because i cant do much else, apparently. at least right now. but something is better than nothing, no? i thought so.
The Not-So-Good:
1. getting stuck in snow for hours!
2. the snow plow (who the nice sheriff deputy called to pull me and dad both out) getting stuck, too.
3. awkward situations
4. having to answer the same questions over and over again
5. feeling like i should be in two places at once.
6. not having enough of a christmas break from work.
7. the still not-knowing-what-im doing- at-work feeling. its not the work, actually. its the job. im bad at having a job like this, i think, if that makes sense.
8. my mother changing types of gum, after shes had the same kind my entire life. i dont do well with change, you know.
9. still not being done moving! geh.
10. icy car windows in the morning.
11. unpleasant conversations
12. not having quite enough time for everything
13. peyton, the fish, dying.
The Good:
1. chips / salsa. and waffles. and christmas cookies. and fabulous $2 frozen chinese food
2. metaphors that arent actually metaphors at all (just the real thing, said somehow else.)
3. fitting things in, easily.
4. wal-mart bags. (so useful.)
5. happy insides of shoes
6. conversation (and hotchocolate. welcome, but not required.)
7. going to tennessee soon. and potentially graceland, too.
8. circle-y connections.
9. chewing gum. (i wouldnt be where i am today without it.)
10. mittens! (and even though i only have gloves right now, i still call them mittens, because
thats way better.)
11. singing christmas music at the childrens home in town. very ghettofabulous-meets-um...not
ghettofabulous.
12. good music in general, actually. and i like songs with whistling / harmonicas.
13. giraffes. and camels.
14. surprises, of all kinds.
(there is so much.)
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Thursday, December 6, 2007
{eavesdropping.* }
(or: put a goose in your basket and call it a day.)
i think its important to eat foods with their intended instruments, so i always try to eat chinese, etc. with chopsticks, if at all possible. i like it.
there are certainly things in this world that try one's patience.
oh, you know how the only constellations we know are mostly just the dippers and orien (although, maybe you know more, i dont remember?). anyway. i found out that orien's armpit is what beetlejuice is. which is weird. why would you name someones armpit beetlejuice?
and i finally got some gravy last night, from crackerbarrel. it seemed a little on the thin side, but it was certainly better than nothing, which is what i previously had. i have not, however, filled the craving for waffle house.
whenever i think of gravy, i also usually think of this guy named joey, who i worked at perkins with, in jackson. one day, when i first got there, we were talking about how his life was so screwed up right then, and then he said--in the most southern-ish accent ever--"its all gravy, baby." and it was so funny, and sortof a culture shock thing, maybe, cause his accent was so strong (even though southern accents werent new to me at all!) for some reason i always think of that.
and theres a reason why i've been busy---work. i have 4 events in the fall. one has just happened, and one happens this week. i've had to go back to work 3 nights this week, which is gross, but i have a million things to do! and i feel like im forgetting things like crazy. so, i made myself a massive to-do list and put some pictures on it, so i like to look at it, and i also made myself a great soundtrack and got myself a cookie and i've been plugging away, at least sortof. who knows how everything is actually doing. not me!
so, if you have any good music suggestions for fall soundtrack #2, let me know. i was pleased with the first soundtrack, and i have been listening to it. having a great soundtrack for life makes a difference!
ive been going to bed later than i was trying to before and so im tired too.
i have missed this feeling. i miss being up at two in the morning talking to people at a damp-from-dew picnic table. i miss sleeping in random places and carrying my alarm clock and toothbrush with me to the DMS lab. i miss the DMS lab. it was so inspiring. i mostly miss the feeling that i am learning things that are important--and then that i can do something with the things that i have learned. actually, not true. the thing i miss the most is eating whatever i want and not gaining a pound ;)
i am using a different computer than normal and the keys are so nice and clicky. (i need a laptop. but i decided to not get one until i paid off my last credit card. almost there!)
i like being busy, but i think i feel static in lots of other ways.
also, this week, i met someone who's parents died in the genocide in rowanda, and a guy i went to highschool with was at the mission and also, someone a year younger than me from church was at the mission too. i did not know what to say to these things. they made me feel really lame. and sad. and it breaks my heart to see guys my age at the mission. they shouldnt be there, you know? 23 year olds havent had time to mess up their lives yet--its mostly still just plain stupidity still.
maybe thats what i meant when i said that i dont feel like myself sometimes here. i havent written hardly at all (i just cant do it!) and i dont feel like im learning things (except i know i am.) and i dont feel like i have the chance anymore to do something important. i would like to do something important. and im not sure that im quite so funny anymore. and im not sure i was terribly funny to begin with, except sometimes when i write, but i dont even do that anymore, so thats out! bleh!
and sometimes, i feel like boring-ness and staticity is encouraged by people here (if not directly, then by their lifestyles) and that is a tragedy. one of many in the world, i know. people here are okay with being bored. i cant remember the last time i was bored! my mother never let us, and there is certainly too much to do in the world to ever think about being bored. this is a pet peeve of mine, for sure.
also, we went to the nickel creek concert on sunday (two sundays ago, now), or rather sat outside of it (it was an outdoor concert) and my sister and i werent rich enough to pay for both of us to get in, so we sat outside the fence with some nice old people and some other hippie people and this guy that worked there? i guess? started yelling at us before the concert started about how we werent true art supporters and stuff. and then later he threatened us with security, then he brought them (even though he couldnt kick us out, cause we were on public property.) but we moved back a ways, and were just fine, but the hippie people argued and argued with the both of them about it, and it was pretty funny.) but it was really a wonderful concert with all the random mix of people that you find at and around those things.
its important to like cheese when you go to europe because that is what they eat there! all the time, for breakfast and things. also, baked beans sometimes, i heard. imagine the queen eating baked beans for breakfast! thats an amusing thought. well, of course, the queen is amusing either way you go. my favorite story though, is king henry the VIII. my best friend growing up was two years older than i was and was a fantastic reader. like checking 38 books out of the library at a time fantastic. and then reading them all.
anyway, i would make her tell me the story of king henry the viii over and over because she had all the wives memorized and knew all the juicy details about them. i love that--a good story with just the right details that you can listen to over and over. also, i love the steadfast tin soldier--thats more of a fairytale, but it isnt really. you should read it, if you havent. or wait till i see you, and ill read it to you. then you can read me something. there is something so wonderful about being read to. do you remember when you were old enough to read, but still young enough to be read to on a regular basis (did your mom read to you? did you like it?) and i would try to read over moms shoulder and read ahead! but then you would get stuck when it came to the end of the page.
seems like a metaphor for something.
do you have a favorite?
it would be really weird, but cool, to live underwater. one major memory of mine from early on in life was going to san antonio with my sister and parents (by the way, you and your sister were adorable when you were little. i have no pictures online for you to see of my sisters, but sometime ill show you.) anyway, we went to seaworld and the alamo, etc. but we also went to this one place where we went down in a submarine, and there were mermaids and this swimming, dancing pig. it was so crazy! and it made an impression on me, i can tell you.
and today, i saw a man riding a bike with a painted goose sitting on the front of his bike, like in the basket. why did he have that goose? why did he paint it? where was he going? oh! and you'll never guess this one: i saw the bicycle-goose-man again! it wasnt just a one time thing. and it was raining, and he was riding around anyway, and holding an umbrella at the same time. and i learned that the goose is actually just white--not painted at all--but instead is dressed in capes, tied around his neck! that is crazy. it was a different cape this time. something striped, i believe.
things like that make a difference in life. and i dont know about you, but i need that.
* courtesy of various emails written to people
Posted 9/2/2007 1:15 AM
i think its important to eat foods with their intended instruments, so i always try to eat chinese, etc. with chopsticks, if at all possible. i like it.
there are certainly things in this world that try one's patience.
oh, you know how the only constellations we know are mostly just the dippers and orien (although, maybe you know more, i dont remember?). anyway. i found out that orien's armpit is what beetlejuice is. which is weird. why would you name someones armpit beetlejuice?
and i finally got some gravy last night, from crackerbarrel. it seemed a little on the thin side, but it was certainly better than nothing, which is what i previously had. i have not, however, filled the craving for waffle house.
whenever i think of gravy, i also usually think of this guy named joey, who i worked at perkins with, in jackson. one day, when i first got there, we were talking about how his life was so screwed up right then, and then he said--in the most southern-ish accent ever--"its all gravy, baby." and it was so funny, and sortof a culture shock thing, maybe, cause his accent was so strong (even though southern accents werent new to me at all!) for some reason i always think of that.
and theres a reason why i've been busy---work. i have 4 events in the fall. one has just happened, and one happens this week. i've had to go back to work 3 nights this week, which is gross, but i have a million things to do! and i feel like im forgetting things like crazy. so, i made myself a massive to-do list and put some pictures on it, so i like to look at it, and i also made myself a great soundtrack and got myself a cookie and i've been plugging away, at least sortof. who knows how everything is actually doing. not me!
so, if you have any good music suggestions for fall soundtrack #2, let me know. i was pleased with the first soundtrack, and i have been listening to it. having a great soundtrack for life makes a difference!
ive been going to bed later than i was trying to before and so im tired too.
i have missed this feeling. i miss being up at two in the morning talking to people at a damp-from-dew picnic table. i miss sleeping in random places and carrying my alarm clock and toothbrush with me to the DMS lab. i miss the DMS lab. it was so inspiring. i mostly miss the feeling that i am learning things that are important--and then that i can do something with the things that i have learned. actually, not true. the thing i miss the most is eating whatever i want and not gaining a pound ;)
i am using a different computer than normal and the keys are so nice and clicky. (i need a laptop. but i decided to not get one until i paid off my last credit card. almost there!)
i like being busy, but i think i feel static in lots of other ways.
also, this week, i met someone who's parents died in the genocide in rowanda, and a guy i went to highschool with was at the mission and also, someone a year younger than me from church was at the mission too. i did not know what to say to these things. they made me feel really lame. and sad. and it breaks my heart to see guys my age at the mission. they shouldnt be there, you know? 23 year olds havent had time to mess up their lives yet--its mostly still just plain stupidity still.
maybe thats what i meant when i said that i dont feel like myself sometimes here. i havent written hardly at all (i just cant do it!) and i dont feel like im learning things (except i know i am.) and i dont feel like i have the chance anymore to do something important. i would like to do something important. and im not sure that im quite so funny anymore. and im not sure i was terribly funny to begin with, except sometimes when i write, but i dont even do that anymore, so thats out! bleh!
and sometimes, i feel like boring-ness and staticity is encouraged by people here (if not directly, then by their lifestyles) and that is a tragedy. one of many in the world, i know. people here are okay with being bored. i cant remember the last time i was bored! my mother never let us, and there is certainly too much to do in the world to ever think about being bored. this is a pet peeve of mine, for sure.
also, we went to the nickel creek concert on sunday (two sundays ago, now), or rather sat outside of it (it was an outdoor concert) and my sister and i werent rich enough to pay for both of us to get in, so we sat outside the fence with some nice old people and some other hippie people and this guy that worked there? i guess? started yelling at us before the concert started about how we werent true art supporters and stuff. and then later he threatened us with security, then he brought them (even though he couldnt kick us out, cause we were on public property.) but we moved back a ways, and were just fine, but the hippie people argued and argued with the both of them about it, and it was pretty funny.) but it was really a wonderful concert with all the random mix of people that you find at and around those things.
its important to like cheese when you go to europe because that is what they eat there! all the time, for breakfast and things. also, baked beans sometimes, i heard. imagine the queen eating baked beans for breakfast! thats an amusing thought. well, of course, the queen is amusing either way you go. my favorite story though, is king henry the VIII. my best friend growing up was two years older than i was and was a fantastic reader. like checking 38 books out of the library at a time fantastic. and then reading them all.
anyway, i would make her tell me the story of king henry the viii over and over because she had all the wives memorized and knew all the juicy details about them. i love that--a good story with just the right details that you can listen to over and over. also, i love the steadfast tin soldier--thats more of a fairytale, but it isnt really. you should read it, if you havent. or wait till i see you, and ill read it to you. then you can read me something. there is something so wonderful about being read to. do you remember when you were old enough to read, but still young enough to be read to on a regular basis (did your mom read to you? did you like it?) and i would try to read over moms shoulder and read ahead! but then you would get stuck when it came to the end of the page.
seems like a metaphor for something.
do you have a favorite?
it would be really weird, but cool, to live underwater. one major memory of mine from early on in life was going to san antonio with my sister and parents (by the way, you and your sister were adorable when you were little. i have no pictures online for you to see of my sisters, but sometime ill show you.) anyway, we went to seaworld and the alamo, etc. but we also went to this one place where we went down in a submarine, and there were mermaids and this swimming, dancing pig. it was so crazy! and it made an impression on me, i can tell you.
and today, i saw a man riding a bike with a painted goose sitting on the front of his bike, like in the basket. why did he have that goose? why did he paint it? where was he going? oh! and you'll never guess this one: i saw the bicycle-goose-man again! it wasnt just a one time thing. and it was raining, and he was riding around anyway, and holding an umbrella at the same time. and i learned that the goose is actually just white--not painted at all--but instead is dressed in capes, tied around his neck! that is crazy. it was a different cape this time. something striped, i believe.
things like that make a difference in life. and i dont know about you, but i need that.
* courtesy of various emails written to people
Posted 9/2/2007 1:15 AM
{ this post is to my library books as my library books are to my smudgy heart}
which means, of course, that its far overdue, which is the problem i always have with library books. this is because i love the library so much, and everytime i go i find a million books that i want so i check them out, and then, of course, i dont have enough time to read them, and i hate to give things back that i havent read yet. so then they are overdue and thats a problem. however, funnily enough, my notebook has been getting quite a bit of use lately, which is good and bad. i desperately need a laptop (mac or pc?!?!). i just cant write here otherwise, i think. i cant explain it, its psycological, i guess. but a lot of people here do not understand about my notebook. that is a big difference between here and college.
however, i lately had one night that was very miserable, and, therefore, i scribbled about 6 pages worth of notes for a book someday. i think it might be a good idea. maybe.
i got perhaps the worst haircut in my life the other day. i mean, it looks okay, but im not really sure its actually straight. or what i asked for when i went in. its always risky getting your haircut. i was thinking about it, and its really funny, because this sort of haircut is something that happens when i just cant stand it anymore, and i just have to get my haircut and then something happens, and you just feel better, because if everything else is out of your control, d***it, and there is nothing you can possibly do about it, but you can get your haircut, and so you will. but i realized this time that actually, you cant control this either, because you arent holding the sissors. and that is a big part of controlling the haircut. that is a slightly startling realization.
but it was almost worth it because the lady i was talking to was a little halirious. she told me all this crazy stuff and some funny stories and she kept saying "oh my lordy, God help us." and if she wasnt doing something or other with my hair i think she would have done the catholic cross thing (genuflect? i forget what its called.) because she was and old mexican lady who immigrated here 30 years ago. she had good stories. and she cared for people.
i want to do that.
but i wonder if it is a good idea or not, sometimes. friends seem fluid, and i apparently, am not good at it, really. which is funny because it never seemed hard for me. but neither did a lot of things, so i dont guess thats a really good way to judge. i do want, and need, friends, though. also, it is hard to think about real things here, sometimes, because so much time is taken up with normal living things: cleaning, deciding about dinner, dusting, etc. that is another difference between here and college. everything seemed bigger and more important there, and i didnt have to spend much time with various sundry details because there wasnt that much room for them. dusting, for instance, took half an instant for the whole dorm, if it was even necessary--no surface was hardly still long enough to merit the need for it.
however, here i work at the rescue mission. i know a guy who was beat up in the ghetto, and there was a lady who died because a cinder block was dropped on her head while she was driving and another guy whose car was stolen. and we are learning about the sermon on the mount at church (you should listen too.) and i dont know. its harder to care here, maybe, but with more opportunities. which is ironic.
but everything is something to offer, even in this discouraging, lonely, scary, hopeful, and mysterious old world.
things are not necessarily good over here, you know. dumb things are hard, and i have a hard time with them. but things are not bad, either. i often think that things that should not be happening to me are (not strictly circumstancial, though, because we must learn to rejoice in them and through them); and that things that should be happening to me or seem to always be happening to someone else, do not happen to me regularly at all, or even infrequently, or never. is this a problem? maybe this is why ive been on an eighties movie kick lately. which has put me in the mood for 80s music. any suggestions for good stuff?
also, i have lots of mosquito bites, for some reason. and it is hard to walk in the rain and eat chicken nuggets and smile at people.
smiling at people is newly, or perhaps more renew-ed-ly important. this is something that a dog is good for. i have been trying to walk the dog. this is important to me because 1) i feel like im getting fatter since ive been home, which is probably only half a smidgin true, but it feels like more, so i should exercise and 2) its nice outsitde most nights and 3) because it is nice to say hello to people. ti do try to do that when i walk. it is good. and it is a way to be friends, fluidly, and that is how it should be, so you dont feel sad--rather, you feel just the opposite. i have made lots of random friends this way. once, when i was shopping, i encountered a former kindergardener named sophie and we had a very nice lengthy conversation. and we were best friends for 10 minutes and she gave me a hug when she left and that was just how it should be.
it was also good because it distracted me from my growing irritation with shopping. it used to be that i got irritated because nothing was modest, or it didnt fit right. and these things are still true. but it is rather rapidly being replaced by two things: first, i hate having to look at each piece of clothing and stand there and decide whether the article of clothing is a dress or a skirt, or a shirt. half of this stuff is virtually indistinguishable. and that is irritating. it lengthens time time required for any shopping trip by a lot cause you have to stand there and decide about everything. grrrr. the other irritation is that i am not pregnant (insofar as i can tell. theres always that nagging worry, per the x-ray complications, and the internet research with the two-times-ago roommates.) nor do i have any desire to look pregnant. and 3/4 of the clothing available is also suitable for maternity wear. its a little insane. oh, if only i was pregnant right now, i would be all set. im tempted to stock up anyway for when i am pregnant, because im sure by then, that only skinny styles will be in fashion, and i will be doomed to wear old lady pregnant clothes. maybe then i will look like im from the 80s. how exciting.
anyway, last time i was walking puppy, i let her run around in this great field, which was still smelling damp and freshly cut and clovery. there is nothing i like so well, unless you add the fireflies and what do you know, there were fireflies. and life was good, even though. and the whole thing was entirely too poetical to put into an actual poem, so i will write it in prose, but it was lovely. a few moments before i started walking, someone told me to be sure and look at the sun (what a remarkable thing! i usually tell people to look at the moon) because it was setting very prettily. so i looked as i was walking,but i could never see it. as i was leaving the field and there was a bright light through the trees and i thought that it must be the sunset. turned out, it was a street light.
i was certainly glad it wasnt the sun.
we really do have smudgy hearts, dont we?
Posted 7/18/2007 9:50 AM
however, i lately had one night that was very miserable, and, therefore, i scribbled about 6 pages worth of notes for a book someday. i think it might be a good idea. maybe.
i got perhaps the worst haircut in my life the other day. i mean, it looks okay, but im not really sure its actually straight. or what i asked for when i went in. its always risky getting your haircut. i was thinking about it, and its really funny, because this sort of haircut is something that happens when i just cant stand it anymore, and i just have to get my haircut and then something happens, and you just feel better, because if everything else is out of your control, d***it, and there is nothing you can possibly do about it, but you can get your haircut, and so you will. but i realized this time that actually, you cant control this either, because you arent holding the sissors. and that is a big part of controlling the haircut. that is a slightly startling realization.
but it was almost worth it because the lady i was talking to was a little halirious. she told me all this crazy stuff and some funny stories and she kept saying "oh my lordy, God help us." and if she wasnt doing something or other with my hair i think she would have done the catholic cross thing (genuflect? i forget what its called.) because she was and old mexican lady who immigrated here 30 years ago. she had good stories. and she cared for people.
i want to do that.
but i wonder if it is a good idea or not, sometimes. friends seem fluid, and i apparently, am not good at it, really. which is funny because it never seemed hard for me. but neither did a lot of things, so i dont guess thats a really good way to judge. i do want, and need, friends, though. also, it is hard to think about real things here, sometimes, because so much time is taken up with normal living things: cleaning, deciding about dinner, dusting, etc. that is another difference between here and college. everything seemed bigger and more important there, and i didnt have to spend much time with various sundry details because there wasnt that much room for them. dusting, for instance, took half an instant for the whole dorm, if it was even necessary--no surface was hardly still long enough to merit the need for it.
however, here i work at the rescue mission. i know a guy who was beat up in the ghetto, and there was a lady who died because a cinder block was dropped on her head while she was driving and another guy whose car was stolen. and we are learning about the sermon on the mount at church (you should listen too.) and i dont know. its harder to care here, maybe, but with more opportunities. which is ironic.
but everything is something to offer, even in this discouraging, lonely, scary, hopeful, and mysterious old world.
things are not necessarily good over here, you know. dumb things are hard, and i have a hard time with them. but things are not bad, either. i often think that things that should not be happening to me are (not strictly circumstancial, though, because we must learn to rejoice in them and through them); and that things that should be happening to me or seem to always be happening to someone else, do not happen to me regularly at all, or even infrequently, or never. is this a problem? maybe this is why ive been on an eighties movie kick lately. which has put me in the mood for 80s music. any suggestions for good stuff?
also, i have lots of mosquito bites, for some reason. and it is hard to walk in the rain and eat chicken nuggets and smile at people.
smiling at people is newly, or perhaps more renew-ed-ly important. this is something that a dog is good for. i have been trying to walk the dog. this is important to me because 1) i feel like im getting fatter since ive been home, which is probably only half a smidgin true, but it feels like more, so i should exercise and 2) its nice outsitde most nights and 3) because it is nice to say hello to people. ti do try to do that when i walk. it is good. and it is a way to be friends, fluidly, and that is how it should be, so you dont feel sad--rather, you feel just the opposite. i have made lots of random friends this way. once, when i was shopping, i encountered a former kindergardener named sophie and we had a very nice lengthy conversation. and we were best friends for 10 minutes and she gave me a hug when she left and that was just how it should be.
it was also good because it distracted me from my growing irritation with shopping. it used to be that i got irritated because nothing was modest, or it didnt fit right. and these things are still true. but it is rather rapidly being replaced by two things: first, i hate having to look at each piece of clothing and stand there and decide whether the article of clothing is a dress or a skirt, or a shirt. half of this stuff is virtually indistinguishable. and that is irritating. it lengthens time time required for any shopping trip by a lot cause you have to stand there and decide about everything. grrrr. the other irritation is that i am not pregnant (insofar as i can tell. theres always that nagging worry, per the x-ray complications, and the internet research with the two-times-ago roommates.) nor do i have any desire to look pregnant. and 3/4 of the clothing available is also suitable for maternity wear. its a little insane. oh, if only i was pregnant right now, i would be all set. im tempted to stock up anyway for when i am pregnant, because im sure by then, that only skinny styles will be in fashion, and i will be doomed to wear old lady pregnant clothes. maybe then i will look like im from the 80s. how exciting.
anyway, last time i was walking puppy, i let her run around in this great field, which was still smelling damp and freshly cut and clovery. there is nothing i like so well, unless you add the fireflies and what do you know, there were fireflies. and life was good, even though. and the whole thing was entirely too poetical to put into an actual poem, so i will write it in prose, but it was lovely. a few moments before i started walking, someone told me to be sure and look at the sun (what a remarkable thing! i usually tell people to look at the moon) because it was setting very prettily. so i looked as i was walking,but i could never see it. as i was leaving the field and there was a bright light through the trees and i thought that it must be the sunset. turned out, it was a street light.
i was certainly glad it wasnt the sun.
we really do have smudgy hearts, dont we?
Posted 7/18/2007 9:50 AM
ready (and waiting)
i'm ready for something big.
(i think.)
really, its more like im thinking about beginning to think about starting to get ready to be ready for something big.
(i am definately interested to see what will happen. (among other things.))
(..........to be continued.)
Posted 6/27/2007 11:25 PM
(i think.)
really, its more like im thinking about beginning to think about starting to get ready to be ready for something big.
(i am definately interested to see what will happen. (among other things.))
(..........to be continued.)
Posted 6/27/2007 11:25 PM
{ once in a blue moon }
once in a blue moon is one of the things that i always say. and lo and behold, tonight is a blue moon, for real. here is an article about it. i read it (or at least skimmed it). apparently, it has not much to do with the color of the moon, and has something to do with misunderstandings in language. how appropriate. i was very interested to learn this stuff. although it was very cloudy tonight, ironically enough, and so i couldnt see it. and i was a little sad, because there is something intrinsically lovely about blue moons. another thing i say on a regular basis is: is the pope catholic? and varients thereof.
the thing that my grandpa always said was this:
i went to the river, and i couldnt get across
i paid five dollars for an old gray horse
i got to the river, and he couldnt swim,
so i knocked him on the head with a hickory limb.
whereupon we would probably also be knocked on the head, although not with a hickory limb, because we didnt have many of those. but with whatever was handy. like the newspaper. or the couch pillow. or...um...the flyswatter.
speaking of my grandpa, he passed away.
it was very sad, and very strange. but he was a good grandpa, and i know he loved the Lord a lot, so its okay. and my grandmother is wonderful about the whole thing. she kept saying (with the resoluteness of that generation) that it was just our turn, and we didnt want our turn at this, but everyone has to have one, and we can trust God. and we can. but i still cried. i have been less ashamed of tears lately. how important it is to share with each other! not just pizza, or jokes, or smalltalk, but everything. (and the second most important thing to share is stories. this is something else my grandmother was great about). the whole thing is about letting people come over with your house messy, because theirs is too, probably. at least a little bit, like in the closets. its about a willingness to be vulnerable, sometimes. not always, certainly. but its important. and hard. being real is important, and even just one real conversation can make such a big difference. really. ( i miss this.)
my grandparents have really bad timing in dying, though. (haha.) my dads mom was during all of the grandkids crazy week-before-finals (or somewhere right around there. really-super-plus busy anyway) and we all had to do a lot of shuffling to be able to be where we needed. and then my grandpa was in the middle of my sisters and cousins finals, and i missed my first big work event to be there (which ended up being okay, but i felt bad) and my cousin had to come from japan and it was dad's birthday (and we were praying jack wouldnt die then, and he didnt!). and no one ever has anything to wear for funerals, ive decided.
i am feeling slightly relieved that things still feels like summer, even though ive been working, and no vacation, really. almost a year ago, i was at the zoo. and that was lovely. and i was driving back through saint louis afterwards. that was a defining experience for me, in a least a couple of ways, and i missed things, but im not sure i would change them. and i wondered if the lions ever showed up. and how the anteater was doing.
also, i was relieved to learn tonight that there is, in fact, duck tape as well as duct tape. i always thought it should be duck, but everyone always told me duct. i like ducks better.
(my nursury was decorated with ducks. ironic, eh? death, marriages, birthdays, anniversarires, births--the whole deal, right here and now. somewhere anyway. this post is like a deluxe pizza, apparently. and i think i shall have a chocolate meringue pie instead of cake, or pizza for that matter. i love that stuff in a way which i do not, and will never, love deluxe pizza. i am a thin-crust,-lots-of-pepperoni-and-cheese girl myself.)
i did learn a great deal about funeral processions, though. it was one of my greatest fears in all my life though, because i was very near the front of the procession and i had to drive and i had my sisters, because my parents rode with my mamaw. and i had no earthly idea where on earth he was going to be buried, and i get lost in that town------so what if i lost the procession!?!?!?! i had like 30 people behind me too, so i was very worried about this. my sisters were just hoping that we would get to run a red light. and we did that too. and most happily--no one got lost! (just think of how you would never hear the end of that!) but it was pretty funny.
this is one of the things that i didnt know you could do before. and also, i dont think i knew that you should pull over if you see one, cause you should. and keep your lights on if youre in one, and keep up! and some walking guys took off their hats when they saw us.. it was very sweet, and respectful of them. this is where the south is nice. i wouldnt mind being like that.
also, i am beginning to understand, maybe, that this do unto others business does not always mean "if you dont want someone to punch you, dont punch them first." it can be much more proactive than that----whoa. if you want someone to be kind to you, be kind. if you want encouragement, encourage. if you want someone to give you their chocolate cookie, share yours first. and so on. thats harder, i think, because its so unlike what we think.
i heard an absolutely halirious story while i was in texas. someday, i will publish this one. it is often a great relief to be moderately funny sometimes.
and, while i was there, my cousin made me three awesome--and i mean awesome--cds, full of good music that i havent heard much of yet. but he didnt label anything at all, so i have no earthly idea what im listening to. ill blame it on the jetlag. he was in japan just a few days before. and you lose/gain practically a whole day, depending on which way youre going, and thats just weird. that is something that i just dont understand.
but i did learn some more about chickens this weekend.
i think when i grow up, i want to live in a house with a single or double digit house number: 15 tiffany court. 6 charles way. 10 maple street. i think that place will be very interesting and conducive to lovely things. as they already are, really. just like a blue moon.
yes, i am interested to see what will happen, dont you think?
Posted 5/31/2007 10:44 PM -
the thing that my grandpa always said was this:
i went to the river, and i couldnt get across
i paid five dollars for an old gray horse
i got to the river, and he couldnt swim,
so i knocked him on the head with a hickory limb.
whereupon we would probably also be knocked on the head, although not with a hickory limb, because we didnt have many of those. but with whatever was handy. like the newspaper. or the couch pillow. or...um...the flyswatter.
speaking of my grandpa, he passed away.
it was very sad, and very strange. but he was a good grandpa, and i know he loved the Lord a lot, so its okay. and my grandmother is wonderful about the whole thing. she kept saying (with the resoluteness of that generation) that it was just our turn, and we didnt want our turn at this, but everyone has to have one, and we can trust God. and we can. but i still cried. i have been less ashamed of tears lately. how important it is to share with each other! not just pizza, or jokes, or smalltalk, but everything. (and the second most important thing to share is stories. this is something else my grandmother was great about). the whole thing is about letting people come over with your house messy, because theirs is too, probably. at least a little bit, like in the closets. its about a willingness to be vulnerable, sometimes. not always, certainly. but its important. and hard. being real is important, and even just one real conversation can make such a big difference. really. ( i miss this.)
my grandparents have really bad timing in dying, though. (haha.) my dads mom was during all of the grandkids crazy week-before-finals (or somewhere right around there. really-super-plus busy anyway) and we all had to do a lot of shuffling to be able to be where we needed. and then my grandpa was in the middle of my sisters and cousins finals, and i missed my first big work event to be there (which ended up being okay, but i felt bad) and my cousin had to come from japan and it was dad's birthday (and we were praying jack wouldnt die then, and he didnt!). and no one ever has anything to wear for funerals, ive decided.
i am feeling slightly relieved that things still feels like summer, even though ive been working, and no vacation, really. almost a year ago, i was at the zoo. and that was lovely. and i was driving back through saint louis afterwards. that was a defining experience for me, in a least a couple of ways, and i missed things, but im not sure i would change them. and i wondered if the lions ever showed up. and how the anteater was doing.
also, i was relieved to learn tonight that there is, in fact, duck tape as well as duct tape. i always thought it should be duck, but everyone always told me duct. i like ducks better.
(my nursury was decorated with ducks. ironic, eh? death, marriages, birthdays, anniversarires, births--the whole deal, right here and now. somewhere anyway. this post is like a deluxe pizza, apparently. and i think i shall have a chocolate meringue pie instead of cake, or pizza for that matter. i love that stuff in a way which i do not, and will never, love deluxe pizza. i am a thin-crust,-lots-of-pepperoni-and-cheese girl myself.)
i did learn a great deal about funeral processions, though. it was one of my greatest fears in all my life though, because i was very near the front of the procession and i had to drive and i had my sisters, because my parents rode with my mamaw. and i had no earthly idea where on earth he was going to be buried, and i get lost in that town------so what if i lost the procession!?!?!?! i had like 30 people behind me too, so i was very worried about this. my sisters were just hoping that we would get to run a red light. and we did that too. and most happily--no one got lost! (just think of how you would never hear the end of that!) but it was pretty funny.
this is one of the things that i didnt know you could do before. and also, i dont think i knew that you should pull over if you see one, cause you should. and keep your lights on if youre in one, and keep up! and some walking guys took off their hats when they saw us.. it was very sweet, and respectful of them. this is where the south is nice. i wouldnt mind being like that.
also, i am beginning to understand, maybe, that this do unto others business does not always mean "if you dont want someone to punch you, dont punch them first." it can be much more proactive than that----whoa. if you want someone to be kind to you, be kind. if you want encouragement, encourage. if you want someone to give you their chocolate cookie, share yours first. and so on. thats harder, i think, because its so unlike what we think.
i heard an absolutely halirious story while i was in texas. someday, i will publish this one. it is often a great relief to be moderately funny sometimes.
and, while i was there, my cousin made me three awesome--and i mean awesome--cds, full of good music that i havent heard much of yet. but he didnt label anything at all, so i have no earthly idea what im listening to. ill blame it on the jetlag. he was in japan just a few days before. and you lose/gain practically a whole day, depending on which way youre going, and thats just weird. that is something that i just dont understand.
but i did learn some more about chickens this weekend.
i think when i grow up, i want to live in a house with a single or double digit house number: 15 tiffany court. 6 charles way. 10 maple street. i think that place will be very interesting and conducive to lovely things. as they already are, really. just like a blue moon.
yes, i am interested to see what will happen, dont you think?
Posted 5/31/2007 10:44 PM -
{ my screen debut }
this is my screen debut. actually, more like my literary and stage debut, but whatever.
the best part is that this conversation actually happened. like 58 times. seriously.
these were good times. and this makes me laugh so much.
(and it was in a real live play.)
and i am still curious about chickens.
and now, because its happy, my scene:
(Back at the house. Margie enters; Henry is sitting in an easy chair.)
Margie: Henry, there you are! I've been running about like a chicken.
Henry: A chicken?
Margie: Yes, I've got to find…
Henry: Marge, chickens don't just run around. The phrase is, 'I'm running around like a chicken with its head…'
Margie: I know what the phrase is, Henry.
Henry: But if you said…
Margie: Wait, how do you know about chickens?
Henry: I used to have chickens on a farm.
Margie: You did not.
Henry: Oh, no, come to think of it, I chronically lie about my past as a chicken farmer in order to pick up chicks. (HE realizes the pun, then laughs.)
Margie: It's not funny.
Henry: You get it? I didn't mean to, but it's funny.
Margie: Yeah, yeah. You always are.
(and so on.)
currently playing: the plain white T's // hey there, delilah
Posted 5/25/2007 9:22 PM
the best part is that this conversation actually happened. like 58 times. seriously.
these were good times. and this makes me laugh so much.
(and it was in a real live play.)
and i am still curious about chickens.
and now, because its happy, my scene:
(Back at the house. Margie enters; Henry is sitting in an easy chair.)
Margie: Henry, there you are! I've been running about like a chicken.
Henry: A chicken?
Margie: Yes, I've got to find…
Henry: Marge, chickens don't just run around. The phrase is, 'I'm running around like a chicken with its head…'
Margie: I know what the phrase is, Henry.
Henry: But if you said…
Margie: Wait, how do you know about chickens?
Henry: I used to have chickens on a farm.
Margie: You did not.
Henry: Oh, no, come to think of it, I chronically lie about my past as a chicken farmer in order to pick up chicks. (HE realizes the pun, then laughs.)
Margie: It's not funny.
Henry: You get it? I didn't mean to, but it's funny.
Margie: Yeah, yeah. You always are.
(and so on.)
currently playing: the plain white T's // hey there, delilah
Posted 5/25/2007 9:22 PM
the baby cow
( like always: its not anywhere near finished yet, so improvement suggestions are more than appreciated.
but--i have some semblance of a poem! and i am happy to be fussing with it, even though-- all things considered.
there is certainly grace for the moment. more to come. but here---edit! )
The Baby Cow
for Jack, who taught me how to fish
Coming home from the war, you rode a train from New
York to Tennessee to Alabama, which was home. You stopped
in Jackson because you couldn’t wait any longer for some fried chicken,
which they didn’t have in France. It wasn’t as good as your mothers.
My great-grandmother makes the most southern fried chicken
anyone has ever put in their mouth. Her biscuits could have been fed
to the confederate army before battle, so the boys would die thinking of home.
I certainly do not have this skill.
This is probably because I do not understand chickens.
I do not understand which eggs are shipped to warehouses in Milwaukee,
and then to the corner grocery in Odessa, established 1811,
and which are incubated, en masse, warm and safe.
Eventually, a chick breaks through the translucent shell,
and undertakes its chickenly duties, until the end of its life. And I do not understand
how chickens manage to run around after their heads are cut off.
I certainly do not have that skill, either.
The same cigar has been in your mouth since the war,
and since then you have fancied yourself an artist. We take our notebooks
and find a spot by the riverbank and sketch any dandelion or caterpillar
that comes across our path. We are not only artists, but scientists:
later, we take our drawings to the library and find the scientific names,
Magnoliopsida Asteraceae, and add any necessary details to the drawings
that we missed before. We are precise, and precisely none of this has ever happened.
What happened was this: we woke earlier than the fish and spent an hour digging
for the best worms (I used my thumb and forefinger as a pair of forceps).
Finally, at the pond, we got ourselves situated in a good spot, near the reeds,
and, despite the rope tied around my baby-girl waist, I promptly fell in.
both annoyed and amused, you fished me out and walked me home. You told me
a story about a man you knew in France, who also got himself into a river
and couldn’t swim. That man bought a horse for five dollars from a nearby farm
The stories I like best are about farms. Your great-grandmother
used eight gallons of syrup a day to feed all her children and the farmhands;
your great-aunt’s best friend got stuck on the barn roof for half the night
before anyone could talk her into coming down. And your father
was the last keeper of the Baby Cow. The Baby Cow’s stall was the second
from the end on the right, and had been since 1842, in a controversial move
by whichever distant relative was the Baby-Cow-Keeper at that time.
The cow was not fed raw silage or rough grain, nor was it allowed
to eat fresh grass from the field. Everyone in the town contributed
hay and short for feed, and the Baby Cow contributed warm,sweet milk
for every hungry baby. And every person in the town, from 1788-1962, was fed
from the Baby Cow, or the Baby Cow’s mother, grandmother, great-grandmother,
great-great-grandmother, and so on, together and again, amen.
“The end of an era,” people said when the Baby Cow, and FDR,
passed on. They lit a candle, said their prayers. It is a night for prayers:
both unanswered and unprayed. I want my unborn children to learn
all the things I have missed: the way to climb to the tallest trees and how to skip
rocks all the way across the pond (mine stop after two skips).
And how to whittle. I’ve always wanted to know how to whittle.
I will pray for these things as I sit by the riverbank.
Posted 5/18/2007 12:19 AM
but--i have some semblance of a poem! and i am happy to be fussing with it, even though-- all things considered.
there is certainly grace for the moment. more to come. but here---edit! )
The Baby Cow
for Jack, who taught me how to fish
Coming home from the war, you rode a train from New
York to Tennessee to Alabama, which was home. You stopped
in Jackson because you couldn’t wait any longer for some fried chicken,
which they didn’t have in France. It wasn’t as good as your mothers.
My great-grandmother makes the most southern fried chicken
anyone has ever put in their mouth. Her biscuits could have been fed
to the confederate army before battle, so the boys would die thinking of home.
I certainly do not have this skill.
This is probably because I do not understand chickens.
I do not understand which eggs are shipped to warehouses in Milwaukee,
and then to the corner grocery in Odessa, established 1811,
and which are incubated, en masse, warm and safe.
Eventually, a chick breaks through the translucent shell,
and undertakes its chickenly duties, until the end of its life. And I do not understand
how chickens manage to run around after their heads are cut off.
I certainly do not have that skill, either.
The same cigar has been in your mouth since the war,
and since then you have fancied yourself an artist. We take our notebooks
and find a spot by the riverbank and sketch any dandelion or caterpillar
that comes across our path. We are not only artists, but scientists:
later, we take our drawings to the library and find the scientific names,
Magnoliopsida Asteraceae, and add any necessary details to the drawings
that we missed before. We are precise, and precisely none of this has ever happened.
What happened was this: we woke earlier than the fish and spent an hour digging
for the best worms (I used my thumb and forefinger as a pair of forceps).
Finally, at the pond, we got ourselves situated in a good spot, near the reeds,
and, despite the rope tied around my baby-girl waist, I promptly fell in.
both annoyed and amused, you fished me out and walked me home. You told me
a story about a man you knew in France, who also got himself into a river
and couldn’t swim. That man bought a horse for five dollars from a nearby farm
The stories I like best are about farms. Your great-grandmother
used eight gallons of syrup a day to feed all her children and the farmhands;
your great-aunt’s best friend got stuck on the barn roof for half the night
before anyone could talk her into coming down. And your father
was the last keeper of the Baby Cow. The Baby Cow’s stall was the second
from the end on the right, and had been since 1842, in a controversial move
by whichever distant relative was the Baby-Cow-Keeper at that time.
The cow was not fed raw silage or rough grain, nor was it allowed
to eat fresh grass from the field. Everyone in the town contributed
hay and short for feed, and the Baby Cow contributed warm,sweet milk
for every hungry baby. And every person in the town, from 1788-1962, was fed
from the Baby Cow, or the Baby Cow’s mother, grandmother, great-grandmother,
great-great-grandmother, and so on, together and again, amen.
“The end of an era,” people said when the Baby Cow, and FDR,
passed on. They lit a candle, said their prayers. It is a night for prayers:
both unanswered and unprayed. I want my unborn children to learn
all the things I have missed: the way to climb to the tallest trees and how to skip
rocks all the way across the pond (mine stop after two skips).
And how to whittle. I’ve always wanted to know how to whittle.
I will pray for these things as I sit by the riverbank.
Posted 5/18/2007 12:19 AM
{associated press.}
i read this lovely article and then let my mind wander,wander,wander. here are the words i thought:
violin. journalist. newsweek. constraints. jim carrey. jimmy stewart.
seriously. pillow. night. live. contrast. honor. ego.
cumulusclouds. slumber parties. kleenex. thermometer. locked. 15-year-promises. blueberries.
you. about. lemon-scented. dishwashing. love. practice. family&friends. forgiveness. europe. style. world. retail. rollerskates. wholesale. sidewalks. paintbrushes.
servant. freedom. comfort. citizens. truth. spectators. people. mundane. profound. awkward.
oil and vinegar. turtles. buttons. cones. blueprints. simplify. disciplined. grace. gospel truth. cicadas.
read. beauty. julia childs. toast. details. chords. skip. peanut butter. understated.
wellington. drawing. walrus. social justice. flamingo.
(i think that it's brainless
to assume that making changes
to your window's view will give
a new perspective.
blacking out the friction / death cab for cutie)
Posted 5/7/2007 12:42 AM
violin. journalist. newsweek. constraints. jim carrey. jimmy stewart.
seriously. pillow. night. live. contrast. honor. ego.
cumulusclouds. slumber parties. kleenex. thermometer. locked. 15-year-promises. blueberries.
you. about. lemon-scented. dishwashing. love. practice. family&friends. forgiveness. europe. style. world. retail. rollerskates. wholesale. sidewalks. paintbrushes.
servant. freedom. comfort. citizens. truth. spectators. people. mundane. profound. awkward.
oil and vinegar. turtles. buttons. cones. blueprints. simplify. disciplined. grace. gospel truth. cicadas.
read. beauty. julia childs. toast. details. chords. skip. peanut butter. understated.
wellington. drawing. walrus. social justice. flamingo.
(i think that it's brainless
to assume that making changes
to your window's view will give
a new perspective.
blacking out the friction / death cab for cutie)
Posted 5/7/2007 12:42 AM
{ things that do not make sense. }
when i drive, i am a radio-flipper (especially as of late, when i brought my cds inside to put some of the newer ones on my computer and they havent made it back out yet.) that means i hear a lot of kinds of music, and also some really dumb lyrics. take this example:
this is why im hot. this is why, this is why, this is why im hot. im hot cause im fly; you ain't cause you not. this is why, this is why, this is why im hot.
tell me how this was made into a song. seriously. oh wait. i know how: the guys a poet. he rhymes hot and not. what talent.
and heres one: take a look at my girlfriend, shes the only one i got. shes not much of a girlfriend, but i never seem to get a lot. i love it when she calls my phone, she even got her very own ringtone. if that ain't love, i dont know what love is. who wrote this? is he married? has he ever met a girl?
this doesnt even begin to think about songs like "fergielicious." and "my humps" (i cant believe i forgot that one before. i hate that song.) ew.
new goal now that i have a job is to get out of debt. this is requiring me to spend time looking at money stuff and planning and stuff. this is overwhelmingly boring. not that i was never bored before this, like, say, in math class, but one would think that boring would end after school ended. also, i had to go to this meeting at work to learn how to work the new telephone system. it was totally boring and so i completely didnt pay attention though most of it. so i still dont know how to work the phones. and whenever i want to do something, i have to pull out the little instruction sheet. however, i resent being made to sit through the meeting, because i would have had a much more productive day actually working and the end result would be exactly the same, except i would have gotten some work done. someone explain to me how the business world makes any sense.
[ let no debt remian outstanding except the continuing debt to love one another. ]
its a little hard to believe about all the hurting in the world. its hard to see that a senior creative writing major shot and killed 30+ people. thats almost like me. well, except its really nothing like me, but i was a senior creative writing major not too long ago.
its hard to believe that when i got to last monday's morning meeting, i heard about 3 people who had committed suicide over the weekend. it was very sad. there is a lot of pain in the world. and a lot of hopelessness. and its hard to know that some of our oldest friends are hurting right now.
and i just wrote an article (which, unfortunately is not online yet) (and: i was happy with this article. i was funny and touching, if i do say so myself.) but i was basically just talking about visiting my grandparents. the point is, its hard to see them hurting, and unable to do things and discouraged. its hard to see my father sick (he threw up tonight. fortunately, i wasnt home when it happened, but, being the good daughter i am, i brought him 7up, and am staying far away.)
also, i have a really hard time trying to think about stuff sometimes. for example: i believe that we should be able to have guns. but then im like wait. not every idiot on the street should be able to get a gun. but then i think that if there were stricter punishements for crime and prisions were not basically daycamps, then that would help. and then i think but! the state shouldnt be that involved. anyway, its the families who should be taking care of their kids. and its the familys fault for letting their kids be dumb. so we should take away welfare, so the children have to be gainfully employed to eat, then they wouldnt have time to be running amok. but then i think that we ought to have compassion on those in need, so the idea of welfare isnt that bad (although the execution still needs some work). and theres more, but i forget it.
so i dont know what i think.
heres a story. one of the last days i was a sub, this kid comes up to me and asks me if i go to church. i said yes, and i asked him if he did and he said sometimes. but then he said "want to know how i knew that?" and i did, and he knew i went to church because i was wearing pearl earrings.
go figure.
(of course, there are lots of things that dont make sense. this is the slightest handful.)
i wonder if people think about me the way i think about them, sometimes. is my lack of punctuation annoying? do they get annoyed when i use excess words, or words that dont sound like me? do they wonder why im wearing two coats of mascara while im wondering why the heck they have on hot pink lipstick. i wonder if people actually think about the same sorts of things as me.
being real is a hard task indeed. learning stuff, doing stuff well, being funny, finding clothes to wear, and being disciplined= harder. being holy, loving people and forgiveness are very close to almost impossible. maybe. (but grace is offered.)
its nice to have someone to talk to about stuff. (i mean really talk about real stuff.) i have no idea why people dont to that more. and brownies cover a multitude of overwhelmities.
currently playing: deathcab for cutie // plans
Posted 4/22/2007 10:23 PM
this is why im hot. this is why, this is why, this is why im hot. im hot cause im fly; you ain't cause you not. this is why, this is why, this is why im hot.
tell me how this was made into a song. seriously. oh wait. i know how: the guys a poet. he rhymes hot and not. what talent.
and heres one: take a look at my girlfriend, shes the only one i got. shes not much of a girlfriend, but i never seem to get a lot. i love it when she calls my phone, she even got her very own ringtone. if that ain't love, i dont know what love is. who wrote this? is he married? has he ever met a girl?
this doesnt even begin to think about songs like "fergielicious." and "my humps" (i cant believe i forgot that one before. i hate that song.) ew.
new goal now that i have a job is to get out of debt. this is requiring me to spend time looking at money stuff and planning and stuff. this is overwhelmingly boring. not that i was never bored before this, like, say, in math class, but one would think that boring would end after school ended. also, i had to go to this meeting at work to learn how to work the new telephone system. it was totally boring and so i completely didnt pay attention though most of it. so i still dont know how to work the phones. and whenever i want to do something, i have to pull out the little instruction sheet. however, i resent being made to sit through the meeting, because i would have had a much more productive day actually working and the end result would be exactly the same, except i would have gotten some work done. someone explain to me how the business world makes any sense.
[ let no debt remian outstanding except the continuing debt to love one another. ]
its a little hard to believe about all the hurting in the world. its hard to see that a senior creative writing major shot and killed 30+ people. thats almost like me. well, except its really nothing like me, but i was a senior creative writing major not too long ago.
its hard to believe that when i got to last monday's morning meeting, i heard about 3 people who had committed suicide over the weekend. it was very sad. there is a lot of pain in the world. and a lot of hopelessness. and its hard to know that some of our oldest friends are hurting right now.
and i just wrote an article (which, unfortunately is not online yet) (and: i was happy with this article. i was funny and touching, if i do say so myself.) but i was basically just talking about visiting my grandparents. the point is, its hard to see them hurting, and unable to do things and discouraged. its hard to see my father sick (he threw up tonight. fortunately, i wasnt home when it happened, but, being the good daughter i am, i brought him 7up, and am staying far away.)
also, i have a really hard time trying to think about stuff sometimes. for example: i believe that we should be able to have guns. but then im like wait. not every idiot on the street should be able to get a gun. but then i think that if there were stricter punishements for crime and prisions were not basically daycamps, then that would help. and then i think but! the state shouldnt be that involved. anyway, its the families who should be taking care of their kids. and its the familys fault for letting their kids be dumb. so we should take away welfare, so the children have to be gainfully employed to eat, then they wouldnt have time to be running amok. but then i think that we ought to have compassion on those in need, so the idea of welfare isnt that bad (although the execution still needs some work). and theres more, but i forget it.
so i dont know what i think.
heres a story. one of the last days i was a sub, this kid comes up to me and asks me if i go to church. i said yes, and i asked him if he did and he said sometimes. but then he said "want to know how i knew that?" and i did, and he knew i went to church because i was wearing pearl earrings.
go figure.
(of course, there are lots of things that dont make sense. this is the slightest handful.)
i wonder if people think about me the way i think about them, sometimes. is my lack of punctuation annoying? do they get annoyed when i use excess words, or words that dont sound like me? do they wonder why im wearing two coats of mascara while im wondering why the heck they have on hot pink lipstick. i wonder if people actually think about the same sorts of things as me.
being real is a hard task indeed. learning stuff, doing stuff well, being funny, finding clothes to wear, and being disciplined= harder. being holy, loving people and forgiveness are very close to almost impossible. maybe. (but grace is offered.)
its nice to have someone to talk to about stuff. (i mean really talk about real stuff.) i have no idea why people dont to that more. and brownies cover a multitude of overwhelmities.
currently playing: deathcab for cutie // plans
Posted 4/22/2007 10:23 PM
{ things i have been doing }
1. traveling
actually, this was last week, as i didnt get to actually go anywhere for my real spring break this week. i went with my mother and sisters to see my grandparents in texas last week. it wasnt really a fun trip, but it was good to see them.
these are my questions: 1. why is gas so freaking expensive? it jumped 30ish cents in the past week. gross.
2. how come people and hotels dont think that details matter? i mean, really. how hard can it be to open the hotel-order-decorations-magazine and realize that something besides teal green and peach would be nice to decorate the rooms with? our new favorite hotels are the holiday inn express ones, just cause they feel the least like an eighties bridesmaid dress or dentist office in general. they have real pillows and nice big towels and showers and free breakfast and it doesnt look like a hotel. they have real art, even. props to them. but--why did it take so long for them to figure that out? and why doesnt everyone else figure it out? they would make more money that way, pretty sure.
2. music-ing
my cousin has unlimited downloads on napster for $15 a month or something ridiculous. and i dont really like napster (i think its unnecessarily complicated), but i managed to download lots of awesome new music when i was there (hopefully while i was at it, i expanded her taste from just justin timberlake and christina (dont judge too harshly, shes 14). (by the way, im always so disappointed in christitna agulara (sp?) because one time i watched this whole special all about how she studied opera and all this really really good music stuff and shes so, so talented, and shes just wasting it.) it has been quite the challange to get it to play on my computer, but i think i have it so i can at least play it, if nothing else.
(new favorite band from this venture: meese.)
3. cooking
somehow in texas i got put in charge of cooking.
i cant cook. goodness. but i learned, and everything was edible. i felt like izzy stevens though, cause there were sometimes i didnt know what to do to help my grandparents (who are getting very old, by the way) so instead i just baked cakes. and i am good at that. somehow, the one thing that i can manage to make very tastily is icing. mmmmmm. its good, if i do say so myself.
maybe if i keep cooking, ill be good at it, but im not getting my hopes up. and of course, its hard to say whether tasting good or getting done at the right time is more important. because im decent at getting everything done all together. it does suck to have your mashed potatoes be sitting there in front of you getting nice and cooled off while youre waiting for your steak to finish cooking. it also sucks to have to eat your whole meal and then have the rolls for dessert, cause someone forgot to put them in on time. so: on time i can do. yay.
and now its easter, so ill be baking cookies and bread all afternoon. and the cookies will have sprinkles, probably. God help us all.
(im not sure why sprinkles are so traumatic, but they are sometimes. i think it might have to do with the extra mess it produces.)
4. writing
trying to write this article right now.
im so out of practice! im having such a hard time. goodness.
5. eastering
we've been singing all the easter songs for good friday and such. we sang such a lovely latin-y version of o sacred head now wounded. i like songs that sound like that. they make me wish i was catholic almost--there is something majestic about liturgy. but its cool. also, i just like singing in that almost-opera way. one feels very refined and amused while doing so. and its just so wonderfully shiver-y.
my favorite moment of easter, hands down, (besides the obligatory but still true and lovely death and resurrection) is the curtain rip in the temple. its just so terrifying and mysterious and lovely and meaningful. mmm. i like it.
and its going to be so cold this easter! im going to have to wear my christmas dress instead of easter, so i dont freeze. like our poor tulips outside.
6. getting
a job! yes, i think im employed.
its with peoria rescue ministries (which include a homeless shelter for men, and women (but seperately) and all kinds of things. and i will be the public relations coordinator, eventually. first i get to just hang out and learn stuff with the current PR person before she and her husband move away to seminary. people keep asking me if im excited. and i am. but i think thats overwhelmed by 1) the relief that someone wanted to hire me and my education wasnt totally useless. and 2) nervous! im so nervous and scared. lots of responsibility here.
and i dont know what im doing. my minor was PR, but i only know about 5 minutes worth of it.
oh dear.
they already gave me an umbrella.
also, this job comes with rules. im not allowed to get married within the next 6 months. not sure why that is. but he said to me and i quote: "so, once the business manager comes back into town, you can fill out all the forms for taxes." and so on and so forth. and then, as i was leaving he was all like, "oh, and no getting married in the next six months! you know that, right?" (i said "dont worry sir, i dont think im in much danger of that." but i wonder why anyway.)
so. there it is.
7. shopping
and right after i start, i have to go to this formal dinner to see how to do it and the invitation says "dressy attire." can anyone explain what that means? its nicer than sunday clothes, but not black tie. what does that even constitute?! i have no idea. do any of you know? if you do, please tell me!
if you are male, count yourselves very blessed.
and again, i would be very, very happy to have the wardrobe possibilieies of jackie kennedy O. and lorelai gilmore.
there seems like theres more stuff (like sleepover-ing and reading and spring cleaning and stuff), but oh well.
i was in the grocery store yesterday and i told the wonderful grandmotherly lady with burgendy pink fingernails and lots of jewelry
happy easter.
she said
ohh, same to you, sweets.
(and i'll second that.)
Posted 4/7/2007 1:09 PM
actually, this was last week, as i didnt get to actually go anywhere for my real spring break this week. i went with my mother and sisters to see my grandparents in texas last week. it wasnt really a fun trip, but it was good to see them.
these are my questions: 1. why is gas so freaking expensive? it jumped 30ish cents in the past week. gross.
2. how come people and hotels dont think that details matter? i mean, really. how hard can it be to open the hotel-order-decorations-magazine and realize that something besides teal green and peach would be nice to decorate the rooms with? our new favorite hotels are the holiday inn express ones, just cause they feel the least like an eighties bridesmaid dress or dentist office in general. they have real pillows and nice big towels and showers and free breakfast and it doesnt look like a hotel. they have real art, even. props to them. but--why did it take so long for them to figure that out? and why doesnt everyone else figure it out? they would make more money that way, pretty sure.
2. music-ing
my cousin has unlimited downloads on napster for $15 a month or something ridiculous. and i dont really like napster (i think its unnecessarily complicated), but i managed to download lots of awesome new music when i was there (hopefully while i was at it, i expanded her taste from just justin timberlake and christina (dont judge too harshly, shes 14). (by the way, im always so disappointed in christitna agulara (sp?) because one time i watched this whole special all about how she studied opera and all this really really good music stuff and shes so, so talented, and shes just wasting it.) it has been quite the challange to get it to play on my computer, but i think i have it so i can at least play it, if nothing else.
(new favorite band from this venture: meese.)
3. cooking
somehow in texas i got put in charge of cooking.
i cant cook. goodness. but i learned, and everything was edible. i felt like izzy stevens though, cause there were sometimes i didnt know what to do to help my grandparents (who are getting very old, by the way) so instead i just baked cakes. and i am good at that. somehow, the one thing that i can manage to make very tastily is icing. mmmmmm. its good, if i do say so myself.
maybe if i keep cooking, ill be good at it, but im not getting my hopes up. and of course, its hard to say whether tasting good or getting done at the right time is more important. because im decent at getting everything done all together. it does suck to have your mashed potatoes be sitting there in front of you getting nice and cooled off while youre waiting for your steak to finish cooking. it also sucks to have to eat your whole meal and then have the rolls for dessert, cause someone forgot to put them in on time. so: on time i can do. yay.
and now its easter, so ill be baking cookies and bread all afternoon. and the cookies will have sprinkles, probably. God help us all.
(im not sure why sprinkles are so traumatic, but they are sometimes. i think it might have to do with the extra mess it produces.)
4. writing
trying to write this article right now.
im so out of practice! im having such a hard time. goodness.
5. eastering
we've been singing all the easter songs for good friday and such. we sang such a lovely latin-y version of o sacred head now wounded. i like songs that sound like that. they make me wish i was catholic almost--there is something majestic about liturgy. but its cool. also, i just like singing in that almost-opera way. one feels very refined and amused while doing so. and its just so wonderfully shiver-y.
my favorite moment of easter, hands down, (besides the obligatory but still true and lovely death and resurrection) is the curtain rip in the temple. its just so terrifying and mysterious and lovely and meaningful. mmm. i like it.
and its going to be so cold this easter! im going to have to wear my christmas dress instead of easter, so i dont freeze. like our poor tulips outside.
6. getting
a job! yes, i think im employed.
its with peoria rescue ministries (which include a homeless shelter for men, and women (but seperately) and all kinds of things. and i will be the public relations coordinator, eventually. first i get to just hang out and learn stuff with the current PR person before she and her husband move away to seminary. people keep asking me if im excited. and i am. but i think thats overwhelmed by 1) the relief that someone wanted to hire me and my education wasnt totally useless. and 2) nervous! im so nervous and scared. lots of responsibility here.
and i dont know what im doing. my minor was PR, but i only know about 5 minutes worth of it.
oh dear.
they already gave me an umbrella.
also, this job comes with rules. im not allowed to get married within the next 6 months. not sure why that is. but he said to me and i quote: "so, once the business manager comes back into town, you can fill out all the forms for taxes." and so on and so forth. and then, as i was leaving he was all like, "oh, and no getting married in the next six months! you know that, right?" (i said "dont worry sir, i dont think im in much danger of that." but i wonder why anyway.)
so. there it is.
7. shopping
and right after i start, i have to go to this formal dinner to see how to do it and the invitation says "dressy attire." can anyone explain what that means? its nicer than sunday clothes, but not black tie. what does that even constitute?! i have no idea. do any of you know? if you do, please tell me!
if you are male, count yourselves very blessed.
and again, i would be very, very happy to have the wardrobe possibilieies of jackie kennedy O. and lorelai gilmore.
there seems like theres more stuff (like sleepover-ing and reading and spring cleaning and stuff), but oh well.
i was in the grocery store yesterday and i told the wonderful grandmotherly lady with burgendy pink fingernails and lots of jewelry
happy easter.
she said
ohh, same to you, sweets.
(and i'll second that.)
Posted 4/7/2007 1:09 PM
leave it to beaver
so, a lot has happened.
and a lot hasnt happened.
its hard to know where to begin, really [which is why i shouldnt let myself not write]. the past month overall has been pretty good?. work was alright, i went to a wedding that was so fun, ive been watching good things and reading good things and hanging out with the family. and then: the last week has been completely sucky. completely. (except for on tuesday when i received 50 recipe cards with little happy beavers on them by accident, because in what universe is that not happy?) (but what the heck am i going to do with 50 accidental recipe cards with happy little beavers on them?! i cant even cook)
details are more or less superfluous at this point, but basically, i felt expendable. (and traumatized). and i was (so) hurt. and mad. and i cried. twice.
and i am not a crier. not one bit.
and i hate things that make me cry.
and: i wish those things wouldnt happen.
even so, i quit crying eventually. and things are better, more-or-less. and im not complaining.
and then i made a list. here it is.
these are things that i am learning:
1. even though things totally suck, i have to trust. --yes, and praise the one who orders the universe.
2. not only do i have to trust, but i also have to try and not be bitter. and even forgive. even though i am bitter and do not want to forgive.
3. sucky things do not just happen to me. they happen to everyone. i must pay attention and care for others. cause im not the most important.
4. tap dancing is severely overlooked and underappreciated nowadays, as is dancing in general. (yeah. no one puts baby in the corner.)
5. some things are not my calling. and some things are not my fault and beyond my control.
6. i dont know what my calling is. it is not a lot of things. and it is not tapdancing, which is sad. but theres no rush. things will happen as they will. i just need to be ready. and as not scared as i can manage.
7. i am becoming thankful for things i never thought i would be thankful for--things like production nights until 5 in the morning and working at gross resturants.
8. stationery is important. using it, moreso.
9. theres not many things decent conversations, swisscakerolls (or oatmeal cream pies, if you will), and good, funny things wont fix. these things are key. they can help things you didnt know were even wrong.
10. what do you know. i like mediterranian food. and swisscakerolls. but not twinkies. just today i heard someone listing ridiculous things and they said: and pretty soon, we'll have organic twinkies. they're right, thats ridiculous.
11. also: being wanted is so, so wonderful. (oh thursdays.)
12. even when you run out of options, sometimes, there are still more. they are called surprise options.
13. privilege has no D in it. who knew.
14. oftentimes the search is more imporant than what you are looking for; othertimes what you find is the important part. but for sure--dont skip the looking.
15. in the scheme of things, things are okay. i am okay. God is good. i am (more-or-less) content. the world is full of possibilities. and it is spring, after all.
16. this is why piddling is important. and i like it. also, i would be happy if i could grow up and dress like jackie O and lorelai gilmore combined. very happy.
17. punctuation matters. really.
18. happy beaver recipe cards are awesome.
[nobody ever had a dream around here, but i dont really mind that its starting to get to me.
we’ve seen it all: bonfires of trust, flash floods of pain.
it doesn’t really matter. don’t you worry, it’ll all work out?]
currently playing: the killers // sam's town
Posted 3/25/2007 1:09 AM
and a lot hasnt happened.
its hard to know where to begin, really [which is why i shouldnt let myself not write]. the past month overall has been pretty good?. work was alright, i went to a wedding that was so fun, ive been watching good things and reading good things and hanging out with the family. and then: the last week has been completely sucky. completely. (except for on tuesday when i received 50 recipe cards with little happy beavers on them by accident, because in what universe is that not happy?) (but what the heck am i going to do with 50 accidental recipe cards with happy little beavers on them?! i cant even cook)
details are more or less superfluous at this point, but basically, i felt expendable. (and traumatized). and i was (so) hurt. and mad. and i cried. twice.
and i am not a crier. not one bit.
and i hate things that make me cry.
and: i wish those things wouldnt happen.
even so, i quit crying eventually. and things are better, more-or-less. and im not complaining.
and then i made a list. here it is.
these are things that i am learning:
1. even though things totally suck, i have to trust. --yes, and praise the one who orders the universe.
2. not only do i have to trust, but i also have to try and not be bitter. and even forgive. even though i am bitter and do not want to forgive.
3. sucky things do not just happen to me. they happen to everyone. i must pay attention and care for others. cause im not the most important.
4. tap dancing is severely overlooked and underappreciated nowadays, as is dancing in general. (yeah. no one puts baby in the corner.)
5. some things are not my calling. and some things are not my fault and beyond my control.
6. i dont know what my calling is. it is not a lot of things. and it is not tapdancing, which is sad. but theres no rush. things will happen as they will. i just need to be ready. and as not scared as i can manage.
7. i am becoming thankful for things i never thought i would be thankful for--things like production nights until 5 in the morning and working at gross resturants.
8. stationery is important. using it, moreso.
9. theres not many things decent conversations, swisscakerolls (or oatmeal cream pies, if you will), and good, funny things wont fix. these things are key. they can help things you didnt know were even wrong.
10. what do you know. i like mediterranian food. and swisscakerolls. but not twinkies. just today i heard someone listing ridiculous things and they said: and pretty soon, we'll have organic twinkies. they're right, thats ridiculous.
11. also: being wanted is so, so wonderful. (oh thursdays.)
12. even when you run out of options, sometimes, there are still more. they are called surprise options.
13. privilege has no D in it. who knew.
14. oftentimes the search is more imporant than what you are looking for; othertimes what you find is the important part. but for sure--dont skip the looking.
15. in the scheme of things, things are okay. i am okay. God is good. i am (more-or-less) content. the world is full of possibilities. and it is spring, after all.
16. this is why piddling is important. and i like it. also, i would be happy if i could grow up and dress like jackie O and lorelai gilmore combined. very happy.
17. punctuation matters. really.
18. happy beaver recipe cards are awesome.
[nobody ever had a dream around here, but i dont really mind that its starting to get to me.
we’ve seen it all: bonfires of trust, flash floods of pain.
it doesn’t really matter. don’t you worry, it’ll all work out?]
currently playing: the killers // sam's town
Posted 3/25/2007 1:09 AM
the continuation.
[part one was 01.17.07]
[ the continuation. 02.04.07]
(first, a few additions/clarifications. im not ready to get married right now. but when i do, here are some qualifications: ive got to marry a guy who likes salsa chunks. i feel so bad leaving all my chunks all the time, and at present i dont even have roommates to eat them. and: he should walk at a similar speed to me. and have nice ears. we have to laugh a lot, and a few other things, but those are important ones. oh yeah, and when i said i would rather fight than be indifferent, i didnt mean i wanted to fight. more like what anne said: i think i'd like it if he could be wicked, and wouldnt. yes, i am planning on marrying someone whom i love very much. also, the new plan is to get married to someone with the last name of edwards, maybe, and then ill have the same name as julie andrews did when she got married and then when i write a book, everyone will want to buy it because they think that julie andrews wrote it, and everyone should read everything she wrote, because shes amazing. isnt that a good plan? the end again.)
right, so i think i can safely? say that i am in a good place. i own less than i ever have.i dont have a real job. and my job for right now is hard. most of my real-est friends arent here. i havent written a single, solitary thing, rendering my degree useless. i dont know what i want to do. im not getting married. i dont even know whats going on. but its good. there have been ever-so-small, but still present, moments of grace and guidance. and i am learning to trust.
(also, daddy went to mayo clinic, and came back with no diagnosis. but they think that its treatable anyway. geez. and we were so worried about him. thank you all for your prayers. dont stop, just on principle.)
[ the continuation 02.15.07]
i dont understand things.im a little bitter right now, so im sorry about that. this is why:i turned down the first job offer to do something i thought was more important. and then i got put into a place where i might get to do that more important thing. in short, i inherited a sixth grade class. they are really not that great. but i kindof liked them. and i thought i was doing the right thing. now i might not get them anymore. maybe i cant be a foster parent. ive only had them for a week and im illogically depressed about leaving them. there was so much more they need to know! i want them to be successful. and right now, they cant even punctuate sentences properly.and yes, these two things are directly related. and one of them gave me a valentine.[i caught a girl blatently cheating on a test last week and so i wrote her a detention and, after checking with the principle to be sure, gave her a zero percent, with a note as to why. as i handed things back today, she read it and said: "a zero? thats bogus. i did not deserve a zero. thats just dumb." i ask you: what is the world coming to?]
there are other jobs, but i dont know how to get them. they do not teach you this in college.shall i try to teach? make the other place (that i really wanted and was so excited about) want me? is that even possible?someone tell me how to send someone a decent portfolio that makes them want you? please?and: i have a cold.and: because my graysanatomy friends arent here to watch it with me, ive dragged my father into watching it with me. (btw: he started his treatment for whatever type of lymphoma he has today, and its not chemo, which is great. and he wont die from it, and thats great.) i imagine its funny to see us watch it. im all squeal, squeal and hes all calm down, its just tv. but you know hes all into it too.and: meredith gray has the same shoes as me. i will never let my mothers comments about my needing a different pair shoes bother me ever again. because i do have a different pair. i just like these. and i know she does too, deep down. or will, once i tell her that if i keep wearing them, ill lose 28 pounds and get to be on tv.and: i miss my friends. and i suck-a-mug at keeping in touch. and thats sucky.
[the continuation 02.09.07]
i used to think, when i was little that brian busby [who was our local weatherman] was the weatherman for everywhere. and then i saw him somewhere and i got his autograph and i was so excited.i feel like very little of what made me me last year, or last semester even is misplaced. like i said: i havent written-- i cant. my friends arent here. i dont have my coziest little dorm and i cant make brownies anytime i want. heck, i cant even go to walmart after 11 pm 1) because the closest one closes and 2) its so ghettofabulous, that even if it was open, i'd be too scared to go, straight up.the question is: am i still me? i would like to think so. i liked me. i need someone here to help me find me. and an editor.
in the new testament, the jews wanted to change the whole world. Jesus asked just to change them, personally. this is (almost?) harder; no wonder they didnt want him. i understand this. i want to change the world, too; he wants me to change.i want to be someone who knows how to treat people. apparently my age group is a hard age group to talk to: it seems hard for people. we arent little, definately. we arent teenagers either. but i wouldnt call myself a grown-up. im half and half. or 60/40. or something. blessed is the one who knows how to talk to us without being condescending or nervous, or dumb, but rather being honest and funny and caring and even when we say stupid things, which is bound to happen, just loving us anyway. i want to be one of these people.and i want to improve my handwriting and read more. (ive been working on this.) and ive been baking bread, and knitting. you can call me marthastewart, cause thats my middle name. er. something.
[the continuation 01.24.07]
i have not ended up anywhere, yet.
[the continuation 02.12.07]
there should be a study on what our stamps say about us. i think ive finally reached a place in my life where my stamps of choice are the superhero ones. i never read comics or anything, though. what does this mean?
Posted 2/15/2007 11:14 PM -
[ the continuation. 02.04.07]
(first, a few additions/clarifications. im not ready to get married right now. but when i do, here are some qualifications: ive got to marry a guy who likes salsa chunks. i feel so bad leaving all my chunks all the time, and at present i dont even have roommates to eat them. and: he should walk at a similar speed to me. and have nice ears. we have to laugh a lot, and a few other things, but those are important ones. oh yeah, and when i said i would rather fight than be indifferent, i didnt mean i wanted to fight. more like what anne said: i think i'd like it if he could be wicked, and wouldnt. yes, i am planning on marrying someone whom i love very much. also, the new plan is to get married to someone with the last name of edwards, maybe, and then ill have the same name as julie andrews did when she got married and then when i write a book, everyone will want to buy it because they think that julie andrews wrote it, and everyone should read everything she wrote, because shes amazing. isnt that a good plan? the end again.)
right, so i think i can safely? say that i am in a good place. i own less than i ever have.i dont have a real job. and my job for right now is hard. most of my real-est friends arent here. i havent written a single, solitary thing, rendering my degree useless. i dont know what i want to do. im not getting married. i dont even know whats going on. but its good. there have been ever-so-small, but still present, moments of grace and guidance. and i am learning to trust.
(also, daddy went to mayo clinic, and came back with no diagnosis. but they think that its treatable anyway. geez. and we were so worried about him. thank you all for your prayers. dont stop, just on principle.)
[ the continuation 02.15.07]
i dont understand things.im a little bitter right now, so im sorry about that. this is why:i turned down the first job offer to do something i thought was more important. and then i got put into a place where i might get to do that more important thing. in short, i inherited a sixth grade class. they are really not that great. but i kindof liked them. and i thought i was doing the right thing. now i might not get them anymore. maybe i cant be a foster parent. ive only had them for a week and im illogically depressed about leaving them. there was so much more they need to know! i want them to be successful. and right now, they cant even punctuate sentences properly.and yes, these two things are directly related. and one of them gave me a valentine.[i caught a girl blatently cheating on a test last week and so i wrote her a detention and, after checking with the principle to be sure, gave her a zero percent, with a note as to why. as i handed things back today, she read it and said: "a zero? thats bogus. i did not deserve a zero. thats just dumb." i ask you: what is the world coming to?]
there are other jobs, but i dont know how to get them. they do not teach you this in college.shall i try to teach? make the other place (that i really wanted and was so excited about) want me? is that even possible?someone tell me how to send someone a decent portfolio that makes them want you? please?and: i have a cold.and: because my graysanatomy friends arent here to watch it with me, ive dragged my father into watching it with me. (btw: he started his treatment for whatever type of lymphoma he has today, and its not chemo, which is great. and he wont die from it, and thats great.) i imagine its funny to see us watch it. im all squeal, squeal and hes all calm down, its just tv. but you know hes all into it too.and: meredith gray has the same shoes as me. i will never let my mothers comments about my needing a different pair shoes bother me ever again. because i do have a different pair. i just like these. and i know she does too, deep down. or will, once i tell her that if i keep wearing them, ill lose 28 pounds and get to be on tv.and: i miss my friends. and i suck-a-mug at keeping in touch. and thats sucky.
[the continuation 02.09.07]
i used to think, when i was little that brian busby [who was our local weatherman] was the weatherman for everywhere. and then i saw him somewhere and i got his autograph and i was so excited.i feel like very little of what made me me last year, or last semester even is misplaced. like i said: i havent written-- i cant. my friends arent here. i dont have my coziest little dorm and i cant make brownies anytime i want. heck, i cant even go to walmart after 11 pm 1) because the closest one closes and 2) its so ghettofabulous, that even if it was open, i'd be too scared to go, straight up.the question is: am i still me? i would like to think so. i liked me. i need someone here to help me find me. and an editor.
in the new testament, the jews wanted to change the whole world. Jesus asked just to change them, personally. this is (almost?) harder; no wonder they didnt want him. i understand this. i want to change the world, too; he wants me to change.i want to be someone who knows how to treat people. apparently my age group is a hard age group to talk to: it seems hard for people. we arent little, definately. we arent teenagers either. but i wouldnt call myself a grown-up. im half and half. or 60/40. or something. blessed is the one who knows how to talk to us without being condescending or nervous, or dumb, but rather being honest and funny and caring and even when we say stupid things, which is bound to happen, just loving us anyway. i want to be one of these people.and i want to improve my handwriting and read more. (ive been working on this.) and ive been baking bread, and knitting. you can call me marthastewart, cause thats my middle name. er. something.
[the continuation 01.24.07]
i have not ended up anywhere, yet.
[the continuation 02.12.07]
there should be a study on what our stamps say about us. i think ive finally reached a place in my life where my stamps of choice are the superhero ones. i never read comics or anything, though. what does this mean?
Posted 2/15/2007 11:14 PM -
[an aside]
[ first, the p.s.]
if you would, pray for my dad tomorrow (tuesday, january 23, 2007)? hes having a biopsy--he was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma last week and this will help determine what to do next and stuff. im sorry if i havent gotten around to telling you in personally; we've been running around like chickens, mostly. so yeah, just pray he doesnt have to lose his hair. and that it gets better. (and while youre at it, pray in general just for the necessity of it. and also, i need a job. or a million dollars.) thanks, loves.
[ now: an aside ]
before i get around to talking about the present confusion in my own life (and the continuation of the previous post, although i suppose this is, in some way, a different part of that same continuation) i shall pause for a moment to talk about the future confusion that is almost guraenteed.
at the risk of sounding (at least momentarily, and perhaps longer) like one of those girls who thinks constantly and singularly about marriage, wedding planning and baby names, i did want to document these thoughts while they still made a smidgin of sense in my head, not to mention while they were still around.
>>> first off, there is the subject of marriage. i do want to get married of course; however, i dont imagine i am ready to pursue any such endeavor any time soon. however, i have been reading this book that has made me think much harder about the order of things and my priorities therein. this paragraph says it all. oh wait. there is too much; let me sum up:
"but i wonder if it wouldnt be the most radical and even progressive act an ambitious women could commit. right now, we live our lives exactly backwards. we pursue careers when we are hardly ready for them and then try to marry and have children when that is far more difficult later to do the older we get. wouldnt it be something if we did things as they were perhaps intended and get married to someone fabulous and stay that way for the rest of your life, have kids while you still have the energy to stay up all night with them and enjoy them, and then when they are older, pursue various other passions and enjoy your family all grown up and your husband. this will require sacrifice and perhaps the rearrangement of our plans, but this is how we grow and find contentment and besides, it will be ridiculously and unbelieveably well worth it."
-- paraphrased from what our mothers didnt tell us: why happiness eludes the modern woman by danielle crittenden
perhaps i have previously had things in the wrong order? or maybe the wrong priorities, anyway. the question still remains, of course, about the correct way in which to go about filling these expectations and how the feminism that is engrained in my head, even though i dont actually believe in it, figures in with this. it is a hard thing to balance, which is probably why so many women have such a hard time with it.
what to do, what to do. besides, i still dont think im ready to get married any time soon, but who even knows. not me!
heres a really good article about the subject. (and i know the guy who wrote it!)
and also, at the end of this month, my parents will have been married 25 years. my goodness.
i find the timing of this thinking slightly ironic, seeing as i guess ill have to find a boy if im going to get married. and, just for the record, i'd rather marry someone i hated than someone i was indifferent about. the end.
>>> secondly, there is the subject of weddings. if i do change the order of things, as suggested, then fairly soon, i might be getting married. either way, i would hope to eventually. someone told me that i should start planning my wedding now, and thereby account for my ridiculous indecisiveness. if i start planning now, i might only change my mind a thousand times instead of more than that, and i might not drive my future husband absolutely crazy.
i only know this: entirely too much money is currently spent on weddings. theres no reason for someone to spend $50,000+ on one's wedding. and also, at my wedding, there will be none of this adult-only business. we're going to have a party! and its going to be a freakingawesome time. and everyone should be there. the end again.
>>> and then children. (once again, it all comes back to the elementary school sayings: first comes love and then marriage, and then the baby in the baby carriage. and just the other day i got to explain to someone what XYZ meant, cause they had missed that. o dear.) but im pretty sure i still want a lot of kids. i was thinking the other day that if i happen to be a bad mother, then having a lot of kids might be the way to go. i mean, if i just had one kid and it was hideous, people would be like what the freak. but if i had 8 kids and they werent so well behaved, people would just say oh that poor dear, trying to handle all those kids alone all day. and thats nicer.
also, a new plan for me might be to foster care leading to adoption. (well, actually, half and half, maybe.) one important factor being that this would accomplish having the lots of kids without necessarily resigning myself to be fat for the rest of my life. i think i would prefer domestic adoption (as in, not starving children in africa, but hurting and need-ful children in america) and it would give kids a chance to get out of a hurtful situation and into a better one. and i think the government might pay you, if i heard correctly. we shall see.
this is all spectulation on my part, you know.
kids are becoming more important to me, i think. i mean, i never thought i'd want to teach at all, but i think i like it. or at least, i think i like substituting for a while. but scarier too. im not sure i'll be a good mother to a million kids. or even just 6 or 8 of them. (sigh.)
but if you dont want a lot of kids (which you should want at least several, if not a lot), go to the library and either read or listen to the audio book of cheaper by the dozen. its awesome.
and no matter how many kids you have, name them something decent. ive said it once, and ill say it again. you dont want everyone laughing at your kids name when its printed in the graduation program. goodness knows theres not much else to do at graduations besides examine everyones names in the program.
okay. thats enough of that.
Posted 1/22/2007 11:51 PM
if you would, pray for my dad tomorrow (tuesday, january 23, 2007)? hes having a biopsy--he was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma last week and this will help determine what to do next and stuff. im sorry if i havent gotten around to telling you in personally; we've been running around like chickens, mostly. so yeah, just pray he doesnt have to lose his hair. and that it gets better. (and while youre at it, pray in general just for the necessity of it. and also, i need a job. or a million dollars.) thanks, loves.
[ now: an aside ]
before i get around to talking about the present confusion in my own life (and the continuation of the previous post, although i suppose this is, in some way, a different part of that same continuation) i shall pause for a moment to talk about the future confusion that is almost guraenteed.
at the risk of sounding (at least momentarily, and perhaps longer) like one of those girls who thinks constantly and singularly about marriage, wedding planning and baby names, i did want to document these thoughts while they still made a smidgin of sense in my head, not to mention while they were still around.
>>> first off, there is the subject of marriage. i do want to get married of course; however, i dont imagine i am ready to pursue any such endeavor any time soon. however, i have been reading this book that has made me think much harder about the order of things and my priorities therein. this paragraph says it all. oh wait. there is too much; let me sum up:
"but i wonder if it wouldnt be the most radical and even progressive act an ambitious women could commit. right now, we live our lives exactly backwards. we pursue careers when we are hardly ready for them and then try to marry and have children when that is far more difficult later to do the older we get. wouldnt it be something if we did things as they were perhaps intended and get married to someone fabulous and stay that way for the rest of your life, have kids while you still have the energy to stay up all night with them and enjoy them, and then when they are older, pursue various other passions and enjoy your family all grown up and your husband. this will require sacrifice and perhaps the rearrangement of our plans, but this is how we grow and find contentment and besides, it will be ridiculously and unbelieveably well worth it."
-- paraphrased from what our mothers didnt tell us: why happiness eludes the modern woman by danielle crittenden
perhaps i have previously had things in the wrong order? or maybe the wrong priorities, anyway. the question still remains, of course, about the correct way in which to go about filling these expectations and how the feminism that is engrained in my head, even though i dont actually believe in it, figures in with this. it is a hard thing to balance, which is probably why so many women have such a hard time with it.
what to do, what to do. besides, i still dont think im ready to get married any time soon, but who even knows. not me!
heres a really good article about the subject. (and i know the guy who wrote it!)
and also, at the end of this month, my parents will have been married 25 years. my goodness.
i find the timing of this thinking slightly ironic, seeing as i guess ill have to find a boy if im going to get married. and, just for the record, i'd rather marry someone i hated than someone i was indifferent about. the end.
>>> secondly, there is the subject of weddings. if i do change the order of things, as suggested, then fairly soon, i might be getting married. either way, i would hope to eventually. someone told me that i should start planning my wedding now, and thereby account for my ridiculous indecisiveness. if i start planning now, i might only change my mind a thousand times instead of more than that, and i might not drive my future husband absolutely crazy.
i only know this: entirely too much money is currently spent on weddings. theres no reason for someone to spend $50,000+ on one's wedding. and also, at my wedding, there will be none of this adult-only business. we're going to have a party! and its going to be a freakingawesome time. and everyone should be there. the end again.
>>> and then children. (once again, it all comes back to the elementary school sayings: first comes love and then marriage, and then the baby in the baby carriage. and just the other day i got to explain to someone what XYZ meant, cause they had missed that. o dear.) but im pretty sure i still want a lot of kids. i was thinking the other day that if i happen to be a bad mother, then having a lot of kids might be the way to go. i mean, if i just had one kid and it was hideous, people would be like what the freak. but if i had 8 kids and they werent so well behaved, people would just say oh that poor dear, trying to handle all those kids alone all day. and thats nicer.
also, a new plan for me might be to foster care leading to adoption. (well, actually, half and half, maybe.) one important factor being that this would accomplish having the lots of kids without necessarily resigning myself to be fat for the rest of my life. i think i would prefer domestic adoption (as in, not starving children in africa, but hurting and need-ful children in america) and it would give kids a chance to get out of a hurtful situation and into a better one. and i think the government might pay you, if i heard correctly. we shall see.
this is all spectulation on my part, you know.
kids are becoming more important to me, i think. i mean, i never thought i'd want to teach at all, but i think i like it. or at least, i think i like substituting for a while. but scarier too. im not sure i'll be a good mother to a million kids. or even just 6 or 8 of them. (sigh.)
but if you dont want a lot of kids (which you should want at least several, if not a lot), go to the library and either read or listen to the audio book of cheaper by the dozen. its awesome.
and no matter how many kids you have, name them something decent. ive said it once, and ill say it again. you dont want everyone laughing at your kids name when its printed in the graduation program. goodness knows theres not much else to do at graduations besides examine everyones names in the program.
okay. thats enough of that.
Posted 1/22/2007 11:51 PM
i can give you that.
I.
hominess is not neatness.
otherwise everyone would live in replicas of the kinds of sterile
( and impersonal)
homes that appear in interior design and architectural magazines.
what these spotless rooms lack, or what crafty photographers have carefully removed,
is any evidence of human occupation.
in spite of the artfully placed vases and casually arranged art books,
the imprint of the inhabitants is still missing. these pristine interiors fascinate and repel me.
can people really live without clutter? how do they stop the sunday papers from spreading over the living room?
how do they manage without toothpaste tubes and half-used soap bars in their bathrooms?
where do they hide the detritus of their daily lives?
from home: a short history of an idea, page 19
II.
and i have (nearly) nothing to my name,
but i can give you that.
from caedmon's call: somewhere north
III.
to be continued.
Posted 1/17/2007 9:54 PM
hominess is not neatness.
otherwise everyone would live in replicas of the kinds of sterile
( and impersonal)
homes that appear in interior design and architectural magazines.
what these spotless rooms lack, or what crafty photographers have carefully removed,
is any evidence of human occupation.
in spite of the artfully placed vases and casually arranged art books,
the imprint of the inhabitants is still missing. these pristine interiors fascinate and repel me.
can people really live without clutter? how do they stop the sunday papers from spreading over the living room?
how do they manage without toothpaste tubes and half-used soap bars in their bathrooms?
where do they hide the detritus of their daily lives?
from home: a short history of an idea, page 19
II.
and i have (nearly) nothing to my name,
but i can give you that.
from caedmon's call: somewhere north
III.
to be continued.
Posted 1/17/2007 9:54 PM
(this was supposed to be posted in time for christmas,
but what can you do?)
{ so -(-last night-- no, now its) three nights ago was christmas eve,
(that osomagical evening full of anticipation and good things)
and everyone was driving me crazy.
everyone was talking at the top of their lungs all day and i had a headache. i was so hungry with no chance of food in sight for quite a while. i still had a couple of last minute presents to buy and i couldnt find what i wanted anywhere. and i had to do a reading with my family at the christmas eve service which was interrupting our normal traditions--and interrupting traditions is not my favorite. you know. ill admit it; i was grumpy. and then it was time to go and i had nothing to wear! and i found something, but then it had a non-wearable hole in it, so, so much for that. and they were yelling at me so much to hurry that i grabbed a handful of the pile of clothes i had been trying on and got in the car, still wearing the holey pants. so im in the church bathroom, trying to put together something that i can wear from the pile and thinking well. this is just fine. all mary had to do was have a baby in a stable. i have to do a dumb reading with my ridiculously noisy family with nothing to wear in front of everybody i know. and i would have rather been having the baby. (not that God would have let me.)
o dear.
i have a pretty good memory of being little, i think. i mean, i remember things as far back as the end of my two year old year and my three year year. but i dont remember learning all the things i know--those things that seem inherent knowledge. for example: i was substituting in the three-year-old-day-care the other day and they had apple slices for snack and most of them didnt like the peel, of course. but they didnt know how to eat around it. and the teacher had to teach them how to eat around it. it was precious. and i couldnt even remember a time when i didnt know how to eat around the peel of the apple. but of course i had to learn it, like everyone else. it was precious. and they were also working on cutting in a straight line. of course, i didnt know it was as difficult as it appears to be for a lot of people. apparently, im a good cutter, even back then. they were so dependent on us for most everything.
then we decide we want our independence.
and then we dont know how to give it up. even when it would be easier to. and thats hard.
sometimes i feel like im at a ridiculously awkward age, as far as knowing things goes. im old enough to know about a lot of things, and ive heard of a lot of things, but im young enough to have just missed a lot of the details. for example: things like watergate. ive heard about it in classes and books and i have a general idea what happened. but not really. i know about it, but i dont. its weird. i need someone around all the time who can answer all my questions and not get bored of me.
thats a big thing for me, you know? being bored, i mean. my mother drilled and drilled it into our heads that there is too much to do in this world to be bored of it and she never let us be. so im still not. i suppose there is about 1.67 reasons to be bored in this world. one of them is 46 hour long graduations where you only know one person graduating. the other .67 reasons may be dispersed as needed (but still sparingly of course)--things like business meetings or the dentist or something. not sure.
people are such a mess. my goodness. its a wonder unto me how anyone ever manages to get married. we're so funny looking and irritating and irritatable and we talk to much or not enough and on and on.
here was a song that we hummed all season: and though He has all power/he came to earth a baby/ so he could be called God with us.
there is such an emphasis at christmas on God with us, or, Emmanuel. this was Jesus' given name, of course. and there should be emphasis on both parts of this phrase equally, but it seems the emphasis is usually on GOD coming down to be with us. but think for a moment it the emphasis is on us. i mean, God with is less of a big deal. God has always been with, after all. with it, with everything. its not hard to believe that he is present with the cosmos and the depths of the oceans and the highest mountains. of course God is with that. but with us! we are such a mess. that takes some more effort to believe, of couse, that God chose to associate himself with such disasterous people.
[and the beautiful people intimidate me sometimes, but i do try and remember that they probably didnt start out looking that way in the morning. and that it doesnt last. and that there are more important things. and perhaps normal is prettiest? now, there are kinds of beauty that you may be born with or that are not aquired though the normal means, but im not talking about those here.]
[and also, isnt it funny that two women with the same haircut by the same hairdresser still look totally different? and also, how everyone has exactly the same parts in which to be a human, and yet we all look and are different? i think so.]
so, ive been thinking about families lately. well, families of all kinds, really. all of my friends and everyone i love and everyone who loves me. families are different than you think, but i am glad for them.
i do want a lot of kids. read or listen to the book on tape of cheaper by the dozen if you dont believe me.
this is how families are:
the other day, my sisters and i were supposed to be doing christmas baking and cleaning, but instead we were driving each other crazy, and my mother too. we were noisy and grumpy and all the rest. she sat us all down in a row on the couch and told us to not talk and to enjoy each others company. well, pretty soon, we were talking and enjoying each others company even though we werent supposed to but then we all ended up having a fun time on the couch and laughing and talking.
we like each other even though we are a mess. my roommate always gives me a towel to use, even though i forget one every single time i come to visit. and my family loved me even though i was miss grumpypants on christmas eve (shame on me.) and how people i know listen to me talk, even though they probably might have heard it before.
this is a hard concept, sortof, but there it is.
we should be family with everyone, despite the facts. and the facts are hard to get around, but if you do manage to get around it, its like all the best jokes. and even the crummy ones too. but you still laugh your head off, even if it is crummy. cause i think thats something we can do to help things. and really, we are blessed, and there is much joy in this world, all things considered.
Posted 12/27/2006 6:47 PM
{ so -(-last night-- no, now its) three nights ago was christmas eve,
(that osomagical evening full of anticipation and good things)
and everyone was driving me crazy.
everyone was talking at the top of their lungs all day and i had a headache. i was so hungry with no chance of food in sight for quite a while. i still had a couple of last minute presents to buy and i couldnt find what i wanted anywhere. and i had to do a reading with my family at the christmas eve service which was interrupting our normal traditions--and interrupting traditions is not my favorite. you know. ill admit it; i was grumpy. and then it was time to go and i had nothing to wear! and i found something, but then it had a non-wearable hole in it, so, so much for that. and they were yelling at me so much to hurry that i grabbed a handful of the pile of clothes i had been trying on and got in the car, still wearing the holey pants. so im in the church bathroom, trying to put together something that i can wear from the pile and thinking well. this is just fine. all mary had to do was have a baby in a stable. i have to do a dumb reading with my ridiculously noisy family with nothing to wear in front of everybody i know. and i would have rather been having the baby. (not that God would have let me.)
o dear.
i have a pretty good memory of being little, i think. i mean, i remember things as far back as the end of my two year old year and my three year year. but i dont remember learning all the things i know--those things that seem inherent knowledge. for example: i was substituting in the three-year-old-day-care the other day and they had apple slices for snack and most of them didnt like the peel, of course. but they didnt know how to eat around it. and the teacher had to teach them how to eat around it. it was precious. and i couldnt even remember a time when i didnt know how to eat around the peel of the apple. but of course i had to learn it, like everyone else. it was precious. and they were also working on cutting in a straight line. of course, i didnt know it was as difficult as it appears to be for a lot of people. apparently, im a good cutter, even back then. they were so dependent on us for most everything.
then we decide we want our independence.
and then we dont know how to give it up. even when it would be easier to. and thats hard.
sometimes i feel like im at a ridiculously awkward age, as far as knowing things goes. im old enough to know about a lot of things, and ive heard of a lot of things, but im young enough to have just missed a lot of the details. for example: things like watergate. ive heard about it in classes and books and i have a general idea what happened. but not really. i know about it, but i dont. its weird. i need someone around all the time who can answer all my questions and not get bored of me.
thats a big thing for me, you know? being bored, i mean. my mother drilled and drilled it into our heads that there is too much to do in this world to be bored of it and she never let us be. so im still not. i suppose there is about 1.67 reasons to be bored in this world. one of them is 46 hour long graduations where you only know one person graduating. the other .67 reasons may be dispersed as needed (but still sparingly of course)--things like business meetings or the dentist or something. not sure.
people are such a mess. my goodness. its a wonder unto me how anyone ever manages to get married. we're so funny looking and irritating and irritatable and we talk to much or not enough and on and on.
here was a song that we hummed all season: and though He has all power/he came to earth a baby/ so he could be called God with us.
there is such an emphasis at christmas on God with us, or, Emmanuel. this was Jesus' given name, of course. and there should be emphasis on both parts of this phrase equally, but it seems the emphasis is usually on GOD coming down to be with us. but think for a moment it the emphasis is on us. i mean, God with is less of a big deal. God has always been with, after all. with it, with everything. its not hard to believe that he is present with the cosmos and the depths of the oceans and the highest mountains. of course God is with that. but with us! we are such a mess. that takes some more effort to believe, of couse, that God chose to associate himself with such disasterous people.
[and the beautiful people intimidate me sometimes, but i do try and remember that they probably didnt start out looking that way in the morning. and that it doesnt last. and that there are more important things. and perhaps normal is prettiest? now, there are kinds of beauty that you may be born with or that are not aquired though the normal means, but im not talking about those here.]
[and also, isnt it funny that two women with the same haircut by the same hairdresser still look totally different? and also, how everyone has exactly the same parts in which to be a human, and yet we all look and are different? i think so.]
so, ive been thinking about families lately. well, families of all kinds, really. all of my friends and everyone i love and everyone who loves me. families are different than you think, but i am glad for them.
i do want a lot of kids. read or listen to the book on tape of cheaper by the dozen if you dont believe me.
this is how families are:
the other day, my sisters and i were supposed to be doing christmas baking and cleaning, but instead we were driving each other crazy, and my mother too. we were noisy and grumpy and all the rest. she sat us all down in a row on the couch and told us to not talk and to enjoy each others company. well, pretty soon, we were talking and enjoying each others company even though we werent supposed to but then we all ended up having a fun time on the couch and laughing and talking.
we like each other even though we are a mess. my roommate always gives me a towel to use, even though i forget one every single time i come to visit. and my family loved me even though i was miss grumpypants on christmas eve (shame on me.) and how people i know listen to me talk, even though they probably might have heard it before.
this is a hard concept, sortof, but there it is.
we should be family with everyone, despite the facts. and the facts are hard to get around, but if you do manage to get around it, its like all the best jokes. and even the crummy ones too. but you still laugh your head off, even if it is crummy. cause i think thats something we can do to help things. and really, we are blessed, and there is much joy in this world, all things considered.
Posted 12/27/2006 6:47 PM
a new voyage will fill your life with untold memories.
[chinese fortune cookie from new hong kong from today.]
how ridiculously appropriate. tommorrow i shall graduate from college, and, while it is less of a big deal than I thought, it still is something, i think. i am glad, after all, that i get to graduate in december. it is less of big deal that way, and even though i caused 1000 people's schedules to be moved around because of me [no really, its true. and i feel a bit like helen of troy] its still only a moderately big deal, and i approve of that. i have come to unappreciate big deals more and more. even though i probably make them on a daily basis about things that should not qualify. but o well. today i closed my bank account, which i opened almost as soon as i got here, and i was sad. but im trying to let it go. and then! tommorrow is graduation and graduate i shall. the end.
and speaking of chinese food, i want to know why there are chinese resturants that dont hand out chopsticks. i mean, i love! chopsticks! using them is the funnest thing, i think; it makes your food that much more of an adventure and thats important. but what is it about these places that dont give you chopsticks and then when you ask for some, because you are at a chinese restuarant and that is the thing that you do, they look at you funny--like why cant you just use the freaking fork like everyone else?. and sigh but get some for you. but the point is, why cant they do what they are supposed to do instead of trying to use forks like they are clearly not supposed to do? do they think we're going to make fun of them? but i mean, why would i go to a chinese resturant if it wasnt even chinese, you know?
resturant and halirious are two words i cant spell and i know i cant spell them but im alright with that. no one ever told me that came with the job desciption. and they are both too long to use in scrabble, really, so i dont even need to know about them for that. ha!
the other night my mother made me go to church, [heathen child that i am--morning church i attend religiously [haha.] and i really dislike missing morning chuch; it throws my schedule off, among other things. but i dont even feel that bad about skipping night church. i feel bad about not feeling bad about missing sunday night church.] but anyway, my mother made me go the other night, and we sang some hymns, and i remembered how much i like them and how much they can mean and do mean. [lately ive been surprised at the way things mean. its much more meaningful, for example, to hear a new version of mozart!-somethings than it is to hear a new version of, say, wind beneath my wings. there is some kind of power in old made new, i think. im not sure what it is that gives that meaning to things, but there is something. probably something so simple [and yet complex--[and o dear, im not going to think about the number of parenthesis in this paragraph]] as absolute truth, or something. its hard to say.] so anyway.
my mother made me go to church and we sang count your blessings. and it was great. i have been so consistently surprised at how simply the Lord provides lately. i quit my resurant job, even though i didnt have another. but then, i got one. in the middle, i had no money. but then, just in time, i had enough from the new job to pay the bills. huh. amazing. and i dont know why i dont think that He cant take care of me, when, um, clearly, he can. and he will. even though i have no earthly idea what im doing. at all.
except for i know that tonight, i am eating cookie mush in my room, watching a movie that i want to watch. in my pajamas. and i will be happy.
ive been reading this book lately, and she has some marvelous things to say. some also some things that dont actually make sense, but that doesnt even matter so much because its so great. like: "here are the two best prayers i know: 'help me, help me, help me.' and 'thank you, thank you, thank you.'" and "the road to enlightenment--and inspiration and love and holiness--is long and difficult, and you should try not to forget the snacks and magazines.
so the question is, of course, how to trust in God. everyone says to, of course, and its probably a good thing to do. i have no idea, i just know that i need to do it, because, like i said, i have no idea whats going on in my life. so i think i decided that trust came down to not worrying. that can be hard, because i needed a job like yesterday, but i want the ones that i would love instead of one that i just dont mind, you know. but! it is safe to trust God (this has stuck in my head so much!) and that is so good to know. hum.
and also, the other day, when i was worrying about it--it being where i will work, and more specifically if i should hold out for the job i really want, or if i should take the one more presently available--, i saw this verse and it said "the Lord establishes the work of our hands (Ps. 90.17)." and i said duh.
but also, i dont quite know the difference between settling and being content. i need to find that out.
and speaking of magazines, ive had this pile of accumulating magazines sitting around for forever because 1) i love magazines! they are so great, and quick and you can just read them all the time, even if you dont have the emotional ability or time or whatever to read a novel [or other real book], you can read a magazine instead! its so cool! so im so addicted to this stuff, and ive been saving these magazines for so long because i like to look at them, but then ive been trying to simplify my life, [ever so slowly!] and i decided i needed to get rid of them. but i still wanted the stuff in them, so i decided to go through them all and pull out all the things that are pretty or inspiring or that i just need to know or remember and im pasting them in a big notebook (actually, im taping them, but pasting sounds like so much more fun and its funner to say, too). and then i can look at them whenever i want, but just the pretty parts of them (without the ads!) and really. i can not even explain to you how happy this book is. and then i threw away the whole stack of the magazines and its okay, cause i have all the best parts all for me. and i was sad to rip them up, but it makes such a beautiful book. and that is how things are, i think.
currently reading: anne lamott // traveling mercies: thoughts on faith
Posted 12/15/2006 4:27 PM
how ridiculously appropriate. tommorrow i shall graduate from college, and, while it is less of a big deal than I thought, it still is something, i think. i am glad, after all, that i get to graduate in december. it is less of big deal that way, and even though i caused 1000 people's schedules to be moved around because of me [no really, its true. and i feel a bit like helen of troy] its still only a moderately big deal, and i approve of that. i have come to unappreciate big deals more and more. even though i probably make them on a daily basis about things that should not qualify. but o well. today i closed my bank account, which i opened almost as soon as i got here, and i was sad. but im trying to let it go. and then! tommorrow is graduation and graduate i shall. the end.
and speaking of chinese food, i want to know why there are chinese resturants that dont hand out chopsticks. i mean, i love! chopsticks! using them is the funnest thing, i think; it makes your food that much more of an adventure and thats important. but what is it about these places that dont give you chopsticks and then when you ask for some, because you are at a chinese restuarant and that is the thing that you do, they look at you funny--like why cant you just use the freaking fork like everyone else?. and sigh but get some for you. but the point is, why cant they do what they are supposed to do instead of trying to use forks like they are clearly not supposed to do? do they think we're going to make fun of them? but i mean, why would i go to a chinese resturant if it wasnt even chinese, you know?
resturant and halirious are two words i cant spell and i know i cant spell them but im alright with that. no one ever told me that came with the job desciption. and they are both too long to use in scrabble, really, so i dont even need to know about them for that. ha!
the other night my mother made me go to church, [heathen child that i am--morning church i attend religiously [haha.] and i really dislike missing morning chuch; it throws my schedule off, among other things. but i dont even feel that bad about skipping night church. i feel bad about not feeling bad about missing sunday night church.] but anyway, my mother made me go the other night, and we sang some hymns, and i remembered how much i like them and how much they can mean and do mean. [lately ive been surprised at the way things mean. its much more meaningful, for example, to hear a new version of mozart!-somethings than it is to hear a new version of, say, wind beneath my wings. there is some kind of power in old made new, i think. im not sure what it is that gives that meaning to things, but there is something. probably something so simple [and yet complex--[and o dear, im not going to think about the number of parenthesis in this paragraph]] as absolute truth, or something. its hard to say.] so anyway.
my mother made me go to church and we sang count your blessings. and it was great. i have been so consistently surprised at how simply the Lord provides lately. i quit my resurant job, even though i didnt have another. but then, i got one. in the middle, i had no money. but then, just in time, i had enough from the new job to pay the bills. huh. amazing. and i dont know why i dont think that He cant take care of me, when, um, clearly, he can. and he will. even though i have no earthly idea what im doing. at all.
except for i know that tonight, i am eating cookie mush in my room, watching a movie that i want to watch. in my pajamas. and i will be happy.
ive been reading this book lately, and she has some marvelous things to say. some also some things that dont actually make sense, but that doesnt even matter so much because its so great. like: "here are the two best prayers i know: 'help me, help me, help me.' and 'thank you, thank you, thank you.'" and "the road to enlightenment--and inspiration and love and holiness--is long and difficult, and you should try not to forget the snacks and magazines.
so the question is, of course, how to trust in God. everyone says to, of course, and its probably a good thing to do. i have no idea, i just know that i need to do it, because, like i said, i have no idea whats going on in my life. so i think i decided that trust came down to not worrying. that can be hard, because i needed a job like yesterday, but i want the ones that i would love instead of one that i just dont mind, you know. but! it is safe to trust God (this has stuck in my head so much!) and that is so good to know. hum.
and also, the other day, when i was worrying about it--it being where i will work, and more specifically if i should hold out for the job i really want, or if i should take the one more presently available--, i saw this verse and it said "the Lord establishes the work of our hands (Ps. 90.17)." and i said duh.
but also, i dont quite know the difference between settling and being content. i need to find that out.
and speaking of magazines, ive had this pile of accumulating magazines sitting around for forever because 1) i love magazines! they are so great, and quick and you can just read them all the time, even if you dont have the emotional ability or time or whatever to read a novel [or other real book], you can read a magazine instead! its so cool! so im so addicted to this stuff, and ive been saving these magazines for so long because i like to look at them, but then ive been trying to simplify my life, [ever so slowly!] and i decided i needed to get rid of them. but i still wanted the stuff in them, so i decided to go through them all and pull out all the things that are pretty or inspiring or that i just need to know or remember and im pasting them in a big notebook (actually, im taping them, but pasting sounds like so much more fun and its funner to say, too). and then i can look at them whenever i want, but just the pretty parts of them (without the ads!) and really. i can not even explain to you how happy this book is. and then i threw away the whole stack of the magazines and its okay, cause i have all the best parts all for me. and i was sad to rip them up, but it makes such a beautiful book. and that is how things are, i think.
currently reading: anne lamott // traveling mercies: thoughts on faith
Posted 12/15/2006 4:27 PM
mysteries at hand
[this post is brought to you by the ridiculous need for me to be doing homework (PR campaign!) instead of xanga.]
i wish you all could see the poor private page of this (blog). i have the [bad?]habit of starting posts and leaving them as private until i can get back around to finishing them and also leaving notes to myself on there for things i need to remember or do or write about, and so over the last month or two, i have about 17 [or more!]posts started and never finished. i have complied some of them here for you. most of them are not even complete sentences, but alas.
==========================================================
==========================================================
the mysteries by david kirby. [this is a poem that changed my life, almost.]
__________________________________________________________________________
[ there are mysteries at hand. and heres one:
why doesnt one ever count backwards in roman numerals? ]
X. : the internet. and also, nature.
[i dont know if it is possible to put two terribly different things such as these into one
heading and thereby classify them as mysterious and leave it at that. i think its a
ridiculously awkward paring, completly opposite. but who knows, maybe it will be
like
so today, i wanted to know more about rodedendrens, so i looked it up on google, and there were only 5 entries. 5! thats not even a lot, especially for google. and i think i spelled it right, and it offered no suggestions about a different spelling. so i was perplexed. and then i thought i might look on wikipedia, even though its not technically allowed in school [although, what they dont know wont hurt them] but its summer and google had failed me [yes, my world fell apart.] and wikipedia had no information about rodedendrens! so, not only has google failed me, but the masses have failed me too. o dear.
so tomorrow, i think i might stop by the used bookstore and see if there are any flower books that have rodedendrens in them. cause im pretty sure these flowers to, in fact, exist?
and anyway, i need a flower book.
IX.
so, the other week i bought some stamps, and it was terribly exciting.
VIII.
why on earth didnt julie andrews and dick van dyke get married?! i mean, have you watched mary poppins?! my goodness. terribly sexy.
VII.
also,
parking grauges
men at work playing matchmaker
birds
i miss things.
____________________________________________________
i know people have said it before, but what the heck is the point of turning on all the new xanga privacy protection stuff? isnt the point of xanga for people to read it? how the heck are they supposed to read things if, everytime they click on a page, a message comes up that will only allow you to read this site if 1) youre invited 2) you send them a message 3) you are a catholic and born between 1979-1983 or 4) you are exceptionally the hottest thing the person has ever seen based on your profile picture and/or income.
its getting a bit ridiculous.
also, i dont want people to think im stalking them. and if youre reading, i dont think youre stalking me, either. i think that if if im reading [of if other people are], im curious about you. i am interested by you, more than likely. i want to know you, or pretend i know you. it puts a damper on finding good xangas and getting to enjoy them as thoroughly i would wish to. geh.
______________________________________________
"Plough The Rain With Her
Here's an idea
Let's grab this life and wring its neck with joy
So that when it comes time to die
When we find we have no breath left
It is because we willingly strangled ourselves
With love
Fell down dead
And mostly happy"
_______________________________________________________
doors make no promises, especially that one there, it goes outside.
a line of birds on a bridge, above the river and under the gaze of God.
_______________________________________________________
::: wishlisting :::
writing, believe in the gospel, get a job!!!, and a computer, polite. charm. clever.
_______________________________________________________
love?
________________________________________________________________________________________
there are a lot of things that i really have no concept about.
there are a lot of things that i would like to have a concept about.
i really have no idea how to go about getting concepts about things.
currently playing: relient k// two lefts dont make a right, but three do
among other things.
________________________________________________
must haves:
fresh apples, graph paper, extra fine point permanent markers, file folders, typewriters, oatmeal cream pies, borrowed books, dark chocolate m&ms, phase 10, poetry magazine, magazines in general, hand-written thank you notes, real friends, new vocab words, extra set of keys, good music[!]
_________________________________________________
i need a new job! that pays money.
i am looking.
any ideas?
_________________________________________________
"this was back in the dark ages. like the eighties."
"if its not a husband and not a kid, i can change it."
"i loved the whole story. the characters, the plot; not to mention the fact that you get to take drugs and
blow people up."
"the real world being what it is...."
"in a word or less, describe the state of the political climate at this time."
"no, i think its good that you want people to be happy about airplanes."
"here is a pick-up line that will work for men, guarenteed:
'hi, my name is {marvin}, and my two favorite things are commitment and changing myself."
_________________________________________________
odd highway numbers--north/south
even highway numbers-- east/west
_________________________________________________
things are not like i expected. !
i go back and forth between being so content and good, and absolutely discontent and wishing for something else.
i am trying to be content.
well, i am learning about being content.
actually, i am thinking learning about being content.
things are not like i expcted, but not bad, mostly.
Posted 11/11/2006 11:07 AM
i wish you all could see the poor private page of this (blog). i have the [bad?]habit of starting posts and leaving them as private until i can get back around to finishing them and also leaving notes to myself on there for things i need to remember or do or write about, and so over the last month or two, i have about 17 [or more!]posts started and never finished. i have complied some of them here for you. most of them are not even complete sentences, but alas.
==========================================================
==========================================================
the mysteries by david kirby. [this is a poem that changed my life, almost.]
__________________________________________________________________________
[ there are mysteries at hand. and heres one:
why doesnt one ever count backwards in roman numerals? ]
X. : the internet. and also, nature.
[i dont know if it is possible to put two terribly different things such as these into one
heading and thereby classify them as mysterious and leave it at that. i think its a
ridiculously awkward paring, completly opposite. but who knows, maybe it will be
like
so today, i wanted to know more about rodedendrens, so i looked it up on google, and there were only 5 entries. 5! thats not even a lot, especially for google. and i think i spelled it right, and it offered no suggestions about a different spelling. so i was perplexed. and then i thought i might look on wikipedia, even though its not technically allowed in school [although, what they dont know wont hurt them] but its summer and google had failed me [yes, my world fell apart.] and wikipedia had no information about rodedendrens! so, not only has google failed me, but the masses have failed me too. o dear.
so tomorrow, i think i might stop by the used bookstore and see if there are any flower books that have rodedendrens in them. cause im pretty sure these flowers to, in fact, exist?
and anyway, i need a flower book.
IX.
so, the other week i bought some stamps, and it was terribly exciting.
VIII.
why on earth didnt julie andrews and dick van dyke get married?! i mean, have you watched mary poppins?! my goodness. terribly sexy.
VII.
also,
parking grauges
men at work playing matchmaker
birds
i miss things.
____________________________________________________
i know people have said it before, but what the heck is the point of turning on all the new xanga privacy protection stuff? isnt the point of xanga for people to read it? how the heck are they supposed to read things if, everytime they click on a page, a message comes up that will only allow you to read this site if 1) youre invited 2) you send them a message 3) you are a catholic and born between 1979-1983 or 4) you are exceptionally the hottest thing the person has ever seen based on your profile picture and/or income.
its getting a bit ridiculous.
also, i dont want people to think im stalking them. and if youre reading, i dont think youre stalking me, either. i think that if if im reading [of if other people are], im curious about you. i am interested by you, more than likely. i want to know you, or pretend i know you. it puts a damper on finding good xangas and getting to enjoy them as thoroughly i would wish to. geh.
______________________________________________
"Plough The Rain With Her
Here's an idea
Let's grab this life and wring its neck with joy
So that when it comes time to die
When we find we have no breath left
It is because we willingly strangled ourselves
With love
Fell down dead
And mostly happy"
_______________________________________________________
doors make no promises, especially that one there, it goes outside.
a line of birds on a bridge, above the river and under the gaze of God.
_______________________________________________________
::: wishlisting :::
writing, believe in the gospel, get a job!!!, and a computer, polite. charm. clever.
_______________________________________________________
love?
________________________________________________________________________________________
there are a lot of things that i really have no concept about.
there are a lot of things that i would like to have a concept about.
i really have no idea how to go about getting concepts about things.
currently playing: relient k// two lefts dont make a right, but three do
among other things.
________________________________________________
must haves:
fresh apples, graph paper, extra fine point permanent markers, file folders, typewriters, oatmeal cream pies, borrowed books, dark chocolate m&ms, phase 10, poetry magazine, magazines in general, hand-written thank you notes, real friends, new vocab words, extra set of keys, good music[!]
_________________________________________________
i need a new job! that pays money.
i am looking.
any ideas?
_________________________________________________
"this was back in the dark ages. like the eighties."
"if its not a husband and not a kid, i can change it."
"i loved the whole story. the characters, the plot; not to mention the fact that you get to take drugs and
blow people up."
"the real world being what it is...."
"in a word or less, describe the state of the political climate at this time."
"no, i think its good that you want people to be happy about airplanes."
"here is a pick-up line that will work for men, guarenteed:
'hi, my name is {marvin}, and my two favorite things are commitment and changing myself."
_________________________________________________
odd highway numbers--north/south
even highway numbers-- east/west
_________________________________________________
things are not like i expected. !
i go back and forth between being so content and good, and absolutely discontent and wishing for something else.
i am trying to be content.
well, i am learning about being content.
actually, i am thinking learning about being content.
things are not like i expcted, but not bad, mostly.
Posted 11/11/2006 11:07 AM
[ my sentiments exactly. ]
"i still find each day too short for all the thoughts i want to think, and all the walks i want to take, all the books i want to read, [all the music i want to hear, the movies i want to watch, the problems i want to fix, the opportunities i want to pursue, the food i want to eat, the personal character i want to develop, the jobs i want to find, the things i want to write], and the friends i want to see. "
Posted 10/27/2006 4:13 AM
Posted 10/27/2006 4:13 AM
{ oh, im so scared of camels.! }
[ and im not standing here asking you to marry me. im just asking you not to marry him. and to maybe take a walk. or a chance. --john beckwith // wedding crashers. ]
so, due to unavoidable circumstances, [namely, my inability to pack anything whatsoever] i added another life experience to list. i left late on tuesday when i was coming to jackson, so i decided that i wanted to stay in a hotel cause i was getting sooo sleepy, and i thought that wasnt a good idea, maybe. so i found one that looked clean, but not too expensive or anything so i checked in and went up to my room and dumped my stuff on the bed. and i tried to turn on the tv. and it didnt work. and then i tried the lights and they didnt work. and the alarm clock didnt work, and i definately needed that, you know. so i called the front desk and said
"um, i know this is weird, but stuff in my room doesnt work."
the front desk grumpy hispanic guy: "did you turn on the lightswitch?"
me: "um, yes."
and then he explains the whole process of turning on the lights, just in case i didnt know.
and i said "well, yes, i tried that, and it didnt work."
him: well, do you really need your lights and tv?"
me: yes. i really need my lights and tv.
him: well, do you want me to come up and look at it?"
and i did, so he came and he was soo condescending, and he tried everything, but nothing worked, of course, and i laughed at his increasing perplextion about the subject. finally he decided it was the breaker, and so he fixed it and i was happy and he was glad to be leaving me, i think. heh. and then i watched wedding crashers again and fell asleep.
and then, i got to jackson, and i was running around like a chicken, which is apparently what i do in jackson, but apparently what i do everywhere, so i dont know. but there was a sign on my door that my wonderful roommates had put up and it said "welcome home, julie" and i said yes, i am home. and i was in my room. and i was with all of my friends. and i was in a town that i sortof like, even though its not even great. [maybe thats the definition of love: you sortof like it, even when its not great?] and there was great food; i probably gained like 5 pounds, but there are apparently more important things in life.
and after i was running around like a [happy] chicken, i went to BP, and it was mostly useless, but i was in nashville, and i love nashville. and i was with some people that i really like, for the most part. and i had a conversation that changed the direct focus of my life at this moment, maybe? and i was walking around the corner, and in the middle of downtown nashville and country music and motorcycles and homeless people and business people and crazy buildings and traffic, i found:
a camel.
in downtown nashville.
and he had a ring of flowers around his neck.
and he had a name: bo the camel.
and just as i walked by, a little girl ran by me, and ran in front of the camel and screamed that she was so scared of camels! ahhhhh!, and there were dogs and goats and sheep and cows and a pig and snakes everywhere, but she was worried about the camel for who knows why. all the priests and page boys were running around in magenta instead of white, and this was all happening in front of this absolutely beautiful episcopalian? [sp?] church, and the animals were going to church: it was the feast of st. francis, so they were there for a blessing. and a whole church service. and that makes sense, i suppose. i always heard that you should never turn down prayers or blessings, where ever you can get them. kindof like hugs or something. but once in a while, you just have to turn down hugs, if its sketchy enough.
i cant explain why this was a terribly important event for me. but it was. it really changed my whole weekend.
i saw a camel in nashville and life is good. or it will be good. and stuff.
i remembered that i take things too seriously when they dont necessarily need to be sooo serious. like writing. i say that if i cant do it perfectly, then clearly im not a writer, and i never will be. and also, i think that if i cant be elisabeth elliot by tomorrow or so, then why even bother reading my bible? cause clearly, im probably headed straight to hell anyway.
but no. im ridiculous. things are processes. and baby steps are o.k.a.y.
but part of the reason i think i cant write when im here, or havent been able to so far anyway, is because i just dont think im comfortable here, which is weird. cause it is home, just as much as jackson is. i have a church. and a house. and a family. and a few real friends, maybe. at least 4 of them. [well, both places are home inasmuch as i dont have a spot in either of them anymore, really. but thats okay, too. its just weird.] but anyway, the difference is this: i would wear pajamas out in public in peoria because i dont know anyone, and if i do know them [and they arent my family or a few closeish friends], i dont care enough about what they would think about me out in public in my pajamas. but i would wear my pajamas out in jackson because i do know people, and they've lived with me and they know me and, as far as i can tell, they still dont mind with me.
and i think thats a big part of why i have had a hard time getting words on a page: its amazing what feeling loved and cared about does for a person. [however, i was not prepared for how hard this could be, both ways, mind you.] and i always feel so see-through-able: i feel like everyone can tell when im feeling ridiculous or dumb or something, even though they probably arent really able to cause people dont pay that much attention. but just knowing that you are cared for regardless is quite something. and i think that when i can believe that about myself in this town, then it might feel differently for me. but im just guessing now.
also, when i was driving home from home, i picked some cotton.!
if i am having a quarter life crisis [and im not sure that i am, but i might be], and im only 22, is that a sign that i will only live until im 88? if ive only got until im 88, then my heavens. the distance between 88 and 100 suddently seems very big, even though its only 12 years.
there are big decisions to make. and things to worry about. and adventures to have. and things to do!
i want to love.
i am learning that you cant just not do something because you dont know its not foolproof.
i could start quoting garden state to you all, you know the part: "it's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place." and im not sure if i agree with that completly, or even mostly, but i do know this:
there is nowhere that i feel at home anymore, really, but i do feel at home with you.
currently playing: take it easy // the eagles
Posted 10/10/2006 10:53 AM
so, due to unavoidable circumstances, [namely, my inability to pack anything whatsoever] i added another life experience to list. i left late on tuesday when i was coming to jackson, so i decided that i wanted to stay in a hotel cause i was getting sooo sleepy, and i thought that wasnt a good idea, maybe. so i found one that looked clean, but not too expensive or anything so i checked in and went up to my room and dumped my stuff on the bed. and i tried to turn on the tv. and it didnt work. and then i tried the lights and they didnt work. and the alarm clock didnt work, and i definately needed that, you know. so i called the front desk and said
"um, i know this is weird, but stuff in my room doesnt work."
the front desk grumpy hispanic guy: "did you turn on the lightswitch?"
me: "um, yes."
and then he explains the whole process of turning on the lights, just in case i didnt know.
and i said "well, yes, i tried that, and it didnt work."
him: well, do you really need your lights and tv?"
me: yes. i really need my lights and tv.
him: well, do you want me to come up and look at it?"
and i did, so he came and he was soo condescending, and he tried everything, but nothing worked, of course, and i laughed at his increasing perplextion about the subject. finally he decided it was the breaker, and so he fixed it and i was happy and he was glad to be leaving me, i think. heh. and then i watched wedding crashers again and fell asleep.
and then, i got to jackson, and i was running around like a chicken, which is apparently what i do in jackson, but apparently what i do everywhere, so i dont know. but there was a sign on my door that my wonderful roommates had put up and it said "welcome home, julie" and i said yes, i am home. and i was in my room. and i was with all of my friends. and i was in a town that i sortof like, even though its not even great. [maybe thats the definition of love: you sortof like it, even when its not great?] and there was great food; i probably gained like 5 pounds, but there are apparently more important things in life.
and after i was running around like a [happy] chicken, i went to BP, and it was mostly useless, but i was in nashville, and i love nashville. and i was with some people that i really like, for the most part. and i had a conversation that changed the direct focus of my life at this moment, maybe? and i was walking around the corner, and in the middle of downtown nashville and country music and motorcycles and homeless people and business people and crazy buildings and traffic, i found:
a camel.
in downtown nashville.
and he had a ring of flowers around his neck.
and he had a name: bo the camel.
and just as i walked by, a little girl ran by me, and ran in front of the camel and screamed that she was so scared of camels! ahhhhh!, and there were dogs and goats and sheep and cows and a pig and snakes everywhere, but she was worried about the camel for who knows why. all the priests and page boys were running around in magenta instead of white, and this was all happening in front of this absolutely beautiful episcopalian? [sp?] church, and the animals were going to church: it was the feast of st. francis, so they were there for a blessing. and a whole church service. and that makes sense, i suppose. i always heard that you should never turn down prayers or blessings, where ever you can get them. kindof like hugs or something. but once in a while, you just have to turn down hugs, if its sketchy enough.
i cant explain why this was a terribly important event for me. but it was. it really changed my whole weekend.
i saw a camel in nashville and life is good. or it will be good. and stuff.
i remembered that i take things too seriously when they dont necessarily need to be sooo serious. like writing. i say that if i cant do it perfectly, then clearly im not a writer, and i never will be. and also, i think that if i cant be elisabeth elliot by tomorrow or so, then why even bother reading my bible? cause clearly, im probably headed straight to hell anyway.
but no. im ridiculous. things are processes. and baby steps are o.k.a.y.
but part of the reason i think i cant write when im here, or havent been able to so far anyway, is because i just dont think im comfortable here, which is weird. cause it is home, just as much as jackson is. i have a church. and a house. and a family. and a few real friends, maybe. at least 4 of them. [well, both places are home inasmuch as i dont have a spot in either of them anymore, really. but thats okay, too. its just weird.] but anyway, the difference is this: i would wear pajamas out in public in peoria because i dont know anyone, and if i do know them [and they arent my family or a few closeish friends], i dont care enough about what they would think about me out in public in my pajamas. but i would wear my pajamas out in jackson because i do know people, and they've lived with me and they know me and, as far as i can tell, they still dont mind with me.
and i think thats a big part of why i have had a hard time getting words on a page: its amazing what feeling loved and cared about does for a person. [however, i was not prepared for how hard this could be, both ways, mind you.] and i always feel so see-through-able: i feel like everyone can tell when im feeling ridiculous or dumb or something, even though they probably arent really able to cause people dont pay that much attention. but just knowing that you are cared for regardless is quite something. and i think that when i can believe that about myself in this town, then it might feel differently for me. but im just guessing now.
also, when i was driving home from home, i picked some cotton.!
if i am having a quarter life crisis [and im not sure that i am, but i might be], and im only 22, is that a sign that i will only live until im 88? if ive only got until im 88, then my heavens. the distance between 88 and 100 suddently seems very big, even though its only 12 years.
there are big decisions to make. and things to worry about. and adventures to have. and things to do!
i want to love.
i am learning that you cant just not do something because you dont know its not foolproof.
i could start quoting garden state to you all, you know the part: "it's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place." and im not sure if i agree with that completly, or even mostly, but i do know this:
there is nowhere that i feel at home anymore, really, but i do feel at home with you.
currently playing: take it easy // the eagles
Posted 10/10/2006 10:53 AM
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
{{ two things: }}
the first:
there is something about fall that makes me want to listen to simon and garfunkel. im not sure what it is about them: they're just perfect for the weather and the everything, you know? i cant really think of an occassion for which they would not be the perfect soundtrack: theyre honest, and sexy and depressing and curious and so happy and they just make you want to sing along. its weird how music reminds me so much of some things. i was digging through the cds last week to find the S&G and i found a few cds that i just remembered being so good, and i said hey, i should listen to those. but i did, and they just reminded me so much of places where i am not and feelings and situations that are not the feelings and situations of the moment, that even though its good music, i just had no desire to listen to it. bleh. but then, i found the S&G and then i found fall out boy [and the killers, and jimmy eat world and the shins and weezer and stuff] and my cd player and i have had a very happy week. thats fall music if ive ever heard it. and its happy.
there are so many freaking squirrels in my yard at any one time, that i wouldnt even feel bad about running over some of them. normally i would, but its just getting ridiculous. and also, the other day, i thought i saw a mouse when i was walking into my house. and i admit: i screamed. because, i am terribly, ridiculously afraid of mice, and if it actually had been a mouse, i would have actually moved out of my house. the end. but it turned out to just be a chipmunk, so i am still living in my house.
i was thinking about hands the other day, because i really like hands. hands are important, and i like people with good hands and i want to have good hands myself. but theres this girl in my class and she has those kind of manicured nails that are really long and fancy and each nail has some crazily intricate design on it. and i just really dont understand the practicality of this. ooh, and get this: the really crazy ones plan for their nails to match what they will be wearing and things. and i just have issues with that. i mean, who the freaking heck is coordinated enough to tell the manicurist what to do to you nails so they match what you will wear 6 days from now? [unless its specified dress, like a wedding where you already know these kinds of things.] goodness, im lucky if i know what im wearing when i walk out the door. but anyway, so these women have these crazy long designed on the nails and then they cant move or write or type or clean or touch anything except for their lipliner and figi water. and why on earth would you pay that much to not be able to move your hands that much.
and i dont know, it may just be that ive never had a really good manicure and so i dont know quite what im missing, but i still think that the women have the most beautiful hands when they are normal looking, but pretty and well-cared for, you know? same with boys. good boy hands are ones that are strong, and used for things and stuff. not that idle hands are a devils playground, exactly, but something.
i still maintain the opinion that balance is terribly important, but im often finding that a hard line to find. there are so many things that seem like complete opposites:
contentment v. living a full life
doing whats right v. doing whats fun
idealistic things v. realistic things
fashion v. comfort
being loved v. serving
i dont know how to balance these things. and other things too, but i forget what they are. i guess thats the beauty of english-majoring: at least i can give them a nameso i know what exactly it is that im dealing with but i dont know how to make it all true, any more than it already is.
im finding out that a lot of things are not only an exercises in loving people, but also there are many exercises in being loved. and that is harder than it seems, sometimes.
sometimes, i wish that i could be a conglomeration of everyone i like. and sometimes i wish you were a different conglomeration of everyone else i like, too. but no. we are who we are, and its dumb to ask for different.
the gospel is real [surprisingly enough, i think.]
tonight i learned to read a different language. it was a modified arabic script.
this is what i learned to read:
my tie.
i tie my tie.
i might tie my tie.
i might tie my tie too tight.
i dont think im good at learning to read in completely foreign languages. i kept using my english and i was just repeating in my head over and again while i was learning it: see dick. see dick and jane. see dick and jane run. see dick and jane run fast. but either way, it was pretty weird.
also, the other day i think i found something that i might want to do with my life [for a while] and things. its the first thing that has caught my interest in forever, so im kindof excited about it, but maybe ill be horrible at it. and ive been assured that its hard. so i dont know. but maybe.! details to come when i have more details to give.
also, im coming to jackson in like a week or something., so if youre there still, we should hang out. im not actually planning on sleeping when im there, so i have time to 1) see everyone i want to see and 2) eat everywhere i want to eat. it will be fun.
so much to say.
also, there are some new darkchocolate m&ms available that are simply exquisite, as far as m&ms go. they come highly reccommended by me. i think im addicted.
and: the second.
i dont actually know whats going on here. but thats not a surprise, i think.
currently playing: simon and garfunkel // tales from new york
Posted 9/25/2006 9:48 PM -
there is something about fall that makes me want to listen to simon and garfunkel. im not sure what it is about them: they're just perfect for the weather and the everything, you know? i cant really think of an occassion for which they would not be the perfect soundtrack: theyre honest, and sexy and depressing and curious and so happy and they just make you want to sing along. its weird how music reminds me so much of some things. i was digging through the cds last week to find the S&G and i found a few cds that i just remembered being so good, and i said hey, i should listen to those. but i did, and they just reminded me so much of places where i am not and feelings and situations that are not the feelings and situations of the moment, that even though its good music, i just had no desire to listen to it. bleh. but then, i found the S&G and then i found fall out boy [and the killers, and jimmy eat world and the shins and weezer and stuff] and my cd player and i have had a very happy week. thats fall music if ive ever heard it. and its happy.
there are so many freaking squirrels in my yard at any one time, that i wouldnt even feel bad about running over some of them. normally i would, but its just getting ridiculous. and also, the other day, i thought i saw a mouse when i was walking into my house. and i admit: i screamed. because, i am terribly, ridiculously afraid of mice, and if it actually had been a mouse, i would have actually moved out of my house. the end. but it turned out to just be a chipmunk, so i am still living in my house.
i was thinking about hands the other day, because i really like hands. hands are important, and i like people with good hands and i want to have good hands myself. but theres this girl in my class and she has those kind of manicured nails that are really long and fancy and each nail has some crazily intricate design on it. and i just really dont understand the practicality of this. ooh, and get this: the really crazy ones plan for their nails to match what they will be wearing and things. and i just have issues with that. i mean, who the freaking heck is coordinated enough to tell the manicurist what to do to you nails so they match what you will wear 6 days from now? [unless its specified dress, like a wedding where you already know these kinds of things.] goodness, im lucky if i know what im wearing when i walk out the door. but anyway, so these women have these crazy long designed on the nails and then they cant move or write or type or clean or touch anything except for their lipliner and figi water. and why on earth would you pay that much to not be able to move your hands that much.
and i dont know, it may just be that ive never had a really good manicure and so i dont know quite what im missing, but i still think that the women have the most beautiful hands when they are normal looking, but pretty and well-cared for, you know? same with boys. good boy hands are ones that are strong, and used for things and stuff. not that idle hands are a devils playground, exactly, but something.
i still maintain the opinion that balance is terribly important, but im often finding that a hard line to find. there are so many things that seem like complete opposites:
contentment v. living a full life
doing whats right v. doing whats fun
idealistic things v. realistic things
fashion v. comfort
being loved v. serving
i dont know how to balance these things. and other things too, but i forget what they are. i guess thats the beauty of english-majoring: at least i can give them a name
im finding out that a lot of things are not only an exercises in loving people, but also there are many exercises in being loved. and that is harder than it seems, sometimes.
sometimes, i wish that i could be a conglomeration of everyone i like. and sometimes i wish you were a different conglomeration of everyone else i like, too. but no. we are who we are, and its dumb to ask for different.
the gospel is real [surprisingly enough, i think.]
tonight i learned to read a different language. it was a modified arabic script.
this is what i learned to read:
my tie.
i tie my tie.
i might tie my tie.
i might tie my tie too tight.
i dont think im good at learning to read in completely foreign languages. i kept using my english and i was just repeating in my head over and again while i was learning it: see dick. see dick and jane. see dick and jane run. see dick and jane run fast. but either way, it was pretty weird.
also, the other day i think i found something that i might want to do with my life [for a while] and things. its the first thing that has caught my interest in forever, so im kindof excited about it, but maybe ill be horrible at it. and ive been assured that its hard. so i dont know. but maybe.! details to come when i have more details to give.
also, im coming to jackson in like a week or something., so if youre there still, we should hang out. im not actually planning on sleeping when im there, so i have time to 1) see everyone i want to see and 2) eat everywhere i want to eat. it will be fun.
so much to say.
also, there are some new darkchocolate m&ms available that are simply exquisite, as far as m&ms go. they come highly reccommended by me. i think im addicted.
and: the second.
i dont actually know whats going on here. but thats not a surprise, i think.
currently playing: simon and garfunkel // tales from new york
Posted 9/25/2006 9:48 PM -
everyone knows:
everyone knows
that a good poem is about the images.
and a good reading is dependent on the selection.
and a memorable wedding about the details.
and a good drive, or a bad dance, is about the music.
and a non-repulsive christianity is about the grace.
and that a room can be saved by the pillows or fresh paint.
and stars are prettier with wishes.
and friends are better with conversation.
and jeans can be salvaged by an awesome belt.
and a bad dessert, if those exist, may be rescued by chocolate, which to my knowledge, is virtually unmessupable.
and ugly feet are hidden by great shoes.
and wrinkles removed by downy wrinkle releaser, which is the best stuff.
but what about everything else?something about scotch tape and fishing line comes to mind, but im not really sure about that. neither is my fish. well, hes not really my fish, but i feed him and he likes me.if someone fed me, i would like them too.come to think of it, my copy of one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish seems to be missing. its mostly my favorite of dr. seuss, i think. although its a close race. i should write more, somehow, maybe? bleh.some things need to be full. like stomachs and gas tanks and cookie jars. and life. i dont think scotch tape can help with that, either. there are some things i dont know. but also, if i knew, it would be scary. question: should you learn from the mistakes of others, or make your own nice little pile to learn from? and also: what is a full life dependent on? and how do you get those things? i should get my own fish. i would keep him alive. and altogether we would wish. a wishing party!
so, if you wish to wish a wish, you may swish for fishwith my ish wish dish.from there to herefrom here to therefunny things are everywhere.
and that is all for today.
Posted 9/13/2006 6:17 PM
that a good poem is about the images.
and a good reading is dependent on the selection.
and a memorable wedding about the details.
and a good drive, or a bad dance, is about the music.
and a non-repulsive christianity is about the grace.
and that a room can be saved by the pillows or fresh paint.
and stars are prettier with wishes.
and friends are better with conversation.
and jeans can be salvaged by an awesome belt.
and a bad dessert, if those exist, may be rescued by chocolate, which to my knowledge, is virtually unmessupable.
and ugly feet are hidden by great shoes.
and wrinkles removed by downy wrinkle releaser, which is the best stuff.
but what about everything else?something about scotch tape and fishing line comes to mind, but im not really sure about that. neither is my fish. well, hes not really my fish, but i feed him and he likes me.if someone fed me, i would like them too.come to think of it, my copy of one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish seems to be missing. its mostly my favorite of dr. seuss, i think. although its a close race. i should write more, somehow, maybe? bleh.some things need to be full. like stomachs and gas tanks and cookie jars. and life. i dont think scotch tape can help with that, either. there are some things i dont know. but also, if i knew, it would be scary. question: should you learn from the mistakes of others, or make your own nice little pile to learn from? and also: what is a full life dependent on? and how do you get those things? i should get my own fish. i would keep him alive. and altogether we would wish. a wishing party!
so, if you wish to wish a wish, you may swish for fishwith my ish wish dish.from there to herefrom here to therefunny things are everywhere.
and that is all for today.
Posted 9/13/2006 6:17 PM
{ THE HOW THINGS HAVE BEEN LATELY [IN SUMMARY] UPDATE [EVEN THOUGH ITS BORING] }
I. THE SCHEDULE
work
class
sleep
work
work
sleep
[ hang out? ]
[ errands ?? ]
II. THE BOOKLIST
domino magazine
lucky magazine
poetry magazine
delights and shadows // ted kooser
colossians
only human: christian reflections on the journey toward wholeness // david p. gushee
the practice of public relations [9th edition] // fraser p. seitel
spoken soul: the story of black english // john russell rickford & russell john rickford
love in the time of cholera // gabriel garcia marquez
until i find you // john irving
III. THE WEATHER
mostly cloudy-partly sunny. rainyish. everyday.
the long sleeve / short sleeve debate takes place pretty much every day.
IV. THE SOUNDTRACK
every other time // LFO
it'll all work out // tom petty & the heartbreakers
when you were young // the killers
by my side // ben harper
all my days // alexi murdoch
the sound of settling // death cab for cutie
be still my heart // postal service
hey ya! // outkast
st. elsewhere // gnarls barkley
sunny road // emiliana torrini
this side // nickel creek
sugar blue // jeff finlin
V. THE MENU
some [grossish] chinese food
mac & cheese
peas
cereal, and, of course, milk
chips and salsa
pizza
grapes
cajun chicken sandwich
brownies
waffles
VI. THE QUESTIONS
why is it that even when im in an elevator by myself, i still stand near the back?
grad school, or no?
does whats right depend on our circumstances?
how does one know what they want?
who was the first person with a last name?
how do we access the more in the middle of normal?
apple or dell?
and also, who on earth came up with the sizes for frames?!
do policepersons get tired of going slow because [obviously] everyone slows down around
them? i mean, what if they're running late?
what on earth inspired the color palette for the 70s and 80s?
why isnt there a punk-ish version of moon river? [i need one desperately.]
VII. THE THINGS-TO-REMEMBER
trust the chefs.
learn to pin boutonnieres
get some superhero stamps
[eventually] watch top movies of all time
and read more! and listen to music
try on dresses before you buy them
small things matter
be an excellent mingler [especially with important people]
fear may not be a good disqualifier
if all else fails, put a gnome in the front yard
the guys name was not actually archie palmer
patience has not ceased to be a virtue
there are opportunities
you cant fake the vibe
keep it up, homegirl, dont you quit
one day at a time.
VIII. THE YES-EXACTLY
... I say, Here' the deal: I'm going
to get in the car and drive.
I'm sick of my own cruel
self-pity and chronic indecision.
I'm going out to find the
rhythm of the ocean.
If I wake up years from now
with you lying next to me,
let that be the answer
to your question.
Posted 9/6/2006 1:25 AM -
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