(this was supposed to be posted in time for christmas,

but what can you do?)

{ so -(-last night-- no, now its) three nights ago was christmas eve,

(that osomagical evening full of anticipation and good things)

and everyone was driving me crazy.

everyone was talking at the top of their lungs all day and i had a headache. i was so hungry with no chance of food in sight for quite a while. i still had a couple of last minute presents to buy and i couldnt find what i wanted anywhere. and i had to do a reading with my family at the christmas eve service which was interrupting our normal traditions--and interrupting traditions is not my favorite. you know. ill admit it; i was grumpy. and then it was time to go and i had nothing to wear! and i found something, but then it had a non-wearable hole in it, so, so much for that. and they were yelling at me so much to hurry that i grabbed a handful of the pile of clothes i had been trying on and got in the car, still wearing the holey pants. so im in the church bathroom, trying to put together something that i can wear from the pile and thinking well. this is just fine. all mary had to do was have a baby in a stable. i have to do a dumb reading with my ridiculously noisy family with nothing to wear in front of everybody i know. and i would have rather been having the baby. (not that God would have let me.)
o dear.

i have a pretty good memory of being little, i think. i mean, i remember things as far back as the end of my two year old year and my three year year. but i dont remember learning all the things i know--those things that seem inherent knowledge. for example: i was substituting in the three-year-old-day-care the other day and they had apple slices for snack and most of them didnt like the peel, of course. but they didnt know how to eat around it. and the teacher had to teach them how to eat around it. it was precious. and i couldnt even remember a time when i didnt know how to eat around the peel of the apple. but of course i had to learn it, like everyone else. it was precious. and they were also working on cutting in a straight line. of course, i didnt know it was as difficult as it appears to be for a lot of people. apparently, im a good cutter, even back then. they were so dependent on us for most everything.
then we decide we want our independence.
and then we dont know how to give it up. even when it would be easier to. and thats hard.
sometimes i feel like im at a ridiculously awkward age, as far as knowing things goes. im old enough to know about a lot of things, and ive heard of a lot of things, but im young enough to have just missed a lot of the details. for example: things like watergate. ive heard about it in classes and books and i have a general idea what happened. but not really. i know about it, but i dont. its weird. i need someone around all the time who can answer all my questions and not get bored of me.
thats a big thing for me, you know? being bored, i mean. my mother drilled and drilled it into our heads that there is too much to do in this world to be bored of it and she never let us be. so im still not. i suppose there is about 1.67 reasons to be bored in this world. one of them is 46 hour long graduations where you only know one person graduating. the other .67 reasons may be dispersed as needed (but still sparingly of course)--things like business meetings or the dentist or something. not sure.

people are such a mess. my goodness. its a wonder unto me how anyone ever manages to get married. we're so funny looking and irritating and irritatable and we talk to much or not enough and on and on.

here was a song that we hummed all season: and though He has all power/he came to earth a baby/ so he could be called God with us.
there is such an emphasis at christmas on God with us, or, Emmanuel. this was Jesus' given name, of course. and there should be emphasis on both parts of this phrase equally, but it seems the emphasis is usually on GOD coming down to be with us. but think for a moment it the emphasis is on us. i mean, God with is less of a big deal. God has always been with, after all. with it, with everything. its not hard to believe that he is present with the cosmos and the depths of the oceans and the highest mountains. of course God is with that. but with us! we are such a mess. that takes some more effort to believe, of couse, that God chose to associate himself with such disasterous people.
[and the beautiful people intimidate me sometimes, but i do try and remember that they probably didnt start out looking that way in the morning. and that it doesnt last. and that there are more important things. and perhaps normal is prettiest? now, there are kinds of beauty that you may be born with or that are not aquired though the normal means, but im not talking about those here.]
[and also, isnt it funny that two women with the same haircut by the same hairdresser still look totally different? and also, how everyone has exactly the same parts in which to be a human, and yet we all look and are different? i think so.]

so, ive been thinking about families lately. well, families of all kinds, really. all of my friends and everyone i love and everyone who loves me. families are different than you think, but i am glad for them.
i do want a lot of kids. read or listen to the book on tape of cheaper by the dozen if you dont believe me.
this is how families are:
the other day, my sisters and i were supposed to be doing christmas baking and cleaning, but instead we were driving each other crazy, and my mother too. we were noisy and grumpy and all the rest. she sat us all down in a row on the couch and told us to not talk and to enjoy each others company. well, pretty soon, we were talking and enjoying each others company even though we werent supposed to but then we all ended up having a fun time on the couch and laughing and talking.
we like each other even though we are a mess. my roommate always gives me a towel to use, even though i forget one every single time i come to visit. and my family loved me even though i was miss grumpypants on christmas eve (shame on me.) and how people i know listen to me talk, even though they probably might have heard it before.
this is a hard concept, sortof, but there it is.
we should be family with everyone, despite the facts. and the facts are hard to get around, but if you do manage to get around it, its like all the best jokes. and even the crummy ones too. but you still laugh your head off, even if it is crummy. cause i think thats something we can do to help things. and really, we are blessed, and there is much joy in this world, all things considered.

Posted 12/27/2006 6:47 PM