"breaking into light"

this was a thinking weekend. starting on thursday when i reorganized at least some of the stockroom at work. you can do a lot of thinking when youre moving dusty boxes around. well, i thought a lot of "how on earth does the stockroom look this bad to begin with?!?!?!" and "theres no where in this whole room to put 48 more boxes of 'rooster with frog, and view' figureines whatsoever" and that was obnoxious, but in between those times i thought of this:
a very long time ago there was a quiz floating around on the internet, and one of the questions was about which fictional characters you would marry. i, of course, do not do internet quizzes very often or maybe never but that question stuck in my head for whatever reason, and then the recent gilmore girls phase [seriously, im getting addicted, and it might be bad. im flipping out about it, mostly; i cant believe what happened last time, really. ok, yeah, pathetic. pathetic, but addicting.] in my life has brought one point into clear focus: luke danes is on that list. so i was thinking about other fictional characters that would make the list and here it is along with location, and in no order whatsoever:
1. luke danes / gilmore girls
2. mr. darcy / pride and prejudice
3. kermit the frog / the muppets
4. ethan hawley / the winter of our discontent
5. gilbert blythe / the anne books & movies
6. nick carraway / the great gatsby
7. corey matthews / boy meets world
8. david eggers / a heartbreaking work of staggering genius

and then, on friday, i was piddling, and i was wandering around everywhere, cause it seems like the thing to do on fridays mostly, at least sometimes, and i thought of what a good strategy it is to wait until you are soooooo hungry to eat things, and then eat just what you want. i did that mostly on accident, cause i was out and about and such, but i didnt eat till like 10pm, but i had decided at about 7 or so that i wanted spaghetti. and then about 730, i decided i might be still hungry if i had just spaghetti, so i should have some cookies for dessert, and i was getting hungry, so i just thought and thought about my spaghetti, and cookies, amonst other stuff, and when i finally got to eat it, it was absolutely the best spaghetti and cookies that i had had nearly all week. amazing. and that is a point, i think.

plus also, i thought of

i am me.

i have strawberryblonde hair, wear a size 6.5 [which they dont make, by the way] and i like hotfudgesundaes. i read books, and love to sleep and laugh and i like pencils and only inky pens and the smell of old books. i am fragile and special and beautiful and clever and things like this. i am also moody and crazy and obnoxious and stuff like that. this is how girls are, and how boys are too, and everybody. but me too. and its ok to be me--just me, and nothing else--because i am me. and everyone sometimes-always gets the crazy idea that its better to be a slightly better, more spruced-up version of the current "me" of whoever they are then and there, and so they do that instead, and thats silly. but i do it to, but i shouldnt. of course, the lucky thing about being me is:

i had a little tea party,
this afternoon at three;
'twas very small,
three guests in all,
just i, myself, and me.
myself ate up the sandwhiches,
while i drank up the tea,
'twas also i
who ate the pie
and passed the cake to me.

also, i love to be read to. i reallyreally do. anything and everything.

and i need to follow my instincts. i have good instincts, maybe-possibly.
and i wish i knew how to dance lots better [thats on the to-do list for life, umhum.]. i decided that maybe dancing is like learning a language, and you can probably only learn it by doing it. i bet a lot of things are that way, hrm.

and on saturday, i saw some ducks. i think i like ducks. my mother and father decorated my nursury in ducks, so maybe its leftover from that or something, but they are funny to watch and happy. and they quack. but i didnt hear them quack because they were sleeping. quack is a very funny sound. i wanted to feed them too, but i didnt. they were sleeping.
and now i want to read make way for ducklings. actually, i want it to be read to me. mmm.
once i knew a girl who had a duck for a pet. they went on walks and stuff and she gave him baths and i think that when i am the aunt-lady-down-the-street who makes cookies and is crazy and scribbling down everything that people ever say thats clever and possibly saying my own clever things and writing them down too, but making money for those, i will obtain a duck. and i will name him something exceptionally witty [i wondered the whole time what the ducks names were that i saw, but there wasnt a sign.] but i dont know what yet. i would probably even build him a pond in my yard. and he will be my duck; and my duck, my fish and my house and i will be happy living there very snugly. im excited about this.

also, i think i decided that memphis is a great town. i like it. [this week, i am decidedly going to see the civil rights museum. im not feeling brave, so im not going to go tomorrow, i dont think. but i am still going this week because its martinlutherkingjuniors birthday, and im reading a book about him, but not actually because its his birthday. i started in october, see, but im not done yet. and i might go to a bluegrass concert there too. yay.] well, actually, i decided that i love cities in general [again] and memphis was the closest one. i like cities: i like busy, i like crowded, i like things to do, i like people. [i made friends with a nine-year-old girl, and we found out that our favorite icecream is chocolate absolutely, but sometimes strawberry too, cause its pink.] [i really, eversomuch wanted to know all of the stories of the people all around.] i decided that when it was warmer i would come back to memphis and fall asleep with the rush and the smells and the sounds and the bridges [oh, i like bridges] all around me and it would be wonderful. but then i remembered that i might get murdered [or at least kidnapped. i am not kidnapped, or dead, actually, as of yet, but i might be if i did that], and i didnt think that either one of those was a fun idea, so i probably wont. but i want to.
i squinted my eyes at the lights a lot, and it was eversopretty.
it reminded me of this poem called naming the stars, which was the actual poem of the day a little while ago. and even though i looked at lights more than stars [i did look at the moon though] it reminded me, and i like it and its pretty:

This present tragedy will eventually
turn into myth, and in the mist
of that later telling the bell tolling
now will be a symbol, or, at least,
a sign of something long since lost.
This will be another one of those
loose changes, the rearrangement of
hearts, just parts of old lives
patched together, gathered into
a dim constellation, small consolation.
Look, we will say, you can almost see
the outline there: her fingertips
touching his, the faint fusion
of two bodies breaking into light.

if i was an artist, i would use charcoal. i like it. im surprised about that, because originally, i thought i would have been more of a painting sort of girl [i love bob ross after all]. and i like to look at paint still, but for using, i like charcoal. i like the in-the-middle-of look that charcoal can have. i also like sketches. this is a good work, also suggesting in the middleness. middle is good because its is more common than beginning or end. middle is the most familiar maybe, probably.
maybe i will use charcoal to write poetry.
life is poetry, mostly. or maybe a tragic, halirious novel, or most probably both all at once.

Posted 1/16/2006 12:39 AM