{{: something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue :}}

{{ something old }}

from october: i voted today. and i got to wear the sticker on my shirt. it was my first presidential election to vote in, so it was extra exciting. hurrah. the lady asked me if i knew how to fill in the ballot and i said "um. fill in the circles completely?' and i got it wrong. we have arrows. of course. but i think i could have figured it out without her 4 minutes of instruction that followed my wrong answer. i should have told her to stop forcing her beliefs about how to fill out the ballot on me, cause that was discrimination or something.
and i felt like a really real author for the very first time this week. we were sitting around this table in class and these people were discussing all these authorial things about my work. it was crazy. apparently i [at least usually] have a 'style' :O it was really crazy.
i need to read more. and be less stupid. and less selfish. and bake more. and write more. and be kind more. and pray more. and be less stubborn about stupid stuff.
maybe i need to start keeping a list for those things.
[i love the smell of clean laundry. but i could live without having to do the laundry to get the smell.]
phrase of the week / year / restofmylife: 'i suck. i need Jesus.'

from december: [im glad for real smiles
and smiles that are smiled in the dark so you can barely even see them
and almost smiles
and remembered smiles
and smiles that are saved for later [cause later will come soon i s h l y ]]

from march: im changing my life all around i think. or my life is changing itself all around. or--something. i miss what was, what could have been. but in a year i will be missing different things. sheesh--in 7 weeks i will be missing different things most likely. plusalso, im kindofsortof excited about change. its like clear koolaid--it could be vodka or water, you arent quite sure and you wrinkle your nose at it. but then surprise! its really yummy koolaid thats probably watermelon flavored or something else yummy and you smile at it and its super exciting. maybe.
what will be saved is what is worth being saved. i verymuch want to keep whats worth keeping and get rid of all that is not.
letting go is a p r o c e s s [as is redemption] and there is no rush. but i have been given things to do [ ! ]. i must do them and i must be focused and balanced. and i absolutely must remember that i am not superwoman.

from june: there is potential [in theory anyway] for me to have a quality relationship [of any sort] with far more people than i currently do. its not because i cant remember all of their names, i could. so then, is it only through circumstance that i dont? or is there more of a personality or values, or looks or something else, or some conflict that goes beyond what would initially seem to be the case. any why cant you even always know that. and i want to know why this happens.
"dont expect too much from life, buttercup told herself as she rode along. learn to live
and be satisfied with what you have."
my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. psalm 73.26

from july: i wore lucy ricardo shoes today;
i might possibly be gettting around to being comfortable in my own skin.

ooo child, things are gonna get easier.

{{ something new }}

other person: so they creameated him, but they have to buy a coffin anyway.
me: whys that? that makes no sense.
otherperson: its the law in their state or something, so they can keep track of who died. like if someone killed someone or something, they would know, instead of letting people just burn them up and have no evidence.
me: well, i guess if you were the sort of person who went to the trouble of killing someone and burning them up, you wouldnt be the sort of person to buy a coffin for them anyway.
otherperson: oh, i guess not.
me: *laughing my head off* [and they do too.]

also: how completely weird would it be if we read sdrawkcab or
v
e
r
t
i
c
a
l
l
y

or something. that would be so weird. yes, i know--sentimental, not to mention traditional. gracious. maybe i should move to japan, like my cousin is doing tomorrow or something, to rearrange my world a bit. or maybe not. who knows. who even knows.

and i want to go dancing [!]

its strange to realize that other people are not just like you, and sometimes they arent even sortof like you. newsflash: im not the only [type of] person on the planet.


{{ something borrowed }}

from here: i'm bold and angry and tortured and tremendous and i notice when someone has changed their hair part, or when someone is wearing two very distinctly different shades of black or when someone changes the natural temperament of their voice on the phone. i don't give out empty praise. i'm not complacent or well-adjusted. i can't spend fifteen minutes breathing and stretching and getting in touch with myself. i can't spend three minutes finishing an article. i check my answering machine nine times every day and i can't sleep at night because i feel that there is so much to do and fix and change in the world and i wonder every day if i am making a difference and if i will ever express the greatness within me or if i will remain forever paralyzed by muddled madness inside my head. i've wept on every birthday i've ever had because life is huge and fleeting and i hate certain people and certain shoes and i feel that life is terribly unfair and sometimes beautiful and wonderful and extraordinary but also numbing and horrifying and insurmountable and i hate myself a lot of the time. the rest of the time i adore myself and i adore my life in this city and in this world we live in. this huge and wondrous, bewildering, brilliant, horrible world.

from there: a day, a livelong day, is not one thing, but many. it changes not only in growing light toward zenith and decline again, but in texture and mood, in tone and meaning, warped by a thousand factors of season, of heat or cold, of still or multi winds, torqued by odors, tastes or fabrics of ice or grass, of bud or leaf of black-drawn naked limbs. and as a day changes so do its subjects, bugs and birds, cats, dogs, butterflies and people. [page 13]

{{ something blue }}

tonight i was babysitting and mothers were there before they left and they were discussing new babies eyes, which are, of course, blue, and the probabilities for the color changing or not. my eyes didnt change too much. there may have been a few colors inserted here and there, but not really. mostly still just blue. too bad they arent green--or brown. brown would be good, if i were more tan. but anyway, i was holding this baby and trying to find a toy for it and i was looking for a red one cause i remember that little tiny babies can see red, black and white [like the jokes] best, and im just a good babysitter like that [?] but anyway, i was wondering when it is exactly that we can see more than those colors well. and also--i wish! i could remember that moment where i first discovered that. im sure it was beautiful, and breathtaking. i imagine it was something like us watching wizard of oz now, but better. i wonder what i did when i found out, if i smiled, or if it was so gradual i didnt even notice. it sortof reminds me of the giver. thats a good book.
yes, im sure it was beautiful, just like when babies discover that they have toes.

Posted 8/4/2005 12:34 AM -