first things first

well, first things first.
im pretty sure ive posted this for like every finals week for as long as ive lived, or at least as long as ive known about it. but it still makes me eversohappy, because its wonderful [hooray! for funny men]. not to mention i am a traditional, if not sentimental, person. or maybe im sentimental if not traditional. eh, i forget. but it doesnt matter, really. the point is that i hope i survive.
>>>
"ARGHHH!!!
i wish i had the superpower to disappear.
but, alas, i cannot! i am but a mere mortal! and what then when a person is thrown around by life's cruel intentions? will we not drown in the depths of such madness? wail about in the clear, sticky web, spun by some egomaniacal force? are we not all hidden in this veil of mortal ignorance? we are all different--so are we not all the same? are we but dreamers in a container of liquid nitrogen--freezing in a binary machine of infinirt inferiority?! this dream is never-ending! this conversation never happened! all that exists is the english* exam! my life is nothing after the bubbles are darkened!
the caveat is the textbook--her eyes stab into the gray brain of illogical conclusions. and who then will solve life's mysteries--the reports floating in cyberspace, the news-bits in the ten-second media blitz that derives forbidden pleasure from economic meltdowns and the unforeseen destruction of foreign economic policy??are we not men and women who deny this marshmallow-world, with all of its mushy truth--its own self-absorbed bitterness that falls like a single tear, with majesty as ephemeral as a swan floating on its own reflection?!?!?!??!???
answer me! for the truth, i must know! in all of its unknowable-glory! so i can die--a happy girl!* will i not know? can i know? or will these truths forever escape me like a mink hiding in a foxhole. had we only the patience, an understanding, could we know such things--but patience does not exist. there exists nothing but single moments that live and die. and thursday* is my lit crit* final.* after thursday* will be the end of the world. but until then i exist to study. after thursday* will be the end of the world! make peace with God. make peace with nature, for the truth will set everyone free!
good day!"


p.s words followed by a star [*] may be substituted for applicable word of choice.

<<<
i think watching me during finals week would be a funny thing, and i didnt even think about it till today when my roommate was taking pictures, but apparently, i change clothes a lot when i study. and i knew i did this sometimes: like if i put on something in the morning, and it doesnt even feel like that kind of day, i will change until i find something that feels like "today." and also, if i have to do something really important [even if its just in my room, like writing something or something], ill put on something that feels really important, like a skirt or dress shoes or something. [im veryvery much a mood clothes-picker-outer/wearer.] but goodness, ive been in a changing clothes mood lately. i guess ive been bad at guessing what i feel like in the first place. now, i remember both my little sisters changing clothes a lot, but i dont remember doing it till i got older. so maybe it is genetic after all. we'll blame that anyway, i think. but. today i think i was in 3 pairs of pants, and then pajamapants, and like 6 shirts or something and hats, and socks or no socks, and sunday shoes and tennis shoes and barefoot and scarfs and hoodie, so in every picture im in something different, i think. i really couldnt find what i needed to wear. and i know, thats ridiculous. it really is. but i think i found it now: striped warm socks, bestest pajamapants, softest vneck, pearl earrings, hat. i probably dont even match, but it doesnt matter, for this is the clothescombination for studying today, and all is right with the world again.
goodness, im a very ridiculous person. and talkintoable [!].
also: my goals for the next month and halfish include:
being perfectly inspired so i can write something genius next semester
sleeping a lot
reading lots of good things
living.
not eating everything ever, and maybe even exercise
thinkingthinkingthinking
becoming better at conversation.
and being gracious and not worrying and writing at least some.

i always intimidate myself with my to-do lists. i should start making achievable goals.
im mostly sure i was relatively disasterous altogether this week. and i was having a hard time with that and not even liking it one bit until someone reminded me that things werent actually all about me. and they didnt say that in so many words, and they didnt say it a really snotty way, either, and it really turned my week around again. i forget that so much. even if i am a walking disaster about osomany things, [or things dont work out, or things are stupid, or anything at all, really] it doesnt even matter, because there are more important things. like wiggling toes, and hotchocolate, and friends, and the poorest of the poor, and praying, and laughing, and hospitals and wars and love and christmas and life.
i was talking with a friend the other day about how easy it is to forget these things, and how sad it is that we do forget, because we shouldnt, and i decided that the only way to remember is to keep it in front of your face mostly every single day instead of avoiding it. and for a long time, i think i was scared to do this because i was afraid that if i keep heartbreaking things in front of my face, i would lose the beauty. but im mostly sure i was wrong when i thought that, because im pretty sure that you dont have to choose one or the other. i think you get both, so mostly theres no excuse. it may be harder to reconcile things, and to see both at the same time, but im pretty sure both will be there in the end, and that is grace right there, and thats something. [!]
;

and in this case, i think that doing the actual being is
somthing like taking the good, clean laundry straight
from the dryer, and turning on some really good
music and lying on the floor and covering yourself
all over with the laundry. sometimes, the buttons
from the blue jeans burn, and somtimes its too hot,
but mostly you just let the warmness spread all over you.
its also like libraries and frostbite and cookies and running into
things, and snuggly pajamas. and that analogy is right, i think.

Posted 12/11/2005 11:46 PM - email it