my. oh. my.

my. oh. my.
im making myself do this. because it has to be done, because my brain is getting crowded. my choices were to give up and sleep, or give up and write, and somehow this seemed like the more immediate need. but i dont know how that happened, because sleep is always more immediate. but i can sleep when im dead or something and i wont be able to write then. not that ive been able to write lately anyway, but i dont know why.
i was soo hungry for chinese food on sunday, and i got some, and it was the best. it really was.

im not sure if this is embarrassing, but i am embarrassed by it regardless, so i dont know why im saying it, but here it is.
so, on two monday nights, the basement at my house flooded. a lot, but not all, but a lot, of my stuff was in the basement.
my stuff got flooded, probably.
i like stuff. and i am sad that it got flooded. and i cried, a little.
i am embarrassed for crying at all about it. it. is. just. stuff. [but my perfect, wonderful, lovely, sentimental stuff.] people have lost lots more stuff than that before. and things might not even be that ruined, we dont know yet quite. and i shouldnt waste my tears on things that dont matter. unfortunately, thats what happens when or if i cry. [im not a cry-er [crier?] you know.]
[but sometimes tears come, but we dont even know why. maybe thats good? or maybe they come for the wrong things. i hate crying. but maybe its more okay than i realize.]

i wrote a poem. and its almost the prettiest thing i ever wrote maybe, but its not. it needs lots and lots of help, but i dont even know what to do to it, and other people arent being helpful either, because things that they absolutely hate, other people love. so its a confusing business and i think im flipping out about it.[!] [and if you are even almost good at editing, i would love for you to tell me everything thats wrong with it, and everything. pleasepleaseplease?!?] also, im becoming less shy about using the exclamation mark and i wouldnt hardly ever use it just straight up, but now i feel okay about it.
and i love how a line i wrote [on here, even] like 7 months ago or something ended up in the poem. that sort of thing makes me happy.
and just in case people didnt know: i do, in fact, know how to write things for real too.

i think i sleep too much. and thats like the saddest thing ive ever written. and whats sadder is that i think i have to do something about it, because i just have too much to do. i mean, i was getting my resume looked at by career services, and one of the sweetest women in the world [maybe? its hard to say about those things, you cant just assign someone arbitrary values like that] looked at me and told me that i had a full plate. and i said yes ma'am. and there is more i want to do. so something has got to go. and also, i think ill stop tutoring, maybe, at least for school. but i need to stop being so indulgent with myself. and thats hard, because i like it. but im pretty sure that personal sacrifice and discipline is the way to get somewhere and stuff.

ive been thinking about Gods purposes lately. hm. what are they, exactly? not like his purpose in existing or something, but rather his purposes for us. and how are we supposed to hold fast to them? and i know the catachism answer, so tell me something new. if there is anything new. there might not be, i understand.
actually, i guess i want to know how.
i want to know how about a lot of things.

and i want to know why about a lot of things too.

i like dark chocolate!
i almost need a new notebook. like in 4 pages. i like it when this happens. except for about 19 pages of the new notebook i dont like it. but i do think it was smart of me to combine all my paper journals into one: the sermon notebook, and prayer and diary and poetry and ideas and random notes to self. it makes me happy and it cuts down on a lot of numbers of journals. and its more like life, you know? things shouldnt be so compartmentalized, because they really arent.
other things that make me happy include, but are not limited to:

snow, board games [which i think they should rename them bored games,
because sometimes you play them when you are bored and they are not always
on a board. either way, its like a little funny pun.], and scrabble, spoiling myself
[which just should happen sometimes, and thast just all there is to it. but maybe i
do it too much? most likely. but more on this later. but like on friday, i bought a cd, a
magazine, and some dark chocolate hershey kisses.[!] and that made me soso
happy.] and hotchocolate, and letter writing, and good stories, and friends, and
slumber parties, and good poem critiques and waffle house, and snuggling,
conversations and people [lots of them, but i was thinking tonight about have i
ever met or watched a person named george that i didnt like? i dont think so.
georges must be happy people. but oh, just people in general are fascinating!]
and songs/poems with julie in it are happyhappyhappy too. and sleeping late. and also, some other things, but i cant think of them just now.


also, i like summer smells. february is a good time to miss summer smells, and i do. like lemon and mowed grass and stuff. i will try to remedy that soon, like tomorrow maybe. tonight it smelled like summer rain, anyway. thats what reminded me.
"theres no chance or fortune beyond the moon." my.

i forget that things do not always have to be a beautiful, perfect, much. some things can be. but some things one can just let go. or delegate. or just not do. or wait till later. and it will be okay.
and also, Jesus did not say that martha was wrong for doing things because things must be done after all, but just that mary choose what was better, and what was lasting, and what is all we need. and that is a point, i think.
how hard it is to be uncontent and content at the same time, and i think that that is what is asked of us, maybe? to keep growing and working and perservering and trying eversohard but at the same time, just sit and enjoy and love and see beautiful things and breathe.
old things are good to remember sometimes.
"do the next thing. it does not matter
how it hurts as long as it
gives God the chance to
manifest himself in your mortal flesh."
oh, yeah.
we pick funny things for burdens.
i need to invest me into things more, but thats scary. and i feel like i do it so much already, but its still not exactly enough. thats weird. and honest is scary. trying again is scary. what to do next is scary. heck, even getting your hair cut is scary.

[random comment by whatsherface after a song from chapel on wednesday]
"sometimes, things become a different sort of beautiful than you expect, and sometimes that hurts. and theres an intimacy that comes in the sanctifying and in knowing that your Father is [still!] good.
theres a sweet resolution that comes in letting go."

things are not like i expected.

i love talking to people who make me think. and i am osovery thankful for when they remind me of things i need to hear, even if its on accident. and [real] friends are so...necessary. and good. good for the soul. just like hotfudge i approve of having them. all of them. hooray.

i also love learning how things work. i will be forever and ever grateful to him for showing me about howstuffworks.com. its my newest favoritest thing ever. because i have learned about things that i have always always wanted to know, and there are pictures and its soo cool. and theres a lot more i still have to learn from there. [i learned today that someone invented the dustpan. thats so weird. that should be one of those things that was just always around. and also, if someone else hadnt invented, say, the refridgerator or something, dont you think someone else would have eventually? or some ideas just strictly people specific?] and thats exciting too. oh, and i have decided that asking questions is a really good idea. i have asked some experts some things lately, and they have answers for you. so thats mostly my new thing: i have talked to phone professionals, and biology professors [if you want a good story, ill tell you this one] and this week, i will talk to ballet professionals. and they know things, and tell you all about it, and its soo cool. its my newest other favorite thing ever.

and heres a poem [by emily dickinson] and notes [by my professor in his journalbook. he just shared]:

There are two Ripenings--one--of sight--
Whose forces Spheric wind
Until the Velvet product
Drop spicy to the ground--
A homelier maturing--
A Process in the Bur--
That teeth of Frosts alone disclose
In far October Air.

NOTE: "bur"--a rough prickly core around the seed of
some plants. an earlier version was ordered into two quatrains;
"round" was rhymed with "ground"--Dickinson's revisions
moved toward slant rhmye rather than away from it.
The less showy ripening occurs inside the husk, inside ourselves
and will not be revealed until some distant time.
The exterior ripening is showier, more vulnerable,
occurs earlier, and is ended by a fall to the earth. The
second ripening is longer, occurs at home, is associated
with actual flavor (the fuit is bitten by the "teeth" of winter),
goes undisclosed until death. My.

My. indeed.

Posted 2/17/2006 3:02 AM