packing

uuuughh. i was supposed to start packing three weeks ago. i have trouble packing.
i can distinctly recall the first time i packed something. i have no middle, you know, im all extremes and this first time i packed for something i was terribly excited. i was packed early. the only problem, was, of course, that i was packing for something that didnt actually need packing. [i believe we were going away for the afternnoon to somewhere like an hour away or something.] i had packed this huge duffel bag full of everything that i might actually need for like a week--my toothbrush, and clothes and probably 10 books and shoes and ponytailholders and everything. i mean, i was prepared. and i was probably even packed the night before. but my parents were like "you dont need all that stuff...blahblahblah" for the whole morning but i was convinced i did, but daddy [and happy birthday by the by] wouldnt be a part of it, and he wouldnt put it in the trunk or anything so i had to stuff it at my feet and stuff so i remember being terribly squished and stuff and my sister, who had probably only brought a teddybear and a book or something, had all kinds of room. after a while, i began to see the unnecessity of all of my packing efforts and it seems as if my family was gently poking fun of it to, but maybe im making that part up. but--under no circumstances was i going to admit that i didnt need all the stuff i had worked so hard to pack. so. i began to pray and pray that our car would break down or something and we would be stranded overnight where ever we were and i would be the only one who had pajamas and my toothbrush and stuff. and then they would be sorry.
but no such luck. i was just squished.
anyway, i blame this for my resistence to packing now. or something. or maybe its genetic.
and i rarely make myself laugh when i write, but last time i was packing i write practically this whole essay on the reasons why i hate to pack, but then at the end of it i made a list of things that made me happy that day or something and on it, i put:

"my one packed box. i like to look at it. i am a good packer."

this made me laugh my head off. i am ridiculous. i am not a good packer. except! i am. my best friend used to call me a walking hyperbole and i think sometimes she called me a walking oxy-moron too. see--its the same reason why i need deadlines, but i need to be allowed to break them [i wishwishwish all my professors would tell me that the realliveactual deadline was a week before the realrealliveactual deadline. that way, i would be practically right on time. because i can do really really good work, but 1) i procrastinate, and 2) i work the best at the last minute, i think, but that is rarely enough time to do all that i want. and because im a perfectionist and that makes me take longer to do anything anyway. so i really am a good packer, but i start at the last minute and that only ever causes problems. and so i do a terrible job of it. but if i had another week or two, i really really would be like the best packer ever. its because im a perfectionist sometimes and if i want to, i can have very fantastic attention to detail. but i dont like big details. just little ones. like: i want to pack one box marvously instead of all of the boxes just fine. [it goes without saying, of course, that what i need to do is pack just fine and then just leave. but o well.]
and what else is weird is those people who need a small u-haul to move into and out of college. i dont know what on earth they bring here. its not like these rooms are that big or anything. i saw two u-hauls in the parking lot just today. i mean, i have a lot of stuff and i put most of it in my own little car all by myself and trundle on home. yeah, my car is stuffed. but i dont need a u-haul.
someone said last night that the nature of people is to leave. which is practically the saddest thing i had heard all day, maybe. and i dont know. as much as i want to believe that that isnt the case, maybe it is. goodness, i think im a stayer, though. i mostly think that i never actually want to leave anywhere. sometimes, i do, of course. but you know. and once we are friends, i want to be friends with you pretty much for forever. [except, i am so bad at longdistance friendships and for that i am unhappy with myself and sorry for. i miss faraway people muchly, too. and sometimes im bad at close up friendships. i will mostly miss closeup people too.]
so--what a contrast to people, then, that He is faithful. very hard to understand that especially when it seems that it should be just the opposite. but its not, and im not complaining.
also, let me just say that there are very few things that equal the joy of driving and listening to good music that is playing not quietly. mmmmm. lovely. things can be, you know, even though--

i dont even know what i want.
either way, now is not the time to stop feeling, just because it might hurt later. so, pack away, little pilgrim.

// but things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do / and i would gladly hit the road, get up and go, if i knew / that someday it would lead me back to you / that someday it would lead me back to you.
[maybe thats all i need?] //


Posted 5/14/2005 4:11 PM