(this will do. (for now))

this will do for now:
[my apologies if youve seen it, or some of it, before. some of it i wrote new. but packing turns my brain to mush, and i hyperventalate, so i cant write anything new much, even though i want to. but my policy, as of today, i guess, is to try and not do more than one thing at a time that causes hyperventalation, and seeing as writing and packing both cause such, im being forced to pick the other. but i have strictest instructions to just go to sleep if i start to hyperventalate too much, so i might do that too. what would i do without people telling me what to do when i hyperventalate? im sure i dont know.
but i was thinking of it again today when i was packing. again. oooh. someday child, we're gonna get it together. i think, maybe?]

i can distinctly recall the first time i packed something. i have no middle, you know, im all extremes and this first time i packed for something i was terribly excited. i was packed early. the only problem, was, of course, that i was packing for something that didnt actually need packing. [i believe we were going away for the afternnoon to somewhere like an hour away or something.] i had packed this huge duffel bag full of everything that i might actually need for like a week--my toothbrush, and clothes and probably 10 books and shoes and ponytailholders and everything. i mean, i was prepared. and i was probably even packed the night before. but my parents were like "you dont need all that stuff...blahblahblah" for the whole morning but i was convinced i did, but daddy wouldnt be a part of it, and he wouldnt put it in the trunk or anything so i had to stuff it at my feet and stuff so i remember being terribly squished and stuff and my sister, who had probably only brought a teddybear and a book or something, had all kinds of room. after a while, i began to see the unnecessity of all of my packing efforts and it seems as if my family was gently poking fun of it to, but maybe im making that part up. but--under no circumstances was i going to admit that i didnt need all the stuff i had worked so hard to pack. so. i began to pray and pray that our car would break down or something and we would be stranded overnight where ever we were and i would be the only one who had pajamas and my toothbrush and stuff. and then they would be sorry.
but no such luck. i was just squished.
anyway, i blame this for my resistence to packing now. or something. or maybe its genetic.

someone said last night that the nature of people is to leave. which is practically the saddest thing i had heard all day, maybe. and i dont know. as much as i want to believe that that isnt the case, maybe it is. goodness, i think im a stayer, though. i mostly think that i never actually want to leave anywhere. sometimes, i do, of course. but you know. and once we are friends, i want to be friends with you pretty much for forever. [except, sometimes im bad at being a good friend. this, among other things, makes me irritated at myself. and i dont like being irritated at myself. because then it feels as though everyone is irritated with you, and i certainly dont like that. like anne--
whenever your nose and eyes get red you just seem red all over." yes, when it rains, i suppose it pours.]
so--what a contrast to people, then, that He is faithful and graceful. very hard to understand that especially when it seems that it should be just the opposite. but its not, and im not complaining.
things can be lovely, you know, even though--.

unknown, unknown. ho-hum.
ive made it to my bed to sleep about every other night. all the other nights ive landed in other places. usually thats ok. i like the couch. but last night i wanted to sleep in bed, but i got stuck at the couch. hrm.
i have simultaneously the best and worst memory ever. i forget things that are important. but i dont mean to. it makes me ososad. and i dont even know what i want. i need to be more aware of like...half my life. and half of the rest of the world. and half of the magic.
either way, now is not the time to stop feeling, just because it might hurt later. so, pack away, little pilgrim.

// but things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do / and i would gladly hit the road, get up and go, if i knew / that someday it would lead me back to you / that someday it would lead me back to you.
[maybe thats all i need?] //

Posted 8/24/2005 2:24 AM