speaking of confessions:

emily: (reads on the cover of my newly aquired mass book:) PROPERTY OF ST.
MARY'S. DO NOT REMOVE. she decides that i stole it and deserve at
least purgatory, if not hell. "julie you stole from the church. the church. the
catholic church like with capital letters.[!!!]
me: "wow, so i pretty much just "stole" from the pope himself?"
emily: "no, more like the archbishop. but the point is that you still stole from the
Catholic Church!"
me: "no, no, i didnt. cause i didnt actually steal it. its more like i flirted with the monk and
he gave it to me."

so, yes. im the proud owner of a 2005 mass/prayer/hymnal book. its blue, in case anyone was wondering.[i guess i should clarify: i didnt flirt too much, and it is the last week of the liturgical year, so they didnt need them anymore. i didnt actually know they had new mass every year, i thought it was the same for like ages and ages and ages. but whatever.] after mass was over, lori and i had to go right over to the bookstore and sit down and read "catholicism for dummies" so we could finally figure out what we just sat through. but it was terribly interesting, nevertheless, but i dont think im going to convert. pretty sure. and the boy that i found while we were actually at mass was no help whatsoever, really, except that he told us how to get blessed instead of take the eucharist, because we arent allowed to anyway. [i think im developing a knack for finding useful men, which is a useful skill: terry the mechanic, the highway boys, the free-donut-men, the state troopers at quizno's, the kroger guy [but not steve, i miss steve], the cute blond boy at mass, [protestant] church boys, the movie-fixer man, the fazoli's boy, tornado boy, the monk. its like my grandmotherly women at places, and i love them muchly too, except for they are usually confined to the grocery store. i talk to the women in the grocery store, so they dont get place names, they get food names: the butter lady, the potato lady, the bridal-shower-cake-convention [there were about 6 ladies in on that one], the crazy check-out lady, and things like that. except i do have a jewlry store girl, and the dressing room ladies[!]. these people make me happy. also: one of the funniest things straight up that my father has ever said to me was one time when my car was broken and i was worried cause i had no one to help me figure out what to do, and i was unsure about talking to the car-shop boys cause i thought they wouldnt help me. so i call dad and expressed these concerns and he said something to the effect of "julie. goodness. just go in there and look pretty and helpless and smile at the boys. they will help you." i laughed my head off about that one; i dont think things really work like that too much. maybe a smidgin, but not too much. and even if they do, fathers certainly should not be the ones to tell you to make use of it.

[ im afraid that im talking too much about catholic sorts of things lately, and i probably will keep doing it mostly, but i cant help it. Mama T. really is consuming very much of my thought time and the regular time. but its ok, cause she is precious. but catholic stuff might be talked about a lot for the next 2 weeks. it was interesting though, cause i kept thinking during mass last night about how this or that was a "very protestant thing to do," and today during church i kept thinking, "well, that was super catholic." so that was pretty weird.
and also: i promise all of this is related in my head. somehow.]

also, i dont know how babies noses work. i mean, i assume [even though you know what happens about that] they work just like everyone elses [with the exception of the gut-sucker-upper, which is what i called it cause i never knew its real name--you know, the bulb thing you stick in babies noses when they are stuffy? right, im glad grown-ups dont have those] i was holding a baby [and such a precious one!] last week and it made me happy, but i still dont want one, but i decided that all babies have the same type of little button noses. and i dont know how that even works. and ive been watching babies noses ever since then and they all have the cutest noses, but they are all just the same. but the really weird thing is that when you grow up, everyone has a different nose. like: i look just like i did when i was little. except for my nose [well, and size and weight and more hair and stuff. but otherwise, just the same]. its really confusing.

and also: its nice how when suddenly there is are holes that seem osoempty, and you are sad because you dont know how on earth you are going to be able to fill them, and they look like something out of star trek, and thast sortof depressing, and vast, and then suddenly, the holes are filled holes with new things and its just the same, and usually, in my experience its better, really [!] and if you dont think about it, you would never know the difference.
"there is a nothingness that will be filled with a new and expanding fruitfulness."

from class notes for test: "the opposite of all beauty is indifference" and "love is a force. love will flip over a table." yes, in someone's world anyway. in my world, at least today, and at this moment, both of those things are true and they make me want to eat chicken and macandcheese and peas and brownies, and pass my tests, and sleep, and write a novel and go walk around town some more. [i lovelovelove jsut walking around to different stores and looking at things and stuff like that. i would call it by its proper name--piddling-- but people made fun of me for that once. so now i just call it running around town. and it makes me osohappy. its probably one of the most relaxing things ever, because the trick is to go all the best and most interesting places, and not stay long enough to get tired.] also, i want to talk to people that i want to talk to, and make it until thanksgiving. [givethanksgive thanks].
and im kidding about the novel, but i'd settle for a poem, or a paper.
there are things worse than dying [apparently.]


[im doubtful and drowsy and ready to sleep
let the morningtime drop all of its petals on me.
life, i love you, all is groovy.
currently playing: tales from new york / simon and garfunkel]

Posted 11/20/2005 7:19 PM -