and then, my car broke.

::: right now, i have all matching hangers. white plastic, walmart. they cost like 4 cents. and most everyone i know has generally the same. i want to know when and how you get to the point where you cease to have matching hangers in life. i mean, how does that even happen? if i get to that point, i will be sad. im not too organized or anything, but the white hangers are something i can count on. :::

and then, just like that, i left them. i didnt think i was going to have room in my car [it was so full, sososo full.] and i put them in a trash bag and gave them away because i didnt think they would fit. the trouble is now, of course, i think they might have. there was nothing inside my trashcan [golly, i love my trashcan.] and i think they would have fit inside of it just perfectly. or at least perfectly enough to get home. but i didnt think i needed them; i thought that they were just hangers. i could get new hangers. it could be this great symbolic gesture or something. i dont know what i was thinking, actually.
needless to say, in about 5 minutes of driving, i suddenly realized that i was crazydumb for getting rid of them, and i want them back. im working on getting them back right now. i dont know what it is, really, cause i could go right now to walmart and get some that are exactly completely the same, but theres something about those. they are mine, and i want those. i imagine i sound like a 2-year-old about something so completely dumb as hangers, but there it is. i am traditional, maybe, if not sentimental, no matter how much i try to avoid that particular flaw.

and then my car broke. in st. louis. thankfully, happily, awkwardly, unconventionally [and probably even providentially], its fixed. [there are some things you can only laugh about, and this was one of them. but i dont even think it was really funny.] and when i was there, we went to the zoo. i got sooo sunburned, rode the train, and saw like 1000 animals, except for the lions. he was noooooowhere to be found, so i think he escaped. and also, the kangaroo wouldnt even hop one bit. i saw giraffes too, and we stood soo close to them. i was almost as tall as the newborn giraffe, and the grown ones are the tallest things ever. it was amazing. you can tell the girl elephants from the boy because they have bigger hips for real, which is funny, [among other reasons too, like males have tusks and girls dont. we were walking behind a couple of 6th grade [or so] boys near the asian elephant display [the african elephants were nowhere to be found either, but i dont think they were supposed to be there, unlike the lions, who were lost.] and the one boy wanted to know if the asian elephants had slanty eyes. ah. all those kids at the zoo were mostly cute and funny with all the animals, but i think 6th grade boys are something else, but also funny. so, you know.
the absolute weirdest thing i saw though was the giant anteater. ive heard about anteaters for all my life [born in texas, relatives are still there and everything.] and you just hear about anteaters. but this was the weirdest looking thing ive probably ever seen. it looked like an R.O.U.S. and the tail looked like it came from yankee doodle. it was insane, and i could not get over it. still cant.
and i like ducks. but if i were a bird, i dont know which one i would be. its hard to say.
what made me unhappiest of all [well, really the only thing that made me unhappy. the zoo is a happy place.] is all of these signs all over the zoo all about the endangered species, and thats okay. i mean, i have nothing against the endangered species, but i was just thinking of all of the people that die and stuff everyday. and they are doing so much to make sure that children know that some weirdo warthog or something might be going extinct, but they didnt say anything about the all the children that are dying everyday in africa. and i realize that its not the zoo's job to take up humanitarian causes, but i just thought those priorities were a little misplaced, or so.

books on tape are a marvelous invention. it occured to me that i dont acually know how to write a cover letter, and i need to learn. i have a drastic poem revision in my head, but it hasnt come to anything useful yet. you know, ive only been home for maybe 28 hours and already ive had to tell people that im not going to be a teacher, and that i dont know what im doing, but maybe sometimes i know where commas go and i can sometimes write a poem. its depressing. poetry is not highly valued, really, which makes the prospects of things a little dreary. but if there were two classes that i was super glad i took this semester it was 1) poetry and 2) reading out loud class. i was reading a wrinkle in time to my sisters tonight, which is lovely anyway, but i felt rather confident in doing the voices and such. and the best thing is, you dont even have to be drastic to do that, just a little change does the trick for simple reading out loud. performing is different, of course. but its so much fun! reading outloud is lovely [when you dont trip over all the words] and being read to is lovely, it makes you hear [no pun intended] things in a completely different way.
anyway, one of the quotes in the book i was listening to on the way home said something like "you know, we're all crazy. everybody. and we flatter ourselves to think we are the only ones who are crazy." and sometimes, i believe that[!] but sometimes, i wish people would be a little more crazy. just so i dont think im not the only one. maybe its just that the crazy people all live in different towns, and mostly just normal people live here, but i dont know. i think my parents think im crazy for wanting crazier people to talk to, but its something i cant quite explain. and there i am flattering myself, thinking that im crazier [in whatever sense of the word that i am, im not sure.] than everyone here. and im sure thats not acually the case, because it cant be the case. and then i feel all dumb and completely irrationally not to mention unnecessarily arrogant i wish i was 834 smidgins more insighful into the human psyche.

for like the 19834123 time, it seems like i had something else i was going to say, but i forget what else, except for now its time to unpack, and try to get even almost settled. i have all these ridiculous goals: do pilates or something / lose 6 pounds. subscribe to magazines that will remind/inspire me. read a million books. organize. simplify. pray. find something to wear. be able to paint the nails on my right hand as easily as i can the ones on my left. brush up on my spanish--as in be able to hold a real live conversation with someone. learn enough french to get by if i went to paris. remember how to cook. get my resume and portfolio in order. invest in some handkerchiefs. get my hangers back. buy manilla envelopes and stamps. buy some scotch tape. goodness knows i need it.
i feel like i should do something useful, and have big, important goals: change the world or something. then again, i know about commas and poems. so, nevermind. silly goals it will be then. and then if.and.or.when i manage to do something not absolutely ridiculously silly, it will be a surprise. a happy one. and who doesnt like surprises?

currently reading: she's come undone / wally lamb [audio books]

Posted 5/23/2006 11:26 AM