the courage to be imperfect.

so, the womens fashion industry is rather completely illogical.

{[one of] the proof[s]:} so last week, i was getting ready to go home to go to this wedding, and im freaking out because i have nothing to wear, of course [because at this stage in my life, i shop rather from event to event rather then having set and defined wardrobe possibilities and going from there.] and im freaking out, at least a little because its a goodfriend from highschool and college's wedding, so who even knows who all will be there, [probably everyone] so i probably ought to look at least decently alright, just on principle. so i piddle around stores for ages and ages and finally i found this great navy dress--and its great!, and a pretty good deal and great--and so i bought it, and looked at accessories for a minute, found a $8 handbag that i could modify to be really cute, and it went with the dress, and the shoes i thought i might wear that i already owned. so i was set, with time to spare. and i called my mother to share the good news, and she said that i absolutely couldnt wear burgendy shoes with navy. ladies didnt do that, we wear navy shoes with navy clothes. i told her that i had been shopping for like a week and there were no navy shoes in the entire city, and i made her ask the ladies who were at our house when i called what color shoes they suggested, and they all said navy. i said thats silly, what i have looks great. but then the ladies said they were going to bring me all their navy shoes so i could see them [i think i have a talent for letting everyone share in all my disasters with me. see list below]. so i get home and i look at them and they are all hideous, and old women shoes, and i said this wont do at all. im wearing burgendy shoes. and my father said i will not allow you to go out of the house like that, you'll look ridiculous. and i said but daddy you wear budgendy shoes when you wear a blue suit. im wearing them. the end.
but then, they decided that i should go look at one more shoe place just in case, but i had to go in the morning when they opened. i was there right when they opened, and there were no navy shoes of course, and then i saw 3 people from highschool working there and then i locked my keys in my car and i wasnt even dressed yet, and i only had like half an hour to the wedding, and daddy had to come rescue me and i had to runrunrun to finish getting ready in 4 minutes, and i wore the burgendy ones. and i looked pretty or something.
and then the next day at church, daddy wore a navy suit and he wore burgendy shoes. and i said see.

so the point is that if one clothes company is going to make something so specific as navy or fuschia or whatever, then maybe they should check to see that there is something to go with it. and also, there should be a book or something that has all the possibilities for coordination with each color. so that way, a girl would know once and for all if it is permissible to wear, for example, gold or silver or pearls with said navy, and what shoes really do match. and all of that without having to consult mother and mothers friends and roommates and sister and sisters roommates and random women in the store, and the store clerks everytime you want to wear something. it would really save a lot of time. {end proof.}

although, let me just say that im beginning to be impressed with my sewing skills. i have no sewing skills to speak of, actually, but this is the second dress that i have bought because i have loved it, but it didnt fit quite right somewhere. so i altered them.[!] and you cant even tell! be impressed, cause i sure am.

in other news, and im not even that great with grammar and spelling and such, [goodness, today i cant spell to save my life.] but here is one thing that i have recently noticed that really is obnoxious [not like i cant stand it, because i have a superhigh tolerence level, but still!]: when someone is talking or writing [actually, this seems to happen on IM a lot] and they leave out the verb, but include the subject, which is very often the understood you. so it goes from: "are you going to watch that movie on TV tonight?" to "you going to watch that movie on TV tonight?" and im not entirely sure why, but goodness, that really grates on my nerves. they should just type out the whole thing. come on, its three more letters. but i mean, if they are going to be lazy enough to leave out the are, then they should also be lazy enough to leave out the you, making the sentence read "going to watch that movie on TV tonight?" which is perfectly understandable and nice just as it is. also, it shows a certain amount of confidence in the reader, because you, then, are assuming that they can understand that yes, they are being referred to in that understood kind of sense. gah. and maybemaybe thats just personal preference, and its really perfectly correct. but i dont know.
but of course, i need to brush up on my sentences, because i keep ending my sentences with them on accident.

the world is funny. on my way home, i saw a buffalo herd in alamo, TN, and a giant truck full of pigs, and a hugehuge statue of an elephant, and then a couple hours later, theres one of a chicken. and then theres this "lady of the snows" shrine somewhere, and i havent seen it, but theres all of these signs for it all the time, and i really want to go see it, cause what even is that? its weird and stuff. if i was going to be a lady of something, i wouldnt pick snow. and i pass practically right under the st.louis arch, and i know how it works, but its just crazy that it really does. and people are funny.
and then theres a its funny how we surprise each other; its funny how i surprise myself. i keep learning these new things about how i am, and operate, and such, and i keep being surprised, but i dont know why cause its just the same as i used to be too.
and apparently people are not like me. and i realized this, of course, and everyone is different, and i knew that, but i thought that some things, at least, were universal, but apparently not. that surprises me. and it surprises me which things are universal for real instead. but im not sure if this makes sense.
also, sometimes i drive myself crazy. but sometimes i like me too. most days its a mix.

i feel behind today. probably because i am. thursdays are happy days, because even if you are behind, soon you can catch up. and i get so mad at myself that when theres a lot to do, i flip out and just sit, or run around in circles. both of which are stupid and nonhelpful and irritating. thank heavens for my roommate, who told me one thing at a time. which is, of course, exactly what i need to remember.! i actually need to buy a timer, too. and also, that there are more important things than school, and dying and everything. goodness, how many things are important to me that i forget about on a daily basis.
so im going to make browines today. that will help, probably. and! apparently though, i look like i need hugs, cause ive gotten a lot lately, for no apparent reason. [sometimes boys are just sweet. sometimes obnoxious as heck, etc.etc. but sometimes they are so sweet.] and im not complaining; ill take them, the hugs, i mean.

heres a happy thought for a rainy day [courtesy of AIM]:
me: i dont think you'll melt ;)
him: i hope not
me: it would be tragical i think, and a really weirdo way to die
him: i believe so
me: could they bury you? or if you melted, would you leave a puddle behind, or would it be more along the disolving lines?
him: i doubt it. i'd probably leave a puddle, but if it was raining hard, i think it would all wash away
me: oh, that would be sadder
me: but then!
me: you would evaporate, and then you could go to china or soemthing
me: or someone would drink you chemically distilled and such, if they even do that over there.

[i told my mother something like that just the other day. she did not find it as amusing as i did.] but it sortof reminds me of the steadfast tin soldier, somehow. which is, of course, one of my most favoritest stories. mmm, stories. its snuggly weather, i think.

today smells of evergreens, and rain and the faint remnants of chinese takeout.
my sheets smell of baby lotion, the botanical kind which smells goodgood, cause i accidently left it open after i used it, and then it spilled.

i mostly refuse to say things like: "im so random." and similar phrases. for other people to claim it for you is one thing, but to say it yourself? that is nonhelpful, maybe not true and telling. show dont tell! [plus, its just irritating.] tell me something real about you--be more clever, and honest about yourself, please. and also, what if you arent? i had a roommate one time who said this constantly. but in all actuality, she was the most predictable person ever. i knew what was going to come out of her mouth next at any given moment almost, and im not even very observant. thats probably where my irritation came from. this happens with other phrases too: "you'll just have to come read to see how awesome i am." and the like. please.
but it might be like my shoes: i know im not cool enough for real converses or whatever, so i make a point not to wear them. but i have some very fake ones from target, because sometimes you jsut want to be emo-ish or whateverwhatever, you know. but if no one else knows its fake, does it count, or do they just think im pathetic cause they too know im not that cool?
sometimes i feel funny because sometimes i do things that i want to be or wish that i did, instead of things that i actually am right here and now. i dont know if im just hoping that it will help me be more of what i hope that to become, or what. is that cheating, or lying or something? i dont know if this even makes sense, but im just saying.

we are supposed to be girls, not human interest pieces. [--molly, age 9. ]

i am learning how to be a girl--a real girl.
nevermind the extra 4 pounds, nevermind whether my shoes match exactly, nevermind the rest of it too, because it is not blessed are you if you do these things. nope. i need to remember this muchly.
but also, that doesnt mean that i have to give up the other parts of me--all those apparently quirky things that make me me. the interesting and clever and pretty and obnoxious and mean and the 4 pounds and everything --because it all goes together! [if we could just figure out how.] and that is a clever thing. so i am working on learning how to work with myself, rather than against myself, maybe?
maybe one of the keys is balancing everything until it completes the whole. it is hard, but it might be lovely. in fact, i think it will be, but pretty much not until laterlaterlater.
so much more to say about this. maybe not now.
maybe its something like "beauty in the breakdown.":
it takes a certain amount of courage to be imperfect.

Posted 3/9/2006 3:53 PM -