{{ on being [right here, and now, and just like this] }}

"I am feeling like a slice of bread, snow-white,tasteless (99 cent loaf) on the lowestshelf in the florescent lit grocery store isle,wanting to be homemade, hand-kneaded,fresh (from the oven). hard shell, softcenter, grain-imbedded. Gritty and real.I couldn’t be farther from home."

"home is the place where you can finally be,"and its the place where you do your laundry, in this case, i think that doing the actual beingis somthing like taking that laundry straight from the dryer, and turning on some really good music and lying on the floor and covering yourselfall over with the laundry. sometimes, the buttons from the blue jeans burn, and somtimes its too hot,but mostly you just let the warmness spread all over you.

"the problem is acceptance, which is something we're taught not to do. we're taught to improve uncomfortable situations, to change things, alleviate unpleasant feelings. but if you accept the reality that you have been given--that you are not in a productive creative period--you free yourself to begin filling up again. ...get one page of anything written. three hundred words of memories or dreams or stream of consciousness on how much they hate writing--just for the hell of it, just to keep their fingers from becoming too arthritic, just because they have made a commitment to try and write three hundred words every day. then, on bad days and weeks, let things go at that."

"who am i? am i only what others say about me?or only what i know of myself--weak, timid, unloving?whoever i am, you know me, o God. i am yours....when one lives completely, one learns to have faith,to live unreservedly in all of ourduties, successes, failures, problems and joys, suffering;in all things, throw yourself into the mercy of God."

there is only one safe place.
and that place is not safe, in the strictest sense of the word.
............................................................

[if i could change me all around, i would. i think. at least some things, anyway.]and also: i think i might graduate after all. thats scary. but what on earth am i going to do afterward? for goodness sake, i am an english major. for even more goodness sake, i am a writing emphasis. do you want to know the number of jobs you can get with that major? about 1.3. im pretty sure im scared. [but its ok: my roommate and i are going to have a "college-hates-me" party, and my other frienddear are going to have a "lets-apply-to-gradschool" party and a "lets-research-gross-things-and-write-pretty-things" party. and after that, we will all have a -breathebreathebreathe-chocolatechocolatechocolate-dancedancedance party. and it will be happy.] when i first got my replacement shoes for my favorite-est shoes ever, i was really excited, but after i wore them, i was exceedingly unhappy because they hurt my toes and then also they gave me a blister on my left heel. i was so sad because these shoes were supposed to be all kinds of wonderful. but i just kept wearing them, and pretty soon [what do you know] they became comfortable. now i love them, and they are great. and also: i got to watch the breaking-in process. usually i dont really notice that, but this time i did, and sometimes i feel like that myself.i want to get my hair cut. but only just mostly. and i dont trust people here in jackson to cut my hair. last time i did, mostlybad things happened [i think they cut hair like they drive]. anywhere else, im ok with. if i was ok with people cutting my hair in this town my hair would be shorter right now.and also, today, i bought two pairs of shoes [for $25], and i had scrambled eggs and cinnamon toast for dinner. and 2 glasses of milk. goodness, im so...predictable. and i reallyreally am a traditional, if not sentimental [horror of horrors.] person. [ not to mention talkintoable, and talkoutofable, and talkative.]lately, it seems like all my life decisions are made by consulting mr. mitt. our room aquired our darling mr. mitt on a well-timed trip to arby's and it was even an accident, because i didnt order a kids meal, but they thought i did, so i got him and i wasnt even expecting it. this means it must be destiny. anyway, he is this happy little oven mitt that answers all your questions. "should i do my homework?" if youre feeling lucky. "should i eat a sandwich or waffles for dinner?" ask again later. "will someone in our room [or, all 4 of us] marry the hottest boy[s] we've ever seen?" yes, yes, yes! "should i wear this pink shirt today?" no. "will i be a good writer when i grow up?" definately. see? its really a very handy thing to have around. [way better than those dumb 8balls. who even believes those things? but this[!]--yes. one look at mr. mitt's happy little face and i believe it.] and they are very useful when you are feeling particularly undescisive. and this happens, let me tell you. and also when you just want some reassurance. [i should just go with my gut more often, i bet. but thats hard.] and thats nice to have reassurance anway.and it seems cliche of me to say at this moment, but i think i might finally be getting comfortable with me in my own skin. not every day, or every minute, but sometimes, like once every 10 minutes. and sometimes even every 5 minutes or so. and thats good enough for right now [i think].
Posted 11/10/2005 8:50 PM