talkintoable.

i think i sound like im trying to talk myself into things, which, i am, of course, because i am talkintoable. but i want so badly to not have to talk myself into those things; i would rather for them to just already be there.

[ * this is what i very much would wish for and intend to be if i had anything to do with it:
20ish--kind, sexy, gracious, intelligent, selfless, funny [and by that, i mean able to be amused--one mustnt wish for too much you know], polished, transparent [but not obnoxiously much]
25ish--married, sexy, gracious, funny, improved cooking skills, happy job, like an editor
35ish--a few kids, patient, friendly, sexy, absolutely published by now, not obnoxiously motherish, godly, comfortable [i want to be a high-heel person who doesnt wear high heels anywhere near all the time but who could, and who you can be barefoot to talk to, if that makes sense.]
45ish--still sexy, still not obnoxiously motherish, gracious, comfortable funny, have friends, caring
65ish-- one of those halfway oldish women that you just adore--adventuresome, halirious, classy, gracious, well-read, terribly easy to talkto and ever so kind and godly. maybe a ridiculously awesome grandma too. still being published.
90ish--one of those sassy, kind, funny old people who arent grumpy. wearing really bright lipstick finally because ill have stopped worring about what looks good or not. having a terribly good and interesting time hanging out till heaven. ] alright, and still sexy.

this is, of course, aside from the list of things that doesnt change:
to be charming, sexy, a 'mysterious woman of enchanting integrity,' prayerful, ***, welcoming, etc.etc.etc.

now, what i want to know is if i should be those things on the outside, and then i will be them on the inside too, or whether i have to be those things on the inside first. if i am, say, [pick one--sexy or ***, or well-read, or conversational, or welcoming, or prayerful, gracious, funnny, comfortable or] kind to someone but i do not feel kind on the inside, should i not be kind because it is not genuine kindness, but rather my just my selfish self wishing that i actually was kind? or should i go ahead and be kind to them because its better than being mean, plusalso, the kindness might sink itself down to the inside eventually. i dont know--perhaps its some of both. at any rate i wish these things were more a part of me, something organic and real and a part of me rather than a transplanted sort of something that is at very great risk of dying for lack of sunlight, or a plant that is more likely to be plastic--that cheap plastic sort of plant that cant even pretend to be real.

[ i wonder lots of things. and i want lots of things. you know.]

currently playing: with or without you // u2

Posted 3/22/2005 1:23 AM -