{annual derby party, etc.}

its a very difficult job to explain yourself or anything else when you dont even know whats going on either.
for example: i cant explain whats wrong with my poetry. i just know its wrong, and i cant explain that, and i dont even know exactly what it is, i just know that its wrong, even though i know its perfectly fine for everyone else. i know im being annoying and this is frusturating for everyone, and im even bothering myself probably. [its because im a perfectionist. about some things anyway. not about everything [!], goodness.]
there are other things too. but i get in poetry mode, you know. its gross. this is why i cant write when i grow up.
but i think i am ok. pretty darn sure that i am, in fact, alright. and maybe even great.
and that being said, i know im not ok. at all, probably. [im very restless. etc.etc.etc.]
[today i learned that its ok to tell God that life is sucky sometimes, or that you dont know what you are doing and stuff. that always surprises me because i think that you have to be perfect to talk to God, mostly.]
and we had a party and baked a cake [a cake!] and we had handcuffs. and i slept, but probably not enough. i watched the derby. coin silver was my horse, and she got 7th place or something i think. and we skateboarded at sonic and ate icecream and danced. and had muchly fun times. and we went to church, late of course. and naptime [threeway] and movies and skills and shower and homework and now here. and here is here.
one of these days, ill show you my progress, and it will be amazing. o man, i hope its soon. i might self-destruct or something if its not and that would not be attractive, i feel fairly certain.
but what i really hope if that this will all be worth it. i hope i am worth it, or at least, i hope that the finished version of me will be worth all of this. thats what i keep telling mysef.
i want to laugh for real. for the most part they are, but i want them to be real all the time. i love laughing for real. [i miss the smile on your face, too.]
so: i dont know. and things are weirdcrazygrossawesome. but its ok. mostly. [or it will be].


The head must bow and the back will have to bend,
Wherever the people may go;
A few more days and the trouble all will end
In the field where sugar-canes may grow;
A few more days for to tote the weary load,
No matter, 'twill never be light,
A few more days till we totter on the road,
Then my old Kentucky home, good night!

Weep no more, my lady,
Oh weep no more today!
We will sing one song for the old Kentucky home,
For the old Kentucky home far away.

Posted 5/8/2005 8:44 PM