this side

aside: today i got electrocuted. but i think im alright.?
and im an artist [!] pictures forthcoming. hoorayhooray. [---and here they are.] end aside.

such a lot of things to think about, so i just havent. that makes me sad, during the summer i would just thinkandthinkandthinkandthink all day. even when i was at work, i would thinkthinkthink, cause i could but i cant do that at work here--its too pressure-y. i dont know about work yet. but errg. i like to think, or maybe i dont like it that much, sometimes, but i miss it anyway. its more stressful than i thought, and i dont like that one bit. but i guess ill be alright, cause my goal this semester is to be responsible. ooh. and diligent. ooopfh. my roommates are responsible [but i never knew such responsible people and neighbors could have such a muchly fun and wonderful times all the time :D ], and i think its rubbing off on me. [if by "rubbing off on me" you mean not at all] so anyway, i havent had time to think or write or anything, and im not sure i can now either, cause its all in a mess up in my head. i guess the thing to do is to realize that i am thinking even when im actually not taking the time to think. and the funny thing about when i think is that it doesnt seem like real thinking, or what i would have thought that thinking should be. my thinking is more like caffine and sleeping pills put together:
messstuffmessmessstuffstuffstuffmess ah ha! an idea. maybe. messmessmessmess about the idea and then finally i can do something about it.
[everything is so weird because its completely normal and just how it should be,--for example im sitting in the DMS lab [but without him] so i could write cause i cant do it in my room, apparently and im listening to sexy music with my neighbor because i simply couldnotcouldnot write in my room-- but at the same time its still totally different than the normal i got used to last time around. things like this throw me off. ive even been soo tired, even though we havent even done anything yet. and apparently im talking in strings of words lately. acutally, ive probably always done that because i am boring and superpredictable. i feel like i should do something different every once in a while at least. its ridiculous. it really is.
and then i catch glimpses of things about the hurricane. and goodness, that word has an E on the end of it. ive read about 8 blogs that have forgotten that it has an E [because i rarely, if ever, watch TV when im at school, so the internet is my main form of information, which i suppose is sortof sad. and do forgive me for being so ridiculously picky at such a time, but still.maybe i should make a point of watching the news once a week or something.] but its so depressing--cause i feel so caught up in my petty whateverness. and i want to be bigger than that. for example: i was at walmart getting some milk and whatever and i ran into a girl that i hardly even know and she was like "oh, are you shopping for the hurricane victims?" and i wasnt, and i do intend to help where i can and all, but i am irritated that i was made to feel bad for shopping for a few groceries. i dont know. maybe i should feel worse than i do. i dont know. i dont know.
i appreciate things that offer me a bigger glimpse of the world. i think that will happen this semester--at least with some things--, and thats just [or some of] what i need, but i need to take my time in soaking it in. i dont like to be rushed--slow is osogood. i want to take my time and only rush when i want to. and i love churches and people and classes and profs and friends who help you do this. one of the questions that i always want to know about is "how." i want to know how to do things. i was at a church and the preacher said this [and it was baptist church so he said it about 8 times in a row] "ya'll just need to fall in love with Jesus." and yes, im rather sure hes right. be he offered no reasoning to do so. and in my natural state im certainly not inclined to do so--i need to be reminded as to why im pursuing such a seemingly vague thing as "falling in love". i want to know how. and why. and what. and when. and where. maybe i should just be able to figure it out for myself? i dont know.

[ :" not quite young anymore, but not old either; a little breathless, very beautiful, maybe a little stupid, maybe a lot smarter than she seemed. and she was looking for something--i think she wanted to be good. she was funny and sexy--and she was vulnerable too."
--page four hundred and thirty]

and goodness, i certainly dont know what i am. im a mess probably; maybe i am those things. but i have decided upon two things: 1) i feel small and 2) i dont want to be ugly when i grow up.
and i mean that in the most superficial and the deepest way possible, and also in neither of those ways. well, i dont really know what i mean. you know.

"There’s no place to hide
And I’m nothing but scared.

You dream of colors that have never been made,
You imagine songs that have never been played.
They will try to buy you and your mind.
Only the curious have something to find.

Entrance is crucial and it’s not without pain.
There’s no path to follow, once you’re here.
You’ll climb up the slide and then you’ll slide down the stairs.

It’s foreign on this side,
But it feels like I’m home again.
There’s no place to hide
But I don’t think I’m scared."

[but maybe i am? i dont even know.]

Posted 9/5/2005 4:12 PM -