12.09.05

its funny how just a change in scene or talking with favoritest people can inspire a fresh flow of thoughts. new thoughts are good. umhum. [so--talking my head off.[!]]
consequently, ive been scribbling in my new little notebook [which is awesome, and im so glad i have it. because ive needed it. my regular notebook, which i actually do miss very much despite the coolness of the little one, is easier to write in and nice to hold. but unfortunately, that is one of those things still in the car waiting to be unpacked. im a mess.]
anyway, its so nice to be home among all the nice familiar things and christmas. this weekend was all of the church music stuff, and i dont even know if i can explain why i love that so much. i made everyone go twice [and i would have gone the third time, if could have managed it, but i couldnt.] i dont know why i love it sooo much, really. and its not like im especially in love with all christmas music. i think its the choir, actually. and all the people singing altogether, and everything. really, its one of the few things that makes me tearyish.
also, i miss being in a choir. i like having something to make perfect. i had ballet, and choir and stuff, and now i have writing, but thats harder for some reason. maybe because in choir someone else is responsible for making you sound good, and with writing its all you. but i do enjoy it a very great deal when i feel like i can make something perfect after i write it. not that that happens all that often. i mostly just love those moments where i think i have finally written a line of poetry that works. how rare [!]
i started my first book of the break [my goal is to read 4 over christmas] and i forgot how much i lovelovelove to read for fun. its everso lovely. also: i need to reread the best christmas pagent ever this year, im pretty sure. i think i skipped last year. also, i really like how the Christmas Story is soo famiilar in that way where i almost have it memorized and when someones reading it i can say it along with them and know just whats coming, but i probably couldnt recite it. maybe i could, i dont know. i havent tried. but then still also, its still lovely.
and i just took the contacts out of my eyes for the second time in like a month, or month and a half or something. it feels funny without them.
gah, i want to be good at something. i remembered that this weekend. like i might even want to be an expert at something. or something like that. but it is a comfort to know that i do have some sense about me, at least sometimes. and i do think i have relatively good instincts [if i could just follow them]. like: i usually have a good idea of what to wear to places. and what not to do with necklaces. and how to call the ambulance if necessary, and how to refrain if its not. and other stuff. not too much sense, yet, but there is the smallest hope that someday there will be more.
its funny to notice your own speech patterns. like i know i talk fast, and probably mumble a lot of times, but i dont really know that i am. except for every once in a while i catch myself and im amazed and like wow. that was horrible, and i should talk clearer.
but anyway, lately ive caught myself being very uncommittal, and um-ming a lot, and saying "something" and "stuff." hmm. who even knows why. its probably a phase.
also, i think its so terribly important to know the harmonies to things, because it just sounds prettier that way, so ive been working on it. because i fully intend to be one of those ladies who sits in the back of church and belts out the harmonies [even very badly] to all of these great old songs with my hair up in a bun and pearls and heels, like i know what im singing about [!] cause by that time, lets hope i do. but i want to know what happens if everyone thinks its important to know the harmonies? then theres no melody, and thats a problem, but how are we supposed to know who sings what? i think maybe there should be sections in church too, like in choir. except, i think i found out that i know a lot of the tenor harmonies instead of the alto ones, because daddy sings louder than mumma, i guess, and its been that way for my whole life. but he sings tenor, so i picked a lot of those up, i think ? im not even sure, exactly. but if i do know the tenor ones, thats a smidgin embarrassing and kindof weird and mostly awkward, and whatever am i going to do to correct that? i dont even know.
i think i get sleepier a lot faster without contacts in my eyes. hum.

currently reading: the best christmas pagent ever

Posted 12/19/2005 2:28 AM