[an aside]

[ first, the p.s.]
if you would, pray for my dad tomorrow (tuesday, january 23, 2007)? hes having a biopsy--he was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma last week and this will help determine what to do next and stuff. im sorry if i havent gotten around to telling you in personally; we've been running around like chickens, mostly. so yeah, just pray he doesnt have to lose his hair. and that it gets better. (and while youre at it, pray in general just for the necessity of it. and also, i need a job. or a million dollars.) thanks, loves.

[ now: an aside ]

before i get around to talking about the present confusion in my own life (and the continuation of the previous post, although i suppose this is, in some way, a different part of that same continuation) i shall pause for a moment to talk about the future confusion that is almost guraenteed.
at the risk of sounding (at least momentarily, and perhaps longer) like one of those girls who thinks constantly and singularly about marriage, wedding planning and baby names, i did want to document these thoughts while they still made a smidgin of sense in my head, not to mention while they were still around.
>>> first off, there is the subject of marriage. i do want to get married of course; however, i dont imagine i am ready to pursue any such endeavor any time soon. however, i have been reading this book that has made me think much harder about the order of things and my priorities therein. this paragraph says it all. oh wait. there is too much; let me sum up:
"but i wonder if it wouldnt be the most radical and even progressive act an ambitious women could commit. right now, we live our lives exactly backwards. we pursue careers when we are hardly ready for them and then try to marry and have children when that is far more difficult later to do the older we get. wouldnt it be something if we did things as they were perhaps intended and get married to someone fabulous and stay that way for the rest of your life, have kids while you still have the energy to stay up all night with them and enjoy them, and then when they are older, pursue various other passions and enjoy your family all grown up and your husband. this will require sacrifice and perhaps the rearrangement of our plans, but this is how we grow and find contentment and besides, it will be ridiculously and unbelieveably well worth it."
-- paraphrased from what our mothers didnt tell us: why happiness eludes the modern woman by danielle crittenden

perhaps i have previously had things in the wrong order? or maybe the wrong priorities, anyway. the question still remains, of course, about the correct way in which to go about filling these expectations and how the feminism that is engrained in my head, even though i dont actually believe in it, figures in with this. it is a hard thing to balance, which is probably why so many women have such a hard time with it.
what to do, what to do. besides, i still dont think im ready to get married any time soon, but who even knows. not me!
heres a really good article about the subject. (and i know the guy who wrote it!)
and also, at the end of this month, my parents will have been married 25 years. my goodness.
i find the timing of this thinking slightly ironic, seeing as i guess ill have to find a boy if im going to get married. and, just for the record, i'd rather marry someone i hated than someone i was indifferent about. the end.

>>> secondly, there is the subject of weddings. if i do change the order of things, as suggested, then fairly soon, i might be getting married. either way, i would hope to eventually. someone told me that i should start planning my wedding now, and thereby account for my ridiculous indecisiveness. if i start planning now, i might only change my mind a thousand times instead of more than that, and i might not drive my future husband absolutely crazy.
i only know this: entirely too much money is currently spent on weddings. theres no reason for someone to spend $50,000+ on one's wedding. and also, at my wedding, there will be none of this adult-only business. we're going to have a party! and its going to be a freakingawesome time. and everyone should be there. the end again.

>>> and then children. (once again, it all comes back to the elementary school sayings: first comes love and then marriage, and then the baby in the baby carriage. and just the other day i got to explain to someone what XYZ meant, cause they had missed that. o dear.) but im pretty sure i still want a lot of kids. i was thinking the other day that if i happen to be a bad mother, then having a lot of kids might be the way to go. i mean, if i just had one kid and it was hideous, people would be like what the freak. but if i had 8 kids and they werent so well behaved, people would just say oh that poor dear, trying to handle all those kids alone all day. and thats nicer.
also, a new plan for me might be to foster care leading to adoption. (well, actually, half and half, maybe.) one important factor being that this would accomplish having the lots of kids without necessarily resigning myself to be fat for the rest of my life. i think i would prefer domestic adoption (as in, not starving children in africa, but hurting and need-ful children in america) and it would give kids a chance to get out of a hurtful situation and into a better one. and i think the government might pay you, if i heard correctly. we shall see.
this is all spectulation on my part, you know.
kids are becoming more important to me, i think. i mean, i never thought i'd want to teach at all, but i think i like it. or at least, i think i like substituting for a while. but scarier too. im not sure i'll be a good mother to a million kids. or even just 6 or 8 of them. (sigh.)
but if you dont want a lot of kids (which you should want at least several, if not a lot), go to the library and either read or listen to the audio book of cheaper by the dozen. its awesome.
and no matter how many kids you have, name them something decent. ive said it once, and ill say it again. you dont want everyone laughing at your kids name when its printed in the graduation program. goodness knows theres not much else to do at graduations besides examine everyones names in the program.

okay. thats enough of that.

Posted 1/22/2007 11:51 PM