heres something new:

heres something new: i think my official favorite boy spot is officially open. and that is sooo crazy, because that hasnt even happened for about 2 years or something, and i dont know why its happening now, except i just woke up on tuesday morning and whatever weirdo thing in my head that told me the first favorite boy [we will call him A]was the favorite boy told me that he wasnt quite the absolute favorite anymore. that boy is still in the top 3ish, but i dont know. see, its all a mess. this other boy [who used to be favorite number 3; we'll call him B] probably moved up a few notches. to maybe about 1.5. [but he is not the number one favorite boy; he is simply not first. hes 1.5] but B my second favorite person with that name. and then A, the previous number 1 favorite, is about 3/4 of the way behind that boy, but theres another boy [C] that might be an almost favorite, and theres another one thats another almost favorite too. and C about half behind B, but about 2/3 ahead of A. and i dont know where D is, really. if someone can tell me how that all works out cause i dont know, you can be the favorite boy [or girl] for like an hour or 5 hours or something [well, actually, time for favorite girls is rarely, if ever, limited. once youre that, you pretty much are that forever]. and being the favorite boy for long times doesnt happen very often; favorite boys for 5 minutes are more likely, you know. its all very confusing, however [!], im not even very worried about it, cause probably in about 2 days or something, ill probably wake up and figure it out. cause those things just come to me, i think. lucky for me--cause how could i decide something so important as the favorite boy list? too much pressure. its nicer this way, when i dont decide it by myself. and i know it sounds crazy, but it happens like that with some things. like when i write stuff sometimes, and stuff. i dont know. maybe ill give up favorite boys altogether. but i dont think thats a good idea. i think one of my favorite places at night is also terribly frusterating. i think the middle of missouri, rather close to the mississippi river, has some of the prettiest stars ever cause they are visible, and you can see them sovery well. but i can neverever see them because if im in the middle of missouri near the mississippi river, im driving. and its not very safe to look at stars and drive, you know. so someday, when i have nothing to do, i think ill just drive out there, and sit and look at them. cause theres so many more than here. although, it does seem like a shame to go look without knowing what they all are. i need to learn my constallations most likely. i dont know why they dont teach you those things in school. it seems like a perfectly useless thing to know, which is what they usually teach you, but it would be very lovely to know them all. the thing about them is that all the stars look the same sometimes, so its hard to tell. but i do know about 3 of them. maybe ill work on learning the rest. one time, somebody tried to point out that "hey, those 3 stars up there make a triangle." i laughed at that one. heh, work on learning constillations and all my other 48324987342 resolutions. i have far too many. i always overwhelm myself with goals, and then never do any of them. its a problem. here are some: to not waste time. to learn to dance. to be published somewhere besides lifeway sometime. to be more disciplined. to read a lot of things. to pray more. to love more. to stand up straight. to have prettier hands. to eat healthy. to remain organized for more than 10 minutes in a row. to laugh. to talk. to be outside more. to live. to grow. and ever so many more.i dont want to be ugly when i grow up. and i mean that in the most superficial and the deepest way possible, and also in neither of those ways. well, i dont really know what i mean. you know. but i am content with me, when all is said and done, i think. at least sortof. not content in the finished sense, but in the other kind, where you feel like things are how they should be at this moment. and in a minute things can change, and you will cry or laugh or who knows what, and you will grow and go backward a little and you might be different tomorrow, but maybe not and its all ok. and things are good. and they will be tomorrow, too, because He is good. and there are things to be done [!], and im ready to do them. or im ready to try, anyway, i think. and im only a little scared. im ready to go places, and only some of those places are literal.
tomorrow:
i plan to buy a chair.
and i will be happy.
and i will read some books.
and write a poem, and maybe even work.
hopefully.
and i will listen to good music, and i will dance, just a little.
and maybe-hopefully i will get some tacobell and hotfudge.
and i will leave my window open, even at night.
and i will, perhaps, find a constallation chart.
and things will be good.

Posted 1/4/2006 5:03 PM