leave it to beaver

so, a lot has happened.
and a lot hasnt happened.

its hard to know where to begin, really [which is why i shouldnt let myself not write]. the past month overall has been pretty good?. work was alright, i went to a wedding that was so fun, ive been watching good things and reading good things and hanging out with the family. and then: the last week has been completely sucky. completely. (except for on tuesday when i received 50 recipe cards with little happy beavers on them by accident, because in what universe is that not happy?) (but what the heck am i going to do with 50 accidental recipe cards with happy little beavers on them?! i cant even cook)

details are more or less superfluous at this point, but basically, i felt expendable. (and traumatized). and i was (so) hurt. and mad. and i cried. twice.
and i am not a crier. not one bit.
and i hate things that make me cry.
and: i wish those things wouldnt happen.
even so, i quit crying eventually. and things are better, more-or-less. and im not complaining.
and then i made a list. here it is.

these are things that i am learning:
1. even though things totally suck, i have to trust. --yes, and praise the one who orders the universe.
2. not only do i have to trust, but i also have to try and not be bitter. and even forgive. even though i am bitter and do not want to forgive.
3. sucky things do not just happen to me. they happen to everyone. i must pay attention and care for others. cause im not the most important.
4. tap dancing is severely overlooked and underappreciated nowadays, as is dancing in general. (yeah. no one puts baby in the corner.)
5. some things are not my calling. and some things are not my fault and beyond my control.
6. i dont know what my calling is. it is not a lot of things. and it is not tapdancing, which is sad. but theres no rush. things will happen as they will. i just need to be ready. and as not scared as i can manage.
7. i am becoming thankful for things i never thought i would be thankful for--things like production nights until 5 in the morning and working at gross resturants.
8. stationery is important. using it, moreso.
9. theres not many things decent conversations, swisscakerolls (or oatmeal cream pies, if you will), and good, funny things wont fix. these things are key. they can help things you didnt know were even wrong.
10. what do you know. i like mediterranian food. and swisscakerolls. but not twinkies. just today i heard someone listing ridiculous things and they said: and pretty soon, we'll have organic twinkies. they're right, thats ridiculous.
11. also: being wanted is so, so wonderful. (oh thursdays.)
12. even when you run out of options, sometimes, there are still more. they are called surprise options.
13. privilege has no D in it. who knew.
14. oftentimes the search is more imporant than what you are looking for; othertimes what you find is the important part. but for sure--dont skip the looking.
15. in the scheme of things, things are okay. i am okay. God is good. i am (more-or-less) content. the world is full of possibilities. and it is spring, after all.
16. this is why piddling is important. and i like it. also, i would be happy if i could grow up and dress like jackie O and lorelai gilmore combined. very happy.
17. punctuation matters. really.
18. happy beaver recipe cards are awesome.

[nobody ever had a dream around here, but i dont really mind that its starting to get to me.
we’ve seen it all: bonfires of trust, flash floods of pain.
it doesn’t really matter. don’t you worry, it’ll all work out?]

currently playing: the killers // sam's town

Posted 3/25/2007 1:09 AM