'often a sweetness comes as if on loan, stays just long enough to make sense of what it means to be alive, then returns to its dark. as for me, i dont care where its been, or what bitter road it's traveled, to come so far, to taste so good.'
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last night, i probably ruined my life.
i decided to not study veryvery hard for my advertising quiz [i did study a little] and i stayed up late and talked. that was probably irresponsible [but superfun and probably good for us]. and i was going to get up and study, but i was tired, so i slept later than i wanted. and so then i didnt have as mcuh time to study as i wanted, so on my quiz i probably missed 5 extra points than i would have if i had studied for that extra hour last night.
those extra 5 points on this little bitty quiz will make the difference between my A and a B in the class. so i will get a B because i had a good conversation last night [i choose for those two hours to say that people were more important than books.]
and then after i graduate, there wont be any jobs at all in my actual area of career expertise because who knows why so i decide to look for another job, say, in advertising. after all, i really liked that class and i did alright in it. furthermore, i am highly qualified in a whole lot of other areas that would be highly valuable to any other ad agency.
they dont hire me. because i got a B.
and that probably means that i wont meet the guy im supposed to marry, because he will probably work at that particular agency, which means that we'll probably marry someone else and then etc. etc. etc. in short, my life is most likely ruined. egads.
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the last time i asked this question, bad things happened. but im going to ask it again anyway: why should i bother, exactly?
why should i spend time building relationships and having conversations if people are just going to be stupid and leave? or if im going to ruin my life by choosing people rather than books and not get a job etc. etc. etc.?
why should i bother to write if half a million people in the world are better writers than i am?
why should i bother to pray? [i am such a bad pray-er, and i know God knows all about everything without my pathetic musings and pleadings]
why should i bother to eat right, or exercise or live responsibly if it doesnt really matter because im going to die anyways--chubby or not?
why should i bother to work hard at something if its not going to be good enough?
i really want to know.
[lately for some reason i am all full of questions. i am having a terribly curious time here]
and i have the timidest hope that maybe if i choose to take those risks it will be worth the risk in the end. but maybe not. i am scared it wont be worth it in the end. but how am i to know? i suppose its a risk i am willing to take. i guess. maybe.
i want my fragile hope to stuff its face and gain 23 pounds so that the adjective 'fragile' may no longer be applied to it.
[and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out. rom5.5]
Posted 2/23/2005 2:03 PM
........................................................................................................................................
last night, i probably ruined my life.
i decided to not study veryvery hard for my advertising quiz [i did study a little] and i stayed up late and talked. that was probably irresponsible [but superfun and probably good for us]. and i was going to get up and study, but i was tired, so i slept later than i wanted. and so then i didnt have as mcuh time to study as i wanted, so on my quiz i probably missed 5 extra points than i would have if i had studied for that extra hour last night.
those extra 5 points on this little bitty quiz will make the difference between my A and a B in the class. so i will get a B because i had a good conversation last night [i choose for those two hours to say that people were more important than books.]
and then after i graduate, there wont be any jobs at all in my actual area of career expertise because who knows why so i decide to look for another job, say, in advertising. after all, i really liked that class and i did alright in it. furthermore, i am highly qualified in a whole lot of other areas that would be highly valuable to any other ad agency.
they dont hire me. because i got a B.
and that probably means that i wont meet the guy im supposed to marry, because he will probably work at that particular agency, which means that we'll probably marry someone else and then etc. etc. etc. in short, my life is most likely ruined. egads.
.....................................................................................................................................................................................
the last time i asked this question, bad things happened. but im going to ask it again anyway: why should i bother, exactly?
why should i spend time building relationships and having conversations if people are just going to be stupid and leave? or if im going to ruin my life by choosing people rather than books and not get a job etc. etc. etc.?
why should i bother to write if half a million people in the world are better writers than i am?
why should i bother to pray? [i am such a bad pray-er, and i know God knows all about everything without my pathetic musings and pleadings]
why should i bother to eat right, or exercise or live responsibly if it doesnt really matter because im going to die anyways--chubby or not?
why should i bother to work hard at something if its not going to be good enough?
i really want to know.
[lately for some reason i am all full of questions. i am having a terribly curious time here]
and i have the timidest hope that maybe if i choose to take those risks it will be worth the risk in the end. but maybe not. i am scared it wont be worth it in the end. but how am i to know? i suppose its a risk i am willing to take. i guess. maybe.
i want my fragile hope to stuff its face and gain 23 pounds so that the adjective 'fragile' may no longer be applied to it.
[and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out. rom5.5]
Posted 2/23/2005 2:03 PM
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