i'm ready for something big.
(i think.)
really, its more like im thinking about beginning to think about starting to get ready to be ready for something big.
(i am definately interested to see what will happen. (among other things.))
(..........to be continued.)
Posted 6/27/2007 11:25 PM
Showing posts with label the glove compartment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the glove compartment. Show all posts
Thursday, December 6, 2007
{ things i have been doing }
1. traveling
actually, this was last week, as i didnt get to actually go anywhere for my real spring break this week. i went with my mother and sisters to see my grandparents in texas last week. it wasnt really a fun trip, but it was good to see them.
these are my questions: 1. why is gas so freaking expensive? it jumped 30ish cents in the past week. gross.
2. how come people and hotels dont think that details matter? i mean, really. how hard can it be to open the hotel-order-decorations-magazine and realize that something besides teal green and peach would be nice to decorate the rooms with? our new favorite hotels are the holiday inn express ones, just cause they feel the least like an eighties bridesmaid dress or dentist office in general. they have real pillows and nice big towels and showers and free breakfast and it doesnt look like a hotel. they have real art, even. props to them. but--why did it take so long for them to figure that out? and why doesnt everyone else figure it out? they would make more money that way, pretty sure.
2. music-ing
my cousin has unlimited downloads on napster for $15 a month or something ridiculous. and i dont really like napster (i think its unnecessarily complicated), but i managed to download lots of awesome new music when i was there (hopefully while i was at it, i expanded her taste from just justin timberlake and christina (dont judge too harshly, shes 14). (by the way, im always so disappointed in christitna agulara (sp?) because one time i watched this whole special all about how she studied opera and all this really really good music stuff and shes so, so talented, and shes just wasting it.) it has been quite the challange to get it to play on my computer, but i think i have it so i can at least play it, if nothing else.
(new favorite band from this venture: meese.)
3. cooking
somehow in texas i got put in charge of cooking.
i cant cook. goodness. but i learned, and everything was edible. i felt like izzy stevens though, cause there were sometimes i didnt know what to do to help my grandparents (who are getting very old, by the way) so instead i just baked cakes. and i am good at that. somehow, the one thing that i can manage to make very tastily is icing. mmmmmm. its good, if i do say so myself.
maybe if i keep cooking, ill be good at it, but im not getting my hopes up. and of course, its hard to say whether tasting good or getting done at the right time is more important. because im decent at getting everything done all together. it does suck to have your mashed potatoes be sitting there in front of you getting nice and cooled off while youre waiting for your steak to finish cooking. it also sucks to have to eat your whole meal and then have the rolls for dessert, cause someone forgot to put them in on time. so: on time i can do. yay.
and now its easter, so ill be baking cookies and bread all afternoon. and the cookies will have sprinkles, probably. God help us all.
(im not sure why sprinkles are so traumatic, but they are sometimes. i think it might have to do with the extra mess it produces.)
4. writing
trying to write this article right now.
im so out of practice! im having such a hard time. goodness.
5. eastering
we've been singing all the easter songs for good friday and such. we sang such a lovely latin-y version of o sacred head now wounded. i like songs that sound like that. they make me wish i was catholic almost--there is something majestic about liturgy. but its cool. also, i just like singing in that almost-opera way. one feels very refined and amused while doing so. and its just so wonderfully shiver-y.
my favorite moment of easter, hands down, (besides the obligatory but still true and lovely death and resurrection) is the curtain rip in the temple. its just so terrifying and mysterious and lovely and meaningful. mmm. i like it.
and its going to be so cold this easter! im going to have to wear my christmas dress instead of easter, so i dont freeze. like our poor tulips outside.
6. getting
a job! yes, i think im employed.
its with peoria rescue ministries (which include a homeless shelter for men, and women (but seperately) and all kinds of things. and i will be the public relations coordinator, eventually. first i get to just hang out and learn stuff with the current PR person before she and her husband move away to seminary. people keep asking me if im excited. and i am. but i think thats overwhelmed by 1) the relief that someone wanted to hire me and my education wasnt totally useless. and 2) nervous! im so nervous and scared. lots of responsibility here.
and i dont know what im doing. my minor was PR, but i only know about 5 minutes worth of it.
oh dear.
they already gave me an umbrella.
also, this job comes with rules. im not allowed to get married within the next 6 months. not sure why that is. but he said to me and i quote: "so, once the business manager comes back into town, you can fill out all the forms for taxes." and so on and so forth. and then, as i was leaving he was all like, "oh, and no getting married in the next six months! you know that, right?" (i said "dont worry sir, i dont think im in much danger of that." but i wonder why anyway.)
so. there it is.
7. shopping
and right after i start, i have to go to this formal dinner to see how to do it and the invitation says "dressy attire." can anyone explain what that means? its nicer than sunday clothes, but not black tie. what does that even constitute?! i have no idea. do any of you know? if you do, please tell me!
if you are male, count yourselves very blessed.
and again, i would be very, very happy to have the wardrobe possibilieies of jackie kennedy O. and lorelai gilmore.
there seems like theres more stuff (like sleepover-ing and reading and spring cleaning and stuff), but oh well.
i was in the grocery store yesterday and i told the wonderful grandmotherly lady with burgendy pink fingernails and lots of jewelry
happy easter.
she said
ohh, same to you, sweets.
(and i'll second that.)
Posted 4/7/2007 1:09 PM
actually, this was last week, as i didnt get to actually go anywhere for my real spring break this week. i went with my mother and sisters to see my grandparents in texas last week. it wasnt really a fun trip, but it was good to see them.
these are my questions: 1. why is gas so freaking expensive? it jumped 30ish cents in the past week. gross.
2. how come people and hotels dont think that details matter? i mean, really. how hard can it be to open the hotel-order-decorations-magazine and realize that something besides teal green and peach would be nice to decorate the rooms with? our new favorite hotels are the holiday inn express ones, just cause they feel the least like an eighties bridesmaid dress or dentist office in general. they have real pillows and nice big towels and showers and free breakfast and it doesnt look like a hotel. they have real art, even. props to them. but--why did it take so long for them to figure that out? and why doesnt everyone else figure it out? they would make more money that way, pretty sure.
2. music-ing
my cousin has unlimited downloads on napster for $15 a month or something ridiculous. and i dont really like napster (i think its unnecessarily complicated), but i managed to download lots of awesome new music when i was there (hopefully while i was at it, i expanded her taste from just justin timberlake and christina (dont judge too harshly, shes 14). (by the way, im always so disappointed in christitna agulara (sp?) because one time i watched this whole special all about how she studied opera and all this really really good music stuff and shes so, so talented, and shes just wasting it.) it has been quite the challange to get it to play on my computer, but i think i have it so i can at least play it, if nothing else.
(new favorite band from this venture: meese.)
3. cooking
somehow in texas i got put in charge of cooking.
i cant cook. goodness. but i learned, and everything was edible. i felt like izzy stevens though, cause there were sometimes i didnt know what to do to help my grandparents (who are getting very old, by the way) so instead i just baked cakes. and i am good at that. somehow, the one thing that i can manage to make very tastily is icing. mmmmmm. its good, if i do say so myself.
maybe if i keep cooking, ill be good at it, but im not getting my hopes up. and of course, its hard to say whether tasting good or getting done at the right time is more important. because im decent at getting everything done all together. it does suck to have your mashed potatoes be sitting there in front of you getting nice and cooled off while youre waiting for your steak to finish cooking. it also sucks to have to eat your whole meal and then have the rolls for dessert, cause someone forgot to put them in on time. so: on time i can do. yay.
and now its easter, so ill be baking cookies and bread all afternoon. and the cookies will have sprinkles, probably. God help us all.
(im not sure why sprinkles are so traumatic, but they are sometimes. i think it might have to do with the extra mess it produces.)
4. writing
trying to write this article right now.
im so out of practice! im having such a hard time. goodness.
5. eastering
we've been singing all the easter songs for good friday and such. we sang such a lovely latin-y version of o sacred head now wounded. i like songs that sound like that. they make me wish i was catholic almost--there is something majestic about liturgy. but its cool. also, i just like singing in that almost-opera way. one feels very refined and amused while doing so. and its just so wonderfully shiver-y.
my favorite moment of easter, hands down, (besides the obligatory but still true and lovely death and resurrection) is the curtain rip in the temple. its just so terrifying and mysterious and lovely and meaningful. mmm. i like it.
and its going to be so cold this easter! im going to have to wear my christmas dress instead of easter, so i dont freeze. like our poor tulips outside.
6. getting
a job! yes, i think im employed.
its with peoria rescue ministries (which include a homeless shelter for men, and women (but seperately) and all kinds of things. and i will be the public relations coordinator, eventually. first i get to just hang out and learn stuff with the current PR person before she and her husband move away to seminary. people keep asking me if im excited. and i am. but i think thats overwhelmed by 1) the relief that someone wanted to hire me and my education wasnt totally useless. and 2) nervous! im so nervous and scared. lots of responsibility here.
and i dont know what im doing. my minor was PR, but i only know about 5 minutes worth of it.
oh dear.
they already gave me an umbrella.
also, this job comes with rules. im not allowed to get married within the next 6 months. not sure why that is. but he said to me and i quote: "so, once the business manager comes back into town, you can fill out all the forms for taxes." and so on and so forth. and then, as i was leaving he was all like, "oh, and no getting married in the next six months! you know that, right?" (i said "dont worry sir, i dont think im in much danger of that." but i wonder why anyway.)
so. there it is.
7. shopping
and right after i start, i have to go to this formal dinner to see how to do it and the invitation says "dressy attire." can anyone explain what that means? its nicer than sunday clothes, but not black tie. what does that even constitute?! i have no idea. do any of you know? if you do, please tell me!
if you are male, count yourselves very blessed.
and again, i would be very, very happy to have the wardrobe possibilieies of jackie kennedy O. and lorelai gilmore.
there seems like theres more stuff (like sleepover-ing and reading and spring cleaning and stuff), but oh well.
i was in the grocery store yesterday and i told the wonderful grandmotherly lady with burgendy pink fingernails and lots of jewelry
happy easter.
she said
ohh, same to you, sweets.
(and i'll second that.)
Posted 4/7/2007 1:09 PM
leave it to beaver
so, a lot has happened.
and a lot hasnt happened.
its hard to know where to begin, really [which is why i shouldnt let myself not write]. the past month overall has been pretty good?. work was alright, i went to a wedding that was so fun, ive been watching good things and reading good things and hanging out with the family. and then: the last week has been completely sucky. completely. (except for on tuesday when i received 50 recipe cards with little happy beavers on them by accident, because in what universe is that not happy?) (but what the heck am i going to do with 50 accidental recipe cards with happy little beavers on them?! i cant even cook)
details are more or less superfluous at this point, but basically, i felt expendable. (and traumatized). and i was (so) hurt. and mad. and i cried. twice.
and i am not a crier. not one bit.
and i hate things that make me cry.
and: i wish those things wouldnt happen.
even so, i quit crying eventually. and things are better, more-or-less. and im not complaining.
and then i made a list. here it is.
these are things that i am learning:
1. even though things totally suck, i have to trust. --yes, and praise the one who orders the universe.
2. not only do i have to trust, but i also have to try and not be bitter. and even forgive. even though i am bitter and do not want to forgive.
3. sucky things do not just happen to me. they happen to everyone. i must pay attention and care for others. cause im not the most important.
4. tap dancing is severely overlooked and underappreciated nowadays, as is dancing in general. (yeah. no one puts baby in the corner.)
5. some things are not my calling. and some things are not my fault and beyond my control.
6. i dont know what my calling is. it is not a lot of things. and it is not tapdancing, which is sad. but theres no rush. things will happen as they will. i just need to be ready. and as not scared as i can manage.
7. i am becoming thankful for things i never thought i would be thankful for--things like production nights until 5 in the morning and working at gross resturants.
8. stationery is important. using it, moreso.
9. theres not many things decent conversations, swisscakerolls (or oatmeal cream pies, if you will), and good, funny things wont fix. these things are key. they can help things you didnt know were even wrong.
10. what do you know. i like mediterranian food. and swisscakerolls. but not twinkies. just today i heard someone listing ridiculous things and they said: and pretty soon, we'll have organic twinkies. they're right, thats ridiculous.
11. also: being wanted is so, so wonderful. (oh thursdays.)
12. even when you run out of options, sometimes, there are still more. they are called surprise options.
13. privilege has no D in it. who knew.
14. oftentimes the search is more imporant than what you are looking for; othertimes what you find is the important part. but for sure--dont skip the looking.
15. in the scheme of things, things are okay. i am okay. God is good. i am (more-or-less) content. the world is full of possibilities. and it is spring, after all.
16. this is why piddling is important. and i like it. also, i would be happy if i could grow up and dress like jackie O and lorelai gilmore combined. very happy.
17. punctuation matters. really.
18. happy beaver recipe cards are awesome.
[nobody ever had a dream around here, but i dont really mind that its starting to get to me.
we’ve seen it all: bonfires of trust, flash floods of pain.
it doesn’t really matter. don’t you worry, it’ll all work out?]
currently playing: the killers // sam's town
Posted 3/25/2007 1:09 AM
and a lot hasnt happened.
its hard to know where to begin, really [which is why i shouldnt let myself not write]. the past month overall has been pretty good?. work was alright, i went to a wedding that was so fun, ive been watching good things and reading good things and hanging out with the family. and then: the last week has been completely sucky. completely. (except for on tuesday when i received 50 recipe cards with little happy beavers on them by accident, because in what universe is that not happy?) (but what the heck am i going to do with 50 accidental recipe cards with happy little beavers on them?! i cant even cook)
details are more or less superfluous at this point, but basically, i felt expendable. (and traumatized). and i was (so) hurt. and mad. and i cried. twice.
and i am not a crier. not one bit.
and i hate things that make me cry.
and: i wish those things wouldnt happen.
even so, i quit crying eventually. and things are better, more-or-less. and im not complaining.
and then i made a list. here it is.
these are things that i am learning:
1. even though things totally suck, i have to trust. --yes, and praise the one who orders the universe.
2. not only do i have to trust, but i also have to try and not be bitter. and even forgive. even though i am bitter and do not want to forgive.
3. sucky things do not just happen to me. they happen to everyone. i must pay attention and care for others. cause im not the most important.
4. tap dancing is severely overlooked and underappreciated nowadays, as is dancing in general. (yeah. no one puts baby in the corner.)
5. some things are not my calling. and some things are not my fault and beyond my control.
6. i dont know what my calling is. it is not a lot of things. and it is not tapdancing, which is sad. but theres no rush. things will happen as they will. i just need to be ready. and as not scared as i can manage.
7. i am becoming thankful for things i never thought i would be thankful for--things like production nights until 5 in the morning and working at gross resturants.
8. stationery is important. using it, moreso.
9. theres not many things decent conversations, swisscakerolls (or oatmeal cream pies, if you will), and good, funny things wont fix. these things are key. they can help things you didnt know were even wrong.
10. what do you know. i like mediterranian food. and swisscakerolls. but not twinkies. just today i heard someone listing ridiculous things and they said: and pretty soon, we'll have organic twinkies. they're right, thats ridiculous.
11. also: being wanted is so, so wonderful. (oh thursdays.)
12. even when you run out of options, sometimes, there are still more. they are called surprise options.
13. privilege has no D in it. who knew.
14. oftentimes the search is more imporant than what you are looking for; othertimes what you find is the important part. but for sure--dont skip the looking.
15. in the scheme of things, things are okay. i am okay. God is good. i am (more-or-less) content. the world is full of possibilities. and it is spring, after all.
16. this is why piddling is important. and i like it. also, i would be happy if i could grow up and dress like jackie O and lorelai gilmore combined. very happy.
17. punctuation matters. really.
18. happy beaver recipe cards are awesome.
[nobody ever had a dream around here, but i dont really mind that its starting to get to me.
we’ve seen it all: bonfires of trust, flash floods of pain.
it doesn’t really matter. don’t you worry, it’ll all work out?]
currently playing: the killers // sam's town
Posted 3/25/2007 1:09 AM
i can give you that.
I.
hominess is not neatness.
otherwise everyone would live in replicas of the kinds of sterile
( and impersonal)
homes that appear in interior design and architectural magazines.
what these spotless rooms lack, or what crafty photographers have carefully removed,
is any evidence of human occupation.
in spite of the artfully placed vases and casually arranged art books,
the imprint of the inhabitants is still missing. these pristine interiors fascinate and repel me.
can people really live without clutter? how do they stop the sunday papers from spreading over the living room?
how do they manage without toothpaste tubes and half-used soap bars in their bathrooms?
where do they hide the detritus of their daily lives?
from home: a short history of an idea, page 19
II.
and i have (nearly) nothing to my name,
but i can give you that.
from caedmon's call: somewhere north
III.
to be continued.
Posted 1/17/2007 9:54 PM
hominess is not neatness.
otherwise everyone would live in replicas of the kinds of sterile
( and impersonal)
homes that appear in interior design and architectural magazines.
what these spotless rooms lack, or what crafty photographers have carefully removed,
is any evidence of human occupation.
in spite of the artfully placed vases and casually arranged art books,
the imprint of the inhabitants is still missing. these pristine interiors fascinate and repel me.
can people really live without clutter? how do they stop the sunday papers from spreading over the living room?
how do they manage without toothpaste tubes and half-used soap bars in their bathrooms?
where do they hide the detritus of their daily lives?
from home: a short history of an idea, page 19
II.
and i have (nearly) nothing to my name,
but i can give you that.
from caedmon's call: somewhere north
III.
to be continued.
Posted 1/17/2007 9:54 PM
{ oh, im so scared of camels.! }
[ and im not standing here asking you to marry me. im just asking you not to marry him. and to maybe take a walk. or a chance. --john beckwith // wedding crashers. ]
so, due to unavoidable circumstances, [namely, my inability to pack anything whatsoever] i added another life experience to list. i left late on tuesday when i was coming to jackson, so i decided that i wanted to stay in a hotel cause i was getting sooo sleepy, and i thought that wasnt a good idea, maybe. so i found one that looked clean, but not too expensive or anything so i checked in and went up to my room and dumped my stuff on the bed. and i tried to turn on the tv. and it didnt work. and then i tried the lights and they didnt work. and the alarm clock didnt work, and i definately needed that, you know. so i called the front desk and said
"um, i know this is weird, but stuff in my room doesnt work."
the front desk grumpy hispanic guy: "did you turn on the lightswitch?"
me: "um, yes."
and then he explains the whole process of turning on the lights, just in case i didnt know.
and i said "well, yes, i tried that, and it didnt work."
him: well, do you really need your lights and tv?"
me: yes. i really need my lights and tv.
him: well, do you want me to come up and look at it?"
and i did, so he came and he was soo condescending, and he tried everything, but nothing worked, of course, and i laughed at his increasing perplextion about the subject. finally he decided it was the breaker, and so he fixed it and i was happy and he was glad to be leaving me, i think. heh. and then i watched wedding crashers again and fell asleep.
and then, i got to jackson, and i was running around like a chicken, which is apparently what i do in jackson, but apparently what i do everywhere, so i dont know. but there was a sign on my door that my wonderful roommates had put up and it said "welcome home, julie" and i said yes, i am home. and i was in my room. and i was with all of my friends. and i was in a town that i sortof like, even though its not even great. [maybe thats the definition of love: you sortof like it, even when its not great?] and there was great food; i probably gained like 5 pounds, but there are apparently more important things in life.
and after i was running around like a [happy] chicken, i went to BP, and it was mostly useless, but i was in nashville, and i love nashville. and i was with some people that i really like, for the most part. and i had a conversation that changed the direct focus of my life at this moment, maybe? and i was walking around the corner, and in the middle of downtown nashville and country music and motorcycles and homeless people and business people and crazy buildings and traffic, i found:
a camel.
in downtown nashville.
and he had a ring of flowers around his neck.
and he had a name: bo the camel.
and just as i walked by, a little girl ran by me, and ran in front of the camel and screamed that she was so scared of camels! ahhhhh!, and there were dogs and goats and sheep and cows and a pig and snakes everywhere, but she was worried about the camel for who knows why. all the priests and page boys were running around in magenta instead of white, and this was all happening in front of this absolutely beautiful episcopalian? [sp?] church, and the animals were going to church: it was the feast of st. francis, so they were there for a blessing. and a whole church service. and that makes sense, i suppose. i always heard that you should never turn down prayers or blessings, where ever you can get them. kindof like hugs or something. but once in a while, you just have to turn down hugs, if its sketchy enough.
i cant explain why this was a terribly important event for me. but it was. it really changed my whole weekend.
i saw a camel in nashville and life is good. or it will be good. and stuff.
i remembered that i take things too seriously when they dont necessarily need to be sooo serious. like writing. i say that if i cant do it perfectly, then clearly im not a writer, and i never will be. and also, i think that if i cant be elisabeth elliot by tomorrow or so, then why even bother reading my bible? cause clearly, im probably headed straight to hell anyway.
but no. im ridiculous. things are processes. and baby steps are o.k.a.y.
but part of the reason i think i cant write when im here, or havent been able to so far anyway, is because i just dont think im comfortable here, which is weird. cause it is home, just as much as jackson is. i have a church. and a house. and a family. and a few real friends, maybe. at least 4 of them. [well, both places are home inasmuch as i dont have a spot in either of them anymore, really. but thats okay, too. its just weird.] but anyway, the difference is this: i would wear pajamas out in public in peoria because i dont know anyone, and if i do know them [and they arent my family or a few closeish friends], i dont care enough about what they would think about me out in public in my pajamas. but i would wear my pajamas out in jackson because i do know people, and they've lived with me and they know me and, as far as i can tell, they still dont mind with me.
and i think thats a big part of why i have had a hard time getting words on a page: its amazing what feeling loved and cared about does for a person. [however, i was not prepared for how hard this could be, both ways, mind you.] and i always feel so see-through-able: i feel like everyone can tell when im feeling ridiculous or dumb or something, even though they probably arent really able to cause people dont pay that much attention. but just knowing that you are cared for regardless is quite something. and i think that when i can believe that about myself in this town, then it might feel differently for me. but im just guessing now.
also, when i was driving home from home, i picked some cotton.!
if i am having a quarter life crisis [and im not sure that i am, but i might be], and im only 22, is that a sign that i will only live until im 88? if ive only got until im 88, then my heavens. the distance between 88 and 100 suddently seems very big, even though its only 12 years.
there are big decisions to make. and things to worry about. and adventures to have. and things to do!
i want to love.
i am learning that you cant just not do something because you dont know its not foolproof.
i could start quoting garden state to you all, you know the part: "it's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place." and im not sure if i agree with that completly, or even mostly, but i do know this:
there is nowhere that i feel at home anymore, really, but i do feel at home with you.
currently playing: take it easy // the eagles
Posted 10/10/2006 10:53 AM
so, due to unavoidable circumstances, [namely, my inability to pack anything whatsoever] i added another life experience to list. i left late on tuesday when i was coming to jackson, so i decided that i wanted to stay in a hotel cause i was getting sooo sleepy, and i thought that wasnt a good idea, maybe. so i found one that looked clean, but not too expensive or anything so i checked in and went up to my room and dumped my stuff on the bed. and i tried to turn on the tv. and it didnt work. and then i tried the lights and they didnt work. and the alarm clock didnt work, and i definately needed that, you know. so i called the front desk and said
"um, i know this is weird, but stuff in my room doesnt work."
the front desk grumpy hispanic guy: "did you turn on the lightswitch?"
me: "um, yes."
and then he explains the whole process of turning on the lights, just in case i didnt know.
and i said "well, yes, i tried that, and it didnt work."
him: well, do you really need your lights and tv?"
me: yes. i really need my lights and tv.
him: well, do you want me to come up and look at it?"
and i did, so he came and he was soo condescending, and he tried everything, but nothing worked, of course, and i laughed at his increasing perplextion about the subject. finally he decided it was the breaker, and so he fixed it and i was happy and he was glad to be leaving me, i think. heh. and then i watched wedding crashers again and fell asleep.
and then, i got to jackson, and i was running around like a chicken, which is apparently what i do in jackson, but apparently what i do everywhere, so i dont know. but there was a sign on my door that my wonderful roommates had put up and it said "welcome home, julie" and i said yes, i am home. and i was in my room. and i was with all of my friends. and i was in a town that i sortof like, even though its not even great. [maybe thats the definition of love: you sortof like it, even when its not great?] and there was great food; i probably gained like 5 pounds, but there are apparently more important things in life.
and after i was running around like a [happy] chicken, i went to BP, and it was mostly useless, but i was in nashville, and i love nashville. and i was with some people that i really like, for the most part. and i had a conversation that changed the direct focus of my life at this moment, maybe? and i was walking around the corner, and in the middle of downtown nashville and country music and motorcycles and homeless people and business people and crazy buildings and traffic, i found:
a camel.
in downtown nashville.
and he had a ring of flowers around his neck.
and he had a name: bo the camel.
and just as i walked by, a little girl ran by me, and ran in front of the camel and screamed that she was so scared of camels! ahhhhh!, and there were dogs and goats and sheep and cows and a pig and snakes everywhere, but she was worried about the camel for who knows why. all the priests and page boys were running around in magenta instead of white, and this was all happening in front of this absolutely beautiful episcopalian? [sp?] church, and the animals were going to church: it was the feast of st. francis, so they were there for a blessing. and a whole church service. and that makes sense, i suppose. i always heard that you should never turn down prayers or blessings, where ever you can get them. kindof like hugs or something. but once in a while, you just have to turn down hugs, if its sketchy enough.
i cant explain why this was a terribly important event for me. but it was. it really changed my whole weekend.
i saw a camel in nashville and life is good. or it will be good. and stuff.
i remembered that i take things too seriously when they dont necessarily need to be sooo serious. like writing. i say that if i cant do it perfectly, then clearly im not a writer, and i never will be. and also, i think that if i cant be elisabeth elliot by tomorrow or so, then why even bother reading my bible? cause clearly, im probably headed straight to hell anyway.
but no. im ridiculous. things are processes. and baby steps are o.k.a.y.
but part of the reason i think i cant write when im here, or havent been able to so far anyway, is because i just dont think im comfortable here, which is weird. cause it is home, just as much as jackson is. i have a church. and a house. and a family. and a few real friends, maybe. at least 4 of them. [well, both places are home inasmuch as i dont have a spot in either of them anymore, really. but thats okay, too. its just weird.] but anyway, the difference is this: i would wear pajamas out in public in peoria because i dont know anyone, and if i do know them [and they arent my family or a few closeish friends], i dont care enough about what they would think about me out in public in my pajamas. but i would wear my pajamas out in jackson because i do know people, and they've lived with me and they know me and, as far as i can tell, they still dont mind with me.
and i think thats a big part of why i have had a hard time getting words on a page: its amazing what feeling loved and cared about does for a person. [however, i was not prepared for how hard this could be, both ways, mind you.] and i always feel so see-through-able: i feel like everyone can tell when im feeling ridiculous or dumb or something, even though they probably arent really able to cause people dont pay that much attention. but just knowing that you are cared for regardless is quite something. and i think that when i can believe that about myself in this town, then it might feel differently for me. but im just guessing now.
also, when i was driving home from home, i picked some cotton.!
if i am having a quarter life crisis [and im not sure that i am, but i might be], and im only 22, is that a sign that i will only live until im 88? if ive only got until im 88, then my heavens. the distance between 88 and 100 suddently seems very big, even though its only 12 years.
there are big decisions to make. and things to worry about. and adventures to have. and things to do!
i want to love.
i am learning that you cant just not do something because you dont know its not foolproof.
i could start quoting garden state to you all, you know the part: "it's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place." and im not sure if i agree with that completly, or even mostly, but i do know this:
there is nowhere that i feel at home anymore, really, but i do feel at home with you.
currently playing: take it easy // the eagles
Posted 10/10/2006 10:53 AM
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
{{ two things: }}
the first:
there is something about fall that makes me want to listen to simon and garfunkel. im not sure what it is about them: they're just perfect for the weather and the everything, you know? i cant really think of an occassion for which they would not be the perfect soundtrack: theyre honest, and sexy and depressing and curious and so happy and they just make you want to sing along. its weird how music reminds me so much of some things. i was digging through the cds last week to find the S&G and i found a few cds that i just remembered being so good, and i said hey, i should listen to those. but i did, and they just reminded me so much of places where i am not and feelings and situations that are not the feelings and situations of the moment, that even though its good music, i just had no desire to listen to it. bleh. but then, i found the S&G and then i found fall out boy [and the killers, and jimmy eat world and the shins and weezer and stuff] and my cd player and i have had a very happy week. thats fall music if ive ever heard it. and its happy.
there are so many freaking squirrels in my yard at any one time, that i wouldnt even feel bad about running over some of them. normally i would, but its just getting ridiculous. and also, the other day, i thought i saw a mouse when i was walking into my house. and i admit: i screamed. because, i am terribly, ridiculously afraid of mice, and if it actually had been a mouse, i would have actually moved out of my house. the end. but it turned out to just be a chipmunk, so i am still living in my house.
i was thinking about hands the other day, because i really like hands. hands are important, and i like people with good hands and i want to have good hands myself. but theres this girl in my class and she has those kind of manicured nails that are really long and fancy and each nail has some crazily intricate design on it. and i just really dont understand the practicality of this. ooh, and get this: the really crazy ones plan for their nails to match what they will be wearing and things. and i just have issues with that. i mean, who the freaking heck is coordinated enough to tell the manicurist what to do to you nails so they match what you will wear 6 days from now? [unless its specified dress, like a wedding where you already know these kinds of things.] goodness, im lucky if i know what im wearing when i walk out the door. but anyway, so these women have these crazy long designed on the nails and then they cant move or write or type or clean or touch anything except for their lipliner and figi water. and why on earth would you pay that much to not be able to move your hands that much.
and i dont know, it may just be that ive never had a really good manicure and so i dont know quite what im missing, but i still think that the women have the most beautiful hands when they are normal looking, but pretty and well-cared for, you know? same with boys. good boy hands are ones that are strong, and used for things and stuff. not that idle hands are a devils playground, exactly, but something.
i still maintain the opinion that balance is terribly important, but im often finding that a hard line to find. there are so many things that seem like complete opposites:
contentment v. living a full life
doing whats right v. doing whats fun
idealistic things v. realistic things
fashion v. comfort
being loved v. serving
i dont know how to balance these things. and other things too, but i forget what they are. i guess thats the beauty of english-majoring: at least i can give them a nameso i know what exactly it is that im dealing with but i dont know how to make it all true, any more than it already is.
im finding out that a lot of things are not only an exercises in loving people, but also there are many exercises in being loved. and that is harder than it seems, sometimes.
sometimes, i wish that i could be a conglomeration of everyone i like. and sometimes i wish you were a different conglomeration of everyone else i like, too. but no. we are who we are, and its dumb to ask for different.
the gospel is real [surprisingly enough, i think.]
tonight i learned to read a different language. it was a modified arabic script.
this is what i learned to read:
my tie.
i tie my tie.
i might tie my tie.
i might tie my tie too tight.
i dont think im good at learning to read in completely foreign languages. i kept using my english and i was just repeating in my head over and again while i was learning it: see dick. see dick and jane. see dick and jane run. see dick and jane run fast. but either way, it was pretty weird.
also, the other day i think i found something that i might want to do with my life [for a while] and things. its the first thing that has caught my interest in forever, so im kindof excited about it, but maybe ill be horrible at it. and ive been assured that its hard. so i dont know. but maybe.! details to come when i have more details to give.
also, im coming to jackson in like a week or something., so if youre there still, we should hang out. im not actually planning on sleeping when im there, so i have time to 1) see everyone i want to see and 2) eat everywhere i want to eat. it will be fun.
so much to say.
also, there are some new darkchocolate m&ms available that are simply exquisite, as far as m&ms go. they come highly reccommended by me. i think im addicted.
and: the second.
i dont actually know whats going on here. but thats not a surprise, i think.
currently playing: simon and garfunkel // tales from new york
Posted 9/25/2006 9:48 PM -
there is something about fall that makes me want to listen to simon and garfunkel. im not sure what it is about them: they're just perfect for the weather and the everything, you know? i cant really think of an occassion for which they would not be the perfect soundtrack: theyre honest, and sexy and depressing and curious and so happy and they just make you want to sing along. its weird how music reminds me so much of some things. i was digging through the cds last week to find the S&G and i found a few cds that i just remembered being so good, and i said hey, i should listen to those. but i did, and they just reminded me so much of places where i am not and feelings and situations that are not the feelings and situations of the moment, that even though its good music, i just had no desire to listen to it. bleh. but then, i found the S&G and then i found fall out boy [and the killers, and jimmy eat world and the shins and weezer and stuff] and my cd player and i have had a very happy week. thats fall music if ive ever heard it. and its happy.
there are so many freaking squirrels in my yard at any one time, that i wouldnt even feel bad about running over some of them. normally i would, but its just getting ridiculous. and also, the other day, i thought i saw a mouse when i was walking into my house. and i admit: i screamed. because, i am terribly, ridiculously afraid of mice, and if it actually had been a mouse, i would have actually moved out of my house. the end. but it turned out to just be a chipmunk, so i am still living in my house.
i was thinking about hands the other day, because i really like hands. hands are important, and i like people with good hands and i want to have good hands myself. but theres this girl in my class and she has those kind of manicured nails that are really long and fancy and each nail has some crazily intricate design on it. and i just really dont understand the practicality of this. ooh, and get this: the really crazy ones plan for their nails to match what they will be wearing and things. and i just have issues with that. i mean, who the freaking heck is coordinated enough to tell the manicurist what to do to you nails so they match what you will wear 6 days from now? [unless its specified dress, like a wedding where you already know these kinds of things.] goodness, im lucky if i know what im wearing when i walk out the door. but anyway, so these women have these crazy long designed on the nails and then they cant move or write or type or clean or touch anything except for their lipliner and figi water. and why on earth would you pay that much to not be able to move your hands that much.
and i dont know, it may just be that ive never had a really good manicure and so i dont know quite what im missing, but i still think that the women have the most beautiful hands when they are normal looking, but pretty and well-cared for, you know? same with boys. good boy hands are ones that are strong, and used for things and stuff. not that idle hands are a devils playground, exactly, but something.
i still maintain the opinion that balance is terribly important, but im often finding that a hard line to find. there are so many things that seem like complete opposites:
contentment v. living a full life
doing whats right v. doing whats fun
idealistic things v. realistic things
fashion v. comfort
being loved v. serving
i dont know how to balance these things. and other things too, but i forget what they are. i guess thats the beauty of english-majoring: at least i can give them a name
im finding out that a lot of things are not only an exercises in loving people, but also there are many exercises in being loved. and that is harder than it seems, sometimes.
sometimes, i wish that i could be a conglomeration of everyone i like. and sometimes i wish you were a different conglomeration of everyone else i like, too. but no. we are who we are, and its dumb to ask for different.
the gospel is real [surprisingly enough, i think.]
tonight i learned to read a different language. it was a modified arabic script.
this is what i learned to read:
my tie.
i tie my tie.
i might tie my tie.
i might tie my tie too tight.
i dont think im good at learning to read in completely foreign languages. i kept using my english and i was just repeating in my head over and again while i was learning it: see dick. see dick and jane. see dick and jane run. see dick and jane run fast. but either way, it was pretty weird.
also, the other day i think i found something that i might want to do with my life [for a while] and things. its the first thing that has caught my interest in forever, so im kindof excited about it, but maybe ill be horrible at it. and ive been assured that its hard. so i dont know. but maybe.! details to come when i have more details to give.
also, im coming to jackson in like a week or something., so if youre there still, we should hang out. im not actually planning on sleeping when im there, so i have time to 1) see everyone i want to see and 2) eat everywhere i want to eat. it will be fun.
so much to say.
also, there are some new darkchocolate m&ms available that are simply exquisite, as far as m&ms go. they come highly reccommended by me. i think im addicted.
and: the second.
i dont actually know whats going on here. but thats not a surprise, i think.
currently playing: simon and garfunkel // tales from new york
Posted 9/25/2006 9:48 PM -
Friday, November 16, 2007
and then, my car broke.
::: right now, i have all matching hangers. white plastic, walmart. they cost like 4 cents. and most everyone i know has generally the same. i want to know when and how you get to the point where you cease to have matching hangers in life. i mean, how does that even happen? if i get to that point, i will be sad. im not too organized or anything, but the white hangers are something i can count on. :::
and then, just like that, i left them. i didnt think i was going to have room in my car [it was so full, sososo full.] and i put them in a trash bag and gave them away because i didnt think they would fit. the trouble is now, of course, i think they might have. there was nothing inside my trashcan [golly, i love my trashcan.] and i think they would have fit inside of it just perfectly. or at least perfectly enough to get home. but i didnt think i needed them; i thought that they were just hangers. i could get new hangers. it could be this great symbolic gesture or something. i dont know what i was thinking, actually.
needless to say, in about 5 minutes of driving, i suddenly realized that i was crazydumb for getting rid of them, and i want them back. im working on getting them back right now. i dont know what it is, really, cause i could go right now to walmart and get some that are exactly completely the same, but theres something about those. they are mine, and i want those. i imagine i sound like a 2-year-old about something so completely dumb as hangers, but there it is. i am traditional, maybe, if not sentimental, no matter how much i try to avoid that particular flaw.
and then my car broke. in st. louis. thankfully, happily, awkwardly, unconventionally [and probably even providentially], its fixed. [there are some things you can only laugh about, and this was one of them. but i dont even think it was really funny.] and when i was there, we went to the zoo. i got sooo sunburned, rode the train, and saw like 1000 animals, except for the lions. he was noooooowhere to be found, so i think he escaped. and also, the kangaroo wouldnt even hop one bit. i saw giraffes too, and we stood soo close to them. i was almost as tall as the newborn giraffe, and the grown ones are the tallest things ever. it was amazing. you can tell the girl elephants from the boy because they have bigger hips for real, which is funny, [among other reasons too, like males have tusks and girls dont. we were walking behind a couple of 6th grade [or so] boys near the asian elephant display [the african elephants were nowhere to be found either, but i dont think they were supposed to be there, unlike the lions, who were lost.] and the one boy wanted to know if the asian elephants had slanty eyes. ah. all those kids at the zoo were mostly cute and funny with all the animals, but i think 6th grade boys are something else, but also funny. so, you know.
the absolute weirdest thing i saw though was the giant anteater. ive heard about anteaters for all my life [born in texas, relatives are still there and everything.] and you just hear about anteaters. but this was the weirdest looking thing ive probably ever seen. it looked like an R.O.U.S. and the tail looked like it came from yankee doodle. it was insane, and i could not get over it. still cant.
and i like ducks. but if i were a bird, i dont know which one i would be. its hard to say.
what made me unhappiest of all [well, really the only thing that made me unhappy. the zoo is a happy place.] is all of these signs all over the zoo all about the endangered species, and thats okay. i mean, i have nothing against the endangered species, but i was just thinking of all of the people that die and stuff everyday. and they are doing so much to make sure that children know that some weirdo warthog or something might be going extinct, but they didnt say anything about the all the children that are dying everyday in africa. and i realize that its not the zoo's job to take up humanitarian causes, but i just thought those priorities were a little misplaced, or so.
books on tape are a marvelous invention. it occured to me that i dont acually know how to write a cover letter, and i need to learn. i have a drastic poem revision in my head, but it hasnt come to anything useful yet. you know, ive only been home for maybe 28 hours and already ive had to tell people that im not going to be a teacher, and that i dont know what im doing, but maybe sometimes i know where commas go and i can sometimes write a poem. its depressing. poetry is not highly valued, really, which makes the prospects of things a little dreary. but if there were two classes that i was super glad i took this semester it was 1) poetry and 2) reading out loud class. i was reading a wrinkle in time to my sisters tonight, which is lovely anyway, but i felt rather confident in doing the voices and such. and the best thing is, you dont even have to be drastic to do that, just a little change does the trick for simple reading out loud. performing is different, of course. but its so much fun! reading outloud is lovely [when you dont trip over all the words] and being read to is lovely, it makes you hear [no pun intended] things in a completely different way.
anyway, one of the quotes in the book i was listening to on the way home said something like "you know, we're all crazy. everybody. and we flatter ourselves to think we are the only ones who are crazy." and sometimes, i believe that[!] but sometimes, i wish people would be a little more crazy. just so i dont think im not the only one. maybe its just that the crazy people all live in different towns, and mostly just normal people live here, but i dont know. i think my parents think im crazy for wanting crazier people to talk to, but its something i cant quite explain. and there i am flattering myself, thinking that im crazier [in whatever sense of the word that i am, im not sure.] than everyone here. and im sure thats not acually the case, because it cant be the case. and then i feel all dumb and completely irrationally not to mention unnecessarily arrogant i wish i was 834 smidgins more insighful into the human psyche.
for like the 19834123 time, it seems like i had something else i was going to say, but i forget what else, except for now its time to unpack, and try to get even almost settled. i have all these ridiculous goals: do pilates or something / lose 6 pounds. subscribe to magazines that will remind/inspire me. read a million books. organize. simplify. pray. find something to wear. be able to paint the nails on my right hand as easily as i can the ones on my left. brush up on my spanish--as in be able to hold a real live conversation with someone. learn enough french to get by if i went to paris. remember how to cook. get my resume and portfolio in order. invest in some handkerchiefs. get my hangers back. buy manilla envelopes and stamps. buy some scotch tape. goodness knows i need it.
i feel like i should do something useful, and have big, important goals: change the world or something. then again, i know about commas and poems. so, nevermind. silly goals it will be then. and then if.and.or.when i manage to do something not absolutely ridiculously silly, it will be a surprise. a happy one. and who doesnt like surprises?
currently reading: she's come undone / wally lamb [audio books]
Posted 5/23/2006 11:26 AM
and then, just like that, i left them. i didnt think i was going to have room in my car [it was so full, sososo full.] and i put them in a trash bag and gave them away because i didnt think they would fit. the trouble is now, of course, i think they might have. there was nothing inside my trashcan [golly, i love my trashcan.] and i think they would have fit inside of it just perfectly. or at least perfectly enough to get home. but i didnt think i needed them; i thought that they were just hangers. i could get new hangers. it could be this great symbolic gesture or something. i dont know what i was thinking, actually.
needless to say, in about 5 minutes of driving, i suddenly realized that i was crazydumb for getting rid of them, and i want them back. im working on getting them back right now. i dont know what it is, really, cause i could go right now to walmart and get some that are exactly completely the same, but theres something about those. they are mine, and i want those. i imagine i sound like a 2-year-old about something so completely dumb as hangers, but there it is. i am traditional, maybe, if not sentimental, no matter how much i try to avoid that particular flaw.
and then my car broke. in st. louis. thankfully, happily, awkwardly, unconventionally [and probably even providentially], its fixed. [there are some things you can only laugh about, and this was one of them. but i dont even think it was really funny.] and when i was there, we went to the zoo. i got sooo sunburned, rode the train, and saw like 1000 animals, except for the lions. he was noooooowhere to be found, so i think he escaped. and also, the kangaroo wouldnt even hop one bit. i saw giraffes too, and we stood soo close to them. i was almost as tall as the newborn giraffe, and the grown ones are the tallest things ever. it was amazing. you can tell the girl elephants from the boy because they have bigger hips for real, which is funny, [among other reasons too, like males have tusks and girls dont. we were walking behind a couple of 6th grade [or so] boys near the asian elephant display [the african elephants were nowhere to be found either, but i dont think they were supposed to be there, unlike the lions, who were lost.] and the one boy wanted to know if the asian elephants had slanty eyes. ah. all those kids at the zoo were mostly cute and funny with all the animals, but i think 6th grade boys are something else, but also funny. so, you know.
the absolute weirdest thing i saw though was the giant anteater. ive heard about anteaters for all my life [born in texas, relatives are still there and everything.] and you just hear about anteaters. but this was the weirdest looking thing ive probably ever seen. it looked like an R.O.U.S. and the tail looked like it came from yankee doodle. it was insane, and i could not get over it. still cant.
and i like ducks. but if i were a bird, i dont know which one i would be. its hard to say.
what made me unhappiest of all [well, really the only thing that made me unhappy. the zoo is a happy place.] is all of these signs all over the zoo all about the endangered species, and thats okay. i mean, i have nothing against the endangered species, but i was just thinking of all of the people that die and stuff everyday. and they are doing so much to make sure that children know that some weirdo warthog or something might be going extinct, but they didnt say anything about the all the children that are dying everyday in africa. and i realize that its not the zoo's job to take up humanitarian causes, but i just thought those priorities were a little misplaced, or so.
books on tape are a marvelous invention. it occured to me that i dont acually know how to write a cover letter, and i need to learn. i have a drastic poem revision in my head, but it hasnt come to anything useful yet. you know, ive only been home for maybe 28 hours and already ive had to tell people that im not going to be a teacher, and that i dont know what im doing, but maybe sometimes i know where commas go and i can sometimes write a poem. its depressing. poetry is not highly valued, really, which makes the prospects of things a little dreary. but if there were two classes that i was super glad i took this semester it was 1) poetry and 2) reading out loud class. i was reading a wrinkle in time to my sisters tonight, which is lovely anyway, but i felt rather confident in doing the voices and such. and the best thing is, you dont even have to be drastic to do that, just a little change does the trick for simple reading out loud. performing is different, of course. but its so much fun! reading outloud is lovely [when you dont trip over all the words] and being read to is lovely, it makes you hear [no pun intended] things in a completely different way.
anyway, one of the quotes in the book i was listening to on the way home said something like "you know, we're all crazy. everybody. and we flatter ourselves to think we are the only ones who are crazy." and sometimes, i believe that[!] but sometimes, i wish people would be a little more crazy. just so i dont think im not the only one. maybe its just that the crazy people all live in different towns, and mostly just normal people live here, but i dont know. i think my parents think im crazy for wanting crazier people to talk to, but its something i cant quite explain. and there i am flattering myself, thinking that im crazier [in whatever sense of the word that i am, im not sure.] than everyone here. and im sure thats not acually the case, because it cant be the case. and then i feel all dumb and completely irrationally not to mention unnecessarily arrogant i wish i was 834 smidgins more insighful into the human psyche.
for like the 19834123 time, it seems like i had something else i was going to say, but i forget what else, except for now its time to unpack, and try to get even almost settled. i have all these ridiculous goals: do pilates or something / lose 6 pounds. subscribe to magazines that will remind/inspire me. read a million books. organize. simplify. pray. find something to wear. be able to paint the nails on my right hand as easily as i can the ones on my left. brush up on my spanish--as in be able to hold a real live conversation with someone. learn enough french to get by if i went to paris. remember how to cook. get my resume and portfolio in order. invest in some handkerchiefs. get my hangers back. buy manilla envelopes and stamps. buy some scotch tape. goodness knows i need it.
i feel like i should do something useful, and have big, important goals: change the world or something. then again, i know about commas and poems. so, nevermind. silly goals it will be then. and then if.and.or.when i manage to do something not absolutely ridiculously silly, it will be a surprise. a happy one. and who doesnt like surprises?
currently reading: she's come undone / wally lamb [audio books]
Posted 5/23/2006 11:26 AM
Monday, October 22, 2007
mmmmkay.
isnt it a nice feeling on the first afternoon of break? that i made it--i think[?] and then you do something lovely or really just anything that isnt what you are trying to escape from just to prove to yourself that you really did make it, and you remember that you did, and you are happy. now if i can just make it through the rest of everything, which i might not, i suppose. i would almost rather not, it would be rather tragically romantic, wouldnt it? but actually, its because then i have to do something after it, and heaven knows what that is. i suppose its kindof like on big fish, which i watched yesterday: it would be a little helpful to know how you die because then you would know that you could make it though everything else. but we dont have that luxury, so we just have to trust.
------------------------
here is a question about microwaves: if you want something to cook for 98 seconds, when you type that in, does it automatically make it into 1min38seconds? or does it understand 98 seconds? is this universal on all microwaves? i would try it on ours, but it seems to be in a rather perilous state, lately.
and also, if january is waffle time, march is granola bar time. the fudge-dipped chocolate chip kind. which totally defeats the point of the granola, but o well!
---------------------------
i am packing right now for spring break. tomorrow at eight in the morning, my family and i will leave for florida. since it is fiveishoclock in the morning right now, i will probably not go to sleep, and then sleep for nine hours in the car tomorrow. it will be fun.
i decided that one of the reasons i am not a good packer is because i allow for entirely too many possibilities, and also, i overestimate. for example, right now im thinking things like "sure, i can read 12 books, and write a thesis this week, no problem." and "probably all of this unexpected stuff will happen, so i should pack something to wear for every occassion, plus the regular stuff" but probably nothing will happen, and i will wear jeans and tshirts the whole time, and i sure as heck wont get 12 books read, maybe just one and a half or 4. but what can i do but bring them anyway? just in case? maybe,maybe,maybe.
-----------------------------------
speaking of books:
i cant decide if i should write in books or not. elisabeth elliot doesnt, and she carries some weight. she is why i currently dont, actually. but lots and lots of people, do. and lots and lots of people carry weight too. i like the idea of not marking up my books, so i get new things out of them every time i read them. but i also see the importance and necessity of writing everything down. so i dont know. i think my favored option at this moment in time is to write the notes on paper, and then stick them in the back of the book. best of both worlds, maybe?
if you write/publish just one book, but its really awful, does that make you an author?
and why is it that people insist on putting things like "the rhetoric and poetics of aristotle" or cicero or plato for their favorite books?! this could only mean 3 things: 1) they are so poorly read that they dont know anything better. and i know that those guys are terribly important in the world, and they probably changed the shape of world history and all of that, but really. there are some other really amazing things to read that dont cause you to fall asleep after the first 3 paragraphs. and why they picked those to read if they werent going to read anything else, i dont know. 2) so, if they have read everything else, and those really are their favorites: this means they are really boring.[!] or ought to be the president of MENSA or something. i dont know. probably both. and 3) they really dont like these books, and maybe they havent even made it through them yet, but they think people will think they are smart and cool if those are their "favorites." and thats just pathetic. and ridiculous. [note to self: write down thoughts about imperfection very soon. this is important.]
or maybe they really like them? its always a possibility, however vague, i guess. hrm.
---------------------------
also, i want to know about ideas: are they person-specific? like if thomas jefferson didnt manage to invent the lightbulb for whatever reason, would someone else have done it eventually, because we were destined to have lightbulbs around? or would we just never have had them, and they would have altered the course of history, or whatnot.
and if adam and eve had never sinned, would someone else have instead?
i was thinking about ernest hemingway the other day, and hes very sexy of course, but how awful it would be to be the "lost generation." awful in the big romantic way, you know. they were totally encompassed by 2 huge wars, and a nearly international depression [i think?] and stuff, and then they set themselves in paris, where the town itself and the culture and history is nearly overpowering,especially back then. and then all of your accomplishments and friends and thoughts and possessions would just be gone. like all of ours will be, but they get the title. and ours is more individual. theirs was a whole generation, and therefore more tragic. [which im sure is a wrong mindset for me to have. if hitler only killed one jew, it would still be tragical. well, im not sure. hrm. 6 million-plus might be even more tragical. hard to say.] so perhaps thats why they wrote--to remember. there is a lot to remember. and a lot to know, and see and learn and appreciate and love.
and heres something else: i realize that everyone is special, and made in the image of God, and we have intrinsic worth and all of that. so: why, then, can some people turn albert einstein and mother teresa and others like them, and some people turn into hitler or child molestors or something? and how come the rest of us are just normal, average people? is it circumstances, or training, or just whats inside of you? and how come some people are interesting, and some people you want to be bestest friends with, and some people you just dont? why are some people boring? i mean, at least theoritically, everyone should be interesting, at least a little. so i dont know.
but it is nice to be reminded about why we need each other.
and isnt it wonderful how we take things from each other: an idea from a presentation, a joke from an aquaintence, a laugh from someone down the hall, a book, the music in the background, a conversation with a friend, a prayer at a meal, a hug. and we take these things, and just let them be a part of us and its ours--like little presents for us everyday--and then it just joins into us and becomes part of who we are and we are bigger and better or maybe even worse for it. its so cool.
--------------------------
ive been listening to this:
moon river, wider than a mile, im crossing you in style
someday. o dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going, im going your way. two
drifters off to see the world.
theres such a lot of world to see.
we're after the same rainbows end, waitin' 'round the
bend. my huckleberry friend, moon river and me.
mmm. what more is there to say? [until tomorrow, or something]
Posted 3/20/2006 5:36 AM
------------------------
here is a question about microwaves: if you want something to cook for 98 seconds, when you type that in, does it automatically make it into 1min38seconds? or does it understand 98 seconds? is this universal on all microwaves? i would try it on ours, but it seems to be in a rather perilous state, lately.
and also, if january is waffle time, march is granola bar time. the fudge-dipped chocolate chip kind. which totally defeats the point of the granola, but o well!
---------------------------
i am packing right now for spring break. tomorrow at eight in the morning, my family and i will leave for florida. since it is fiveishoclock in the morning right now, i will probably not go to sleep, and then sleep for nine hours in the car tomorrow. it will be fun.
i decided that one of the reasons i am not a good packer is because i allow for entirely too many possibilities, and also, i overestimate. for example, right now im thinking things like "sure, i can read 12 books, and write a thesis this week, no problem." and "probably all of this unexpected stuff will happen, so i should pack something to wear for every occassion, plus the regular stuff" but probably nothing will happen, and i will wear jeans and tshirts the whole time, and i sure as heck wont get 12 books read, maybe just one and a half or 4. but what can i do but bring them anyway? just in case? maybe,maybe,maybe.
-----------------------------------
speaking of books:
i cant decide if i should write in books or not. elisabeth elliot doesnt, and she carries some weight. she is why i currently dont, actually. but lots and lots of people, do. and lots and lots of people carry weight too. i like the idea of not marking up my books, so i get new things out of them every time i read them. but i also see the importance and necessity of writing everything down. so i dont know. i think my favored option at this moment in time is to write the notes on paper, and then stick them in the back of the book. best of both worlds, maybe?
if you write/publish just one book, but its really awful, does that make you an author?
and why is it that people insist on putting things like "the rhetoric and poetics of aristotle" or cicero or plato for their favorite books?! this could only mean 3 things: 1) they are so poorly read that they dont know anything better. and i know that those guys are terribly important in the world, and they probably changed the shape of world history and all of that, but really. there are some other really amazing things to read that dont cause you to fall asleep after the first 3 paragraphs. and why they picked those to read if they werent going to read anything else, i dont know. 2) so, if they have read everything else, and those really are their favorites: this means they are really boring.[!] or ought to be the president of MENSA or something. i dont know. probably both. and 3) they really dont like these books, and maybe they havent even made it through them yet, but they think people will think they are smart and cool if those are their "favorites." and thats just pathetic. and ridiculous. [note to self: write down thoughts about imperfection very soon. this is important.]
or maybe they really like them? its always a possibility, however vague, i guess. hrm.
---------------------------
also, i want to know about ideas: are they person-specific? like if thomas jefferson didnt manage to invent the lightbulb for whatever reason, would someone else have done it eventually, because we were destined to have lightbulbs around? or would we just never have had them, and they would have altered the course of history, or whatnot.
and if adam and eve had never sinned, would someone else have instead?
i was thinking about ernest hemingway the other day, and hes very sexy of course, but how awful it would be to be the "lost generation." awful in the big romantic way, you know. they were totally encompassed by 2 huge wars, and a nearly international depression [i think?] and stuff, and then they set themselves in paris, where the town itself and the culture and history is nearly overpowering,especially back then. and then all of your accomplishments and friends and thoughts and possessions would just be gone. like all of ours will be, but they get the title. and ours is more individual. theirs was a whole generation, and therefore more tragic. [which im sure is a wrong mindset for me to have. if hitler only killed one jew, it would still be tragical. well, im not sure. hrm. 6 million-plus might be even more tragical. hard to say.] so perhaps thats why they wrote--to remember. there is a lot to remember. and a lot to know, and see and learn and appreciate and love.
and heres something else: i realize that everyone is special, and made in the image of God, and we have intrinsic worth and all of that. so: why, then, can some people turn albert einstein and mother teresa and others like them, and some people turn into hitler or child molestors or something? and how come the rest of us are just normal, average people? is it circumstances, or training, or just whats inside of you? and how come some people are interesting, and some people you want to be bestest friends with, and some people you just dont? why are some people boring? i mean, at least theoritically, everyone should be interesting, at least a little. so i dont know.
but it is nice to be reminded about why we need each other.
and isnt it wonderful how we take things from each other: an idea from a presentation, a joke from an aquaintence, a laugh from someone down the hall, a book, the music in the background, a conversation with a friend, a prayer at a meal, a hug. and we take these things, and just let them be a part of us and its ours--like little presents for us everyday--and then it just joins into us and becomes part of who we are and we are bigger and better or maybe even worse for it. its so cool.
--------------------------
ive been listening to this:
moon river, wider than a mile, im crossing you in style
someday. o dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going, im going your way. two
drifters off to see the world.
theres such a lot of world to see.
we're after the same rainbows end, waitin' 'round the
bend. my huckleberry friend, moon river and me.
mmm. what more is there to say? [until tomorrow, or something]
Posted 3/20/2006 5:36 AM
heres something new:
heres something new: i think my official favorite boy spot is officially open. and that is sooo crazy, because that hasnt even happened for about 2 years or something, and i dont know why its happening now, except i just woke up on tuesday morning and whatever weirdo thing in my head that told me the first favorite boy [we will call him A]was the favorite boy told me that he wasnt quite the absolute favorite anymore. that boy is still in the top 3ish, but i dont know. see, its all a mess. this other boy [who used to be favorite number 3; we'll call him B] probably moved up a few notches. to maybe about 1.5. [but he is not the number one favorite boy; he is simply not first. hes 1.5] but B my second favorite person with that name. and then A, the previous number 1 favorite, is about 3/4 of the way behind that boy, but theres another boy [C] that might be an almost favorite, and theres another one thats another almost favorite too. and C about half behind B, but about 2/3 ahead of A. and i dont know where D is, really. if someone can tell me how that all works out cause i dont know, you can be the favorite boy [or girl] for like an hour or 5 hours or something [well, actually, time for favorite girls is rarely, if ever, limited. once youre that, you pretty much are that forever]. and being the favorite boy for long times doesnt happen very often; favorite boys for 5 minutes are more likely, you know. its all very confusing, however [!], im not even very worried about it, cause probably in about 2 days or something, ill probably wake up and figure it out. cause those things just come to me, i think. lucky for me--cause how could i decide something so important as the favorite boy list? too much pressure. its nicer this way, when i dont decide it by myself. and i know it sounds crazy, but it happens like that with some things. like when i write stuff sometimes, and stuff. i dont know. maybe ill give up favorite boys altogether. but i dont think thats a good idea. i think one of my favorite places at night is also terribly frusterating. i think the middle of missouri, rather close to the mississippi river, has some of the prettiest stars ever cause they are visible, and you can see them sovery well. but i can neverever see them because if im in the middle of missouri near the mississippi river, im driving. and its not very safe to look at stars and drive, you know. so someday, when i have nothing to do, i think ill just drive out there, and sit and look at them. cause theres so many more than here. although, it does seem like a shame to go look without knowing what they all are. i need to learn my constallations most likely. i dont know why they dont teach you those things in school. it seems like a perfectly useless thing to know, which is what they usually teach you, but it would be very lovely to know them all. the thing about them is that all the stars look the same sometimes, so its hard to tell. but i do know about 3 of them. maybe ill work on learning the rest. one time, somebody tried to point out that "hey, those 3 stars up there make a triangle." i laughed at that one. heh, work on learning constillations and all my other 48324987342 resolutions. i have far too many. i always overwhelm myself with goals, and then never do any of them. its a problem. here are some: to not waste time. to learn to dance. to be published somewhere besides lifeway sometime. to be more disciplined. to read a lot of things. to pray more. to love more. to stand up straight. to have prettier hands. to eat healthy. to remain organized for more than 10 minutes in a row. to laugh. to talk. to be outside more. to live. to grow. and ever so many more.i dont want to be ugly when i grow up. and i mean that in the most superficial and the deepest way possible, and also in neither of those ways. well, i dont really know what i mean. you know. but i am content with me, when all is said and done, i think. at least sortof. not content in the finished sense, but in the other kind, where you feel like things are how they should be at this moment. and in a minute things can change, and you will cry or laugh or who knows what, and you will grow and go backward a little and you might be different tomorrow, but maybe not and its all ok. and things are good. and they will be tomorrow, too, because He is good. and there are things to be done [!], and im ready to do them. or im ready to try, anyway, i think. and im only a little scared. im ready to go places, and only some of those places are literal.
tomorrow:
i plan to buy a chair.
and i will be happy.
and i will read some books.
and write a poem, and maybe even work.
hopefully.
and i will listen to good music, and i will dance, just a little.
and maybe-hopefully i will get some tacobell and hotfudge.
and i will leave my window open, even at night.
and i will, perhaps, find a constallation chart.
and things will be good.
Posted 1/4/2006 5:03 PM
tomorrow:
i plan to buy a chair.
and i will be happy.
and i will read some books.
and write a poem, and maybe even work.
hopefully.
and i will listen to good music, and i will dance, just a little.
and maybe-hopefully i will get some tacobell and hotfudge.
and i will leave my window open, even at night.
and i will, perhaps, find a constallation chart.
and things will be good.
Posted 1/4/2006 5:03 PM
Saturday, October 13, 2007
speaking of confessions:
emily: (reads on the cover of my newly aquired mass book:) PROPERTY OF ST.
MARY'S. DO NOT REMOVE. she decides that i stole it and deserve at
least purgatory, if not hell. "julie you stole from the church. the church. the
catholic church like with capital letters.[!!!]
me: "wow, so i pretty much just "stole" from the pope himself?"
emily: "no, more like the archbishop. but the point is that you still stole from the
Catholic Church!"
me: "no, no, i didnt. cause i didnt actually steal it. its more like i flirted with the monk and
he gave it to me."
so, yes. im the proud owner of a 2005 mass/prayer/hymnal book. its blue, in case anyone was wondering.[i guess i should clarify: i didnt flirt too much, and it is the last week of the liturgical year, so they didnt need them anymore. i didnt actually know they had new mass every year, i thought it was the same for like ages and ages and ages. but whatever.] after mass was over, lori and i had to go right over to the bookstore and sit down and read "catholicism for dummies" so we could finally figure out what we just sat through. but it was terribly interesting, nevertheless, but i dont think im going to convert. pretty sure. and the boy that i found while we were actually at mass was no help whatsoever, really, except that he told us how to get blessed instead of take the eucharist, because we arent allowed to anyway. [i think im developing a knack for finding useful men, which is a useful skill: terry the mechanic, the highway boys, the free-donut-men, the state troopers at quizno's, the kroger guy [but not steve, i miss steve], the cute blond boy at mass, [protestant] church boys, the movie-fixer man, the fazoli's boy, tornado boy, the monk. its like my grandmotherly women at places, and i love them muchly too, except for they are usually confined to the grocery store. i talk to the women in the grocery store, so they dont get place names, they get food names: the butter lady, the potato lady, the bridal-shower-cake-convention [there were about 6 ladies in on that one], the crazy check-out lady, and things like that. except i do have a jewlry store girl, and the dressing room ladies[!]. these people make me happy. also: one of the funniest things straight up that my father has ever said to me was one time when my car was broken and i was worried cause i had no one to help me figure out what to do, and i was unsure about talking to the car-shop boys cause i thought they wouldnt help me. so i call dad and expressed these concerns and he said something to the effect of "julie. goodness. just go in there and look pretty and helpless and smile at the boys. they will help you." i laughed my head off about that one; i dont think things really work like that too much. maybe a smidgin, but not too much. and even if they do, fathers certainly should not be the ones to tell you to make use of it.
[ im afraid that im talking too much about catholic sorts of things lately, and i probably will keep doing it mostly, but i cant help it. Mama T. really is consuming very much of my thought time and the regular time. but its ok, cause she is precious. but catholic stuff might be talked about a lot for the next 2 weeks. it was interesting though, cause i kept thinking during mass last night about how this or that was a "very protestant thing to do," and today during church i kept thinking, "well, that was super catholic." so that was pretty weird.
and also: i promise all of this is related in my head. somehow.]
also, i dont know how babies noses work. i mean, i assume [even though you know what happens about that] they work just like everyone elses [with the exception of the gut-sucker-upper, which is what i called it cause i never knew its real name--you know, the bulb thing you stick in babies noses when they are stuffy? right, im glad grown-ups dont have those] i was holding a baby [and such a precious one!] last week and it made me happy, but i still dont want one, but i decided that all babies have the same type of little button noses. and i dont know how that even works. and ive been watching babies noses ever since then and they all have the cutest noses, but they are all just the same. but the really weird thing is that when you grow up, everyone has a different nose. like: i look just like i did when i was little. except for my nose [well, and size and weight and more hair and stuff. but otherwise, just the same]. its really confusing.
and also: its nice how when suddenly there is are holes that seem osoempty, and you are sad because you dont know how on earth you are going to be able to fill them, and they look like something out of star trek, and thast sortof depressing, and vast, and then suddenly, the holes are filled holes with new things and its just the same, and usually, in my experience its better, really [!] and if you dont think about it, you would never know the difference.
"there is a nothingness that will be filled with a new and expanding fruitfulness."
from class notes for test: "the opposite of all beauty is indifference" and "love is a force. love will flip over a table." yes, in someone's world anyway. in my world, at least today, and at this moment, both of those things are true and they make me want to eat chicken and macandcheese and peas and brownies, and pass my tests, and sleep, and write a novel and go walk around town some more. [i lovelovelove jsut walking around to different stores and looking at things and stuff like that. i would call it by its proper name--piddling-- but people made fun of me for that once. so now i just call it running around town. and it makes me osohappy. its probably one of the most relaxing things ever, because the trick is to go all the best and most interesting places, and not stay long enough to get tired.] also, i want to talk to people that i want to talk to, and make it until thanksgiving. [givethanksgive thanks].
and im kidding about the novel, but i'd settle for a poem, or a paper.
there are things worse than dying [apparently.]
[im doubtful and drowsy and ready to sleep
let the morningtime drop all of its petals on me.
life, i love you, all is groovy.
currently playing: tales from new york / simon and garfunkel]
Posted 11/20/2005 7:19 PM -
MARY'S. DO NOT REMOVE. she decides that i stole it and deserve at
least purgatory, if not hell. "julie you stole from the church. the church. the
catholic church like with capital letters.[!!!]
me: "wow, so i pretty much just "stole" from the pope himself?"
emily: "no, more like the archbishop. but the point is that you still stole from the
Catholic Church!"
me: "no, no, i didnt. cause i didnt actually steal it. its more like i flirted with the monk and
he gave it to me."
so, yes. im the proud owner of a 2005 mass/prayer/hymnal book. its blue, in case anyone was wondering.[i guess i should clarify: i didnt flirt too much, and it is the last week of the liturgical year, so they didnt need them anymore. i didnt actually know they had new mass every year, i thought it was the same for like ages and ages and ages. but whatever.] after mass was over, lori and i had to go right over to the bookstore and sit down and read "catholicism for dummies" so we could finally figure out what we just sat through. but it was terribly interesting, nevertheless, but i dont think im going to convert. pretty sure. and the boy that i found while we were actually at mass was no help whatsoever, really, except that he told us how to get blessed instead of take the eucharist, because we arent allowed to anyway. [i think im developing a knack for finding useful men, which is a useful skill: terry the mechanic, the highway boys, the free-donut-men, the state troopers at quizno's, the kroger guy [but not steve, i miss steve], the cute blond boy at mass, [protestant] church boys, the movie-fixer man, the fazoli's boy, tornado boy, the monk. its like my grandmotherly women at places, and i love them muchly too, except for they are usually confined to the grocery store. i talk to the women in the grocery store, so they dont get place names, they get food names: the butter lady, the potato lady, the bridal-shower-cake-convention [there were about 6 ladies in on that one], the crazy check-out lady, and things like that. except i do have a jewlry store girl, and the dressing room ladies[!]. these people make me happy. also: one of the funniest things straight up that my father has ever said to me was one time when my car was broken and i was worried cause i had no one to help me figure out what to do, and i was unsure about talking to the car-shop boys cause i thought they wouldnt help me. so i call dad and expressed these concerns and he said something to the effect of "julie. goodness. just go in there and look pretty and helpless and smile at the boys. they will help you." i laughed my head off about that one; i dont think things really work like that too much. maybe a smidgin, but not too much. and even if they do, fathers certainly should not be the ones to tell you to make use of it.
[ im afraid that im talking too much about catholic sorts of things lately, and i probably will keep doing it mostly, but i cant help it. Mama T. really is consuming very much of my thought time and the regular time. but its ok, cause she is precious. but catholic stuff might be talked about a lot for the next 2 weeks. it was interesting though, cause i kept thinking during mass last night about how this or that was a "very protestant thing to do," and today during church i kept thinking, "well, that was super catholic." so that was pretty weird.
and also: i promise all of this is related in my head. somehow.]
also, i dont know how babies noses work. i mean, i assume [even though you know what happens about that] they work just like everyone elses [with the exception of the gut-sucker-upper, which is what i called it cause i never knew its real name--you know, the bulb thing you stick in babies noses when they are stuffy? right, im glad grown-ups dont have those] i was holding a baby [and such a precious one!] last week and it made me happy, but i still dont want one, but i decided that all babies have the same type of little button noses. and i dont know how that even works. and ive been watching babies noses ever since then and they all have the cutest noses, but they are all just the same. but the really weird thing is that when you grow up, everyone has a different nose. like: i look just like i did when i was little. except for my nose [well, and size and weight and more hair and stuff. but otherwise, just the same]. its really confusing.
and also: its nice how when suddenly there is are holes that seem osoempty, and you are sad because you dont know how on earth you are going to be able to fill them, and they look like something out of star trek, and thast sortof depressing, and vast, and then suddenly, the holes are filled holes with new things and its just the same, and usually, in my experience its better, really [!] and if you dont think about it, you would never know the difference.
"there is a nothingness that will be filled with a new and expanding fruitfulness."
from class notes for test: "the opposite of all beauty is indifference" and "love is a force. love will flip over a table." yes, in someone's world anyway. in my world, at least today, and at this moment, both of those things are true and they make me want to eat chicken and macandcheese and peas and brownies, and pass my tests, and sleep, and write a novel and go walk around town some more. [i lovelovelove jsut walking around to different stores and looking at things and stuff like that. i would call it by its proper name--piddling-- but people made fun of me for that once. so now i just call it running around town. and it makes me osohappy. its probably one of the most relaxing things ever, because the trick is to go all the best and most interesting places, and not stay long enough to get tired.] also, i want to talk to people that i want to talk to, and make it until thanksgiving. [givethanksgive thanks].
and im kidding about the novel, but i'd settle for a poem, or a paper.
there are things worse than dying [apparently.]
[im doubtful and drowsy and ready to sleep
let the morningtime drop all of its petals on me.
life, i love you, all is groovy.
currently playing: tales from new york / simon and garfunkel]
Posted 11/20/2005 7:19 PM -
Thursday, September 27, 2007
backwards countdown (or, nashville #1)
oh, marilla, if you only knew how many things i want to say and dont. [!]
i have got to--got to--stop talking my head off. its getting ridiculous. i have been talking my head off in person, and in writing. this weekend alone i wrote 40 pages and only 10 of them were notes from a speaker of any sort. that means i have 30 pages from things in my head, or from other peoples heads, unofficially. gracious: there are so many, many things that i feel like i need to say and document and discuss that i can hardly keep up with myself. its something of a question of my head working faster than my hands. and that makes me a little sad, because who knows how many genius things that ive thought and not written down. this means that i have devoted myself to trying to write down everything i think or hear or anything else, which means i have been carrying around paper a lot. this is cumbersome, but necessary. in fact, i would be rather lost without my notebook right now, and he is the hero for like 7 minutes because i almost forgot it, but he found it. but the point is: i have been feeling the weight of words lately and i feel as though im wasting them, at least sometimes, even though i want to use them more than ever, and also if i did write it down it would take about a year, so heres a list [and even a list in downward order] of the highlights, and i will try to keep the rest of everything inside me for once.
interesting things to think of:
judaism
a linen obelisk/que
aching for an epiphany
writing backwards [!]
wasabi sauce
upstairs windows
insides of other peoples heads
stair well[s]
fufilling dreams
national fads
keywords:
self-out-of-way
listen
balance
do-somethingbe-brave
fragileness
let-someone-else-talk-for-a-while
love
allow-for-growth
muchly wonderful things:
singing
downtown nashville
making art
hanging out & relaxing
dressing up all at once
being cultured
dodgeball
helpful,
encouraging critiques
inspiring media things:
a heartbreaking work of staggering genius
night
lucky magazine
the sermon on the mount [im curious about this]
bird by bird
music. period.
seinfeldsome
quotes from weekend:
-- "no, stupid. there cant be any national fads." "well, what about blue jeans?"
-- "dont ever go 'whats wrong with you?!?'"
-- "im really lazy, so if she asks me to do something that makes me look strong, i usually dont."
-- "i cant help that im taller than you and i have to talk down."
-- "i concur, triumphantly slash abundantly"
-- "dance dance, burn baby burn, all night long, in bed."
generally goodness:
fountains of chocolateness [and bananas]
dancing
unlostness
laughing. a lot.
not being hated [and being taken care of]
boys who tried to kill me:
the DMV bullrider
the waving-non-paying-attention driver
crazy nashville [or bucksnort] men
j.b. on the dodgeball court
everyone should:
maintain eye contact
smell pleasant [like boy or girl, whichever is appropriate]
laugh at jokes
favorite new words:
legislatrix
tautology
genius moment of the night:
figuring out the word game
currently playing [among other things]:sugar we're going down [swinging] // falloutboy [because sugar makes me smile muchly]
Posted 10/16/2005 11:57 PM
i have got to--got to--stop talking my head off. its getting ridiculous. i have been talking my head off in person, and in writing. this weekend alone i wrote 40 pages and only 10 of them were notes from a speaker of any sort. that means i have 30 pages from things in my head, or from other peoples heads, unofficially. gracious: there are so many, many things that i feel like i need to say and document and discuss that i can hardly keep up with myself. its something of a question of my head working faster than my hands. and that makes me a little sad, because who knows how many genius things that ive thought and not written down. this means that i have devoted myself to trying to write down everything i think or hear or anything else, which means i have been carrying around paper a lot. this is cumbersome, but necessary. in fact, i would be rather lost without my notebook right now, and he is the hero for like 7 minutes because i almost forgot it, but he found it. but the point is: i have been feeling the weight of words lately and i feel as though im wasting them, at least sometimes, even though i want to use them more than ever, and also if i did write it down it would take about a year, so heres a list [and even a list in downward order] of the highlights, and i will try to keep the rest of everything inside me for once.
interesting things to think of:
judaism
a linen obelisk/que
aching for an epiphany
writing backwards [!]
wasabi sauce
upstairs windows
insides of other peoples heads
stair well[s]
fufilling dreams
national fads
keywords:
self-out-of-way
listen
balance
do-somethingbe-brave
fragileness
let-someone-else-talk-for-a-while
love
allow-for-growth
muchly wonderful things:
singing
downtown nashville
making art
hanging out & relaxing
dressing up all at once
being cultured
dodgeball
helpful,
encouraging critiques
inspiring media things:
a heartbreaking work of staggering genius
night
lucky magazine
the sermon on the mount [im curious about this]
bird by bird
music. period.
seinfeldsome
quotes from weekend:
-- "no, stupid. there cant be any national fads." "well, what about blue jeans?"
-- "dont ever go 'whats wrong with you?!?'"
-- "im really lazy, so if she asks me to do something that makes me look strong, i usually dont."
-- "i cant help that im taller than you and i have to talk down."
-- "i concur, triumphantly slash abundantly"
-- "dance dance, burn baby burn, all night long, in bed."
generally goodness:
fountains of chocolateness [and bananas]
dancing
unlostness
laughing. a lot.
not being hated [and being taken care of]
boys who tried to kill me:
the DMV bullrider
the waving-non-paying-attention driver
crazy nashville [or bucksnort] men
j.b. on the dodgeball court
everyone should:
maintain eye contact
smell pleasant [like boy or girl, whichever is appropriate]
laugh at jokes
favorite new words:
legislatrix
tautology
genius moment of the night:
figuring out the word game
currently playing [among other things]:sugar we're going down [swinging] // falloutboy [because sugar makes me smile muchly]
Posted 10/16/2005 11:57 PM
9.28.05
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
[its for when you dont know what to say, see, and i dont]
item 1:
my heavens, there are so many items to discuss, even though i have nothing to say, go figure. but i think i have to begin with the handbag, because thats why i am thinking in items today. but anyway, i feel like marypoppins, in one way, and in one way only. but a while back i splurged on this really wonderful handbag but it was for fall, so i havent really gotten to use it until about now. and i have pretty much been totally and completely impressed with it. not only is it pretty, and wonderful, but it also holds a boatload of stuff, without even looking bulgy, which is an accomplishment, let me tell you. but anyway, i feel like marypoppins, because i never know what can fit in my carpetbag, or what may come out of it, and its such a pretty carpetbag purse with a shiny red inside, and it makes me happy.
and last night, at the banquet i had my osopretty pearl-vintage purse.
and im still of the opinion that purse and shoes ought to match, and no white shoes after labor day. even though im not strictly from the south. and the purse and shoes didnt strictly match, but i used the purse anyway, cause i didnt have a better, or a prettier one.
item 2:
i want to know what i do in my sleep. cause last night, i was all dressed up fancy for scholarship banquet, and my makeup was done and all of this. but in the morning, my makeup was practically non-existent [and not because i washed it off, i usually fall asleep before that happens] and my hair was be a mess, even though all i did was lay on it, and i laid on it uncrumpled. so i want to know what i do in my sleep that makes me look gross, even if i go to bed looking pretty. because that thing happens all the time.
item 3:
speaking of pretty, when i get old, i want to wear heels and dresses still, and hats. and maybe ill get eye corrective surgury and so i wont have to wear bifocals or anything either. and also: i think ill wear whatever color of lipstick i want, because my hair will be white probably and that wont clash with anything like red does.
i want to die tired, but thats a hard thing to do, and i think im too tired right now to make it that far. seriously, i cant remember when ive been so sleepy. so im going to try eating and see how that works out for me. maybe it will help.
item 4:
no one actually has to be friends with me when im writing.
i wont be offended if you decide not to talk to me, i promisecrossmyheart.
[just tell me why you arent talking to me, so i know whether i should be offended or not. because if you decide not to talk to me for another reason, i might be sad.]
the other day i was flipping out about something i was working on and i was talking to my father and my best[?] friend seperately and i said: "see, i flip out. i cant write for a living when im grown up."
and they both said: "you are writing, and you are grown up.
scaryscaryscaryscaryscary. for several reasons, really.
and my mother told me to put more of my heart into something, but i told her i couldnt because i left it on page 38 of something i wrote last week.
and i need an editor too, in all the happiest senses of the word.
and also, i think i got a glimpse of sortof how it is to be a real writer. last week all i did was write and write and writewritewritewrite everyday for like hours. and it sucked. and i was a grumpy hungry sleepy mess. and i wrote 30 pages of grossness before i got to something decent and i had to drag the depths of my soul for the next words, just like they would drag the river for dead bodies back in the day. and i was hopinghoping to get something inspiring and beautiful out, but what i got out resembled a corpse, which figures. but i think i made it, but o, how it sucked.
i dont think i can be a writer when i grow up.
item 5:
i went salsa dancing this weeked, and it was muchly fun. i forget how much i love to dance, and i miss ballet too. and salsa just reminds me of the world and everything, and the sweaty lovely pain and beauty of the whole thing. its a very organic, dirty, sexy and realistic experience.
and i would just like to say that it was the first time ive been somewhere without the X on my hand. not that i go to those X places often, but im just saying. what a liberating experience that i did not take advantage of. although, i did dance with some latin men even. and a boy did buy me a drink at the bar, and nevermind it was only some water.
and last night i wore my green dress, and there is something sortof magical about wearing something wonderful like that. it really is a wonderful dress [one of those kind where you feel like audrey hepburn or marylin monroe for real], and im glad i bought it. and i wore heels, of course. ive been in heels a lot lately, because i always say that i want to wear them, but i hardly ever did. but this week i decided to suck it up and just wear them a whole lot. so i wore them dancing, and to church and to class and the banquet [i dont know why i keep calling it that, because i certainly didnt get any food there]. my feet hurt, but i guess it will be worth it. and i might have better legs.
sometimes, it helps things just to look pretty, and know it, as awful and arrogant as that sounds.
item[s] 6:
people are terribly surprising sometimes. i dont know what to think of it.
and im getting on my nerves. and some people are getting on my nerves, too. poor nerves.
and theres an impending debate, and i dont know what to say.
what if there were more seasons and more colors and more time and more days and more than we even know. thats crazy. thats like it would be crazy if our periphrial vision was more than it is right now--there would be so many things that we could see and that would be crazy.
and we had a mouse. and i almost moved out, but we caught it the next morning. and i am terribly glad and im terribly afraid of mice, nevermind that its [supposedly] a completely irrational fear. a girl is allowed to have an irrational fear every once in a while.
and i want to be inspired.
and im talking my head off.
and i proctored a test for the first time. i couldnt find the room and i was almost late.
and i have a story and im editing, la la la.
i am glad for old friends.
but i do not want to be merely put up with.
i like to let the sunshine and the night come in my room. i dont think my blinds have been open enough lately.
im worried that im a horrible person.
and im probably OCD.
and im sad that i never saw new orleans.
the song "what a friend we have in Jesus" is alwaysalways convicting. i need to pray more.
and that im missing out something or other, or that theres something drastically important that im forgetting, but i dont even know what.
item 7:
back in third grade when we thought that supercalifragilisticexpialidocious was the hardest word to spell in the whole world, or almost [who even knows what the hardest word to spell now is,] i always told all the other kids that i knew how to spell it. and they wouldnt believe me, but then i would do it for them, counting on the fact that none of them knew whether i was right or not. and it worked. and they thought i was smart.
but i am very smug right now that i actually did spell it right, according to real sources like dictionary.com, and the internet.
item 8:
[my notes from bobdole:]
[i know the girl whose grandmother was his tailor, until she died. so there.]
-- sometimes, counties have mayors, and i didnt know that.
-- you may be called to make sacrifices, so dont be surprised.
-- we used to have heroes, and you know, we probably still do.
-- take responsibility.
-- roll up your sleeves instead of twidiling your thumbs.
-- be flexible.
-- no use being a damn fool about things.
and i need to remember that, and stuff, i think.
Posted 9/28/2005 3:03 PM
[its for when you dont know what to say, see, and i dont]
item 1:
my heavens, there are so many items to discuss, even though i have nothing to say, go figure. but i think i have to begin with the handbag, because thats why i am thinking in items today. but anyway, i feel like marypoppins, in one way, and in one way only. but a while back i splurged on this really wonderful handbag but it was for fall, so i havent really gotten to use it until about now. and i have pretty much been totally and completely impressed with it. not only is it pretty, and wonderful, but it also holds a boatload of stuff, without even looking bulgy, which is an accomplishment, let me tell you. but anyway, i feel like marypoppins, because i never know what can fit in my carpetbag, or what may come out of it, and its such a pretty carpetbag purse with a shiny red inside, and it makes me happy.
and last night, at the banquet i had my osopretty pearl-vintage purse.
and im still of the opinion that purse and shoes ought to match, and no white shoes after labor day. even though im not strictly from the south. and the purse and shoes didnt strictly match, but i used the purse anyway, cause i didnt have a better, or a prettier one.
item 2:
i want to know what i do in my sleep. cause last night, i was all dressed up fancy for scholarship banquet, and my makeup was done and all of this. but in the morning, my makeup was practically non-existent [and not because i washed it off, i usually fall asleep before that happens] and my hair was be a mess, even though all i did was lay on it, and i laid on it uncrumpled. so i want to know what i do in my sleep that makes me look gross, even if i go to bed looking pretty. because that thing happens all the time.
item 3:
speaking of pretty, when i get old, i want to wear heels and dresses still, and hats. and maybe ill get eye corrective surgury and so i wont have to wear bifocals or anything either. and also: i think ill wear whatever color of lipstick i want, because my hair will be white probably and that wont clash with anything like red does.
i want to die tired, but thats a hard thing to do, and i think im too tired right now to make it that far. seriously, i cant remember when ive been so sleepy. so im going to try eating and see how that works out for me. maybe it will help.
item 4:
no one actually has to be friends with me when im writing.
i wont be offended if you decide not to talk to me, i promisecrossmyheart.
[just tell me why you arent talking to me, so i know whether i should be offended or not. because if you decide not to talk to me for another reason, i might be sad.]
the other day i was flipping out about something i was working on and i was talking to my father and my best[?] friend seperately and i said: "see, i flip out. i cant write for a living when im grown up."
and they both said: "you are writing, and you are grown up.
scaryscaryscaryscaryscary. for several reasons, really.
and my mother told me to put more of my heart into something, but i told her i couldnt because i left it on page 38 of something i wrote last week.
and i need an editor too, in all the happiest senses of the word.
and also, i think i got a glimpse of sortof how it is to be a real writer. last week all i did was write and write and writewritewritewrite everyday for like hours. and it sucked. and i was a grumpy hungry sleepy mess. and i wrote 30 pages of grossness before i got to something decent and i had to drag the depths of my soul for the next words, just like they would drag the river for dead bodies back in the day. and i was hopinghoping to get something inspiring and beautiful out, but what i got out resembled a corpse, which figures. but i think i made it, but o, how it sucked.
i dont think i can be a writer when i grow up.
item 5:
i went salsa dancing this weeked, and it was muchly fun. i forget how much i love to dance, and i miss ballet too. and salsa just reminds me of the world and everything, and the sweaty lovely pain and beauty of the whole thing. its a very organic, dirty, sexy and realistic experience.
and i would just like to say that it was the first time ive been somewhere without the X on my hand. not that i go to those X places often, but im just saying. what a liberating experience that i did not take advantage of. although, i did dance with some latin men even. and a boy did buy me a drink at the bar, and nevermind it was only some water.
and last night i wore my green dress, and there is something sortof magical about wearing something wonderful like that. it really is a wonderful dress [one of those kind where you feel like audrey hepburn or marylin monroe for real], and im glad i bought it. and i wore heels, of course. ive been in heels a lot lately, because i always say that i want to wear them, but i hardly ever did. but this week i decided to suck it up and just wear them a whole lot. so i wore them dancing, and to church and to class and the banquet [i dont know why i keep calling it that, because i certainly didnt get any food there]. my feet hurt, but i guess it will be worth it. and i might have better legs.
sometimes, it helps things just to look pretty, and know it, as awful and arrogant as that sounds.
item[s] 6:
people are terribly surprising sometimes. i dont know what to think of it.
and im getting on my nerves. and some people are getting on my nerves, too. poor nerves.
and theres an impending debate, and i dont know what to say.
what if there were more seasons and more colors and more time and more days and more than we even know. thats crazy. thats like it would be crazy if our periphrial vision was more than it is right now--there would be so many things that we could see and that would be crazy.
and we had a mouse. and i almost moved out, but we caught it the next morning. and i am terribly glad and im terribly afraid of mice, nevermind that its [supposedly] a completely irrational fear. a girl is allowed to have an irrational fear every once in a while.
and i want to be inspired.
and im talking my head off.
and i proctored a test for the first time. i couldnt find the room and i was almost late.
and i have a story and im editing, la la la.
i am glad for old friends.
but i do not want to be merely put up with.
i like to let the sunshine and the night come in my room. i dont think my blinds have been open enough lately.
im worried that im a horrible person.
and im probably OCD.
and im sad that i never saw new orleans.
the song "what a friend we have in Jesus" is alwaysalways convicting. i need to pray more.
and that im missing out something or other, or that theres something drastically important that im forgetting, but i dont even know what.
item 7:
back in third grade when we thought that supercalifragilisticexpialidocious was the hardest word to spell in the whole world, or almost [who even knows what the hardest word to spell now is,] i always told all the other kids that i knew how to spell it. and they wouldnt believe me, but then i would do it for them, counting on the fact that none of them knew whether i was right or not. and it worked. and they thought i was smart.
but i am very smug right now that i actually did spell it right, according to real sources like dictionary.com, and the internet.
item 8:
[my notes from bobdole:]
[i know the girl whose grandmother was his tailor, until she died. so there.]
-- sometimes, counties have mayors, and i didnt know that.
-- you may be called to make sacrifices, so dont be surprised.
-- we used to have heroes, and you know, we probably still do.
-- take responsibility.
-- roll up your sleeves instead of twidiling your thumbs.
-- be flexible.
-- no use being a damn fool about things.
and i need to remember that, and stuff, i think.
Posted 9/28/2005 3:03 PM
// [some of] the adventures that i had and i didnt even make any of it up //
so, ive decided that my method of packing is a bit more effective than the usual manner. see, usually i just somehow or other stick all my stuff in my car in some way or other, and it works. well, my parents made me put everything in boxes and stuff, and daddy does a good job packing but we were sortof afraid that it wouldnt fit. it was going to be rather problematic, and i was already running late already [but only 2 hours late, which isnt that bad, but still. i needed to go because i had to stay with these people and they are old, so i had to get there before they went to bed. but anyway.] and i didnt have time to re-do everything. but then it fit, but i couldnt really see, but o well. but then when i got here, i rearranged things as i was looking for my shoes and now its not quite as organized, but what do you know i can see out the back window, which is good. and i use that back window a lot.
while i was driving, i didnt get lost, which was an enjoyable phenomenon. and i stopped for gas at this ghetto gas station, but i just got donuts instead. they cost $2.08 or somthing, and i just brought two dollars cause i didnt think donuts should cost anymore than that, but the lady told me to just bring the eight cents to her next time instead of trying to actually find 8 cents in my hugely overstuffed car. she was very nice to me. and today i did get lost so i stopped for directions at this church that had construction going on [apparently construction workers are as good for directions as pizza boys are] and they told me so nicely, and i told them that i would try to find it, and they said i couldnt miss it, but i said, "well, you would be surprised.": but that sweet old guy was like, "nah, you look smart, and youre not even a blonde, so you'll make it." he made me happy. [he also told me this whole long story about this stoplight and all the things that had happened to it in the history of this town. he really did, i promise. and then when my sister and i were at that light later i started telling her all of the things i learned about that intersection from the man and she doesnt believe me, she thought i made it up. but i didnt. i promisecrossmyheart. also today i went to this class, adolescent lit, which was very enjoyable, and apparently its a "party every day" and i learned that Sting used to be an english teacher before he was a rock star, and he said that basically the two jobs accomplished the same things. im not sure how he got that, but whatever, yo.] and he sortof reminded me of the guy at walmart the other night. i was at my ghetto walmart late at night, after i spent an entirely wonderful dinner with my friend [more about that later] and then church for a while, and i was getting all things last minute and i could not find about 3 things that i absolutely needed, and so after surveying the available walmart employees that i might question to find the stuff, i just picked this guy. and he showed me [efficiently, too, i might add. half the time you ask someone at walmart where something is, they are just as lost as you are and you end up wondering around together. then, finally, you spot it yourself and they were like yeah, i totally knew where that was. riiiiiiight. anyway.] so he shows me where the stuff is and asked if there was anything else i needed help with and then--i kid you not--he bowed. it was really crazy, but kind of sweet? or something.
in the car on the way up here i was listening to nicholas nickelby cause i have never read it and thats a book that one ought to read, but never does. so i was listening to it, and i heard the best quote:
"bother. i suppose im thinking like a lover now, or perhaps rather like an ass, which, i suppose, is rather nealy pretty much the same thing."
i laughed about that one. and there was this one other spot where this guy said d***it like 26 times in a row, which was really weird cause dickens doesnt curse that much in his books, from the little bit ive read of him. but it was prettyfunny cause it was this random guy who wasnt even in the story all that much, and it wasnt even about anything that important. sortof like that stephen dunn poem with the one bad word used completely legitamately 17 times in one poem. sortof awful, sortof halirious.
but so anyway, i was listening to it, and then all of a sudden i ran out of tapes, and the story hadnt ended yet. so it was very perplexing and i was looking and looking for another tape or something that said on the box "hello, this is a book on tape that only will read the first 2/3 of the book" or something, but no such luck, so i wondered all day what on earth happened in the last part but then i went to the library after class, and i had a difficult time finding dickens, but then i did and then i read the end. it was pretty good. it did rather reinforce my idea that you can, at least in part, know something about men by their names, as they generally live up to their names. i dont know if girls do the same thing, im sure some do, but i dont know. for example. i always thought the name ralph belongs to an animal rather like a snake. therefore, it was no surprise to me when my friend had a very bad boyfriend by the name of ralph. duh. you dont expect a guy named ralph to be a very good boyfriend. and my deepest apologies to anyone named ralph who is not a bad boyfriend. you are the exception to the rule, let me assure you. but one of the more unlikeable characters in the book was named ralph, and this is why i thought of it.
but it was alright because by the time i ran out of tapes was about the time where i got to where i was supposed to be. and then i had to go and stay with the people. these people are these people that we know from our old town, and they used to go to our church and stuff, and she was even our art teacher in elementary, but 1) i dont really remember them. i was like 8 when they moved away. 2) staying with them with my parents is one thing, but by myself is quite another. 3) i had more than a few hesitations about staying with them based on what i remembered. so all in all, i was not looking forward to being there. and i was already feeling bad about getting there so late and them being old and tired and stuff [they actually were younger than i thought they would be, but they are probably 60 or so. old enough to be tired at 1030. so i get there, and they are pretty nice and stuff so im feeling better. but their house is like super nice, and everything, so i already have the feeling that i might break something every second i turn around. and they put me in this super antique bedroom. and i like antiques, but they feel very likely to break to me. i parked on the street, but they told me that i should move my car up onto the driveway since i have all my stuff [on one hand, i like having all my stuff in my car. it makes me feel cozy, and rather like a snail. on the other, i feel very concerned, because if someone happened to manage to steal my car, i would have realatively nothing that i like a whole lot left. and i dislike losing things i like veryvery much, even though sometimes it keeps happening to me.] and so when we were going to bed, i said that i was going to go move my car to the driveway, and i thought they heard me, and i wasnt out there for very long. but when i got back to the front door, the door was locked, and i was lockedfreakingout. so i begin to panic. i knocked first. no answer. i ring the doorbell, but so quick that i wasnt acutally sure that it rang. but i waited and contemplated what on earth i should do. my phone was inside. i was sure i didnt know the way back to campus, and if i left, how would i ever get my stuff back? i think i was starting to panic. i rang the doorbell again, and i made sure i pushed the button long and hard enough. and then i
w a i t e d .
and nothing happened.
and so after what seemed to be a osoverylong and horrible [what if i have to sleep on the porch?] time, i rang it again, and i was reallyreallyreally worried by now, and finally he came to answer it and it was in his pajamas so it was embarrassing and i apologized and it was awful, but he was nice. i just went upstairs to call my mother, and she just laughed at me. o did she laugh. and i laughed too, i admit. but she really did.
and then i didnt even sleep well, nor as late as i planned, but thankfully, joy comes in the morning and i left as unassumingly as possibly. thankfully, they were out and about.
so then today, i ate my sisters cookies, and almost took a nap, and bought an awesome vintage purse, and some clothes, and dinner, and we got hotfudge, watched emma which is very funny [ this reminds me that books like that--like jane eyre, and emma, and wuthering heights and pride and prejudice--are practically the most romantic things ever and i was talking to this boy and apparently he read somewhere that the only thing that you really need to attract a girl is a copy and some working knowledge of pride and prejudice--which is a very funny. im not sure that its true, actually, but its not untrue either, so there you go. they are rather wonderful books, and wonderful in the best possible way. modern romance novels have nothing on them.] [beauty is found in unexpected places, you know.] [speaking of beauty, can we please go to wafflehouse?! i miss it desperately.] and now im sleepy and my toes are cold and i am here and you are there, and this is this and that, that, and all is well, i think. well, its possible, and maybe likely. well, i dont even know what im talking about, probably. probably it isnt. well, maybe. i dont know, yes. yes, i think so. indeed.
Posted 8/26/2005 2:01 PM
while i was driving, i didnt get lost, which was an enjoyable phenomenon. and i stopped for gas at this ghetto gas station, but i just got donuts instead. they cost $2.08 or somthing, and i just brought two dollars cause i didnt think donuts should cost anymore than that, but the lady told me to just bring the eight cents to her next time instead of trying to actually find 8 cents in my hugely overstuffed car. she was very nice to me. and today i did get lost so i stopped for directions at this church that had construction going on [apparently construction workers are as good for directions as pizza boys are] and they told me so nicely, and i told them that i would try to find it, and they said i couldnt miss it, but i said, "well, you would be surprised.": but that sweet old guy was like, "nah, you look smart, and youre not even a blonde, so you'll make it." he made me happy. [he also told me this whole long story about this stoplight and all the things that had happened to it in the history of this town. he really did, i promise. and then when my sister and i were at that light later i started telling her all of the things i learned about that intersection from the man and she doesnt believe me, she thought i made it up. but i didnt. i promisecrossmyheart. also today i went to this class, adolescent lit, which was very enjoyable, and apparently its a "party every day" and i learned that Sting used to be an english teacher before he was a rock star, and he said that basically the two jobs accomplished the same things. im not sure how he got that, but whatever, yo.] and he sortof reminded me of the guy at walmart the other night. i was at my ghetto walmart late at night, after i spent an entirely wonderful dinner with my friend [more about that later] and then church for a while, and i was getting all things last minute and i could not find about 3 things that i absolutely needed, and so after surveying the available walmart employees that i might question to find the stuff, i just picked this guy. and he showed me [efficiently, too, i might add. half the time you ask someone at walmart where something is, they are just as lost as you are and you end up wondering around together. then, finally, you spot it yourself and they were like yeah, i totally knew where that was. riiiiiiight. anyway.] so he shows me where the stuff is and asked if there was anything else i needed help with and then--i kid you not--he bowed. it was really crazy, but kind of sweet? or something.
in the car on the way up here i was listening to nicholas nickelby cause i have never read it and thats a book that one ought to read, but never does. so i was listening to it, and i heard the best quote:
"bother. i suppose im thinking like a lover now, or perhaps rather like an ass, which, i suppose, is rather nealy pretty much the same thing."
i laughed about that one. and there was this one other spot where this guy said d***it like 26 times in a row, which was really weird cause dickens doesnt curse that much in his books, from the little bit ive read of him. but it was prettyfunny cause it was this random guy who wasnt even in the story all that much, and it wasnt even about anything that important. sortof like that stephen dunn poem with the one bad word used completely legitamately 17 times in one poem. sortof awful, sortof halirious.
but so anyway, i was listening to it, and then all of a sudden i ran out of tapes, and the story hadnt ended yet. so it was very perplexing and i was looking and looking for another tape or something that said on the box "hello, this is a book on tape that only will read the first 2/3 of the book" or something, but no such luck, so i wondered all day what on earth happened in the last part but then i went to the library after class, and i had a difficult time finding dickens, but then i did and then i read the end. it was pretty good. it did rather reinforce my idea that you can, at least in part, know something about men by their names, as they generally live up to their names. i dont know if girls do the same thing, im sure some do, but i dont know. for example. i always thought the name ralph belongs to an animal rather like a snake. therefore, it was no surprise to me when my friend had a very bad boyfriend by the name of ralph. duh. you dont expect a guy named ralph to be a very good boyfriend. and my deepest apologies to anyone named ralph who is not a bad boyfriend. you are the exception to the rule, let me assure you. but one of the more unlikeable characters in the book was named ralph, and this is why i thought of it.
but it was alright because by the time i ran out of tapes was about the time where i got to where i was supposed to be. and then i had to go and stay with the people. these people are these people that we know from our old town, and they used to go to our church and stuff, and she was even our art teacher in elementary, but 1) i dont really remember them. i was like 8 when they moved away. 2) staying with them with my parents is one thing, but by myself is quite another. 3) i had more than a few hesitations about staying with them based on what i remembered. so all in all, i was not looking forward to being there. and i was already feeling bad about getting there so late and them being old and tired and stuff [they actually were younger than i thought they would be, but they are probably 60 or so. old enough to be tired at 1030. so i get there, and they are pretty nice and stuff so im feeling better. but their house is like super nice, and everything, so i already have the feeling that i might break something every second i turn around. and they put me in this super antique bedroom. and i like antiques, but they feel very likely to break to me. i parked on the street, but they told me that i should move my car up onto the driveway since i have all my stuff [on one hand, i like having all my stuff in my car. it makes me feel cozy, and rather like a snail. on the other, i feel very concerned, because if someone happened to manage to steal my car, i would have realatively nothing that i like a whole lot left. and i dislike losing things i like veryvery much, even though sometimes it keeps happening to me.] and so when we were going to bed, i said that i was going to go move my car to the driveway, and i thought they heard me, and i wasnt out there for very long. but when i got back to the front door, the door was locked, and i was lockedfreakingout. so i begin to panic. i knocked first. no answer. i ring the doorbell, but so quick that i wasnt acutally sure that it rang. but i waited and contemplated what on earth i should do. my phone was inside. i was sure i didnt know the way back to campus, and if i left, how would i ever get my stuff back? i think i was starting to panic. i rang the doorbell again, and i made sure i pushed the button long and hard enough. and then i
w a i t e d .
and nothing happened.
and so after what seemed to be a osoverylong and horrible [what if i have to sleep on the porch?] time, i rang it again, and i was reallyreallyreally worried by now, and finally he came to answer it and it was in his pajamas so it was embarrassing and i apologized and it was awful, but he was nice. i just went upstairs to call my mother, and she just laughed at me. o did she laugh. and i laughed too, i admit. but she really did.
and then i didnt even sleep well, nor as late as i planned, but thankfully, joy comes in the morning and i left as unassumingly as possibly. thankfully, they were out and about.
so then today, i ate my sisters cookies, and almost took a nap, and bought an awesome vintage purse, and some clothes, and dinner, and we got hotfudge, watched emma which is very funny [ this reminds me that books like that--like jane eyre, and emma, and wuthering heights and pride and prejudice--are practically the most romantic things ever and i was talking to this boy and apparently he read somewhere that the only thing that you really need to attract a girl is a copy and some working knowledge of pride and prejudice--which is a very funny. im not sure that its true, actually, but its not untrue either, so there you go. they are rather wonderful books, and wonderful in the best possible way. modern romance novels have nothing on them.] [beauty is found in unexpected places, you know.] [speaking of beauty, can we please go to wafflehouse?! i miss it desperately.] and now im sleepy and my toes are cold and i am here and you are there, and this is this and that, that, and all is well, i think. well, its possible, and maybe likely. well, i dont even know what im talking about, probably. probably it isnt. well, maybe. i dont know, yes. yes, i think so. indeed.
Posted 8/26/2005 2:01 PM
ho-hum
>> im it, x2. i guess i get 10 songs.
List five songs that you are currently loving. Post these instructions, along with your five songs.
smile like you mean it // the killers
the ocean // mae
swallowed in the sea // coldplay
mr. lonely // ?
we have become silhouettes // the shins / [postalservice]
passenger seat // death cab for cutie
mr. postman // the carpenters
let that be enough // switchfoot
the longest time // billy joel
i love you always forever // donna lewis
tag, now you're it, if you have good music tastes, or if you dont. no matter. and if you havent done it already. and no tagbacks. <<....................................................................................................................
i think the first thing that must be done when we get back is to have that dress-up girls night of awesome sexiness. ;) this should absolutely happen, and maybe we should have a slumber party too. lots of favorite girls can come. favorite girls work differently than favorite boys, you know. yes, things of this sort are good for the soul, in a way that im not sure i can explain. i quit job number 2 today. happy. [!]the best sign i saw in texas:
LIVE IT UP! ... at dairy queen.
i laughed about this. and while i was in texas, i got pink eye. well, i guess it was pink eye. maybe it wasnt, i dont even know. it was almost pink eye, anyway. the other time i got pink eye i was in second grade and my parents yelled at me to get up and i told them i couldnt open my eyes, cause you cant, you know, when you have pink eye, but they didnt believe me. but then i really couldnt and then they believed me. and then i went to school, where the teacher sent me to the nurse, who sent me home, which meant to the babysitters, which meant that i got to play mario all day, and whatever else i did. and then we went camping after that.and i was feeling super-productive today. got a lot of stuff done, but i wish i would have had time to do more, cause productive feelings are hard to come by sometimes.i had growing pains today. maybe im getting taller. i really do think ive grown about an inch in the last year. i used to be shorter than my sister, but now im nearly eye level. this is good and bad. but shes still stronger. [hm. i should work out.] i thought i stopped growing?
i like softer and flatter pillows, not ones that are so fluffy your neck is vertical. im just saying.
ho-hum. this was just an in-between day, you know?
Posted 8/3/2005 1:17 AM
List five songs that you are currently loving. Post these instructions, along with your five songs.
smile like you mean it // the killers
the ocean // mae
swallowed in the sea // coldplay
mr. lonely // ?
we have become silhouettes // the shins / [postalservice]
passenger seat // death cab for cutie
mr. postman // the carpenters
let that be enough // switchfoot
the longest time // billy joel
i love you always forever // donna lewis
tag, now you're it, if you have good music tastes, or if you dont. no matter. and if you havent done it already. and no tagbacks. <<....................................................................................................................
i think the first thing that must be done when we get back is to have that dress-up girls night of awesome sexiness. ;) this should absolutely happen, and maybe we should have a slumber party too. lots of favorite girls can come. favorite girls work differently than favorite boys, you know. yes, things of this sort are good for the soul, in a way that im not sure i can explain. i quit job number 2 today. happy. [!]the best sign i saw in texas:
LIVE IT UP! ... at dairy queen.
i laughed about this. and while i was in texas, i got pink eye. well, i guess it was pink eye. maybe it wasnt, i dont even know. it was almost pink eye, anyway. the other time i got pink eye i was in second grade and my parents yelled at me to get up and i told them i couldnt open my eyes, cause you cant, you know, when you have pink eye, but they didnt believe me. but then i really couldnt and then they believed me. and then i went to school, where the teacher sent me to the nurse, who sent me home, which meant to the babysitters, which meant that i got to play mario all day, and whatever else i did. and then we went camping after that.and i was feeling super-productive today. got a lot of stuff done, but i wish i would have had time to do more, cause productive feelings are hard to come by sometimes.i had growing pains today. maybe im getting taller. i really do think ive grown about an inch in the last year. i used to be shorter than my sister, but now im nearly eye level. this is good and bad. but shes still stronger. [hm. i should work out.] i thought i stopped growing?
i like softer and flatter pillows, not ones that are so fluffy your neck is vertical. im just saying.
ho-hum. this was just an in-between day, you know?
Posted 8/3/2005 1:17 AM
adventures.
[ :" not quite young anymore, but not old either; a little breathless, very beautiful, maybe a little stupid, maybe a lot smarter than she seemed. and she was looking for something--i think she wanted to be good. she was funny and sexy--and she was vulnerable too she was like [everybody]."
--page four hundred and thirty]
if i can claim to have a way with anyone, i think its with late-night donut men. for the i-think-third time in like 3 months i have gotten free donuts from the man at the store late at night. this time it was sortof funny cause my sister and i are driving back and its late so we see the donuts and we decide to stop and go to the bathroom and strech and get donuts before we resume on our merry little way. so we go inside and go to the bathroom so we didnt have to manage that with our hands full of donuts [we were taught this very specific order of things about public bathrooms. i dont actually even like to use them that much. but it was unavoidable, you know.] so anyway, we walk out and apparently in the time we got in there and used the bathroom was the 3 minutes that he decided to close the store, but he didnt check the bathrooms or anything so we walked out and he was very surprised. i think he jumped. he told us we had to drive through cause he was closed [since we were there already?!] i smiled at him anyway. i get to the drive through and he just gives me the whole bundle of donuts. we are happy. i think this is a good skill to possess.
also: i think it works with gas station boys. i managed to finally run out of gas somewhere that was not a gas station [it was more like the near middle of an intersection sortof but not really close to the gas station in the darkest night.] so two sweet men helped push me into the nearest parking lot and then i gathered up my nerve to walk to the nearest ghetto gas station and there i find 2 hispanic men who spoke english only moderately well and i put on my best im-a-girl-and-i-dont-know-what-im-doing face [i wonder what it says about me that i am perfectly willing and able to pull out and use that at least semi-effectively when the need arises. hmmm.] and so they explain to me all this stuff about what i need to do now. so me and the mexican boys figure it out. it was ghettofabulous, but i smelled like gasoline for the rest of the night pretty much, which was less than fabulous, ghetto or not.
and: canoe-ing is the muchlyest fun thing ever, mostly. im a big fan. and while my mother and sister and i were all in this canoe, and i was steering, there was this airshow going on so we got to see all these army men in the airplanes do all these superawesome things like go upside down a lot, and twirl around and come really close to our heads. we talked my sister into watching it too. well, mostly i did cause i was the steering person and i got more say in the matter just by that alone. she was just the head person who helped sometimes, and mom was the sit-in-the-middle-and-try-to-not-fall-out-of-the-boat person. she was very handy to have around, let me tell you. we did a bunch of other fun things when we were gone too, but i dont remember them right now, so they probably arent that exciting anyway.
i had to buy a swimsuit before we left. my old one was gross, and i disliked it very much. now, buying a swimsuit is a trying task. if you dont know why, go ask a girl. but after a while if its a good swimsuit, you wont really notice it anymore, thats what i decided. [i did find a decentish one, by the way.] but the same is true with a shirt, or shoes, i think. i really like the way that after about half an hour or so, if you are wearing a really good shirt anyway--if you are wearing a bad shirt then this never happens: you are constantly fidgiting with it and pulling it up or down or whatever--, i love the way the shirt just settles into you. you like all of a sudden meld with the shirt, and that makes it nice for wearing.
anyway: i was wondering about those people who never ever seem to meld with, well, anyone else really. or even themselves. i wonder if people who have worked at perkins for 14 years straight know that its highly possible and even highly likely that they have just wasted their last 14 years by getting drunk everynight and then waitressing all morning and having a few kids here and there and then doing it all again? do the girls obsessed with highlighting hair and the proper shoes for any one skirt and losing 4 pounds and the boys worried about looking cool and macho and whatever such nonsense gets into their heads that they dont realize that there is more to do? their shirts, so to speak, never meld. [not that there is anything wrong with waitressing and having proper shoes and such, but there is more.] maybe i am this sad reality myself, and i just dont know it, which is sadder still. they remind me of those stupid freshman i manage to get stuck with, those ones who cant even write a sentence properly. but! they think they make perfect sense. and when i say "hey: listen to this sentence outloud and tell me if it makes any sense to you whatsoever and i read them something that says: the store crazy, because it was so busy, with people; was closing as they, did every night, and workers, they wore blue shirts with kakhi pants or skirts on bottom, ran around helping the people, they were their from morning to close. it is then that they become aware that it may be a little confusing, but are blissfully ignorant as to why. they have no idea its because there is subject/verb disagreement, and comma splices, not to mention general punctuation misuse. there is wordiness, and unnecessary information, and its a run-on and half of the verbs have no discernable subjects and half the subjects have no discernable verbs, and there is misspelled, etc. but they have no idea. no idea. and they wonder why they get Cs and such.
i wonder if these people know that they feel somewhat unaccessable, and that they probably are missing out. [the other option is that everyone is similar in these regards; it is basic to humanity, and its only personality differences, etc. which make it difficult to tell.]
while we were gone, we heard a missionary speak about his mission and the great need in africa. and while i cant particularly say that this presentation of the great need there moved me any more than any other presentation on that same subject [yes, i am coldhearted, i know it.], he did present some rather staggering statistics. i cant even reproduce them for you, and im making all of this up, but like 2/3 of everyone has AIDS, and 3/4 of them cant read at all, and 91% of them will die before they reach 45 years of age. and it was all a war-zone and all of this stuff. and everything. it was staggering, unmoved or not. and frankly, the guy sounded scared as crap of the job that was facing him when he went back to africa to begin work again among these people. i dont blame him; i would be far scareder then he sounded. but the thing that stuck me was the fact that afterward, in all the milling about, people kept murmering all around me, and 4 or 5 people actually told me that they were surprised how scared he sounded. well! what did they expect!?!?! did they think he would be excited about the possibility of getting arrested by the muslims and getting some african disease and so on and so forth? would they manage to be any less scared? i highly doubt it. maybe we are unused to fear, or at least expressed fear. i am unused to it, and to feeling afraid. but there it is.
i said it once, but it can stand to be said again [it has been established: i say a lot of things a few times over each. sorry.]: my favorites are the ones who have the nearly instant possibility of becoming a best friend, of sorts--a kindred spirit, if you will. [there are two types of best friends, you know: ones that you hardly ever fight with, and the ones you argue with all the time, in some manner or other. both are fine with me. the people that are hardest to be friends with are those with whom you would argue with only some, and the rest of the time remain apathetic to. although: it is perplexing why sometimes you dont become any sort of best friends even with those who have the potential to become best friends with. but anyway.
i like afraid people, i like interesting people, i like people who have ideas, people who remember. i like real. i want to be literate; i like a well-developed sense of poetic justice. [how stupid of me to want to be literate merely because i like that in someone else, but i have a hard time doing things like loving because i was loved. boo.] i like things that have the potential to enlarge my world [i am lately of the opinion that most things should do this, though]. my mind is far too small.
and i dont want to be perfect, of course. i want to be growing--"i want to be unique and messy and junky and all of these things, because a perfect woman isnt a real woman, is she?" process more valuable than product, at least until we have a finished product cause then it wont even matter [and its all-finished--and still not finished-- already. think of it.[!]]
i wore lucy ricardo shoes today;
i might possibly be gettting around to being comfortable in my own skin.
Posted 7/25/2005 1:16 AM
--page four hundred and thirty]
if i can claim to have a way with anyone, i think its with late-night donut men. for the i-think-third time in like 3 months i have gotten free donuts from the man at the store late at night. this time it was sortof funny cause my sister and i are driving back and its late so we see the donuts and we decide to stop and go to the bathroom and strech and get donuts before we resume on our merry little way. so we go inside and go to the bathroom so we didnt have to manage that with our hands full of donuts [we were taught this very specific order of things about public bathrooms. i dont actually even like to use them that much. but it was unavoidable, you know.] so anyway, we walk out and apparently in the time we got in there and used the bathroom was the 3 minutes that he decided to close the store, but he didnt check the bathrooms or anything so we walked out and he was very surprised. i think he jumped. he told us we had to drive through cause he was closed [since we were there already?!] i smiled at him anyway. i get to the drive through and he just gives me the whole bundle of donuts. we are happy. i think this is a good skill to possess.
also: i think it works with gas station boys. i managed to finally run out of gas somewhere that was not a gas station [it was more like the near middle of an intersection sortof but not really close to the gas station in the darkest night.] so two sweet men helped push me into the nearest parking lot and then i gathered up my nerve to walk to the nearest ghetto gas station and there i find 2 hispanic men who spoke english only moderately well and i put on my best im-a-girl-and-i-dont-know-what-im-doing face [i wonder what it says about me that i am perfectly willing and able to pull out and use that at least semi-effectively when the need arises. hmmm.] and so they explain to me all this stuff about what i need to do now. so me and the mexican boys figure it out. it was ghettofabulous, but i smelled like gasoline for the rest of the night pretty much, which was less than fabulous, ghetto or not.
and: canoe-ing is the muchlyest fun thing ever, mostly. im a big fan. and while my mother and sister and i were all in this canoe, and i was steering, there was this airshow going on so we got to see all these army men in the airplanes do all these superawesome things like go upside down a lot, and twirl around and come really close to our heads. we talked my sister into watching it too. well, mostly i did cause i was the steering person and i got more say in the matter just by that alone. she was just the head person who helped sometimes, and mom was the sit-in-the-middle-and-try-to-not-fall-out-of-the-boat person. she was very handy to have around, let me tell you. we did a bunch of other fun things when we were gone too, but i dont remember them right now, so they probably arent that exciting anyway.
i had to buy a swimsuit before we left. my old one was gross, and i disliked it very much. now, buying a swimsuit is a trying task. if you dont know why, go ask a girl. but after a while if its a good swimsuit, you wont really notice it anymore, thats what i decided. [i did find a decentish one, by the way.] but the same is true with a shirt, or shoes, i think. i really like the way that after about half an hour or so, if you are wearing a really good shirt anyway--if you are wearing a bad shirt then this never happens: you are constantly fidgiting with it and pulling it up or down or whatever--, i love the way the shirt just settles into you. you like all of a sudden meld with the shirt, and that makes it nice for wearing.
anyway: i was wondering about those people who never ever seem to meld with, well, anyone else really. or even themselves. i wonder if people who have worked at perkins for 14 years straight know that its highly possible and even highly likely that they have just wasted their last 14 years by getting drunk everynight and then waitressing all morning and having a few kids here and there and then doing it all again? do the girls obsessed with highlighting hair and the proper shoes for any one skirt and losing 4 pounds and the boys worried about looking cool and macho and whatever such nonsense gets into their heads that they dont realize that there is more to do? their shirts, so to speak, never meld. [not that there is anything wrong with waitressing and having proper shoes and such, but there is more.] maybe i am this sad reality myself, and i just dont know it, which is sadder still. they remind me of those stupid freshman i manage to get stuck with, those ones who cant even write a sentence properly. but! they think they make perfect sense. and when i say "hey: listen to this sentence outloud and tell me if it makes any sense to you whatsoever and i read them something that says: the store crazy, because it was so busy, with people; was closing as they, did every night, and workers, they wore blue shirts with kakhi pants or skirts on bottom, ran around helping the people, they were their from morning to close. it is then that they become aware that it may be a little confusing, but are blissfully ignorant as to why. they have no idea its because there is subject/verb disagreement, and comma splices, not to mention general punctuation misuse. there is wordiness, and unnecessary information, and its a run-on and half of the verbs have no discernable subjects and half the subjects have no discernable verbs, and there is misspelled, etc. but they have no idea. no idea. and they wonder why they get Cs and such.
i wonder if these people know that they feel somewhat unaccessable, and that they probably are missing out. [the other option is that everyone is similar in these regards; it is basic to humanity, and its only personality differences, etc. which make it difficult to tell.]
while we were gone, we heard a missionary speak about his mission and the great need in africa. and while i cant particularly say that this presentation of the great need there moved me any more than any other presentation on that same subject [yes, i am coldhearted, i know it.], he did present some rather staggering statistics. i cant even reproduce them for you, and im making all of this up, but like 2/3 of everyone has AIDS, and 3/4 of them cant read at all, and 91% of them will die before they reach 45 years of age. and it was all a war-zone and all of this stuff. and everything. it was staggering, unmoved or not. and frankly, the guy sounded scared as crap of the job that was facing him when he went back to africa to begin work again among these people. i dont blame him; i would be far scareder then he sounded. but the thing that stuck me was the fact that afterward, in all the milling about, people kept murmering all around me, and 4 or 5 people actually told me that they were surprised how scared he sounded. well! what did they expect!?!?! did they think he would be excited about the possibility of getting arrested by the muslims and getting some african disease and so on and so forth? would they manage to be any less scared? i highly doubt it. maybe we are unused to fear, or at least expressed fear. i am unused to it, and to feeling afraid. but there it is.
i said it once, but it can stand to be said again [it has been established: i say a lot of things a few times over each. sorry.]: my favorites are the ones who have the nearly instant possibility of becoming a best friend, of sorts--a kindred spirit, if you will. [there are two types of best friends, you know: ones that you hardly ever fight with, and the ones you argue with all the time, in some manner or other. both are fine with me. the people that are hardest to be friends with are those with whom you would argue with only some, and the rest of the time remain apathetic to. although: it is perplexing why sometimes you dont become any sort of best friends even with those who have the potential to become best friends with. but anyway.
i like afraid people, i like interesting people, i like people who have ideas, people who remember. i like real. i want to be literate; i like a well-developed sense of poetic justice. [how stupid of me to want to be literate merely because i like that in someone else, but i have a hard time doing things like loving because i was loved. boo.] i like things that have the potential to enlarge my world [i am lately of the opinion that most things should do this, though]. my mind is far too small.
and i dont want to be perfect, of course. i want to be growing--"i want to be unique and messy and junky and all of these things, because a perfect woman isnt a real woman, is she?" process more valuable than product, at least until we have a finished product cause then it wont even matter [and its all-finished--and still not finished-- already. think of it.[!]]
i wore lucy ricardo shoes today;
i might possibly be gettting around to being comfortable in my own skin.
Posted 7/25/2005 1:16 AM
the way we pack.
im leaving! [?]
with janna! [?]
ill miss you. [!]
im not packed. [!?]
we were leaving 45 minutes ago, and we feel sure that it will be an adventure. we have no idea how we are going, just where we are supposed to be when we are done. we might get lost, i guess. this will be fun.
Posted 7/20/2005 6:19 AM
with janna! [?]
ill miss you. [!]
im not packed. [!?]
we were leaving 45 minutes ago, and we feel sure that it will be an adventure. we have no idea how we are going, just where we are supposed to be when we are done. we might get lost, i guess. this will be fun.
Posted 7/20/2005 6:19 AM
Saturday, September 22, 2007
treasure hunt
I saw a shooting star while we sat in the dark field,
and I wished for the field to be full of white clover flowers.
// word vomit time: [and im not even sure its logical] //
i think im in hibernation mode. as in: i feel like im storing up a whole bunch of information from my classes and taking a lot of notes, and talking to a lot of people that are inspiring, and reading things that are enlargening, and learning a whole bunch of 'life lessons' and things,
but i cant spit any of it back out. its like im saving it all for later, which is all well and good for later--but what about now?! i need some of it now.
i need so much--
but at the same time, i dont. i .am. julie laugherty, after all. ;)
[actually, what i need to remember is that i reallytruly only need about one thing. or maybe two things. and that anything besides those two things is not one of those two things. i have got to have priorities. and--i was wondering earlier how long i have to wait for the things i want to all show up in one place. but maybe im waiting for the wrong things to show up? eh, its possible, but not likely. and there has got to be a balance somewhere.]
and i want to have myself a pity party sometimes, but thats just ridiculous and i know better. but im not saying im not tempted.
also, ignoring things that happened wont make them go away. they still happened whether you choose to ignore them or not. and only remebering the bad wont do you any good at all. good happened too--it did--and ignoring it is just dumb.
other than that: i need to invest in a better umbrella. i swear mine leaks, which is less than pleasant. i think its going to be a rough 3 days [and im not planning on sleeping, actually] and i bought flipflops for two dollars which was terribly exciting. and i vaccuumed my room. and all i want to do is curl up with a book and thats all, even though finding a comfortable reading position which remains comfortable for a long time is always a challange. and i think im stuck in a rut. or two. must expand. [and i have got to begin taking breaths when i speak, or write.] and i used to own 3 boxes of business sized envelopes, and now i dont have any and there is no way on earth i used them all, so they are lost. ohno. the hot fudge was broken=i am heartbroken. ohno x 36. and i have supermuch to do. and we decided that music is the most profound of the arts; i heart music. and i also heart nerdy boys. and there was just a .huge. fight at the bar across the street. and my phone rang, and i picked it up, but then i forgot to say hello.
going on a treasure hunt. be back soon.
and while we sat, i tied the grass blades together
to make a delicate chain which reminds me
of sweat and heartbreak, mowing lawns and first loves.
Posted 4/11/2005 11:05 AM
and I wished for the field to be full of white clover flowers.
// word vomit time: [and im not even sure its logical] //
i think im in hibernation mode. as in: i feel like im storing up a whole bunch of information from my classes and taking a lot of notes, and talking to a lot of people that are inspiring, and reading things that are enlargening, and learning a whole bunch of 'life lessons' and things,
but i cant spit any of it back out. its like im saving it all for later, which is all well and good for later--but what about now?! i need some of it now.
i need so much--
but at the same time, i dont. i .am. julie laugherty, after all. ;)
[actually, what i need to remember is that i reallytruly only need about one thing. or maybe two things. and that anything besides those two things is not one of those two things. i have got to have priorities. and--i was wondering earlier how long i have to wait for the things i want to all show up in one place. but maybe im waiting for the wrong things to show up? eh, its possible, but not likely. and there has got to be a balance somewhere.]
and i want to have myself a pity party sometimes, but thats just ridiculous and i know better. but im not saying im not tempted.
also, ignoring things that happened wont make them go away. they still happened whether you choose to ignore them or not. and only remebering the bad wont do you any good at all. good happened too--it did--and ignoring it is just dumb.
other than that: i need to invest in a better umbrella. i swear mine leaks, which is less than pleasant. i think its going to be a rough 3 days [and im not planning on sleeping, actually] and i bought flipflops for two dollars which was terribly exciting. and i vaccuumed my room. and all i want to do is curl up with a book and thats all, even though finding a comfortable reading position which remains comfortable for a long time is always a challange. and i think im stuck in a rut. or two. must expand. [and i have got to begin taking breaths when i speak, or write.] and i used to own 3 boxes of business sized envelopes, and now i dont have any and there is no way on earth i used them all, so they are lost. ohno. the hot fudge was broken=i am heartbroken. ohno x 36. and i have supermuch to do. and we decided that music is the most profound of the arts; i heart music. and i also heart nerdy boys. and there was just a .huge. fight at the bar across the street. and my phone rang, and i picked it up, but then i forgot to say hello.
going on a treasure hunt. be back soon.
and while we sat, i tied the grass blades together
to make a delicate chain which reminds me
of sweat and heartbreak, mowing lawns and first loves.
Posted 4/11/2005 11:05 AM
miscellanous adventures
i am home. and it was an adventure or something:
i packed speedyquick and i left only half an hour after i was supposed to be gone. that might be a record. but my battery light was on and so i stopped to get it checked.
because boys work at autostores i pulled out my trusty 'im a girl and i know nothing at all about cars' look which works, of course, and so they helped me figure out what was wrong--it was my alternator. so i got a new one and they called a guy to come put it in. so i went to the bank a block over and i drove cause the carguys thought it would make it and because i didnt want to walk cause it was dark already and i was on the other side of town, you know. and so then i got to the bank and it broke right when i was at the atm and there were 6 people behind me. so a sweet punkish guy [who had a poodle] helped me push it out of the way.
i walked back and waited for the mechanic guy. i walked around the autostore forever and that was boring. and i talked to the car guy who was 21 and was going to be an engineer when he grew up. i made him promise to call the police if i didnt come back. and i bought a pocket knife.
so then terry the mechanic came. he is...scruffy. and chubby. and country. and smoked 4 ciggarettes [i cant spell that] in 45 minutes. and i walk out and say hello and tell him my car is at the bank and he gets all worried about his car not being clean enough for me to sit in and so he cleans it up and helps me into the car and shuts the door for me. then we go over to the bank and he fixes my car and tells me all about things like: how to fix cars, how to legally avoid paying taxes, the male mindset when it comes to working, what i should do when i grow up, how to start a successful home business, how to determine where you will live when you grow up, and how to do all kinds of other things, i cant even remember. he talked a lot, but limited his cussing [saying only d***, S*** and h*** instead of every single bad word ever] because i was a girl. he was very amusing, and a good mechanic. and i didnt even need my pocked knife and im not kidnapped.
so then i leave for home and drive all night and everyone is all anxious and stuff and i keep getting lost, cause i have never been without directions before. and i was listening to Tom Jones on tape, and it was halirious, but i had no idea what was going on in that book, cause i didnt feel like rewinding the stupid tape so i missed the beginning. and i never found a krispy kreme on the way home :( which is of course the only thing i wanted to eat
and i was sooo sleepy at 1130 but at 230 i was very awake.
and then i finally get home at 5 in the morning and i went to sleep.
so i am home. and i voted today. and i got to wear the sticker on my shirt. it was my first presidential election to vote in, so it was extra exciting. hurrah. the lady asked me if i knew how to fill in the ballot and i said "um. fill in the circles completely?' and i got it wrong. we have arrows. of course. but i think i could have figured it out without her 4 minutes of instruction that followed my wrong answer. i should have told her to stop forcing her beliefs about how to fill out the ballot on me, cause that was discrimination or something.
and i survived the 'tornados'.
and i felt like a really real author for the very first time this week. we were sitting around this table in class and these people were discussing all these authorial things about my work. it was crazy. apparently i [at least usually] have a 'style' :O it was really crazy.
its very autumn here. its good. im glad to be home. home is a nice word.
i need to read more. and be less stupid. and less selfish. and bake more. and write more. and be kind more. and pray more. and be less stubborn about stupid stuff.
maybe i need to start keeping a list for those things.
[im doing all my laundry that ive been saving up at school. i love the smell of clean laundry. but i could live without having to do the laundry to get the smell.]
phrase of the week / year / restofmy life: 'i suck. i need Jesus.'
Posted 10/21/2004 10:57 PM
i packed speedyquick and i left only half an hour after i was supposed to be gone. that might be a record. but my battery light was on and so i stopped to get it checked.
because boys work at autostores i pulled out my trusty 'im a girl and i know nothing at all about cars' look which works, of course, and so they helped me figure out what was wrong--it was my alternator. so i got a new one and they called a guy to come put it in. so i went to the bank a block over and i drove cause the carguys thought it would make it and because i didnt want to walk cause it was dark already and i was on the other side of town, you know. and so then i got to the bank and it broke right when i was at the atm and there were 6 people behind me. so a sweet punkish guy [who had a poodle] helped me push it out of the way.
i walked back and waited for the mechanic guy. i walked around the autostore forever and that was boring. and i talked to the car guy who was 21 and was going to be an engineer when he grew up. i made him promise to call the police if i didnt come back. and i bought a pocket knife.
so then terry the mechanic came. he is...scruffy. and chubby. and country. and smoked 4 ciggarettes [i cant spell that] in 45 minutes. and i walk out and say hello and tell him my car is at the bank and he gets all worried about his car not being clean enough for me to sit in and so he cleans it up and helps me into the car and shuts the door for me. then we go over to the bank and he fixes my car and tells me all about things like: how to fix cars, how to legally avoid paying taxes, the male mindset when it comes to working, what i should do when i grow up, how to start a successful home business, how to determine where you will live when you grow up, and how to do all kinds of other things, i cant even remember. he talked a lot, but limited his cussing [saying only d***, S*** and h*** instead of every single bad word ever] because i was a girl. he was very amusing, and a good mechanic. and i didnt even need my pocked knife and im not kidnapped.
so then i leave for home and drive all night and everyone is all anxious and stuff and i keep getting lost, cause i have never been without directions before. and i was listening to Tom Jones on tape, and it was halirious, but i had no idea what was going on in that book, cause i didnt feel like rewinding the stupid tape so i missed the beginning. and i never found a krispy kreme on the way home :( which is of course the only thing i wanted to eat
and i was sooo sleepy at 1130 but at 230 i was very awake.
and then i finally get home at 5 in the morning and i went to sleep.
so i am home. and i voted today. and i got to wear the sticker on my shirt. it was my first presidential election to vote in, so it was extra exciting. hurrah. the lady asked me if i knew how to fill in the ballot and i said "um. fill in the circles completely?' and i got it wrong. we have arrows. of course. but i think i could have figured it out without her 4 minutes of instruction that followed my wrong answer. i should have told her to stop forcing her beliefs about how to fill out the ballot on me, cause that was discrimination or something.
and i survived the 'tornados'.
and i felt like a really real author for the very first time this week. we were sitting around this table in class and these people were discussing all these authorial things about my work. it was crazy. apparently i [at least usually] have a 'style' :O it was really crazy.
its very autumn here. its good. im glad to be home. home is a nice word.
i need to read more. and be less stupid. and less selfish. and bake more. and write more. and be kind more. and pray more. and be less stubborn about stupid stuff.
maybe i need to start keeping a list for those things.
[im doing all my laundry that ive been saving up at school. i love the smell of clean laundry. but i could live without having to do the laundry to get the smell.]
phrase of the week / year / restofmy life: 'i suck. i need Jesus.'
Posted 10/21/2004 10:57 PM
Friday, September 21, 2007
big, big world.
its such a big, big world.
unfortunately, i am small. theres so much to learn and do and see if you want to have any sort of a decent existence let alone a marvelously breathtakingly beautiful life
:
learn to cook, clean, drive, pop popcorn, go grocery shopping. watch, listen, learn, touch. ski, bake cookies, fly kites, watch clouds, play hopscoch, go sledding and build snowmen, swim in the ocean, have tea parties, watch for shooting stars, sunrises and sunsets, thunderstorms. be polished, gracious, kind, loving. laugh. listen to glorious music and sing--or hum--along. be the best at things. see the world and love your home just as well as the most elaborate castles. do your chores. help others, selflessly giving everything [because He did]. die to self. memorize poetry and scripture. relax--lazy afternoons at the beach or in the hammock. eat scrumptious food, and still maintain your health. expand your mind. seek truth. keep trying. learn to make time to read great things, talk to people and spend time with dear friends and family. be joyful, content, purposeful, creative. find fairies in the garden, play hide and seek, catch lightning bugs and have animal crackers and cocoa for supper.
such a list!--and thats not even everything. im not even sure i could manage all that, even if i didnt sleep for the next 32ish years. and i do like sleep. lots and lots.
:::.:.: its just beyond those trees / the place that ive been dreaming of // we'll cut a path out for us / through the
green seas / we'll make hallways of leaves:.:.:::
but [what a glorious word!],
He doesnt sleep ;
all belongs to Him.
[[ ...'we are all enraptured by a well-done movie sequence or by a few bars from an opera
or lines from a poem. but-- He is simply one inexaustable and eternal experience
of all that is good and true and beautiful and right...']]
:::.:.: trust me / i know where im going // its beginning to get dark, but dont worry. / i know
where we are / will you follow me? :.:.:::
thankfully, such a life is possible, i think, if one will get up off
his bum and live it. plus also-- we may have help. and
help is ours if we but humbly ask for it. and then--and only
then-- we may have the sort of life it seems possible to only
dream about. our sweetest, craziest dreams
may become reality [--they may not, of course, but then
they might be replaced by newer, different and sweeter
dreams, i think].
:::.:.: i know it seems it was just a crazy dream / and i know my eyes were closed / but this
dream feels more real to me than life itself. // will you follow me still? :.:.:::
Posted 8/7/2004 11:39 PM
unfortunately, i am small. theres so much to learn and do and see if you want to have any sort of a decent existence let alone a marvelously breathtakingly beautiful life
:
learn to cook, clean, drive, pop popcorn, go grocery shopping. watch, listen, learn, touch. ski, bake cookies, fly kites, watch clouds, play hopscoch, go sledding and build snowmen, swim in the ocean, have tea parties, watch for shooting stars, sunrises and sunsets, thunderstorms. be polished, gracious, kind, loving. laugh. listen to glorious music and sing--or hum--along. be the best at things. see the world and love your home just as well as the most elaborate castles. do your chores. help others, selflessly giving everything [because He did]. die to self. memorize poetry and scripture. relax--lazy afternoons at the beach or in the hammock. eat scrumptious food, and still maintain your health. expand your mind. seek truth. keep trying. learn to make time to read great things, talk to people and spend time with dear friends and family. be joyful, content, purposeful, creative. find fairies in the garden, play hide and seek, catch lightning bugs and have animal crackers and cocoa for supper.
such a list!--and thats not even everything. im not even sure i could manage all that, even if i didnt sleep for the next 32ish years. and i do like sleep. lots and lots.
:::.:.: its just beyond those trees / the place that ive been dreaming of // we'll cut a path out for us / through the
green seas / we'll make hallways of leaves:.:.:::
but [what a glorious word!],
He doesnt sleep ;
all belongs to Him.
[[ ...'we are all enraptured by a well-done movie sequence or by a few bars from an opera
or lines from a poem. but-- He is simply one inexaustable and eternal experience
of all that is good and true and beautiful and right...']]
:::.:.: trust me / i know where im going // its beginning to get dark, but dont worry. / i know
where we are / will you follow me? :.:.:::
thankfully, such a life is possible, i think, if one will get up off
his bum and live it. plus also-- we may have help. and
help is ours if we but humbly ask for it. and then--and only
then-- we may have the sort of life it seems possible to only
dream about. our sweetest, craziest dreams
may become reality [--they may not, of course, but then
they might be replaced by newer, different and sweeter
dreams, i think].
:::.:.: i know it seems it was just a crazy dream / and i know my eyes were closed / but this
dream feels more real to me than life itself. // will you follow me still? :.:.:::
Posted 8/7/2004 11:39 PM
pizza boys
[eh, lots to say, maybe ill say it later. ]
[we laughed, dangit. a lot. and pizzaboys are marvelous at directions. and therefore, pizzaboys made my week, i think, and i am glad. and they gave me their phone number, so i really have it made, apprarently. ]
[its funny how sometimes quiet rings in your ears just as loudly as any noise.]
[inexplicable, indeed. hum.]
[i need you so much closer]
(6/12/2004 5:10 PM)
[we laughed, dangit. a lot. and pizzaboys are marvelous at directions. and therefore, pizzaboys made my week, i think, and i am glad. and they gave me their phone number, so i really have it made, apprarently. ]
[its funny how sometimes quiet rings in your ears just as loudly as any noise.]
[inexplicable, indeed. hum.]
[i need you so much closer]
(6/12/2004 5:10 PM)
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