and once again, leap year.

so, the other day i was telling my parents how i was watching julie & julia while my husband was out of town and it was so inspiring--cooking! pushing and stretching and editing and working toward this (hopefully) glorious end (the food, not the clean-up.) how it felt like ballet, and writing, and maybe decorating and even cleaning, if i stretch it. and i kindof missed that feeling.  the obvious solution, aside from cooking through mastering the art, they said, was writing again. huh.  (perhaps, really, the answer should be cleaning more, but that is a different problem.)
so i came back tonight, after making myself a little chocolate pie because 1) that's what she she started with in the movie:

--Do you know what I love about cooking?
- What's that?

-- I love that after a day when nothing is sure,
and when I say "nothing" I mean nothing,
you can come home and absolutely know
that if you add egg yolks to chocolate
and sugar and milk, it will get thick. 
It's such a comfort.

-Bad day?  And When will this pie be ready?

and also because my father made such a delicious pie for mother's day that the 1.8 pieces i ate simply weren't enough. and yes, daddy, when i made my meringue tonight, i used cream of tartar, in honor of you. 

so as my pie was cooling, i thought i better just check out how this little blog was doing, all alone over here in this corner of the internet, and i remembered why i got scared away last time!  and it happened again tonight! gah!  first, the last posted post was right around & about leap years day last year.  now there wasn't a leap year day, proper, but it was close enough.  and sure enough, the next time i get the urge to write something was leap year!  hence the title.  but then i got started thinking about it (why do i always want to write things on leap year!?) and got weirded out, and didnt finish. 

 

so then tonight, i was a little more serious about it, probably because i made pie, and i came back and found a post from about this time last year (it must be something about the spring air and open windows) and it was still a surprisingly relevant post.  some things i talked about there were things i was planning on talking about tonight, like cooking! weird, right?  so tonight, you get two posts.  the unpublished one from last year, and this. (i have no idea why it was unpublished.  alas.) 

 maybe next up: birth stories?  my goal is at least 300 words/week, people.  also, i realize that most people these days have pictures with their blogs.  that seems hard will be the thing standing between me and blog fame, i am sure. haha.  so if you need pictures, then, um, i'm very sorry?

leap year.

well. here goes.
i have one semi-writer acquaintance who says that her head just goes crazy when she doesnt write, or somesuch. maybe thats the trouble with me lately. i think i have had a lot of extra words lately, and maybe my poor husband would appreciate not being the one who gets to hear ALL of them. and generally when he's just about ready to go to sleep. our schedules are a little off, apparently.

__________ ridiculously enough, paragraphs below are actually inspired by the movie "leap year" which im currently watching with some of the aforementioned favorite people. and yep, leap year is actually quite a romantic day and wonderful, i think. the movie? "not quite so damn romantic." but not terrible, either. ____________

boy, last night when i felt like blogging i had a bunch of things all planned out that ought to be said! but of course, now i can't think of them. look what a measly 20 hours does to me.
tonight i was sitting with some of my people that i love and we were having such a nice time. more than one of them could testify about my talking in my sleep; isnt that strange. i wonder if rosie will inherit that. its so funny the things that i am passing onto/teaching rosie already, and i feel like its super pressurey. i also can't believe the things/how much that she is learning already; in the last several weeks shes started to saying all kinds of things, and its so great. her little voice is so cute. loooooveeee.

also, we bought a house, did i tell you that? we bought it for, like, ever ago. or at least nine months ago. it was a short sale and it needed a decent little bit of work. jed has already accomplished the biggest piece of it: putting in heat, which has been so nice all winter--we have radiators and then you get cold enough, you just go sit right on top of one of them. or put your towel on top of it when youre in the shower. thats happy. i have a to-do list a mile long for the house still, and so does jed, but, unfortunately, they are a little different. also unfortunately, his probably really are more important to get to first. jed has a good head on his shoulders. which he would forget if it werent attached. but attached it is, so we're in good shape.

this is hard. i am terrible at cultivating habits, did you know? madison (whose idea this was) just told me...um...i forgot. oh. remembered. she just told me that i need to reintroduce the 300 words a day habit. but how caaannnn iiii?

oh, i remembered somethign i did this week. i sewed some pillows. that was kindof new-ish, but they turned out. also, i'm crocheting a stash-buster, retrofabulous nice big afghan. its coming along kindof slowly, (my fingers are out of shape, apparently) but i think it'll be awesome when its done, and im kindof motovated to finish, actually, unlike most of my projects. usually im just a good starter.

one time, i went sqare dancing, did i tell you? it was my FAVORITE. EVER. i loved it so much! it was so fun, and such good exercise. and i want to do it everyday. alas. thats just not exactly practical. why does practicality win so often? that is one of the major problems in life.

here is the verse i am trying to memorize right now. because i think that actually, if i don't get a little non-practical in my life, i can actually get quite dispaired. and dreary, daily, everyday-ness is amazingly wearing on ones soul, no? we were talking tonight about whose job is hardest (teaching, student-ing, mothering, desk-ing, being a (sweet) baby). its all so draining. and we have to work so hard for each little bit of intimancy, communion, delight (although, now, with rosie, delight comes a little more easily). my verse of late says "i would have dispaired if i did not believe i would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." and while i've been studying isaiah, there are many promises of fresh-ness, new joy, streams of water in the desert. i am ready for that. how to get it, im less sure. such a conundrum. is conundrum the right word? i can't keep track of things like that. moreover, i seriously think i'm kindof loosing my grasp on the english language. a ton of times now, im talking to jed and im like "blahblah...you know that one thing...its like tall, and it has leaves and stuff...what is that?..." and hes like "a tree?" and i'm like oh yeah! a tree! its weird.

i wonder if that will go away sometime, like if i ever get more sleep sometime?
i wonder if i will feel a little less crazy now? maybe feeling crazy is a good thing? not sure. today, also, i watched a funny youtube tutorial about how to disco. i think they left out some parts, not sure-not a disco expert-, but its way harder than i thought. it was crazy.

dfaclkdjioagmknvlcajgjkngjulavklkfjgjfglfkg fguiov frklnkvjs ijofuhaqmcoprfigbjkfnbgshjgfm b
thats what i really think about that.

[on being engaged.]

well, hello.
its been too long since i have last talked to you all, and perhaps too long until i have time to do so again. nothing seems to wait around for me to have time to catch up with it. i shall try to

I. first things first
i am getting married (!). i have suspected such for a little while now, at least since two february-s (ies?) ago, and i have suspected to whom since about this march; and still i was surprised. funny how that works.

II. the bling
and i am surprised at the ring, too. its nothing like i would have probably picked out for myself, but i really love it even though ((like some other things, come to think of it) (--the boy did good. it even fit.)) i gave him only two pieces of advice on the matter, a long time ago: 1) it had better be gold and 2) i didnt want it to be so high or whatever that it caught on everything. he accomplished those two things, and then some. plus! it sparkles so much. yay.
i was talking to an eight-year-old and a six-year-old earlier today, and they were asking me why one gets the pretty ring when you get engaged, and the uglier one when you get married, because isnt getting married more important? no one who was around really had much of an answer. i dont really know myself, but i suppose its a valid question.
picking out the wedding band was much harder. i think i have found one that i like, and jed likes though, but its so hard to pick things that youre going to have to live with for the rest of your life! i am always second-guessing myself.

III. the story
here is a link to the engagement story and pictures, just in case you missed it on facebook, etc. jed seems to have a lingering wish it would have turned out a smidgin differently, but i think it was perfect, so dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

IV. what happened next.
we were so happy afterward. and i dont know when i have ever smiled so much to date. even the next day, when i was telling the story 34250678 times, i was so happy, and even jed was happy. but then it rather quickly lost its appeal, for the simple reason that wedding planning is no fun. it should be, i know. and it shouldnt be complicated, i also know, especially because i have known about what i have wanted since about 2 years ago when i started working at wedding banquets as a server, and then since now i plan a major banquet for a living. but its much harder when you're 1) spending your own money and 2) there are people you actually care about involved. that makes everything harder. and its not like i want something with icescuptures and doves and glass slippers. i just want something happy and easy and great. you would think that would be easier to come by, but alas. its not in the cards for us. (eventually, it might get there, but not anytime soon.) its hard, and i really hate making people unhappy. i did not expect this,
just as i have not expected most things that have happened in the past year or so.

V. The dress
i fell in love with a dress on the first day i went major dress shopping. (the times i went before hand, the people i talked to were just so ignorant. i knew more about wedding dresses than some of them. how is that possible?) Anyway, i could zip up this dress, but not breathe in it. no good. and i couldnt order it, because it takes a million years to get a wedding dress, apparently. so i searched at every other place possible and there was nothing. so i went back to the first place to mourn my loss, and see if there was anything i missed. 20 minutes before they closed they asked if they had shown me the discontinued dresses (they hadnt.) i found one super cheap that was perfect and bought it on the spot. hurray.

VI. the guestlist.
you see, we had some problems. we know EVERYBODY. and everybody we dont know, jed is related to. we couldnt not invite mostly everyone (we spent much time trying), sowe gave up and found the best possible way to invite everyone. because we couldnt not invite them. (how is it that so many people like us? thats a little ridiculous. wonderful, (it is admittedly a very good problem, and we are blessed, but still. its ridiculous.) and: they're mostly all coming. you may come, also, if you want.

it was the most traumatic thing EVER to find places for this whole thing to take place. i tell you what.


VII. the plan:
Saturday morning wedding & brunch reception. we like brunch, but it is terribly ironic because i am quite far from a morning person. we'll see how this goes. they keep telling me that i wont have any trouble waking up (in fact, ill have trouble sleeping for once) but i remain unconvinced.

the pictures will be after the whole thing. the family will have to suck it up and stick around if they want pictures. well, i suppose nonfamily could stick around too, if they want pictures.

hopefully this wedding will be a conglomeration of the things that we like best about weddings, and we'll leave out mostly everything we dislike. for an exhaustive list, email, or perhaps jed and i will write a few posts together on the subject, as this summer we have been practically professional wedding attenders, and jed has the usher thing down pat.

we will also have balloons. and windows, and cupcakes and the most delicious chocolates.


VII. the cake!
jed and i have a little cake for us to eat, and its so cute. more importantly, its the most delicious white cake/buttercream frosting with APRICOT filling. so, so delicious. i dont even like apricots that much, (only the thought of them). we will have white/apricot cupcakes and chocolate with cream in the middle ones for everyone, and they will all have a cherry on top. the lady at the cake store asked me what was up with the cherry, which i think is a silly question, because all the best, most perfect-looking cupcakes have a cherry on top. sheesh.


VIII. a non-wedding related moment

from summer:
apparently life is not all bad, especially in summertime. for example, i have recently discovered something that almost makes me want to stay in the country for a 100 more summers: fireflies!
i used to think that fireflies were these elusive little bugs, just 2 or 5 of them by your flowerbeds around the house in the evening, or by the tree, and they were a little teensy bit hard to catch. because there just werent very many and all that. well, this is not the case in the country--whole fields are aglow with them, and it is truly a beautifully breathtaking sight.
work: bleh. bleh,bleh.
everything: i dont feel like i have enough time for all of this! i want to enjoy this, and sink it all in, but goodness. ive been running around like a chicken.
and this is all too hard.
name: i will miss my old name very much. i think it will be very hard to stop being julie ----- and change all around to julie _____. i am much more like a ------- than i am a _____. but i have recieved reassurances that the new name is a good name, and it sounds all right and all of that, so perhaps, in time, it will be alright. but awfully weird at first. i like my name, and i have always thought that my parents did such a nice job of naming me.
hopefully: after the wedding, we can get everything nice and organized (i havent started going through the gifts and things at all (trying to get the last 12 thank you notes from showers done first, so i can make sure i have everything accounted for!), and we can eat healthier for once, and have time to read some. also, i would like to be writing more than i have had a chance to. i found an old poem when i was cleaning out stuff, and i read it again: it wasnt half bad, surprisingly. (maybe it was, but i still liked it.) and just having time to hang out together. we have been soooo busy!

IX.
still, i am so glad for everything:
church, house, job (kindof). sleeping with open windows again, and peach pie, and so on and so forth.
so many people. and especially my family.
and im glad i get to marry jed.
even if it is weird to think about.
the end, (just for tonight.)

{ once in a blue moon }

once in a blue moon is one of the things that i always say. and lo and behold, tonight is a blue moon, for real. here is an article about it. i read it (or at least skimmed it). apparently, it has not much to do with the color of the moon, and has something to do with misunderstandings in language. how appropriate. i was very interested to learn this stuff. although it was very cloudy tonight, ironically enough, and so i couldnt see it. and i was a little sad, because there is something intrinsically lovely about blue moons. another thing i say on a regular basis is: is the pope catholic? and varients thereof.

the thing that my grandpa always said was this:
i went to the river, and i couldnt get across
i paid five dollars for an old gray horse
i got to the river, and he couldnt swim,
so i knocked him on the head with a hickory limb.
whereupon we would probably also be knocked on the head, although not with a hickory limb, because we didnt have many of those. but with whatever was handy. like the newspaper. or the couch pillow. or...um...the flyswatter.

speaking of my grandpa, he passed away.
it was very sad, and very strange. but he was a good grandpa, and i know he loved the Lord a lot, so its okay. and my grandmother is wonderful about the whole thing. she kept saying (with the resoluteness of that generation) that it was just our turn, and we didnt want our turn at this, but everyone has to have one, and we can trust God. and we can. but i still cried. i have been less ashamed of tears lately. how important it is to share with each other! not just pizza, or jokes, or smalltalk, but everything. (and the second most important thing to share is stories. this is something else my grandmother was great about). the whole thing is about letting people come over with your house messy, because theirs is too, probably. at least a little bit, like in the closets. its about a willingness to be vulnerable, sometimes. not always, certainly. but its important. and hard. being real is important, and even just one real conversation can make such a big difference. really. ( i miss this.)

my grandparents have really bad timing in dying, though. (haha.) my dads mom was during all of the grandkids crazy week-before-finals (or somewhere right around there. really-super-plus busy anyway) and we all had to do a lot of shuffling to be able to be where we needed. and then my grandpa was in the middle of my sisters and cousins finals, and i missed my first big work event to be there (which ended up being okay, but i felt bad) and my cousin had to come from japan and it was dad's birthday (and we were praying jack wouldnt die then, and he didnt!). and no one ever has anything to wear for funerals, ive decided.

i am feeling slightly relieved that things still feels like summer, even though ive been working, and no vacation, really. almost a year ago, i was at the zoo. and that was lovely. and i was driving back through saint louis afterwards. that was a defining experience for me, in a least a couple of ways, and i missed things, but im not sure i would change them. and i wondered if the lions ever showed up. and how the anteater was doing.
also, i was relieved to learn tonight that there is, in fact, duck tape as well as duct tape. i always thought it should be duck, but everyone always told me duct. i like ducks better.
(my nursury was decorated with ducks. ironic, eh? death, marriages, birthdays, anniversarires, births--the whole deal, right here and now. somewhere anyway. this post is like a deluxe pizza, apparently. and i think i shall have a chocolate meringue pie instead of cake, or pizza for that matter. i love that stuff in a way which i do not, and will never, love deluxe pizza. i am a thin-crust,-lots-of-pepperoni-and-cheese girl myself.)
i did learn a great deal about funeral processions, though. it was one of my greatest fears in all my life though, because i was very near the front of the procession and i had to drive and i had my sisters, because my parents rode with my mamaw. and i had no earthly idea where on earth he was going to be buried, and i get lost in that town------so what if i lost the procession!?!?!?! i had like 30 people behind me too, so i was very worried about this. my sisters were just hoping that we would get to run a red light. and we did that too. and most happily--no one got lost! (just think of how you would never hear the end of that!) but it was pretty funny.
this is one of the things that i didnt know you could do before. and also, i dont think i knew that you should pull over if you see one, cause you should. and keep your lights on if youre in one, and keep up! and some walking guys took off their hats when they saw us.. it was very sweet, and respectful of them. this is where the south is nice. i wouldnt mind being like that.

also, i am beginning to understand, maybe, that this do unto others business does not always mean "if you dont want someone to punch you, dont punch them first." it can be much more proactive than that----whoa. if you want someone to be kind to you, be kind. if you want encouragement, encourage. if you want someone to give you their chocolate cookie, share yours first. and so on. thats harder, i think, because its so unlike what we think.

i heard an absolutely halirious story while i was in texas. someday, i will publish this one. it is often a great relief to be moderately funny sometimes.
and, while i was there, my cousin made me three awesome--and i mean awesome--cds, full of good music that i havent heard much of yet. but he didnt label anything at all, so i have no earthly idea what im listening to. ill blame it on the jetlag. he was in japan just a few days before. and you lose/gain practically a whole day, depending on which way youre going, and thats just weird. that is something that i just dont understand.
but i did learn some more about chickens this weekend.
i think when i grow up, i want to live in a house with a single or double digit house number: 15 tiffany court. 6 charles way. 10 maple street. i think that place will be very interesting and conducive to lovely things. as they already are, really. just like a blue moon.

yes, i am interested to see what will happen, dont you think?

Posted 5/31/2007 10:44 PM -

{ my screen debut }

this is my screen debut. actually, more like my literary and stage debut, but whatever.
the best part is that this conversation actually happened. like 58 times. seriously.
these were good times. and this makes me laugh so much.
(and it was in a real live play.)
and i am still curious about chickens.
and now, because its happy, my scene:


(Back at the house. Margie enters; Henry is sitting in an easy chair.)




Margie: Henry, there you are! I've been running about like a chicken.

Henry: A chicken?

Margie: Yes, I've got to find…

Henry: Marge, chickens don't just run around. The phrase is, 'I'm running around like a chicken with its head…'

Margie: I know what the phrase is, Henry.

Henry: But if you said…

Margie: Wait, how do you know about chickens?

Henry: I used to have chickens on a farm.

Margie: You did not.

Henry: Oh, no, come to think of it, I chronically lie about my past as a chicken farmer in order to pick up chicks. (HE realizes the pun, then laughs.)

Margie: It's not funny.

Henry: You get it? I didn't mean to, but it's funny.

Margie: Yeah, yeah. You always are.


(and so on.)


currently playing: the plain white T's // hey there, delilah

Posted 5/25/2007 9:22 PM

{ oh, im so scared of camels.! }

[ and im not standing here asking you to marry me. im just asking you not to marry him. and to maybe take a walk. or a chance. --john beckwith // wedding crashers. ]

so, due to unavoidable circumstances, [namely, my inability to pack anything whatsoever] i added another life experience to list. i left late on tuesday when i was coming to jackson, so i decided that i wanted to stay in a hotel cause i was getting sooo sleepy, and i thought that wasnt a good idea, maybe. so i found one that looked clean, but not too expensive or anything so i checked in and went up to my room and dumped my stuff on the bed. and i tried to turn on the tv. and it didnt work. and then i tried the lights and they didnt work. and the alarm clock didnt work, and i definately needed that, you know. so i called the front desk and said

"um, i know this is weird, but stuff in my room doesnt work."
the front desk grumpy hispanic guy: "did you turn on the lightswitch?"
me: "um, yes."
and then he explains the whole process of turning on the lights, just in case i didnt know.
and i said "well, yes, i tried that, and it didnt work."
him: well, do you really need your lights and tv?"
me: yes. i really need my lights and tv.
him: well, do you want me to come up and look at it?"

and i did, so he came and he was soo condescending, and he tried everything, but nothing worked, of course, and i laughed at his increasing perplextion about the subject. finally he decided it was the breaker, and so he fixed it and i was happy and he was glad to be leaving me, i think. heh. and then i watched wedding crashers again and fell asleep.

and then, i got to jackson, and i was running around like a chicken, which is apparently what i do in jackson, but apparently what i do everywhere, so i dont know. but there was a sign on my door that my wonderful roommates had put up and it said "welcome home, julie" and i said yes, i am home. and i was in my room. and i was with all of my friends. and i was in a town that i sortof like, even though its not even great. [maybe thats the definition of love: you sortof like it, even when its not great?] and there was great food; i probably gained like 5 pounds, but there are apparently more important things in life.

and after i was running around like a [happy] chicken, i went to BP, and it was mostly useless, but i was in nashville, and i love nashville. and i was with some people that i really like, for the most part. and i had a conversation that changed the direct focus of my life at this moment, maybe? and i was walking around the corner, and in the middle of downtown nashville and country music and motorcycles and homeless people and business people and crazy buildings and traffic, i found:
a camel.
in downtown nashville.
and he had a ring of flowers around his neck.
and he had a name: bo the camel.
and just as i walked by, a little girl ran by me, and ran in front of the camel and screamed that she was so scared of camels! ahhhhh!, and there were dogs and goats and sheep and cows and a pig and snakes everywhere, but she was worried about the camel for who knows why. all the priests and page boys were running around in magenta instead of white, and this was all happening in front of this absolutely beautiful episcopalian? [sp?] church, and the animals were going to church: it was the feast of st. francis, so they were there for a blessing. and a whole church service. and that makes sense, i suppose. i always heard that you should never turn down prayers or blessings, where ever you can get them. kindof like hugs or something. but once in a while, you just have to turn down hugs, if its sketchy enough.
i cant explain why this was a terribly important event for me. but it was. it really changed my whole weekend.
i saw a camel in nashville and life is good. or it will be good. and stuff.

i remembered that i take things too seriously when they dont necessarily need to be sooo serious. like writing. i say that if i cant do it perfectly, then clearly im not a writer, and i never will be. and also, i think that if i cant be elisabeth elliot by tomorrow or so, then why even bother reading my bible? cause clearly, im probably headed straight to hell anyway.
but no. im ridiculous. things are processes. and baby steps are o.k.a.y.
but part of the reason i think i cant write when im here, or havent been able to so far anyway, is because i just dont think im comfortable here, which is weird. cause it is home, just as much as jackson is. i have a church. and a house. and a family. and a few real friends, maybe. at least 4 of them. [well, both places are home inasmuch as i dont have a spot in either of them anymore, really. but thats okay, too. its just weird.] but anyway, the difference is this: i would wear pajamas out in public in peoria because i dont know anyone, and if i do know them [and they arent my family or a few closeish friends], i dont care enough about what they would think about me out in public in my pajamas. but i would wear my pajamas out in jackson because i do know people, and they've lived with me and they know me and, as far as i can tell, they still dont mind with me.
and i think thats a big part of why i have had a hard time getting words on a page: its amazing what feeling loved and cared about does for a person. [however, i was not prepared for how hard this could be, both ways, mind you.] and i always feel so see-through-able: i feel like everyone can tell when im feeling ridiculous or dumb or something, even though they probably arent really able to cause people dont pay that much attention. but just knowing that you are cared for regardless is quite something. and i think that when i can believe that about myself in this town, then it might feel differently for me. but im just guessing now.

also, when i was driving home from home, i picked some cotton.!

if i am having a quarter life crisis [and im not sure that i am, but i might be], and im only 22, is that a sign that i will only live until im 88? if ive only got until im 88, then my heavens. the distance between 88 and 100 suddently seems very big, even though its only 12 years.
there are big decisions to make. and things to worry about. and adventures to have. and things to do!
i want to love.
i am learning that you cant just not do something because you dont know its not foolproof.

i could start quoting garden state to you all, you know the part: "it's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place." and im not sure if i agree with that completly, or even mostly, but i do know this:

there is nowhere that i feel at home anymore, really, but i do feel at home with you.

currently playing: take it easy // the eagles

Posted 10/10/2006 10:53 AM

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

"ARGHHH!!!
i wish i had the superpower to disappear.
but, alas, i cannot! i am but a mere mortal! and what then when a person is thrown around by life's cruel intentions? will we not drown in the depths of such madness? wail about in the clear, sticky web, spun by some egomaniacal force? are we not all hidden in this veil of mortal ignorance? we are all different--so are we not all the same? are we but dreamers in a container of liquid nitrogen--freezing in a binary machine of infinirt inferiority?! this dream is never-ending! this conversation never happened! all that exists is the english* exam! my life is nothing after the bubbles are darkened!
the caveat is the textbook--her eyes stab into the gray brain of illogical conclusions. and who then will solve life's mysteries--the reports floating in cyberspace, the news-bits in the ten-second media blitz that derives forbidden pleasure from economic meltdowns and the unforeseen destruction of foreign economic policy??are we not men and women who deny this marshmallow-world, with all of its mushy truth--its own self-absorbed bitterness that falls like a single tear, with majesty as ephemeral as a swan floating on its own reflection?!?!?!??!???
answer me! for the truth, i must know! in all of its unknowable-glory! so i can die--a happy girl!* will i not know? can i know? or will these truths forever escape me like a mink hiding in a foxhole. had we only the patience, an understanding, could we know such things--but patience does not exist. there exists nothing but single moments that live and die. and tuesday* was* my 18th century drama* final.* and after thursday* will be the end of the world. but until then i exist to study. after thursday* will be the end of the world! make peace with God. make peace with nature, for the truth will set everyone free!
good day!"

p.s words followed by a star [*] may be substituted for applicable word of choice.


Posted 5/16/2006 6:28 PM

not exaggurating.

the past week[ish] [and i am not exaggurating]:

-- my greatgrandmother passed away
-- my parents and littlest sisters came to see me and we ate and stuff. it was good
and fun.
and i heard funny stories.
-- had about 47156 meetings
-- worked 25 hours.
-- slept for 25 hours [9 of those on a couch somewhere]
-- was in the DMS lab for 40+ hours
-- in class for 10 hours
-- skipped 3 classes [so i could be in the DMS lab]
-- made a Torch [mostly with her and him. they are pretty much my favorites.
and i feel kindof lost without them now.
times square dance forever]
also: it will be printed in two weeks, and you can all see it. its beautiful. and im
not kidding.
-- been to the printers. twice.
-- also, got lost on the way there.
-- argued with the DMS printer a lot of times.
-- learned how to use InDesign a lot better than i did before
-- edited my eyes out.
-- laughed a bunch.
-- co-wrote the best editorial [in Torch history.]
-- i think i took some showers?
-- i may have eaten. i know i did eat some grapes and reese's peanutbuttercup
eggs and cheeze-its one time. and a waffle once.
-- broken 6-7 peoples hearts probably.
-- spun around a million times in the DMS chairs.
-- watched the sun come up 3 times
-- listened to some really good music.
-- been really mad a few times.
-- watched a lady shuffle papers for an hour.
-- learned about copyright law. and acupuncture points.
-- thought about a lot of things
-- i have not understood some things, but people wont explain.
-- wrote a poem
-- was embarrassed at least 3 times
-- decided about graduation, etc.
-- went to klemata
-- answered emails
-- made and answered a million phone calls
-- lost my favorite pair of earrings, and then bought a new pair for a dollar and
then found the old ones.
-- gotten [the real kind of poked] about 326 times.
-- and also, i stubbed my toe, and got a scratch on my finger.

i forget what else. mostly i just ran around like crazy like a chicken. and now i am sleepy. but satisfied, i think. and alive. hum.
real thoughts later, i promise.

currently playing: fast car
Posted 4/23/2006 12:08 AM

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

i am running around. like a chicken.


currently playing: death cab for cutie
Posted 4/11/2006 12:11 PM

[the world offers itself to your imagination]

it has been an unexpected week. my goodness. not that i didnt expect this week to happen, because i did. but unexpected things happened this week. you know.

my blinds are open, and its so windy. its making lots of noises. but just now i gave up and opened them. it makes my room hot because it is hot outside, but i like to let the nighttime in. even if i dont have my woods and drunk men anymore.
here is a poem that i do not entirely agree with, because maybe you should be good and repent sometimes, but it meant something to me this week, regardless:

wild geese
you do not have to be good.
you do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
you only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
tell me about dispair, yours, and i will tell you mine.
meanwhile, the world goes on.
meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the praries and the deep trees,
and the mountains and the rivers.
meanwhile, the whold geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

this week was confusing. things that are fine, were not fine and things that should not be fine, were. and things were weird, and backwards, and one minute i was feeling one way, and the next completely another. not even like mood swings, cause thats not what they were, just something else. and i couldnt decide if i am how i am supposed to be [not how i want to be, mind you. but rather: maybe i shouldnt write? maybe my hair should be longer? maybe i should move to new zealand? or give blood? maybe.maybe.maybe-s all over the place.] and i dont know what i mean by that really, but there it is. and i know where who i am ought to be found, of course, but that is hard, and im not really sure exactly what it means in real life. all i know is what they say in sunday school, and im not sure that always translates neatly, or even at all. although it should.[!]

lucky for me, internet quizzes exist for just this reason.
my inner hair color is brunette ["you are mysterious and alluring]. i am a converse shoe ["because you like them and look good in them."] i am pocahontas ["mysterious."] if i were a sharpie, i would be turquoise ["follow the rainbow next time you see it."] if i were a constellation, i would be cygnus, the swan. ["you're the elegance and grace of the constellations"] i should be a comic writer ["you have plenty of material"], and i am mud pie ["perfect combination of flavor and depth."] isnt it funny how these things are never like "congratulations! you suck as a person, and at life. most people hate you. 838733 took this quiz. 2% of people got this result" they are always complimentary. but not always wrong, i dont think. for example, i got this result for one of them: "Your inner self has really nice eyelashes, and you know a good wink is worth a thousand words. Emoticons bug you, because ; ) is such a poor substitute for the real thing." and thats true! [well, i dont hate them, i just do think the real thing is super much better.] and i do have a thing for mascara.
alright i just wasted 35 minutes of my life taking quizzes for the purposes of this paragraph. well, i took one for fun, and then i got addicted. you know. but still 35 minutes wasted. just like that time i watched titanic. gag me with 69 spoons.

one thing i want to know is when its okay to talk about things and process things and work through things, and when they just need to be buried, or let go or both. it cant be healthy to keep everything inside all the time and stuff, but at the same time, whats the use of dragging it all out and everything until you feel sure that you are "over it" and all of that?

last week was national sleep awareness week. i dont think i was aware enough. at all.
but apparently i should do more things when i just wake up, because your brain is all clear. thats when i need to write my thesis. ah hah!

i need to think of more things. in the real way. and read more.
i ran around in the tornado rain last night. i got wet.

"in my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that i've been turning over in my mind ever since. 'whenever you feel like criticizing any one,' he told me, 'just remember that all the people in this world havent had all the advantages that you've had."
i thought of the beginning of gatsby this week because in my group that i was leading there was a girl who said she had just gotten married so her nametag wasnt right anymore. and then, in the middle of the session i was conducting, it hit me that she was a junior in highschool [meaning probably 16 years old], pregnant and she just got married. and it just hit me crazy weird. i mean, she can barely even drive a car, and here she is tackling two of the biggest things in life. and plus highschool. and thats something completely different. i cant imagine getting married right now and i am 21, let alone pregnant. eventually? absolutely. but not just yet. and i was impressed at her, and sorry for her and mad at me all at once because i was ungracious in my mind when she was being difficult. when really, it was expected--she was pregnant and all. i am rarely what i mean to be.

nevermind, i dont know what im saying, exactly.
maybe i should eat a cookie [rolie-polie-snickerdoodles [what a name! but they are osogood]] and go to sleep. yes.

Posted 4/2/2006 8:50 PM

where babies, etc., come from

i got my job back today. i was going to work at somewhere else, but then that didnt work, and i was unhappy, because i need to work, and because they told me that i could work there. and so for about 30 hours i was very irritated and mad because as much as i like to not work, i want to work too. i feel all accomplished when i do, and i like that. and i get paid. its not a bad deal. and i thought to myself that i just needed to sloowww down, and practice trusting God for just one or five minutes, because hes probably going to take care of me just like always, but i kept forgetting, and i was bad at it. but then He did, i think, and i have the job back that i left here waiting for me, and they fixed all, or at least some of the things i didnt like about it. but my favorite stock guy left cause so i wont have anyone to talk to sometimes, but my favorite manager and mother-y lady are still there, so im terribly happy about that.
also: let me just annouce that i can make good peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even if i cant make french toast. i tried to make french toast yesterday because i wanted it ever so much, but i think i failed. its on my list to practice. but it probably has to wait in line. when i came to college i lost a few of those cooking skills for who knows why. but i think they're coming back? heres hoping anyway.

i found my lucy ricardo shoes today when i was putting up shoes. i forgot i had them almost, but i think i love them muchly, i [re]decided that today. just because they are halirious. if my pants were slightly shorter, then i could probably even be just like her, cause my hair is red[ish]. except for im not that funny. im probably decently funny, when i write, once in a blue moon [hey, i think those things actually really exist, but ive never even seen one], but thats all. goodness, i do love i love lucy muchly. very halirious.
well, i probably couldnt be her at all, but i do like these shoes muchly, for unexplainable reasons.

i had lots more things to say, i feel rather sure, but i cant seem to remember them at present because i have been neglecting my notebooks as of late, because i dont even know why because ive been thinking all kinds of things that should be written down. so when i think of them again, ill write them down. tomorrow i will write at least 5 pages down in that thing, i decided, because i have neglected it soo muchly. although that will take a whole lot of discipline, because 5 pages can be a whole lot longer than it is initally, even though they arent even full pages. but it must be done, so that is that.
it is rather obnoxious to forget things, especially things you want to remember.

oh, i know. i found out that in biology our teacher [who was in the military and spent most of his time in guam and consequently told stories about that all the time] skipped a very important chapter in the textbook. consequently, the other day, when my roommate [who was trying to study so she decided to do it outloud cause i was probably talking, i dont remember, but its likely. i dont think she likes it when i talk to her a lot sometimes, well, actually just when she studies. but sometimes she does like it, and she even talks back. its really clever.] anyway, she was reading to me out of her developmental psych book and it was telling all about how when they are 3 weeks old babies have the beginnings of a brain and when they were 4 weeks old there was a heartbeat. and i was just totally in awe, because that doesnt even make any sense how that could be there, because it wasnt there before. and then i found out that they were cells. and that all they did was divide and then just like that there was a heart. and a nervous system and all kinds of normal people things. i mean, when i think of cells dividing, i think of bacteria. or cancer. yes. not babies. i dont know how i thought it happened before, and i dont know why i didnt know, really. no one ever explained to me the exact details about the cells, and i guess i didnt think about it, and mr. science teacher was too wrapped up in guam to explain such mysteries. but i was really just impressed about how clever God is. and how crazy it is that stuff like, oh i dont know, life works.
it reminded me this summer of when my moms friend got to explain to me all about how chicken eggs work. i had no idea, really. and poor thing, she did such a good, tactful job, and told me just enough to satisfy the curiousity but left enough to my imagination that if i went to look it up for real, i might learn one or two things more. it was also very funny. but i think my mother and i laughed more than she did; she probably didnt laugh very much. but she has chickens on her farm, so she knew all about it, and [i dont think?] she didnt mind explaining it to me, although i think my mother would have rathered me look it up or something, because it may not have been of general interest. oh well. there are times when things of general interest just doesnt need to happen, [although no prepositions at the end of sentences always needs to happen, gah. i think my grammar is slipping in my old age. and did i mention that i was half published for real the other day, and it was ever so exciting. and also, i was soo excited to be an english major when i was watching that movie down there and i loved it and i felt so literate and stuff cause i knew exactly what was going on because i have read--really read [for class, admittedly. im not that much of an english person]--the iliad and the odyssey and an i was all like oooh. i love that guy homer. he was an absolute[!] genuis. i do like smart men.] but anyway, sometimes general interest is useless and ungeneral interest happens. and then sometimes you end up talking about things and you arent really sure why and its weird and funny but good. just good. and thats all there is to that.

currently watching: o brother, where art thou?

Posted 1/10/2006 1:56 AM -

good,strong,sweet-smelling detergent

from the mixed up files of mrs. basil e. frankweiler is, perhaps, one of the most influential books that i have ever read. i dont even know how that works, because its not even the best book ive ever read, but it reallyreally is wonderful, just like libraries and hotfudgesundaes and sunday afternoon naps. because those are things that should be had, and i am not even exagurrating. but anyway: this book has really influenced a whole lot of things in my life, and i seem to have managed to memorize whole sections of it, because i have read it that much [because it is very re-readable, and its that nice kind of re-readable where you dont even have to read the whole thing, you can just pick it up from the middle.] but anyway, the part that came to mind this thanksgiving was when claudia was falling asleep in marie antoinette's bed and it says "she, too, was hungry. and she, too, was uncomfortable. how could so elegant and so romantic a bed smell so musty? She would have liked to wash everything in a good, strong, sweet-smelling detergent." i wanted to do that. and sometimes i cant.

* * * * *

i can hardly imagine a childhood not full of baking cookies and mother goose and hurt-but-because-we-love-you spankings and roomcleaning and giggles and exploring.
then i remember that this is not always the case, and i am sad.

[ also, i can hardly even begin to understand about all the differences of people--all the smallest parts of your brain, and all the secrets that are hidden inside, and all the inside jokes and funny things, and sad things and tear-worthy things, and things-to-be-passionate-about and favorites and petpeeves and conversations and everything.
it makes my head hurt to think about that probably, because i dont even know how that works.]

anyway, when i go to tennessee, [which sounds funny to say because, i was already in tennessee, of course, but there it is. i was going to the other side of it anyway,] but anyway, when i am there, i remember--more personally--that people hurt and are not okay. and so often, they arent okay in ways that they dont even know they arent okay because they are so used to not being okay that they think it really is okay, but its not. like for example, margaret, age 8, who is my 2nd cousins daughter, i think [but i may be wrong] and [i think?] her dog had fleas and its losing its fur and its gross and her mom wont get the medicine for it, but she loves it because thats all she has, and her mom has had who knows how many boyfriends, and she has no father present, and everyone around yells at her for no reason, and im sure she struggles in school, and shes growing up in a home where i had to not breathe very much [and breathe through my sleeve] because it smelled like gross. and that makes me sad for margaret, and that she wont know that things arent supposed to be that way.
and then i dont understand about life and things, and it makes me sad.
and i can sit there and sniff my shirt sleve [which did, thankfully, smell like a good strong detergent. but then i get so mad at myself cause im sure a lady wouldnt do that. i need to be so much more gracious. i want to be that.] while im at those smelly places all day [but only while no one is looking], but it wont really do anyone any good. its still there--both the smell and the circumstances.
and then i feel bad because i feel like i should do something about it, but i cant really do anything about it, except for try to be wonderful to margaret while im there and talk to her and maybe even hug her, but nothing else, so why should i even bother? it probably wont make any difference anyway, but, then again, it might [thats mother teresa again for you]. so i dont know.
[i need to know the importance of small.]

* * * * *

i think that it was yesterday when i remembered that i cant draw brackets very well at all. and this is rather unfortunate because i like them muchly better than parenthesis. therefore:
no brackets unless typed [!]
[unless i practice a whole bunch first]

* * * * *

also: its weird to think about all of the things that have happened before i got here. it was weird to stand in williamsburg, for example, and places like that and think that "hey, george washington probably slid his hand down this stairwell just like im doing now." and wondering how many other people had danced on that very same dance floor and where are they now and what are they doing and stuff. and all of the people doing all kinds of things and so much has happened already, and so much more will happen and we're all crazy different and crazy similar and a whole hoo-shaah of other things and it makes me want to run around like a chicken. but only in my head. other things really do make me run around like a chicken for real, and not just in my head, but plenty of things make the running around happen only in my head. and its nice to know that just because sometimes you are running around in one of those places, you are not necessarily running around in the other place.

but whether im running around like a chicken or not: i cant forget to breathe.
and while im breathing, i can do a contented little sigh, probably.
because mostly, life is good. you know. [except if i forget to breathe then it wont be good anymore].

* * * * *

these are pretty things ive been reading today:
i missed this in the beginning of church this morning, which is not unexpected. im usually [always] late for church. bother. but the clever thing about it was, i could look it up later, so i did.

o israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. he himself will redeem israel from all their sins. i wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word i put my hope.

and this is the 5th poem [well, actually, just part of it] that i read today when i should i have been taking a nap or something else, like homework or something. [when i read poetry, i dont read one all the way through, until i find one that suits me, and then i read it osonicely [10pointfont, deep slow voice] and savor it. and this one was lovely, like sundayafternoon naps, and hotfudgesundaes and a good sunburn, the barely there, but slightly pink and warm and a smidgin painful kind. and that analogy is right, i think.

...famous streets have forgotton
where they were going. only
a fact could be so dreamlike.
they're tearing down the houses
we met and lived in,
soon our two bodies will be all
left standing from that era.

we have, as they say,
certain things in common.
i mean: a view
from a bathroom window
over slate to stiff pigeons
huddled every morning; the way
water tastes from our tap,
which you marvel at, letting
it splash into the glass.
because of you i notice
the taste of water,
a luxury i might
otherwise have missed.

Posted 11/27/2005 8:58 PM -

»» a succession of confessions: «

[i have been wondering about catholic people lately. mostly because of mother teresa, you know. confession#1: catholic people confuse me on several points. but thats besides the point strictly at hand; confessions seemed appropriate in spite of my confusion.]

» i lovelovelove to read magazines. i have read practically every word that counts of every magazine in our room, and i hate it when they call me quickly at the dentist, cause then i didnt have time to read all of the last issue of good housekeeping, or whatever [usually at the dentists, you get stuck with strictly womens magazines, or parenting, or ESPN. there is no middle ground with dentists, and they dont believe in target audiences like little kids, teenage girls, or anything else, and they hardly believe in anything interesting. but its alright. i dont mind good housekeeping too much, really. yeah, i like it actually].
if i had more time, i would read more magazines [i would read more books too. i should do that anyway. [oooh, and write more] books dont make you feel fat, anyway, and thats one thing in their favor. one feels inherently more fat after you read a magazine, at least a decent magazine. but i still like it muchly anyway, and i just go get a hotfudgesundae to make myself feel better about feeling fat.]

» i forget things that i should already know. like last night there was a ring around the moon and it was big and bright and clear and wonderful. and we looked it up one time about why it does that, but i forgot why. and also the other night when it looked like the moon was being pulled along o-so-quickly by mars, i think. and i felt like i should run after it, lest i lose it, and the moon would be lost forever. when i got home, i was telling my roommates about it and they were like "the clouds were moving, not the moon, stupid." and i really had forgotten that. i was amazed about the moon moving that fast. but they burst my bubble, but i'll survive and i love them still just the same [both the moon and the roommates, actually]. and i forget how to spell gandhi. ghandi? ganhdi? gandhi? gahndi? i forget. and my tornadobuddy, ben, said that maybe it was spelled like ghanna, the country, with the h in the front like ghandi but i said no silly, ghanna the country and gandhi the person arent the same thing, but maybe he was right after all? [he is the guy that said "this, too, will pass. just like a swallowed quarter" and thats pretty smart.] but i have no idea, i forget. and also, i forget if gandhi ever wore a hat.

» also, i forget to breathe sometimes, especially when i talk my head off, which i have certainly been doing lately. i had a pretty good set of less talkative days [3 in a row!] this weekend, but then on monday i decided to talk my head off again. and yesterday i caught myself 3--three!--times and had to tell myself that really, it is necessary to breathe when i talk, and to put space in between my words. and you know that if i catch myself doing that, then its really awful. and also: its possible that i ask too many questions.

» sometimes, i forget how to sit in one spot. i run around in circles. and im restless, and want to cut my hair, and things like that. and i do stupid things, and i feel bad, and i beat myself up and stuff. but theres no need. cause regrets dont help, and neither does fretting, or feeling bad or worrying, or much anything else [well, a few things do, of course: laughing, hotfudge, friends, sleep, impulse buying [o goodness, i think im turning into an impulse buyer. but i think thats genetic?] and things like this. but sometimes you cant have these things right away, and you still just have to be a grown-up lady [-in-training.]
and thats hard work, but good, necessary work. theres a new day tomorrow; what a pleasant thought.

» i only sortof like mint chocolate chip icecream, and i feel bad, cause i think that i think that everyone is supposed to love that kind. and i like it, but i wouldnt pick it if i had the choice. if i had the choice [at a baskin-robbins type place, because i pick different things at different places. or based on mood. im a very mood oriented chooser. with my music, and food, and books, what i wear [!] and all kinds of things. its kind of obnoxious, cause i never know exactly what i'll feel like, so it makes it hard to be prepared [i should have been a boyscout. or something]. thank heavens there are a [precious] few favorites that are pretty much standard, and that i am a pretty much easy-going person, even when i dont get exactly what i want, cause usually if i want it and dont get it, ill still want it tomorrow, so theres a good chance to get it. its not like i would have missed my one opportunity for it. also: i am a good person to eat with [especially at a mexican resturant] because i like the small, broken chips, and i dont want the chunky parts in the salsa. but im also a bad person to eat with because i take small bites regardless of when or what i eat. but o well, such is life. i am also not a person who eats one thing at a time. i like to mix it up.] anyway [!] if i had the choice between mintchocolatechip and something else, i would pick rockyroad. i like that stuff. but thats probably genetic too.

» usually im pretty good about remaining calm, but sometimes i really do forget how to just "go with the flow, man" and how to let things just simmer up out of me. i try to rush, and hurry, and all of that, but simmering and bubbling over is the best way, decidedly.
i think i just need to listen to more hippie music.

Posted 11/15/2005 8:25 PM

(this will do. (for now))

this will do for now:
[my apologies if youve seen it, or some of it, before. some of it i wrote new. but packing turns my brain to mush, and i hyperventalate, so i cant write anything new much, even though i want to. but my policy, as of today, i guess, is to try and not do more than one thing at a time that causes hyperventalation, and seeing as writing and packing both cause such, im being forced to pick the other. but i have strictest instructions to just go to sleep if i start to hyperventalate too much, so i might do that too. what would i do without people telling me what to do when i hyperventalate? im sure i dont know.
but i was thinking of it again today when i was packing. again. oooh. someday child, we're gonna get it together. i think, maybe?]

i can distinctly recall the first time i packed something. i have no middle, you know, im all extremes and this first time i packed for something i was terribly excited. i was packed early. the only problem, was, of course, that i was packing for something that didnt actually need packing. [i believe we were going away for the afternnoon to somewhere like an hour away or something.] i had packed this huge duffel bag full of everything that i might actually need for like a week--my toothbrush, and clothes and probably 10 books and shoes and ponytailholders and everything. i mean, i was prepared. and i was probably even packed the night before. but my parents were like "you dont need all that stuff...blahblahblah" for the whole morning but i was convinced i did, but daddy wouldnt be a part of it, and he wouldnt put it in the trunk or anything so i had to stuff it at my feet and stuff so i remember being terribly squished and stuff and my sister, who had probably only brought a teddybear and a book or something, had all kinds of room. after a while, i began to see the unnecessity of all of my packing efforts and it seems as if my family was gently poking fun of it to, but maybe im making that part up. but--under no circumstances was i going to admit that i didnt need all the stuff i had worked so hard to pack. so. i began to pray and pray that our car would break down or something and we would be stranded overnight where ever we were and i would be the only one who had pajamas and my toothbrush and stuff. and then they would be sorry.
but no such luck. i was just squished.
anyway, i blame this for my resistence to packing now. or something. or maybe its genetic.

someone said last night that the nature of people is to leave. which is practically the saddest thing i had heard all day, maybe. and i dont know. as much as i want to believe that that isnt the case, maybe it is. goodness, i think im a stayer, though. i mostly think that i never actually want to leave anywhere. sometimes, i do, of course. but you know. and once we are friends, i want to be friends with you pretty much for forever. [except, sometimes im bad at being a good friend. this, among other things, makes me irritated at myself. and i dont like being irritated at myself. because then it feels as though everyone is irritated with you, and i certainly dont like that. like anne--
whenever your nose and eyes get red you just seem red all over." yes, when it rains, i suppose it pours.]
so--what a contrast to people, then, that He is faithful and graceful. very hard to understand that especially when it seems that it should be just the opposite. but its not, and im not complaining.
things can be lovely, you know, even though--.

unknown, unknown. ho-hum.
ive made it to my bed to sleep about every other night. all the other nights ive landed in other places. usually thats ok. i like the couch. but last night i wanted to sleep in bed, but i got stuck at the couch. hrm.
i have simultaneously the best and worst memory ever. i forget things that are important. but i dont mean to. it makes me ososad. and i dont even know what i want. i need to be more aware of like...half my life. and half of the rest of the world. and half of the magic.
either way, now is not the time to stop feeling, just because it might hurt later. so, pack away, little pilgrim.

// but things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do / and i would gladly hit the road, get up and go, if i knew / that someday it would lead me back to you / that someday it would lead me back to you.
[maybe thats all i need?] //

Posted 8/24/2005 2:24 AM

explosions!

"dude, my favorite part is when they explode"

--guy next to me at fireworks

well, im not sure that that guy had any particular prophetic intentions when he uttered those fateful words, but this afternoon, a bomb or something exploded in our yard. it was terribly exciting, and sortof worrisome. it was so loud; all the old neighbor men came out, and others too, and there was lots of smoke and a huge hole in the grass. and it was right by my car too, so its a good thing that it didnt blow that up. we called the police cause the old neighbor men insisted--they felt sure that it was an act of terrorism, or at least neighborhood violence [im really happy that it didnt consist of a 911 call. i almost did call 911 when i thought the grass was on fire based on all the smoke, but then it wasnt, so i didnt. but then my mom called the police. i would have been unhappy if she got to call 911 and i didnt cause it would have been my third time, and im great at it, let me tell you. its cause i stay calm in emergencies. but it wasnt, so she didnt, and i wasnt unhappy.]--and and then the police got there, way quicker than i thought police get places. i guess its cause they decided to put bombs blowing up in peoples yards high on the priority list, which i think is sweet of them. and he interviewed the witnesses and took down the details and confiscated the evidence and stuff. that took a while. the main witness, of couse, went to go shopping before he got there, even though he did get there quick. and everyone tried to tell him everything at once. but he said he would go look for the suspects, which as best that we could figure out, were 2 females and one male in a white 4-door car with a stick of dynamite or an M-1000 or something. he probably wont find them though, of course. but ill tell you what, on my way to work there were like 4 white cars parked on the side of the road. that was crazy. but the scariest thing was when my dad came home, it was dark, and he has a silver car, but in the funny streetlight [which we broke last year] his car looked white. but he pulled his car up so the headlights were shining on the hole so he could look at it cause he hadnt seen it all day, but we thought that it was a white car coming to finish the job or something, so me and my mom and my sister were all like "AHHHH! WHITE CAR! AHHHHHHHHH!" but it was just daddy. but it was scary, i thought i was going to get my leg blown off or something. im glad that didnt happen, actually.
one time my mom had a friend who sat on a firework or something. ha.
i guess we're really the ones who do cause trauma in the neighborhood. cause last year, we put out the power for like the whole neighborhood. our tree fell on the powerline for like everyone. and i think thats what made the streetlight funny. we mostly just had a block party, cause everyone was outside with candles and their beer of course. we just had the candles though. you know.
[ i wish that writing could capture vocal expressions sometimes, cause whenever i say you know i say it in a really certain way that i mean to say it. but italics dont make that happen the right way, and i dont know how to make it denote that when i write it. cause thats how i mean it. bother.]

in other news [as if any news could top that]: vaccuuming makes me thoughtful. and i want to bake when im thoughtful, at least in the summer. that could be detrimental for my waistline. and i wish my thoughfulness was more productive and creative and all of that. also: oh goodness, so many also things, but i cant even probably remember them all. its all a mess in my head anyway.
i need to make a to-do list. i do better with those i think.
im all unsettled; i think i get unsettled too easily. after all of the life-explosions all semester and everything, you would think i would be used to little whispers of changing things, and moving things, and growing things. but arent growing tree roots sometimes massively destructive too, sometimes? i dont even know. o! but speaking of growing things: sad news: we think the robins eggs hatched, but we think they may have died, cause we havent seen the mom around ever since the bomb went off, and so she probably either was killed or something in the explosion or was scared off, and the baby birds starved to death. muchly sad. [oh, but today, they might be alive again we think.]

"Throw it down [the caution blocks you from the wind]
Hold it up [to the rays]
You wait and see when the smoke clears
Wear it out [the way a three-year-old would do]
Melt it down [you're gonna have to eventually, anyway]
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You grieve you learn, you choke you learn
You laugh you learn, you choose you learn
You pray you learn, you ask you learn
you love you learn, You cry you learn,
You lose you learn, You live you learn"

...finding as He promised: perfect peace and rest.

i think need a good dose of reality, a equal amount or more of the sweetness of things, a chocolate milkshake, [or a brownie, either will do nicely,] a good, near-by, summer [?], movie-watching [?], friend [.], a million dollars and about 3 more pillows. hum.

goodnight, you.

Posted 7/5/2005 9:52 PM

(cozy)

well. all ive done this whole week is work at two places, and its official: i will look like a zebra, or a ghost for the rest of the summer. i always manage to get jobs that require the employees to wear black and white for the uniform. can i just say that black and white are nearly the two colors that i look worst in? i mean, im so pale already that im practically the same color as the white shirt and black just makes me look like a ghost. so, i look gross all summer. but its ok. [< [speaking of beauty, you have to half admire and half worry about a guy who tries to flirt when hes at perkins. i mean, for one thing, the outfits are yucky. if you are still thought to be worth flirting with when you are working at perkins he must be either an especially sweet guy who can look past that stuff or an especially desperate guy. and either way you just gotta feel sorta bad for him because 1) he just really needs some help or 2) he just that sweet and he really should have a sweet girl already and he probably just got broken up with for some dumb reason like she didnt like the name of his goldfish]>>] [but i dont know what im going to do when i get married, cause im not going to wear a pink dress or anything. not that i look all that great in pink--my hair is red. but better pink than white ? hm. i guess ill just look gross then too.] and at work yesterday, some guy told me that my hair will never turn gray. isnt that something. not that i believe him or anything. [and also whats embarrassing is that my youth pastor came up to my sister and asked about the six gallons of milk that she and i alone went through in a week and a half. well, actually, i probably drank 4.7 of those, and of course, she was quick to point that out. but the point is, we certainly didnt tell him that, how did he know that? thats sortof weird. im weirded out.] and also: i lovelovelove it when people remember me. theres this guy that comes into perkins every afternoon and just sits there for hours and writes or studies or reads. and i havent seen him for a whole year, till this week and he was just like "hey julie how are you" and he remembered my name and everything. that makes me the happiest girl ever. it really does. my parents got chinese takeout tonight. i cant recall that happening a single time in my whole entire life. they never ever get chinese takeout. it was weird. it was like last summer when they had a thing with KFC takeout. they never did that before last summer either and then they did it like 38 times. hm. so i guess by the end of the summer ill be an expert at chopsticks. and i think they make the fortunes in the cookies so that they could happen to anyone. but it was pretty weird cause the lucky daily numbers on mine were 7 0 1. which is super weird cause 701 is my house number. and thats like that one time last summer when i applied for a job at blockbuster and then i went to the dentist and was reading magazines [i lovelovelove reading magazines. sometimes i go to walmart just to read them. and thats the only reason i like going to the dentist. i get so mad if they call my name really fast after i get there, cause by the time i dig through all of the piles of magazines from 2001 [and who even knows why the current issues are under all of those, but they usually are] and flip it open, they call my name and i dont get to read it. muchly unhappy when that happens.] but the cover on one of the magazines it said "find your perfect summer job here!" and i thought it was going to be a quiz so i flipped to it, but it was horoscopes and i figured i would read it anyway even though i dont believe in it and it said that i should work at a movie or music store. but then i got a job at the resturant--but later in the summer blockbuster called me back for an interview. i didnt go of course, cause i had already gotten a job. but it was still weird. [oh, and im muchly sad too cause the motorcycle store called back finally and they wanted to interview me, but i already two jobs this time. they should have been quicker. but it really would have been haliriously awesome.] and thats like me and superstition--i dont believe in it, but i still knock on wood and throuw salt over my shoulder. o well. and last night i slept on the couch. i love to sleep on the couch. my senior year of highschool i slept there like every night and i used to hate it in the beginning. but i did it so much cause i would fall asleep doing homework and such that it grew on me and now i love it. there are just some nights that are couch nights and last night was one of those. the best nights are of course, if its a couch night, to sleep on the couch till about 6 in the morning and then move to your bed and go back to sleep for however long is possible. but its not nice to sleep on the couch if 1) you needed to be up the next morning and you forgot to set your alarm cause you didnt intend to fall asleep 2) it was a bed night, not a couch night after all, or 3) its an uncomfy couch. but really, the comfortablility of a thing doesnt really bother me at all when im asleep. cause i sleep through pretty much anything regardless of where im sleeping. which is a handy skill to have *knock on wood*. and i learned that robins eggs are muchly smaller than i thought, which is terribly interesting. also, this is embarrassing to admit, but i guess i must have been absent the day in second grade or whevever it was that we learned how exactly eggs work. like what makes them turn into eating eggs, or chicks? i sortof know in theory, but not in reality. and im not exactly sure that i want to know, and im sure i can look it up and stuff. but im still sortof curious. like: will the eggs stretch as the chick gets bigger? or is it like skin? or what. [i found out about the size of the robins eggs cause theres a nest in our fern. its a real fern. not a fake one. but its ok to water it, even though theres a nest there.] nests are cozy things arent they?
cozy.cozy.cozy.cozy.cozy.cozy.cozy.cozy.cozy.cozy.cozy.cozy.cozy.cozy.cozy.cozy.cozy.cozy. i want to be a cozy person in all the best senses of the word. if that even makes sense.

Posted 6/30/2005 10:55 PM

[harbinger of woes]

i think i pretty much settled it in my mind this afternoon: i need a little black dress. i dont know how i have survived this long without it, but i think since i have survived thus far [even after my near death experience this morning--this morning i was running late, of course [i alwaysalways run late for church, which by the way, is always strange without my father there. i cant make it on time to church to save my life, whether he is there or not, unfortunately.] so anyway i was brushing my teeth while prepraing to run the straightener through my hair and the straightener was on the side of the sink and it fell into a sink of water. my first thought was of course, why that is an electrical device. it shouldnt sit in a sinkful of water. but to remedy that, i reached in and got it out, which only afterward did i manage to think that that was incredibly stupid [but what are you supposed to do instead?]. but i decided not to straighten my hair, and give the straightener a chance to rest, which it is now happily doing.], and have turned out so well or something [i might be exaggurating there], i think i ought to have a little black dress. so hum.
and i was thinking about it, and i feel sure that i would look better on a consistent basis if i could do things my way more often-- if i could go shopping right before the event and always find what im looking for. i think i get a sense right before something of how that somethings going to be, and how i ought to look for it. and if i have enough time and money to go shop before said event, i can usually end up looking smashing for that particular event. as it is, my favorite clothes are usually the ones i buy in any such circumstance, because i know what i want, and what will look good and stuff. but somehow i loose this sense if im just regularly shopping. i dont even know why that is, but its irritating. maybe its just further evidence that i procrastinate frequently and with a certain amount of skill. im not perfect at it, but im not the worst procrastinator ever, either.
and also, any other way, you just never have anything to wear when you want to go somewhere. regardless of whats in your closet or whats clean. none of its perfect, ususally. bother.
ive been thinking about clothes lately, obviously, and this may or may not be inspired by the eighties movies ive been watching. clothes are important, or at least noticeable, in eighties movies. in this last week i have watched: wedding singer, big, whats eating gilbert grape, my best friends wedding, and forget paris. [yay! but hm. that may be responsible for my lack of productivity. ive been the least necessary amout of productive this week. except for that doesnt make sense, cause ive seen about only half of all of them, so i still should have plenty of time, in theory. but its ok. thats what mondays are for--to fix all the unproductivity of the last week.] and before the next week is out, i intend to watch say anything, breakfast club, and sixteen candles. [yay!] and those may not all be strictly 80s, but 1) they all have the hair for it regardless and 2) they are old enough that i cant strictly remember their beginnings, just vague grownup mumblings about them, so they count anyway. i wonder if there are anymore very important 80s movies that im missing. i wouldnt know exactly, cause i was just born or 5 years old or something.
tonight, my sister brought me a chicken and a gallon of milk and then she said "here i brought you some presents. now im going out and i hope you have a nice night." well. alright. since that is pretty much all i need to have a nice night [???], i guess im set [???].
[i sortof think that that chicken deserves a name. berry or something, i guess. "congratulations, berry, you won an all expense paid nice night with a lovely lady who will probably eat you for dinner, with some lovely macandcheese and peas and milk or something. come on down. what do you have to say about that tonight, berry?" er. something.]
p.s. in the middle: i think my punctuation not to mention my parenthetical remarks are out of control. and i think im getting more longwinded in my writing. pooh.
and my life always get tangled up with the most unexpected people. at least, i dont expect them. maybe other people do. more on this laterish.
well, i dont suppose anything drastically tragic has happened yet [unless you count the paragraph immediately preceeding, which im not sure is tragic, just sortof foreboding or something], so, i dont suppose this ought to be titled harbinger of woes after all. but that was the one thing in church this morning that the pastor said that i really liked the sound of, just for the sound of it. there are several phrases like that. i forget what they are now, except for this: i never have been seriousserious about planning my wedding, like the girls in highschool who bought stacks and stacks of bridalzines or anything, [but yes, ive thought about it, like all girls will] but practically the only thing that i am for sure about my wedding is that [1) i want to have one eventually and] 2) that the phrase "What God has joined together, let no man tear asunder" shall be uttered. and "tear assunder" it shall be--none of the new translations of it. "tear asunder" is one of the most thrilling sounding phrases, especially when said by a nice deep pastoralish voice. tearasunder tearasunder tearasunder. yeah, ive always loved that one.
and also, the word of the day is gravitas--which means high seriousness [in regard to someones looks]. i didnt know that. i would have guessed something about "free." but thats the wrong thing--clothes arent free, of course, and unfortunately. thats where guessing gets you, i suppose. which is not, i suppose as bad as assuming things. but either way, its not learning. [today was all full of mathish problems that i learned [and learning is not guessing]:
alarm=too early hair=unstraight running=late red light=chance to put on mascara mercy=great grace=free pardon=multiplied pride=chief vice God=big me=small $5=enough for lunch for two happy=fathers day reading=nap chocolate=gone, but coming night=nice, with presents conversations=waiting giggling=yes. miss=things me=still unsettled music=good.
and all that=good enough for me for now.] but the problem with learning is whether or not it will stick in your head tomorrow. as my test scores etc.etc. will often prove [but we arent thinking about those now, for it is certainly summer vacation] it is often a puzzling and perplexing matter as to why you learn something one night and then it disappears the next. if only the right things would disappear overnight and not the other things [!] bother. and i wonder if thats a matter of life imitating art, or the other way around. [?]

Posted 6/19/2005 8:10 PM

(lost in translation)

i cant decide if its better to be b l a n k and apathetic, like this:









or actually feeling things and crazyconfused and stuff, like this:

ika;f84hiafu3ahf83ndjakj3ehqa3ktmdhaioudhfaejkl3i8y38faoi8ufjaod8faoj24r7rfdsjkahfhadifejhfaidsuyhfiae
sdufyhaiusdyhfiaudshfiuasdhifuaydufaisuhxjhfna3uhfd8a3irjkfhdiaduy38aadfijfiesduoawe9ur9ow3832312k
y8sdahfi3eh384ath4kdjfuyfh38hnqfiuh348iuiawuyewf8ch3anhasd8h3wdkdjxfheaui3ru23984jkhfdu4yhf84kj
hn876yijfqoj98joiajflkdjslfaku834957u9q87349382ikjfkauyo4nmf94ank48u6ajnfuidsahfkjsdhkfjdh8uah3karjfy

and so i guess that ill be both and then things end up like this in my mind:

jadfa89ewhfaijfd iajert84rqhaeifhaajkrehi3uayrh83yhijefhhadi8fy94q80t5i43or

jeoiwfaeuifuoij vkjfi4ufod oiewuaoif doiajfuoeurti9woitfjewoijdklfjcoadifuoiduofiuao8ew7 aeuir893hr
aiuefiywufhsdjkh7382rg892874912385691 jafghcuiwbq

nh jdsfy huaie

aiusef7echakwjfhksdjcew8ayf9wrudjshfadisufyh3eru8 iaudyf89eyrjkdhfaiweuyar

which translates to something like this:
i want to feel real things and i dont want to feel bad for feeling them.
i want to stop talking about how things ought to be and have them actually be that way for a change. i want my life to be in some semblance of order and i want to be a good cook.
i want to quit something and not feel bad about it for the rest of my life.
i want to get my hair cut when im home.
i want to be good at things. and i want to be unafraid of failure.
i want to want the most important things the most.
i want to not be fat [ever?].
i want to be reassured of my friends stickingaroundedness.
i want to sleep.
i want my favorite shoes to last forever.
i want a pair of jeans that cooperate and make me look sexy all the time. i think all my jeans hate me.
[ im not sure i know how to do the things i want most. this seems problematic.]

and so i end up being like this:

bleh.

but it must be said for the sake of saying it, so i suppose i shall say it:

my life, as far as i know, is to be continued and so i verymuch want more. and more of you.

Posted 3/14/2005 12:26 AM

to be continued:

there are big.wonderful.messy.veryimportant. thoughts in my head. but returning more and more to the smallest and the smallest and simplest of these thoughts:
i need you.
i dont want to be awful.
there is more.
i will wait.
take a deep breath.
you love me regardless.
try again.
smile.
life is bad and good.
sleep tonight.
everthing will be alright.

those things and these things have kept me busy:
i want to know how they make cooking oil. and i learned why soap bubbles are which colors they are. and i like things that are little and intricate. when i grow up, im going to be very particular about my bathroom. i went to a sleepover and laughed a lot. stupid is written on my forehead i think. i watch reruns. i have no money. i made cookies with pink frosting. im behind with things. i got my oil changed. i need to calm down and try again. i cant spell. i have never had a bird poop on my arm.

"i walked, when love was gone /
/ beyond a break in the trees...
an easy breath of fresh air /
/ the tall stars held their peace /
/and things were as they were.
///
the trouble with me is that i worry
too much about things that
should be left alone." [ jw ]

; the stars are far away she said

and i have to pack. egads

/// [and my life, as far as i know, is] to be continued ///

Posted 1/27/2005 9:57 PM

2.

lots lots of things in my head. lots lots more things that should be in my head that arent there yet.
had the super-funnest time twice this weekend. have a super-lot more finals to take [3 seems like a lot more] and a super-lot to pack. i am not good at packing.
i think im sick, but im not sure, cause its the weirdest sick ive ever had.

p.s. i dont want to be a awful person or excessively stupid
p.p.s i dont want to fail something
...........................................................................................................................................................

"ARGHHH!!!
i wish i had the superpower to disappear.
but, alas, i cannot! i am but a mere mortal! and what then when a person is thrown around by life's cruel intentions? will we not drown in the depths of such madness? wail about in the clear, sticky web, spun by some egomaniacal force? are we not all hidden in this veil of mortal ignorance? we are all different--so are we not all the same? are we but dreamers in a container of liquid nitrogen--freezing in a binary machine of infinirt inferiority?! this dream is never-ending! this conversation never happened! all that exists is the english* exam! my life is nothing after the bubbles are darkened!
the caveat is the textbook--her eyes stab into the gray brain of illogical conclusions. and who then will solve life's mysteries--the reports floating in cyberspace, the news-bits in the ten-second media blitz that derives forbidden pleasure from economic meltdowns and the unforeseen destruction of foreign economic policy??are we not men and women who deny this marshmallow-world, with all of its mushy truth--its own self-absorbed bitterness that falls like a single tear, with majesty as ephemeral as a swan floating on its own reflection?!?!?!??!???
answer me! for the truth, i must know! in all of its unknowable-glory! so i can die--a happy girl!* will i not know? can i know? or will these truths forever escape me like a mink hiding in a foxhole. had we only the patience, an understanding, could we know such things--but patience does not exist. there exists nothing but single moments that live and die. and wednesday* is my epic* final.* after wednesday* will be the end of the world. but until then i exist to study. after wednesday* [or thursday?] will be the end of the world! make peace with God. make peace with nature, for the truth will set everyone free!
good day!"

p.p.p.s words followed by a star [*] may be substituted for applicable word of choice.
.................................................................................................................................
p.p.p.p.s. xoxo

Posted 12/14/2004 1:55 AM