(i didnt die)

last night, as i was sitting in my chair, with my blinds open because i like to let the night in, and a stacked-up room and a sign on my door, i was eating macandcheeseandpeas and thinking about things. and i put on my comfyest clothes [and i was eating comfort food], so you know i was serious about it. and im a pretty good thinker, when i set my mind to it, and some of my thinking even happened today, so these are some of the things that i thought. because lately, i just feel the need to spend a lot of time in my own head. im craving "think time" where-ever and whenever i can get it. this half way worries me. for example, traditionally, or at least lately, one my most productive think times is in church. and not just in church--a lot of other times too. but in church i can just scribblescribblescribble away, probably more than any other time in the whole week. and as awful as that is, i almost think thats how it should be. church should be that inspiring. it should be the thing that makes my world larger and more aware and more thoughtful and active and loving and honest. and i can pay attention and think too, you know. and no one around me knows the difference anyway--they all think im taking notes. ;) but i still feel sortof bad. and speaking of feeling bad, my alarm clock, after all this two years of only semi-faithful service, has died i think. well, i mean it still works, but i think that i have finally i have stepped on it, and laid on it, and smushed it under my pillow, kicked it out of the way and drop-kicked it enough for the knobs on the back to finally break. so i cant adjust the time at all, and the alarm is only good if i want to wake up at 11ish something. which i do want to wake up then, but that doesnt work out so much as far as class goes. so i have to get a new one, and one thats loud enough. because i do not need to be sleeping so much. the end. although, i have been doing all kinds of things when i sleep to try to wake myself up better. i havent slept in my bed properly in like a week, and i try to be uncomfortable, so ill want to get up. and that hasnt helped my waking up for all week, but it has helped like once. and i guess that makes it worth it. like yesterday, for example: monday i got up for moral leaders all by myself, without even my roommates. thats like a miracle. and then i read this thing while i was there: gandhi said: "only give up a thing when you want some other condition so much that the thing has no longer any attraction for you, or when it seems to interfere with that which is more greatly desired." and from the same class: florence nightingale said pharaphrasedly by me: work hard at your goals, and even if you dont make it quite, you can do it better again tomorrow. i want to be better tomorrow, but ill be lucky if i make it that far. its like asking for the page numbers when we are lucky we got the 10 pages out of me. and: how much it takes for people to realize that they are not the end-all-be-alls of this world, even me too. but the confusing things too is that it also takes a lot to realize that you are not worthless either, and that they are good at things, and have ideas and emotions that are perfectly valid and that they can even be right sometimes. its hard to think that you can have perfectly legitimate thoughts, etc., when everytime you vocalize one someone who thinks that they are all that and a bag of chips comes over, tells you that youre wrong and then lectures you for a long time.
[let it be known that i can have good ideas. and let it be known that i had this good idea first.]
i feel like not enough sometimes. i guess i need to be overwhelmed with what He is, rather than overwhelmed by all the things i am not. but when i see the greatness of you, i wish the lessness of me could just melt into the couch cushions, unnoticed, just the same.
and if you can watch someone cry without moving a muscle in their direction, you might be a cold-hearted person or something, im just saying.
and thank heavens for people who i know love me for sure and for real. i wish i knew that about everyone. and i am so glad that laughing is still an option. i live with funny people, and its happy.
i have so much more to say, and so much ive been thinking and wondering, but it wont come out. but i wonder if no one acutally has to bother to talk to me because i can write it all down for them, and they can know all they need to know about me that way, but they have to get to know other people because other people dont write? hrm. thats a sad possibility. the other morning i was awake at 6:30, and it was dark outside. and i looked out the window and looked and then sometime between 6:52 and 7:01 (i think, or whatever the acutal times were) and it became light, all of a sudden. i missed the moment, even though i kept looking. it surprises me how quickly some things change. change, yes, but settlesettlesettle. [i want my shoes broken-in already] and staples in pants. and i dont want to stop trusting people, i dont. cause i do trust them, you know, very nearly regardless. but i want my heart to be bigger, even still. but not yet. maybe tomorrow. and i really really want to do what i love, but i want to know what that is first, and im not even sure that i can do it even after i find out.

i have to start making a resume and portfolio. scary. and buy some professional clothes. i might find a job or something, scaryscaryscary. i wrote a biography for something i wrote the other week and i said "julie wants to be a ballerina when she grows up, but will settle for being a best-selling author." but who even knows if thats what i want. but i was amused by it. and im scared i wont be good enough.

and today when i crawled through the window cause i forgot my keys, i hit my head on that stupid annoying obnoxious board, cause who even knows why its there, and i thought i had a concussion and that i was going to die straight up, and i fell onto my bed and i was thinking to myself that i cant go to sleep, cause i might never wake up because the huge bump on my head hurt osovery bad, but then i fell asleep anyway, but i remember thinking to myself that i was going to die uncomfortably [see above], because i was squished, and i had a burial shroud because i was wrapped up in my white blanket, and im sure i looked like a mummy. but then i woke up and i was pleasantly surprised, but i think i have a bump.
some things, like walls, and heads and situations and people and stuff are hard. and when you smush them together, it hurts.

so: and i need some cookies [and by that i mean cookie dough and i need real food too.] and: i need my skin to be about 5 inches thicker and my heart to be 7 cupfuls of fabric softener softer. ill take the thick skin now, thanks, and ill leave the fabric softener on layaway or something.

Posted 10/4/2005 9:37 PM