[ so, feliz navidad.]

i think the feeling i hate mostest in the whole world is knowing that im not good enough for, oh, whatever. school, or friends or whatever. i guess capable is what i mean. i really hate feeling uncapable.
but anyway, the point of that was that ive been feeling o-so-uncapable for a while now, but now even more and differently and also just ridiculous
because i cant speak spanish except a little, and he [israel, student from ecuador who is studying in texas that daddy met him and his family when he was in ecuador last november, and israel came here for christmas since he couldnt go to home for some reason. i dont know enough spanish to know why not yet.] but he speaks only the smallest amount of english and im very flustered, and uncapable, and its so weird to be that way when im home, because it should be all comfortable here, and it mostly is. but also very uncomfortable.
because even though i suck a mug at spanish [i learned the alphabet in spanish 3 for goodness sakes], i speak it the best out of my whole family [cause i did learn a lot of stuff before the alphabet, i guess, thank heavens], and a lot of other people too. and thats just sad.
also, its very no good. and im getting veryvery good at rearranging things in my head to work with my limited vocabulary. im thinking of a lot of spanish in my head, even when im talking english, so i can try and remember things.
and im trying osohard to function as some sort of translator person. and yes, my spanish has improved a lot in the past week, let me tell you, [!] and so has his english. but its still very bad, and osohard, and most of our conversations [with each other, and when im "translating"--[ha!]-- go like this: [either person can start, in either language:]
"words, words, words"
"repeating what you said?"
"no se. more words said in attempt to clarify."
"que?"
"repeats what we said already."
"oh, no se.[!] repeate, y no rapidimente, porfavor."
"say it again"
"*sigh.* no se. donde esta un dicctionario?"
"aqui"
*making thinking faces and looking up necessary words."
"try again."
"eh?"
"gaaahh! no se, no se."
"gah. muy mal. lo siento."
"si, es muy dificil. no es importante."
"un momento. *looks at dictionary again*."
"some awful mix of spanish and english"
" no comprendo! gaaaaah!"
"gaaaaaaah! no se, no se."
and its very funny and ridiculous and laughing and looking up things and flustered and thinking really hard in another language. and its hard. harder than i would have guessed. i feel stupider more often than i would have expected, or strictly desired. and weird.
if i were somewhere else in a different country or something, i would expect to not be able to communicate and i would revel in how different we all are and how cool sounding that language is, and i wish i could speak it [but i wont bother], and also how im so glad that english is a relatively common language]. but im at my house and i should be able to talk and i cant [at least not to the extent that im used to to everyone] and its weird. and i dont like it and i dont like to feel stupid, and i dont want other people to feel stupid. and its just no good, altogether.
and words are important to me
well, because i like them. and i like it when they are used well, and cringe when they are used badly, and i want to know them and about them, and play with them and make them pretty, and i like to speak them [duh] and hear them ever so much. its practically my favorite. ever, i think. at least almost.
and i like what they accomplish, and how they go about accomplishing things
in that simmer-y way
but anyway, i was just thinking today how absolutely crazy it is that there are so many more words in the world, probably like a thousand other languages worth. like not necessarily in meaning, but in tenses and conjugations and grammar, histories and idioms and dialects, sound and feel and weight.
and i only know like .0000000158 of those words
actually, probably less and that is absolutely crazy
and i never will know them either. and hardly even some of them. and thats so weird. and then theres all the people we wont get to know, and all their stories
theres not enough time and i probably waste the time i do have; i dont love enough, or do enough about it [mamaT again].
cause im stupid, and who even knows why else
i dont know. and then daddy sang that one song with the men's group for christmas music this weekend
i forget what its called.
but whatever. and it said something like "and that Baby, not yet speaking, was the Word of God to man."
and i just thought about how beautiful that was--




[ so, feliz navidad.]

Posted 12/23/2005 12:03 AM -