[continued.]

II.
i cant decide if everyone is like me or not, or whether im like everyone, or whatever. i mean, basic things are similar, of course, but what about everything else? i wonder how we know if the thoughts we're thinking are original, [but most likely they arent, because im not sure anything is] or if everyone else in the immediate area is thinking the same exact things, and i wonder if everyone else knows what im talking about ever, and i wonder if i understand them when they tell me things. .
its also confusing about how much of me is genetic, or learned behavior, or just what i do when people are around, or because i feel like it. etc., etc. for example, i like to laugh. but if there were no people, would i laugh because it is in my nature to laugh, or do i laugh because people are around to make me laugh? and do i sing in the car because everyone on the planet sings in the car, or because music may be genetic or because there is a radio present and my subconscious thinks what the heck, why not?
i want to know what makes people work together well and when you know that friendship is reciprocated and when it isnt, and i want to know how people feel about my tendency to assign them roles in my life in my head, but i may or may not tell them about it. there is a guy i know at home, for example, who i would consider to be the official big brother for the moment, but he probably doesnt know it. maybe thats weird, and maybe he wouldnt like it and would probably flip out if i called him with a car question or something if daddy wasnt around. but maybe he thinks the exact same thing. who even knows about this stuff.
i want to know that its worth it to invest me in things and people.

III.
and also: i feel like i need something or somethings, rather. and missing out on things, and oblivious to things and ignoring and noticing just the wrong things.

IV.
'if you feel discouraged
that theres a lack of color here
please dont worry, lover.
things are really bursting at the seams
absorbing everything
the spectrum's A to Z.'

=yes.

V.
and thats just the thing: i really do think that things are bursting at the seams, [mostly, i think that we are dealing with the biggest, fullest, best and worst things in life. and if thats not a daunting thought, i dont know what is.] but somehow i just cant reach it, and dont know how to go about getting it. but its there for the taking; i do firmly believe that.
there is a bowl of candy corn on our kitchen counter. i personally prefer the original candycorn, not the chocolate kind. but daddy likes the chocolate kind best. he asked me if i liked that kind [so he could know if he could eat them all or not], and i said i didnt, not that i'd ever tried it, but i assumed that i didnt like it and so i wasnt going to bother.
i dont think i know the nature of things, instead of bothering to figure it out, i just dont bother at all. which is osovery bad. like i think that when it says that "God is an ever present help in trouble" i think that trouble means like being chased to death with a sword or something. but im not sure he means that. and when he says he loves me, and that i should let things go, its probably different than i think too.
i should probably just try the dumb candy corn and see if i like it too, instead of assuming i dont. cause you know what assuming does.

VI.
"it does not matter how it hurts..." // "do the next thing..." // and "You Are Here. [things happen here.]"


i wonder if dove soap and dove chocolates are made by the same people. that would be crazy.
i wouldnt mind some good chocolate; mumma brought some back, and its delicious. but every piece ive had so far has had filling. i jsut want chocolate straight up. and thats all.

i need to want what i know i want more. i want the wrong things too much, of course, but i dont want the other things enough.

VII.
[i wont give up on giving you the chance to blow my mind.]

VIII.
yes, so i feel like a sink. and i feel like i might be on the edge of finding what i need, and realizing things i should, and loving people and writing and learning and growing, but not just yet. almostalmostalmostalmost. there is a drip from the faucet on my soap-covered ceramic. and it might turn into a waterfall. the tricky part will be, of course, getting the drain in the bottom and turning off the water before it spills over and makes a mess all over the floor. cause thats dangerous and slippery and irritating. but if i can just get the timing of everything right, and the water turned off after the sink is sufficiently full, then things will work as its supposed to, and it will make a perfect bathtub for a baby. and the baby will be happy and safe and clean and the bath will be effective and warm and useful and good-smelling and it will be lovely all around.
[maybe.maybe.maybe.maybe.maybe.maybe. [?!] hopefully.[!]]

Posted 10/23/2005 3:10 PM -