{ this post is to my library books as my library books are to my smudgy heart}

which means, of course, that its far overdue, which is the problem i always have with library books. this is because i love the library so much, and everytime i go i find a million books that i want so i check them out, and then, of course, i dont have enough time to read them, and i hate to give things back that i havent read yet. so then they are overdue and thats a problem. however, funnily enough, my notebook has been getting quite a bit of use lately, which is good and bad. i desperately need a laptop (mac or pc?!?!). i just cant write here otherwise, i think. i cant explain it, its psycological, i guess. but a lot of people here do not understand about my notebook. that is a big difference between here and college.

however, i lately had one night that was very miserable, and, therefore, i scribbled about 6 pages worth of notes for a book someday. i think it might be a good idea. maybe.

i got perhaps the worst haircut in my life the other day. i mean, it looks okay, but im not really sure its actually straight. or what i asked for when i went in. its always risky getting your haircut. i was thinking about it, and its really funny, because this sort of haircut is something that happens when i just cant stand it anymore, and i just have to get my haircut and then something happens, and you just feel better, because if everything else is out of your control, d***it, and there is nothing you can possibly do about it, but you can get your haircut, and so you will. but i realized this time that actually, you cant control this either, because you arent holding the sissors. and that is a big part of controlling the haircut. that is a slightly startling realization.

but it was almost worth it because the lady i was talking to was a little halirious. she told me all this crazy stuff and some funny stories and she kept saying "oh my lordy, God help us." and if she wasnt doing something or other with my hair i think she would have done the catholic cross thing (genuflect? i forget what its called.) because she was and old mexican lady who immigrated here 30 years ago. she had good stories. and she cared for people.

i want to do that.
but i wonder if it is a good idea or not, sometimes. friends seem fluid, and i apparently, am not good at it, really. which is funny because it never seemed hard for me. but neither did a lot of things, so i dont guess thats a really good way to judge. i do want, and need, friends, though. also, it is hard to think about real things here, sometimes, because so much time is taken up with normal living things: cleaning, deciding about dinner, dusting, etc. that is another difference between here and college. everything seemed bigger and more important there, and i didnt have to spend much time with various sundry details because there wasnt that much room for them. dusting, for instance, took half an instant for the whole dorm, if it was even necessary--no surface was hardly still long enough to merit the need for it.
however, here i work at the rescue mission. i know a guy who was beat up in the ghetto, and there was a lady who died because a cinder block was dropped on her head while she was driving and another guy whose car was stolen. and we are learning about the sermon on the mount at church (you should listen too.) and i dont know. its harder to care here, maybe, but with more opportunities. which is ironic.
but everything is something to offer, even in this discouraging, lonely, scary, hopeful, and mysterious old world.

things are not necessarily good over here, you know. dumb things are hard, and i have a hard time with them. but things are not bad, either. i often think that things that should not be happening to me are (not strictly circumstancial, though, because we must learn to rejoice in them and through them); and that things that should be happening to me or seem to always be happening to someone else, do not happen to me regularly at all, or even infrequently, or never. is this a problem? maybe this is why ive been on an eighties movie kick lately. which has put me in the mood for 80s music. any suggestions for good stuff?
also, i have lots of mosquito bites, for some reason. and it is hard to walk in the rain and eat chicken nuggets and smile at people.

smiling at people is newly, or perhaps more renew-ed-ly important. this is something that a dog is good for. i have been trying to walk the dog. this is important to me because 1) i feel like im getting fatter since ive been home, which is probably only half a smidgin true, but it feels like more, so i should exercise and 2) its nice outsitde most nights and 3) because it is nice to say hello to people. ti do try to do that when i walk. it is good. and it is a way to be friends, fluidly, and that is how it should be, so you dont feel sad--rather, you feel just the opposite. i have made lots of random friends this way. once, when i was shopping, i encountered a former kindergardener named sophie and we had a very nice lengthy conversation. and we were best friends for 10 minutes and she gave me a hug when she left and that was just how it should be.

it was also good because it distracted me from my growing irritation with shopping. it used to be that i got irritated because nothing was modest, or it didnt fit right. and these things are still true. but it is rather rapidly being replaced by two things: first, i hate having to look at each piece of clothing and stand there and decide whether the article of clothing is a dress or a skirt, or a shirt. half of this stuff is virtually indistinguishable. and that is irritating. it lengthens time time required for any shopping trip by a lot cause you have to stand there and decide about everything. grrrr. the other irritation is that i am not pregnant (insofar as i can tell. theres always that nagging worry, per the x-ray complications, and the internet research with the two-times-ago roommates.) nor do i have any desire to look pregnant. and 3/4 of the clothing available is also suitable for maternity wear. its a little insane. oh, if only i was pregnant right now, i would be all set. im tempted to stock up anyway for when i am pregnant, because im sure by then, that only skinny styles will be in fashion, and i will be doomed to wear old lady pregnant clothes. maybe then i will look like im from the 80s. how exciting.

anyway, last time i was walking puppy, i let her run around in this great field, which was still smelling damp and freshly cut and clovery. there is nothing i like so well, unless you add the fireflies and what do you know, there were fireflies. and life was good, even though. and the whole thing was entirely too poetical to put into an actual poem, so i will write it in prose, but it was lovely. a few moments before i started walking, someone told me to be sure and look at the sun (what a remarkable thing! i usually tell people to look at the moon) because it was setting very prettily. so i looked as i was walking,but i could never see it. as i was leaving the field and there was a bright light through the trees and i thought that it must be the sunset. turned out, it was a street light.
i was certainly glad it wasnt the sun.

we really do have smudgy hearts, dont we?

Posted 7/18/2007 9:50 AM