>> hello again // or, word vomit time <<

> i think i sound a lot more confident and put together than i actually am

> i forgot to add one goal: to stand up straight and sit properly. its harder to sit right than stand right for me, but ive been working on it.

> i dont know where the line for second chances ends; i dont know where undeserving begins. im sure it does somewhere, after all. maybe im just crazy.

> i decided that one reason i hate to pack and unpack is because it feels so final, and i do dislike finality--especially needless finality.

> things will happen, you know, for that is the nature of things. so dont give up hope for our hope is founded on something greater than circumstance. i remember, i remember. *sigh*

> in time of daffodils (who know
the goal of living is to grow)
forgetting why, remember how
in time of lilacs who proclaim
the aim of waking is to dream,
remember so (forgetting seem)
in time of roses (who amaze
our now and here with paradise)
forgetting if, remember yes
in time of all sweet things beyond
whatever mind may comprehend,
remember seek (forgetting find).... [eecummings]

> i remembered that i love kids in large groups. i am beginning to think that i really could teach, which is scary. and VBS is always my favorite thing, except for this time, its music camp, and thats even better. hurrah. and i like being in charge, and i like smelling like sunscreen for i always have to wear it and stuff or else im a burned, and i like singing at the top of my lungs crazy songs and i like craft time, too.

> i cannot--cannot!--get caught up in should-have-beens.

> i hate it when im trying to sleep and its hot and then my pillow gets hot and so i turn it over but then it gets hot too; and i especially hate how the other side gets hot faster than the first side gets cool.

> i miss things; i miss you. [and you, and you, and you....]

> i need to get my haircut, but im scared after my last traumatic experience.

> and we know that we will mess up; and we know that there is forgiveness offered, and that there are tears to be cried and laughs to be laughed. it all comes with the territory of being a 'people', baby. you cant forget any one part and still expect to have life, or real life, anyway.

> and i decided that i like to design things, but i want to have enough time to do it how i want it, otherwise it probably wont be pretty, and i probably wont like it.

> teach me how to be you and not me / show me how to grow / in strength, mind and soul / help me to be loving to everybody / give me peace of mind / i need it all the time [lucid chrysalis]

> i surprise myself at my ability to slip back into old habits.
and im resiliant, i think.

> my teddybears--papa bear in particular--have been nice to have around lately. have i mentioned about my bears? probably not, but i wont now either.

> oh, yeah. im scared, too.

> oh, bleh. i cant write anything worth beans today or for like the past week; i give up. and that is frusturating. but there are worse things, like the fact that the only icecream in the house is neopolitian, i think. who even likes that stuff anyway? why do we even have it?

ill try again tomorrow, i suppose.

Posted 6/5/2005 3:22 PM