occurences unto me

so i had a brilliant revelation just now: its o.k.a.y. to write something that is not what i wanted. because i have all these things in my head that are important, or at least they are to me and for this moment. and i need to write them because things will be more settled after i do [maybe [?]. because because. and also because i might have exploded or something if i didnt, maybe. and thats never fun. well, or maybe not. and i could explain that all if i had to, but i think im skipping it. [thank heavens i was thinking of anne lamont and her wonderfully freeing concept of how first drafts should be.[if you want to know, ill tell you.] otherwise, im sure i'd still be stuck, because writing is eversohard! and mostly i want things like this to be perfect and this is not how i want these to be, but here they are. [ah hah! a list! and then ah hah! it can be a crap list.] probably soon, they will be around again, somehow more like what i intended. i need directions to perfection. [oh. no, no, no, no.]
so, here:

occurences unto me:

1. it is such a lovely moment when the thing-you-thought-you-wanted becomes only the
thing-you-thought-you-wanted. [and not what you really wanted or even needed.]
it is really and truly lovely. and the great thing is that you can talk yourself in and out of that stuff like in 2 seconds, so you can have that moment more than once.
and then this comes next:
steps to contentment
1. allow thyself to complain of nothing, not even the weather.
2. never picture thyself under any circumstance in which thou art not.
3. never compare thy own lot with that of another.
4. never allow thyself to dwell on the wish that this or that had been, or were
otherwise than it was / is. God almighty loves thee better and more wisely than
thou dost thyself.
5. never dwell on the morrow. remember--it is Gods, not thine. the heaviest part of
sorrow is often the look forward to it. "the Lord will provide."
oooh. such a happy sort of promise in #5.
this is coming, i feel rather sure. i am not uncontent, certainly. but i am not quite sure i am entirely content yet, either. but i am happy, and busy [and this will be a busy semester] and all of that. and things are just how they should be.

2. i love the smell of clean laundry. and if i can fold sheets like my grandmother and mother one day, that will be a life-goal accomplished, let me tell you. and i was good, and made my bed sooo well today, even though i hate to put sheets on my bed. but i do like new sheets muchly too.
and i love whistling. i wish i could do it better [ i can only do it a little] but it makes me eversohappy when there is whistling involved with things like working, or walmart, or flirting, or driving, or music, or icecream, or anything.
and i love banananutbread. and i really want to make some, but i probably dont get to, but i want to. that is one of those things that i havent ruined yet, ever, knockonwood. and its sooo good. and amazing. and im not even bragging, it really is so good. and its one of my established accomplishments. along with maybe tiptoeing? im good at that. and even when im wearing heels, too, cause i dont let them clomp. ladies should neverever clomp, you know.

3. i have been listening to this cd, as listed, for several days now, and i believe that i like it because 1) its so great 2) i was in the dentist office and i was reading this review of them and it was telling all about how they dress up for concerts. how great is that? suits on men are good. [heres a hint: its hard to find a girl who doesnt like a man in a good suit, or in uniform. but heavens, dont go join the army or something just for that. its not actually important. just wear a suit once in a while or so instead.] also, its too bad its not still normal to do that, cause then girls could dress up everyday and everything would be sexier. and we would all have really good legs. not that im a leg girl, im just saying. anyway, and also, i like it because 3) it fits at the moment. mostly i am changing how i feel about things like every 5 minutes. i want to talk, then i dont. im settled, then flustered. i feel independent, then very dependent; grown-up, then not at all. i feel pretty, then fat. happy then unhappy. content, then worried. unhappy, then understanding. clever, then stupid. i mean, i cant make up my mind; its like a freaking pingpong game. i suck at pingpong, at least usually. and this album cant make up its mind either, and it flips out about a lot of the same ideas. and its great.
[what i need to remember is that beautiful and clever, settled and independent can all exist at the very same time as dependent and silly, and needs to study and eat healthy foods take a shower before class and stuff. things can co-exist. [!]]

4. ["sometimes i pray for a slap in the face, and then beg to be spared cause im a coward."]

5. i think that ive been talking my head off lately, and not even about anything of great importance. [and im doing it now too.] and i feel so bad about it, and i really do have other things to say, they just arent coming out yet. and i feel all self-conscious and obnoxious, and i feel like apologizing to nearly everone i talk to, just in case i talk to much. and if im not actually apologizing, im apologizing in my head, just like im doing right here, cause im pretty sure im talking my head off now too.] and its so weird, cause im not usually self-conscious about stuff like this. usually im like "oh, well. it wont hurt you to listen to me talk. and then ill listen to you. and its all good." and i feel all bad, cause i want to talk to people lately. so if we have a conversation i promise to keep my mouth mostly shut, and listen, too. cross my heart. and you are all completly allowed to tell me to shut up too, and i wont even mind one smidgin. and im all worried about other stupid stuff like "oh, no. i might weigh 4 more pounds then i want to." and "what should i wear tomorrow?" and "blahblah whateverwhatever." and that has got to stop. because it is stupid. and i get so mad at myself for it, because how can i even think about getting mad because i may or may not weigh 4 stupid pounds more than what i have randomly decided a good weight for me would be. or because this, that and the other. i mean really. mrs. march on little women tells amy that she is "more intent on shaping her dear little nose than enfashioning her character." and im afraid thats sadly sadly true too often for me. although its not strictly my nose that gives me trouble. i dont mind my nose. well, i mean, sometimes, i think its funny looking, but not usually. noses are funny things in general.

6. i really am having trouble making my head make what i know about economics and the Gospel, and our attitude towards everyone work together. i mean, the church should take care of poor people, etc.etc.etc.. yes. and at the same time, the church can not dilute the Gospel to the people they serve just because they are serving. but also, welfare is not the best way to go; that means they dont have to get a job, and that messes up taxes and all kinds of things. thats only an example, but i cant make the larger ideas work together really well either. if someone can, will you explain it to me? or are there books to be read about the subject? i will read them if i can find them. cause i really want to know, so much.

7. when i was driving home, i thought i got drugged, then someone almost ran into me and that was very scary, and then i was driving in the middle of these police enthusiast guys who i thought were police at first cause they had police stickers on their cars, but they were speeding a lot, and then i got some donuts, and then i had a stalker for like an hour and then i got home. and i didnt even die. and then my parents had their anniversary, and i got cheesecake out of the deal. with strawberries. mmmmm.
also, when i was home i was playing hide and seek with some people like my sisters and some our friends [who are under age 11, you know] and we were having this really big debate and i dont know which it is, and i dont know if there are rules for such things, but i am really curious: what are the exact rules for hide-and-seek? does anyone know? i mean, is the person found first the next one to be it, because they obviously suck at hiding. and if thats the case, do you find one person, and just let everyone else remain hidden, since they found good spots? or: is the last one found the next it? and what is the base, and when does it come into play? and then when do you say "come out, come out, wherever you are?" is that only if you are horrible at finding people and and havent found anyone after an hour? who is it then? and what is olyolyoxenfree? is that how you spell it?
i think we always played last one found is it when we were littler, with a base, and the yelling, but we had a huge debate about it, and the merits of all the ways, and so im all confused now.
[p.s. i really want to know this, too, please.]

8. i think its so funny when people think that they invented things. like those people who claim that they themselves created phrases like "true story" and "cool beans" and "LOL" and "you lose." and then they get all offended when you say it and they're like "hey, i invented that." and its like, no. those are things that just are and im pretty sure no one invented them. its like the other day, mumma and i were looking for some lyrics to this song and we were reading the little bio of an artist that recorded it once, and it said that this guy [i dont even remember who it was] invented the concept of putting lyrics in the cd booklet thing. and i was like um, no. 1) if that was invented, it would have been invented before 1990, pretty sure. and 2) i dont think that was an invented thing. it just is a thing. that was around. all the time. except for muchly. i so think i invinted that one, because ive never heard any random people say it. maybe i just dont listen to random people talk enough, which im sure is true, and its also very sad, but there it is. and im not sure if i invinted it or not, probably not. but in case i did, i dont care if other people say it. i like that.

9. i think people need 7 hugs a day, or something?
i wouldnt mind getting that many. i been in a hugging mood lately, i believe.

10. here is a poem by anna akhmatova that was written in 1917. i think its maybe one of my favoriter poems on the list of favorite poems. i think its pretty much beautiful.

We Don't Know How to Say Goodbye
We don't know how to say goodbye--
we wander all over shoulder to shoulder.
It's already starting to get dark;
you're thoughtful, and I keep quiet.

Let's go into the church, watch
a funeral, a christening, a wedding;
let's leave, not looking at each other--
why don't we live like that?

Or, lets sit in the cemetery,
in the trampled snow; let's breathe lightly,
and let you trace with a stick palaces
where we will always be together.

isnt it funny how much of life is replacing things? replace is a word like almost thats not quite good, and not quite bad, it could mostly go either way. outgrowing things we love is never a pleasant process, but eventually, we probably do outgrow them, and then we do replace them with other things we love. and when something you hope for doesnt work out, then you probably just start hoping for something else, and so on. and when you break a bad habit, you replace it with, hopefully, a better one. and when you stop thinking of something, you think of something else, and when you leave friends behind, you make new ones. its weird. really weird.
what if we could keep all the old dreams and habits and things around? how crowded that would be. simplify, simplify, simplify. indeed, henrydavid. indeed.
and we must be careful not to replace the most important with things of far lesser importance, but how often that happens too. and so often we replace words plus deeds with just words. scary thought. i hope not. i want to do things too.

11. im still kindof confused about the dalai lama, too.
hope is an extremely wonderful word. it even sounds wonderful. like hotfudge. it just sounds yummy.
"surely, hope does not disappoint, because God's love has been poured out."
mmm.
i have a few books i need to read before things get busy.
im not quite sure i said anything yet. at least, im not sure i said what i meant most of all. i think its there, but not exactly coherently. "there needs to be a revolution; i would lead it but i just bought a hammock." and, im getting sleepy. tomorrow. yes. tomorrow different things will happen, and there will be chances for things. i need to make use of them, and thats all; i need to set all of my alarmclocks to make sure that i dont miss more than necessary. and i need to have some hotfudge. i havent had some in a while. hotfudgesundaes are just good for the soul, you know?

[just wait.]
ive got soul, but im not a soldier.


currently playing: hot fuss / the killers

Posted 2/2/2006 4:47 AM