// taking steps away with hesitance //

it has just occurred to me what a very vulnerable place this is to be.
its very vulnerable.
dont like it. but the funny thing is that all of it is vulerable; everyone doesnt want anyone to know the worst of them. but its not really hard to find the worst in everyone at all. i wonder if there is anyway to keep all the best parts of vulnerable and get rid of all the grossness of it.

and im sorry [and irritated] that lately all ive been able to write is just straight up word vomit. i get all ambitious and i plan out practically every minute of an hour or two and i decide that i will be so productive and everything, and then the list just looks simply exhausting, and so i dont do anything i set out to do at all. which is no good at all. im awful at time management. [but i cant get around the fact that some things just seem more important. like people? my own learning outside class? fun? prayer? heck--surviving? i dont know. mustmustmust keep proper perspecitive.] but--theres so much to do in the world, and so many people that ought to be my best friends and that i should dance with and eat with and cook with and shop with and talk to and learn from and struggle with and be driven crazy by and think about and converse with.

this semester, people have become incredibly fascinating for me. i want to be with them and watch them and think about them all the time, which is no good. and this makes me feel sorry for you. which makes me mad at myself [sortof] because i want to be unhappy about it all, but not really because i am happy for me. [ i feel bad for you because: im pretty darn sure that you are missing out. and you know it. and you are saddened by it. but those are your choices, not mine. so whatever, honey.] [and: i found a happy picture. happy[ier [than now]] has happened before. so there.] [the art of losing isnt hard to master] and some things are not actually my responsibility.
i believe in a lot of things that i dont actually believe in:
> i think that the road beside my grandparents house is absolutely haunted [but i dont actually believe in ghosts]
> i believe in the toothfairy. [but not really]
> i believe in the regular sort of fairies, and goblins, and witches, and things of this sort [but i know better]
> i beleve in fairy tales [even though i know they arent realistic]
> i am ridiculously superstitious--salt over shoulder, i knock on wood etc.etc.etc. [but i dont believe in superstition.]and so on. i think one of the best phrases is: 'and a wonderful time was had by all.' --said that a few times recently.

and i think one of the worst phrases is 'goodbye.' i think i resolve never to say it if i can help it. i mean its ok when you know that you dont mean it in that final sort of sense, but if i ever am required to say it in that final sort of sense, i dont think i will cause it just makes everything that much worse. its already bad enough to begin with because you might be required to say it anyway, but then to actually say it just is terrible. if i had it my way, i would never say goodbye to anyone, but instead we would all just do that think where we all part amiably and with every intention of keeping in touch and being best friends forever, but then somebody or everybody is awful at keeping in touch and stuff so you lose track of each other, but whenever you think of the other person its still a happy time because its not marred by anything like "goodbye" and then someday when you run into each other at the grocery store or at the mall or whatever it will be a happy reunion full of fond memories and other good things. and "hello" doesnt have to be ominious either. also: if i were the woman i wanted to be, i would be less awful, and i would be wonderful. just like my planned-out-hours: my ideals may be bigger and higher than is possible at this point, which is terribly disappointing at this point in my life. [i suck. i need Jesus.] [ but apparently good ideas have a life span of 20 minutes] i think i always want to write handwritten notes; they are nicer. and big piles of blankets and people are awesome. note to self: licking various faces does not help to increase warmth. there has got to be a balance somewhere. i want to name my kids nice names. and i swear, everyone that i dont know looks just like someone i do know. and this semeseter, i think i have become obsessed with nicknames. and i dont even use nicknames because i dont know anyones real name, cause i do know the real name, but i just have made everyone a "babe" or "honey" or "dear" or "buddy" or "darlin'" or "stupidhead" or something. i just got a paycheck from a year ago. hope its still good? [hope your mom's still good. oooooo.]

currently playing: if you dont, dont // jimmy eat world

Posted 4/24/2005 7:22 PM