Our Charlotte Mason Preschool year plan!

Even though Charlotte didn't believe in Preschool.

36 Weeks--26 letters + 10 numbers   (It has taken us longer, but we aren't dedicated)
so 1 letter or number / week in all corresponding books

LETTER WEEKS
--A is for Apple.  I love these for the tracing aspects.
--Sticker Activity Letters.  her favorite part
--Big Thoughts for Little People devotional
--My First ABC informal! picture study

NUMBER WEEKS
--1 2 3 Count with me
--Sticker Activity Numbers
--Hand Commands Devotional

--Kindermusik Weekly
--Lots of outside play (although, we failed in winter due to the POLAR VORTEX) and drawing a    
  picture in our nature journal when we saw something interesting
--Before Five in a Row read alouds + all of the books we own + Childcraft Vol. 1 Poems of Early Childhood
--Mary Engelbreit's Nursery and Fairy Tales

--Chapter Book Read alouds with mom:
*Little House in the Big Woods
*Mr. Popper's Penguins
*Milly Molly Mandy
*Both Winnie the Pooh books

--Audio Books for quiet time:
*Raggedy Ann + Andy
*Beatrix Potter
 on Booksshouldbefree.com
*Pooh--Peter Dennis
*Paddington--Stephen Frye

and once again, leap year.

so, the other day i was telling my parents how i was watching julie & julia while my husband was out of town and it was so inspiring--cooking! pushing and stretching and editing and working toward this (hopefully) glorious end (the food, not the clean-up.) how it felt like ballet, and writing, and maybe decorating and even cleaning, if i stretch it. and i kindof missed that feeling.  the obvious solution, aside from cooking through mastering the art, they said, was writing again. huh.  (perhaps, really, the answer should be cleaning more, but that is a different problem.)
so i came back tonight, after making myself a little chocolate pie because 1) that's what she she started with in the movie:

--Do you know what I love about cooking?
- What's that?

-- I love that after a day when nothing is sure,
and when I say "nothing" I mean nothing,
you can come home and absolutely know
that if you add egg yolks to chocolate
and sugar and milk, it will get thick. 
It's such a comfort.

-Bad day?  And When will this pie be ready?

and also because my father made such a delicious pie for mother's day that the 1.8 pieces i ate simply weren't enough. and yes, daddy, when i made my meringue tonight, i used cream of tartar, in honor of you. 

so as my pie was cooling, i thought i better just check out how this little blog was doing, all alone over here in this corner of the internet, and i remembered why i got scared away last time!  and it happened again tonight! gah!  first, the last posted post was right around & about leap years day last year.  now there wasn't a leap year day, proper, but it was close enough.  and sure enough, the next time i get the urge to write something was leap year!  hence the title.  but then i got started thinking about it (why do i always want to write things on leap year!?) and got weirded out, and didnt finish. 

 

so then tonight, i was a little more serious about it, probably because i made pie, and i came back and found a post from about this time last year (it must be something about the spring air and open windows) and it was still a surprisingly relevant post.  some things i talked about there were things i was planning on talking about tonight, like cooking! weird, right?  so tonight, you get two posts.  the unpublished one from last year, and this. (i have no idea why it was unpublished.  alas.) 

 maybe next up: birth stories?  my goal is at least 300 words/week, people.  also, i realize that most people these days have pictures with their blogs.  that seems hard will be the thing standing between me and blog fame, i am sure. haha.  so if you need pictures, then, um, i'm very sorry?

arise, shine.

well, i'm happy to report that i am learning things. this is a new development since lately, because before i felt so...stagnant. stagnant is not a good feeling.

the study of isaiah at bsf was very good for me. many things to learn here, and although every single study thus far has directly effected my life in some tell-able way, this was perhaps the most...personal. it dealt with My sin, My idols, My lack of get-up-and-go (of the spiritual variety, well, and the other varieties too) and so many promises God made to Me. it is far too unusual feeling to be dealing with God so directly. it hurts, in a good way (mostly) but i want more anyway. like eustance, peeling away his dragon skin.

the narnia movies are just not that good, by the way. as if you didnt know that already i just read them all again lately, and was reaffirmed in my new decision to try to read them at least every 18 mo. actually i still need to finish the magicians nephew. it got lost halfway through, and its kindof a bummer to be hanging out in the middle of a book for so long.

isnt it funny to be waiting for things? i am waiting for many things right now, and i don't know whether i should be working on them, and thinking about them (trying not to worry, i know.) and planning for them, or just...waiting. waiting is hard, and i think i am also learning to have empathy with others, who are waiting for harder things than i am. its just such a limbo state, and the thing about being in a limbo state, is that the game of limbo is not just super fun, and so to be stuck in that state is not necessarily awesome. i wonder who came up with the game of limbo?

i want to try to write here at least sometimes, so that i can remember. a little stone monument, if you will. its a little thing i can offer, which is not much: this meager sacrifice of words. but i do hope it will be multiplied and harvested even up to 100x.

jed and i are working to have less meaningless internet time; perhaps that will force me back here? that would be a positive. although, i may switch to wordpress, but my goodness, what a pain that is, because i have to change Everything over, because i hate having all of everything scattered all over the internet, even though i don't mind it in real life. something else i need to work on, dont remind me. 

one of the other things i am learning is how to cook. i do not actually want to know how to cook, but it has become apparent that someone in this family needs to know how and

The lot was cast and then I drew,

And Fortune said it shou'd be you.

alas. it was me, indeed. although, i will say that jed is getting to be an even better GRILLMASTER. mmmm. unfortunately on my end, its not going quite so well. although i can make deviled egg with the best of them (i like them plain and delicious, just like i like my men ??? i dont think jed is plain, though.) and my asparagus cooking has improved leaps and bounds i tell you. other than that, its a little on the sketchy side. its not for a diet, though, its for a LIFESTYLE. thats what i keep telling myself. and its a lifestyle where i can eat good, healthy things that God made, like God made them plus some chocolate chips on the side. whats so bad about that? isnt it a funny thing to realize that God was right all along? it shouldn't be a surprise, but sometimes it is. and he made everything to work so perfecly...just like babies.  oh my goodness,  babies. 

leap year.

well. here goes.
i have one semi-writer acquaintance who says that her head just goes crazy when she doesnt write, or somesuch. maybe thats the trouble with me lately. i think i have had a lot of extra words lately, and maybe my poor husband would appreciate not being the one who gets to hear ALL of them. and generally when he's just about ready to go to sleep. our schedules are a little off, apparently.

__________ ridiculously enough, paragraphs below are actually inspired by the movie "leap year" which im currently watching with some of the aforementioned favorite people. and yep, leap year is actually quite a romantic day and wonderful, i think. the movie? "not quite so damn romantic." but not terrible, either. ____________

boy, last night when i felt like blogging i had a bunch of things all planned out that ought to be said! but of course, now i can't think of them. look what a measly 20 hours does to me.
tonight i was sitting with some of my people that i love and we were having such a nice time. more than one of them could testify about my talking in my sleep; isnt that strange. i wonder if rosie will inherit that. its so funny the things that i am passing onto/teaching rosie already, and i feel like its super pressurey. i also can't believe the things/how much that she is learning already; in the last several weeks shes started to saying all kinds of things, and its so great. her little voice is so cute. loooooveeee.

also, we bought a house, did i tell you that? we bought it for, like, ever ago. or at least nine months ago. it was a short sale and it needed a decent little bit of work. jed has already accomplished the biggest piece of it: putting in heat, which has been so nice all winter--we have radiators and then you get cold enough, you just go sit right on top of one of them. or put your towel on top of it when youre in the shower. thats happy. i have a to-do list a mile long for the house still, and so does jed, but, unfortunately, they are a little different. also unfortunately, his probably really are more important to get to first. jed has a good head on his shoulders. which he would forget if it werent attached. but attached it is, so we're in good shape.

this is hard. i am terrible at cultivating habits, did you know? madison (whose idea this was) just told me...um...i forgot. oh. remembered. she just told me that i need to reintroduce the 300 words a day habit. but how caaannnn iiii?

oh, i remembered somethign i did this week. i sewed some pillows. that was kindof new-ish, but they turned out. also, i'm crocheting a stash-buster, retrofabulous nice big afghan. its coming along kindof slowly, (my fingers are out of shape, apparently) but i think it'll be awesome when its done, and im kindof motovated to finish, actually, unlike most of my projects. usually im just a good starter.

one time, i went sqare dancing, did i tell you? it was my FAVORITE. EVER. i loved it so much! it was so fun, and such good exercise. and i want to do it everyday. alas. thats just not exactly practical. why does practicality win so often? that is one of the major problems in life.

here is the verse i am trying to memorize right now. because i think that actually, if i don't get a little non-practical in my life, i can actually get quite dispaired. and dreary, daily, everyday-ness is amazingly wearing on ones soul, no? we were talking tonight about whose job is hardest (teaching, student-ing, mothering, desk-ing, being a (sweet) baby). its all so draining. and we have to work so hard for each little bit of intimancy, communion, delight (although, now, with rosie, delight comes a little more easily). my verse of late says "i would have dispaired if i did not believe i would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." and while i've been studying isaiah, there are many promises of fresh-ness, new joy, streams of water in the desert. i am ready for that. how to get it, im less sure. such a conundrum. is conundrum the right word? i can't keep track of things like that. moreover, i seriously think i'm kindof loosing my grasp on the english language. a ton of times now, im talking to jed and im like "blahblah...you know that one thing...its like tall, and it has leaves and stuff...what is that?..." and hes like "a tree?" and i'm like oh yeah! a tree! its weird.

i wonder if that will go away sometime, like if i ever get more sleep sometime?
i wonder if i will feel a little less crazy now? maybe feeling crazy is a good thing? not sure. today, also, i watched a funny youtube tutorial about how to disco. i think they left out some parts, not sure-not a disco expert-, but its way harder than i thought. it was crazy.

dfaclkdjioagmknvlcajgjkngjulavklkfjgjfglfkg fguiov frklnkvjs ijofuhaqmcoprfigbjkfnbgshjgfm b
thats what i really think about that.

name: julie date: 9-12-1991

because the windows are open. and im eating cookies and cream icecream. and my mother is making me. and because i was seven when i wrote this. spelling is original, folks.

~

these things make me feel happy inside:
1. that me and momie got to go to the GA retret.
2. that i have frireds.
3. i'm glad my dad lets me let me use his tiperiter without gitting yelded at.
4.I'm glad I have peres (parents)
5. I have friends. (if this is friends, then what is #2?)
6. I have a tecer. (teacher)
7. Go to silver doller (city?)
8.Go on wed-day to GA's
9. I'm happy I have toys
10. riding book like taky the ping wend (no idea. seriously.)
11. Doing art work.
12. I'm glad thers never been a tornato
13. I'm glad i have a sister.
14. I'm glad on wendasy i don't have to go into the nursy on wendsday.
15. We have satrday and sunday off.

~

im surprised there was no mention of books, besides that weird number 10.

i keep this list in a book. but thought i should post it, in case the book ever gets lost. its h.e. ray's star book. he is the one that wrote curious george. he is well rounded.

i wonder if i will write more on here? i ought to, i know that. there are things to remember, if not things to say.

my parents left me a note on the back--apparently i also made a very attractive watermelon something. and i told them just where to sit whenever they got to my class (for parent-teacher night? open house?). and they love me anyway.
probably i'll have to write again so that i can make a list of things that make me happy now. for the sake of balance.

isnt it funny to find things about your little self? and then get to wonder all night long if little me is still at home in the current me, and if i can still find 15+ things that i'm so happy about i don't care how i spell (i was, i think, actually a pretty decent speller, but maybe that wasnt till later?)--and i think the only reason i stopped was because i was out of lines on the page.

my mother is making me do this.

I.
the icecream truck dilemna

this is a nearly life-long dilemna. i want the icecream, but either 1) my parents wouldnt let us have icecream before or during supper when he drove by, or 2) now i am simply not up for chasing an icecream truck.
so the question becomes: who the heck DOES buy the icecream from the truck? how are those things really still in operation?? i mean, im glad they are, as they are a charming part of american society, which is so lacking in a million other things, but seriously. also, we were sitting on the porch tonight with my newly painted chairs (and so now my hands and feet are still semi-spraypainted blue.) and the icecream man drove by, and he was SO CREEPY. if i had been contemplating icecream, i would have changed my mind. and that is not to say that there are not icecream who are nice. im sure. but still.

II.
things i would rather be doing right now than writing this:

1. crocheting
2. reading agatha christie.
3. eating icecream
4. exercising (hrm.)
5. sleeping
6. watching seinfeld.
7. or a movie.
8. baking banananut bread.
9. or cookies.
10. roller skating
11. driving across the country
12. painting my nails.
13. vacuuming
14. browsing for interesting houses
15. laundry
16. getting a massage.

the end.

III.
we are having a baby.

IV.
observations on marriage, now that ive done it a little while:

1. when they get sick, you probably will. this is kindof a depressing realization, since before you could go sleep at grandmothers or something. now, you dont go anywhere. you are the take-care-of-er. i imagine this will be worse when the baby does come, because jed is at least a good sick guy, and hes been thankful i havent been since pregnant. (knock on wood.)
2. when they leave, or you leave, its weird without them. but sometimes, youre (secretly) glad, but only for about 5 minutes, because after that, you miss them like crap. and its gladder when they come home anyway.
3. huh. i cant remember what the rest are.
4. if i remember, i might edit them back in later. otherwise, they shall be in another post, i guess.

V.
my mom is making me do this because at BSF they said that writers should write to encourage others about God, and life and such, and mom said i didnt write at all ,why not, and i should. and i said it was because i wasnt a writer, but she said i wasnt nurturing it, and i said well, if i was a real writer, then it should just come out, right? i dont know. what do you think?

(huh. that was more than the required 4 sentences.)

{ what i remember }

1.
how sooo early we had to wake up, and how excited we all were. even though i was so tired!
2.
Getting hair done. i was still making a list of things i had forgotten, and the hair people were so
funny, and we had a delicious breakfast (our friend brought it to us.) I was done super quick. This is where i saw jed first--he stopped by to get some breakfast too. Daddy was out to buy
some shoes at walmart (he forgot to get some otherwise) for breakfast too, and then went to put bows on the trees. I let emily go to walmart too, to buy some other stuff.  (there were sooo many people who helped me!  it was so nice.)
3.
I went to church to get ready! we had to hurry. first thing, i opened all the blinds in the auditorium. It was morning time and i wanted the light to come in! I saw jed again, and made him take his coat off so i wouldnt see him all dressed up either. he told me the three things he was going to remember, (if nothing else--he ended up remembering more after all.)  plus, We just had a lovely few moments together.
4.
So many people back where i was getting ready, and it was crazy. Someone made them all leave so i could get dressed with mom and my sister, and then they came back and we all prayed, which was sweet. Then Dad came back to see me, and then we almost cried, but didnt quite, and then we took just a few pictures, and then it was time to go!
5.
I LOVED my flowers. they were fun, and romantic and classic and perfect. they fit in wonderfully.
6.
I had a few minutes all to myself while everyone else was busy walking in and i couldnt be seen yet. I watched the flower girls and ring bearers for a few minutes (so they wouldnt be loud--and they were so cute). i tried to listen to the music (it was beautiful, but darn the semi-soundproof doors) and tried to make sure that i really wanted to get married, and i guess i did. i was actually pretty calm by then, and the whole day.  i was really deep-down happy. granted, i was a NERVOUS WRECK for a few weeks previous.  but that day, i got over it.
7.
dad came to get me, and i had to get out a little door, and not get my train caught. before the door slammed. Daddy told me a funny story before we walked in (all crying was done the night before, we were pitiful.). We didnt cry the whole time! or, if they did, i didnt know about it, and i was glad, because i wanted a happy wedding!
8.
I couldnt see jed at first. but when i finally could, i couldnt believe the way he was looking at me.
9.
The music was absolutely beautiful. --during the ceremony it was all live. and it was seriously PERFECT. i walked down to this.
even hearing it now makes me catch my breath a little, especially at the end.
10.
i just felt that everyone was so nervous--i could feel it, you know? they were nervous for me and especially daddy. and so when i was walking up on stage, i tripped and couldnt help but laugh out loud. everyone laughed with me, and it was much better! everyone could breathe again.
11.
The sermon was perfect. It was literary and memorable and fit jed and i to a tee. gah. i couldnt get over it.
12.
i couldnt decide if we were supposed to sing or not with everyone. a friend suggest that we just talk in such a way to produce "gentle smiles" i think we did half and half, although i dont know if i remember what we said--probably things along the lines of "can you BELIEVE the number of people here?!" because there were probably 400 people at the wedding proper and about 385 at the reception.
13.
We took communion with our parents. I got too big of a piece of bread on accident and had to chew it for quite some time, it felt like.
14.
it was a perfectly sweet kiss.
14.
the pastor said "WHAT GOD HAS JOINED TOGETHER, LET NO MAN TEAR ASUNDER" very well. i always wanted that said in an old-fashioned pastoral booming voice, and he delivered.
15.
We were supposed to walk back down (or up?) the aisle to "How sweet it is to be loved by you." At the rehersal, they played some ridiculous country song about beer and my baby's loving arms. At the wedding, my dad snuck back on stage and they performed a version of how sweet it is LIVE! about halfway down the asile, i came to the realization that it wasnt james taylor singing...it was my...dad?!?!?!!!! i tripped once again trying to see, and trying to show jed and all of that. I'm sure it was halirious. And we went in the hallway, and hugged and squealed and laughed and kissed and then went back to listen more, and i think i cried a little then and laughed and couldnt believe it. it was so sweet, and he (and all the musicians) sounded SO good. i LOVED it. and so did everyone. i had no idea in the slightest.

16. 

we had a parade over to the reception place.  as dad explained it to everyone: "it was like a funeral, but different!"  that meant that we all got in a line, and honked and waved and the like.  super fun.

17.  

dad had a friend with a 1920s ford that actually ran. jed and i rode in that, but when we went to get in, the groomsmen hadnt put the just married sign on the back yet, so they had to hurry and do that.  except it ended up going all the way around the car, except just on the back, and it was kindof halirious.  there was no air conditioning in the car, (duh) so it was a toss-up between being cooler, or guarding my hairdo.

18.  

the reception was absolutely gorgeous and fun.

there were lots of windows, and lots of light.  the food smelled so good (and later, it tasted good.)  there were balloons, and cake, and buttons to wear, and little flowers, and happy music. it was, in a word, perfect.

19.  

jed and i stood at the door and welcomed/greeted people.  i hugged so many people in a row!  i couldnt believe some of the people who came from so far away even, and it was so lovely to see so many people whom i loved all at once, and even the doctor who delivered jed. (thats tremont for you).  i was dying of heat though, and the line was forever long, and i was so thirsty.  finally someone brought me some water, and i was so grateful.

20. 

 we cut in line (i know!) and got some food.  the stuff i had was super good! (eggs, and spicy, cheesy eggs, too. hashbrowns, bacon & sausage, fruit, pastries, french toast-stuff (my favorite), buicuits and gravy. omg.     

21.  

jed and i had a little table in the middle of everyone.  it was up high, and it was hard to get into my chair.  

22.

we went the IPOD route for the reception, but i picked all my favorite happy songs.  These are the songs i remember hearing: baby, baby (amy grant), strawberry swing (coldplay), all shook up (elvis), glycerine (bush), flowers in the window (travis), and you are my sunshine (bob dylan and johnny cash) and 1234 (feist).  but there were more!  when you are my sunshine came on,  dad was just like "what the heck is this?!" and jed passed all blame onto me.  oh well. how can you go wrong with bob & johnny?!  i didnt apologize.  i still dont. the whole thing was quite happy.   except im still not sure where baby, baby came from.   alas.

23.

the cake table was like something out of my dreams--all those beautiful cupcakes all lined up!  i loved it.  and our little cake was so beautiful.  apparently my parents and i had very similar looking cakes, but i had no idea when i was designing mine that it looked like theirs!  i must have been subconsciously influenced.  it was super good cake, and jed, who doesnt even like cake, liked it.  we didnt really smash it, except for we still got messy, anyway.

24. 

after that, we delievered cupcakes to people (not just us, but the whole bridal party and our parents).  that was fun, too.

25.  

around this time, a kid (who's name i didnt even know) started following me around (kindof annoyingly, actually, but i didnt know his name so i couldnt even tell him to go away (after asking if he needed something?  and even giving him a hug.)  he kept following me, and i kept ignoring him, and eventually he stepped on my bustle and it broke. and being such a mess, i had nothing to fix it with, but someone had a big huge safety pin, thankfully.  it didnt want to hold well, though, and so for the rest of the day we were fixing it.

26.  

we just talked and laughed with people for a while.  it seemed so short, and i know i didnt get to talk to everyone i really wanted to (except for in the big long line).

27. 

when it was time to leave, jed and i got to walk through a tunnel of streamers, which was great.  a little out of pride and prejudice, which isnt bad.  we got back in the old car and drove around the parking lot.  then we didnt know what to do, so we came back to the last few minutes of the party.  we took pictures with our extended families and stuff. and then more with the bridal party somewhere else and then jed and i went to take a few more pictures at this wonderful old house, where i wanted to have the wedding, if about 300 fewer people were coming.  

28.  

all in all, it was the most beautiful day.   it really was.  and we just talked about it for the next 48 hours or so, every little thing we remembered, so we wouldnt forget.  so far, so good.  it was exactly as i thought it ought to have  been, and exactly just like us, and exactly perfect.  and we are happy.(!)

[ on getting married }

p.s. i am so blessed. soooooo blessed! and happy! and overwhelmed! i have almost lost my head. but in the best possible way. im getting married so soon and i cant believe it and i should so be asleep right now. alas.

p.s.s. this is for jed, my almost-husband, and my favorite boy forevermore.



i am sure i have witnessed many minor miracles in my time (as if any miracles are minor). God provided so wonderfully as we moved to Peoria, His grace was so evident when we found out daddy had cancer, and I can see many ways in which He has kept me and given me grace which I do not deserve--not the least of which in making me His child through Christ's sufficient work on the cross.
but, if you were to ask me if i have ever witnessed any miracles personally, i would first mention my third-senior semester in college. i was in Nashville for a journalism conference and i found myself flipping out in general from, as i recall, pre-graduation (aka i-have-no-idea-what-i'm-doing-with-my-life!) and from life in general. as i was walking around a corner downtown there, in the middle of downtown Nashville and country music and motorcycles and homeless people and business people and crazy buildings and traffic, i found:
. . . . . a camel.
. . . . . in downtown Nashville.
. . . . . and he had a ring of flowers around his neck.
. . . . . and he had a name: bo the camel.
there were a bunch of priests and page boys were running around in magenta instead of white, and this was all happening in front of this absolutely beautiful episcopalian? [sp?] church, and the animals were going to church: it was the feast of st. francis, so they were there for a blessing. and a whole church service. and that makes sense, i suppose. i always heard that you should never turn down prayers or blessings, where ever you can get them. kindof like hugs or something. but once in a while, you just have to turn down hugs, if its sketchy enough.
i cant explain why this was a terribly important event for me. but it was. it really changed my whole weekend.
perhaps its something like this: the camel on the sidewalk was completely unexpected, and the last thing i ever thought i would see in the middle of Nashville. it was ridiculous and odd and strange. but at the very same time, there was something very right, and sensible and _wonderful_ about it--of _course_ the camel would be going downtown to church! it was the feast of St. Francis after all.

the same is true of the giraffe. the giraffe, according to the article we read together back in the day, is an odd animal--it doesn't fit into the categories they had set up previously for animals to fit in. It isn't like any of the other ones. but it makes us pause, doesn't it?
the article we read asserted that the giraffe reminds us of playfulness & curiosity, beauty & personality. In these things, we see evidences and glimpses of God. Without the grace of God (both general & specific), all the best things in life would cease to exist--we wouldn't be able to take pleasure in a perfect sunset, a great meal shared with our dearest family & friends, or even the smell of freshly mowed grass, the lights at Christmas or {insert favorite thing here}. The giraffe is just one more reminder to add to those echoed throughout all of everywhere--there is a great Savior, and his love is marvelous, rich and free.

It is a small wonder, i think, that anyone ever gets manages to get married. everyone is so quirky and strange, not to mention self-centered, sinful, and not at all prone to forgiveness, kindness, respect or anything else that makes up true love (in any form). for anyone to be able to love is an extremely remarkable occurance, and we know that its only possible because God first loved us. As we love each other (in a marriage relationship or otherwise), we are also able to get a clearer picture of God and his lovingcare for us, and our right response of our submission to him and reverence for him.

[ for the ENGINEERS:
if A=giraffes, and B=God and C=marriage, then A=B, and B=C, then A=C. right? ]

I suppose that love is like Bo the camel & the giraffes (who don't have names. but if one was to name a giraffe, what would it be? George?) I was certainly surprised to learn that i was, quite possibly, in love and wanted to get married--and even more surprised to learn that my thoughts on the subject actually coincided with someone else's thoughts about me--and it was the same person! (you know how hard that is to do? usually you decide you want to marry someone right about the time they decide they are madly in love with someone _else_).
(imagine my bigger surprise, and subsequent freak out when i found out what the technical name for the giraffe is: giraffia camelopardis. possibly my two most profound miracles are already connected, by some accident of science, or whatnot. i know, right? its almost like it was meant to be, and this scientific, hard-to-pronounce name was the sign. except we don't believe in signs.

So, going to the zoo and seeing the giraffes (and camels, although, sad to say, they do not come with flower chains around their necks in the wild), will always remind us of these great mysteries. And sitting on our ghetto porch, learning how to cook together (right, we have no idea how), taking walks, reading & studying together, having a family, and sharing all these moments with each other, and everyone else we love best, and so on and so forth from now and till forevermore (relatively speaking)--we will have all of these, Lord-willing. And we will have love, "tru wuv," as the impressive clergyman in princess bride says. All of these will be our miracles. And all of these things will remain, in some form or fashion, and the greatest of these is always love.

[on being engaged.]

well, hello.
its been too long since i have last talked to you all, and perhaps too long until i have time to do so again. nothing seems to wait around for me to have time to catch up with it. i shall try to

I. first things first
i am getting married (!). i have suspected such for a little while now, at least since two february-s (ies?) ago, and i have suspected to whom since about this march; and still i was surprised. funny how that works.

II. the bling
and i am surprised at the ring, too. its nothing like i would have probably picked out for myself, but i really love it even though ((like some other things, come to think of it) (--the boy did good. it even fit.)) i gave him only two pieces of advice on the matter, a long time ago: 1) it had better be gold and 2) i didnt want it to be so high or whatever that it caught on everything. he accomplished those two things, and then some. plus! it sparkles so much. yay.
i was talking to an eight-year-old and a six-year-old earlier today, and they were asking me why one gets the pretty ring when you get engaged, and the uglier one when you get married, because isnt getting married more important? no one who was around really had much of an answer. i dont really know myself, but i suppose its a valid question.
picking out the wedding band was much harder. i think i have found one that i like, and jed likes though, but its so hard to pick things that youre going to have to live with for the rest of your life! i am always second-guessing myself.

III. the story
here is a link to the engagement story and pictures, just in case you missed it on facebook, etc. jed seems to have a lingering wish it would have turned out a smidgin differently, but i think it was perfect, so dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

IV. what happened next.
we were so happy afterward. and i dont know when i have ever smiled so much to date. even the next day, when i was telling the story 34250678 times, i was so happy, and even jed was happy. but then it rather quickly lost its appeal, for the simple reason that wedding planning is no fun. it should be, i know. and it shouldnt be complicated, i also know, especially because i have known about what i have wanted since about 2 years ago when i started working at wedding banquets as a server, and then since now i plan a major banquet for a living. but its much harder when you're 1) spending your own money and 2) there are people you actually care about involved. that makes everything harder. and its not like i want something with icescuptures and doves and glass slippers. i just want something happy and easy and great. you would think that would be easier to come by, but alas. its not in the cards for us. (eventually, it might get there, but not anytime soon.) its hard, and i really hate making people unhappy. i did not expect this,
just as i have not expected most things that have happened in the past year or so.

V. The dress
i fell in love with a dress on the first day i went major dress shopping. (the times i went before hand, the people i talked to were just so ignorant. i knew more about wedding dresses than some of them. how is that possible?) Anyway, i could zip up this dress, but not breathe in it. no good. and i couldnt order it, because it takes a million years to get a wedding dress, apparently. so i searched at every other place possible and there was nothing. so i went back to the first place to mourn my loss, and see if there was anything i missed. 20 minutes before they closed they asked if they had shown me the discontinued dresses (they hadnt.) i found one super cheap that was perfect and bought it on the spot. hurray.

VI. the guestlist.
you see, we had some problems. we know EVERYBODY. and everybody we dont know, jed is related to. we couldnt not invite mostly everyone (we spent much time trying), sowe gave up and found the best possible way to invite everyone. because we couldnt not invite them. (how is it that so many people like us? thats a little ridiculous. wonderful, (it is admittedly a very good problem, and we are blessed, but still. its ridiculous.) and: they're mostly all coming. you may come, also, if you want.

it was the most traumatic thing EVER to find places for this whole thing to take place. i tell you what.


VII. the plan:
Saturday morning wedding & brunch reception. we like brunch, but it is terribly ironic because i am quite far from a morning person. we'll see how this goes. they keep telling me that i wont have any trouble waking up (in fact, ill have trouble sleeping for once) but i remain unconvinced.

the pictures will be after the whole thing. the family will have to suck it up and stick around if they want pictures. well, i suppose nonfamily could stick around too, if they want pictures.

hopefully this wedding will be a conglomeration of the things that we like best about weddings, and we'll leave out mostly everything we dislike. for an exhaustive list, email, or perhaps jed and i will write a few posts together on the subject, as this summer we have been practically professional wedding attenders, and jed has the usher thing down pat.

we will also have balloons. and windows, and cupcakes and the most delicious chocolates.


VII. the cake!
jed and i have a little cake for us to eat, and its so cute. more importantly, its the most delicious white cake/buttercream frosting with APRICOT filling. so, so delicious. i dont even like apricots that much, (only the thought of them). we will have white/apricot cupcakes and chocolate with cream in the middle ones for everyone, and they will all have a cherry on top. the lady at the cake store asked me what was up with the cherry, which i think is a silly question, because all the best, most perfect-looking cupcakes have a cherry on top. sheesh.


VIII. a non-wedding related moment

from summer:
apparently life is not all bad, especially in summertime. for example, i have recently discovered something that almost makes me want to stay in the country for a 100 more summers: fireflies!
i used to think that fireflies were these elusive little bugs, just 2 or 5 of them by your flowerbeds around the house in the evening, or by the tree, and they were a little teensy bit hard to catch. because there just werent very many and all that. well, this is not the case in the country--whole fields are aglow with them, and it is truly a beautifully breathtaking sight.
work: bleh. bleh,bleh.
everything: i dont feel like i have enough time for all of this! i want to enjoy this, and sink it all in, but goodness. ive been running around like a chicken.
and this is all too hard.
name: i will miss my old name very much. i think it will be very hard to stop being julie ----- and change all around to julie _____. i am much more like a ------- than i am a _____. but i have recieved reassurances that the new name is a good name, and it sounds all right and all of that, so perhaps, in time, it will be alright. but awfully weird at first. i like my name, and i have always thought that my parents did such a nice job of naming me.
hopefully: after the wedding, we can get everything nice and organized (i havent started going through the gifts and things at all (trying to get the last 12 thank you notes from showers done first, so i can make sure i have everything accounted for!), and we can eat healthier for once, and have time to read some. also, i would like to be writing more than i have had a chance to. i found an old poem when i was cleaning out stuff, and i read it again: it wasnt half bad, surprisingly. (maybe it was, but i still liked it.) and just having time to hang out together. we have been soooo busy!

IX.
still, i am so glad for everything:
church, house, job (kindof). sleeping with open windows again, and peach pie, and so on and so forth.
so many people. and especially my family.
and im glad i get to marry jed.
even if it is weird to think about.
the end, (just for tonight.)

in another life---

I am coming to a problem point in the life of my phone. you see, i am running out of room for voicemails.
did you see that story about the old man who is suing the phone company because they accidently lost his voicemails when he got an new phone or something? He had saved on there his wife's recorded greeting and perhaps a message from her. She had passed away a year ago or something and he played the messages everyday, maybe multiple times in order to hear her voice again. he loved her. he missed her. it reminded him of her.
and then the phone company went off and erased it. hes unhappy. understandably so, perhaps. hopefully, they said they could retrieve it and put it onto a cassette or cd for him. that would be a better option, anyway. he could probably skip the suing if he got that.
it might need to be something i look into. my voicemail is quickly filling up. and its because i have to save all these messages from ever ago--but i need them. they remind me of so many things--the sound of your voice. what i thought about when such-and-such happened. how things were back then. how things are now, and that really, its not even almost all bad. And some of the messages just flat out make me so happy, or even make me absolutely giggle.
so i cant erase them, you see. but i cant exactly continue at the rate im going. does anyone know a way around this?

Also, i am coming to a problem point in my career, perhaps. about a week ago, i was in the shower (where most of the best thoughts inveribly come to you--when you have no place to write them down. do they make shower-wall-pens-that-dont-wash-out-till-later?) and i decided that my current job wasnt working for me (actually, i had been pondering that for a while.) but the meetings, the regimented schedule, the dress code, the enormous responsibility. these are not words that really fit in with my way of life, you know?? i decided that the thing i really want to be is a nurse.
not kidding.
the reasons for this are many-fold.
1. awesome dress code.
2. i would get to talk to all kinds of amazing people. and hear their stories.
3. desks wouldnt be a part of my life. neither would the kinds of meetings i usually get in on here.
4. i am great in emergencies. great.
5. ever since i learned about cells, i've had a total thing for medicine. i am a sucker for cells, you see.
6. good benefits/pay
7. flexible schedule. i dont even think i mind the night thing, and plus, i would only have to work like 3-4 days a week. awesome.
8. nurses are always needed.
9. there is plenty of scope for the imagination. i think heather and renee actually subplanted this thought in my head with their recent anne of green gables marathon, even though i, unfortunately, couldnt be present. plus, also, ive been reading emily of new moon lately. thats close enough. the whole "soothing fever brows, and a rich patient carrying you off with him to the mediterranian" is drastically appealing. im done with cold.
10.my mother and grandmother were also nurses. i wouldnt want to quit the family tradition.
11. plus, i would just be a really awesome nurse.

the cons are:
1. i dont like throw-up.
2. not exactly trained for it. and dont have the more money required for school.
3. everytime ive mentioned it thus far to anyone, they've laughed their heads off. not sure why.

see? i think all signs point to the fact that i should be a nurse, definately. oh well. we shall see, wont we?
(what is the past tense of "shall"???)

im sitting at work right now, actually, and the boy is asleep in my chair, the one all the way across my cubicle. its a good 3 feet away. (i got the luxury office. haha. its really not so bad except for the grayness of it and the no windows thing. oh, and the i-can-hear-everything-going-on-ever thing. i have added a bit to it, which im sure seems strange to the others that work here, but i could not do positively any work without it, and its hard enough to do it as it is.) its a perfect saturday, except for 1) its not quite warm enough 2) there are no windows and 3) i am sitting at work, surrounded by piles of baby bottles and camoflauge silent auction items for the clay shoot. there is a part of work i know nothing--absolutely nothing about, i tell you. why anyone would want to pay a bazillion dollars to come shoot fake orange things? men. geh.
which reminds me: the lady who trained me here told me if things ever got too hard, then i could just get married and have a baby. that way i could quit, but they wouldnt hate me for it. im thinking about taking her up on that advice. i dont quite know how to decide about such, though. i overanalyze, perhaps!

i have been reading again what our mothers didnt tell us, by danielle crittendon. if youre a girl, or guy, i suppose, read it. it has changed my life. seriously.

i also need some more good music to listen to.

speaking of fake orange things, have i ever mentioned that i dont like oranges? i dont. or orange juice. my mother told me i couldnt go to college until i learned to like orange juice, because that is a life skill, but i managed to get there anyway, without liking it. also, lately, i have been drinking real cow's milk--like straight from a cow with no inbetween steps. dont worry, its cold, though. i have had two different kinds (one from the next town over, which actually, i think was transplanted from kentucky, and the other kind from wisconsin.) i actually like the wisconsin kind better, but they both taste just like milk. except, i guess its way better for you. so says jed. it is one of the ironies of life that the boy is so incredibly health conscious, and i am so incredibly....not. but shoot, if i can get some highly necessary-change-your-life-omega-something-or-other that will dramatically impact and improve my health by doing something that i love and would doing anyway? im all for it. (if you want to dramatically change your health and life, too, ill give you his email address because he knows how or something.)

also, for the next month or something (Starting yesterday) we will have 11-12 people living in my house. all my extra makeup has already been commendeered to play princesses. these girls are crazy. they even have their own made up languages and writing and back-stories. back-stories! im so glad they have that. my bestfriend was a great back-storier, and that changed my life, too. but its a good thing that most mornings im too tired to put on any makeup except the mostest absoultely necessary. alas. maybe when i get to be a princess ill take up eyeliner once again--a luxury most of us can ill afford, i'd say.

inventing invention

i had the best breakfast almost of my life the other week.
i wouldnt necessarily say its better than eggs and grits and buscuits and gravy, etc., (homemade or wafflehouse!) or better than a cinnamon roll and hashbrown from mcdonalds, or even french toast and breakfast potatoes at perkins at 11p.m., because those things are good (and some of my absolute favorites), and they have their place.
my breakfast consisted of:
-- a boiled egg (in one of those cool egg dishes.)
-- ham
-- fresh bread and butter
-- a banana
-- chocolate dip for the banana
-- hot chocolate and water

it was so good! ---a different kind of good than the others--a kind of good that was lingering and inspiring and that i want to imitate regularly. i think it was for three reasons:
1. it was fresh and simple and not complicated.
2. it has all necessary things that you love most, and is reasonably healthy: protein, carbs, fruit, chocolate.
3. it is reproduceable.
in fact, i am reproducing it right now. im multi-tasking! and eating a boiled egg (with the outside of the yolk turned grey, which is really the only way i like the yolk.) and a quarter of a gondola, half a banana and some truffle kisses. (so good.) and i am happy about this.

why dont we live like that --all the time?
{2.20.08}
_________________________________________________________________

of course, that was 3 weeks ago, and the original even longer ago than that.
we dont live like that because it is hard to keep up, i think.
today for lunch, for example, i will probably eat peanut butter and jelly (the peanut butter will have omega-3 fatty acids artificially added, because i feel guilty not being healthy enough. i think the bread is smushed. also, i plan on having popcorn (and m&ms---individual sized bags are awesome.) because i've been wanting that. This is the time of year that i want popcorn constantly. unexplainably.
it is warm outside today. this is a change that i welcome. which is a rare enough event.
i think i should try to write on this everyday. i think that i will plan to do this at lunch. i have decided that it is more productive for me not to leave the building if i can help it. although, once its quite warm outside, i plan on walking down to the downtown courthouse square and listening to the provided (and often sketchy) lunch music. plus, its exercise that way. two birds with one stone, no?

even once it gets warmer i might even just want to sit outside and not do a single thing but look at the clouds. i dont do that enough.

nevermind. i just heard there was pizza downstairs for lunch, which i will probably eat instead of the pb&j on squishy bread. goodbye, omega-3s. and smushy bread. i have heard this about pizza: that even when its bad, its good. and also, that you generally cant have too much of it.
although, the pizza does throw off the popcorn plan.

i need to write on here more. i feel tooo smushed under everything, and it is hard to balance and i absolutely cannot live up to all of the expectations. the end. i will use this to remember what is beautiful in this town (if there is such a thing)and in this life (that is here, just hiding). ((( keep me guessing with these blessings in disguise, i suppose.)))
also, do the small bits of beauty outweigh everything else? its hard to say.

i was looking in my notebook just now to see if i had thought of any other gems that i had forgotten about. not really, but i found these two:
1. "Could love have ensued out of order and perfection? maybe. but probably not."
2. "cluelessness is the mother of invention."

these are true, i think. sometimes i surprise myself when the things i do manage to get down on paper are still _true_true later.

once, in first grade, i tried every conceivable way to spell "once." (ALSO---excellent movie. i finally saw it, and i fell in love with it.) ones, wonce~who knows what all i wrote. my teacher was standing over my shoulder and told me all my ways were wrong, helped me erase them, and let me *finally* figure out the best way (i just wrote the best way to spell it??!?!? i meant the *only* way) to spell it. and i have never forgotten how since.

: so i breathe it in :

I.
Last night as i was sleeping
i dreamt--marvelous error!--
that i had a beehive
here, inside my heart.
and the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from all my old failures.
-- antonio machado, from times alone

II.
and the other day, this new friend of mine said something to me:
"just because it starts differently, doesnt mean its worth less."
and i soaked it in! how i soaked it in.
and just to prove how right he was, then you came.
-- peter, bjorn and john, from writers block "objects of my affection."

III.
by this we know love: that He laid down
his life for us, and we ought to lay down our life for
others. little children, do not let us love
in word or talk, but in deed and truth.
God is greater than our hearts.
--1 john 3:16, 18, 20

{an obligatory list.}

because i cant do much else, apparently. at least right now. but something is better than nothing, no? i thought so.

The Not-So-Good:
1. getting stuck in snow for hours!
2. the snow plow (who the nice sheriff deputy called to pull me and dad both out) getting stuck, too.
3. awkward situations
4. having to answer the same questions over and over again
5. feeling like i should be in two places at once.
6. not having enough of a christmas break from work.
7. the still not-knowing-what-im doing- at-work feeling. its not the work, actually. its the job. im bad at having a job like this, i think, if that makes sense.
8. my mother changing types of gum, after shes had the same kind my entire life. i dont do well with change, you know.
9. still not being done moving! geh.
10. icy car windows in the morning.
11. unpleasant conversations
12. not having quite enough time for everything
13. peyton, the fish, dying.



The Good:
1. chips / salsa. and waffles. and christmas cookies. and fabulous $2 frozen chinese food
2. metaphors that arent actually metaphors at all (just the real thing, said somehow else.)
3. fitting things in, easily.
4. wal-mart bags. (so useful.)
5. happy insides of shoes
6. conversation (and hotchocolate. welcome, but not required.)
7. going to tennessee soon. and potentially graceland, too.
8. circle-y connections.
9. chewing gum. (i wouldnt be where i am today without it.)
10. mittens! (and even though i only have gloves right now, i still call them mittens, because
thats way better.)
11. singing christmas music at the childrens home in town. very ghettofabulous-meets-um...not
ghettofabulous.
12. good music in general, actually. and i like songs with whistling / harmonicas.
13. giraffes. and camels.
14. surprises, of all kinds.

(there is so much.)

{eavesdropping.* }

(or: put a goose in your basket and call it a day.)

i think its important to eat foods with their intended instruments, so i always try to eat chinese, etc. with chopsticks, if at all possible. i like it.

there are certainly things in this world that try one's patience.

oh, you know how the only constellations we know are mostly just the dippers and orien (although, maybe you know more, i dont remember?). anyway. i found out that orien's armpit is what beetlejuice is. which is weird. why would you name someones armpit beetlejuice?

and i finally got some gravy last night, from crackerbarrel. it seemed a little on the thin side, but it was certainly better than nothing, which is what i previously had. i have not, however, filled the craving for waffle house.
whenever i think of gravy, i also usually think of this guy named joey, who i worked at perkins with, in jackson. one day, when i first got there, we were talking about how his life was so screwed up right then, and then he said--in the most southern-ish accent ever--"its all gravy, baby." and it was so funny, and sortof a culture shock thing, maybe, cause his accent was so strong (even though southern accents werent new to me at all!) for some reason i always think of that.

and theres a reason why i've been busy---work. i have 4 events in the fall. one has just happened, and one happens this week. i've had to go back to work 3 nights this week, which is gross, but i have a million things to do! and i feel like im forgetting things like crazy. so, i made myself a massive to-do list and put some pictures on it, so i like to look at it, and i also made myself a great soundtrack and got myself a cookie and i've been plugging away, at least sortof. who knows how everything is actually doing. not me!
so, if you have any good music suggestions for fall soundtrack #2, let me know. i was pleased with the first soundtrack, and i have been listening to it. having a great soundtrack for life makes a difference!
ive been going to bed later than i was trying to before and so im tired too.
i have missed this feeling. i miss being up at two in the morning talking to people at a damp-from-dew picnic table. i miss sleeping in random places and carrying my alarm clock and toothbrush with me to the DMS lab. i miss the DMS lab. it was so inspiring. i mostly miss the feeling that i am learning things that are important--and then that i can do something with the things that i have learned. actually, not true. the thing i miss the most is eating whatever i want and not gaining a pound ;)

i am using a different computer than normal and the keys are so nice and clicky. (i need a laptop. but i decided to not get one until i paid off my last credit card. almost there!)

i like being busy, but i think i feel static in lots of other ways.
also, this week, i met someone who's parents died in the genocide in rowanda, and a guy i went to highschool with was at the mission and also, someone a year younger than me from church was at the mission too. i did not know what to say to these things. they made me feel really lame. and sad. and it breaks my heart to see guys my age at the mission. they shouldnt be there, you know? 23 year olds havent had time to mess up their lives yet--its mostly still just plain stupidity still.
maybe thats what i meant when i said that i dont feel like myself sometimes here. i havent written hardly at all (i just cant do it!) and i dont feel like im learning things (except i know i am.) and i dont feel like i have the chance anymore to do something important. i would like to do something important. and im not sure that im quite so funny anymore. and im not sure i was terribly funny to begin with, except sometimes when i write, but i dont even do that anymore, so thats out! bleh!
and sometimes, i feel like boring-ness and staticity is encouraged by people here (if not directly, then by their lifestyles) and that is a tragedy. one of many in the world, i know. people here are okay with being bored. i cant remember the last time i was bored! my mother never let us, and there is certainly too much to do in the world to ever think about being bored. this is a pet peeve of mine, for sure.

also, we went to the nickel creek concert on sunday (two sundays ago, now), or rather sat outside of it (it was an outdoor concert) and my sister and i werent rich enough to pay for both of us to get in, so we sat outside the fence with some nice old people and some other hippie people and this guy that worked there? i guess? started yelling at us before the concert started about how we werent true art supporters and stuff. and then later he threatened us with security, then he brought them (even though he couldnt kick us out, cause we were on public property.) but we moved back a ways, and were just fine, but the hippie people argued and argued with the both of them about it, and it was pretty funny.) but it was really a wonderful concert with all the random mix of people that you find at and around those things.


its important to like cheese when you go to europe because that is what they eat there! all the time, for breakfast and things. also, baked beans sometimes, i heard. imagine the queen eating baked beans for breakfast! thats an amusing thought. well, of course, the queen is amusing either way you go. my favorite story though, is king henry the VIII. my best friend growing up was two years older than i was and was a fantastic reader. like checking 38 books out of the library at a time fantastic. and then reading them all.
anyway, i would make her tell me the story of king henry the viii over and over because she had all the wives memorized and knew all the juicy details about them. i love that--a good story with just the right details that you can listen to over and over. also, i love the steadfast tin soldier--thats more of a fairytale, but it isnt really. you should read it, if you havent. or wait till i see you, and ill read it to you. then you can read me something. there is something so wonderful about being read to. do you remember when you were old enough to read, but still young enough to be read to on a regular basis (did your mom read to you? did you like it?) and i would try to read over moms shoulder and read ahead! but then you would get stuck when it came to the end of the page.
seems like a metaphor for something.
do you have a favorite?
it would be really weird, but cool, to live underwater. one major memory of mine from early on in life was going to san antonio with my sister and parents (by the way, you and your sister were adorable when you were little. i have no pictures online for you to see of my sisters, but sometime ill show you.) anyway, we went to seaworld and the alamo, etc. but we also went to this one place where we went down in a submarine, and there were mermaids and this swimming, dancing pig. it was so crazy! and it made an impression on me, i can tell you.

and today, i saw a man riding a bike with a painted goose sitting on the front of his bike, like in the basket. why did he have that goose? why did he paint it? where was he going? oh! and you'll never guess this one: i saw the bicycle-goose-man again! it wasnt just a one time thing. and it was raining, and he was riding around anyway, and holding an umbrella at the same time. and i learned that the goose is actually just white--not painted at all--but instead is dressed in capes, tied around his neck! that is crazy. it was a different cape this time. something striped, i believe.
things like that make a difference in life. and i dont know about you, but i need that.


* courtesy of various emails written to people

Posted 9/2/2007 1:15 AM

{ this post is to my library books as my library books are to my smudgy heart}

which means, of course, that its far overdue, which is the problem i always have with library books. this is because i love the library so much, and everytime i go i find a million books that i want so i check them out, and then, of course, i dont have enough time to read them, and i hate to give things back that i havent read yet. so then they are overdue and thats a problem. however, funnily enough, my notebook has been getting quite a bit of use lately, which is good and bad. i desperately need a laptop (mac or pc?!?!). i just cant write here otherwise, i think. i cant explain it, its psycological, i guess. but a lot of people here do not understand about my notebook. that is a big difference between here and college.

however, i lately had one night that was very miserable, and, therefore, i scribbled about 6 pages worth of notes for a book someday. i think it might be a good idea. maybe.

i got perhaps the worst haircut in my life the other day. i mean, it looks okay, but im not really sure its actually straight. or what i asked for when i went in. its always risky getting your haircut. i was thinking about it, and its really funny, because this sort of haircut is something that happens when i just cant stand it anymore, and i just have to get my haircut and then something happens, and you just feel better, because if everything else is out of your control, d***it, and there is nothing you can possibly do about it, but you can get your haircut, and so you will. but i realized this time that actually, you cant control this either, because you arent holding the sissors. and that is a big part of controlling the haircut. that is a slightly startling realization.

but it was almost worth it because the lady i was talking to was a little halirious. she told me all this crazy stuff and some funny stories and she kept saying "oh my lordy, God help us." and if she wasnt doing something or other with my hair i think she would have done the catholic cross thing (genuflect? i forget what its called.) because she was and old mexican lady who immigrated here 30 years ago. she had good stories. and she cared for people.

i want to do that.
but i wonder if it is a good idea or not, sometimes. friends seem fluid, and i apparently, am not good at it, really. which is funny because it never seemed hard for me. but neither did a lot of things, so i dont guess thats a really good way to judge. i do want, and need, friends, though. also, it is hard to think about real things here, sometimes, because so much time is taken up with normal living things: cleaning, deciding about dinner, dusting, etc. that is another difference between here and college. everything seemed bigger and more important there, and i didnt have to spend much time with various sundry details because there wasnt that much room for them. dusting, for instance, took half an instant for the whole dorm, if it was even necessary--no surface was hardly still long enough to merit the need for it.
however, here i work at the rescue mission. i know a guy who was beat up in the ghetto, and there was a lady who died because a cinder block was dropped on her head while she was driving and another guy whose car was stolen. and we are learning about the sermon on the mount at church (you should listen too.) and i dont know. its harder to care here, maybe, but with more opportunities. which is ironic.
but everything is something to offer, even in this discouraging, lonely, scary, hopeful, and mysterious old world.

things are not necessarily good over here, you know. dumb things are hard, and i have a hard time with them. but things are not bad, either. i often think that things that should not be happening to me are (not strictly circumstancial, though, because we must learn to rejoice in them and through them); and that things that should be happening to me or seem to always be happening to someone else, do not happen to me regularly at all, or even infrequently, or never. is this a problem? maybe this is why ive been on an eighties movie kick lately. which has put me in the mood for 80s music. any suggestions for good stuff?
also, i have lots of mosquito bites, for some reason. and it is hard to walk in the rain and eat chicken nuggets and smile at people.

smiling at people is newly, or perhaps more renew-ed-ly important. this is something that a dog is good for. i have been trying to walk the dog. this is important to me because 1) i feel like im getting fatter since ive been home, which is probably only half a smidgin true, but it feels like more, so i should exercise and 2) its nice outsitde most nights and 3) because it is nice to say hello to people. ti do try to do that when i walk. it is good. and it is a way to be friends, fluidly, and that is how it should be, so you dont feel sad--rather, you feel just the opposite. i have made lots of random friends this way. once, when i was shopping, i encountered a former kindergardener named sophie and we had a very nice lengthy conversation. and we were best friends for 10 minutes and she gave me a hug when she left and that was just how it should be.

it was also good because it distracted me from my growing irritation with shopping. it used to be that i got irritated because nothing was modest, or it didnt fit right. and these things are still true. but it is rather rapidly being replaced by two things: first, i hate having to look at each piece of clothing and stand there and decide whether the article of clothing is a dress or a skirt, or a shirt. half of this stuff is virtually indistinguishable. and that is irritating. it lengthens time time required for any shopping trip by a lot cause you have to stand there and decide about everything. grrrr. the other irritation is that i am not pregnant (insofar as i can tell. theres always that nagging worry, per the x-ray complications, and the internet research with the two-times-ago roommates.) nor do i have any desire to look pregnant. and 3/4 of the clothing available is also suitable for maternity wear. its a little insane. oh, if only i was pregnant right now, i would be all set. im tempted to stock up anyway for when i am pregnant, because im sure by then, that only skinny styles will be in fashion, and i will be doomed to wear old lady pregnant clothes. maybe then i will look like im from the 80s. how exciting.

anyway, last time i was walking puppy, i let her run around in this great field, which was still smelling damp and freshly cut and clovery. there is nothing i like so well, unless you add the fireflies and what do you know, there were fireflies. and life was good, even though. and the whole thing was entirely too poetical to put into an actual poem, so i will write it in prose, but it was lovely. a few moments before i started walking, someone told me to be sure and look at the sun (what a remarkable thing! i usually tell people to look at the moon) because it was setting very prettily. so i looked as i was walking,but i could never see it. as i was leaving the field and there was a bright light through the trees and i thought that it must be the sunset. turned out, it was a street light.
i was certainly glad it wasnt the sun.

we really do have smudgy hearts, dont we?

Posted 7/18/2007 9:50 AM