nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Posted 12/2/2006 12:41 AM
Thursday, December 6, 2007
mysteries at hand
[this post is brought to you by the ridiculous need for me to be doing homework (PR campaign!) instead of xanga.]
i wish you all could see the poor private page of this (blog). i have the [bad?]habit of starting posts and leaving them as private until i can get back around to finishing them and also leaving notes to myself on there for things i need to remember or do or write about, and so over the last month or two, i have about 17 [or more!]posts started and never finished. i have complied some of them here for you. most of them are not even complete sentences, but alas.
==========================================================
==========================================================
the mysteries by david kirby. [this is a poem that changed my life, almost.]
__________________________________________________________________________
[ there are mysteries at hand. and heres one:
why doesnt one ever count backwards in roman numerals? ]
X. : the internet. and also, nature.
[i dont know if it is possible to put two terribly different things such as these into one
heading and thereby classify them as mysterious and leave it at that. i think its a
ridiculously awkward paring, completly opposite. but who knows, maybe it will be
like
so today, i wanted to know more about rodedendrens, so i looked it up on google, and there were only 5 entries. 5! thats not even a lot, especially for google. and i think i spelled it right, and it offered no suggestions about a different spelling. so i was perplexed. and then i thought i might look on wikipedia, even though its not technically allowed in school [although, what they dont know wont hurt them] but its summer and google had failed me [yes, my world fell apart.] and wikipedia had no information about rodedendrens! so, not only has google failed me, but the masses have failed me too. o dear.
so tomorrow, i think i might stop by the used bookstore and see if there are any flower books that have rodedendrens in them. cause im pretty sure these flowers to, in fact, exist?
and anyway, i need a flower book.
IX.
so, the other week i bought some stamps, and it was terribly exciting.
VIII.
why on earth didnt julie andrews and dick van dyke get married?! i mean, have you watched mary poppins?! my goodness. terribly sexy.
VII.
also,
parking grauges
men at work playing matchmaker
birds
i miss things.
____________________________________________________
i know people have said it before, but what the heck is the point of turning on all the new xanga privacy protection stuff? isnt the point of xanga for people to read it? how the heck are they supposed to read things if, everytime they click on a page, a message comes up that will only allow you to read this site if 1) youre invited 2) you send them a message 3) you are a catholic and born between 1979-1983 or 4) you are exceptionally the hottest thing the person has ever seen based on your profile picture and/or income.
its getting a bit ridiculous.
also, i dont want people to think im stalking them. and if youre reading, i dont think youre stalking me, either. i think that if if im reading [of if other people are], im curious about you. i am interested by you, more than likely. i want to know you, or pretend i know you. it puts a damper on finding good xangas and getting to enjoy them as thoroughly i would wish to. geh.
______________________________________________
"Plough The Rain With Her
Here's an idea
Let's grab this life and wring its neck with joy
So that when it comes time to die
When we find we have no breath left
It is because we willingly strangled ourselves
With love
Fell down dead
And mostly happy"
_______________________________________________________
doors make no promises, especially that one there, it goes outside.
a line of birds on a bridge, above the river and under the gaze of God.
_______________________________________________________
::: wishlisting :::
writing, believe in the gospel, get a job!!!, and a computer, polite. charm. clever.
_______________________________________________________
love?
________________________________________________________________________________________
there are a lot of things that i really have no concept about.
there are a lot of things that i would like to have a concept about.
i really have no idea how to go about getting concepts about things.
currently playing: relient k// two lefts dont make a right, but three do
among other things.
________________________________________________
must haves:
fresh apples, graph paper, extra fine point permanent markers, file folders, typewriters, oatmeal cream pies, borrowed books, dark chocolate m&ms, phase 10, poetry magazine, magazines in general, hand-written thank you notes, real friends, new vocab words, extra set of keys, good music[!]
_________________________________________________
i need a new job! that pays money.
i am looking.
any ideas?
_________________________________________________
"this was back in the dark ages. like the eighties."
"if its not a husband and not a kid, i can change it."
"i loved the whole story. the characters, the plot; not to mention the fact that you get to take drugs and
blow people up."
"the real world being what it is...."
"in a word or less, describe the state of the political climate at this time."
"no, i think its good that you want people to be happy about airplanes."
"here is a pick-up line that will work for men, guarenteed:
'hi, my name is {marvin}, and my two favorite things are commitment and changing myself."
_________________________________________________
odd highway numbers--north/south
even highway numbers-- east/west
_________________________________________________
things are not like i expected. !
i go back and forth between being so content and good, and absolutely discontent and wishing for something else.
i am trying to be content.
well, i am learning about being content.
actually, i am thinking learning about being content.
things are not like i expcted, but not bad, mostly.
Posted 11/11/2006 11:07 AM
i wish you all could see the poor private page of this (blog). i have the [bad?]habit of starting posts and leaving them as private until i can get back around to finishing them and also leaving notes to myself on there for things i need to remember or do or write about, and so over the last month or two, i have about 17 [or more!]posts started and never finished. i have complied some of them here for you. most of them are not even complete sentences, but alas.
==========================================================
==========================================================
the mysteries by david kirby. [this is a poem that changed my life, almost.]
__________________________________________________________________________
[ there are mysteries at hand. and heres one:
why doesnt one ever count backwards in roman numerals? ]
X. : the internet. and also, nature.
[i dont know if it is possible to put two terribly different things such as these into one
heading and thereby classify them as mysterious and leave it at that. i think its a
ridiculously awkward paring, completly opposite. but who knows, maybe it will be
like
so today, i wanted to know more about rodedendrens, so i looked it up on google, and there were only 5 entries. 5! thats not even a lot, especially for google. and i think i spelled it right, and it offered no suggestions about a different spelling. so i was perplexed. and then i thought i might look on wikipedia, even though its not technically allowed in school [although, what they dont know wont hurt them] but its summer and google had failed me [yes, my world fell apart.] and wikipedia had no information about rodedendrens! so, not only has google failed me, but the masses have failed me too. o dear.
so tomorrow, i think i might stop by the used bookstore and see if there are any flower books that have rodedendrens in them. cause im pretty sure these flowers to, in fact, exist?
and anyway, i need a flower book.
IX.
so, the other week i bought some stamps, and it was terribly exciting.
VIII.
why on earth didnt julie andrews and dick van dyke get married?! i mean, have you watched mary poppins?! my goodness. terribly sexy.
VII.
also,
parking grauges
men at work playing matchmaker
birds
i miss things.
____________________________________________________
i know people have said it before, but what the heck is the point of turning on all the new xanga privacy protection stuff? isnt the point of xanga for people to read it? how the heck are they supposed to read things if, everytime they click on a page, a message comes up that will only allow you to read this site if 1) youre invited 2) you send them a message 3) you are a catholic and born between 1979-1983 or 4) you are exceptionally the hottest thing the person has ever seen based on your profile picture and/or income.
its getting a bit ridiculous.
also, i dont want people to think im stalking them. and if youre reading, i dont think youre stalking me, either. i think that if if im reading [of if other people are], im curious about you. i am interested by you, more than likely. i want to know you, or pretend i know you. it puts a damper on finding good xangas and getting to enjoy them as thoroughly i would wish to. geh.
______________________________________________
"Plough The Rain With Her
Here's an idea
Let's grab this life and wring its neck with joy
So that when it comes time to die
When we find we have no breath left
It is because we willingly strangled ourselves
With love
Fell down dead
And mostly happy"
_______________________________________________________
doors make no promises, especially that one there, it goes outside.
a line of birds on a bridge, above the river and under the gaze of God.
_______________________________________________________
::: wishlisting :::
writing, believe in the gospel, get a job!!!, and a computer, polite. charm. clever.
_______________________________________________________
love?
________________________________________________________________________________________
there are a lot of things that i really have no concept about.
there are a lot of things that i would like to have a concept about.
i really have no idea how to go about getting concepts about things.
currently playing: relient k// two lefts dont make a right, but three do
among other things.
________________________________________________
must haves:
fresh apples, graph paper, extra fine point permanent markers, file folders, typewriters, oatmeal cream pies, borrowed books, dark chocolate m&ms, phase 10, poetry magazine, magazines in general, hand-written thank you notes, real friends, new vocab words, extra set of keys, good music[!]
_________________________________________________
i need a new job! that pays money.
i am looking.
any ideas?
_________________________________________________
"this was back in the dark ages. like the eighties."
"if its not a husband and not a kid, i can change it."
"i loved the whole story. the characters, the plot; not to mention the fact that you get to take drugs and
blow people up."
"the real world being what it is...."
"in a word or less, describe the state of the political climate at this time."
"no, i think its good that you want people to be happy about airplanes."
"here is a pick-up line that will work for men, guarenteed:
'hi, my name is {marvin}, and my two favorite things are commitment and changing myself."
_________________________________________________
odd highway numbers--north/south
even highway numbers-- east/west
_________________________________________________
things are not like i expected. !
i go back and forth between being so content and good, and absolutely discontent and wishing for something else.
i am trying to be content.
well, i am learning about being content.
actually, i am thinking learning about being content.
things are not like i expcted, but not bad, mostly.
Posted 11/11/2006 11:07 AM
[ my sentiments exactly. ]
"i still find each day too short for all the thoughts i want to think, and all the walks i want to take, all the books i want to read, [all the music i want to hear, the movies i want to watch, the problems i want to fix, the opportunities i want to pursue, the food i want to eat, the personal character i want to develop, the jobs i want to find, the things i want to write], and the friends i want to see. "
Posted 10/27/2006 4:13 AM
Posted 10/27/2006 4:13 AM
{ oh, im so scared of camels.! }
[ and im not standing here asking you to marry me. im just asking you not to marry him. and to maybe take a walk. or a chance. --john beckwith // wedding crashers. ]
so, due to unavoidable circumstances, [namely, my inability to pack anything whatsoever] i added another life experience to list. i left late on tuesday when i was coming to jackson, so i decided that i wanted to stay in a hotel cause i was getting sooo sleepy, and i thought that wasnt a good idea, maybe. so i found one that looked clean, but not too expensive or anything so i checked in and went up to my room and dumped my stuff on the bed. and i tried to turn on the tv. and it didnt work. and then i tried the lights and they didnt work. and the alarm clock didnt work, and i definately needed that, you know. so i called the front desk and said
"um, i know this is weird, but stuff in my room doesnt work."
the front desk grumpy hispanic guy: "did you turn on the lightswitch?"
me: "um, yes."
and then he explains the whole process of turning on the lights, just in case i didnt know.
and i said "well, yes, i tried that, and it didnt work."
him: well, do you really need your lights and tv?"
me: yes. i really need my lights and tv.
him: well, do you want me to come up and look at it?"
and i did, so he came and he was soo condescending, and he tried everything, but nothing worked, of course, and i laughed at his increasing perplextion about the subject. finally he decided it was the breaker, and so he fixed it and i was happy and he was glad to be leaving me, i think. heh. and then i watched wedding crashers again and fell asleep.
and then, i got to jackson, and i was running around like a chicken, which is apparently what i do in jackson, but apparently what i do everywhere, so i dont know. but there was a sign on my door that my wonderful roommates had put up and it said "welcome home, julie" and i said yes, i am home. and i was in my room. and i was with all of my friends. and i was in a town that i sortof like, even though its not even great. [maybe thats the definition of love: you sortof like it, even when its not great?] and there was great food; i probably gained like 5 pounds, but there are apparently more important things in life.
and after i was running around like a [happy] chicken, i went to BP, and it was mostly useless, but i was in nashville, and i love nashville. and i was with some people that i really like, for the most part. and i had a conversation that changed the direct focus of my life at this moment, maybe? and i was walking around the corner, and in the middle of downtown nashville and country music and motorcycles and homeless people and business people and crazy buildings and traffic, i found:
a camel.
in downtown nashville.
and he had a ring of flowers around his neck.
and he had a name: bo the camel.
and just as i walked by, a little girl ran by me, and ran in front of the camel and screamed that she was so scared of camels! ahhhhh!, and there were dogs and goats and sheep and cows and a pig and snakes everywhere, but she was worried about the camel for who knows why. all the priests and page boys were running around in magenta instead of white, and this was all happening in front of this absolutely beautiful episcopalian? [sp?] church, and the animals were going to church: it was the feast of st. francis, so they were there for a blessing. and a whole church service. and that makes sense, i suppose. i always heard that you should never turn down prayers or blessings, where ever you can get them. kindof like hugs or something. but once in a while, you just have to turn down hugs, if its sketchy enough.
i cant explain why this was a terribly important event for me. but it was. it really changed my whole weekend.
i saw a camel in nashville and life is good. or it will be good. and stuff.
i remembered that i take things too seriously when they dont necessarily need to be sooo serious. like writing. i say that if i cant do it perfectly, then clearly im not a writer, and i never will be. and also, i think that if i cant be elisabeth elliot by tomorrow or so, then why even bother reading my bible? cause clearly, im probably headed straight to hell anyway.
but no. im ridiculous. things are processes. and baby steps are o.k.a.y.
but part of the reason i think i cant write when im here, or havent been able to so far anyway, is because i just dont think im comfortable here, which is weird. cause it is home, just as much as jackson is. i have a church. and a house. and a family. and a few real friends, maybe. at least 4 of them. [well, both places are home inasmuch as i dont have a spot in either of them anymore, really. but thats okay, too. its just weird.] but anyway, the difference is this: i would wear pajamas out in public in peoria because i dont know anyone, and if i do know them [and they arent my family or a few closeish friends], i dont care enough about what they would think about me out in public in my pajamas. but i would wear my pajamas out in jackson because i do know people, and they've lived with me and they know me and, as far as i can tell, they still dont mind with me.
and i think thats a big part of why i have had a hard time getting words on a page: its amazing what feeling loved and cared about does for a person. [however, i was not prepared for how hard this could be, both ways, mind you.] and i always feel so see-through-able: i feel like everyone can tell when im feeling ridiculous or dumb or something, even though they probably arent really able to cause people dont pay that much attention. but just knowing that you are cared for regardless is quite something. and i think that when i can believe that about myself in this town, then it might feel differently for me. but im just guessing now.
also, when i was driving home from home, i picked some cotton.!
if i am having a quarter life crisis [and im not sure that i am, but i might be], and im only 22, is that a sign that i will only live until im 88? if ive only got until im 88, then my heavens. the distance between 88 and 100 suddently seems very big, even though its only 12 years.
there are big decisions to make. and things to worry about. and adventures to have. and things to do!
i want to love.
i am learning that you cant just not do something because you dont know its not foolproof.
i could start quoting garden state to you all, you know the part: "it's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place." and im not sure if i agree with that completly, or even mostly, but i do know this:
there is nowhere that i feel at home anymore, really, but i do feel at home with you.
currently playing: take it easy // the eagles
Posted 10/10/2006 10:53 AM
so, due to unavoidable circumstances, [namely, my inability to pack anything whatsoever] i added another life experience to list. i left late on tuesday when i was coming to jackson, so i decided that i wanted to stay in a hotel cause i was getting sooo sleepy, and i thought that wasnt a good idea, maybe. so i found one that looked clean, but not too expensive or anything so i checked in and went up to my room and dumped my stuff on the bed. and i tried to turn on the tv. and it didnt work. and then i tried the lights and they didnt work. and the alarm clock didnt work, and i definately needed that, you know. so i called the front desk and said
"um, i know this is weird, but stuff in my room doesnt work."
the front desk grumpy hispanic guy: "did you turn on the lightswitch?"
me: "um, yes."
and then he explains the whole process of turning on the lights, just in case i didnt know.
and i said "well, yes, i tried that, and it didnt work."
him: well, do you really need your lights and tv?"
me: yes. i really need my lights and tv.
him: well, do you want me to come up and look at it?"
and i did, so he came and he was soo condescending, and he tried everything, but nothing worked, of course, and i laughed at his increasing perplextion about the subject. finally he decided it was the breaker, and so he fixed it and i was happy and he was glad to be leaving me, i think. heh. and then i watched wedding crashers again and fell asleep.
and then, i got to jackson, and i was running around like a chicken, which is apparently what i do in jackson, but apparently what i do everywhere, so i dont know. but there was a sign on my door that my wonderful roommates had put up and it said "welcome home, julie" and i said yes, i am home. and i was in my room. and i was with all of my friends. and i was in a town that i sortof like, even though its not even great. [maybe thats the definition of love: you sortof like it, even when its not great?] and there was great food; i probably gained like 5 pounds, but there are apparently more important things in life.
and after i was running around like a [happy] chicken, i went to BP, and it was mostly useless, but i was in nashville, and i love nashville. and i was with some people that i really like, for the most part. and i had a conversation that changed the direct focus of my life at this moment, maybe? and i was walking around the corner, and in the middle of downtown nashville and country music and motorcycles and homeless people and business people and crazy buildings and traffic, i found:
a camel.
in downtown nashville.
and he had a ring of flowers around his neck.
and he had a name: bo the camel.
and just as i walked by, a little girl ran by me, and ran in front of the camel and screamed that she was so scared of camels! ahhhhh!, and there were dogs and goats and sheep and cows and a pig and snakes everywhere, but she was worried about the camel for who knows why. all the priests and page boys were running around in magenta instead of white, and this was all happening in front of this absolutely beautiful episcopalian? [sp?] church, and the animals were going to church: it was the feast of st. francis, so they were there for a blessing. and a whole church service. and that makes sense, i suppose. i always heard that you should never turn down prayers or blessings, where ever you can get them. kindof like hugs or something. but once in a while, you just have to turn down hugs, if its sketchy enough.
i cant explain why this was a terribly important event for me. but it was. it really changed my whole weekend.
i saw a camel in nashville and life is good. or it will be good. and stuff.
i remembered that i take things too seriously when they dont necessarily need to be sooo serious. like writing. i say that if i cant do it perfectly, then clearly im not a writer, and i never will be. and also, i think that if i cant be elisabeth elliot by tomorrow or so, then why even bother reading my bible? cause clearly, im probably headed straight to hell anyway.
but no. im ridiculous. things are processes. and baby steps are o.k.a.y.
but part of the reason i think i cant write when im here, or havent been able to so far anyway, is because i just dont think im comfortable here, which is weird. cause it is home, just as much as jackson is. i have a church. and a house. and a family. and a few real friends, maybe. at least 4 of them. [well, both places are home inasmuch as i dont have a spot in either of them anymore, really. but thats okay, too. its just weird.] but anyway, the difference is this: i would wear pajamas out in public in peoria because i dont know anyone, and if i do know them [and they arent my family or a few closeish friends], i dont care enough about what they would think about me out in public in my pajamas. but i would wear my pajamas out in jackson because i do know people, and they've lived with me and they know me and, as far as i can tell, they still dont mind with me.
and i think thats a big part of why i have had a hard time getting words on a page: its amazing what feeling loved and cared about does for a person. [however, i was not prepared for how hard this could be, both ways, mind you.] and i always feel so see-through-able: i feel like everyone can tell when im feeling ridiculous or dumb or something, even though they probably arent really able to cause people dont pay that much attention. but just knowing that you are cared for regardless is quite something. and i think that when i can believe that about myself in this town, then it might feel differently for me. but im just guessing now.
also, when i was driving home from home, i picked some cotton.!
if i am having a quarter life crisis [and im not sure that i am, but i might be], and im only 22, is that a sign that i will only live until im 88? if ive only got until im 88, then my heavens. the distance between 88 and 100 suddently seems very big, even though its only 12 years.
there are big decisions to make. and things to worry about. and adventures to have. and things to do!
i want to love.
i am learning that you cant just not do something because you dont know its not foolproof.
i could start quoting garden state to you all, you know the part: "it's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place." and im not sure if i agree with that completly, or even mostly, but i do know this:
there is nowhere that i feel at home anymore, really, but i do feel at home with you.
currently playing: take it easy // the eagles
Posted 10/10/2006 10:53 AM
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
{{ two things: }}
the first:
there is something about fall that makes me want to listen to simon and garfunkel. im not sure what it is about them: they're just perfect for the weather and the everything, you know? i cant really think of an occassion for which they would not be the perfect soundtrack: theyre honest, and sexy and depressing and curious and so happy and they just make you want to sing along. its weird how music reminds me so much of some things. i was digging through the cds last week to find the S&G and i found a few cds that i just remembered being so good, and i said hey, i should listen to those. but i did, and they just reminded me so much of places where i am not and feelings and situations that are not the feelings and situations of the moment, that even though its good music, i just had no desire to listen to it. bleh. but then, i found the S&G and then i found fall out boy [and the killers, and jimmy eat world and the shins and weezer and stuff] and my cd player and i have had a very happy week. thats fall music if ive ever heard it. and its happy.
there are so many freaking squirrels in my yard at any one time, that i wouldnt even feel bad about running over some of them. normally i would, but its just getting ridiculous. and also, the other day, i thought i saw a mouse when i was walking into my house. and i admit: i screamed. because, i am terribly, ridiculously afraid of mice, and if it actually had been a mouse, i would have actually moved out of my house. the end. but it turned out to just be a chipmunk, so i am still living in my house.
i was thinking about hands the other day, because i really like hands. hands are important, and i like people with good hands and i want to have good hands myself. but theres this girl in my class and she has those kind of manicured nails that are really long and fancy and each nail has some crazily intricate design on it. and i just really dont understand the practicality of this. ooh, and get this: the really crazy ones plan for their nails to match what they will be wearing and things. and i just have issues with that. i mean, who the freaking heck is coordinated enough to tell the manicurist what to do to you nails so they match what you will wear 6 days from now? [unless its specified dress, like a wedding where you already know these kinds of things.] goodness, im lucky if i know what im wearing when i walk out the door. but anyway, so these women have these crazy long designed on the nails and then they cant move or write or type or clean or touch anything except for their lipliner and figi water. and why on earth would you pay that much to not be able to move your hands that much.
and i dont know, it may just be that ive never had a really good manicure and so i dont know quite what im missing, but i still think that the women have the most beautiful hands when they are normal looking, but pretty and well-cared for, you know? same with boys. good boy hands are ones that are strong, and used for things and stuff. not that idle hands are a devils playground, exactly, but something.
i still maintain the opinion that balance is terribly important, but im often finding that a hard line to find. there are so many things that seem like complete opposites:
contentment v. living a full life
doing whats right v. doing whats fun
idealistic things v. realistic things
fashion v. comfort
being loved v. serving
i dont know how to balance these things. and other things too, but i forget what they are. i guess thats the beauty of english-majoring: at least i can give them a nameso i know what exactly it is that im dealing with but i dont know how to make it all true, any more than it already is.
im finding out that a lot of things are not only an exercises in loving people, but also there are many exercises in being loved. and that is harder than it seems, sometimes.
sometimes, i wish that i could be a conglomeration of everyone i like. and sometimes i wish you were a different conglomeration of everyone else i like, too. but no. we are who we are, and its dumb to ask for different.
the gospel is real [surprisingly enough, i think.]
tonight i learned to read a different language. it was a modified arabic script.
this is what i learned to read:
my tie.
i tie my tie.
i might tie my tie.
i might tie my tie too tight.
i dont think im good at learning to read in completely foreign languages. i kept using my english and i was just repeating in my head over and again while i was learning it: see dick. see dick and jane. see dick and jane run. see dick and jane run fast. but either way, it was pretty weird.
also, the other day i think i found something that i might want to do with my life [for a while] and things. its the first thing that has caught my interest in forever, so im kindof excited about it, but maybe ill be horrible at it. and ive been assured that its hard. so i dont know. but maybe.! details to come when i have more details to give.
also, im coming to jackson in like a week or something., so if youre there still, we should hang out. im not actually planning on sleeping when im there, so i have time to 1) see everyone i want to see and 2) eat everywhere i want to eat. it will be fun.
so much to say.
also, there are some new darkchocolate m&ms available that are simply exquisite, as far as m&ms go. they come highly reccommended by me. i think im addicted.
and: the second.
i dont actually know whats going on here. but thats not a surprise, i think.
currently playing: simon and garfunkel // tales from new york
Posted 9/25/2006 9:48 PM -
there is something about fall that makes me want to listen to simon and garfunkel. im not sure what it is about them: they're just perfect for the weather and the everything, you know? i cant really think of an occassion for which they would not be the perfect soundtrack: theyre honest, and sexy and depressing and curious and so happy and they just make you want to sing along. its weird how music reminds me so much of some things. i was digging through the cds last week to find the S&G and i found a few cds that i just remembered being so good, and i said hey, i should listen to those. but i did, and they just reminded me so much of places where i am not and feelings and situations that are not the feelings and situations of the moment, that even though its good music, i just had no desire to listen to it. bleh. but then, i found the S&G and then i found fall out boy [and the killers, and jimmy eat world and the shins and weezer and stuff] and my cd player and i have had a very happy week. thats fall music if ive ever heard it. and its happy.
there are so many freaking squirrels in my yard at any one time, that i wouldnt even feel bad about running over some of them. normally i would, but its just getting ridiculous. and also, the other day, i thought i saw a mouse when i was walking into my house. and i admit: i screamed. because, i am terribly, ridiculously afraid of mice, and if it actually had been a mouse, i would have actually moved out of my house. the end. but it turned out to just be a chipmunk, so i am still living in my house.
i was thinking about hands the other day, because i really like hands. hands are important, and i like people with good hands and i want to have good hands myself. but theres this girl in my class and she has those kind of manicured nails that are really long and fancy and each nail has some crazily intricate design on it. and i just really dont understand the practicality of this. ooh, and get this: the really crazy ones plan for their nails to match what they will be wearing and things. and i just have issues with that. i mean, who the freaking heck is coordinated enough to tell the manicurist what to do to you nails so they match what you will wear 6 days from now? [unless its specified dress, like a wedding where you already know these kinds of things.] goodness, im lucky if i know what im wearing when i walk out the door. but anyway, so these women have these crazy long designed on the nails and then they cant move or write or type or clean or touch anything except for their lipliner and figi water. and why on earth would you pay that much to not be able to move your hands that much.
and i dont know, it may just be that ive never had a really good manicure and so i dont know quite what im missing, but i still think that the women have the most beautiful hands when they are normal looking, but pretty and well-cared for, you know? same with boys. good boy hands are ones that are strong, and used for things and stuff. not that idle hands are a devils playground, exactly, but something.
i still maintain the opinion that balance is terribly important, but im often finding that a hard line to find. there are so many things that seem like complete opposites:
contentment v. living a full life
doing whats right v. doing whats fun
idealistic things v. realistic things
fashion v. comfort
being loved v. serving
i dont know how to balance these things. and other things too, but i forget what they are. i guess thats the beauty of english-majoring: at least i can give them a name
im finding out that a lot of things are not only an exercises in loving people, but also there are many exercises in being loved. and that is harder than it seems, sometimes.
sometimes, i wish that i could be a conglomeration of everyone i like. and sometimes i wish you were a different conglomeration of everyone else i like, too. but no. we are who we are, and its dumb to ask for different.
the gospel is real [surprisingly enough, i think.]
tonight i learned to read a different language. it was a modified arabic script.
this is what i learned to read:
my tie.
i tie my tie.
i might tie my tie.
i might tie my tie too tight.
i dont think im good at learning to read in completely foreign languages. i kept using my english and i was just repeating in my head over and again while i was learning it: see dick. see dick and jane. see dick and jane run. see dick and jane run fast. but either way, it was pretty weird.
also, the other day i think i found something that i might want to do with my life [for a while] and things. its the first thing that has caught my interest in forever, so im kindof excited about it, but maybe ill be horrible at it. and ive been assured that its hard. so i dont know. but maybe.! details to come when i have more details to give.
also, im coming to jackson in like a week or something., so if youre there still, we should hang out. im not actually planning on sleeping when im there, so i have time to 1) see everyone i want to see and 2) eat everywhere i want to eat. it will be fun.
so much to say.
also, there are some new darkchocolate m&ms available that are simply exquisite, as far as m&ms go. they come highly reccommended by me. i think im addicted.
and: the second.
i dont actually know whats going on here. but thats not a surprise, i think.
currently playing: simon and garfunkel // tales from new york
Posted 9/25/2006 9:48 PM -
everyone knows:
everyone knows
that a good poem is about the images.
and a good reading is dependent on the selection.
and a memorable wedding about the details.
and a good drive, or a bad dance, is about the music.
and a non-repulsive christianity is about the grace.
and that a room can be saved by the pillows or fresh paint.
and stars are prettier with wishes.
and friends are better with conversation.
and jeans can be salvaged by an awesome belt.
and a bad dessert, if those exist, may be rescued by chocolate, which to my knowledge, is virtually unmessupable.
and ugly feet are hidden by great shoes.
and wrinkles removed by downy wrinkle releaser, which is the best stuff.
but what about everything else?something about scotch tape and fishing line comes to mind, but im not really sure about that. neither is my fish. well, hes not really my fish, but i feed him and he likes me.if someone fed me, i would like them too.come to think of it, my copy of one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish seems to be missing. its mostly my favorite of dr. seuss, i think. although its a close race. i should write more, somehow, maybe? bleh.some things need to be full. like stomachs and gas tanks and cookie jars. and life. i dont think scotch tape can help with that, either. there are some things i dont know. but also, if i knew, it would be scary. question: should you learn from the mistakes of others, or make your own nice little pile to learn from? and also: what is a full life dependent on? and how do you get those things? i should get my own fish. i would keep him alive. and altogether we would wish. a wishing party!
so, if you wish to wish a wish, you may swish for fishwith my ish wish dish.from there to herefrom here to therefunny things are everywhere.
and that is all for today.
Posted 9/13/2006 6:17 PM
that a good poem is about the images.
and a good reading is dependent on the selection.
and a memorable wedding about the details.
and a good drive, or a bad dance, is about the music.
and a non-repulsive christianity is about the grace.
and that a room can be saved by the pillows or fresh paint.
and stars are prettier with wishes.
and friends are better with conversation.
and jeans can be salvaged by an awesome belt.
and a bad dessert, if those exist, may be rescued by chocolate, which to my knowledge, is virtually unmessupable.
and ugly feet are hidden by great shoes.
and wrinkles removed by downy wrinkle releaser, which is the best stuff.
but what about everything else?something about scotch tape and fishing line comes to mind, but im not really sure about that. neither is my fish. well, hes not really my fish, but i feed him and he likes me.if someone fed me, i would like them too.come to think of it, my copy of one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish seems to be missing. its mostly my favorite of dr. seuss, i think. although its a close race. i should write more, somehow, maybe? bleh.some things need to be full. like stomachs and gas tanks and cookie jars. and life. i dont think scotch tape can help with that, either. there are some things i dont know. but also, if i knew, it would be scary. question: should you learn from the mistakes of others, or make your own nice little pile to learn from? and also: what is a full life dependent on? and how do you get those things? i should get my own fish. i would keep him alive. and altogether we would wish. a wishing party!
so, if you wish to wish a wish, you may swish for fishwith my ish wish dish.from there to herefrom here to therefunny things are everywhere.
and that is all for today.
Posted 9/13/2006 6:17 PM
{ THE HOW THINGS HAVE BEEN LATELY [IN SUMMARY] UPDATE [EVEN THOUGH ITS BORING] }
I. THE SCHEDULE
work
class
sleep
work
work
sleep
[ hang out? ]
[ errands ?? ]
II. THE BOOKLIST
domino magazine
lucky magazine
poetry magazine
delights and shadows // ted kooser
colossians
only human: christian reflections on the journey toward wholeness // david p. gushee
the practice of public relations [9th edition] // fraser p. seitel
spoken soul: the story of black english // john russell rickford & russell john rickford
love in the time of cholera // gabriel garcia marquez
until i find you // john irving
III. THE WEATHER
mostly cloudy-partly sunny. rainyish. everyday.
the long sleeve / short sleeve debate takes place pretty much every day.
IV. THE SOUNDTRACK
every other time // LFO
it'll all work out // tom petty & the heartbreakers
when you were young // the killers
by my side // ben harper
all my days // alexi murdoch
the sound of settling // death cab for cutie
be still my heart // postal service
hey ya! // outkast
st. elsewhere // gnarls barkley
sunny road // emiliana torrini
this side // nickel creek
sugar blue // jeff finlin
V. THE MENU
some [grossish] chinese food
mac & cheese
peas
cereal, and, of course, milk
chips and salsa
pizza
grapes
cajun chicken sandwich
brownies
waffles
VI. THE QUESTIONS
why is it that even when im in an elevator by myself, i still stand near the back?
grad school, or no?
does whats right depend on our circumstances?
how does one know what they want?
who was the first person with a last name?
how do we access the more in the middle of normal?
apple or dell?
and also, who on earth came up with the sizes for frames?!
do policepersons get tired of going slow because [obviously] everyone slows down around
them? i mean, what if they're running late?
what on earth inspired the color palette for the 70s and 80s?
why isnt there a punk-ish version of moon river? [i need one desperately.]
VII. THE THINGS-TO-REMEMBER
trust the chefs.
learn to pin boutonnieres
get some superhero stamps
[eventually] watch top movies of all time
and read more! and listen to music
try on dresses before you buy them
small things matter
be an excellent mingler [especially with important people]
fear may not be a good disqualifier
if all else fails, put a gnome in the front yard
the guys name was not actually archie palmer
patience has not ceased to be a virtue
there are opportunities
you cant fake the vibe
keep it up, homegirl, dont you quit
one day at a time.
VIII. THE YES-EXACTLY
... I say, Here' the deal: I'm going
to get in the car and drive.
I'm sick of my own cruel
self-pity and chronic indecision.
I'm going out to find the
rhythm of the ocean.
If I wake up years from now
with you lying next to me,
let that be the answer
to your question.
Posted 9/6/2006 1:25 AM -
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
{ its never what you think. }
i know a guy who stabbed his uncle. a murderer, if you will.
[thankfully,?] i dont know him too well, but i have shaken his hand and worked with him on a handful of nights and had conversations with him. he also has gotten fired in the past week, for reasons having nothing to do with murdering anyone, insofar as i know.
also, i know several alcoholics, and a drug addict, gamblers, cleptomaniacs. i know several people who never managed to graduate from highschool, or even get their GED, and girls my age who have three or more kids, are pregnant again and may or may not be married. and these are just the things i know about the people i know about. and i dont know about everyone.
sometimes, this is rather shocking for my little-girl sensibilities. just the fact that i know a guy that stabbed his uncle.! to death! i mean, my gosh. his name is jerome. he has a girlfriend and an apartment and is rather fond of the bling-bling. hes pretty short [5'4'', maybe] and always ready to go home at night--hes not one who would stick around for an extra 5 minutes to wash that last set of plates. he rides a bike all the time. hes a little hard to understand [again, that lack of teeth thing. all these men at work keep trying to set me up either with themselves or with their friends. its practically baptist college material--they are so insanely worried about the fact that im not living with someone. but i just keep telling them that im not going to date anyone without teeth. and you would be surprised at who that rules out. so far its proven to be very effective.] anyway. its hard for me to believe.
ive been so, so thankful for perkins this summer. really, i have. and that sounds funny for me to even say, because i didnt even like perkins one little bit. it was a little less scary there, which sounds funny to say. but there i learned how to control facial expressions and not blush, for the most part. i still blush sometimes, like the other day they were having a discussion about which stripclubs were the best, and i blushed a lot, or so im told, but im really getting so much better. i still dont know what to say, but at least they might not know that.
but its becoming clearer and clearer that there is nothing so--awful and destructive as half-way christianity, and nothing so beautiful as the real kind.
the real kind is hard.
im not sure i have to be strong enough for it though, so thats the good news.
but i still feel like im missing something.
but i dont know what it is.
and i think i learned why it is that it bothers me so much when people think they are better than other people. because the more time i spend with them, the more it surprises me to find how much we have in common, and how much we are alike. this is scary and humbling and relieving. for anyone, then, to think that they are somehow better than someone else 1) is remarkably arrogant and 2) remarkably ignorant.
theres more to why i dont like it, like because all men are created equal, and we all recieve grace on a daily basis, but i cant really figure out how to explain it any better besides that.
------------------------
also:
im not dead. ive been working like crazy!
i think i get to graduate from college! and ninehundred peoples change in schedule will be justified, thank heavens!
i will get my new car next week. i dont know what to name it yet, though. ?
i miss my other car [lewis. [louis? i never spelled it, i just said it, so im not sure which is right.] i cried a little when i said goodbye to it. theres just something about that car that got along with me.
i think im an either all or nothing kind of girl. but if its all, i dont want it all at once, you know? i like to spead things out.
sometimes, i really am surprised how much icecream and hugs can help things. and toast.
i learned to write/translate binary. kindof.
im tired of work. really, really tired of it. but i dont know what i want instead.
the world is a curious place. and i have questions about it. i like finding answers to my questions, and i like people who have answers to my questions.
i never know what i want. and i dont know how to know what i want.
and perfect people are really obnoxious.
i remembered tonight that i need to learn my constellations. and probably how to spell them too. i bought a book about stars by h.a. rey, who wrote curious george and its a happy book, but i havent really learned anything from it yet.
its never what you think.
so much i want to learn and see and do! feels like i wont ever get there. i feel stuck, maybe.
i think of so many things to say everyday, but i forget them. and theres so much to share.
i need to write so much, but i think i will start here, and not fuss at myself [very much.] it will come. hopefully.
and there is more. but not now.
and i want some waffle house so muchly. so, so muchly.
we pass just close enough to touch
i wont sleep if you wont sleep
cause tonight might be the last chance that we're given
guilty pleasure: dashboard confessional // dusk and summer
Posted 8/18/2006 12:25 AM
[thankfully,?] i dont know him too well, but i have shaken his hand and worked with him on a handful of nights and had conversations with him. he also has gotten fired in the past week, for reasons having nothing to do with murdering anyone, insofar as i know.
also, i know several alcoholics, and a drug addict, gamblers, cleptomaniacs. i know several people who never managed to graduate from highschool, or even get their GED, and girls my age who have three or more kids, are pregnant again and may or may not be married. and these are just the things i know about the people i know about. and i dont know about everyone.
sometimes, this is rather shocking for my little-girl sensibilities. just the fact that i know a guy that stabbed his uncle.! to death! i mean, my gosh. his name is jerome. he has a girlfriend and an apartment and is rather fond of the bling-bling. hes pretty short [5'4'', maybe] and always ready to go home at night--hes not one who would stick around for an extra 5 minutes to wash that last set of plates. he rides a bike all the time. hes a little hard to understand [again, that lack of teeth thing. all these men at work keep trying to set me up either with themselves or with their friends. its practically baptist college material--they are so insanely worried about the fact that im not living with someone. but i just keep telling them that im not going to date anyone without teeth. and you would be surprised at who that rules out. so far its proven to be very effective.] anyway. its hard for me to believe.
ive been so, so thankful for perkins this summer. really, i have. and that sounds funny for me to even say, because i didnt even like perkins one little bit. it was a little less scary there, which sounds funny to say. but there i learned how to control facial expressions and not blush, for the most part. i still blush sometimes, like the other day they were having a discussion about which stripclubs were the best, and i blushed a lot, or so im told, but im really getting so much better. i still dont know what to say, but at least they might not know that.
but its becoming clearer and clearer that there is nothing so--awful and destructive as half-way christianity, and nothing so beautiful as the real kind.
the real kind is hard.
im not sure i have to be strong enough for it though, so thats the good news.
but i still feel like im missing something.
but i dont know what it is.
and i think i learned why it is that it bothers me so much when people think they are better than other people. because the more time i spend with them, the more it surprises me to find how much we have in common, and how much we are alike. this is scary and humbling and relieving. for anyone, then, to think that they are somehow better than someone else 1) is remarkably arrogant and 2) remarkably ignorant.
theres more to why i dont like it, like because all men are created equal, and we all recieve grace on a daily basis, but i cant really figure out how to explain it any better besides that.
------------------------
also:
im not dead. ive been working like crazy!
i think i get to graduate from college! and ninehundred peoples change in schedule will be justified, thank heavens!
i will get my new car next week. i dont know what to name it yet, though. ?
i miss my other car [lewis. [louis? i never spelled it, i just said it, so im not sure which is right.] i cried a little when i said goodbye to it. theres just something about that car that got along with me.
i think im an either all or nothing kind of girl. but if its all, i dont want it all at once, you know? i like to spead things out.
sometimes, i really am surprised how much icecream and hugs can help things. and toast.
i learned to write/translate binary. kindof.
im tired of work. really, really tired of it. but i dont know what i want instead.
the world is a curious place. and i have questions about it. i like finding answers to my questions, and i like people who have answers to my questions.
i never know what i want. and i dont know how to know what i want.
and perfect people are really obnoxious.
i remembered tonight that i need to learn my constellations. and probably how to spell them too. i bought a book about stars by h.a. rey, who wrote curious george and its a happy book, but i havent really learned anything from it yet.
its never what you think.
so much i want to learn and see and do! feels like i wont ever get there. i feel stuck, maybe.
i think of so many things to say everyday, but i forget them. and theres so much to share.
i need to write so much, but i think i will start here, and not fuss at myself [very much.] it will come. hopefully.
and there is more. but not now.
and i want some waffle house so muchly. so, so muchly.
we pass just close enough to touch
i wont sleep if you wont sleep
cause tonight might be the last chance that we're given
guilty pleasure: dashboard confessional // dusk and summer
Posted 8/18/2006 12:25 AM
[{ conversations }]
I
me: so, do you guys actually have to walk on seperate sidewalks down there?
him #4: um, no.
me: so, you do talk to girls sometimes?
him: well, usually i study.
me: do you have to wear a tie all the time?
him: no, just in the morning and at dinner.
me: do you even have any jeans?
him: no, they're uncomfortable. i dont like them.
me: do you have curfew and lights out and bed checks?
him: well, yeah.
her#5: aw, do you wear jammies to night-night time?
him: actually, i sleep in the nude.
II
him #5: so, hows it going?
me: oh, pretty good. i'm lost and stuff. you know.
him: lost? where?
me: kalamazoo.
him: kalamazoo?
me: yes.
him: kalamazoo. kalamazoo, michigan?
me: yes, thats the one, rand.
III
me: "come on! lets go out on the town! live it up! have some fun!"
her#1: "its tuesday night. where are we going to go?"
me: "i already told you. now get ready!"
her: "mcdonalds?"
me: "yeah!"
IV
him#1: some people say "right person, right time"
him: but i think i'd probably just miss them and then be alone foerever.
me: is this scary?
me: im scared of not finding that one person, a little bit
him: yes, me too
him: im terrified of being alone
me: but which is worse: alone or not alone, but throwing up?
me: id have to say the throwing up
V
me: "GAH! there are just some things they dont teach you in college! i want a refund! i
mean, they didnt even teach me how to write a menu, or whether Ranch and Swiss
cheese are supposed to be capitalized all the time!"
her#3: "of course, Swiss Cheese is capitalized, its the name of a country."
VI
him: "right, so my grandma had this little chihuahua"
her#4: "oh what kind of dog was it?"
him: "well, this little chihuahua"
her: "was it a basset hound? a great dane? a poodle? a dalmation?"
him: "no, a little chihuahua"
her: "a mutt? a dachshund? a lab? a schnauzer?"
him: "no, a chihuahua. like the taco bell dog."
her: " was it a yorkshire terrier? golden retriever? german shepherd?"
him: "no. a chihuahua. c-h-i-h-u-a-h-u-a."
her: "was it a chihuahua?"
him: "how'd you know?"
VII
him#2: i need to find someone whose opinions i trust.
me: well, here i am.
him: no, its like a rule that men cant get opinions from women.
me: are you kidding?
him: no, gosh. of course you cant get opinions about important things from women. ask
your dad.
me: hey, dad. he wants to know whether men are supposed to get opinions from women.
daddy and mumma [who was also standing right there]: *laugh for like 5 minutes at boy.*
daddy, finally: this is what this poor, ignorant young man needs to know: women always
have opinions, and they will always give them.
VIII
him: so, what do you say? will you marry me or not?
her#6: well, i dont know. did you have braces?
him: well...yeah...[ smiles to show her that his smile is sexy thanks to said orthodontia]
her: i did too. that settles it. we cant get married.
him: what?! why not?!?!!?!
her: well, you arent very rich, are you?
him: no...but i have a job, and--
her: im poor too, and think about all the money we will save by not having to get our
childrens braces.
IX
me: what on earth is a quadrillion? will you show me?
him#3: do i have to write it totally out?
me: well, how else will can you show me? scientific notation doesnt even count.
...
me: what on earth are you writing out all those zeros for? havent you ever heard of scientific notation?
him: i dont know, just for kicks and giggles. or, maybe because someone told me i had to.
X
her#2: right, i started using abbreviations when i would text my last boyfriend
me: really? cause i still mostly use real words and correct punctuation when i text
her: no, it was mostly when we were fighting and i figured he wasnt worth the whole d---
word. man. boys are stupid. s---, man.
me: hopefully not all boys are completely stupid.
her: i dont have time for a boyfriend right now anyway. theres too much i want to do
right now. life is too f---ing short, you know? you just never know when youre
gonna go. life is just too d--- short.
XI
me: oh, no. im so scared of being buried alive now.
him#3: dont be scared. if i found out that you were buried alive, i would come and dig
you out.
me: really? aww. what would i do without you?
him: die? oh, but be sure and leave a sign so i know where youre buried. i dont want to
be doing any extra work. its too hot outside for that kind of thing.
Posted 7/31/2006 3:28 PM
me: so, do you guys actually have to walk on seperate sidewalks down there?
him #4: um, no.
me: so, you do talk to girls sometimes?
him: well, usually i study.
me: do you have to wear a tie all the time?
him: no, just in the morning and at dinner.
me: do you even have any jeans?
him: no, they're uncomfortable. i dont like them.
me: do you have curfew and lights out and bed checks?
him: well, yeah.
her#5: aw, do you wear jammies to night-night time?
him: actually, i sleep in the nude.
II
him #5: so, hows it going?
me: oh, pretty good. i'm lost and stuff. you know.
him: lost? where?
me: kalamazoo.
him: kalamazoo?
me: yes.
him: kalamazoo. kalamazoo, michigan?
me: yes, thats the one, rand.
III
me: "come on! lets go out on the town! live it up! have some fun!"
her#1: "its tuesday night. where are we going to go?"
me: "i already told you. now get ready!"
her: "mcdonalds?"
me: "yeah!"
IV
him#1: some people say "right person, right time"
him: but i think i'd probably just miss them and then be alone foerever.
me: is this scary?
me: im scared of not finding that one person, a little bit
him: yes, me too
him: im terrified of being alone
me: but which is worse: alone or not alone, but throwing up?
me: id have to say the throwing up
V
me: "GAH! there are just some things they dont teach you in college! i want a refund! i
mean, they didnt even teach me how to write a menu, or whether Ranch and Swiss
cheese are supposed to be capitalized all the time!"
her#3: "of course, Swiss Cheese is capitalized, its the name of a country."
VI
him: "right, so my grandma had this little chihuahua"
her#4: "oh what kind of dog was it?"
him: "well, this little chihuahua"
her: "was it a basset hound? a great dane? a poodle? a dalmation?"
him: "no, a little chihuahua"
her: "a mutt? a dachshund? a lab? a schnauzer?"
him: "no, a chihuahua. like the taco bell dog."
her: " was it a yorkshire terrier? golden retriever? german shepherd?"
him: "no. a chihuahua. c-h-i-h-u-a-h-u-a."
her: "was it a chihuahua?"
him: "how'd you know?"
VII
him#2: i need to find someone whose opinions i trust.
me: well, here i am.
him: no, its like a rule that men cant get opinions from women.
me: are you kidding?
him: no, gosh. of course you cant get opinions about important things from women. ask
your dad.
me: hey, dad. he wants to know whether men are supposed to get opinions from women.
daddy and mumma [who was also standing right there]: *laugh for like 5 minutes at boy.*
daddy, finally: this is what this poor, ignorant young man needs to know: women always
have opinions, and they will always give them.
VIII
him: so, what do you say? will you marry me or not?
her#6: well, i dont know. did you have braces?
him: well...yeah...[ smiles to show her that his smile is sexy thanks to said orthodontia]
her: i did too. that settles it. we cant get married.
him: what?! why not?!?!!?!
her: well, you arent very rich, are you?
him: no...but i have a job, and--
her: im poor too, and think about all the money we will save by not having to get our
childrens braces.
IX
me: what on earth is a quadrillion? will you show me?
him#3: do i have to write it totally out?
me: well, how else will can you show me? scientific notation doesnt even count.
...
me: what on earth are you writing out all those zeros for? havent you ever heard of scientific notation?
him: i dont know, just for kicks and giggles. or, maybe because someone told me i had to.
X
her#2: right, i started using abbreviations when i would text my last boyfriend
me: really? cause i still mostly use real words and correct punctuation when i text
her: no, it was mostly when we were fighting and i figured he wasnt worth the whole d---
word. man. boys are stupid. s---, man.
me: hopefully not all boys are completely stupid.
her: i dont have time for a boyfriend right now anyway. theres too much i want to do
right now. life is too f---ing short, you know? you just never know when youre
gonna go. life is just too d--- short.
XI
me: oh, no. im so scared of being buried alive now.
him#3: dont be scared. if i found out that you were buried alive, i would come and dig
you out.
me: really? aww. what would i do without you?
him: die? oh, but be sure and leave a sign so i know where youre buried. i dont want to
be doing any extra work. its too hot outside for that kind of thing.
Posted 7/31/2006 3:28 PM
Today is Tuesday, July 18, the 199th Day of 2006 with 166 to Follow.
The moon is waning. The morning stars are Mercury, Venus, Uranus and Neptune. The evening stars are Jupiter, Mars, Saturn and Pluto. Those born on this date are under the sign of Cancer.
On This Date in History:
In 64, fire destroyed nearly two-thirds of Rome.
In 1925, seven months after he was released from jail, Nazi leader Adolf Hitler published the first volume of his personal manifesto, 'Mein Kampf.'
In 1939, MGM had a sneak preview of 'The Wizard of Oz' after which producers debated about removing one of the songs because it seemed to slow things down. They finally decided to leave it in. The song: 'Over the Rainbow.'
In 1977, Vietnam was admitted to the United Nations.
In 1984, a gunman opened fire at a McDonald`s restaurant in San Ysidro, Calif., killing 21 people.
In 1994, a car bombing in Buenos Aires, Argentina, killed some 100 people in or near a building that housed Jewish organizations.
In 2003, NBA superstar Kobe Bryant was charged with one count of sexual assault stemming from an incident involving a 19-year-old female employee of an Edwards, Colo., hotel.
In 2005, Eric Rudolph was sentenced to two life terms for a deadly 1998 bombing at an abortion clinic in Birmingham, Ala. He also faced later sentencing in Atlanta for bombings at the 1996 Olympics and two other sites.
A Thought for the Day: Federico Fellini Said, 'all Art is Autobiographical. The Pearl is the Oyster`s Autobiography.'
.....................................
i have often [well, okay. not oftenoften, but once in a while] wondered what would happen to this blog if i died. and my email accounts. and facebook, and yes, even a blogspot account. what about my online banking [which i cant ever figure out how to work anyway] and phone bill and instant messenger all of that stuff. as far as i know, my passwords are fairly private [?] and although my roommate from freshman year may have known my password to my email account, i would hope that by now she has put that brain space to better use. so how would anyone know that i had died? unexplained long absences may have been a good indicator in the past, when posting happened more frequently, but as of late my fingers have moved much slower than my thoughts, something like trying to keep up with the speed of light in my little red corsica, which by the way, still needs to have the air conditioner charged. [that is something im desperately looking into in a while, before i drive six hours to the lake. i was going to hold out--i made it to july and whats another month of heat, and what did they used to do before air? but im a baby and its soo hot, and oatmeal cream pies, cheez-its, bottled water and good music only allieveiate the heat so much, you know.]
and what would happen to these words? probably not much. its hard to say. but im not sure anything should happen to them, either. but maybe it should? again, its hard to say.
[see also: this and this.]
almost two weekends ago now i slept deeply and unconsciously in my bed in my town as my grandfather was brought back to life in an ICU room in his town. i imagine it was something like gray's anatomy--they called code and everyone was rushing around, being heroic. and there were heroic people there, my mother tells me. everyone from the doctors [one of them could complete an entire crossword puzzle in 10 minutes using an inkpen.] to the physicians assistant who almost never left the ICU. even this guy in the waiting room who was blind from being shot in the face by his stepfather. you see, his stepfather was molesting children or maybe it wasnt children, but women, who knows, and the guy told his stepdad he was going to turn him in cause it wasnt right; dad said if he did, he would shoot him. he told the police anyway, and now he is blind.
jack [yes, we call our grandfather "jack," because when my oldest cousin and i were little and they asked him what he wanted to be called, he said jack because we would be able to say it before "mamaw" and jack, by the way, is not even his real name.] anyway, jack was, insofar as i can understand was actually dead, and then actually alive again. my grandmother was sleeping, and so was mom, and mom had to wake mamaw up. and i was sleeping here.
[really, im scared to live by myself. ill sleep through the rapture. and the fire alarms. it used to be that the number one requirement for the boy was something like "must love God" or "should be tall" or "teeth a requirement" or "must be interesting and very cute." but i dont think so anymore. the number one requirement is definately "must wake up." and if he wakes up to the fire alarm, he must wake me up too. [one or two requirements besides that of course, "must love God, be insteresting and cute" are still up there. anyway. very besides the point.]]
this is remarkable, in mostly ever sense of the word. in one weekend, there was nearly a funeral, [indeed, perhaps there was one for someone else on that very ICU floor, and most certainly there was one for more than one someone in the world.] that weekend i served at a wedding. and more than one baby was born to waiting parents all over the world. i duly note the irony, in a writerly fashion--
" ...but i do this believeing
somewhere it is happening, to someone else,
as surely as i know that somewhere two
people are screwing, in some distant country
the spikes of new cattails cut a pond's surface,
and whitecaps pitch their tents, ready
the siege in a broad gulf where my many selves
will have to face each otherm port and starboard,
no room for shoulders against the narrow transom."
[-from "horns unknown" by ralph sneeden]
currently playing: emiliana torrini // sunny road
Posted 7/18/2006 9:26 AM
On This Date in History:
In 64, fire destroyed nearly two-thirds of Rome.
In 1925, seven months after he was released from jail, Nazi leader Adolf Hitler published the first volume of his personal manifesto, 'Mein Kampf.'
In 1939, MGM had a sneak preview of 'The Wizard of Oz' after which producers debated about removing one of the songs because it seemed to slow things down. They finally decided to leave it in. The song: 'Over the Rainbow.'
In 1977, Vietnam was admitted to the United Nations.
In 1984, a gunman opened fire at a McDonald`s restaurant in San Ysidro, Calif., killing 21 people.
In 1994, a car bombing in Buenos Aires, Argentina, killed some 100 people in or near a building that housed Jewish organizations.
In 2003, NBA superstar Kobe Bryant was charged with one count of sexual assault stemming from an incident involving a 19-year-old female employee of an Edwards, Colo., hotel.
In 2005, Eric Rudolph was sentenced to two life terms for a deadly 1998 bombing at an abortion clinic in Birmingham, Ala. He also faced later sentencing in Atlanta for bombings at the 1996 Olympics and two other sites.
A Thought for the Day: Federico Fellini Said, 'all Art is Autobiographical. The Pearl is the Oyster`s Autobiography.'
.....................................
i have often [well, okay. not oftenoften, but once in a while] wondered what would happen to this blog if i died. and my email accounts. and facebook, and yes, even a blogspot account. what about my online banking [which i cant ever figure out how to work anyway] and phone bill and instant messenger all of that stuff. as far as i know, my passwords are fairly private [?] and although my roommate from freshman year may have known my password to my email account, i would hope that by now she has put that brain space to better use. so how would anyone know that i had died? unexplained long absences may have been a good indicator in the past, when posting happened more frequently, but as of late my fingers have moved much slower than my thoughts, something like trying to keep up with the speed of light in my little red corsica, which by the way, still needs to have the air conditioner charged. [that is something im desperately looking into in a while, before i drive six hours to the lake. i was going to hold out--i made it to july and whats another month of heat, and what did they used to do before air? but im a baby and its soo hot, and oatmeal cream pies, cheez-its, bottled water and good music only allieveiate the heat so much, you know.]
and what would happen to these words? probably not much. its hard to say. but im not sure anything should happen to them, either. but maybe it should? again, its hard to say.
[see also: this and this.]
almost two weekends ago now i slept deeply and unconsciously in my bed in my town as my grandfather was brought back to life in an ICU room in his town. i imagine it was something like gray's anatomy--they called code and everyone was rushing around, being heroic. and there were heroic people there, my mother tells me. everyone from the doctors [one of them could complete an entire crossword puzzle in 10 minutes using an inkpen.] to the physicians assistant who almost never left the ICU. even this guy in the waiting room who was blind from being shot in the face by his stepfather. you see, his stepfather was molesting children or maybe it wasnt children, but women, who knows, and the guy told his stepdad he was going to turn him in cause it wasnt right; dad said if he did, he would shoot him. he told the police anyway, and now he is blind.
jack [yes, we call our grandfather "jack," because when my oldest cousin and i were little and they asked him what he wanted to be called, he said jack because we would be able to say it before "mamaw" and jack, by the way, is not even his real name.] anyway, jack was, insofar as i can understand was actually dead, and then actually alive again. my grandmother was sleeping, and so was mom, and mom had to wake mamaw up. and i was sleeping here.
[really, im scared to live by myself. ill sleep through the rapture. and the fire alarms. it used to be that the number one requirement for the boy was something like "must love God" or "should be tall" or "teeth a requirement" or "must be interesting and very cute." but i dont think so anymore. the number one requirement is definately "must wake up." and if he wakes up to the fire alarm, he must wake me up too. [one or two requirements besides that of course, "must love God, be insteresting and cute" are still up there. anyway. very besides the point.]]
this is remarkable, in mostly ever sense of the word. in one weekend, there was nearly a funeral, [indeed, perhaps there was one for someone else on that very ICU floor, and most certainly there was one for more than one someone in the world.] that weekend i served at a wedding. and more than one baby was born to waiting parents all over the world. i duly note the irony, in a writerly fashion--
" ...but i do this believeing
somewhere it is happening, to someone else,
as surely as i know that somewhere two
people are screwing, in some distant country
the spikes of new cattails cut a pond's surface,
and whitecaps pitch their tents, ready
the siege in a broad gulf where my many selves
will have to face each otherm port and starboard,
no room for shoulders against the narrow transom."
[-from "horns unknown" by ralph sneeden]
currently playing: emiliana torrini // sunny road
Posted 7/18/2006 9:26 AM
Friday, November 16, 2007
weird.
okay: raise your hand if you know what "second star to the right and straight on until morning" is from without looking it up. im curious. [cause apparently this is not common knowledge; i thought it was. its messing me up. i feel like one of those things on leno where he asks people who the president is and they dont know. or something.]
also, i was thinking about it today, and i bet i've probably eaten upwards of 2500 peanutbutter&jelly sandwiches in my life. amazing.
Currently Watching: Singin' in the Rain
Posted 6/28/2006 6:36 PM
also, i was thinking about it today, and i bet i've probably eaten upwards of 2500 peanutbutter&jelly sandwiches in my life. amazing.
Currently Watching: Singin' in the Rain
Posted 6/28/2006 6:36 PM
::: a meditation on ecclesiastes 2 :::
v. 2> i said of laughter, "it is mad." and of pleasure, "what use is it?"
stages of laughter [from some journal of nursing]:
1. smile
2. smirk
3. grin
4. snicker
5. titter
6. giggle
7. chuckle
8. chortle
9. laugh
10. cackle
11. guffaw
12. howl
13. shriek
14. roar
15. convulse
16. die
"laughter is a form of letting go, which keeps you from getting dragged too far. laughter is a control issue. it is not your look that indicates how spiritual you are so much as your laughter. when we laugh at a situation, we are not avoiding it--it may be that we are admitting we cannot control it. our laughter indicates that we take God seriously and everything else, including ourselves, less seriously." --from laughing all the way
but a cheerful heart is good medicine. and i like laughing. tell me a joke?
[oh, and this isnt funny, but did you hear that the pope got the bird flu?]
v.3> i searched in my heart how to gratify my flesh with wine.
ok, the entire wine industry does not make any sense to me whatsosever. at work, we have these people come in and drink lots of alcoholic beverage. now, i dont really have a problem with alcohol consumption, as long as you dont get drunk, and you watch out for other people and all of those things. but if you want to have a glass of wine with dinner, knock yourself out. but what i dont understand is what justifies spending a thousand-plus dollars on it. like at work: say we have a party of 10 people come in.
10 people x $25-30 for the meal= $300.
+ 10 people x $ 7 for dessert= $70
+ 30%ish tip added to that= $115
----------------
$485 [plus tax]
and thats almost $500 right there but if they get any alcohol at all:
10 people x 5 glasses each x $8 dollars a glass = $400
or:
2 bottles of white wine x $36 + 2 bottle of sparkling wine x $80 + 3 bottles of red
wine x $90= $502
+ 10 people x 14 glasses of sundry liquor x $2.50 [average price? i have no idea about this.] = $35
----------------------------
$435 or $537
[plus alcohol tax]
+ $485
-------------------
$ 920 or $ 1022 [plus taxes]
this much is sure: i am not rich enough to drink alcoholic beverages.
you know, if i had an extra $500 laying around, i dont think my first instinct would be to buy alcohol with it. i mean really: i could buy a laptop [or half of one, if i do decide to get a mac]. i could buy 7/8 of a plane ticket to europe. i could go to new york city for a week or two. i could buy a lot of clothes, or shoes or books or movies or cds, and with a little more, i could buy a car. i could feed 164326728 children in africa for a month. there are a lot of things i would rather do with 500 dollars then get tipsy. maybe someone can explain the logic, because its really rather mind-boggeling for me. if that is how you spell boggeling, cause i dont think it is.
and you should see the stuff they drink! one description of this bottle of wine [and this is one of the more expensive bottles--its like $150] reads: blackberry and raspberry flavors, with hints of herbs, leather and earth" leather and earth?! i could blend my own blackberries and raspberries and add some dirt for a lot less than that. talk about gross. what would entice a person to drink that?
and then, theres the drunk thing, which is not actually appealing. on friday night at this wedding i was serving at, the mother of the bride threw up in the doorway of the womens bathroom. it was disgusting. and i didnt even clean it up. [ i dont do well with throw-up, you know.] and the bride was osovery drunk, too. when i get married, i want to actually be able to remember it, you know?
and then i have to worry about driving home, because i know that there were just 150 people at a wedding who are mostly drunk. and i dont want to die yet.
v.4> i made great works; i built houses.
"It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place." [--garden state]
i think most, if not all, people are homesick for a place that doesnt exist--at least on this planet at this time. we are not from this world, to paraphrase a friend [and probably a few other people.] but here we are. so: do we try to make the best of it--settle, if you will? [lots of people have told me to settle in these past few months. pretty sure thats not a good idea?] perhaps what we are looking for is right in front of our noses--we just have to stop or look long enough to see it. or do we keep looking? do we chase so hard after some thing, some place or ideal or time or person that will provide that feeling for us? i dont know; im inclined to think that it may be under our nose, if we stop to look for it, but we may have to move our nose around a little bit. cliche though it may be [and you know how i feel about cliches], i dont want to miss the trees for the forest. and i dont want to grow a wishbone where my backbone should be. [this is hard, sometimes, though.]
v. 7> i bought male and female slaves, and had slaves who were born in my house.
the other monday, we went to abraham lincoln's museum and stuff, and it was pretty much cool. i dont have a terribly strong opinion on lincoln either way [i mean, i really do like lincoln and im sad he died and stuff, although he probably would have anyway, but we came home and my littlest sisters and i watched gone with the wind. we decided that we are both northerners and southerners.] but it was a really great museum. the weirdest part was the wax figures. do you remember the weirdest reading rainbow episode where they showed how they make lifesized wax figurines? it was weird. and one time when i was like 7, my cousin and i watched this infomercial-ish special on TV about hair implantation. and it was weird. and later, whenever i watched the reading rainbow episode, i thought of that hair implantion special, cause making wax figuring hair is a lot like implanting it into people's heads. actually, i think both my cousin and i were scarred from watching that. but anyway, this museum had a lot of wax figurines, including a really creepy one of john wilkes booth, but the people that worked there told my parents to keep such a bunch of pretty girls like all of us away from him because he was known to be a womanizer. but mother did make us take pictures beside the lincoln family figurines, because she is trying to document our life.
anyway, i remembered what a lovely writer abe was, and here is the end of his second inagural, which is almost the best of them all. [but really you should read the rest, too, especially if you never have. it makes me think about things, and its so very gracious]: yet, if God wills that it continue until all the wealth piled by the bondsman's 250 years of unrequited toil shall be sunk, and until every drop of blood drawn with the lash shall be paid by another drawn with the sword, as was said three thousand years ago, so it must still be said: "the judgements of the Lord are true and righteous altogether.
with malice toward none; with charity toward all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the light, let us strive on to finish the work we are in;...to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves, and with all nations."
v.16> seeing in the days to come, it will have been long forgotten
sometimes i am a mess [especially when im packing], i think and in the past few years [especially with moving back and forth from school so much] i have lost some things that i really rather not have lost. i lost a teddy bear that i have had since before i was born. i lost a picture that my mother started when she was my age, and i finished. --to name a noteable few. the art of losing isnt hard to master? oh, it is hard to master. i am a stuff person and i miss my stuff [!] and i dont like to use stationary, because i want to save it for sometime when i might really need it. and i dont want to wear those shoes today, because its raining.
but what im so-slowly learning is that who even cares? i can get more stationary--probably some that is better if i want to--and the other person will be so happy to get a note on a cute little card. and who cares about these shoes? when else am i going to where them? and if they get ruined, i might not have needed them in the first place [or, i could get more, whichever comes first.] and who cares if all my sisters eat all the cookie dough in the batch of cookies im making? its funner that way, and i dont have to fuss at them, and cookies taste better when lots of hands have been in the dough, im convinced. if im not there exactly 5 minutes before something starts, it will be alright. if i dont get to that load of laundry today, the world will not end. and while im sad about my bear and picture: my mother is still around, so theoretically we could make another picture. and since i keep stuff, i might still have that pattern for the picture, and we could make that one again. and my sweet little sisters got me a bear that looks just like the last one to stand in.
no use holding on to stuff too-too tightly. your hands get all cramped. and its a lot less pressury if you dont.
v.17> for all is...a striving after the wind--
down in the valley, valley so low
hang your head over, hear the wind blow
hear the wind blow, love, hear the wind blow
hang your head over, hear the wind blow
[ oh, and he caught it from his cardinals.]
Posted: 6/18/06 5.41 p.m.
missinglike, pt. 2
there are some people that i miss that i was expecting to miss: my friends, my aquaintences, a few select professors and a couple of people i worked with. here are some people i was not expecting to miss, but i do: brandon and blake--the quiznos boys that i always saw every time. they knew what sandwhich i liked and made it so good, and they knew that i got a discount. they were charming, even if i was with other boys [of course, they were charming if i was with girls, thats no big surprise.] i miss john mark, my old boss who was wonderful and whenever i saw him after i quit working there, he would give me hug and call me "beautiful" [although, that might have been because he forgot my name, but i dont think so.] and ask me how things were. he would also beg me to come back and work for him. i miss the library lady, judy. she was so sweet, and when i read my poetry, she told me she liked it and asked for a copy. i miss that cook at waffle house, who always told us all about it, and everything else. i was not expecting this.
i wonder what happens to people. i wonder what will happen to them--if john mark will finally marry that girlfriend he's had forever, and if wendy from work will ever get pregnant and how whitney's twins are doing now [they were sick when i left.] i wonder if brandon and blake will get "real"-er jobs and be so rich when they are older, and if judy is going to get to keep her job after all, despite the city cutting funding. i met a girl at work on tuesday, and i worked with her for 6 hours. yesterday, she moved to atlanta because she got a waitressing job down there. eventually, though, she plans on returning to peoria, having lost 60 pounds and gained a southern accent. the funny thing is, when she comes back, i still will have only known her for 6 hours.
the other day, i went to knitting class. it was lovely. my mother and sisters go every week, and i decided to join them, because who knows why. theres this lady from church who taught herself to knit when she was pregnant with her first child and now shes like 80 or something and a-mazing at this stuff, so she has like 20 girls over at her house during the course of the week and she teaches them how to do it too. it is charming. i decided to make a blanket. ive been wanting to for a while, but i could never find a pattern for one that i liked. but i think ive got one now, and i think its easy enough which means that i might not even quit before i finish. thats always the trouble, you know. i start something, but then its too hard, or i mess up or i just stop doing it. but the goal is to finish this one. golly, since i started knitting, i might as well start accumulating cats and buy a cute house on a street for me and my cats [except for i dont even like cats. if im going to be the crazycool old maid down the streets, i guess ill have to have birds or something instead.]. and in the summer, i plan to sell lemonade, for yarn money. can i just say, too, that not a single store in peoria has the color of green yarn that i want for my blanket? its sad.
oh, and speaking of cats and knitting, it was getting very tiresome telling all the people that ask what im going to do with my life, because at this moment, i have no idea, of course, and everyone asks that [stupid] question, you know, for who knows why. its like they expect you to know or something, and thats just ridiculous. so a friend suggested that i just tell whoever asks that i plan on finding a really rich man to marry, and that may shut them up for a while. and that idea was looking better and better until i was at church on sunday and i was waiting to tell this girl something, but she was already talking to a lady, and right when i got there, the lady had just found out that she was single and was setting her up. i mean she had a list of like 4 men that she was trying to give this poor girl who didnt know what to say of course, because getting set up can be a rather awkward experience. so i decided that maybe telling people that i wanted to get married to a rich guy may not be such a great idea around here, cause usually you could just say no to the guy because hes not rich, and thats one of your qualifications, [except for only if you dont like him. if you do, then who even cares about money. same with movies, or last name, or music or really anything that works.] but most guys around here are rich because they work for caterpillar and that means rich. and also, i didnt even know that people actually set people up like that [!], so there went that idea.
mostly i think that if i dont have at least one decent, real conversation with a real person about once a week, then i go absolutely crazy. im good all week by myself or whatever, but man, after that i am an unhappy girl. unless i get talked to. i enjoy being talked to [by interesting people. the second question to ask after if the boy is rich or not is whether he is interesting.]
i have so much more to say, but i seem to have gotten out of the habit of writing, and i am tired of it. i need to get back into that habit, goodness, i have got to be more disciplined. [and the habit of answering phone calls and emails, and not putting on my makeup in the car on the way to work and eating how i should] the trouble is, i cant start small--its either completely and totally disciplined or not at all, so its not at all. i have trouble doing things only partially though, and i dont know how to fix that problem. but i will have to write again soon, because i have all these little tidbits running around in my head that need a home like: did you know that first cousins can get married in illinois, if they are over the age of 50 [?]. and also, one shouldnt do yoga on the dalai lamas mat because you just shouldnt. okay?
Posted: 6.12.06 1:37 a.m.
i wonder what happens to people. i wonder what will happen to them--if john mark will finally marry that girlfriend he's had forever, and if wendy from work will ever get pregnant and how whitney's twins are doing now [they were sick when i left.] i wonder if brandon and blake will get "real"-er jobs and be so rich when they are older, and if judy is going to get to keep her job after all, despite the city cutting funding. i met a girl at work on tuesday, and i worked with her for 6 hours. yesterday, she moved to atlanta because she got a waitressing job down there. eventually, though, she plans on returning to peoria, having lost 60 pounds and gained a southern accent. the funny thing is, when she comes back, i still will have only known her for 6 hours.
the other day, i went to knitting class. it was lovely. my mother and sisters go every week, and i decided to join them, because who knows why. theres this lady from church who taught herself to knit when she was pregnant with her first child and now shes like 80 or something and a-mazing at this stuff, so she has like 20 girls over at her house during the course of the week and she teaches them how to do it too. it is charming. i decided to make a blanket. ive been wanting to for a while, but i could never find a pattern for one that i liked. but i think ive got one now, and i think its easy enough which means that i might not even quit before i finish. thats always the trouble, you know. i start something, but then its too hard, or i mess up or i just stop doing it. but the goal is to finish this one. golly, since i started knitting, i might as well start accumulating cats and buy a cute house on a street for me and my cats [except for i dont even like cats. if im going to be the crazycool old maid down the streets, i guess ill have to have birds or something instead.]. and in the summer, i plan to sell lemonade, for yarn money. can i just say, too, that not a single store in peoria has the color of green yarn that i want for my blanket? its sad.
oh, and speaking of cats and knitting, it was getting very tiresome telling all the people that ask what im going to do with my life, because at this moment, i have no idea, of course, and everyone asks that [stupid] question, you know, for who knows why. its like they expect you to know or something, and thats just ridiculous. so a friend suggested that i just tell whoever asks that i plan on finding a really rich man to marry, and that may shut them up for a while. and that idea was looking better and better until i was at church on sunday and i was waiting to tell this girl something, but she was already talking to a lady, and right when i got there, the lady had just found out that she was single and was setting her up. i mean she had a list of like 4 men that she was trying to give this poor girl who didnt know what to say of course, because getting set up can be a rather awkward experience. so i decided that maybe telling people that i wanted to get married to a rich guy may not be such a great idea around here, cause usually you could just say no to the guy because hes not rich, and thats one of your qualifications, [except for only if you dont like him. if you do, then who even cares about money. same with movies, or last name, or music or really anything that works.] but most guys around here are rich because they work for caterpillar and that means rich. and also, i didnt even know that people actually set people up like that [!], so there went that idea.
mostly i think that if i dont have at least one decent, real conversation with a real person about once a week, then i go absolutely crazy. im good all week by myself or whatever, but man, after that i am an unhappy girl. unless i get talked to. i enjoy being talked to [by interesting people. the second question to ask after if the boy is rich or not is whether he is interesting.]
i have so much more to say, but i seem to have gotten out of the habit of writing, and i am tired of it. i need to get back into that habit, goodness, i have got to be more disciplined. [and the habit of answering phone calls and emails, and not putting on my makeup in the car on the way to work and eating how i should] the trouble is, i cant start small--its either completely and totally disciplined or not at all, so its not at all. i have trouble doing things only partially though, and i dont know how to fix that problem. but i will have to write again soon, because i have all these little tidbits running around in my head that need a home like: did you know that first cousins can get married in illinois, if they are over the age of 50 [?]. and also, one shouldnt do yoga on the dalai lamas mat because you just shouldnt. okay?
Posted: 6.12.06 1:37 a.m.
something, im sure.
so i have a new life goal: to become mrs. basil e. frankweiler. i bought a filing cabnet [retro, tan, $15 at walmart] and i have been filing and filing everything i even own. its amazing. [and im tired of filing already, but im quite sure ill like it again when im done]. of course when im like 80, think of all the things i will have filed by then, and i will have learned and heard and thought about all kinds of things--all the things in those files--, and thats a pretty weird thing to think of. right now, i am up to my ears in manilla file folders. its quite something.
::: if those files are secrets, and if secret make you different on the inside, then you insides, Mrs. Frankweiler. must be the most mixed-up, the most different insides i've ever seen. or any doctor has ever seen, either.:::
[i seem to have a lot of files, and i dont feel that different yet. hrm. maybe someday.]
and! i bought a chair. a perfecly lovely brown leather[ish? im pretty sure its not real leather]-with-wooden-arms/legs chair for $10 at a yardsale. its terribly sad that i do not have a house in which to put my files and my chair, and seeing as my car is still full of all my stuff, thats out too. well, i mean i have a house, but its not mine. i just live in it. you know.
[but i am rearranging my part of it.]
my pastor on sunday was sub-sub-pointedly talking about having a healthy soul. i wonder what that exactly consists of?
summer is so weird. its busybusy, but doing what? at the end of the day, i can hardly remember. maybe its the heat. i just feel more productive at school, maybe. and im scared because i dont think ive ever really written anything at home before. what if the only place i can write anything i can jackson? that would be really sad. i mean, what is it about a person, exactly, that makes them able to write and carry on conversations and be interesting and all of that? adrienne rich would say its because everybody is a lesbian on the inside and even the men cant avoid it, because they were born from mothers [or somesuch nonsense,] and thats where people get the creative impulse. [but--of course they were born from mothers; they can hardly help it, so that doesnt explain anything.] so i dont think thats quite right. maybe somthing about that part of the brain "where love and hunger meet" maybe, but im not so sure. there has to be something. maybe its just a gift, straight up.
and isnt it crazy that so many things mean. i mean, im not willing to go so far as to say that every single little kicked pebble that my sisters and i kicked when we were walking down the side of the street is vastly important in the grand scheme of things, [not that im saying that God didnt know about it and all of that.], and maybe if we could see, then it might mean for us. wouldnt it be crazy if we could see that deeply? and what if we had planned things out instead of God? i think i would see about making the order of seasons different every year, just for a change of pace. like one year it could be summer, spring, winter, fall. and then the next it would be summer, winter fall, spring.
maybe i shouldnt be in charge.
[i wonder what else i would change, if i was going to change things? i think im pretty content with things as they are?. i dont know.]
i planted flowers tonight, well, i planted flower seeds and can i just say that dirt is so pretty? i mean, im not a huge fan of dirt or anythintg, and i washed my hands right off, but it smells good. and its so dark and rich and full of possibility of life. i like it. and im excited about my flowers too: impatiens, coreopsis and cosmos. what names.
today i was filling out a job application and they asked me what kind of machinery i was able to opperate. what on earth did they mean? microwaves? alarm clocks? tractors? bulldozers? pluging in computers and driving cars? i had no idea. im not sure machinery is quite my thing. o well. but i really want a staple gun. i cant tell you how much. i have my tool box and everything, and its like my favorite thing ever, and i have two sets of jumper cables, and a glue gun, but i dont have a staple gun. and that is a serious problem, because you can do like everything with a staple gun. and come to think of it, i might be out of duct tape too; i know im out of scotch tape. boo.
ive decided i need a puzzle. a really great one. and i will glue it together when i am done.
here are some things that i like: sleeping, books, strawberries, lemon and fresh linen and freshly cut grass smells, canvas, inky pens, and porches. also, ceiling fans.
it always puzzles me to read people's xangas, and other things too, when they say something to the effect of "oh, i have nothing to say," because i always have something to say, even if i dont. but usually, i do, and then i talk my head off for a while and i still have more to say.
so all of this to say--something, im sure.
Posted 5/29/2006 10:56 PM - email it
::: if those files are secrets, and if secret make you different on the inside, then you insides, Mrs. Frankweiler. must be the most mixed-up, the most different insides i've ever seen. or any doctor has ever seen, either.:::
[i seem to have a lot of files, and i dont feel that different yet. hrm. maybe someday.]
and! i bought a chair. a perfecly lovely brown leather[ish? im pretty sure its not real leather]-with-wooden-arms/legs chair for $10 at a yardsale. its terribly sad that i do not have a house in which to put my files and my chair, and seeing as my car is still full of all my stuff, thats out too. well, i mean i have a house, but its not mine. i just live in it. you know.
[but i am rearranging my part of it.]
my pastor on sunday was sub-sub-pointedly talking about having a healthy soul. i wonder what that exactly consists of?
summer is so weird. its busybusy, but doing what? at the end of the day, i can hardly remember. maybe its the heat. i just feel more productive at school, maybe. and im scared because i dont think ive ever really written anything at home before. what if the only place i can write anything i can jackson? that would be really sad. i mean, what is it about a person, exactly, that makes them able to write and carry on conversations and be interesting and all of that? adrienne rich would say its because everybody is a lesbian on the inside and even the men cant avoid it, because they were born from mothers [or somesuch nonsense,] and thats where people get the creative impulse. [but--of course they were born from mothers; they can hardly help it, so that doesnt explain anything.] so i dont think thats quite right. maybe somthing about that part of the brain "where love and hunger meet" maybe, but im not so sure. there has to be something. maybe its just a gift, straight up.
and isnt it crazy that so many things mean. i mean, im not willing to go so far as to say that every single little kicked pebble that my sisters and i kicked when we were walking down the side of the street is vastly important in the grand scheme of things, [not that im saying that God didnt know about it and all of that.], and maybe if we could see, then it might mean for us. wouldnt it be crazy if we could see that deeply? and what if we had planned things out instead of God? i think i would see about making the order of seasons different every year, just for a change of pace. like one year it could be summer, spring, winter, fall. and then the next it would be summer, winter fall, spring.
maybe i shouldnt be in charge.
[i wonder what else i would change, if i was going to change things? i think im pretty content with things as they are?. i dont know.]
i planted flowers tonight, well, i planted flower seeds and can i just say that dirt is so pretty? i mean, im not a huge fan of dirt or anythintg, and i washed my hands right off, but it smells good. and its so dark and rich and full of possibility of life. i like it. and im excited about my flowers too: impatiens, coreopsis and cosmos. what names.
today i was filling out a job application and they asked me what kind of machinery i was able to opperate. what on earth did they mean? microwaves? alarm clocks? tractors? bulldozers? pluging in computers and driving cars? i had no idea. im not sure machinery is quite my thing. o well. but i really want a staple gun. i cant tell you how much. i have my tool box and everything, and its like my favorite thing ever, and i have two sets of jumper cables, and a glue gun, but i dont have a staple gun. and that is a serious problem, because you can do like everything with a staple gun. and come to think of it, i might be out of duct tape too; i know im out of scotch tape. boo.
ive decided i need a puzzle. a really great one. and i will glue it together when i am done.
here are some things that i like: sleeping, books, strawberries, lemon and fresh linen and freshly cut grass smells, canvas, inky pens, and porches. also, ceiling fans.
it always puzzles me to read people's xangas, and other things too, when they say something to the effect of "oh, i have nothing to say," because i always have something to say, even if i dont. but usually, i do, and then i talk my head off for a while and i still have more to say.
so all of this to say--something, im sure.
Posted 5/29/2006 10:56 PM - email it
and then, my car broke.
::: right now, i have all matching hangers. white plastic, walmart. they cost like 4 cents. and most everyone i know has generally the same. i want to know when and how you get to the point where you cease to have matching hangers in life. i mean, how does that even happen? if i get to that point, i will be sad. im not too organized or anything, but the white hangers are something i can count on. :::
and then, just like that, i left them. i didnt think i was going to have room in my car [it was so full, sososo full.] and i put them in a trash bag and gave them away because i didnt think they would fit. the trouble is now, of course, i think they might have. there was nothing inside my trashcan [golly, i love my trashcan.] and i think they would have fit inside of it just perfectly. or at least perfectly enough to get home. but i didnt think i needed them; i thought that they were just hangers. i could get new hangers. it could be this great symbolic gesture or something. i dont know what i was thinking, actually.
needless to say, in about 5 minutes of driving, i suddenly realized that i was crazydumb for getting rid of them, and i want them back. im working on getting them back right now. i dont know what it is, really, cause i could go right now to walmart and get some that are exactly completely the same, but theres something about those. they are mine, and i want those. i imagine i sound like a 2-year-old about something so completely dumb as hangers, but there it is. i am traditional, maybe, if not sentimental, no matter how much i try to avoid that particular flaw.
and then my car broke. in st. louis. thankfully, happily, awkwardly, unconventionally [and probably even providentially], its fixed. [there are some things you can only laugh about, and this was one of them. but i dont even think it was really funny.] and when i was there, we went to the zoo. i got sooo sunburned, rode the train, and saw like 1000 animals, except for the lions. he was noooooowhere to be found, so i think he escaped. and also, the kangaroo wouldnt even hop one bit. i saw giraffes too, and we stood soo close to them. i was almost as tall as the newborn giraffe, and the grown ones are the tallest things ever. it was amazing. you can tell the girl elephants from the boy because they have bigger hips for real, which is funny, [among other reasons too, like males have tusks and girls dont. we were walking behind a couple of 6th grade [or so] boys near the asian elephant display [the african elephants were nowhere to be found either, but i dont think they were supposed to be there, unlike the lions, who were lost.] and the one boy wanted to know if the asian elephants had slanty eyes. ah. all those kids at the zoo were mostly cute and funny with all the animals, but i think 6th grade boys are something else, but also funny. so, you know.
the absolute weirdest thing i saw though was the giant anteater. ive heard about anteaters for all my life [born in texas, relatives are still there and everything.] and you just hear about anteaters. but this was the weirdest looking thing ive probably ever seen. it looked like an R.O.U.S. and the tail looked like it came from yankee doodle. it was insane, and i could not get over it. still cant.
and i like ducks. but if i were a bird, i dont know which one i would be. its hard to say.
what made me unhappiest of all [well, really the only thing that made me unhappy. the zoo is a happy place.] is all of these signs all over the zoo all about the endangered species, and thats okay. i mean, i have nothing against the endangered species, but i was just thinking of all of the people that die and stuff everyday. and they are doing so much to make sure that children know that some weirdo warthog or something might be going extinct, but they didnt say anything about the all the children that are dying everyday in africa. and i realize that its not the zoo's job to take up humanitarian causes, but i just thought those priorities were a little misplaced, or so.
books on tape are a marvelous invention. it occured to me that i dont acually know how to write a cover letter, and i need to learn. i have a drastic poem revision in my head, but it hasnt come to anything useful yet. you know, ive only been home for maybe 28 hours and already ive had to tell people that im not going to be a teacher, and that i dont know what im doing, but maybe sometimes i know where commas go and i can sometimes write a poem. its depressing. poetry is not highly valued, really, which makes the prospects of things a little dreary. but if there were two classes that i was super glad i took this semester it was 1) poetry and 2) reading out loud class. i was reading a wrinkle in time to my sisters tonight, which is lovely anyway, but i felt rather confident in doing the voices and such. and the best thing is, you dont even have to be drastic to do that, just a little change does the trick for simple reading out loud. performing is different, of course. but its so much fun! reading outloud is lovely [when you dont trip over all the words] and being read to is lovely, it makes you hear [no pun intended] things in a completely different way.
anyway, one of the quotes in the book i was listening to on the way home said something like "you know, we're all crazy. everybody. and we flatter ourselves to think we are the only ones who are crazy." and sometimes, i believe that[!] but sometimes, i wish people would be a little more crazy. just so i dont think im not the only one. maybe its just that the crazy people all live in different towns, and mostly just normal people live here, but i dont know. i think my parents think im crazy for wanting crazier people to talk to, but its something i cant quite explain. and there i am flattering myself, thinking that im crazier [in whatever sense of the word that i am, im not sure.] than everyone here. and im sure thats not acually the case, because it cant be the case. and then i feel all dumb and completely irrationally not to mention unnecessarily arrogant i wish i was 834 smidgins more insighful into the human psyche.
for like the 19834123 time, it seems like i had something else i was going to say, but i forget what else, except for now its time to unpack, and try to get even almost settled. i have all these ridiculous goals: do pilates or something / lose 6 pounds. subscribe to magazines that will remind/inspire me. read a million books. organize. simplify. pray. find something to wear. be able to paint the nails on my right hand as easily as i can the ones on my left. brush up on my spanish--as in be able to hold a real live conversation with someone. learn enough french to get by if i went to paris. remember how to cook. get my resume and portfolio in order. invest in some handkerchiefs. get my hangers back. buy manilla envelopes and stamps. buy some scotch tape. goodness knows i need it.
i feel like i should do something useful, and have big, important goals: change the world or something. then again, i know about commas and poems. so, nevermind. silly goals it will be then. and then if.and.or.when i manage to do something not absolutely ridiculously silly, it will be a surprise. a happy one. and who doesnt like surprises?
currently reading: she's come undone / wally lamb [audio books]
Posted 5/23/2006 11:26 AM
and then, just like that, i left them. i didnt think i was going to have room in my car [it was so full, sososo full.] and i put them in a trash bag and gave them away because i didnt think they would fit. the trouble is now, of course, i think they might have. there was nothing inside my trashcan [golly, i love my trashcan.] and i think they would have fit inside of it just perfectly. or at least perfectly enough to get home. but i didnt think i needed them; i thought that they were just hangers. i could get new hangers. it could be this great symbolic gesture or something. i dont know what i was thinking, actually.
needless to say, in about 5 minutes of driving, i suddenly realized that i was crazydumb for getting rid of them, and i want them back. im working on getting them back right now. i dont know what it is, really, cause i could go right now to walmart and get some that are exactly completely the same, but theres something about those. they are mine, and i want those. i imagine i sound like a 2-year-old about something so completely dumb as hangers, but there it is. i am traditional, maybe, if not sentimental, no matter how much i try to avoid that particular flaw.
and then my car broke. in st. louis. thankfully, happily, awkwardly, unconventionally [and probably even providentially], its fixed. [there are some things you can only laugh about, and this was one of them. but i dont even think it was really funny.] and when i was there, we went to the zoo. i got sooo sunburned, rode the train, and saw like 1000 animals, except for the lions. he was noooooowhere to be found, so i think he escaped. and also, the kangaroo wouldnt even hop one bit. i saw giraffes too, and we stood soo close to them. i was almost as tall as the newborn giraffe, and the grown ones are the tallest things ever. it was amazing. you can tell the girl elephants from the boy because they have bigger hips for real, which is funny, [among other reasons too, like males have tusks and girls dont. we were walking behind a couple of 6th grade [or so] boys near the asian elephant display [the african elephants were nowhere to be found either, but i dont think they were supposed to be there, unlike the lions, who were lost.] and the one boy wanted to know if the asian elephants had slanty eyes. ah. all those kids at the zoo were mostly cute and funny with all the animals, but i think 6th grade boys are something else, but also funny. so, you know.
the absolute weirdest thing i saw though was the giant anteater. ive heard about anteaters for all my life [born in texas, relatives are still there and everything.] and you just hear about anteaters. but this was the weirdest looking thing ive probably ever seen. it looked like an R.O.U.S. and the tail looked like it came from yankee doodle. it was insane, and i could not get over it. still cant.
and i like ducks. but if i were a bird, i dont know which one i would be. its hard to say.
what made me unhappiest of all [well, really the only thing that made me unhappy. the zoo is a happy place.] is all of these signs all over the zoo all about the endangered species, and thats okay. i mean, i have nothing against the endangered species, but i was just thinking of all of the people that die and stuff everyday. and they are doing so much to make sure that children know that some weirdo warthog or something might be going extinct, but they didnt say anything about the all the children that are dying everyday in africa. and i realize that its not the zoo's job to take up humanitarian causes, but i just thought those priorities were a little misplaced, or so.
books on tape are a marvelous invention. it occured to me that i dont acually know how to write a cover letter, and i need to learn. i have a drastic poem revision in my head, but it hasnt come to anything useful yet. you know, ive only been home for maybe 28 hours and already ive had to tell people that im not going to be a teacher, and that i dont know what im doing, but maybe sometimes i know where commas go and i can sometimes write a poem. its depressing. poetry is not highly valued, really, which makes the prospects of things a little dreary. but if there were two classes that i was super glad i took this semester it was 1) poetry and 2) reading out loud class. i was reading a wrinkle in time to my sisters tonight, which is lovely anyway, but i felt rather confident in doing the voices and such. and the best thing is, you dont even have to be drastic to do that, just a little change does the trick for simple reading out loud. performing is different, of course. but its so much fun! reading outloud is lovely [when you dont trip over all the words] and being read to is lovely, it makes you hear [no pun intended] things in a completely different way.
anyway, one of the quotes in the book i was listening to on the way home said something like "you know, we're all crazy. everybody. and we flatter ourselves to think we are the only ones who are crazy." and sometimes, i believe that[!] but sometimes, i wish people would be a little more crazy. just so i dont think im not the only one. maybe its just that the crazy people all live in different towns, and mostly just normal people live here, but i dont know. i think my parents think im crazy for wanting crazier people to talk to, but its something i cant quite explain. and there i am flattering myself, thinking that im crazier [in whatever sense of the word that i am, im not sure.] than everyone here. and im sure thats not acually the case, because it cant be the case. and then i feel all dumb and completely irrationally not to mention unnecessarily arrogant i wish i was 834 smidgins more insighful into the human psyche.
for like the 19834123 time, it seems like i had something else i was going to say, but i forget what else, except for now its time to unpack, and try to get even almost settled. i have all these ridiculous goals: do pilates or something / lose 6 pounds. subscribe to magazines that will remind/inspire me. read a million books. organize. simplify. pray. find something to wear. be able to paint the nails on my right hand as easily as i can the ones on my left. brush up on my spanish--as in be able to hold a real live conversation with someone. learn enough french to get by if i went to paris. remember how to cook. get my resume and portfolio in order. invest in some handkerchiefs. get my hangers back. buy manilla envelopes and stamps. buy some scotch tape. goodness knows i need it.
i feel like i should do something useful, and have big, important goals: change the world or something. then again, i know about commas and poems. so, nevermind. silly goals it will be then. and then if.and.or.when i manage to do something not absolutely ridiculously silly, it will be a surprise. a happy one. and who doesnt like surprises?
currently reading: she's come undone / wally lamb [audio books]
Posted 5/23/2006 11:26 AM
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