{ oh, im so scared of camels.! }

[ and im not standing here asking you to marry me. im just asking you not to marry him. and to maybe take a walk. or a chance. --john beckwith // wedding crashers. ]

so, due to unavoidable circumstances, [namely, my inability to pack anything whatsoever] i added another life experience to list. i left late on tuesday when i was coming to jackson, so i decided that i wanted to stay in a hotel cause i was getting sooo sleepy, and i thought that wasnt a good idea, maybe. so i found one that looked clean, but not too expensive or anything so i checked in and went up to my room and dumped my stuff on the bed. and i tried to turn on the tv. and it didnt work. and then i tried the lights and they didnt work. and the alarm clock didnt work, and i definately needed that, you know. so i called the front desk and said

"um, i know this is weird, but stuff in my room doesnt work."
the front desk grumpy hispanic guy: "did you turn on the lightswitch?"
me: "um, yes."
and then he explains the whole process of turning on the lights, just in case i didnt know.
and i said "well, yes, i tried that, and it didnt work."
him: well, do you really need your lights and tv?"
me: yes. i really need my lights and tv.
him: well, do you want me to come up and look at it?"

and i did, so he came and he was soo condescending, and he tried everything, but nothing worked, of course, and i laughed at his increasing perplextion about the subject. finally he decided it was the breaker, and so he fixed it and i was happy and he was glad to be leaving me, i think. heh. and then i watched wedding crashers again and fell asleep.

and then, i got to jackson, and i was running around like a chicken, which is apparently what i do in jackson, but apparently what i do everywhere, so i dont know. but there was a sign on my door that my wonderful roommates had put up and it said "welcome home, julie" and i said yes, i am home. and i was in my room. and i was with all of my friends. and i was in a town that i sortof like, even though its not even great. [maybe thats the definition of love: you sortof like it, even when its not great?] and there was great food; i probably gained like 5 pounds, but there are apparently more important things in life.

and after i was running around like a [happy] chicken, i went to BP, and it was mostly useless, but i was in nashville, and i love nashville. and i was with some people that i really like, for the most part. and i had a conversation that changed the direct focus of my life at this moment, maybe? and i was walking around the corner, and in the middle of downtown nashville and country music and motorcycles and homeless people and business people and crazy buildings and traffic, i found:
a camel.
in downtown nashville.
and he had a ring of flowers around his neck.
and he had a name: bo the camel.
and just as i walked by, a little girl ran by me, and ran in front of the camel and screamed that she was so scared of camels! ahhhhh!, and there were dogs and goats and sheep and cows and a pig and snakes everywhere, but she was worried about the camel for who knows why. all the priests and page boys were running around in magenta instead of white, and this was all happening in front of this absolutely beautiful episcopalian? [sp?] church, and the animals were going to church: it was the feast of st. francis, so they were there for a blessing. and a whole church service. and that makes sense, i suppose. i always heard that you should never turn down prayers or blessings, where ever you can get them. kindof like hugs or something. but once in a while, you just have to turn down hugs, if its sketchy enough.
i cant explain why this was a terribly important event for me. but it was. it really changed my whole weekend.
i saw a camel in nashville and life is good. or it will be good. and stuff.

i remembered that i take things too seriously when they dont necessarily need to be sooo serious. like writing. i say that if i cant do it perfectly, then clearly im not a writer, and i never will be. and also, i think that if i cant be elisabeth elliot by tomorrow or so, then why even bother reading my bible? cause clearly, im probably headed straight to hell anyway.
but no. im ridiculous. things are processes. and baby steps are o.k.a.y.
but part of the reason i think i cant write when im here, or havent been able to so far anyway, is because i just dont think im comfortable here, which is weird. cause it is home, just as much as jackson is. i have a church. and a house. and a family. and a few real friends, maybe. at least 4 of them. [well, both places are home inasmuch as i dont have a spot in either of them anymore, really. but thats okay, too. its just weird.] but anyway, the difference is this: i would wear pajamas out in public in peoria because i dont know anyone, and if i do know them [and they arent my family or a few closeish friends], i dont care enough about what they would think about me out in public in my pajamas. but i would wear my pajamas out in jackson because i do know people, and they've lived with me and they know me and, as far as i can tell, they still dont mind with me.
and i think thats a big part of why i have had a hard time getting words on a page: its amazing what feeling loved and cared about does for a person. [however, i was not prepared for how hard this could be, both ways, mind you.] and i always feel so see-through-able: i feel like everyone can tell when im feeling ridiculous or dumb or something, even though they probably arent really able to cause people dont pay that much attention. but just knowing that you are cared for regardless is quite something. and i think that when i can believe that about myself in this town, then it might feel differently for me. but im just guessing now.

also, when i was driving home from home, i picked some cotton.!

if i am having a quarter life crisis [and im not sure that i am, but i might be], and im only 22, is that a sign that i will only live until im 88? if ive only got until im 88, then my heavens. the distance between 88 and 100 suddently seems very big, even though its only 12 years.
there are big decisions to make. and things to worry about. and adventures to have. and things to do!
i want to love.
i am learning that you cant just not do something because you dont know its not foolproof.

i could start quoting garden state to you all, you know the part: "it's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place." and im not sure if i agree with that completly, or even mostly, but i do know this:

there is nowhere that i feel at home anymore, really, but i do feel at home with you.

currently playing: take it easy // the eagles

Posted 10/10/2006 10:53 AM