goodness knows

: what i think i have maybe found out

i decided that i do in fact know that i know that i didnt really want the things i thought i wanted and even though i still sortof want those things a little bit i know mostly for sure [or until tomorrow] now that i dont want them forever or even ever because some things are not worth wanting period let alone forever or ever so something i only thought i wanted but really didnt want but i thought i wanted it and i know better than to want it and now i just dont want those things and this makes me want to grinsobig.

and i know that didnt make any sense.
[but not much in life makes sense. im getting used to that.]

and the irony, of course, is that if you want comfort, looking for comfort is not the way to procure that; seeking happiness is not the way to be happy; living is not the way to live. so by seeking what i want, i find only things that i really dont want. and by finding what i dont want, i will find what i do want. [probably.]

so my real shadows are still in dream stages. but maybe soon--i hope--my real shadows will be made into shadowy realness and then into a realness that is realer than they were before. and i will watch my shadows with an almost smile. or! maybe even an actual smile, which i am personally more of a fan of.
and i dont know what im talking about actually.
but i think i shall just go on and 'do the next thing' [like im always wanting to do anyway and never quite make it like i intend to, and how that quote that always runs through my head suggests]: learning, and caring even though i dont want to, and being mysterious and charming and sexy and eating donuts at two in the morning, and having wonderful times, and sleeping, and praying, and trying not to talk my head off, and doing homework, until later on. and goodness knows what will happen later on: things can always get worse.
[but after that: they can get better again. [maybe.] and then i shall be
grinningosbig all over the place]

still playing: rapid hope loss // dashboardconfessional

Posted 3/17/2005 5:38 PM