inside the realm of possibility

one of my rules is that whenever i feel unconfident, or anxious or anything, i try to look good enough to make up for it, and that way maybe no one will notice how i feel. i have been flipping out lately, so im wearing overalls today. i feel pretty when i wear overalls, i think, for who knows why. because practically the definition of overalls is "non-pretty." [non-pretty, maybe but soo great, too. i looovve overalls, always have.] so getting ready today took a long time, [because how much time spent is not always, but sometimes, proportionate to how good you look. that certainly depends on the person, and sometimes it doesnt work that way. but usually, if i get ready in half an hour, i look like it. if i take the whole hour, its also evident. fortyfive minutes is average, if i planned out in the shower what im going to wear, cause im a clothes-changer, [and i wish i had the wardrobe possibilities of people on tv! but not all of them.] you know, so if i planned it out it cuts out on 2ish changes. and thank heavens for days where even if i only take half an hour to get ready, you cant tell. i wish they were more often.] even though i didnt really go anywhere where i needed to look like anything much. but i feel pretty today, and i usually do when i wear overalls. so explain that one.
and i do realize that feeling, or even being pretty is not the end-all-be-all goal of anything, and its not actually important in the grand scheme of things, but sometimes it doesnt hurt anything at all.

i did go to walmart though. january is waffle time, i think. practically every january since ive been in college, i have waffle cravings. explain that one too. but anyway, i had eaten all of my waffles, and we were out of milk. so i got waffles and milk, and drank half the gallon after 5pm today, cause i hadnt had it in a day or two, and i missed it. and then i made brownies, but i was remembering the recipie as i went along and i think i made some of it up, so i wasnt sure they were going to taste good, but i think they did, maybe? making things from scratch is tricky, i think. but i like it when i can do it. which is not often, cause i lost my cooking skills when i came to college, but maybe ill get them back again afterward. wouldnt it be wonderful to be one of those women like grandmothers and amelia bedelia who can throw in a little of this and a pinch of that and it come out all wonderful? it would be absolutely amazing to be able to do that. i think im going to add cooking like that to my list of things to accomplish in life.
and also, i love walmart. really muchly.

sometimes, things are hard. harder than i would like to admit to myself, or anyone else. and i feel silly, cause they shouldnt be hard. i have a home [two, actually] and family who loves me, and friends, and job, and food, and i have relatively a lot of freedom to do what i want and stuff. i know that God loves me, and what will happen to me when i die. i am not fat by american standards, but im positively huge compared to a lot of people in the world whose arms and legs look more like sticks than arms and legs. i feel like maybe i shouldnt be allowed to have hard things, because i am spoiled.

someone told me yesterday that maybe i couldnt be mother teresa and have 12 kids. and maybe i couldnt even be mother teresa and have 8 or 6 kids. and i said that was because mamaT took a vow of chastity and wasnt married. and also im hardly catholic and so i wouldnt qualify for that sort of career.
and i was thinking about how maybe its like my design projects. in my head, i can design these really wonderful things and they are soo beautiful, but i never have enough computer skill to actually make that happen. so its like this really dim version of what i had in my head. this is why i change paper topics at the last minute too, cause the first idea usually is more than i can do, cause im overly ambitious, and i dont like to turn in something that i wanted to be better. i mean, it happens but i dont like it. and i dont want things to be like that. sometimes, it works, and i have something genuis. and i like that. i dont want to dream bigger than reality permits, but im afraid sometimes i do. but i want my dreams and my reality to be that big. i want to have my cake and eat it too, see.
i want to do something amazing, and i want to have 6 kids and i want me to not feel like i have to give up something, even if the amazing thing is the 6 kids, which it might be, i guess. cause i am pretty sure that being a good wife and mother-of-6 would be a rather hefty accomplishment. and if thats it, im cool with that. terribly excited about it even. but i just dont want to miss out on something. theres so much that i want to see and do--people, and family and the whole world and everything. because there is more to this world than my present circumstances and perspectives. and that is something. [!]
but apparently, im not going to miss out on any divine appointments, and thats good news. and also, apparently, things will be alright. also good news.
therefore, do not worry. of course, of course. i dont know why im worrying about it now anyway, but there it is, so. and if i could pay attention for more than 5 seconds, i might remember some important things like that.

and also things like: some people told me the other day that muchly isnt a word. and i was sad. they also told me that i misspell halirious. and then they said i make up other words too. and that made me kind of sad. cause i dont remember doing that. but then they told me that it didnt matter, and i could still say them, so i was happier. cause i like those words, and apparently i didnt even know i made them up, cause i was surprised when they told it to me. and also, apparently, ew is not an interjection meaning "gross, etc.". its an abbreviation for "enlisted woman." just in case any of you were wondering. i learned that recently. and actually, i knew i mis-spelled halirious. its just that i cant get the right spelling in my head for anything and ive tried to do it before. so i gave up, and when im famous-er than i am now, my copyeditor can worry about it. besides i can spell renaissance, and according to my all-knowing worldhistory teacher from highschool, thats a word that will come in handy in all kinds of situations. however, i do not know how to spell apocraphya [did i do it? i didnt look.] correctly yet, and that is an important one. so im working on it.

i feel like so often i get unbalanced. if i am having real conversations with people, and learning things and whatnot, than i forget to laugh. and if im laughing with people, then i forget to to be honest and have real conversations and all of that. i want both. surely there can be both. i mean, both are part of meaningful. so, the point is to try to wiggle my toes, and dance and have slumber parties and eat brownies and tickle fights and play scrabble and making good friends and at the same time be diligent in my pursuit of my goals, and christianity and paying attention and writing and loving and remember that there are more important things than death and things bigger than my immediate reality, and work to be a part of those. thats a tricky thing. but "indeed, God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten son to live with us and teach us how to be the fully human creatures our Maker has always planned for us to be." so its not entirely outside the realm of possibility, i think.

possibilities are exciting things. and very scary, and very everywhere.

Posted 1/25/2006 5:26 AM