missinglike

this is not the time to be squeamish about throwing things away. i have all these ambitious thoughts about being such a good packer, and i dont have to leave anything here and all of that. needless to say, i dont think thats going to happen. i am a terrible packer and i like to keep things. i think my goal for the rest of my life is going to have to be throwing away one thing every day that i thought i needed to keep. a few minutes ago, i decided that i should only take home what can fit in my car, but i cant see that working out. 11th grade english has once again come to haunt me--"simplify, simplify, simplify." geh.
oh, i have lots of goals lately. by this time two years from now, i want to have been or on my way to europe. of course, before i do that, ill need a laptop, i think. so i can write things down faster. so theres another goal. [gah, and then theres the question of whether i should get a mac or PC. at this point, im pretty much adapted to either one, so i really really dont know. i am torn.] although, the thought of visiting europe is puzzling--do you go lots of places because its cheap, and youre in europe for heavens sakes, and you ought to go everywhere you can while you can? or do you stay relatively put for a couple of weeks and really get a feel for whichever city you chose? i dont know. i would imagine that i would start out intending to stay in one place and then when i get there i would realize and then go everywhere.

i have my summer reading list all started, and i cant wait to read them. i think i will start ballet lessons again. but i might wait until fall, so i can still take vacations and stuff. maybe i will take a roadtrip. i have been getting a lot of rocks in my flipflops lately. i dont know how that works out. i dont have any scotch tape either. i dont know how that works out. i need to remember that throwing things away is not bad. its good. i need to not be scared of remembering. and i need to remember the right kinds of things. and: if anyone wants to come help me pack, i will not be opposed.

i am so so very afraid of having no friends once i go home. and this time, im stuck there, for at least a while, so its not like i can just be like "o well, no friends for summer. lucky for me i'll have them in the fall again" because im mostly sure i wont be back?, except for here and there. and i know that i will talk to my friends that i already have and stuff and i have my best friends from highschool there, but they are busy and i dont see them that much. there really is just something to be said for people who can keep up and who are on the same wavelength. and are in the same place. so if you want to be my friend in illinois, i will let you and it will be happy. and if you want to be my friend on IM or email or whatever, please feel free.! i will still be happy; im a word girl. and ill probably even talk to you and write back, even if i dont know you. unless you're creepy. then, maybe not so much.
oh, and i will miss my own space. and going places when i want to and if i feel like eating hotfudge for dinner, then eating it for dinner. you just can do those things at home sometimes. and i will miss being alone. i mean, i am alone at home sometimes, but it is a different kind of alone. im not sure i can explain exactly.
now that i have completed 4 years of college, i have everything i need--if i were to come back in the fall, i wouldnt have to buy curtains or hangers or nails or a chair or any of those annoying things that you need and should have and dont at the beginning of every semester. but i dont need them anymore. and thats sad. but i feel dumb getting rid of them because of its mine, and it goes with me. you know?
right now, i have all matching hangers. white plastic, walmart. they cost like 4 cents. and most everyone i know has generally the same. i want to know when and how you get to the point where you cease to have matching hangers in life. i mean, how does that even happen? if i get to that point, i will be sad. im not too organized or anything, but the white hangers are something i can count on.

and let me just say that i have a thing for boxing. im not sure if i would really like it if i went to go see an actual boxing match or something, but that one book i read about boxing? i loved it. and i watched a movie about it the other day, and it was really lovely too. [i think now would be the time to watch his boxing movie, because now i can appreciate it. boxing, like writing and loving and so many other things, comes from the inside out. you have to keep your eyes open and move quickly. you have to stay on your feet. most of all, you have to watch, with your eyes open and then let it come up from deep inside of you.
"i learned three important things in college: to use a library, to memorize quickly and visually, to drop asleep at any given time given a horizontal surface and fifteen [two?] minutes. what i could not learn was to think creatively on schedule." ah, no matter. i will keep writing, i suppose. and when i get home, im going to start sending out manuscripts.


i dont feel like ive changed enough to leave.
but there will be leaving. i mean, some people come to college and grow up. they know what they want to do and they get married and stuff. im not getting married and i still dont know quite what im doing. i forgot how to write academic papers mostly, and i can almost write poems, but one should never go to into debt to become a poet. [lets just pause and say that i have never known a mr. rogers that i didnt love. this mr. rogers, and probably the last one, changed my life and the way i write and everything.] so, im not really sure what i accomplished, really. i dont feel like im done growing, which, of course, im not. but i wish i felt a little more comfortable and settled with how im turning out. theres so much i want to be and do and see and write and tell.

if i have left you without saying goodbye, its because i dont know what to say, and i hate to cry. not because i dont want to. and this ways its more like see you later. and thats happier. and really, i dont know what to say. i feel like there are so many things i should say, but i dont know what they are.

i want chocolate milk and waffle house and i want to cuddle and watch a good movie. and i didnt mean for this to be all weird or whatever. im not terriblyterribly sad, per se, [just a little] but mostly just unsure and kindof wobbly. and something clever will come soon, maybe?

yes, i will miss this. and you.

Posted 5/19/2006 2:55 PM