[the world offers itself to your imagination]

it has been an unexpected week. my goodness. not that i didnt expect this week to happen, because i did. but unexpected things happened this week. you know.

my blinds are open, and its so windy. its making lots of noises. but just now i gave up and opened them. it makes my room hot because it is hot outside, but i like to let the nighttime in. even if i dont have my woods and drunk men anymore.
here is a poem that i do not entirely agree with, because maybe you should be good and repent sometimes, but it meant something to me this week, regardless:

wild geese
you do not have to be good.
you do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
you only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
tell me about dispair, yours, and i will tell you mine.
meanwhile, the world goes on.
meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the praries and the deep trees,
and the mountains and the rivers.
meanwhile, the whold geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

this week was confusing. things that are fine, were not fine and things that should not be fine, were. and things were weird, and backwards, and one minute i was feeling one way, and the next completely another. not even like mood swings, cause thats not what they were, just something else. and i couldnt decide if i am how i am supposed to be [not how i want to be, mind you. but rather: maybe i shouldnt write? maybe my hair should be longer? maybe i should move to new zealand? or give blood? maybe.maybe.maybe-s all over the place.] and i dont know what i mean by that really, but there it is. and i know where who i am ought to be found, of course, but that is hard, and im not really sure exactly what it means in real life. all i know is what they say in sunday school, and im not sure that always translates neatly, or even at all. although it should.[!]

lucky for me, internet quizzes exist for just this reason.
my inner hair color is brunette ["you are mysterious and alluring]. i am a converse shoe ["because you like them and look good in them."] i am pocahontas ["mysterious."] if i were a sharpie, i would be turquoise ["follow the rainbow next time you see it."] if i were a constellation, i would be cygnus, the swan. ["you're the elegance and grace of the constellations"] i should be a comic writer ["you have plenty of material"], and i am mud pie ["perfect combination of flavor and depth."] isnt it funny how these things are never like "congratulations! you suck as a person, and at life. most people hate you. 838733 took this quiz. 2% of people got this result" they are always complimentary. but not always wrong, i dont think. for example, i got this result for one of them: "Your inner self has really nice eyelashes, and you know a good wink is worth a thousand words. Emoticons bug you, because ; ) is such a poor substitute for the real thing." and thats true! [well, i dont hate them, i just do think the real thing is super much better.] and i do have a thing for mascara.
alright i just wasted 35 minutes of my life taking quizzes for the purposes of this paragraph. well, i took one for fun, and then i got addicted. you know. but still 35 minutes wasted. just like that time i watched titanic. gag me with 69 spoons.

one thing i want to know is when its okay to talk about things and process things and work through things, and when they just need to be buried, or let go or both. it cant be healthy to keep everything inside all the time and stuff, but at the same time, whats the use of dragging it all out and everything until you feel sure that you are "over it" and all of that?

last week was national sleep awareness week. i dont think i was aware enough. at all.
but apparently i should do more things when i just wake up, because your brain is all clear. thats when i need to write my thesis. ah hah!

i need to think of more things. in the real way. and read more.
i ran around in the tornado rain last night. i got wet.

"in my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that i've been turning over in my mind ever since. 'whenever you feel like criticizing any one,' he told me, 'just remember that all the people in this world havent had all the advantages that you've had."
i thought of the beginning of gatsby this week because in my group that i was leading there was a girl who said she had just gotten married so her nametag wasnt right anymore. and then, in the middle of the session i was conducting, it hit me that she was a junior in highschool [meaning probably 16 years old], pregnant and she just got married. and it just hit me crazy weird. i mean, she can barely even drive a car, and here she is tackling two of the biggest things in life. and plus highschool. and thats something completely different. i cant imagine getting married right now and i am 21, let alone pregnant. eventually? absolutely. but not just yet. and i was impressed at her, and sorry for her and mad at me all at once because i was ungracious in my mind when she was being difficult. when really, it was expected--she was pregnant and all. i am rarely what i mean to be.

nevermind, i dont know what im saying, exactly.
maybe i should eat a cookie [rolie-polie-snickerdoodles [what a name! but they are osogood]] and go to sleep. yes.

Posted 4/2/2006 8:50 PM