[ first drafts ]

i resolved not to get up and go to bed until i had written something, cause i desperately want to, but cant. you know. im all in this writing mode [because of our beloved, successful, and beautiful ink. yes, we feel like mothers. yes, we are thrilled. i cant even tell you.] but nothing--nothing--will come out. so i resolved not to sleep until i wrote something, so i do everything else instead of writing something or anything while i sit here. boo.
so i cheated and this was a part of those [semi-dreaded] 10pages. but i did edit it one smidgin or two, so its sortof better than before, sortof.

and everything is just so wrong in the world and i wonder how i can suck at life so much. yesterday i didn’t suck at life, well, maybe i did but definately on the day before I showed considerable promise of turning into something profound and romantic, in the bigger sense of the word. and this being stupid at life business just snuck up on me, and so i get in the car because listening to music and driving is always nearly the best thing to do in cases like these, and get on the highway and think to yourself that 65 is not nearly fast enough. and you inch closer to 75 and it feels better. and you flip on the radio and a hideous song comes on and then you flip flip flip through all the stations and nothing is on. you have Delilah, and country, and rap [not the good kind either] and talk shows and you flip through again and you stop on something that sounds like 70s music. and i think to myself that the 70s were as generally stupid just as right now is generally stupid. so i stop and hum along to “ive got soul, but im no soldier” and realize two things: that maybe the 70s really were(nt?) as bad as i always thought, and 2) maybe things will be just as stupid tomorrow. but maybe not, but maybe.

so thats the end of that.
but im being contradictory, so ill keep going.
ive been thinkingthinkingthinking. but i dont know how thats going. and ive been sleepy and hugry. and contradictory. and busy. and this and that and lots more. and when i was typing "lots" i accidentally typed "lost" and im probably that too. ive been everything, let me tell you.
o dear. i dont even know what deserves an o dear at this point, im sure everything does. so: o dear.
and ill write more tomorrow. i can let myself sleep now, i wrote something. and thats the important thing.

i just keep repeating to myself " shitty first drafts. shitty first drafts are okay." over and over. i dont know if it helps yet.

more to say, but not now. much more, im afraid. ive been talking my head off.
you know.

currently playing: one hand in my pocket

Posted 9/15/2005 1:08 AM -