handbags, etc.

::: my closet: clothes, shoes, a laundry basket, towels, hangers, various handbags from different phases in my stylistic development. [if you dont find any shoes when you are shoe shopping, the next best thing is to buy a handbag. also, i particularly like the sound of the word 'handbag.' it has a much nicer ring than purse. the contents of a purse is very uninvintive and dull: keys, wallet, checkbook, receipts, powder, lipstick, 35 cents for the payphone. but--goodness knows what is inside a handbag. it may be anything. and by anything, i really do mean anything. its totally surprising every single time you open that particular handbag up. in short: handbags are sexy.] :::

i have several points to make here :
--some things really just make me want to cuss. and i am not sure that i have decided that cussing is ever really justified [for one thing, how shall i write or anything if i dont know more words to express things than cuss words. plus also, it really isnt very ladylike.] so im not sure if...yeah...i dont know.
--i am having a half-mostly-imagined fling with a verysexy man. this is currently the most perfectest thing in my life. this is sad.
--working through the definition of 'woman' in my head. what all does being a woman [of the sort of woman that i actually want to be] entail. more on this later. im not sure, but i think this has to do with cussing. im not sure exactly how, but if i tried to explain exactly what i the working theory is, i would get myself dug into a hole pretty much as fast as holes can be dug.
--i tried to buy a single apple at walmart the other day, because i could and because there is only one of me and they wouldnt let me because the employees didnt know how to ring up just one apple. grocery shopping for one person is a hard and difficult task and perhaps one of the more depressing tasks of any given week. this is most likely why i have been putting it off since february.
--i love laughing for real. i dislike strongly laughing when its not for real. and i dislike strongly how everything i want to do is supermuch harder than the things i dont want to do. also, i want to know if i should bother to do things that may or may not be beneficial later, but arent necessarily beneficial at this exact moment. and-- i hate how i recognize my own flaws so well. moreover, have i mentioned lately how i am desprately afraid of failure?

i have other points, i do. not sure what they are anymore, but they will come. i have said it once and i can say it again: there is no rush in redemption, life, saying things, or anything, really. [and maybe forgiveness is right where i fell?]

and i think buying a new handbag would do me good.
:im positivelysure i dont know what im getting myself into.
but apparently there is a certain beauty in breakdown, and
in the surprise at the end. so cry no more for what once was,
because things are still continuing to be. additionally, i am
still continuing to be; and i want to be more.
so, i shall, uh, 'embrace the suckiness.'
[ and dont get your clothes at the toilet store [?]]

Posted 3/6/2005 6:54 PM