me how: i dont know.and be the center: im all off-kilter.and notice me: i need you to.
yes, notice me, please.
Posted 8/8/2005 12:02 AM
{{: something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue :}}
{{ something old }}
from october: i voted today. and i got to wear the sticker on my shirt. it was my first presidential election to vote in, so it was extra exciting. hurrah. the lady asked me if i knew how to fill in the ballot and i said "um. fill in the circles completely?' and i got it wrong. we have arrows. of course. but i think i could have figured it out without her 4 minutes of instruction that followed my wrong answer. i should have told her to stop forcing her beliefs about how to fill out the ballot on me, cause that was discrimination or something.
and i felt like a really real author for the very first time this week. we were sitting around this table in class and these people were discussing all these authorial things about my work. it was crazy. apparently i [at least usually] have a 'style' :O it was really crazy.
i need to read more. and be less stupid. and less selfish. and bake more. and write more. and be kind more. and pray more. and be less stubborn about stupid stuff.
maybe i need to start keeping a list for those things.
[i love the smell of clean laundry. but i could live without having to do the laundry to get the smell.]
phrase of the week / year / restofmylife: 'i suck. i need Jesus.'
from december: [im glad for real smiles
and smiles that are smiled in the dark so you can barely even see them
and almost smiles
and remembered smiles
and smiles that are saved for later [cause later will come soon i s h l y ]]
from march: im changing my life all around i think. or my life is changing itself all around. or--something. i miss what was, what could have been. but in a year i will be missing different things. sheesh--in 7 weeks i will be missing different things most likely. plusalso, im kindofsortof excited about change. its like clear koolaid--it could be vodka or water, you arent quite sure and you wrinkle your nose at it. but then surprise! its really yummy koolaid thats probably watermelon flavored or something else yummy and you smile at it and its super exciting. maybe.
what will be saved is what is worth being saved. i verymuch want to keep whats worth keeping and get rid of all that is not.
letting go is a p r o c e s s [as is redemption] and there is no rush. but i have been given things to do [ ! ]. i must do them and i must be focused and balanced. and i absolutely must remember that i am not superwoman.
from june: there is potential [in theory anyway] for me to have a quality relationship [of any sort] with far more people than i currently do. its not because i cant remember all of their names, i could. so then, is it only through circumstance that i dont? or is there more of a personality or values, or looks or something else, or some conflict that goes beyond what would initially seem to be the case. any why cant you even always know that. and i want to know why this happens.
"dont expect too much from life, buttercup told herself as she rode along. learn to live
and be satisfied with what you have."
my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. psalm 73.26
from july: i wore lucy ricardo shoes today;
i might possibly be gettting around to being comfortable in my own skin.
ooo child, things are gonna get easier.
{{ something new }}
other person: so they creameated him, but they have to buy a coffin anyway.
me: whys that? that makes no sense.
otherperson: its the law in their state or something, so they can keep track of who died. like if someone killed someone or something, they would know, instead of letting people just burn them up and have no evidence.
me: well, i guess if you were the sort of person who went to the trouble of killing someone and burning them up, you wouldnt be the sort of person to buy a coffin for them anyway.
otherperson: oh, i guess not.
me: *laughing my head off* [and they do too.]
also: how completely weird would it be if we read sdrawkcab or
v
e
r
t
i
c
a
l
l
y
or something. that would be so weird. yes, i know--sentimental, not to mention traditional. gracious. maybe i should move to japan, like my cousin is doing tomorrow or something, to rearrange my world a bit. or maybe not. who knows. who even knows.
and i want to go dancing [!]
its strange to realize that other people are not just like you, and sometimes they arent even sortof like you. newsflash: im not the only [type of] person on the planet.
{{ something borrowed }}
from here: i'm bold and angry and tortured and tremendous and i notice when someone has changed their hair part, or when someone is wearing two very distinctly different shades of black or when someone changes the natural temperament of their voice on the phone. i don't give out empty praise. i'm not complacent or well-adjusted. i can't spend fifteen minutes breathing and stretching and getting in touch with myself. i can't spend three minutes finishing an article. i check my answering machine nine times every day and i can't sleep at night because i feel that there is so much to do and fix and change in the world and i wonder every day if i am making a difference and if i will ever express the greatness within me or if i will remain forever paralyzed by muddled madness inside my head. i've wept on every birthday i've ever had because life is huge and fleeting and i hate certain people and certain shoes and i feel that life is terribly unfair and sometimes beautiful and wonderful and extraordinary but also numbing and horrifying and insurmountable and i hate myself a lot of the time. the rest of the time i adore myself and i adore my life in this city and in this world we live in. this huge and wondrous, bewildering, brilliant, horrible world.
from there: a day, a livelong day, is not one thing, but many. it changes not only in growing light toward zenith and decline again, but in texture and mood, in tone and meaning, warped by a thousand factors of season, of heat or cold, of still or multi winds, torqued by odors, tastes or fabrics of ice or grass, of bud or leaf of black-drawn naked limbs. and as a day changes so do its subjects, bugs and birds, cats, dogs, butterflies and people. [page 13]
{{ something blue }}
tonight i was babysitting and mothers were there before they left and they were discussing new babies eyes, which are, of course, blue, and the probabilities for the color changing or not. my eyes didnt change too much. there may have been a few colors inserted here and there, but not really. mostly still just blue. too bad they arent green--or brown. brown would be good, if i were more tan. but anyway, i was holding this baby and trying to find a toy for it and i was looking for a red one cause i remember that little tiny babies can see red, black and white [like the jokes] best, and im just a good babysitter like that [?] but anyway, i was wondering when it is exactly that we can see more than those colors well. and also--i wish! i could remember that moment where i first discovered that. im sure it was beautiful, and breathtaking. i imagine it was something like us watching wizard of oz now, but better. i wonder what i did when i found out, if i smiled, or if it was so gradual i didnt even notice. it sortof reminds me of the giver. thats a good book.
yes, im sure it was beautiful, just like when babies discover that they have toes.
Posted 8/4/2005 12:34 AM -
from october: i voted today. and i got to wear the sticker on my shirt. it was my first presidential election to vote in, so it was extra exciting. hurrah. the lady asked me if i knew how to fill in the ballot and i said "um. fill in the circles completely?' and i got it wrong. we have arrows. of course. but i think i could have figured it out without her 4 minutes of instruction that followed my wrong answer. i should have told her to stop forcing her beliefs about how to fill out the ballot on me, cause that was discrimination or something.
and i felt like a really real author for the very first time this week. we were sitting around this table in class and these people were discussing all these authorial things about my work. it was crazy. apparently i [at least usually] have a 'style' :O it was really crazy.
i need to read more. and be less stupid. and less selfish. and bake more. and write more. and be kind more. and pray more. and be less stubborn about stupid stuff.
maybe i need to start keeping a list for those things.
[i love the smell of clean laundry. but i could live without having to do the laundry to get the smell.]
phrase of the week / year / restofmylife: 'i suck. i need Jesus.'
from december: [im glad for real smiles
and smiles that are smiled in the dark so you can barely even see them
and almost smiles
and remembered smiles
and smiles that are saved for later [cause later will come soon i s h l y ]]
from march: im changing my life all around i think. or my life is changing itself all around. or--something. i miss what was, what could have been. but in a year i will be missing different things. sheesh--in 7 weeks i will be missing different things most likely. plusalso, im kindofsortof excited about change. its like clear koolaid--it could be vodka or water, you arent quite sure and you wrinkle your nose at it. but then surprise! its really yummy koolaid thats probably watermelon flavored or something else yummy and you smile at it and its super exciting. maybe.
what will be saved is what is worth being saved. i verymuch want to keep whats worth keeping and get rid of all that is not.
letting go is a p r o c e s s [as is redemption] and there is no rush. but i have been given things to do [ ! ]. i must do them and i must be focused and balanced. and i absolutely must remember that i am not superwoman.
from june: there is potential [in theory anyway] for me to have a quality relationship [of any sort] with far more people than i currently do. its not because i cant remember all of their names, i could. so then, is it only through circumstance that i dont? or is there more of a personality or values, or looks or something else, or some conflict that goes beyond what would initially seem to be the case. any why cant you even always know that. and i want to know why this happens.
"dont expect too much from life, buttercup told herself as she rode along. learn to live
and be satisfied with what you have."
my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. psalm 73.26
from july: i wore lucy ricardo shoes today;
i might possibly be gettting around to being comfortable in my own skin.
ooo child, things are gonna get easier.
{{ something new }}
other person: so they creameated him, but they have to buy a coffin anyway.
me: whys that? that makes no sense.
otherperson: its the law in their state or something, so they can keep track of who died. like if someone killed someone or something, they would know, instead of letting people just burn them up and have no evidence.
me: well, i guess if you were the sort of person who went to the trouble of killing someone and burning them up, you wouldnt be the sort of person to buy a coffin for them anyway.
otherperson: oh, i guess not.
me: *laughing my head off* [and they do too.]
also: how completely weird would it be if we read sdrawkcab or
v
e
r
t
i
c
a
l
l
y
or something. that would be so weird. yes, i know--sentimental, not to mention traditional. gracious. maybe i should move to japan, like my cousin is doing tomorrow or something, to rearrange my world a bit. or maybe not. who knows. who even knows.
and i want to go dancing [!]
its strange to realize that other people are not just like you, and sometimes they arent even sortof like you. newsflash: im not the only [type of] person on the planet.
{{ something borrowed }}
from here: i'm bold and angry and tortured and tremendous and i notice when someone has changed their hair part, or when someone is wearing two very distinctly different shades of black or when someone changes the natural temperament of their voice on the phone. i don't give out empty praise. i'm not complacent or well-adjusted. i can't spend fifteen minutes breathing and stretching and getting in touch with myself. i can't spend three minutes finishing an article. i check my answering machine nine times every day and i can't sleep at night because i feel that there is so much to do and fix and change in the world and i wonder every day if i am making a difference and if i will ever express the greatness within me or if i will remain forever paralyzed by muddled madness inside my head. i've wept on every birthday i've ever had because life is huge and fleeting and i hate certain people and certain shoes and i feel that life is terribly unfair and sometimes beautiful and wonderful and extraordinary but also numbing and horrifying and insurmountable and i hate myself a lot of the time. the rest of the time i adore myself and i adore my life in this city and in this world we live in. this huge and wondrous, bewildering, brilliant, horrible world.
from there: a day, a livelong day, is not one thing, but many. it changes not only in growing light toward zenith and decline again, but in texture and mood, in tone and meaning, warped by a thousand factors of season, of heat or cold, of still or multi winds, torqued by odors, tastes or fabrics of ice or grass, of bud or leaf of black-drawn naked limbs. and as a day changes so do its subjects, bugs and birds, cats, dogs, butterflies and people. [page 13]
{{ something blue }}
tonight i was babysitting and mothers were there before they left and they were discussing new babies eyes, which are, of course, blue, and the probabilities for the color changing or not. my eyes didnt change too much. there may have been a few colors inserted here and there, but not really. mostly still just blue. too bad they arent green--or brown. brown would be good, if i were more tan. but anyway, i was holding this baby and trying to find a toy for it and i was looking for a red one cause i remember that little tiny babies can see red, black and white [like the jokes] best, and im just a good babysitter like that [?] but anyway, i was wondering when it is exactly that we can see more than those colors well. and also--i wish! i could remember that moment where i first discovered that. im sure it was beautiful, and breathtaking. i imagine it was something like us watching wizard of oz now, but better. i wonder what i did when i found out, if i smiled, or if it was so gradual i didnt even notice. it sortof reminds me of the giver. thats a good book.
yes, im sure it was beautiful, just like when babies discover that they have toes.
Posted 8/4/2005 12:34 AM -
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