a new voyage will fill your life with untold memories.

[chinese fortune cookie from new hong kong from today.]

how ridiculously appropriate. tommorrow i shall graduate from college, and, while it is less of a big deal than I thought, it still is something, i think. i am glad, after all, that i get to graduate in december. it is less of big deal that way, and even though i caused 1000 people's schedules to be moved around because of me [no really, its true. and i feel a bit like helen of troy] its still only a moderately big deal, and i approve of that. i have come to unappreciate big deals more and more. even though i probably make them on a daily basis about things that should not qualify. but o well. today i closed my bank account, which i opened almost as soon as i got here, and i was sad. but im trying to let it go. and then! tommorrow is graduation and graduate i shall. the end.

and speaking of chinese food, i want to know why there are chinese resturants that dont hand out chopsticks. i mean, i love! chopsticks! using them is the funnest thing, i think; it makes your food that much more of an adventure and thats important. but what is it about these places that dont give you chopsticks and then when you ask for some, because you are at a chinese restuarant and that is the thing that you do, they look at you funny--like why cant you just use the freaking fork like everyone else?. and sigh but get some for you. but the point is, why cant they do what they are supposed to do instead of trying to use forks like they are clearly not supposed to do? do they think we're going to make fun of them? but i mean, why would i go to a chinese resturant if it wasnt even chinese, you know?

resturant and halirious are two words i cant spell and i know i cant spell them but im alright with that. no one ever told me that came with the job desciption. and they are both too long to use in scrabble, really, so i dont even need to know about them for that. ha!

the other night my mother made me go to church, [heathen child that i am--morning church i attend religiously [haha.] and i really dislike missing morning chuch; it throws my schedule off, among other things. but i dont even feel that bad about skipping night church. i feel bad about not feeling bad about missing sunday night church.] but anyway, my mother made me go the other night, and we sang some hymns, and i remembered how much i like them and how much they can mean and do mean. [lately ive been surprised at the way things mean. its much more meaningful, for example, to hear a new version of mozart!-somethings than it is to hear a new version of, say, wind beneath my wings. there is some kind of power in old made new, i think. im not sure what it is that gives that meaning to things, but there is something. probably something so simple [and yet complex--[and o dear, im not going to think about the number of parenthesis in this paragraph]] as absolute truth, or something. its hard to say.] so anyway.
my mother made me go to church and we sang count your blessings. and it was great. i have been so consistently surprised at how simply the Lord provides lately. i quit my resurant job, even though i didnt have another. but then, i got one. in the middle, i had no money. but then, just in time, i had enough from the new job to pay the bills. huh. amazing. and i dont know why i dont think that He cant take care of me, when, um, clearly, he can. and he will. even though i have no earthly idea what im doing. at all.

except for i know that tonight, i am eating cookie mush in my room, watching a movie that i want to watch. in my pajamas. and i will be happy.

ive been reading this book lately, and she has some marvelous things to say. some also some things that dont actually make sense, but that doesnt even matter so much because its so great. like: "here are the two best prayers i know: 'help me, help me, help me.' and 'thank you, thank you, thank you.'" and "the road to enlightenment--and inspiration and love and holiness--is long and difficult, and you should try not to forget the snacks and magazines.

so the question is, of course, how to trust in God. everyone says to, of course, and its probably a good thing to do. i have no idea, i just know that i need to do it, because, like i said, i have no idea whats going on in my life. so i think i decided that trust came down to not worrying. that can be hard, because i needed a job like yesterday, but i want the ones that i would love instead of one that i just dont mind, you know. but! it is safe to trust God (this has stuck in my head so much!) and that is so good to know. hum.
and also, the other day, when i was worrying about it--it being where i will work, and more specifically if i should hold out for the job i really want, or if i should take the one more presently available--, i saw this verse and it said "the Lord establishes the work of our hands (Ps. 90.17)." and i said duh.

but also, i dont quite know the difference between settling and being content. i need to find that out.

and speaking of magazines, ive had this pile of accumulating magazines sitting around for forever because 1) i love magazines! they are so great, and quick and you can just read them all the time, even if you dont have the emotional ability or time or whatever to read a novel [or other real book], you can read a magazine instead! its so cool! so im so addicted to this stuff, and ive been saving these magazines for so long because i like to look at them, but then ive been trying to simplify my life, [ever so slowly!] and i decided i needed to get rid of them. but i still wanted the stuff in them, so i decided to go through them all and pull out all the things that are pretty or inspiring or that i just need to know or remember and im pasting them in a big notebook (actually, im taping them, but pasting sounds like so much more fun and its funner to say, too). and then i can look at them whenever i want, but just the pretty parts of them (without the ads!) and really. i can not even explain to you how happy this book is. and then i threw away the whole stack of the magazines and its okay, cause i have all the best parts all for me. and i was sad to rip them up, but it makes such a beautiful book. and that is how things are, i think.

currently reading: anne lamott // traveling mercies: thoughts on faith

Posted 12/15/2006 4:27 PM