I.
the icecream truck dilemna
this is a nearly life-long dilemna. i want the icecream, but either 1) my parents wouldnt let us have icecream before or during supper when he drove by, or 2) now i am simply not up for chasing an icecream truck.
so the question becomes: who the heck DOES buy the icecream from the truck? how are those things really still in operation?? i mean, im glad they are, as they are a charming part of american society, which is so lacking in a million other things, but seriously. also, we were sitting on the porch tonight with my newly painted chairs (and so now my hands and feet are still semi-spraypainted blue.) and the icecream man drove by, and he was SO CREEPY. if i had been contemplating icecream, i would have changed my mind. and that is not to say that there are not icecream who are nice. im sure. but still.
II.
things i would rather be doing right now than writing this:
1. crocheting
2. reading agatha christie.
3. eating icecream
4. exercising (hrm.)
5. sleeping
6. watching seinfeld.
7. or a movie.
8. baking banananut bread.
9. or cookies.
10. roller skating
11. driving across the country
12. painting my nails.
13. vacuuming
14. browsing for interesting houses
15. laundry
16. getting a massage.
the end.
III.
we are having a baby.
IV.
observations on marriage, now that ive done it a little while:
1. when they get sick, you probably will. this is kindof a depressing realization, since before you could go sleep at grandmothers or something. now, you dont go anywhere. you are the take-care-of-er. i imagine this will be worse when the baby does come, because jed is at least a good sick guy, and hes been thankful i havent been since pregnant. (knock on wood.)
2. when they leave, or you leave, its weird without them. but sometimes, youre (secretly) glad, but only for about 5 minutes, because after that, you miss them like crap. and its gladder when they come home anyway.
3. huh. i cant remember what the rest are.
4. if i remember, i might edit them back in later. otherwise, they shall be in another post, i guess.
V.
my mom is making me do this because at BSF they said that writers should write to encourage others about God, and life and such, and mom said i didnt write at all ,why not, and i should. and i said it was because i wasnt a writer, but she said i wasnt nurturing it, and i said well, if i was a real writer, then it should just come out, right? i dont know. what do you think?
(huh. that was more than the required 4 sentences.)
Showing posts with label mazel tov. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mazel tov. Show all posts
Monday, May 4, 2009
Friday, October 17, 2008
{ what i remember }
1.
how sooo early we had to wake up, and how excited we all were. even though i was so tired!
2.
Getting hair done. i was still making a list of things i had forgotten, and the hair people were so
funny, and we had a delicious breakfast (our friend brought it to us.) I was done super quick. This is where i saw jed first--he stopped by to get some breakfast too. Daddy was out to buy
some shoes at walmart (he forgot to get some otherwise) for breakfast too, and then went to put bows on the trees. I let emily go to walmart too, to buy some other stuff. (there were sooo many people who helped me! it was so nice.)
3.
I went to church to get ready! we had to hurry. first thing, i opened all the blinds in the auditorium. It was morning time and i wanted the light to come in! I saw jed again, and made him take his coat off so i wouldnt see him all dressed up either. he told me the three things he was going to remember, (if nothing else--he ended up remembering more after all.) plus, We just had a lovely few moments together.
4.
So many people back where i was getting ready, and it was crazy. Someone made them all leave so i could get dressed with mom and my sister, and then they came back and we all prayed, which was sweet. Then Dad came back to see me, and then we almost cried, but didnt quite, and then we took just a few pictures, and then it was time to go!
5.
I LOVED my flowers. they were fun, and romantic and classic and perfect. they fit in wonderfully.
6.
I had a few minutes all to myself while everyone else was busy walking in and i couldnt be seen yet. I watched the flower girls and ring bearers for a few minutes (so they wouldnt be loud--and they were so cute). i tried to listen to the music (it was beautiful, but darn the semi-soundproof doors) and tried to make sure that i really wanted to get married, and i guess i did. i was actually pretty calm by then, and the whole day. i was really deep-down happy. granted, i was a NERVOUS WRECK for a few weeks previous. but that day, i got over it.
7.
dad came to get me, and i had to get out a little door, and not get my train caught. before the door slammed. Daddy told me a funny story before we walked in (all crying was done the night before, we were pitiful.). We didnt cry the whole time! or, if they did, i didnt know about it, and i was glad, because i wanted a happy wedding!
8.
I couldnt see jed at first. but when i finally could, i couldnt believe the way he was looking at me.
9.
The music was absolutely beautiful. --during the ceremony it was all live. and it was seriously PERFECT. i walked down to this.
even hearing it now makes me catch my breath a little, especially at the end.
10.
i just felt that everyone was so nervous--i could feel it, you know? they were nervous for me and especially daddy. and so when i was walking up on stage, i tripped and couldnt help but laugh out loud. everyone laughed with me, and it was much better! everyone could breathe again.
11.
The sermon was perfect. It was literary and memorable and fit jed and i to a tee. gah. i couldnt get over it.
12.
i couldnt decide if we were supposed to sing or not with everyone. a friend suggest that we just talk in such a way to produce "gentle smiles" i think we did half and half, although i dont know if i remember what we said--probably things along the lines of "can you BELIEVE the number of people here?!" because there were probably 400 people at the wedding proper and about 385 at the reception.
13.
We took communion with our parents. I got too big of a piece of bread on accident and had to chew it for quite some time, it felt like.
14.
it was a perfectly sweet kiss.
14.
the pastor said "WHAT GOD HAS JOINED TOGETHER, LET NO MAN TEAR ASUNDER" very well. i always wanted that said in an old-fashioned pastoral booming voice, and he delivered.
15.
We were supposed to walk back down (or up?) the aisle to "How sweet it is to be loved by you." At the rehersal, they played some ridiculous country song about beer and my baby's loving arms. At the wedding, my dad snuck back on stage and they performed a version of how sweet it is LIVE! about halfway down the asile, i came to the realization that it wasnt james taylor singing...it was my...dad?!?!?!!!! i tripped once again trying to see, and trying to show jed and all of that. I'm sure it was halirious. And we went in the hallway, and hugged and squealed and laughed and kissed and then went back to listen more, and i think i cried a little then and laughed and couldnt believe it. it was so sweet, and he (and all the musicians) sounded SO good. i LOVED it. and so did everyone. i had no idea in the slightest.
how sooo early we had to wake up, and how excited we all were. even though i was so tired!
2.
Getting hair done. i was still making a list of things i had forgotten, and the hair people were so
funny, and we had a delicious breakfast (our friend brought it to us.) I was done super quick. This is where i saw jed first--he stopped by to get some breakfast too. Daddy was out to buy
some shoes at walmart (he forgot to get some otherwise) for breakfast too, and then went to put bows on the trees. I let emily go to walmart too, to buy some other stuff. (there were sooo many people who helped me! it was so nice.)
3.
I went to church to get ready! we had to hurry. first thing, i opened all the blinds in the auditorium. It was morning time and i wanted the light to come in! I saw jed again, and made him take his coat off so i wouldnt see him all dressed up either. he told me the three things he was going to remember, (if nothing else--he ended up remembering more after all.) plus, We just had a lovely few moments together.
4.
So many people back where i was getting ready, and it was crazy. Someone made them all leave so i could get dressed with mom and my sister, and then they came back and we all prayed, which was sweet. Then Dad came back to see me, and then we almost cried, but didnt quite, and then we took just a few pictures, and then it was time to go!
5.
I LOVED my flowers. they were fun, and romantic and classic and perfect. they fit in wonderfully.
6.
I had a few minutes all to myself while everyone else was busy walking in and i couldnt be seen yet. I watched the flower girls and ring bearers for a few minutes (so they wouldnt be loud--and they were so cute). i tried to listen to the music (it was beautiful, but darn the semi-soundproof doors) and tried to make sure that i really wanted to get married, and i guess i did. i was actually pretty calm by then, and the whole day. i was really deep-down happy. granted, i was a NERVOUS WRECK for a few weeks previous. but that day, i got over it.
7.
dad came to get me, and i had to get out a little door, and not get my train caught. before the door slammed. Daddy told me a funny story before we walked in (all crying was done the night before, we were pitiful.). We didnt cry the whole time! or, if they did, i didnt know about it, and i was glad, because i wanted a happy wedding!
8.
I couldnt see jed at first. but when i finally could, i couldnt believe the way he was looking at me.
9.
The music was absolutely beautiful. --during the ceremony it was all live. and it was seriously PERFECT. i walked down to this.
even hearing it now makes me catch my breath a little, especially at the end.
10.
i just felt that everyone was so nervous--i could feel it, you know? they were nervous for me and especially daddy. and so when i was walking up on stage, i tripped and couldnt help but laugh out loud. everyone laughed with me, and it was much better! everyone could breathe again.
11.
The sermon was perfect. It was literary and memorable and fit jed and i to a tee. gah. i couldnt get over it.
12.
i couldnt decide if we were supposed to sing or not with everyone. a friend suggest that we just talk in such a way to produce "gentle smiles" i think we did half and half, although i dont know if i remember what we said--probably things along the lines of "can you BELIEVE the number of people here?!" because there were probably 400 people at the wedding proper and about 385 at the reception.
13.
We took communion with our parents. I got too big of a piece of bread on accident and had to chew it for quite some time, it felt like.
14.
it was a perfectly sweet kiss.
14.
the pastor said "WHAT GOD HAS JOINED TOGETHER, LET NO MAN TEAR ASUNDER" very well. i always wanted that said in an old-fashioned pastoral booming voice, and he delivered.
15.
We were supposed to walk back down (or up?) the aisle to "How sweet it is to be loved by you." At the rehersal, they played some ridiculous country song about beer and my baby's loving arms. At the wedding, my dad snuck back on stage and they performed a version of how sweet it is LIVE! about halfway down the asile, i came to the realization that it wasnt james taylor singing...it was my...dad?!?!?!!!! i tripped once again trying to see, and trying to show jed and all of that. I'm sure it was halirious. And we went in the hallway, and hugged and squealed and laughed and kissed and then went back to listen more, and i think i cried a little then and laughed and couldnt believe it. it was so sweet, and he (and all the musicians) sounded SO good. i LOVED it. and so did everyone. i had no idea in the slightest.
16.
we had a parade over to the reception place. as dad explained it to everyone: "it was like a funeral, but different!" that meant that we all got in a line, and honked and waved and the like. super fun.
17.
dad had a friend with a 1920s ford that actually ran. jed and i rode in that, but when we went to get in, the groomsmen hadnt put the just married sign on the back yet, so they had to hurry and do that. except it ended up going all the way around the car, except just on the back, and it was kindof halirious. there was no air conditioning in the car, (duh) so it was a toss-up between being cooler, or guarding my hairdo.
18.
the reception was absolutely gorgeous and fun.
there were lots of windows, and lots of light. the food smelled so good (and later, it tasted good.) there were balloons, and cake, and buttons to wear, and little flowers, and happy music. it was, in a word, perfect.
19.
jed and i stood at the door and welcomed/greeted people. i hugged so many people in a row! i couldnt believe some of the people who came from so far away even, and it was so lovely to see so many people whom i loved all at once, and even the doctor who delivered jed. (thats tremont for you). i was dying of heat though, and the line was forever long, and i was so thirsty. finally someone brought me some water, and i was so grateful.
20.
we cut in line (i know!) and got some food. the stuff i had was super good! (eggs, and spicy, cheesy eggs, too. hashbrowns, bacon & sausage, fruit, pastries, french toast-stuff (my favorite), buicuits and gravy. omg.
21.
jed and i had a little table in the middle of everyone. it was up high, and it was hard to get into my chair.
22.
we went the IPOD route for the reception, but i picked all my favorite happy songs. These are the songs i remember hearing: baby, baby (amy grant), strawberry swing (coldplay), all shook up (elvis), glycerine (bush), flowers in the window (travis), and you are my sunshine (bob dylan and johnny cash) and 1234 (feist). but there were more! when you are my sunshine came on, dad was just like "what the heck is this?!" and jed passed all blame onto me. oh well. how can you go wrong with bob & johnny?! i didnt apologize. i still dont. the whole thing was quite happy. except im still not sure where baby, baby came from. alas.
23.
the cake table was like something out of my dreams--all those beautiful cupcakes all lined up! i loved it. and our little cake was so beautiful. apparently my parents and i had very similar looking cakes, but i had no idea when i was designing mine that it looked like theirs! i must have been subconsciously influenced. it was super good cake, and jed, who doesnt even like cake, liked it. we didnt really smash it, except for we still got messy, anyway.
24.
after that, we delievered cupcakes to people (not just us, but the whole bridal party and our parents). that was fun, too.
25.
around this time, a kid (who's name i didnt even know) started following me around (kindof annoyingly, actually, but i didnt know his name so i couldnt even tell him to go away (after asking if he needed something? and even giving him a hug.) he kept following me, and i kept ignoring him, and eventually he stepped on my bustle and it broke. and being such a mess, i had nothing to fix it with, but someone had a big huge safety pin, thankfully. it didnt want to hold well, though, and so for the rest of the day we were fixing it.
26.
we just talked and laughed with people for a while. it seemed so short, and i know i didnt get to talk to everyone i really wanted to (except for in the big long line).
27.
when it was time to leave, jed and i got to walk through a tunnel of streamers, which was great. a little out of pride and prejudice, which isnt bad. we got back in the old car and drove around the parking lot. then we didnt know what to do, so we came back to the last few minutes of the party. we took pictures with our extended families and stuff. and then more with the bridal party somewhere else and then jed and i went to take a few more pictures at this wonderful old house, where i wanted to have the wedding, if about 300 fewer people were coming.
28.
all in all, it was the most beautiful day. it really was. and we just talked about it for the next 48 hours or so, every little thing we remembered, so we wouldnt forget. so far, so good. it was exactly as i thought it ought to have been, and exactly just like us, and exactly perfect. and we are happy.(!)
Saturday, September 6, 2008
[on being engaged.]
well, hello.
its been too long since i have last talked to you all, and perhaps too long until i have time to do so again. nothing seems to wait around for me to have time to catch up with it. i shall try to
I. first things first
i am getting married (!). i have suspected such for a little while now, at least since two february-s (ies?) ago, and i have suspected to whom since about this march; and still i was surprised. funny how that works.
II. the bling
and i am surprised at the ring, too. its nothing like i would have probably picked out for myself, but i really love it even though ((like some other things, come to think of it) (--the boy did good. it even fit.)) i gave him only two pieces of advice on the matter, a long time ago: 1) it had better be gold and 2) i didnt want it to be so high or whatever that it caught on everything. he accomplished those two things, and then some. plus! it sparkles so much. yay.
i was talking to an eight-year-old and a six-year-old earlier today, and they were asking me why one gets the pretty ring when you get engaged, and the uglier one when you get married, because isnt getting married more important? no one who was around really had much of an answer. i dont really know myself, but i suppose its a valid question.
picking out the wedding band was much harder. i think i have found one that i like, and jed likes though, but its so hard to pick things that youre going to have to live with for the rest of your life! i am always second-guessing myself.
III. the story
here is a link to the engagement story and pictures, just in case you missed it on facebook, etc. jed seems to have a lingering wish it would have turned out a smidgin differently, but i think it was perfect, so dont let anyone tell you otherwise.
IV. what happened next.
we were so happy afterward. and i dont know when i have ever smiled so much to date. even the next day, when i was telling the story 34250678 times, i was so happy, and even jed was happy. but then it rather quickly lost its appeal, for the simple reason that wedding planning is no fun. it should be, i know. and it shouldnt be complicated, i also know, especially because i have known about what i have wanted since about 2 years ago when i started working at wedding banquets as a server, and then since now i plan a major banquet for a living. but its much harder when you're 1) spending your own money and 2) there are people you actually care about involved. that makes everything harder. and its not like i want something with icescuptures and doves and glass slippers. i just want something happy and easy and great. you would think that would be easier to come by, but alas. its not in the cards for us. (eventually, it might get there, but not anytime soon.) its hard, and i really hate making people unhappy. i did not expect this,
just as i have not expected most things that have happened in the past year or so.
V. The dress
i fell in love with a dress on the first day i went major dress shopping. (the times i went before hand, the people i talked to were just so ignorant. i knew more about wedding dresses than some of them. how is that possible?) Anyway, i could zip up this dress, but not breathe in it. no good. and i couldnt order it, because it takes a million years to get a wedding dress, apparently. so i searched at every other place possible and there was nothing. so i went back to the first place to mourn my loss, and see if there was anything i missed. 20 minutes before they closed they asked if they had shown me the discontinued dresses (they hadnt.) i found one super cheap that was perfect and bought it on the spot. hurray.
VI. the guestlist.
you see, we had some problems. we know EVERYBODY. and everybody we dont know, jed is related to. we couldnt not invite mostly everyone (we spent much time trying), sowe gave up and found the best possible way to invite everyone. because we couldnt not invite them. (how is it that so many people like us? thats a little ridiculous. wonderful, (it is admittedly a very good problem, and we are blessed, but still. its ridiculous.) and: they're mostly all coming. you may come, also, if you want.
it was the most traumatic thing EVER to find places for this whole thing to take place. i tell you what.
VII. the plan:
Saturday morning wedding & brunch reception. we like brunch, but it is terribly ironic because i am quite far from a morning person. we'll see how this goes. they keep telling me that i wont have any trouble waking up (in fact, ill have trouble sleeping for once) but i remain unconvinced.
the pictures will be after the whole thing. the family will have to suck it up and stick around if they want pictures. well, i suppose nonfamily could stick around too, if they want pictures.
hopefully this wedding will be a conglomeration of the things that we like best about weddings, and we'll leave out mostly everything we dislike. for an exhaustive list, email, or perhaps jed and i will write a few posts together on the subject, as this summer we have been practically professional wedding attenders, and jed has the usher thing down pat.
we will also have balloons. and windows, and cupcakes and the most delicious chocolates.
VII. the cake!
jed and i have a little cake for us to eat, and its so cute. more importantly, its the most delicious white cake/buttercream frosting with APRICOT filling. so, so delicious. i dont even like apricots that much, (only the thought of them). we will have white/apricot cupcakes and chocolate with cream in the middle ones for everyone, and they will all have a cherry on top. the lady at the cake store asked me what was up with the cherry, which i think is a silly question, because all the best, most perfect-looking cupcakes have a cherry on top. sheesh.
VIII. a non-wedding related moment
from summer:
apparently life is not all bad, especially in summertime. for example, i have recently discovered something that almost makes me want to stay in the country for a 100 more summers: fireflies!
i used to think that fireflies were these elusive little bugs, just 2 or 5 of them by your flowerbeds around the house in the evening, or by the tree, and they were a little teensy bit hard to catch. because there just werent very many and all that. well, this is not the case in the country--whole fields are aglow with them, and it is truly a beautifully breathtaking sight.
work: bleh. bleh,bleh.
everything: i dont feel like i have enough time for all of this! i want to enjoy this, and sink it all in, but goodness. ive been running around like a chicken.
and this is all too hard.
name: i will miss my old name very much. i think it will be very hard to stop being julie ----- and change all around to julie _____. i am much more like a ------- than i am a _____. but i have recieved reassurances that the new name is a good name, and it sounds all right and all of that, so perhaps, in time, it will be alright. but awfully weird at first. i like my name, and i have always thought that my parents did such a nice job of naming me.
hopefully: after the wedding, we can get everything nice and organized (i havent started going through the gifts and things at all (trying to get the last 12 thank you notes from showers done first, so i can make sure i have everything accounted for!), and we can eat healthier for once, and have time to read some. also, i would like to be writing more than i have had a chance to. i found an old poem when i was cleaning out stuff, and i read it again: it wasnt half bad, surprisingly. (maybe it was, but i still liked it.) and just having time to hang out together. we have been soooo busy!
IX.
still, i am so glad for everything:
church, house, job (kindof). sleeping with open windows again, and peach pie, and so on and so forth.
so many people. and especially my family.
and im glad i get to marry jed.
even if it is weird to think about.
the end, (just for tonight.)
its been too long since i have last talked to you all, and perhaps too long until i have time to do so again. nothing seems to wait around for me to have time to catch up with it. i shall try to
I. first things first
i am getting married (!). i have suspected such for a little while now, at least since two february-s (ies?) ago, and i have suspected to whom since about this march; and still i was surprised. funny how that works.
II. the bling
and i am surprised at the ring, too. its nothing like i would have probably picked out for myself, but i really love it even though ((like some other things, come to think of it) (--the boy did good. it even fit.)) i gave him only two pieces of advice on the matter, a long time ago: 1) it had better be gold and 2) i didnt want it to be so high or whatever that it caught on everything. he accomplished those two things, and then some. plus! it sparkles so much. yay.
i was talking to an eight-year-old and a six-year-old earlier today, and they were asking me why one gets the pretty ring when you get engaged, and the uglier one when you get married, because isnt getting married more important? no one who was around really had much of an answer. i dont really know myself, but i suppose its a valid question.
picking out the wedding band was much harder. i think i have found one that i like, and jed likes though, but its so hard to pick things that youre going to have to live with for the rest of your life! i am always second-guessing myself.
III. the story
here is a link to the engagement story and pictures, just in case you missed it on facebook, etc. jed seems to have a lingering wish it would have turned out a smidgin differently, but i think it was perfect, so dont let anyone tell you otherwise.
IV. what happened next.
we were so happy afterward. and i dont know when i have ever smiled so much to date. even the next day, when i was telling the story 34250678 times, i was so happy, and even jed was happy. but then it rather quickly lost its appeal, for the simple reason that wedding planning is no fun. it should be, i know. and it shouldnt be complicated, i also know, especially because i have known about what i have wanted since about 2 years ago when i started working at wedding banquets as a server, and then since now i plan a major banquet for a living. but its much harder when you're 1) spending your own money and 2) there are people you actually care about involved. that makes everything harder. and its not like i want something with icescuptures and doves and glass slippers. i just want something happy and easy and great. you would think that would be easier to come by, but alas. its not in the cards for us. (eventually, it might get there, but not anytime soon.) its hard, and i really hate making people unhappy. i did not expect this,
just as i have not expected most things that have happened in the past year or so.
V. The dress
i fell in love with a dress on the first day i went major dress shopping. (the times i went before hand, the people i talked to were just so ignorant. i knew more about wedding dresses than some of them. how is that possible?) Anyway, i could zip up this dress, but not breathe in it. no good. and i couldnt order it, because it takes a million years to get a wedding dress, apparently. so i searched at every other place possible and there was nothing. so i went back to the first place to mourn my loss, and see if there was anything i missed. 20 minutes before they closed they asked if they had shown me the discontinued dresses (they hadnt.) i found one super cheap that was perfect and bought it on the spot. hurray.
VI. the guestlist.
you see, we had some problems. we know EVERYBODY. and everybody we dont know, jed is related to. we couldnt not invite mostly everyone (we spent much time trying), sowe gave up and found the best possible way to invite everyone. because we couldnt not invite them. (how is it that so many people like us? thats a little ridiculous. wonderful, (it is admittedly a very good problem, and we are blessed, but still. its ridiculous.) and: they're mostly all coming. you may come, also, if you want.
it was the most traumatic thing EVER to find places for this whole thing to take place. i tell you what.
VII. the plan:
Saturday morning wedding & brunch reception. we like brunch, but it is terribly ironic because i am quite far from a morning person. we'll see how this goes. they keep telling me that i wont have any trouble waking up (in fact, ill have trouble sleeping for once) but i remain unconvinced.
the pictures will be after the whole thing. the family will have to suck it up and stick around if they want pictures. well, i suppose nonfamily could stick around too, if they want pictures.
hopefully this wedding will be a conglomeration of the things that we like best about weddings, and we'll leave out mostly everything we dislike. for an exhaustive list, email, or perhaps jed and i will write a few posts together on the subject, as this summer we have been practically professional wedding attenders, and jed has the usher thing down pat.
we will also have balloons. and windows, and cupcakes and the most delicious chocolates.
VII. the cake!
jed and i have a little cake for us to eat, and its so cute. more importantly, its the most delicious white cake/buttercream frosting with APRICOT filling. so, so delicious. i dont even like apricots that much, (only the thought of them). we will have white/apricot cupcakes and chocolate with cream in the middle ones for everyone, and they will all have a cherry on top. the lady at the cake store asked me what was up with the cherry, which i think is a silly question, because all the best, most perfect-looking cupcakes have a cherry on top. sheesh.
VIII. a non-wedding related moment
from summer:
apparently life is not all bad, especially in summertime. for example, i have recently discovered something that almost makes me want to stay in the country for a 100 more summers: fireflies!
i used to think that fireflies were these elusive little bugs, just 2 or 5 of them by your flowerbeds around the house in the evening, or by the tree, and they were a little teensy bit hard to catch. because there just werent very many and all that. well, this is not the case in the country--whole fields are aglow with them, and it is truly a beautifully breathtaking sight.
work: bleh. bleh,bleh.
everything: i dont feel like i have enough time for all of this! i want to enjoy this, and sink it all in, but goodness. ive been running around like a chicken.
and this is all too hard.
name: i will miss my old name very much. i think it will be very hard to stop being julie ----- and change all around to julie _____. i am much more like a ------- than i am a _____. but i have recieved reassurances that the new name is a good name, and it sounds all right and all of that, so perhaps, in time, it will be alright. but awfully weird at first. i like my name, and i have always thought that my parents did such a nice job of naming me.
hopefully: after the wedding, we can get everything nice and organized (i havent started going through the gifts and things at all (trying to get the last 12 thank you notes from showers done first, so i can make sure i have everything accounted for!), and we can eat healthier for once, and have time to read some. also, i would like to be writing more than i have had a chance to. i found an old poem when i was cleaning out stuff, and i read it again: it wasnt half bad, surprisingly. (maybe it was, but i still liked it.) and just having time to hang out together. we have been soooo busy!
IX.
still, i am so glad for everything:
church, house, job (kindof). sleeping with open windows again, and peach pie, and so on and so forth.
so many people. and especially my family.
and im glad i get to marry jed.
even if it is weird to think about.
the end, (just for tonight.)
Thursday, January 3, 2008
: so i breathe it in :
I.
Last night as i was sleeping
i dreamt--marvelous error!--
that i had a beehive
here, inside my heart.
and the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from all my old failures.
-- antonio machado, from times alone
II.
and the other day, this new friend of mine said something to me:
"just because it starts differently, doesnt mean its worth less."
and i soaked it in! how i soaked it in.
and just to prove how right he was, then you came.
-- peter, bjorn and john, from writers block "objects of my affection."
III.
by this we know love: that He laid down
his life for us, and we ought to lay down our life for
others. little children, do not let us love
in word or talk, but in deed and truth.
God is greater than our hearts.
--1 john 3:16, 18, 20
Last night as i was sleeping
i dreamt--marvelous error!--
that i had a beehive
here, inside my heart.
and the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from all my old failures.
-- antonio machado, from times alone
II.
and the other day, this new friend of mine said something to me:
"just because it starts differently, doesnt mean its worth less."
and i soaked it in! how i soaked it in.
and just to prove how right he was, then you came.
-- peter, bjorn and john, from writers block "objects of my affection."
III.
by this we know love: that He laid down
his life for us, and we ought to lay down our life for
others. little children, do not let us love
in word or talk, but in deed and truth.
God is greater than our hearts.
--1 john 3:16, 18, 20
Thursday, December 6, 2007
{ things i have been doing }
1. traveling
actually, this was last week, as i didnt get to actually go anywhere for my real spring break this week. i went with my mother and sisters to see my grandparents in texas last week. it wasnt really a fun trip, but it was good to see them.
these are my questions: 1. why is gas so freaking expensive? it jumped 30ish cents in the past week. gross.
2. how come people and hotels dont think that details matter? i mean, really. how hard can it be to open the hotel-order-decorations-magazine and realize that something besides teal green and peach would be nice to decorate the rooms with? our new favorite hotels are the holiday inn express ones, just cause they feel the least like an eighties bridesmaid dress or dentist office in general. they have real pillows and nice big towels and showers and free breakfast and it doesnt look like a hotel. they have real art, even. props to them. but--why did it take so long for them to figure that out? and why doesnt everyone else figure it out? they would make more money that way, pretty sure.
2. music-ing
my cousin has unlimited downloads on napster for $15 a month or something ridiculous. and i dont really like napster (i think its unnecessarily complicated), but i managed to download lots of awesome new music when i was there (hopefully while i was at it, i expanded her taste from just justin timberlake and christina (dont judge too harshly, shes 14). (by the way, im always so disappointed in christitna agulara (sp?) because one time i watched this whole special all about how she studied opera and all this really really good music stuff and shes so, so talented, and shes just wasting it.) it has been quite the challange to get it to play on my computer, but i think i have it so i can at least play it, if nothing else.
(new favorite band from this venture: meese.)
3. cooking
somehow in texas i got put in charge of cooking.
i cant cook. goodness. but i learned, and everything was edible. i felt like izzy stevens though, cause there were sometimes i didnt know what to do to help my grandparents (who are getting very old, by the way) so instead i just baked cakes. and i am good at that. somehow, the one thing that i can manage to make very tastily is icing. mmmmmm. its good, if i do say so myself.
maybe if i keep cooking, ill be good at it, but im not getting my hopes up. and of course, its hard to say whether tasting good or getting done at the right time is more important. because im decent at getting everything done all together. it does suck to have your mashed potatoes be sitting there in front of you getting nice and cooled off while youre waiting for your steak to finish cooking. it also sucks to have to eat your whole meal and then have the rolls for dessert, cause someone forgot to put them in on time. so: on time i can do. yay.
and now its easter, so ill be baking cookies and bread all afternoon. and the cookies will have sprinkles, probably. God help us all.
(im not sure why sprinkles are so traumatic, but they are sometimes. i think it might have to do with the extra mess it produces.)
4. writing
trying to write this article right now.
im so out of practice! im having such a hard time. goodness.
5. eastering
we've been singing all the easter songs for good friday and such. we sang such a lovely latin-y version of o sacred head now wounded. i like songs that sound like that. they make me wish i was catholic almost--there is something majestic about liturgy. but its cool. also, i just like singing in that almost-opera way. one feels very refined and amused while doing so. and its just so wonderfully shiver-y.
my favorite moment of easter, hands down, (besides the obligatory but still true and lovely death and resurrection) is the curtain rip in the temple. its just so terrifying and mysterious and lovely and meaningful. mmm. i like it.
and its going to be so cold this easter! im going to have to wear my christmas dress instead of easter, so i dont freeze. like our poor tulips outside.
6. getting
a job! yes, i think im employed.
its with peoria rescue ministries (which include a homeless shelter for men, and women (but seperately) and all kinds of things. and i will be the public relations coordinator, eventually. first i get to just hang out and learn stuff with the current PR person before she and her husband move away to seminary. people keep asking me if im excited. and i am. but i think thats overwhelmed by 1) the relief that someone wanted to hire me and my education wasnt totally useless. and 2) nervous! im so nervous and scared. lots of responsibility here.
and i dont know what im doing. my minor was PR, but i only know about 5 minutes worth of it.
oh dear.
they already gave me an umbrella.
also, this job comes with rules. im not allowed to get married within the next 6 months. not sure why that is. but he said to me and i quote: "so, once the business manager comes back into town, you can fill out all the forms for taxes." and so on and so forth. and then, as i was leaving he was all like, "oh, and no getting married in the next six months! you know that, right?" (i said "dont worry sir, i dont think im in much danger of that." but i wonder why anyway.)
so. there it is.
7. shopping
and right after i start, i have to go to this formal dinner to see how to do it and the invitation says "dressy attire." can anyone explain what that means? its nicer than sunday clothes, but not black tie. what does that even constitute?! i have no idea. do any of you know? if you do, please tell me!
if you are male, count yourselves very blessed.
and again, i would be very, very happy to have the wardrobe possibilieies of jackie kennedy O. and lorelai gilmore.
there seems like theres more stuff (like sleepover-ing and reading and spring cleaning and stuff), but oh well.
i was in the grocery store yesterday and i told the wonderful grandmotherly lady with burgendy pink fingernails and lots of jewelry
happy easter.
she said
ohh, same to you, sweets.
(and i'll second that.)
Posted 4/7/2007 1:09 PM
actually, this was last week, as i didnt get to actually go anywhere for my real spring break this week. i went with my mother and sisters to see my grandparents in texas last week. it wasnt really a fun trip, but it was good to see them.
these are my questions: 1. why is gas so freaking expensive? it jumped 30ish cents in the past week. gross.
2. how come people and hotels dont think that details matter? i mean, really. how hard can it be to open the hotel-order-decorations-magazine and realize that something besides teal green and peach would be nice to decorate the rooms with? our new favorite hotels are the holiday inn express ones, just cause they feel the least like an eighties bridesmaid dress or dentist office in general. they have real pillows and nice big towels and showers and free breakfast and it doesnt look like a hotel. they have real art, even. props to them. but--why did it take so long for them to figure that out? and why doesnt everyone else figure it out? they would make more money that way, pretty sure.
2. music-ing
my cousin has unlimited downloads on napster for $15 a month or something ridiculous. and i dont really like napster (i think its unnecessarily complicated), but i managed to download lots of awesome new music when i was there (hopefully while i was at it, i expanded her taste from just justin timberlake and christina (dont judge too harshly, shes 14). (by the way, im always so disappointed in christitna agulara (sp?) because one time i watched this whole special all about how she studied opera and all this really really good music stuff and shes so, so talented, and shes just wasting it.) it has been quite the challange to get it to play on my computer, but i think i have it so i can at least play it, if nothing else.
(new favorite band from this venture: meese.)
3. cooking
somehow in texas i got put in charge of cooking.
i cant cook. goodness. but i learned, and everything was edible. i felt like izzy stevens though, cause there were sometimes i didnt know what to do to help my grandparents (who are getting very old, by the way) so instead i just baked cakes. and i am good at that. somehow, the one thing that i can manage to make very tastily is icing. mmmmmm. its good, if i do say so myself.
maybe if i keep cooking, ill be good at it, but im not getting my hopes up. and of course, its hard to say whether tasting good or getting done at the right time is more important. because im decent at getting everything done all together. it does suck to have your mashed potatoes be sitting there in front of you getting nice and cooled off while youre waiting for your steak to finish cooking. it also sucks to have to eat your whole meal and then have the rolls for dessert, cause someone forgot to put them in on time. so: on time i can do. yay.
and now its easter, so ill be baking cookies and bread all afternoon. and the cookies will have sprinkles, probably. God help us all.
(im not sure why sprinkles are so traumatic, but they are sometimes. i think it might have to do with the extra mess it produces.)
4. writing
trying to write this article right now.
im so out of practice! im having such a hard time. goodness.
5. eastering
we've been singing all the easter songs for good friday and such. we sang such a lovely latin-y version of o sacred head now wounded. i like songs that sound like that. they make me wish i was catholic almost--there is something majestic about liturgy. but its cool. also, i just like singing in that almost-opera way. one feels very refined and amused while doing so. and its just so wonderfully shiver-y.
my favorite moment of easter, hands down, (besides the obligatory but still true and lovely death and resurrection) is the curtain rip in the temple. its just so terrifying and mysterious and lovely and meaningful. mmm. i like it.
and its going to be so cold this easter! im going to have to wear my christmas dress instead of easter, so i dont freeze. like our poor tulips outside.
6. getting
a job! yes, i think im employed.
its with peoria rescue ministries (which include a homeless shelter for men, and women (but seperately) and all kinds of things. and i will be the public relations coordinator, eventually. first i get to just hang out and learn stuff with the current PR person before she and her husband move away to seminary. people keep asking me if im excited. and i am. but i think thats overwhelmed by 1) the relief that someone wanted to hire me and my education wasnt totally useless. and 2) nervous! im so nervous and scared. lots of responsibility here.
and i dont know what im doing. my minor was PR, but i only know about 5 minutes worth of it.
oh dear.
they already gave me an umbrella.
also, this job comes with rules. im not allowed to get married within the next 6 months. not sure why that is. but he said to me and i quote: "so, once the business manager comes back into town, you can fill out all the forms for taxes." and so on and so forth. and then, as i was leaving he was all like, "oh, and no getting married in the next six months! you know that, right?" (i said "dont worry sir, i dont think im in much danger of that." but i wonder why anyway.)
so. there it is.
7. shopping
and right after i start, i have to go to this formal dinner to see how to do it and the invitation says "dressy attire." can anyone explain what that means? its nicer than sunday clothes, but not black tie. what does that even constitute?! i have no idea. do any of you know? if you do, please tell me!
if you are male, count yourselves very blessed.
and again, i would be very, very happy to have the wardrobe possibilieies of jackie kennedy O. and lorelai gilmore.
there seems like theres more stuff (like sleepover-ing and reading and spring cleaning and stuff), but oh well.
i was in the grocery store yesterday and i told the wonderful grandmotherly lady with burgendy pink fingernails and lots of jewelry
happy easter.
she said
ohh, same to you, sweets.
(and i'll second that.)
Posted 4/7/2007 1:09 PM
(this was supposed to be posted in time for christmas,
but what can you do?)
{ so -(-last night-- no, now its) three nights ago was christmas eve,
(that osomagical evening full of anticipation and good things)
and everyone was driving me crazy.
everyone was talking at the top of their lungs all day and i had a headache. i was so hungry with no chance of food in sight for quite a while. i still had a couple of last minute presents to buy and i couldnt find what i wanted anywhere. and i had to do a reading with my family at the christmas eve service which was interrupting our normal traditions--and interrupting traditions is not my favorite. you know. ill admit it; i was grumpy. and then it was time to go and i had nothing to wear! and i found something, but then it had a non-wearable hole in it, so, so much for that. and they were yelling at me so much to hurry that i grabbed a handful of the pile of clothes i had been trying on and got in the car, still wearing the holey pants. so im in the church bathroom, trying to put together something that i can wear from the pile and thinking well. this is just fine. all mary had to do was have a baby in a stable. i have to do a dumb reading with my ridiculously noisy family with nothing to wear in front of everybody i know. and i would have rather been having the baby. (not that God would have let me.)
o dear.
i have a pretty good memory of being little, i think. i mean, i remember things as far back as the end of my two year old year and my three year year. but i dont remember learning all the things i know--those things that seem inherent knowledge. for example: i was substituting in the three-year-old-day-care the other day and they had apple slices for snack and most of them didnt like the peel, of course. but they didnt know how to eat around it. and the teacher had to teach them how to eat around it. it was precious. and i couldnt even remember a time when i didnt know how to eat around the peel of the apple. but of course i had to learn it, like everyone else. it was precious. and they were also working on cutting in a straight line. of course, i didnt know it was as difficult as it appears to be for a lot of people. apparently, im a good cutter, even back then. they were so dependent on us for most everything.
then we decide we want our independence.
and then we dont know how to give it up. even when it would be easier to. and thats hard.
sometimes i feel like im at a ridiculously awkward age, as far as knowing things goes. im old enough to know about a lot of things, and ive heard of a lot of things, but im young enough to have just missed a lot of the details. for example: things like watergate. ive heard about it in classes and books and i have a general idea what happened. but not really. i know about it, but i dont. its weird. i need someone around all the time who can answer all my questions and not get bored of me.
thats a big thing for me, you know? being bored, i mean. my mother drilled and drilled it into our heads that there is too much to do in this world to be bored of it and she never let us be. so im still not. i suppose there is about 1.67 reasons to be bored in this world. one of them is 46 hour long graduations where you only know one person graduating. the other .67 reasons may be dispersed as needed (but still sparingly of course)--things like business meetings or the dentist or something. not sure.
people are such a mess. my goodness. its a wonder unto me how anyone ever manages to get married. we're so funny looking and irritating and irritatable and we talk to much or not enough and on and on.
here was a song that we hummed all season: and though He has all power/he came to earth a baby/ so he could be called God with us.
there is such an emphasis at christmas on God with us, or, Emmanuel. this was Jesus' given name, of course. and there should be emphasis on both parts of this phrase equally, but it seems the emphasis is usually on GOD coming down to be with us. but think for a moment it the emphasis is on us. i mean, God with is less of a big deal. God has always been with, after all. with it, with everything. its not hard to believe that he is present with the cosmos and the depths of the oceans and the highest mountains. of course God is with that. but with us! we are such a mess. that takes some more effort to believe, of couse, that God chose to associate himself with such disasterous people.
[and the beautiful people intimidate me sometimes, but i do try and remember that they probably didnt start out looking that way in the morning. and that it doesnt last. and that there are more important things. and perhaps normal is prettiest? now, there are kinds of beauty that you may be born with or that are not aquired though the normal means, but im not talking about those here.]
[and also, isnt it funny that two women with the same haircut by the same hairdresser still look totally different? and also, how everyone has exactly the same parts in which to be a human, and yet we all look and are different? i think so.]
so, ive been thinking about families lately. well, families of all kinds, really. all of my friends and everyone i love and everyone who loves me. families are different than you think, but i am glad for them.
i do want a lot of kids. read or listen to the book on tape of cheaper by the dozen if you dont believe me.
this is how families are:
the other day, my sisters and i were supposed to be doing christmas baking and cleaning, but instead we were driving each other crazy, and my mother too. we were noisy and grumpy and all the rest. she sat us all down in a row on the couch and told us to not talk and to enjoy each others company. well, pretty soon, we were talking and enjoying each others company even though we werent supposed to but then we all ended up having a fun time on the couch and laughing and talking.
we like each other even though we are a mess. my roommate always gives me a towel to use, even though i forget one every single time i come to visit. and my family loved me even though i was miss grumpypants on christmas eve (shame on me.) and how people i know listen to me talk, even though they probably might have heard it before.
this is a hard concept, sortof, but there it is.
we should be family with everyone, despite the facts. and the facts are hard to get around, but if you do manage to get around it, its like all the best jokes. and even the crummy ones too. but you still laugh your head off, even if it is crummy. cause i think thats something we can do to help things. and really, we are blessed, and there is much joy in this world, all things considered.
Posted 12/27/2006 6:47 PM
{ so -(-last night-- no, now its) three nights ago was christmas eve,
(that osomagical evening full of anticipation and good things)
and everyone was driving me crazy.
everyone was talking at the top of their lungs all day and i had a headache. i was so hungry with no chance of food in sight for quite a while. i still had a couple of last minute presents to buy and i couldnt find what i wanted anywhere. and i had to do a reading with my family at the christmas eve service which was interrupting our normal traditions--and interrupting traditions is not my favorite. you know. ill admit it; i was grumpy. and then it was time to go and i had nothing to wear! and i found something, but then it had a non-wearable hole in it, so, so much for that. and they were yelling at me so much to hurry that i grabbed a handful of the pile of clothes i had been trying on and got in the car, still wearing the holey pants. so im in the church bathroom, trying to put together something that i can wear from the pile and thinking well. this is just fine. all mary had to do was have a baby in a stable. i have to do a dumb reading with my ridiculously noisy family with nothing to wear in front of everybody i know. and i would have rather been having the baby. (not that God would have let me.)
o dear.
i have a pretty good memory of being little, i think. i mean, i remember things as far back as the end of my two year old year and my three year year. but i dont remember learning all the things i know--those things that seem inherent knowledge. for example: i was substituting in the three-year-old-day-care the other day and they had apple slices for snack and most of them didnt like the peel, of course. but they didnt know how to eat around it. and the teacher had to teach them how to eat around it. it was precious. and i couldnt even remember a time when i didnt know how to eat around the peel of the apple. but of course i had to learn it, like everyone else. it was precious. and they were also working on cutting in a straight line. of course, i didnt know it was as difficult as it appears to be for a lot of people. apparently, im a good cutter, even back then. they were so dependent on us for most everything.
then we decide we want our independence.
and then we dont know how to give it up. even when it would be easier to. and thats hard.
sometimes i feel like im at a ridiculously awkward age, as far as knowing things goes. im old enough to know about a lot of things, and ive heard of a lot of things, but im young enough to have just missed a lot of the details. for example: things like watergate. ive heard about it in classes and books and i have a general idea what happened. but not really. i know about it, but i dont. its weird. i need someone around all the time who can answer all my questions and not get bored of me.
thats a big thing for me, you know? being bored, i mean. my mother drilled and drilled it into our heads that there is too much to do in this world to be bored of it and she never let us be. so im still not. i suppose there is about 1.67 reasons to be bored in this world. one of them is 46 hour long graduations where you only know one person graduating. the other .67 reasons may be dispersed as needed (but still sparingly of course)--things like business meetings or the dentist or something. not sure.
people are such a mess. my goodness. its a wonder unto me how anyone ever manages to get married. we're so funny looking and irritating and irritatable and we talk to much or not enough and on and on.
here was a song that we hummed all season: and though He has all power/he came to earth a baby/ so he could be called God with us.
there is such an emphasis at christmas on God with us, or, Emmanuel. this was Jesus' given name, of course. and there should be emphasis on both parts of this phrase equally, but it seems the emphasis is usually on GOD coming down to be with us. but think for a moment it the emphasis is on us. i mean, God with is less of a big deal. God has always been with, after all. with it, with everything. its not hard to believe that he is present with the cosmos and the depths of the oceans and the highest mountains. of course God is with that. but with us! we are such a mess. that takes some more effort to believe, of couse, that God chose to associate himself with such disasterous people.
[and the beautiful people intimidate me sometimes, but i do try and remember that they probably didnt start out looking that way in the morning. and that it doesnt last. and that there are more important things. and perhaps normal is prettiest? now, there are kinds of beauty that you may be born with or that are not aquired though the normal means, but im not talking about those here.]
[and also, isnt it funny that two women with the same haircut by the same hairdresser still look totally different? and also, how everyone has exactly the same parts in which to be a human, and yet we all look and are different? i think so.]
so, ive been thinking about families lately. well, families of all kinds, really. all of my friends and everyone i love and everyone who loves me. families are different than you think, but i am glad for them.
i do want a lot of kids. read or listen to the book on tape of cheaper by the dozen if you dont believe me.
this is how families are:
the other day, my sisters and i were supposed to be doing christmas baking and cleaning, but instead we were driving each other crazy, and my mother too. we were noisy and grumpy and all the rest. she sat us all down in a row on the couch and told us to not talk and to enjoy each others company. well, pretty soon, we were talking and enjoying each others company even though we werent supposed to but then we all ended up having a fun time on the couch and laughing and talking.
we like each other even though we are a mess. my roommate always gives me a towel to use, even though i forget one every single time i come to visit. and my family loved me even though i was miss grumpypants on christmas eve (shame on me.) and how people i know listen to me talk, even though they probably might have heard it before.
this is a hard concept, sortof, but there it is.
we should be family with everyone, despite the facts. and the facts are hard to get around, but if you do manage to get around it, its like all the best jokes. and even the crummy ones too. but you still laugh your head off, even if it is crummy. cause i think thats something we can do to help things. and really, we are blessed, and there is much joy in this world, all things considered.
Posted 12/27/2006 6:47 PM
Monday, October 22, 2007
Freedom Summer
[important edit: i got my first reallyreal rejection letter in the mail today! and it said [in addition to the rejection part] "Thanks, Julie"!--handwritten even! and it was signed! wowiekazowie. !!!!! i am happy. okay. thats the end of that.]
[feel free to edit and such.]
Freedom Summer, 1964
[ for Coretta Scott King ]
Awaken in the morning and sing again, you that dwell in the dust;
sing of the train coming slowly and the opening of prisons.
A woman cries out from the pain of labor, then feeds the child at her breast.
Sing to each other of a banquet prepared, and vineyards of red wine,
the river Jordan, chariots and Jericho's walls, fields of white cotton.
While waiting for the noon bell, sing again, you that dwell in the dust.
She helps the master's wife dress for a ball in Atlanta; arrive in time
for them to dance all night, and waits until needed in the corner, forsaken.
She sits, and rests from her labor, and men take notice of her breasts.
Generations of the old songs echo through the cabin walls and forest pines.
Piles of threadbare suits need mending, sew the buttons
in the evenings, by the fire. In the night, sing again, you that dwell in the dust.
Somebody's son laid in the east field, dying,
now dead; others—while escaping—might be snared, caught and taken.
A mother labors in the fields, and fear settles deep into her breast.
Spring, with sweet flowers, and tall summer fields shall resign
themselves to autumn. Together, we will plant, and the ground will again be broken.
Wait for the coming train. Wait for the whistle to sing again, you that dwell in the dust.
Mothers and children have labored together; still, hope rises in their breasts.
Posted 2/21/2006 1:03 AM
[feel free to edit and such.]
Freedom Summer, 1964
[ for Coretta Scott King ]
Awaken in the morning and sing again, you that dwell in the dust;
sing of the train coming slowly and the opening of prisons.
A woman cries out from the pain of labor, then feeds the child at her breast.
Sing to each other of a banquet prepared, and vineyards of red wine,
the river Jordan, chariots and Jericho's walls, fields of white cotton.
While waiting for the noon bell, sing again, you that dwell in the dust.
She helps the master's wife dress for a ball in Atlanta; arrive in time
for them to dance all night, and waits until needed in the corner, forsaken.
She sits, and rests from her labor, and men take notice of her breasts.
Generations of the old songs echo through the cabin walls and forest pines.
Piles of threadbare suits need mending, sew the buttons
in the evenings, by the fire. In the night, sing again, you that dwell in the dust.
Somebody's son laid in the east field, dying,
now dead; others—while escaping—might be snared, caught and taken.
A mother labors in the fields, and fear settles deep into her breast.
Spring, with sweet flowers, and tall summer fields shall resign
themselves to autumn. Together, we will plant, and the ground will again be broken.
Wait for the coming train. Wait for the whistle to sing again, you that dwell in the dust.
Mothers and children have labored together; still, hope rises in their breasts.
Posted 2/21/2006 1:03 AM
{ slightly haunted }
i love the bed at my grandparents house that we always sleep in: its rather wonderful in all the best ways. its creaks so nicely, but not when youre sleeping [at least i dont hear it, but that doesnt say too much.] and theres that nice spot where you just roll to, and its rather comfortable. its old, too, but not too old to have many ghosts. just a couple of haunt-y spots. [but i think whenever we get home, ill sleep on my couch in my own dear house. its funny how different places are so different from each other. east tennessee is terribly realistic, texas is day-dreamy. this makes it really weird when something realistic happens in texas, or something day-dreamy in tennessed. but home is [usually] a balanced mix, and school is generally very well balanced, and thats good for me mostly, i think. a good dose of realistic is necessary, and a good dose of daydreams are lovely, but i think that its probably better not to have too much of either, on a very regular basis. a nice mix of both is probably best to have all the time, although some things are not to be always.] i should walk outside more. i have a feeling that im missing lots of terribly beautiful and inspiring moments because im inside, not that inside isnt inspiring, you know. and yesterday we walked down the ghost road. ive been convinced rather all my life that that particular road has been haunted, and i still am. and i voted to walk down the other road, but no one would hear anything of it--it was down that road we were to go, and that was the end of that. goodness. well, reason and broad daylight reminded me soon enough that it wasnt especially haunted in daytime, but ooo im not going to walk there at night [!] i dont know why i think it isisis haunted, really, because im not necessarily sure i believe in ghosts, but this road just looks haunted. full of trees and such, and it doesnt go to any place that i know of. which is something, i think, because most roads seem to go somewhere, even if that somewhere is far away. this road just seems to go right on into nowhere. perhaps therein lies some of the hauntedness. of course, it is easier to believe in ghosts when one reads a lot of l.m. montgomery all at once, and ive been drowning myself in her writing all week. im sure im even writing a bit like her right now, even. egads. but she is rather wonderful. and ive been reading the emily books, after ive been meaning too for probably 10 years, at her suggesstion. very dis/encouraging for a writer too [emily was a writer, and she was good at it, and all of that], but rather wonderful [!] i actually laughed out loud four times, in three books. thats a good ratio. and look at this lovely thing:
"...when it became sadly evident that mr. wallace's calls at new moon had ceased, the reason was eventually discovered. [emily] had told mr. wallace that she could not marry him.
"why?" demanded aunt elizabeth in icy disapproval.
"his ears, aunt elizabeth, his ears," said emily flippantly. "i really couldnt risk having my children inherent ears like that."
i always knew that was a valid reason not to get married. not necessarily a good valid reason, but a valid one nevertheless. [!] oh, but girls, if you want to borrow them in j-term, [when theres lots of time to read, thank heavens,] feel free! they are lovely. also, if i ever get a dog, i mean to get one that i have to keep up with when we go walking, rather than one whom i have to drag along. i disapprove of that, it makes things rather more difficult. [plusalso: i like people who can keep up with me and whom i can keep up with, or be just a little behind and ahead of each other, and that way we can race to keep up with ourselves.] although if i ever get a dog, im sure i have lots of ideals [not licking me all over, and chewing things and such] about it that will not exactly come to pass just as i want them too. i think thats a point of something, i think. maybe i should get a dog. i do get things awfully stuck in my head sometimes. im finding more and more that i set things up in my head just how i want them and then i really am truly perplexed when they arent that way. mostly about the way things and people look, and the names of things, and how people are. o dear. i should probably break that habit, i feel rather sure. perhaps ill have to make resolutions this year. usually i just skip it cause i make rather a lot of resolutions all the time, but maybe some of them will work better if its on new years, like officially and all of that. new years is always a funny thing to think of, how on earth has it gotten around to it again, and what shall happen next and all of that. [but heres a 157 kisses for new years, loves. xxxxx, plus the rest of them] thank goodness i am not in charge, and im eversoglad that i know who is[!] because im probably a mess, i think. and i dont even know what to do about things, or with things, but possibilites are terribly dreadful and exciting things. [!]
Posted 12/30/2005 11:46 AM
"...when it became sadly evident that mr. wallace's calls at new moon had ceased, the reason was eventually discovered. [emily] had told mr. wallace that she could not marry him.
"why?" demanded aunt elizabeth in icy disapproval.
"his ears, aunt elizabeth, his ears," said emily flippantly. "i really couldnt risk having my children inherent ears like that."
i always knew that was a valid reason not to get married. not necessarily a good valid reason, but a valid one nevertheless. [!] oh, but girls, if you want to borrow them in j-term, [when theres lots of time to read, thank heavens,] feel free! they are lovely. also, if i ever get a dog, i mean to get one that i have to keep up with when we go walking, rather than one whom i have to drag along. i disapprove of that, it makes things rather more difficult. [plusalso: i like people who can keep up with me and whom i can keep up with, or be just a little behind and ahead of each other, and that way we can race to keep up with ourselves.] although if i ever get a dog, im sure i have lots of ideals [not licking me all over, and chewing things and such] about it that will not exactly come to pass just as i want them too. i think thats a point of something, i think. maybe i should get a dog. i do get things awfully stuck in my head sometimes. im finding more and more that i set things up in my head just how i want them and then i really am truly perplexed when they arent that way. mostly about the way things and people look, and the names of things, and how people are. o dear. i should probably break that habit, i feel rather sure. perhaps ill have to make resolutions this year. usually i just skip it cause i make rather a lot of resolutions all the time, but maybe some of them will work better if its on new years, like officially and all of that. new years is always a funny thing to think of, how on earth has it gotten around to it again, and what shall happen next and all of that. [but heres a 157 kisses for new years, loves. xxxxx, plus the rest of them] thank goodness i am not in charge, and im eversoglad that i know who is[!] because im probably a mess, i think. and i dont even know what to do about things, or with things, but possibilites are terribly dreadful and exciting things. [!]
Posted 12/30/2005 11:46 AM
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
the world is a confusing place [but full of glorious excerpts [or extras [?]]]
three sets of brackets, gah. my punctuation is getting out of control.
but it took me 12 hours to think of it, minus the 7 i was asleep. so i guess thats even? probably.
* * * * *
"sometimes you feel the world is coming to an end.
and then sometimes you feel the world is just b e g i n n i n g ?"
[umhum. [ old movies are soo sexy.]]
Currently WatchingThe Sound of Music (40th Anniversary Edition)
Posted 12/28/2005 5:29 PM
three sets of brackets, gah. my punctuation is getting out of control.
but it took me 12 hours to think of it, minus the 7 i was asleep. so i guess thats even? probably.
* * * * *
"sometimes you feel the world is coming to an end.
and then sometimes you feel the world is just b e g i n n i n g ?"
[umhum. [ old movies are soo sexy.]]
Currently WatchingThe Sound of Music (40th Anniversary Edition)
Posted 12/28/2005 5:29 PM
[ so, feliz navidad.]
i think the feeling i hate mostest in the whole world is knowing that im not good enough for, oh, whatever. school, or friends or whatever. i guess capable is what i mean. i really hate feeling uncapable.
but anyway, the point of that was that ive been feeling o-so-uncapable for a while now, but now even more and differently and also just ridiculous
because i cant speak spanish except a little, and he [israel, student from ecuador who is studying in texas that daddy met him and his family when he was in ecuador last november, and israel came here for christmas since he couldnt go to home for some reason. i dont know enough spanish to know why not yet.] but he speaks only the smallest amount of english and im very flustered, and uncapable, and its so weird to be that way when im home, because it should be all comfortable here, and it mostly is. but also very uncomfortable.
because even though i suck a mug at spanish [i learned the alphabet in spanish 3 for goodness sakes], i speak it the best out of my whole family [cause i did learn a lot of stuff before the alphabet, i guess, thank heavens], and a lot of other people too. and thats just sad.
also, its very no good. and im getting veryvery good at rearranging things in my head to work with my limited vocabulary. im thinking of a lot of spanish in my head, even when im talking english, so i can try and remember things.
and im trying osohard to function as some sort of translator person. and yes, my spanish has improved a lot in the past week, let me tell you, [!] and so has his english. but its still very bad, and osohard, and most of our conversations [with each other, and when im "translating"--[ha!]-- go like this: [either person can start, in either language:]
"words, words, words"
"repeating what you said?"
"no se. more words said in attempt to clarify."
"que?"
"repeats what we said already."
"oh, no se.[!] repeate, y no rapidimente, porfavor."
"say it again"
"*sigh.* no se. donde esta un dicctionario?"
"aqui"
*making thinking faces and looking up necessary words."
"try again."
"eh?"
"gaaahh! no se, no se."
"gah. muy mal. lo siento."
"si, es muy dificil. no es importante."
"un momento. *looks at dictionary again*."
"some awful mix of spanish and english"
" no comprendo! gaaaaah!"
"gaaaaaaah! no se, no se."
and its very funny and ridiculous and laughing and looking up things and flustered and thinking really hard in another language. and its hard. harder than i would have guessed. i feel stupider more often than i would have expected, or strictly desired. and weird.
if i were somewhere else in a different country or something, i would expect to not be able to communicate and i would revel in how different we all are and how cool sounding that language is, and i wish i could speak it [but i wont bother], and also how im so glad that english is a relatively common language]. but im at my house and i should be able to talk and i cant [at least not to the extent that im used to to everyone] and its weird. and i dont like it and i dont like to feel stupid, and i dont want other people to feel stupid. and its just no good, altogether.
and words are important to me
well, because i like them. and i like it when they are used well, and cringe when they are used badly, and i want to know them and about them, and play with them and make them pretty, and i like to speak them [duh] and hear them ever so much. its practically my favorite. ever, i think. at least almost.
and i like what they accomplish, and how they go about accomplishing things
in that simmer-y way
but anyway, i was just thinking today how absolutely crazy it is that there are so many more words in the world, probably like a thousand other languages worth. like not necessarily in meaning, but in tenses and conjugations and grammar, histories and idioms and dialects, sound and feel and weight.
and i only know like .0000000158 of those words
actually, probably less and that is absolutely crazy
and i never will know them either. and hardly even some of them. and thats so weird. and then theres all the people we wont get to know, and all their stories
theres not enough time and i probably waste the time i do have; i dont love enough, or do enough about it [mamaT again].
cause im stupid, and who even knows why else
i dont know. and then daddy sang that one song with the men's group for christmas music this weekend
i forget what its called.
but whatever. and it said something like "and that Baby, not yet speaking, was the Word of God to man."
and i just thought about how beautiful that was--
[ so, feliz navidad.]
Posted 12/23/2005 12:03 AM -
but anyway, the point of that was that ive been feeling o-so-uncapable for a while now, but now even more and differently and also just ridiculous
because i cant speak spanish except a little, and he [israel, student from ecuador who is studying in texas that daddy met him and his family when he was in ecuador last november, and israel came here for christmas since he couldnt go to home for some reason. i dont know enough spanish to know why not yet.] but he speaks only the smallest amount of english and im very flustered, and uncapable, and its so weird to be that way when im home, because it should be all comfortable here, and it mostly is. but also very uncomfortable.
because even though i suck a mug at spanish [i learned the alphabet in spanish 3 for goodness sakes], i speak it the best out of my whole family [cause i did learn a lot of stuff before the alphabet, i guess, thank heavens], and a lot of other people too. and thats just sad.
also, its very no good. and im getting veryvery good at rearranging things in my head to work with my limited vocabulary. im thinking of a lot of spanish in my head, even when im talking english, so i can try and remember things.
and im trying osohard to function as some sort of translator person. and yes, my spanish has improved a lot in the past week, let me tell you, [!] and so has his english. but its still very bad, and osohard, and most of our conversations [with each other, and when im "translating"--[ha!]-- go like this: [either person can start, in either language:]
"words, words, words"
"repeating what you said?"
"no se. more words said in attempt to clarify."
"que?"
"repeats what we said already."
"oh, no se.[!] repeate, y no rapidimente, porfavor."
"say it again"
"*sigh.* no se. donde esta un dicctionario?"
"aqui"
*making thinking faces and looking up necessary words."
"try again."
"eh?"
"gaaahh! no se, no se."
"gah. muy mal. lo siento."
"si, es muy dificil. no es importante."
"un momento. *looks at dictionary again*."
"some awful mix of spanish and english"
" no comprendo! gaaaaah!"
"gaaaaaaah! no se, no se."
and its very funny and ridiculous and laughing and looking up things and flustered and thinking really hard in another language. and its hard. harder than i would have guessed. i feel stupider more often than i would have expected, or strictly desired. and weird.
if i were somewhere else in a different country or something, i would expect to not be able to communicate and i would revel in how different we all are and how cool sounding that language is, and i wish i could speak it [but i wont bother], and also how im so glad that english is a relatively common language]. but im at my house and i should be able to talk and i cant [at least not to the extent that im used to to everyone] and its weird. and i dont like it and i dont like to feel stupid, and i dont want other people to feel stupid. and its just no good, altogether.
and words are important to me
well, because i like them. and i like it when they are used well, and cringe when they are used badly, and i want to know them and about them, and play with them and make them pretty, and i like to speak them [duh] and hear them ever so much. its practically my favorite. ever, i think. at least almost.
and i like what they accomplish, and how they go about accomplishing things
in that simmer-y way
but anyway, i was just thinking today how absolutely crazy it is that there are so many more words in the world, probably like a thousand other languages worth. like not necessarily in meaning, but in tenses and conjugations and grammar, histories and idioms and dialects, sound and feel and weight.
and i only know like .0000000158 of those words
actually, probably less and that is absolutely crazy
and i never will know them either. and hardly even some of them. and thats so weird. and then theres all the people we wont get to know, and all their stories
theres not enough time and i probably waste the time i do have; i dont love enough, or do enough about it [mamaT again].
cause im stupid, and who even knows why else
i dont know. and then daddy sang that one song with the men's group for christmas music this weekend
i forget what its called.
but whatever. and it said something like "and that Baby, not yet speaking, was the Word of God to man."
and i just thought about how beautiful that was--
[ so, feliz navidad.]
Posted 12/23/2005 12:03 AM -
12.09.05
its funny how just a change in scene or talking with favoritest people can inspire a fresh flow of thoughts. new thoughts are good. umhum. [so--talking my head off.[!]]
consequently, ive been scribbling in my new little notebook [which is awesome, and im so glad i have it. because ive needed it. my regular notebook, which i actually do miss very much despite the coolness of the little one, is easier to write in and nice to hold. but unfortunately, that is one of those things still in the car waiting to be unpacked. im a mess.]
anyway, its so nice to be home among all the nice familiar things and christmas. this weekend was all of the church music stuff, and i dont even know if i can explain why i love that so much. i made everyone go twice [and i would have gone the third time, if could have managed it, but i couldnt.] i dont know why i love it sooo much, really. and its not like im especially in love with all christmas music. i think its the choir, actually. and all the people singing altogether, and everything. really, its one of the few things that makes me tearyish.
also, i miss being in a choir. i like having something to make perfect. i had ballet, and choir and stuff, and now i have writing, but thats harder for some reason. maybe because in choir someone else is responsible for making you sound good, and with writing its all you. but i do enjoy it a very great deal when i feel like i can make something perfect after i write it. not that that happens all that often. i mostly just love those moments where i think i have finally written a line of poetry that works. how rare [!]
i started my first book of the break [my goal is to read 4 over christmas] and i forgot how much i lovelovelove to read for fun. its everso lovely. also: i need to reread the best christmas pagent ever this year, im pretty sure. i think i skipped last year. also, i really like how the Christmas Story is soo famiilar in that way where i almost have it memorized and when someones reading it i can say it along with them and know just whats coming, but i probably couldnt recite it. maybe i could, i dont know. i havent tried. but then still also, its still lovely.
and i just took the contacts out of my eyes for the second time in like a month, or month and a half or something. it feels funny without them.
gah, i want to be good at something. i remembered that this weekend. like i might even want to be an expert at something. or something like that. but it is a comfort to know that i do have some sense about me, at least sometimes. and i do think i have relatively good instincts [if i could just follow them]. like: i usually have a good idea of what to wear to places. and what not to do with necklaces. and how to call the ambulance if necessary, and how to refrain if its not. and other stuff. not too much sense, yet, but there is the smallest hope that someday there will be more.
its funny to notice your own speech patterns. like i know i talk fast, and probably mumble a lot of times, but i dont really know that i am. except for every once in a while i catch myself and im amazed and like wow. that was horrible, and i should talk clearer.
but anyway, lately ive caught myself being very uncommittal, and um-ming a lot, and saying "something" and "stuff." hmm. who even knows why. its probably a phase.
also, i think its so terribly important to know the harmonies to things, because it just sounds prettier that way, so ive been working on it. because i fully intend to be one of those ladies who sits in the back of church and belts out the harmonies [even very badly] to all of these great old songs with my hair up in a bun and pearls and heels, like i know what im singing about [!] cause by that time, lets hope i do. but i want to know what happens if everyone thinks its important to know the harmonies? then theres no melody, and thats a problem, but how are we supposed to know who sings what? i think maybe there should be sections in church too, like in choir. except, i think i found out that i know a lot of the tenor harmonies instead of the alto ones, because daddy sings louder than mumma, i guess, and its been that way for my whole life. but he sings tenor, so i picked a lot of those up, i think ? im not even sure, exactly. but if i do know the tenor ones, thats a smidgin embarrassing and kindof weird and mostly awkward, and whatever am i going to do to correct that? i dont even know.
i think i get sleepier a lot faster without contacts in my eyes. hum.
currently reading: the best christmas pagent ever
Posted 12/19/2005 2:28 AM
consequently, ive been scribbling in my new little notebook [which is awesome, and im so glad i have it. because ive needed it. my regular notebook, which i actually do miss very much despite the coolness of the little one, is easier to write in and nice to hold. but unfortunately, that is one of those things still in the car waiting to be unpacked. im a mess.]
anyway, its so nice to be home among all the nice familiar things and christmas. this weekend was all of the church music stuff, and i dont even know if i can explain why i love that so much. i made everyone go twice [and i would have gone the third time, if could have managed it, but i couldnt.] i dont know why i love it sooo much, really. and its not like im especially in love with all christmas music. i think its the choir, actually. and all the people singing altogether, and everything. really, its one of the few things that makes me tearyish.
also, i miss being in a choir. i like having something to make perfect. i had ballet, and choir and stuff, and now i have writing, but thats harder for some reason. maybe because in choir someone else is responsible for making you sound good, and with writing its all you. but i do enjoy it a very great deal when i feel like i can make something perfect after i write it. not that that happens all that often. i mostly just love those moments where i think i have finally written a line of poetry that works. how rare [!]
i started my first book of the break [my goal is to read 4 over christmas] and i forgot how much i lovelovelove to read for fun. its everso lovely. also: i need to reread the best christmas pagent ever this year, im pretty sure. i think i skipped last year. also, i really like how the Christmas Story is soo famiilar in that way where i almost have it memorized and when someones reading it i can say it along with them and know just whats coming, but i probably couldnt recite it. maybe i could, i dont know. i havent tried. but then still also, its still lovely.
and i just took the contacts out of my eyes for the second time in like a month, or month and a half or something. it feels funny without them.
gah, i want to be good at something. i remembered that this weekend. like i might even want to be an expert at something. or something like that. but it is a comfort to know that i do have some sense about me, at least sometimes. and i do think i have relatively good instincts [if i could just follow them]. like: i usually have a good idea of what to wear to places. and what not to do with necklaces. and how to call the ambulance if necessary, and how to refrain if its not. and other stuff. not too much sense, yet, but there is the smallest hope that someday there will be more.
its funny to notice your own speech patterns. like i know i talk fast, and probably mumble a lot of times, but i dont really know that i am. except for every once in a while i catch myself and im amazed and like wow. that was horrible, and i should talk clearer.
but anyway, lately ive caught myself being very uncommittal, and um-ming a lot, and saying "something" and "stuff." hmm. who even knows why. its probably a phase.
also, i think its so terribly important to know the harmonies to things, because it just sounds prettier that way, so ive been working on it. because i fully intend to be one of those ladies who sits in the back of church and belts out the harmonies [even very badly] to all of these great old songs with my hair up in a bun and pearls and heels, like i know what im singing about [!] cause by that time, lets hope i do. but i want to know what happens if everyone thinks its important to know the harmonies? then theres no melody, and thats a problem, but how are we supposed to know who sings what? i think maybe there should be sections in church too, like in choir. except, i think i found out that i know a lot of the tenor harmonies instead of the alto ones, because daddy sings louder than mumma, i guess, and its been that way for my whole life. but he sings tenor, so i picked a lot of those up, i think ? im not even sure, exactly. but if i do know the tenor ones, thats a smidgin embarrassing and kindof weird and mostly awkward, and whatever am i going to do to correct that? i dont even know.
i think i get sleepier a lot faster without contacts in my eyes. hum.
currently reading: the best christmas pagent ever
Posted 12/19/2005 2:28 AM
Saturday, October 13, 2007
i heart my grandcat.
right, so. when i was driving somwhere [in nashville, most likely, so it probably figures] there was a car, and the car had a bumpersticker that said:
i heart my grandcat.
firstly, that just made me giggle, because that is just osovery funny sounding. but then i started thinking about it and i got confused because what does that even mean? did the lady's cat have baby cats? does her grandchild have a cat? does her child have a cat that they treat like an actual child? is it someone who has a cat for a grandmother? does the person just call their grandmother "cat"? i dont even know, but any way you go, its weird. and i dont even understand that. people should work on being clear when they talk about things like that. and other things too, i suppose.
and heres another one. well, first of all i decided several things about christmas music. 1) i decided that christmas music is very much like catholic things. catholic people all hear the very same sermon every single week, apparently, and at christmas, every single place you ever even go to is playing all the same music and all the radio stations too. so thats pretty crazy. 2) that i do indeed have a limit about how much christmas music i want to hear. maybe it is different if its the really great versions of all the songs [i really do think that there are standards and classics for these things. not all christmas music is equal, you know. for example, at work there is one version of "white christmas" that they play and its bing crosby singing it, and that is one of the classic ones but they put him singing it over some hideous sounding techno mix or something like that. ket me assure you that the effect is simply unbearable.] right, but i thought i could mostly listen to christmas music for a really long time [during the christmas season, of course,] because its so...great, and classic and it just makes you want to drink hot chocolate and snuggle up or something. but mostly, i was wrong, i guess. after 7 hours in a row of mostly awful christmas music, i am perfectly content to listen to something else for the whole rest of the day.
bother, i had all kinds of things to say when i started writing, and im forgetting them. this is a problem, because i need to remember all the things to write down that i can. [see, i really dont think i can write things when i grow up. i have no plots in my head evereverever, just a whole lot of terrribly interesting people with terribly interesting quirks.] im all kinds of forgetful lately, too. i forget to eat, and sleep, and where i put my keys. and they were lost for a whole 2 days, which gets a smidgin inconvient, let me tell you and i had to hop through my window a whole bunch of times, but then i found them, of course in a spot where i had looked 2934 times already.
oh. i remember what i was saying about christmas music. there is this one song that they played 35 times [because there are only so many of them, you know, so you get a lot of repeats] that said something about how "christmastime is here all over the world" and i couldnt even decide if thats true or not, because what i dont know is whether or not its christmas in places they dont even celebrate christmas. like in africa. the whole continent is probably celebrating kwanza or however you spell it, and consequently, it wouldnt be christmas. but then again, is christmas, or anything really, dependent on whether people believe that it is happening? or maybe that only works with some things--like gravity happens regardless of whether someone thinks it does or doesnt--instead of about everything. who even knows. but the point is, they should be clear about that.
i wishwishwish i was not so completely bumbling and ungracious. and i wish i knew what to say. i never know what to say. wouldnt it be nice if we could keep all the things we like about ourselves [because there are a few things here and there, im sure] and get rid of all the things we dont like [because there are some of those too.] wouldnt it be interesting to see if people kept and got rid of the same things in each other. probably so. and probably it would cause some problems too. i dont know.
we were debating the correct pronunciation of "contemplative" the other day [thanks to mamaT, of course. and hey, we did the first day of that today, and i dont even think it was awful. but i probably talked like crazy fast, but its alright.], and we came to the conclusion that we didnt even know how to say it, and i didnt even have a dictionary, so i couldnt look it up, [which is a quirk of my own, i do like to look things up in a good dictionary, which reminds me, im supposed to be learning one new word everyday, for the sole reason of being a genius at scrabble when i grow up, but i keep forgetting. but i think being a genius at scrabble is a new goal of mine.]
but i should be more contemplative, anyway, is the point of that. and i have been, i think, lately contemplating more, and tonight when i was running errands, i made a very conscious effort to be thinkingthinkingthinking the whole entire time instead of zoning out. and then i remembered that i cant run errands and write things down at the same time, so i was doing a whole lot of talking outloud so i could hopefully remember the most important things, which, alas, i cant. but probably i will remember them in about 2 days at some really awkward point in the day. so im sure i looked very funny too, when i was walking around places. but o well. i didnt even see anyone i know, except for 2 people, and thats practically a record anymore. i havent even had that much time to hang out this semester [and i miss it!], but i hardly even need to because i have just been running into people like crazy everywhere i ever go. and that makes me scared for when i grow up how many people im going to run into all the time. and also, its funny to think of all the people that you know and how many that is, and how many you will know in your whole life. thats probably a whole lot of people. and that makes my head dizzy. [i think i sound like a hippie in this paragraph probably. i am interested in hippie things lately apparently, and with going with the flow and last night at work i got the "flowerchild" award, which was sortof random. but more about this later, probably] but at any rate, i like people [except for when they pretend to be world-destroying aliens, and various things of that sort], and im curious about them and im glad for them, except for sometimes. and im glad i am one mostly. i decided that.
currently playing: ain't nothing like the real thing, baby
Posted 12/5/2005 3:44 PM
i heart my grandcat.
firstly, that just made me giggle, because that is just osovery funny sounding. but then i started thinking about it and i got confused because what does that even mean? did the lady's cat have baby cats? does her grandchild have a cat? does her child have a cat that they treat like an actual child? is it someone who has a cat for a grandmother? does the person just call their grandmother "cat"? i dont even know, but any way you go, its weird. and i dont even understand that. people should work on being clear when they talk about things like that. and other things too, i suppose.
and heres another one. well, first of all i decided several things about christmas music. 1) i decided that christmas music is very much like catholic things. catholic people all hear the very same sermon every single week, apparently, and at christmas, every single place you ever even go to is playing all the same music and all the radio stations too. so thats pretty crazy. 2) that i do indeed have a limit about how much christmas music i want to hear. maybe it is different if its the really great versions of all the songs [i really do think that there are standards and classics for these things. not all christmas music is equal, you know. for example, at work there is one version of "white christmas" that they play and its bing crosby singing it, and that is one of the classic ones but they put him singing it over some hideous sounding techno mix or something like that. ket me assure you that the effect is simply unbearable.] right, but i thought i could mostly listen to christmas music for a really long time [during the christmas season, of course,] because its so...great, and classic and it just makes you want to drink hot chocolate and snuggle up or something. but mostly, i was wrong, i guess. after 7 hours in a row of mostly awful christmas music, i am perfectly content to listen to something else for the whole rest of the day.
bother, i had all kinds of things to say when i started writing, and im forgetting them. this is a problem, because i need to remember all the things to write down that i can. [see, i really dont think i can write things when i grow up. i have no plots in my head evereverever, just a whole lot of terrribly interesting people with terribly interesting quirks.] im all kinds of forgetful lately, too. i forget to eat, and sleep, and where i put my keys. and they were lost for a whole 2 days, which gets a smidgin inconvient, let me tell you and i had to hop through my window a whole bunch of times, but then i found them, of course in a spot where i had looked 2934 times already.
oh. i remember what i was saying about christmas music. there is this one song that they played 35 times [because there are only so many of them, you know, so you get a lot of repeats] that said something about how "christmastime is here all over the world" and i couldnt even decide if thats true or not, because what i dont know is whether or not its christmas in places they dont even celebrate christmas. like in africa. the whole continent is probably celebrating kwanza or however you spell it, and consequently, it wouldnt be christmas. but then again, is christmas, or anything really, dependent on whether people believe that it is happening? or maybe that only works with some things--like gravity happens regardless of whether someone thinks it does or doesnt--instead of about everything. who even knows. but the point is, they should be clear about that.
i wishwishwish i was not so completely bumbling and ungracious. and i wish i knew what to say. i never know what to say. wouldnt it be nice if we could keep all the things we like about ourselves [because there are a few things here and there, im sure] and get rid of all the things we dont like [because there are some of those too.] wouldnt it be interesting to see if people kept and got rid of the same things in each other. probably so. and probably it would cause some problems too. i dont know.
we were debating the correct pronunciation of "contemplative" the other day [thanks to mamaT, of course. and hey, we did the first day of that today, and i dont even think it was awful. but i probably talked like crazy fast, but its alright.], and we came to the conclusion that we didnt even know how to say it, and i didnt even have a dictionary, so i couldnt look it up, [which is a quirk of my own, i do like to look things up in a good dictionary, which reminds me, im supposed to be learning one new word everyday, for the sole reason of being a genius at scrabble when i grow up, but i keep forgetting. but i think being a genius at scrabble is a new goal of mine.]
but i should be more contemplative, anyway, is the point of that. and i have been, i think, lately contemplating more, and tonight when i was running errands, i made a very conscious effort to be thinkingthinkingthinking the whole entire time instead of zoning out. and then i remembered that i cant run errands and write things down at the same time, so i was doing a whole lot of talking outloud so i could hopefully remember the most important things, which, alas, i cant. but probably i will remember them in about 2 days at some really awkward point in the day. so im sure i looked very funny too, when i was walking around places. but o well. i didnt even see anyone i know, except for 2 people, and thats practically a record anymore. i havent even had that much time to hang out this semester [and i miss it!], but i hardly even need to because i have just been running into people like crazy everywhere i ever go. and that makes me scared for when i grow up how many people im going to run into all the time. and also, its funny to think of all the people that you know and how many that is, and how many you will know in your whole life. thats probably a whole lot of people. and that makes my head dizzy. [i think i sound like a hippie in this paragraph probably. i am interested in hippie things lately apparently, and with going with the flow and last night at work i got the "flowerchild" award, which was sortof random. but more about this later, probably] but at any rate, i like people [except for when they pretend to be world-destroying aliens, and various things of that sort], and im curious about them and im glad for them, except for sometimes. and im glad i am one mostly. i decided that.
currently playing: ain't nothing like the real thing, baby
Posted 12/5/2005 3:44 PM
Monday, October 8, 2007
[ things to say ]
[one of my goals in life is to have pretty hands. and my hands are getting there, im working on it. but when my hands do get there, i am going to take a typing class, cause i never learned how to type correctly. and i am going to practicepracticepractice till im great at typing. and then im going to put a mirror in front of my computer keyboard, and just watch my hands typetypetype. it will be osopretty and im excited for it.]
the date november 3 seems like it should always be on a thursday. i like thursdays. its a very stressful, but very calm day, i think. [and i think "november 3" has the right kinds of sounds to achieve that combination of things, and that is a good combination.] thursdays are also a resigned day. even if things do go wrong, its ok, cause its almost friday. things will decidedly be better tomorrow. its practically the only day that its safe to promise someone that things will be better tomorrow, and even then its not always foolproof.
[i have lots of thoughts on lots of subjects, i decided. i should probably not talk my head off so much, sorry. but ive been trying not to talk so much in person lately, so i think i have a lot to say. oops ]
people are always talking about how much they dislike emails and IM, and such things because they cant see the person and their face and such, and because they think that you cant tell emotions or whatever in them. i sortof agree that its nicer to see faces, because in person is better, and thats all there is to it, but really, i think i do better in writing. [and this is sortof sucky, because i dont like to write. well, i mean i like to have written, but the act of writing itself is mostly like pulling teeth without any pain medication and doing it yourself in your bathroom with a hammer.] but anyway, all the emotion you are going to get from me can be found in things i write, its probably the surest and clearest way to get into my head. i mean, reading anything i write is just exactly like getting a peak into the depths of my being because its all there, just like it comes out--and its just how it is on the inside. and that makes it vulnerable. and vulnerable makes it scary. regardless, today is two years of consistentish writing [on here], and thats a long time. but owell. lets have some cake.
im glad for it though, really. its a waste of time, and all of that, but it has been the one thing that has made me consistently tell stories, and think about writing, and what to say and the importance or not of punctuation and things like that. and thats osogood for me.
this week was halloween. i was a witch for the first time in my whole life, and i felt kindof bad about it. like, i didnt want to be a witch, so i decided that i was pippi longstocking dressed up as a witch. this is because i had to be at work, which was irritating and all ive been doing lately, and i had to wear black, and so i was going to be a ladybug, but then i couldnt find anything to make that happen on a slightly short notice, and slightly short notice is all the notice i give to most things, and then i decided i was going to be a cat, but alas, no cat things were to be had, either. so i found a great big, floppy witch hat, that looked as though it might have belonged to a friendly witch. it also came equipped with a set of hot pink braids that sortof stuck out, and then bought myself some hot pink fishnet tights [very sexy, let me tell you], and wore my fake emo shoes, so i looked like i was a friendly-pretend-hotpink-emo-pippi longstocking-witch. and i ate candy when i was at work too, so it wasnt all bad, i guess.
lately at work, and with my own mother, i have been realizing the importance of mothering. its an extremely important task, ive decided. its been one of those weeks where ive been running around in circles and dont know what to even do next and ive been working and writing, and the combination thereof means my room positively exploded. and this has been one of those weeks where ive called my mother 9 times a day, or at least four times, but she doesnt mind it, still. and anyway, so all of these mothers have just been talkingtalkingtalking, [because thats what girls do, and i love that osomuch--and moreover, thats what mothers do. im convinced that mothers talk more than regular women.] [also, i love my mother [and my father, but thats besides the point] but i also love my pretend mothers that come along. like my favorite mother at work always reminds me to eat dinner and to make sure i leave enough time for my schoolwork. and those women i know that i just want to be like, because they are so amazing. and i love. the women in the grocery store who are always so willing to advise on any little question i may have. it makes me really happy.] [and ive been reading mother teresa, who loved to remind people that even if a mother could forget her child, He couldnt forget us because he carved us on the palm of his hand, something like those a 2yearolds tatoos, but far more permanent.]
but anyway, i want kids, i want a lot of kids. but not right now, oooooh no. im pretty sure im not excited, at all, really, about actually being a mother [yet?] except for this: i want that universal experience desperately. i cant even imagine so many things about being a mother; they are forever telling me at work "oh, well, you probably wouldnt understand this..." and "youre mother would know what we're talking about..." and i want that experience. it would help me understand more things, i think.
yes, and i have this thing where i dont know what to say. this is why i dont like to call the dentist: i have no idea what to say to him. and it doesnt matter that i called to make an appointment, and thats all. i still dont know what to say. and one time i was walking out of this hotel we were all staying at, and the woman right outside the door was smoking. and as soon as me and my friend walked out the door, she started apologizing for smoking and telling us all about how she has tried to quit a whole lot of times, but just couldnt, and how she has this whole guilt complex about it. i felt so bad for making her feel bad, but i couldnt exactly tell her that it was fine and dandy for her to keep smoking, because i think its an unhealthy habit, and i dont support dying unnecessarily. i didnt know what to tell her. [i think i ended up telling her please not to feel guilty just because i walked out as she was smoking.]
and i dont know what to tell other people either.
i dont know how grown-ups always know what things to say. they know how to call the dentist, and how to answer the millions of questions kids ask about everything, and what to say to 2yearolds who ask "where did brother go?" [when brother is not coming back, because brother has passed away] and i dont know what to say when someone dies or loses their baby or breaks up with their boyfriend, or something. and i could probably think of something to say and write it down later, but that does no good whatsoever in the moment of need. i need to be so much more gracious. and real.
;
in theory, communism is a good idea. after all, why should you complain about being a happy little peasant? "it seems so much easier than actually dying for a cause or something."
but thats silly. we all know that communism never works for those same three reasons that i learned in economics [sin nature, no price system, and i can never remember the third one. ill think of it tomorrow]. and it pretty much doesnt work evereverever. that leaves us with about 2 options: live for real and being and then dying [which is hardhardhard but lovely], or being the oppressed poor little masses [and thats just pitiful and ridiculous,] and thats all there is to that [i think.].
currently playing: plans // deathcabforcutie
Posted 11/3/2005 6:45 PM
the date november 3 seems like it should always be on a thursday. i like thursdays. its a very stressful, but very calm day, i think. [and i think "november 3" has the right kinds of sounds to achieve that combination of things, and that is a good combination.] thursdays are also a resigned day. even if things do go wrong, its ok, cause its almost friday. things will decidedly be better tomorrow. its practically the only day that its safe to promise someone that things will be better tomorrow, and even then its not always foolproof.
[i have lots of thoughts on lots of subjects, i decided. i should probably not talk my head off so much, sorry. but ive been trying not to talk so much in person lately, so i think i have a lot to say. oops ]
people are always talking about how much they dislike emails and IM, and such things because they cant see the person and their face and such, and because they think that you cant tell emotions or whatever in them. i sortof agree that its nicer to see faces, because in person is better, and thats all there is to it, but really, i think i do better in writing. [and this is sortof sucky, because i dont like to write. well, i mean i like to have written, but the act of writing itself is mostly like pulling teeth without any pain medication and doing it yourself in your bathroom with a hammer.] but anyway, all the emotion you are going to get from me can be found in things i write, its probably the surest and clearest way to get into my head. i mean, reading anything i write is just exactly like getting a peak into the depths of my being because its all there, just like it comes out--and its just how it is on the inside. and that makes it vulnerable. and vulnerable makes it scary. regardless, today is two years of consistentish writing [on here], and thats a long time. but owell. lets have some cake.
im glad for it though, really. its a waste of time, and all of that, but it has been the one thing that has made me consistently tell stories, and think about writing, and what to say and the importance or not of punctuation and things like that. and thats osogood for me.
this week was halloween. i was a witch for the first time in my whole life, and i felt kindof bad about it. like, i didnt want to be a witch, so i decided that i was pippi longstocking dressed up as a witch. this is because i had to be at work, which was irritating and all ive been doing lately, and i had to wear black, and so i was going to be a ladybug, but then i couldnt find anything to make that happen on a slightly short notice, and slightly short notice is all the notice i give to most things, and then i decided i was going to be a cat, but alas, no cat things were to be had, either. so i found a great big, floppy witch hat, that looked as though it might have belonged to a friendly witch. it also came equipped with a set of hot pink braids that sortof stuck out, and then bought myself some hot pink fishnet tights [very sexy, let me tell you], and wore my fake emo shoes, so i looked like i was a friendly-pretend-hotpink-emo-pippi longstocking-witch. and i ate candy when i was at work too, so it wasnt all bad, i guess.
lately at work, and with my own mother, i have been realizing the importance of mothering. its an extremely important task, ive decided. its been one of those weeks where ive been running around in circles and dont know what to even do next and ive been working and writing, and the combination thereof means my room positively exploded. and this has been one of those weeks where ive called my mother 9 times a day, or at least four times, but she doesnt mind it, still. and anyway, so all of these mothers have just been talkingtalkingtalking, [because thats what girls do, and i love that osomuch--and moreover, thats what mothers do. im convinced that mothers talk more than regular women.] [also, i love my mother [and my father, but thats besides the point] but i also love my pretend mothers that come along. like my favorite mother at work always reminds me to eat dinner and to make sure i leave enough time for my schoolwork. and those women i know that i just want to be like, because they are so amazing. and i love. the women in the grocery store who are always so willing to advise on any little question i may have. it makes me really happy.] [and ive been reading mother teresa, who loved to remind people that even if a mother could forget her child, He couldnt forget us because he carved us on the palm of his hand, something like those a 2yearolds tatoos, but far more permanent.]
but anyway, i want kids, i want a lot of kids. but not right now, oooooh no. im pretty sure im not excited, at all, really, about actually being a mother [yet?] except for this: i want that universal experience desperately. i cant even imagine so many things about being a mother; they are forever telling me at work "oh, well, you probably wouldnt understand this..." and "youre mother would know what we're talking about..." and i want that experience. it would help me understand more things, i think.
yes, and i have this thing where i dont know what to say. this is why i dont like to call the dentist: i have no idea what to say to him. and it doesnt matter that i called to make an appointment, and thats all. i still dont know what to say. and one time i was walking out of this hotel we were all staying at, and the woman right outside the door was smoking. and as soon as me and my friend walked out the door, she started apologizing for smoking and telling us all about how she has tried to quit a whole lot of times, but just couldnt, and how she has this whole guilt complex about it. i felt so bad for making her feel bad, but i couldnt exactly tell her that it was fine and dandy for her to keep smoking, because i think its an unhealthy habit, and i dont support dying unnecessarily. i didnt know what to tell her. [i think i ended up telling her please not to feel guilty just because i walked out as she was smoking.]
and i dont know what to tell other people either.
i dont know how grown-ups always know what things to say. they know how to call the dentist, and how to answer the millions of questions kids ask about everything, and what to say to 2yearolds who ask "where did brother go?" [when brother is not coming back, because brother has passed away] and i dont know what to say when someone dies or loses their baby or breaks up with their boyfriend, or something. and i could probably think of something to say and write it down later, but that does no good whatsoever in the moment of need. i need to be so much more gracious. and real.
;
in theory, communism is a good idea. after all, why should you complain about being a happy little peasant? "it seems so much easier than actually dying for a cause or something."
but thats silly. we all know that communism never works for those same three reasons that i learned in economics [sin nature, no price system, and i can never remember the third one. ill think of it tomorrow]. and it pretty much doesnt work evereverever. that leaves us with about 2 options: live for real and being and then dying [which is hardhardhard but lovely], or being the oppressed poor little masses [and thats just pitiful and ridiculous,] and thats all there is to that [i think.].
currently playing: plans // deathcabforcutie
Posted 11/3/2005 6:45 PM
Thursday, September 27, 2007
18 August 2007
27 holliday street
the heights, ----------, 2005
my dearest bert,
it seems so long since i have last written to you, and even longer since i have heard from you, but the calender tells me otherwise--really only a few weeks [!]. it seems like longer because so much has happened. perhaps unfortunately for you, and my inkpen, i thought that you should hear all about my adventures, seeing as i owe you a letter anyway. i shouldnt like to keep you waiting any longer. i shall tell you everything i have been doing, and then you can tell me to stop talking, or, rather, i fully leave in your hands the option to stop reading. you know. afterward, you may tell me the same.
lately, i have been meeting up with all sorts of people that i am aquainted with, at work and such. but only half-aquainted, you understand. people that i know, but not enough to talk to or anything. and sometimes they forget they know me as well, even though they may look at me like they should know me. this produces awkward uncertainty about which course of action to take. shall i re-introduce myself and cause potential embarrassent? shall i carry on the conversation in my head so as to avoid causing that embarrassment, and still prove to myself i know their names and their boyfriends names and how long they have in fact been engaged, and when they are getting married, despite the fact they cant exactly remember if they know me at all. i dont know. perhaps im too unkind.
also, ive been feeling rather discouraged with myself of late. for example, if i was going to finish all the books i purposed to finish this summer, i should have to read four a day if i were going to finish them by the time i resume my studies. more over, there are quite a few things i would change about myself and i should know how and i should be able to, but i dont know if i am. i always feel like such a naughty dimwit when im with half the people i know. and when i read your letters i feel like a...a nincompoop. you know, someone did call me that once, and im not sure that i even fully recovered. im not even entirely sure what its supposed to mean. although, i laughed at the time. and im chuckling even now, for its such a funny word. yes, i do suppose i do appreciate the comment for its comedic value, for it was rather humorous.
in all the time we have been corresponding, i dont believe i have been to the eye doctor yet. well, today i managed to make it there. and i nearly fainted for the first time in my life, and i didnt bring my smelling salts. i have never fainted in all my born days, so i wasnt expecting such. the doctor dialated my eyes, as per normal procedure, and i got tingly all over, and very dizzy, and my ears were ringing very loudly. the doctor continued talking, but that was a blur and i guess when i didnt answer him, [i think i said uhhuh.] but i think i told him my ears were ringing. he sent in a nurse, who checked my blood pressure 3 times cause she couldnt believe her readings [she was getting 70/40 at the best one] and so she ran and grabbed another nurse, and three came and they were slightly frantic for a minute because i guess 70/40 is no good. but then it was 120/60 so they made me drink water and put my head down till later. but the good news is that i had none of the normal side effects from the dialation--no trouble with reading, or sensitivity to light--just the almost fainting. im passive-aggressive, you see. i told my mother not to make me go.
how interesting to think that all the time ive just spent writing this letter really doesnt matter. this paper will last only as long as it takes to burn, or decay. these thoughts are mortal; they are yours and mine only as long as you choose to keep them, and im sure that they are unoriginal at best. its strange how the most important things are sometimes not really important at all. faith hope and charity, for example, and, i should say, love. these are the greatest, and of these, love is the the best. but love too shall pass away--love is not the most important thing in life--outside, of course, of the one who loves completely. but that is a different subject altogether. love is the greatest of the greatest, yet we see the greatest of these becoming the least once again. there are things greater, and more magical than we can fathom. love is unfathomable, but closer to understanding than all the rest, you see. fascinating, new, unexpected--indeed. but also: just as he said it would be. and in the meantime, we shall bungle up loving as best as we are able, i suppose, for we are not so great as it as we ought to be.
mortal thoughts or not, though, i dont suppose we shall let the postman find himself without a job, now, should we?
always--
your jules
Posted 8/18/2005 10:31 PM
the heights, ----------, 2005
my dearest bert,
it seems so long since i have last written to you, and even longer since i have heard from you, but the calender tells me otherwise--really only a few weeks [!]. it seems like longer because so much has happened. perhaps unfortunately for you, and my inkpen, i thought that you should hear all about my adventures, seeing as i owe you a letter anyway. i shouldnt like to keep you waiting any longer. i shall tell you everything i have been doing, and then you can tell me to stop talking, or, rather, i fully leave in your hands the option to stop reading. you know. afterward, you may tell me the same.
lately, i have been meeting up with all sorts of people that i am aquainted with, at work and such. but only half-aquainted, you understand. people that i know, but not enough to talk to or anything. and sometimes they forget they know me as well, even though they may look at me like they should know me. this produces awkward uncertainty about which course of action to take. shall i re-introduce myself and cause potential embarrassent? shall i carry on the conversation in my head so as to avoid causing that embarrassment, and still prove to myself i know their names and their boyfriends names and how long they have in fact been engaged, and when they are getting married, despite the fact they cant exactly remember if they know me at all. i dont know. perhaps im too unkind.
also, ive been feeling rather discouraged with myself of late. for example, if i was going to finish all the books i purposed to finish this summer, i should have to read four a day if i were going to finish them by the time i resume my studies. more over, there are quite a few things i would change about myself and i should know how and i should be able to, but i dont know if i am. i always feel like such a naughty dimwit when im with half the people i know. and when i read your letters i feel like a...a nincompoop. you know, someone did call me that once, and im not sure that i even fully recovered. im not even entirely sure what its supposed to mean. although, i laughed at the time. and im chuckling even now, for its such a funny word. yes, i do suppose i do appreciate the comment for its comedic value, for it was rather humorous.
in all the time we have been corresponding, i dont believe i have been to the eye doctor yet. well, today i managed to make it there. and i nearly fainted for the first time in my life, and i didnt bring my smelling salts. i have never fainted in all my born days, so i wasnt expecting such. the doctor dialated my eyes, as per normal procedure, and i got tingly all over, and very dizzy, and my ears were ringing very loudly. the doctor continued talking, but that was a blur and i guess when i didnt answer him, [i think i said uhhuh.] but i think i told him my ears were ringing. he sent in a nurse, who checked my blood pressure 3 times cause she couldnt believe her readings [she was getting 70/40 at the best one] and so she ran and grabbed another nurse, and three came and they were slightly frantic for a minute because i guess 70/40 is no good. but then it was 120/60 so they made me drink water and put my head down till later. but the good news is that i had none of the normal side effects from the dialation--no trouble with reading, or sensitivity to light--just the almost fainting. im passive-aggressive, you see. i told my mother not to make me go.
how interesting to think that all the time ive just spent writing this letter really doesnt matter. this paper will last only as long as it takes to burn, or decay. these thoughts are mortal; they are yours and mine only as long as you choose to keep them, and im sure that they are unoriginal at best. its strange how the most important things are sometimes not really important at all. faith hope and charity, for example, and, i should say, love. these are the greatest, and of these, love is the the best. but love too shall pass away--love is not the most important thing in life--outside, of course, of the one who loves completely. but that is a different subject altogether. love is the greatest of the greatest, yet we see the greatest of these becoming the least once again. there are things greater, and more magical than we can fathom. love is unfathomable, but closer to understanding than all the rest, you see. fascinating, new, unexpected--indeed. but also: just as he said it would be. and in the meantime, we shall bungle up loving as best as we are able, i suppose, for we are not so great as it as we ought to be.
mortal thoughts or not, though, i dont suppose we shall let the postman find himself without a job, now, should we?
always--
your jules
Posted 8/18/2005 10:31 PM
[ almost ]
almost is a good and bad word, at the same time. hum.
[you know.]
what happened in glen oak park last thursday
you wanted me to come and get an icecream with you,
on a sunny afternoon. you said it would be nice.
i was hesitant; i mumbled something about having
things to do: grocery shop, feed the cat, read the newspaper.
i might have said yes, if you were someone else, or i was,
or if i had been wearing my favoirte fuchsia shirt.
who doesnt feel brave in fuchsia? brave like a small child
on the big swingset for the first time, without the safety belt
and not even needing the safety belt, either.
i bought a notebook and a package of pencils on my way home
and then i imagined out a different ending for everything.
Posted 7/28/2005 9:07 PM
[you know.]
what happened in glen oak park last thursday
you wanted me to come and get an icecream with you,
on a sunny afternoon. you said it would be nice.
i was hesitant; i mumbled something about having
things to do: grocery shop, feed the cat, read the newspaper.
i might have said yes, if you were someone else, or i was,
or if i had been wearing my favoirte fuchsia shirt.
who doesnt feel brave in fuchsia? brave like a small child
on the big swingset for the first time, without the safety belt
and not even needing the safety belt, either.
i bought a notebook and a package of pencils on my way home
and then i imagined out a different ending for everything.
Posted 7/28/2005 9:07 PM
the way we pack.
im leaving! [?]
with janna! [?]
ill miss you. [!]
im not packed. [!?]
we were leaving 45 minutes ago, and we feel sure that it will be an adventure. we have no idea how we are going, just where we are supposed to be when we are done. we might get lost, i guess. this will be fun.
Posted 7/20/2005 6:19 AM
with janna! [?]
ill miss you. [!]
im not packed. [!?]
we were leaving 45 minutes ago, and we feel sure that it will be an adventure. we have no idea how we are going, just where we are supposed to be when we are done. we might get lost, i guess. this will be fun.
Posted 7/20/2005 6:19 AM
Saturday, September 22, 2007
(i like driving in my car)
// 'My my my it’s a beautiful world
I like driving in my car
Roll the top down sometimes I travel quite far
Drive to the ocean stare up at the stars
I like driving in my car.
And still this emptiness persists
Perhaps this is as good as it gets?
Now I leave the party early at least with no regrets
I watch the sun as it comes up; I watch it as it sets
Yeah, this is as good as it gets.' //
well, i got my first sunburns of the season: first at graduation and then a drivers side burn when i was coming home. that means that the sun is probably out a lot when im around, which is nice, but irritating because i burn like crazy. you know. [i can never marry someone who isnt tan-ish because we would have clear children.] but i didnt even really notice until someone told me congratulations about my tan. i laughed about that. but maybe i am a little darker in those two spots? and i am not even one of those people that minds having tan lines. im proud of tan lines cause i never have any. and earlier my mother was talking to my little sisters about an experiment with a hotdog, and what happens is that you put sunscreen on one half of it, but not on the other and then leave it in the summer sun for a while. and according to my ten-year-old sister "one half looks like daddy cooked it [and that means its burned] and the other half looks like church cooked it [that means it was cooked in mass numbers, and it wasnt even given proper enough time to cook all the way.]" what is it about food cooked in mass that automatically loses all appeal? if i ever get around to cooking things fit to eat and then i go on to cook in mass, i plan to make things taste good, even if i did make 100 of them.
and i get home, and all i actually wanted was some peas. [or some other real food i guess.] but no such luck. all we had to eat was cereal or something else that i didnt want. i had cereal. and i love cereal, i do, but i really wanted peas. they could go with the hotdog and the macandcheese, that i also want.
anyway, so i finally finally finished packing, sortof, [im desperately hoping that i didnt forget anything drastically important.]and it was, of course, miserable, and then i drovedrovedrove home and i got home and my house is all different, and it all looks weird and stuff, but pretty sweet, i guess and then i took a shower. i am happy to report that everything else may look different, but the shower looks mostly the same. and on sunday, i also learned that i dont actually know how to clean out bathtubs, because when you rinse it, half the time the dirty water just gets swirled around again. and i never noticed it happening so much as yesterday. my mother told me i could practice cleaning the bathtub all summer so i could figure it out. isnt she great?
and then after a while i went to sleep, but then what do you know my mother woke me up at 10 in the morning, which is waaaaay to early. so i am still humongously sleepy. and im sore from carrying everything to my car. but i am not sore from carring everything to my house, because everything is in my car still. im not allowed to bring it inside, actually. you know. my car is really squasched up with stuff. i could barely barely even see out the window or any of them. but i could see enough [sortof] not to get pulled over, and to get home, and those are of the important goals for the week accomplished. other goals are still in the works. im all ambitious and i would set myself some really huge impressive goals, but i think that it contributes to my sense of failure when i set the goals so large that i can even reach them. i do that a lot. so one goal is to set reasonable goals. o yeah, and another goal on the way home was to put air in my tires, but i forgot how so i called my father, of course, and he was trying to explain, but that wasnt working so he told me to go find some gas station guy and look helpless. he knows me pretty well, i guess.
and another goal is to learn how to dance this summer from my ghetto neighborhood. that would be really awesome. but my mother says that halfway into the dance lesson, they would probably shoot me or something because i would just be that awful. its possible, i suppose, but not likely.
Posted 5/23/2005 3:03 PM
wrapping presents
i have a firm policy about the importance of wrapping--rather than putting into bags--presents. i was, consequently, super late watching the classic movies and saving presents from that dreadful fate, and then arranging them under the tree so they caught the lights just so. [only to be promptly destroyed in the morning of course. this is one of the curses that the song speaks of. the tree and lights and presents look so christmasy, for lack of a better word, and it is a shame to destroy them. but in the morning, the curse seems to be broken simply by waking up and oh, j o y to the world indeed, for christmas has finally come.]
Posted 12/26/2004 12:02
Posted 12/26/2004 12:02
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
i am not a cryer. i usually dont cry about that many things.
[but first of all, i seem to be crying a lot lately. not alotalot but enough. more than usual.]
and christmas music makes me cry. or at least tear up. actually come to think of it that sort of music in general does. the symphony or choir performences or anything like that. and it has ever since i was little. i dont know why. for goodness sakes, i was running the powerpoint this time for our christmas program and telling my sister not to give me bunny ears and that they couldnt all go to the bathroom at once and i was still teary.
maybe its just the overflow of everything else that seems to be out of place this year [?].
[really, one ought to have waterproof mascara anyway. and i cant seem to remember that when i buy mascara. its hard to look good in front of Jesus or anyone else if your mascara is everywhere, because getting everywhere is what happens to mascara when you cry.]
but i suppose it is a comfort that ages and ages ago, He cried about stupid things too--things like eating and whatever other stupid things that babies cry about. He probably cried about the angel music too, cause it woke him up. and then i bet mary was mad at those angels. [this is very beside the point, but i really want to know: half the songs say things about "silent nights" and then other half of the songs say things about "glorious mornings." now my theory is that he was actually born at about 430ish in the morning so that they could say both of those things, but is that theory right? and if he was born at night...it probably wasnt silent. and if he was born in the morning, a few people probably didnt think it was glorious for a while. and if he had to have been born silently at night, would he have been born loudly during the day? i am curious about these things.]
but anyway, the point is that i want some waterproof mascara for christmas. [acutally, i want to not need any waterproof mascara, but whatever.] and the other point is that i shouldnt get any, cause no one ever said that you have to look good or have it all together to have christmas. Jesus didnt look good, or smell good i bet and he still had christmas. heck, He was christmas. and im not even sure mascara was invented back then, and even if it was, it wouldnt have mattered. cause boys always seem to have the good eyelashes anyway. and since Jesus could arrange what sort of eyelashes he had, he probably made them nice. hum.
Posted 12/22/2004 11:10 PM
[but first of all, i seem to be crying a lot lately. not alotalot but enough. more than usual.]
and christmas music makes me cry. or at least tear up. actually come to think of it that sort of music in general does. the symphony or choir performences or anything like that. and it has ever since i was little. i dont know why. for goodness sakes, i was running the powerpoint this time for our christmas program and telling my sister not to give me bunny ears and that they couldnt all go to the bathroom at once and i was still teary.
maybe its just the overflow of everything else that seems to be out of place this year [?].
[really, one ought to have waterproof mascara anyway. and i cant seem to remember that when i buy mascara. its hard to look good in front of Jesus or anyone else if your mascara is everywhere, because getting everywhere is what happens to mascara when you cry.]
but i suppose it is a comfort that ages and ages ago, He cried about stupid things too--things like eating and whatever other stupid things that babies cry about. He probably cried about the angel music too, cause it woke him up. and then i bet mary was mad at those angels. [this is very beside the point, but i really want to know: half the songs say things about "silent nights" and then other half of the songs say things about "glorious mornings." now my theory is that he was actually born at about 430ish in the morning so that they could say both of those things, but is that theory right? and if he was born at night...it probably wasnt silent. and if he was born in the morning, a few people probably didnt think it was glorious for a while. and if he had to have been born silently at night, would he have been born loudly during the day? i am curious about these things.]
but anyway, the point is that i want some waterproof mascara for christmas. [acutally, i want to not need any waterproof mascara, but whatever.] and the other point is that i shouldnt get any, cause no one ever said that you have to look good or have it all together to have christmas. Jesus didnt look good, or smell good i bet and he still had christmas. heck, He was christmas. and im not even sure mascara was invented back then, and even if it was, it wouldnt have mattered. cause boys always seem to have the good eyelashes anyway. and since Jesus could arrange what sort of eyelashes he had, he probably made them nice. hum.
Posted 12/22/2004 11:10 PM
when hell freezes over
this year is the first time in my life [ i think ] that i have openly defied my parents more than once in any given week. in fact, i dont think that i have ever disobeyed my parents so much. this conversation has taken place very numerous times during the past monthish:
"julie, you can not stay awake all night. we are your parents and we absolutely forbid it. you must get some sleep."
"parents, too bad. i have to do some work or a lot of it, so i am not going to sleep. i shall openly defy you regarding this matter."
and my life is going something like this: in the christmas-gift-sort-of-bags from work, every one got some playdoh and a candy cane (??).
my candycane broke, and i got black playdoh.
i didnt even know they made black playdoh and i did a whole report about playdoh once.
and my to-do list is about the size of the those epics poems that im trying to write about. and before everything is crossed off the list, there might be just as much pain, violence and bloodshed as in those epic poems too: either i am going to be dead, or one or two of my professors will be. [but dont anyone go call the police or something, i dont have time for that.]
but eventually, i will get my stuff done. i know it. i'll finish it all about the time it stops raining in jackson, which will be about the time that hell freezes over.
and i know im not the only one who is feeling like this. so we should all start a club: the hey-lets-chew-gum-so-we-arent-fat-cause-we-stress-eat-when-we're-stressed club. and we shall blow bubble gum bubbles in our spare time, [except we dont actually have any of that,] and the bubbles will remind us of...something......
...like christmas....ornaments...or something....which will remind us of break--huzzah!--which will remind me of the fact that i havent bought any christmas presents except for one, which i bought on accident today, which will remind me that i am generally just a awful person who is generally incapable [even though i trytrytry to be good and un-needy and capable and stuff], which will remind me that i do indeed need Jesus, a nap, a hug, and a milkshake, and probably in that order.
Posted 12/7/2004 1:31 AM
"julie, you can not stay awake all night. we are your parents and we absolutely forbid it. you must get some sleep."
"parents, too bad. i have to do some work or a lot of it, so i am not going to sleep. i shall openly defy you regarding this matter."
and my life is going something like this: in the christmas-gift-sort-of-bags from work, every one got some playdoh and a candy cane (??).
my candycane broke, and i got black playdoh.
i didnt even know they made black playdoh and i did a whole report about playdoh once.
and my to-do list is about the size of the those epics poems that im trying to write about. and before everything is crossed off the list, there might be just as much pain, violence and bloodshed as in those epic poems too: either i am going to be dead, or one or two of my professors will be. [but dont anyone go call the police or something, i dont have time for that.]
but eventually, i will get my stuff done. i know it. i'll finish it all about the time it stops raining in jackson, which will be about the time that hell freezes over.
and i know im not the only one who is feeling like this. so we should all start a club: the hey-lets-chew-gum-so-we-arent-fat-cause-we-stress-eat-when-we're-stressed club. and we shall blow bubble gum bubbles in our spare time, [except we dont actually have any of that,] and the bubbles will remind us of...something......
...like christmas....ornaments...or something....which will remind us of break--huzzah!--which will remind me of the fact that i havent bought any christmas presents except for one, which i bought on accident today, which will remind me that i am generally just a awful person who is generally incapable [even though i trytrytry to be good and un-needy and capable and stuff], which will remind me that i do indeed need Jesus, a nap, a hug, and a milkshake, and probably in that order.
Posted 12/7/2004 1:31 AM
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
