something, im sure.

so i have a new life goal: to become mrs. basil e. frankweiler. i bought a filing cabnet [retro, tan, $15 at walmart] and i have been filing and filing everything i even own. its amazing. [and im tired of filing already, but im quite sure ill like it again when im done]. of course when im like 80, think of all the things i will have filed by then, and i will have learned and heard and thought about all kinds of things--all the things in those files--, and thats a pretty weird thing to think of. right now, i am up to my ears in manilla file folders. its quite something.
::: if those files are secrets, and if secret make you different on the inside, then you insides, Mrs. Frankweiler. must be the most mixed-up, the most different insides i've ever seen. or any doctor has ever seen, either.:::
[i seem to have a lot of files, and i dont feel that different yet. hrm. maybe someday.]

and! i bought a chair. a perfecly lovely brown leather[ish? im pretty sure its not real leather]-with-wooden-arms/legs chair for $10 at a yardsale. its terribly sad that i do not have a house in which to put my files and my chair, and seeing as my car is still full of all my stuff, thats out too. well, i mean i have a house, but its not mine. i just live in it. you know.
[but i am rearranging my part of it.]

my pastor on sunday was sub-sub-pointedly talking about having a healthy soul. i wonder what that exactly consists of?

summer is so weird. its busybusy, but doing what? at the end of the day, i can hardly remember. maybe its the heat. i just feel more productive at school, maybe. and im scared because i dont think ive ever really written anything at home before. what if the only place i can write anything i can jackson? that would be really sad. i mean, what is it about a person, exactly, that makes them able to write and carry on conversations and be interesting and all of that? adrienne rich would say its because everybody is a lesbian on the inside and even the men cant avoid it, because they were born from mothers [or somesuch nonsense,] and thats where people get the creative impulse. [but--of course they were born from mothers; they can hardly help it, so that doesnt explain anything.] so i dont think thats quite right. maybe somthing about that part of the brain "where love and hunger meet" maybe, but im not so sure. there has to be something. maybe its just a gift, straight up.
and isnt it crazy that so many things mean. i mean, im not willing to go so far as to say that every single little kicked pebble that my sisters and i kicked when we were walking down the side of the street is vastly important in the grand scheme of things, [not that im saying that God didnt know about it and all of that.], and maybe if we could see, then it might mean for us. wouldnt it be crazy if we could see that deeply? and what if we had planned things out instead of God? i think i would see about making the order of seasons different every year, just for a change of pace. like one year it could be summer, spring, winter, fall. and then the next it would be summer, winter fall, spring.
maybe i shouldnt be in charge.
[i wonder what else i would change, if i was going to change things? i think im pretty content with things as they are?. i dont know.]
i planted flowers tonight, well, i planted flower seeds and can i just say that dirt is so pretty? i mean, im not a huge fan of dirt or anythintg, and i washed my hands right off, but it smells good. and its so dark and rich and full of possibility of life. i like it. and im excited about my flowers too: impatiens, coreopsis and cosmos. what names.

today i was filling out a job application and they asked me what kind of machinery i was able to opperate. what on earth did they mean? microwaves? alarm clocks? tractors? bulldozers? pluging in computers and driving cars? i had no idea. im not sure machinery is quite my thing. o well. but i really want a staple gun. i cant tell you how much. i have my tool box and everything, and its like my favorite thing ever, and i have two sets of jumper cables, and a glue gun, but i dont have a staple gun. and that is a serious problem, because you can do like everything with a staple gun. and come to think of it, i might be out of duct tape too; i know im out of scotch tape. boo.

ive decided i need a puzzle. a really great one. and i will glue it together when i am done.

here are some things that i like: sleeping, books, strawberries, lemon and fresh linen and freshly cut grass smells, canvas, inky pens, and porches. also, ceiling fans.

it always puzzles me to read people's xangas, and other things too, when they say something to the effect of "oh, i have nothing to say," because i always have something to say, even if i dont. but usually, i do, and then i talk my head off for a while and i still have more to say.
so all of this to say--something, im sure.

Posted 5/29/2006 10:56 PM - email it