juliebugg

leap year.

2011-03-04T22:21:00.007-06:00

well. here goes.
i have one semi-writer acquaintance who says that her head just goes crazy when she doesnt write, or somesuch. maybe thats the trouble with me lately. i think i have had a lot of extra words lately, and maybe my poor husband would appreciate not being the one who gets to hear ALL of them. and generally when he's just about ready to go to sleep. our schedules are a little off, apparently.

__________ ridiculously enough, paragraphs below are actually inspired by the movie "leap year" which im currently watching with some of the aforementioned favorite people. and yep, leap year is actually quite a romantic day and wonderful, i think. the movie? "not quite so damn romantic." but not terrible, either. ____________

boy, last night when i felt like blogging i had a bunch of things all planned out that ought to be said! but of course, now i can't think of them. look what a measly 20 hours does to me.
tonight i was sitting with some of my people that i love and we were having such a nice time. more than one of them could testify about my talking in my sleep; isnt that strange. i wonder if rosie will inherit that. its so funny the things that i am passing onto/teaching rosie already, and i feel like its super pressurey. i also can't believe the things/how much that she is learning already; in the last several weeks shes started to saying all kinds of things, and its so great. her little voice is so cute. loooooveeee.

also, we bought a house, did i tell you that? we bought it for, like, ever ago. or at least nine months ago. it was a short sale and it needed a decent little bit of work. jed has already accomplished the biggest piece of it: putting in heat, which has been so nice all winter--we have radiators and then you get cold enough, you just go sit right on top of one of them. or put your towel on top of it when youre in the shower. thats happy. i have a to-do list a mile long for the house still, and so does jed, but, unfortunately, they are a little different. also unfortunately, his probably really are more important to get to first. jed has a good head on his shoulders. which he would forget if it werent attached. but attached it is, so we're in good shape.

this is hard. i am terrible at cultivating habits, did you know? madison (whose idea this was) just told me...um...i forgot. oh. remembered. she just told me that i need to reintroduce the 300 words a day habit. but how caaannnn iiii?

oh, i remembered somethign i did this week. i sewed some pillows. that was kindof new-ish, but they turned out. also, i'm crocheting a stash-buster, retrofabulous nice big afghan. its coming along kindof slowly, (my fingers are out of shape, apparently) but i think it'll be awesome when its done, and im kindof motovated to finish, actually, unlike most of my projects. usually im just a good starter.

one time, i went sqare dancing, did i tell you? it was my FAVORITE. EVER. i loved it so much! it was so fun, and such good exercise. and i want to do it everyday. alas. thats just not exactly practical. why does practicality win so often? that is one of the major problems in life.

here is the verse i am trying to memorize right now. because i think that actually, if i don't get a little non-practical in my life, i can actually get quite dispaired. and dreary, daily, everyday-ness is amazingly wearing on ones soul, no? we were talking tonight about whose job is hardest (teaching, student-ing, mothering, desk-ing, being a (sweet) baby). its all so draining. and we have to work so hard for each little bit of intimancy, communion, delight (although, now, with rosie, delight comes a little more easily). my verse of late says "i would have dispaired if i did not believe i would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." and while i've been studying isaiah, there are many promises of fresh-ness, new joy, streams of water in the desert. i am ready for that. how to get it, im less sure. such a conundrum. is conundrum the right word? i can't keep track of things like that. moreover, i seriously think i'm kindof loosing my grasp on the english language. a ton of times now, im talking to jed and im like "blahblah...you know that one thing...its like tall, and it has leaves and stuff...what is that?..." and hes like "a tree?" and i'm like oh yeah! a tree! its weird.

i wonder if that will go away sometime, like if i ever get more sleep sometime?
i wonder if i will feel a little less crazy now? maybe feeling crazy is a good thing? not sure. today, also, i watched a funny youtube tutorial about how to disco. i think they left out some parts, not sure-not a disco expert-, but its way harder than i thought. it was crazy.

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thats what i really think about that.

name: julie date: 9-12-1991

2010-08-28T00:29:00.005-05:00

because the windows are open. and im eating cookies and cream icecream. and my mother is making me. and because i was seven when i wrote this. spelling is original, folks.

~

these things make me feel happy inside:
1. that me and momie got to go to the GA retret.
2. that i have frireds.
3. i'm glad my dad lets me let me use his tiperiter without gitting yelded at.
4.I'm glad I have peres (parents)
5. I have friends. (if this is friends, then what is #2?)
6. I have a tecer. (teacher)
7. Go to silver doller (city?)
8.Go on wed-day to GA's
9. I'm happy I have toys
10. riding book like taky the ping wend (no idea. seriously.)
11. Doing art work.
12. I'm glad thers never been a tornato
13. I'm glad i have a sister.
14. I'm glad on wendasy i don't have to go into the nursy on wendsday.
15. We have satrday and sunday off.

im surprised there was no mention of books, besides that weird number 10.

i keep this list in a book. but thought i should post it, in case the book ever gets lost. its h.e. ray's star book. he is the one that wrote curious george. he is well rounded.

i wonder if i will write more on here? i ought to, i know that. there are things to remember, if not things to say.

my parents left me a note on the back--apparently i also made a very attractive watermelon something. and i told them just where to sit whenever they got to my class (for parent-teacher night? open house?). and they love me anyway.
probably i'll have to write again so that i can make a list of things that make me happy now. for the sake of balance.

isnt it funny to find things about your little self? and then get to wonder all night long if little me is still at home in the current me, and if i can still find 15+ things that i'm so happy about i don't care how i spell (i was, i think, actually a pretty decent speller, but maybe that wasnt till later?)--and i think the only reason i stopped was because i was out of lines on the page.

my mother is making me do this.

2009-05-04T22:33:00.005-05:00

I.
the icecream truck dilemna

this is a nearly life-long dilemna. i want the icecream, but either 1) my parents wouldnt let us have icecream before or during supper when he drove by, or 2) now i am simply not up for chasing an icecream truck.
so the question becomes: who the heck DOES buy the icecream from the truck? how are those things really still in operation?? i mean, im glad they are, as they are a charming part of american society, which is so lacking in a million other things, but seriously. also, we were sitting on the porch tonight with my newly painted chairs (and so now my hands and feet are still semi-spraypainted blue.) and the icecream man drove by, and he was SO CREEPY. if i had been contemplating icecream, i would have changed my mind. and that is not to say that there are not icecream who are nice. im sure. but still.

II.
things i would rather be doing right now than writing this:

1. crocheting
2. reading agatha christie.
3. eating icecream
4. exercising (hrm.)
5. sleeping
6. watching seinfeld.
7. or a movie.
8. baking banananut bread.
9. or cookies.
10. roller skating
11. driving across the country
12. painting my nails.
13. vacuuming
14. browsing for interesting houses
15. laundry
16. getting a massage.

the end.

III.
we are having a baby.

IV.
observations on marriage, now that ive done it a little while:

1. when they get sick, you probably will. this is kindof a depressing realization, since before you could go sleep at grandmothers or something. now, you dont go anywhere. you are the take-care-of-er. i imagine this will be worse when the baby does come, because jed is at least a good sick guy, and hes been thankful i havent been since pregnant. (knock on wood.)
2. when they leave, or you leave, its weird without them. but sometimes, youre (secretly) glad, but only for about 5 minutes, because after that, you miss them like crap. and its gladder when they come home anyway.
3. huh. i cant remember what the rest are.
4. if i remember, i might edit them back in later. otherwise, they shall be in another post, i guess.

V.
my mom is making me do this because at BSF they said that writers should write to encourage others about God, and life and such, and mom said i didnt write at all ,why not, and i should. and i said it was because i wasnt a writer, but she said i wasnt nurturing it, and i said well, if i was a real writer, then it should just come out, right? i dont know. what do you think?

(huh. that was more than the required 4 sentences.)

{ what i remember }

2008-10-17T22:50:00.001-05:00

1.
how sooo early we had to wake up, and how excited we all were. even though i was so tired!
2.
Getting hair done. i was still making a list of things i had forgotten, and the hair people were so
funny, and we had a delicious breakfast (our friend brought it to us.) I was done super quick. This is where i saw jed first--he stopped by to get some breakfast too. Daddy was out to buy
some shoes at walmart (he forgot to get some otherwise) for breakfast too, and then went to put bows on the trees. I let emily go to walmart too, to buy some other stuff. (there were sooo many people who helped me! it was so nice.)
3.
I went to church to get ready! we had to hurry. first thing, i opened all the blinds in the auditorium. It was morning time and i wanted the light to come in! I saw jed again, and made him take his coat off so i wouldnt see him all dressed up either. he told me the three things he was going to remember, (if nothing else--he ended up remembering more after all.) plus, We just had a lovely few moments together.
4.
So many people back where i was getting ready, and it was crazy. Someone made them all leave so i could get dressed with mom and my sister, and then they came back and we all prayed, which was sweet. Then Dad came back to see me, and then we almost cried, but didnt quite, and then we took just a few pictures, and then it was time to go!
5.
I LOVED my flowers. they were fun, and romantic and classic and perfect. they fit in wonderfully.
6.
I had a few minutes all to myself while everyone else was busy walking in and i couldnt be seen yet. I watched the flower girls and ring bearers for a few minutes (so they wouldnt be loud--and they were so cute). i tried to listen to the music (it was beautiful, but darn the semi-soundproof doors) and tried to make sure that i really wanted to get married, and i guess i did. i was actually pretty calm by then, and the whole day. i was really deep-down happy. granted, i was a NERVOUS WRECK for a few weeks previous. but that day, i got over it.
7.
dad came to get me, and i had to get out a little door, and not get my train caught. before the door slammed. Daddy told me a funny story before we walked in (all crying was done the night before, we were pitiful.). We didnt cry the whole time! or, if they did, i didnt know about it, and i was glad, because i wanted a happy wedding!
8.
I couldnt see jed at first. but when i finally could, i couldnt believe the way he was looking at me.
9.
The music was absolutely beautiful. --during the ceremony it was all live. and it was seriously PERFECT. i walked down to this.
even hearing it now makes me catch my breath a little, especially at the end.
10.
i just felt that everyone was so nervous--i could feel it, you know? they were nervous for me and especially daddy. and so when i was walking up on stage, i tripped and couldnt help but laugh out loud. everyone laughed with me, and it was much better! everyone could breathe again.
11.
The sermon was perfect. It was literary and memorable and fit jed and i to a tee. gah. i couldnt get over it.
12.
i couldnt decide if we were supposed to sing or not with everyone. a friend suggest that we just talk in such a way to produce "gentle smiles" i think we did half and half, although i dont know if i remember what we said--probably things along the lines of "can you BELIEVE the number of people here?!" because there were probably 400 people at the wedding proper and about 385 at the reception.
13.
We took communion with our parents. I got too big of a piece of bread on accident and had to chew it for quite some time, it felt like.
14.
it was a perfectly sweet kiss.
14.
the pastor said "WHAT GOD HAS JOINED TOGETHER, LET NO MAN TEAR ASUNDER" very well. i always wanted that said in an old-fashioned pastoral booming voice, and he delivered.
15.
We were supposed to walk back down (or up?) the aisle to "How sweet it is to be loved by you." At the rehersal, they played some ridiculous country song about beer and my baby's loving arms. At the wedding, my dad snuck back on stage and they performed a version of how sweet it is LIVE! about halfway down the asile, i came to the realization that it wasnt james taylor singing...it was my...dad?!?!?!!!! i tripped once again trying to see, and trying to show jed and all of that. I'm sure it was halirious. And we went in the hallway, and hugged and squealed and laughed and kissed and then went back to listen more, and i think i cried a little then and laughed and couldnt believe it. it was so sweet, and he (and all the musicians) sounded SO good. i LOVED it. and so did everyone. i had no idea in the slightest.

16.

we had a parade over to the reception place. as dad explained it to everyone: "it was like a funeral, but different!" that meant that we all got in a line, and honked and waved and the like. super fun.

17.

dad had a friend with a 1920s ford that actually ran. jed and i rode in that, but when we went to get in, the groomsmen hadnt put the just married sign on the back yet, so they had to hurry and do that. except it ended up going all the way around the car, except just on the back, and it was kindof halirious. there was no air conditioning in the car, (duh) so it was a toss-up between being cooler, or guarding my hairdo.

18.

the reception was absolutely gorgeous and fun.

there were lots of windows, and lots of light. the food smelled so good (and later, it tasted good.) there were balloons, and cake, and buttons to wear, and little flowers, and happy music. it was, in a word, perfect.

19.

jed and i stood at the door and welcomed/greeted people. i hugged so many people in a row! i couldnt believe some of the people who came from so far away even, and it was so lovely to see so many people whom i loved all at once, and even the doctor who delivered jed. (thats tremont for you). i was dying of heat though, and the line was forever long, and i was so thirsty. finally someone brought me some water, and i was so grateful.

20.

we cut in line (i know!) and got some food. the stuff i had was super good! (eggs, and spicy, cheesy eggs, too. hashbrowns, bacon & sausage, fruit, pastries, french toast-stuff (my favorite), buicuits and gravy. omg.

21.

jed and i had a little table in the middle of everyone. it was up high, and it was hard to get into my chair.

22.

we went the IPOD route for the reception, but i picked all my favorite happy songs. These are the songs i remember hearing: baby, baby (amy grant), strawberry swing (coldplay), all shook up (elvis), glycerine (bush), flowers in the window (travis), and you are my sunshine (bob dylan and johnny cash) and 1234 (feist). but there were more! when you are my sunshine came on, dad was just like "what the heck is this?!" and jed passed all blame onto me. oh well. how can you go wrong with bob & johnny?! i didnt apologize. i still dont. the whole thing was quite happy. except im still not sure where baby, baby came from. alas.

23.

the cake table was like something out of my dreams--all those beautiful cupcakes all lined up! i loved it. and our little cake was so beautiful. apparently my parents and i had very similar looking cakes, but i had no idea when i was designing mine that it looked like theirs! i must have been subconsciously influenced. it was super good cake, and jed, who doesnt even like cake, liked it. we didnt really smash it, except for we still got messy, anyway.

24.

after that, we delievered cupcakes to people (not just us, but the whole bridal party and our parents). that was fun, too.

25.

around this time, a kid (who's name i didnt even know) started following me around (kindof annoyingly, actually, but i didnt know his name so i couldnt even tell him to go away (after asking if he needed something? and even giving him a hug.) he kept following me, and i kept ignoring him, and eventually he stepped on my bustle and it broke. and being such a mess, i had nothing to fix it with, but someone had a big huge safety pin, thankfully. it didnt want to hold well, though, and so for the rest of the day we were fixing it.

26.

we just talked and laughed with people for a while. it seemed so short, and i know i didnt get to talk to everyone i really wanted to (except for in the big long line).

27.

when it was time to leave, jed and i got to walk through a tunnel of streamers, which was great. a little out of pride and prejudice, which isnt bad. we got back in the old car and drove around the parking lot. then we didnt know what to do, so we came back to the last few minutes of the party. we took pictures with our extended families and stuff. and then more with the bridal party somewhere else and then jed and i went to take a few more pictures at this wonderful old house, where i wanted to have the wedding, if about 300 fewer people were coming.

28.

all in all, it was the most beautiful day. it really was. and we just talked about it for the next 48 hours or so, every little thing we remembered, so we wouldnt forget. so far, so good. it was exactly as i thought it ought to have been, and exactly just like us, and exactly perfect. and we are happy.(!)

[ on getting married }

2008-09-27T00:56:00.004-05:00

p.s. i am so blessed. soooooo blessed! and happy! and overwhelmed! i have almost lost my head. but in the best possible way. im getting married so soon and i cant believe it and i should so be asleep right now. alas.

p.s.s. this is for jed, my almost-husband, and my favorite boy forevermore.

i am sure i have witnessed many minor miracles in my time (as if any miracles are minor). God provided so wonderfully as we moved to Peoria, His grace was so evident when we found out daddy had cancer, and I can see many ways in which He has kept me and given me grace which I do not deserve--not the least of which in making me His child through Christ's sufficient work on the cross.
but, if you were to ask me if i have ever witnessed any miracles personally, i would first mention my third-senior semester in college. i was in Nashville for a journalism conference and i found myself flipping out in general from, as i recall, pre-graduation (aka i-have-no-idea-what-i'm-doing-with-my-life!) and from life in general. as i was walking around a corner downtown there, in the middle of downtown Nashville and country music and motorcycles and homeless people and business people and crazy buildings and traffic, i found:
. . . . . a camel.
. . . . . in downtown Nashville.
. . . . . and he had a ring of flowers around his neck.
. . . . . and he had a name: bo the camel.
there were a bunch of priests and page boys were running around in magenta instead of white, and this was all happening in front of this absolutely beautiful episcopalian? [sp?] church, and the animals were going to church: it was the feast of st. francis, so they were there for a blessing. and a whole church service. and that makes sense, i suppose. i always heard that you should never turn down prayers or blessings, where ever you can get them. kindof like hugs or something. but once in a while, you just have to turn down hugs, if its sketchy enough.
i cant explain why this was a terribly important event for me. but it was. it really changed my whole weekend.
perhaps its something like this: the camel on the sidewalk was completely unexpected, and the last thing i ever thought i would see in the middle of Nashville. it was ridiculous and odd and strange. but at the very same time, there was something very right, and sensible and _wonderful_ about it--of _course_ the camel would be going downtown to church! it was the feast of St. Francis after all.

the same is true of the giraffe. the giraffe, according to the article we read together back in the day, is an odd animal--it doesn't fit into the categories they had set up previously for animals to fit in. It isn't like any of the other ones. but it makes us pause, doesn't it?
the article we read asserted that the giraffe reminds us of playfulness & curiosity, beauty & personality. In these things, we see evidences and glimpses of God. Without the grace of God (both general & specific), all the best things in life would cease to exist--we wouldn't be able to take pleasure in a perfect sunset, a great meal shared with our dearest family & friends, or even the smell of freshly mowed grass, the lights at Christmas or {insert favorite thing here}. The giraffe is just one more reminder to add to those echoed throughout all of everywhere--there is a great Savior, and his love is marvelous, rich and free.

It is a small wonder, i think, that anyone ever gets manages to get married. everyone is so quirky and strange, not to mention self-centered, sinful, and not at all prone to forgiveness, kindness, respect or anything else that makes up true love (in any form). for anyone to be able to love is an extremely remarkable occurance, and we know that its only possible because God first loved us. As we love each other (in a marriage relationship or otherwise), we are also able to get a clearer picture of God and his lovingcare for us, and our right response of our submission to him and reverence for him.

[ for the ENGINEERS:
if A=giraffes, and B=God and C=marriage, then A=B, and B=C, then A=C. right? ]

I suppose that love is like Bo the camel & the giraffes (who don't have names. but if one was to name a giraffe, what would it be? George?) I was certainly surprised to learn that i was, quite possibly, in love and wanted to get married--and even more surprised to learn that my thoughts on the subject actually coincided with someone else's thoughts about me--and it was the same person! (you know how hard that is to do? usually you decide you want to marry someone right about the time they decide they are madly in love with someone _else_).
(imagine my bigger surprise, and subsequent freak out when i found out what the technical name for the giraffe is: giraffia camelopardis. possibly my two most profound miracles are already connected, by some accident of science, or whatnot. i know, right? its almost like it was meant to be, and this scientific, hard-to-pronounce name was the sign. except we don't believe in signs.

So, going to the zoo and seeing the giraffes (and camels, although, sad to say, they do not come with flower chains around their necks in the wild), will always remind us of these great mysteries. And sitting on our ghetto porch, learning how to cook together (right, we have no idea how), taking walks, reading & studying together, having a family, and sharing all these moments with each other, and everyone else we love best, and so on and so forth from now and till forevermore (relatively speaking)--we will have all of these, Lord-willing. And we will have love, "tru wuv," as the impressive clergyman in princess bride says. All of these will be our miracles. And all of these things will remain, in some form or fashion, and the greatest of these is always love.

[on being engaged.]

2008-09-06T00:07:00.000-05:00

well, hello.
its been too long since i have last talked to you all, and perhaps too long until i have time to do so again. nothing seems to wait around for me to have time to catch up with it. i shall try to

I. first things first
i am getting married (!). i have suspected such for a little while now, at least since two february-s (ies?) ago, and i have suspected to whom since about this march; and still i was surprised. funny how that works.

II. the bling
and i am surprised at the ring, too. its nothing like i would have probably picked out for myself, but i really love it even though ((like some other things, come to think of it) (--the boy did good. it even fit.)) i gave him only two pieces of advice on the matter, a long time ago: 1) it had better be gold and 2) i didnt want it to be so high or whatever that it caught on everything. he accomplished those two things, and then some. plus! it sparkles so much. yay.
i was talking to an eight-year-old and a six-year-old earlier today, and they were asking me why one gets the pretty ring when you get engaged, and the uglier one when you get married, because isnt getting married more important? no one who was around really had much of an answer. i dont really know myself, but i suppose its a valid question.
picking out the wedding band was much harder. i think i have found one that i like, and jed likes though, but its so hard to pick things that youre going to have to live with for the rest of your life! i am always second-guessing myself.

III. the story
here is a link to the engagement story and pictures, just in case you missed it on facebook, etc. jed seems to have a lingering wish it would have turned out a smidgin differently, but i think it was perfect, so dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

IV. what happened next.
we were so happy afterward. and i dont know when i have ever smiled so much to date. even the next day, when i was telling the story 34250678 times, i was so happy, and even jed was happy. but then it rather quickly lost its appeal, for the simple reason that wedding planning is no fun. it should be, i know. and it shouldnt be complicated, i also know, especially because i have known about what i have wanted since about 2 years ago when i started working at wedding banquets as a server, and then since now i plan a major banquet for a living. but its much harder when you're 1) spending your own money and 2) there are people you actually care about involved. that makes everything harder. and its not like i want something with icescuptures and doves and glass slippers. i just want something happy and easy and great. you would think that would be easier to come by, but alas. its not in the cards for us. (eventually, it might get there, but not anytime soon.) its hard, and i really hate making people unhappy. i did not expect this,
just as i have not expected most things that have happened in the past year or so.

V. The dress
i fell in love with a dress on the first day i went major dress shopping. (the times i went before hand, the people i talked to were just so ignorant. i knew more about wedding dresses than some of them. how is that possible?) Anyway, i could zip up this dress, but not breathe in it. no good. and i couldnt order it, because it takes a million years to get a wedding dress, apparently. so i searched at every other place possible and there was nothing. so i went back to the first place to mourn my loss, and see if there was anything i missed. 20 minutes before they closed they asked if they had shown me the discontinued dresses (they hadnt.) i found one super cheap that was perfect and bought it on the spot. hurray.

VI. the guestlist.
you see, we had some problems. we know EVERYBODY. and everybody we dont know, jed is related to. we couldnt not invite mostly everyone (we spent much time trying), sowe gave up and found the best possible way to invite everyone. because we couldnt not invite them. (how is it that so many people like us? thats a little ridiculous. wonderful, (it is admittedly a very good problem, and we are blessed, but still. its ridiculous.) and: they're mostly all coming. you may come, also, if you want.

it was the most traumatic thing EVER to find places for this whole thing to take place. i tell you what.

VII. the plan:
Saturday morning wedding & brunch reception. we like brunch, but it is terribly ironic because i am quite far from a morning person. we'll see how this goes. they keep telling me that i wont have any trouble waking up (in fact, ill have trouble sleeping for once) but i remain unconvinced.

the pictures will be after the whole thing. the family will have to suck it up and stick around if they want pictures. well, i suppose nonfamily could stick around too, if they want pictures.

hopefully this wedding will be a conglomeration of the things that we like best about weddings, and we'll leave out mostly everything we dislike. for an exhaustive list, email, or perhaps jed and i will write a few posts together on the subject, as this summer we have been practically professional wedding attenders, and jed has the usher thing down pat.

we will also have balloons. and windows, and cupcakes and the most delicious chocolates.

VII. the cake!
jed and i have a little cake for us to eat, and its so cute. more importantly, its the most delicious white cake/buttercream frosting with APRICOT filling. so, so delicious. i dont even like apricots that much, (only the thought of them). we will have white/apricot cupcakes and chocolate with cream in the middle ones for everyone, and they will all have a cherry on top. the lady at the cake store asked me what was up with the cherry, which i think is a silly question, because all the best, most perfect-looking cupcakes have a cherry on top. sheesh.

VIII. a non-wedding related moment

from summer:
apparently life is not all bad, especially in summertime. for example, i have recently discovered something that almost makes me want to stay in the country for a 100 more summers: fireflies!
i used to think that fireflies were these elusive little bugs, just 2 or 5 of them by your flowerbeds around the house in the evening, or by the tree, and they were a little teensy bit hard to catch. because there just werent very many and all that. well, this is not the case in the country--whole fields are aglow with them, and it is truly a beautifully breathtaking sight.
work: bleh. bleh,bleh.
everything: i dont feel like i have enough time for all of this! i want to enjoy this, and sink it all in, but goodness. ive been running around like a chicken.
and this is all too hard.
name: i will miss my old name very much. i think it will be very hard to stop being julie ----- and change all around to julie _____. i am much more like a ------- than i am a _____. but i have recieved reassurances that the new name is a good name, and it sounds all right and all of that, so perhaps, in time, it will be alright. but awfully weird at first. i like my name, and i have always thought that my parents did such a nice job of naming me.
hopefully: after the wedding, we can get everything nice and organized (i havent started going through the gifts and things at all (trying to get the last 12 thank you notes from showers done first, so i can make sure i have everything accounted for!), and we can eat healthier for once, and have time to read some. also, i would like to be writing more than i have had a chance to. i found an old poem when i was cleaning out stuff, and i read it again: it wasnt half bad, surprisingly. (maybe it was, but i still liked it.) and just having time to hang out together. we have been soooo busy!

IX.
still, i am so glad for everything:
church, house, job (kindof). sleeping with open windows again, and peach pie, and so on and so forth.
so many people. and especially my family.
and im glad i get to marry jed.
even if it is weird to think about.
the end, (just for tonight.)

in another life---

2008-03-29T14:31:00.008-05:00

I am coming to a problem point in the life of my phone. you see, i am running out of room for voicemails.
did you see that story about the old man who is suing the phone company because they accidently lost his voicemails when he got an new phone or something? He had saved on there his wife's recorded greeting and perhaps a message from her. She had passed away a year ago or something and he played the messages everyday, maybe multiple times in order to hear her voice again. he loved her. he missed her. it reminded him of her.
and then the phone company went off and erased it. hes unhappy. understandably so, perhaps. hopefully, they said they could retrieve it and put it onto a cassette or cd for him. that would be a better option, anyway. he could probably skip the suing if he got that.
it might need to be something i look into. my voicemail is quickly filling up. and its because i have to save all these messages from ever ago--but i need them. they remind me of so many things--the sound of your voice. what i thought about when such-and-such happened. how things were back then. how things are now, and that really, its not even almost all bad. And some of the messages just flat out make me so happy, or even make me absolutely giggle.
so i cant erase them, you see. but i cant exactly continue at the rate im going. does anyone know a way around this?

Also, i am coming to a problem point in my career, perhaps. about a week ago, i was in the shower (where most of the best thoughts inveribly come to you--when you have no place to write them down. do they make shower-wall-pens-that-dont-wash-out-till-later?) and i decided that my current job wasnt working for me (actually, i had been pondering that for a while.) but the meetings, the regimented schedule, the dress code, the enormous responsibility. these are not words that really fit in with my way of life, you know?? i decided that the thing i really want to be is a nurse.
not kidding.
the reasons for this are many-fold.
1. awesome dress code.
2. i would get to talk to all kinds of amazing people. and hear their stories.
3. desks wouldnt be a part of my life. neither would the kinds of meetings i usually get in on here.
4. i am great in emergencies. great.
5. ever since i learned about cells, i've had a total thing for medicine. i am a sucker for cells, you see.
6. good benefits/pay
7. flexible schedule. i dont even think i mind the night thing, and plus, i would only have to work like 3-4 days a week. awesome.
8. nurses are always needed.
9. there is plenty of scope for the imagination. i think heather and renee actually subplanted this thought in my head with their recent anne of green gables marathon, even though i, unfortunately, couldnt be present. plus, also, ive been reading emily of new moon lately. thats close enough. the whole "soothing fever brows, and a rich patient carrying you off with him to the mediterranian" is drastically appealing. im done with cold.
10.my mother and grandmother were also nurses. i wouldnt want to quit the family tradition.
11. plus, i would just be a really awesome nurse.

the cons are:
1. i dont like throw-up.
2. not exactly trained for it. and dont have the more money required for school.
3. everytime ive mentioned it thus far to anyone, they've laughed their heads off. not sure why.

see? i think all signs point to the fact that i should be a nurse, definately. oh well. we shall see, wont we?
(what is the past tense of "shall"???)

im sitting at work right now, actually, and the boy is asleep in my chair, the one all the way across my cubicle. its a good 3 feet away. (i got the luxury office. haha. its really not so bad except for the grayness of it and the no windows thing. oh, and the i-can-hear-everything-going-on-ever thing. i have added a bit to it, which im sure seems strange to the others that work here, but i could not do positively any work without it, and its hard enough to do it as it is.) its a perfect saturday, except for 1) its not quite warm enough 2) there are no windows and 3) i am sitting at work, surrounded by piles of baby bottles and camoflauge silent auction items for the clay shoot. there is a part of work i know nothing--absolutely nothing about, i tell you. why anyone would want to pay a bazillion dollars to come shoot fake orange things? men. geh.
which reminds me: the lady who trained me here told me if things ever got too hard, then i could just get married and have a baby. that way i could quit, but they wouldnt hate me for it. im thinking about taking her up on that advice. i dont quite know how to decide about such, though. i overanalyze, perhaps!

i have been reading again what our mothers didnt tell us, by danielle crittendon. if youre a girl, or guy, i suppose, read it. it has changed my life. seriously.

i also need some more good music to listen to.

speaking of fake orange things, have i ever mentioned that i dont like oranges? i dont. or orange juice. my mother told me i couldnt go to college until i learned to like orange juice, because that is a life skill, but i managed to get there anyway, without liking it. also, lately, i have been drinking real cow's milk--like straight from a cow with no inbetween steps. dont worry, its cold, though. i have had two different kinds (one from the next town over, which actually, i think was transplanted from kentucky, and the other kind from wisconsin.) i actually like the wisconsin kind better, but they both taste just like milk. except, i guess its way better for you. so says jed. it is one of the ironies of life that the boy is so incredibly health conscious, and i am so incredibly....not. but shoot, if i can get some highly necessary-change-your-life-omega-something-or-other that will dramatically impact and improve my health by doing something that i love and would doing anyway? im all for it. (if you want to dramatically change your health and life, too, ill give you his email address because he knows how or something.)

also, for the next month or something (Starting yesterday) we will have 11-12 people living in my house. all my extra makeup has already been commendeered to play princesses. these girls are crazy. they even have their own made up languages and writing and back-stories. back-stories! im so glad they have that. my bestfriend was a great back-storier, and that changed my life, too. but its a good thing that most mornings im too tired to put on any makeup except the mostest absoultely necessary. alas. maybe when i get to be a princess ill take up eyeliner once again--a luxury most of us can ill afford, i'd say.

inventing invention

2008-03-11T13:01:00.009-05:00

i had the best breakfast almost of my life the other week.
i wouldnt necessarily say its better than eggs and grits and buscuits and gravy, etc., (homemade or wafflehouse!) or better than a cinnamon roll and hashbrown from mcdonalds, or even french toast and breakfast potatoes at perkins at 11p.m., because those things are good (and some of my absolute favorites), and they have their place.
my breakfast consisted of:
-- a boiled egg (in one of those cool egg dishes.)
-- ham
-- fresh bread and butter
-- a banana
-- chocolate dip for the banana
-- hot chocolate and water

it was so good! ---a different kind of good than the others--a kind of good that was lingering and inspiring and that i want to imitate regularly. i think it was for three reasons:
1. it was fresh and simple and not complicated.
2. it has all necessary things that you love most, and is reasonably healthy: protein, carbs, fruit, chocolate.
3. it is reproduceable.
in fact, i am reproducing it right now. im multi-tasking! and eating a boiled egg (with the outside of the yolk turned grey, which is really the only way i like the yolk.) and a quarter of a gondola, half a banana and some truffle kisses. (so good.) and i am happy about this.

why dont we live like that --all the time?
{2.20.08}
_________________________________________________________________

of course, that was 3 weeks ago, and the original even longer ago than that.
we dont live like that because it is hard to keep up, i think.
today for lunch, for example, i will probably eat peanut butter and jelly (the peanut butter will have omega-3 fatty acids artificially added, because i feel guilty not being healthy enough. i think the bread is smushed. also, i plan on having popcorn (and m&ms---individual sized bags are awesome.) because i've been wanting that. This is the time of year that i want popcorn constantly. unexplainably.
it is warm outside today. this is a change that i welcome. which is a rare enough event.
i think i should try to write on this everyday. i think that i will plan to do this at lunch. i have decided that it is more productive for me not to leave the building if i can help it. although, once its quite warm outside, i plan on walking down to the downtown courthouse square and listening to the provided (and often sketchy) lunch music. plus, its exercise that way. two birds with one stone, no?

even once it gets warmer i might even just want to sit outside and not do a single thing but look at the clouds. i dont do that enough.

nevermind. i just heard there was pizza downstairs for lunch, which i will probably eat instead of the pb&j on squishy bread. goodbye, omega-3s. and smushy bread. i have heard this about pizza: that even when its bad, its good. and also, that you generally cant have too much of it.
although, the pizza does throw off the popcorn plan.

i need to write on here more. i feel tooo smushed under everything, and it is hard to balance and i absolutely cannot live up to all of the expectations. the end. i will use this to remember what is beautiful in this town (if there is such a thing)and in this life (that is here, just hiding). ((( keep me guessing with these blessings in disguise, i suppose.)))
also, do the small bits of beauty outweigh everything else? its hard to say.

i was looking in my notebook just now to see if i had thought of any other gems that i had forgotten about. not really, but i found these two:
1. "Could love have ensued out of order and perfection? maybe. but probably not."
2. "cluelessness is the mother of invention."

these are true, i think. sometimes i surprise myself when the things i do manage to get down on paper are still _true_true later.

once, in first grade, i tried every conceivable way to spell "once." (ALSO---excellent movie. i finally saw it, and i fell in love with it.) ones, wonce~who knows what all i wrote. my teacher was standing over my shoulder and told me all my ways were wrong, helped me erase them, and let me *finally* figure out the best way (i just wrote the best way to spell it??!?!? i meant the *only* way) to spell it. and i have never forgotten how since.

: so i breathe it in :

2008-01-03T15:57:00.000-06:00

I.
Last night as i was sleeping
i dreamt--marvelous error!--
that i had a beehive
here, inside my heart.
and the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from all my old failures.
-- antonio machado, from times alone

II.
and the other day, this new friend of mine said something to me:
"just because it starts differently, doesnt mean its worth less."
and i soaked it in! how i soaked it in.
and just to prove how right he was, then you came.
-- peter, bjorn and john, from writers block "objects of my affection."

III.
by this we know love: that He laid down
his life for us, and we ought to lay down our life for
others. little children, do not let us love
in word or talk, but in deed and truth.
God is greater than our hearts.
--1 john 3:16, 18, 20

{an obligatory list.}

2007-12-19T09:08:00.000-06:00

because i cant do much else, apparently. at least right now. but something is better than nothing, no? i thought so.

The Not-So-Good:
1. getting stuck in snow for hours!
2. the snow plow (who the nice sheriff deputy called to pull me and dad both out) getting stuck, too.
3. awkward situations
4. having to answer the same questions over and over again
5. feeling like i should be in two places at once.
6. not having enough of a christmas break from work.
7. the still not-knowing-what-im doing- at-work feeling. its not the work, actually. its the job. im bad at having a job like this, i think, if that makes sense.
8. my mother changing types of gum, after shes had the same kind my entire life. i dont do well with change, you know.
9. still not being done moving! geh.
10. icy car windows in the morning.
11. unpleasant conversations
12. not having quite enough time for everything
13. peyton, the fish, dying.

The Good:
1. chips / salsa. and waffles. and christmas cookies. and fabulous $2 frozen chinese food
2. metaphors that arent actually metaphors at all (just the real thing, said somehow else.)
3. fitting things in, easily.
4. wal-mart bags. (so useful.)
5. happy insides of shoes
6. conversation (and hotchocolate. welcome, but not required.)
7. going to tennessee soon. and potentially graceland, too.
8. circle-y connections.
9. chewing gum. (i wouldnt be where i am today without it.)
10. mittens! (and even though i only have gloves right now, i still call them mittens, because
thats way better.)
11. singing christmas music at the childrens home in town. very ghettofabulous-meets-um...not
ghettofabulous.
12. good music in general, actually. and i like songs with whistling / harmonicas.
13. giraffes. and camels.
14. surprises, of all kinds.

(there is so much.)

{eavesdropping.* }

2007-12-06T14:20:00.000-06:00

(or: put a goose in your basket and call it a day.)

i think its important to eat foods with their intended instruments, so i always try to eat chinese, etc. with chopsticks, if at all possible. i like it.

there are certainly things in this world that try one's patience.

oh, you know how the only constellations we know are mostly just the dippers and orien (although, maybe you know more, i dont remember?). anyway. i found out that orien's armpit is what beetlejuice is. which is weird. why would you name someones armpit beetlejuice?

and i finally got some gravy last night, from crackerbarrel. it seemed a little on the thin side, but it was certainly better than nothing, which is what i previously had. i have not, however, filled the craving for waffle house.
whenever i think of gravy, i also usually think of this guy named joey, who i worked at perkins with, in jackson. one day, when i first got there, we were talking about how his life was so screwed up right then, and then he said--in the most southern-ish accent ever--"its all gravy, baby." and it was so funny, and sortof a culture shock thing, maybe, cause his accent was so strong (even though southern accents werent new to me at all!) for some reason i always think of that.

and theres a reason why i've been busy---work. i have 4 events in the fall. one has just happened, and one happens this week. i've had to go back to work 3 nights this week, which is gross, but i have a million things to do! and i feel like im forgetting things like crazy. so, i made myself a massive to-do list and put some pictures on it, so i like to look at it, and i also made myself a great soundtrack and got myself a cookie and i've been plugging away, at least sortof. who knows how everything is actually doing. not me!
so, if you have any good music suggestions for fall soundtrack #2, let me know. i was pleased with the first soundtrack, and i have been listening to it. having a great soundtrack for life makes a difference!
ive been going to bed later than i was trying to before and so im tired too.
i have missed this feeling. i miss being up at two in the morning talking to people at a damp-from-dew picnic table. i miss sleeping in random places and carrying my alarm clock and toothbrush with me to the DMS lab. i miss the DMS lab. it was so inspiring. i mostly miss the feeling that i am learning things that are important--and then that i can do something with the things that i have learned. actually, not true. the thing i miss the most is eating whatever i want and not gaining a pound ;)

i am using a different computer than normal and the keys are so nice and clicky. (i need a laptop. but i decided to not get one until i paid off my last credit card. almost there!)

i like being busy, but i think i feel static in lots of other ways.
also, this week, i met someone who's parents died in the genocide in rowanda, and a guy i went to highschool with was at the mission and also, someone a year younger than me from church was at the mission too. i did not know what to say to these things. they made me feel really lame. and sad. and it breaks my heart to see guys my age at the mission. they shouldnt be there, you know? 23 year olds havent had time to mess up their lives yet--its mostly still just plain stupidity still.
maybe thats what i meant when i said that i dont feel like myself sometimes here. i havent written hardly at all (i just cant do it!) and i dont feel like im learning things (except i know i am.) and i dont feel like i have the chance anymore to do something important. i would like to do something important. and im not sure that im quite so funny anymore. and im not sure i was terribly funny to begin with, except sometimes when i write, but i dont even do that anymore, so thats out! bleh!
and sometimes, i feel like boring-ness and staticity is encouraged by people here (if not directly, then by their lifestyles) and that is a tragedy. one of many in the world, i know. people here are okay with being bored. i cant remember the last time i was bored! my mother never let us, and there is certainly too much to do in the world to ever think about being bored. this is a pet peeve of mine, for sure.

also, we went to the nickel creek concert on sunday (two sundays ago, now), or rather sat outside of it (it was an outdoor concert) and my sister and i werent rich enough to pay for both of us to get in, so we sat outside the fence with some nice old people and some other hippie people and this guy that worked there? i guess? started yelling at us before the concert started about how we werent true art supporters and stuff. and then later he threatened us with security, then he brought them (even though he couldnt kick us out, cause we were on public property.) but we moved back a ways, and were just fine, but the hippie people argued and argued with the both of them about it, and it was pretty funny.) but it was really a wonderful concert with all the random mix of people that you find at and around those things.

its important to like cheese when you go to europe because that is what they eat there! all the time, for breakfast and things. also, baked beans sometimes, i heard. imagine the queen eating baked beans for breakfast! thats an amusing thought. well, of course, the queen is amusing either way you go. my favorite story though, is king henry the VIII. my best friend growing up was two years older than i was and was a fantastic reader. like checking 38 books out of the library at a time fantastic. and then reading them all.
anyway, i would make her tell me the story of king henry the viii over and over because she had all the wives memorized and knew all the juicy details about them. i love that--a good story with just the right details that you can listen to over and over. also, i love the steadfast tin soldier--thats more of a fairytale, but it isnt really. you should read it, if you havent. or wait till i see you, and ill read it to you. then you can read me something. there is something so wonderful about being read to. do you remember when you were old enough to read, but still young enough to be read to on a regular basis (did your mom read to you? did you like it?) and i would try to read over moms shoulder and read ahead! but then you would get stuck when it came to the end of the page.
seems like a metaphor for something.
do you have a favorite?
it would be really weird, but cool, to live underwater. one major memory of mine from early on in life was going to san antonio with my sister and parents (by the way, you and your sister were adorable when you were little. i have no pictures online for you to see of my sisters, but sometime ill show you.) anyway, we went to seaworld and the alamo, etc. but we also went to this one place where we went down in a submarine, and there were mermaids and this swimming, dancing pig. it was so crazy! and it made an impression on me, i can tell you.

and today, i saw a man riding a bike with a painted goose sitting on the front of his bike, like in the basket. why did he have that goose? why did he paint it? where was he going? oh! and you'll never guess this one: i saw the bicycle-goose-man again! it wasnt just a one time thing. and it was raining, and he was riding around anyway, and holding an umbrella at the same time. and i learned that the goose is actually just white--not painted at all--but instead is dressed in capes, tied around his neck! that is crazy. it was a different cape this time. something striped, i believe.
things like that make a difference in life. and i dont know about you, but i need that.

* courtesy of various emails written to people

Posted 9/2/2007 1:15 AM

{ this post is to my library books as my library books are to my smudgy heart}

2007-12-06T14:15:00.000-06:00

which means, of course, that its far overdue, which is the problem i always have with library books. this is because i love the library so much, and everytime i go i find a million books that i want so i check them out, and then, of course, i dont have enough time to read them, and i hate to give things back that i havent read yet. so then they are overdue and thats a problem. however, funnily enough, my notebook has been getting quite a bit of use lately, which is good and bad. i desperately need a laptop (mac or pc?!?!). i just cant write here otherwise, i think. i cant explain it, its psycological, i guess. but a lot of people here do not understand about my notebook. that is a big difference between here and college.

however, i lately had one night that was very miserable, and, therefore, i scribbled about 6 pages worth of notes for a book someday. i think it might be a good idea. maybe.

i got perhaps the worst haircut in my life the other day. i mean, it looks okay, but im not really sure its actually straight. or what i asked for when i went in. its always risky getting your haircut. i was thinking about it, and its really funny, because this sort of haircut is something that happens when i just cant stand it anymore, and i just have to get my haircut and then something happens, and you just feel better, because if everything else is out of your control, d***it, and there is nothing you can possibly do about it, but you can get your haircut, and so you will. but i realized this time that actually, you cant control this either, because you arent holding the sissors. and that is a big part of controlling the haircut. that is a slightly startling realization.

but it was almost worth it because the lady i was talking to was a little halirious. she told me all this crazy stuff and some funny stories and she kept saying "oh my lordy, God help us." and if she wasnt doing something or other with my hair i think she would have done the catholic cross thing (genuflect? i forget what its called.) because she was and old mexican lady who immigrated here 30 years ago. she had good stories. and she cared for people.

i want to do that.
but i wonder if it is a good idea or not, sometimes. friends seem fluid, and i apparently, am not good at it, really. which is funny because it never seemed hard for me. but neither did a lot of things, so i dont guess thats a really good way to judge. i do want, and need, friends, though. also, it is hard to think about real things here, sometimes, because so much time is taken up with normal living things: cleaning, deciding about dinner, dusting, etc. that is another difference between here and college. everything seemed bigger and more important there, and i didnt have to spend much time with various sundry details because there wasnt that much room for them. dusting, for instance, took half an instant for the whole dorm, if it was even necessary--no surface was hardly still long enough to merit the need for it.
however, here i work at the rescue mission. i know a guy who was beat up in the ghetto, and there was a lady who died because a cinder block was dropped on her head while she was driving and another guy whose car was stolen. and we are learning about the sermon on the mount at church (you should listen too.) and i dont know. its harder to care here, maybe, but with more opportunities. which is ironic.
but everything is something to offer, even in this discouraging, lonely, scary, hopeful, and mysterious old world.

things are not necessarily good over here, you know. dumb things are hard, and i have a hard time with them. but things are not bad, either. i often think that things that should not be happening to me are (not strictly circumstancial, though, because we must learn to rejoice in them and through them); and that things that should be happening to me or seem to always be happening to someone else, do not happen to me regularly at all, or even infrequently, or never. is this a problem? maybe this is why ive been on an eighties movie kick lately. which has put me in the mood for 80s music. any suggestions for good stuff?
also, i have lots of mosquito bites, for some reason. and it is hard to walk in the rain and eat chicken nuggets and smile at people.

smiling at people is newly, or perhaps more renew-ed-ly important. this is something that a dog is good for. i have been trying to walk the dog. this is important to me because 1) i feel like im getting fatter since ive been home, which is probably only half a smidgin true, but it feels like more, so i should exercise and 2) its nice outsitde most nights and 3) because it is nice to say hello to people. ti do try to do that when i walk. it is good. and it is a way to be friends, fluidly, and that is how it should be, so you dont feel sad--rather, you feel just the opposite. i have made lots of random friends this way. once, when i was shopping, i encountered a former kindergardener named sophie and we had a very nice lengthy conversation. and we were best friends for 10 minutes and she gave me a hug when she left and that was just how it should be.

it was also good because it distracted me from my growing irritation with shopping. it used to be that i got irritated because nothing was modest, or it didnt fit right. and these things are still true. but it is rather rapidly being replaced by two things: first, i hate having to look at each piece of clothing and stand there and decide whether the article of clothing is a dress or a skirt, or a shirt. half of this stuff is virtually indistinguishable. and that is irritating. it lengthens time time required for any shopping trip by a lot cause you have to stand there and decide about everything. grrrr. the other irritation is that i am not pregnant (insofar as i can tell. theres always that nagging worry, per the x-ray complications, and the internet research with the two-times-ago roommates.) nor do i have any desire to look pregnant. and 3/4 of the clothing available is also suitable for maternity wear. its a little insane. oh, if only i was pregnant right now, i would be all set. im tempted to stock up anyway for when i am pregnant, because im sure by then, that only skinny styles will be in fashion, and i will be doomed to wear old lady pregnant clothes. maybe then i will look like im from the 80s. how exciting.

anyway, last time i was walking puppy, i let her run around in this great field, which was still smelling damp and freshly cut and clovery. there is nothing i like so well, unless you add the fireflies and what do you know, there were fireflies. and life was good, even though. and the whole thing was entirely too poetical to put into an actual poem, so i will write it in prose, but it was lovely. a few moments before i started walking, someone told me to be sure and look at the sun (what a remarkable thing! i usually tell people to look at the moon) because it was setting very prettily. so i looked as i was walking,but i could never see it. as i was leaving the field and there was a bright light through the trees and i thought that it must be the sunset. turned out, it was a street light.
i was certainly glad it wasnt the sun.

we really do have smudgy hearts, dont we?

Posted 7/18/2007 9:50 AM

ready (and waiting)

2007-12-06T14:14:00.000-06:00

i'm ready for something big.

(i think.)

really, its more like im thinking about beginning to think about starting to get ready to be ready for something big.
(i am definately interested to see what will happen. (among other things.))

(..........to be continued.)

Posted 6/27/2007 11:25 PM

{ once in a blue moon }

2007-12-06T13:57:00.000-06:00

once in a blue moon is one of the things that i always say. and lo and behold, tonight is a blue moon, for real. here is an article about it. i read it (or at least skimmed it). apparently, it has not much to do with the color of the moon, and has something to do with misunderstandings in language. how appropriate. i was very interested to learn this stuff. although it was very cloudy tonight, ironically enough, and so i couldnt see it. and i was a little sad, because there is something intrinsically lovely about blue moons. another thing i say on a regular basis is: is the pope catholic? and varients thereof.

the thing that my grandpa always said was this:
i went to the river, and i couldnt get across
i paid five dollars for an old gray horse
i got to the river, and he couldnt swim,
so i knocked him on the head with a hickory limb.
whereupon we would probably also be knocked on the head, although not with a hickory limb, because we didnt have many of those. but with whatever was handy. like the newspaper. or the couch pillow. or...um...the flyswatter.

speaking of my grandpa, he passed away.
it was very sad, and very strange. but he was a good grandpa, and i know he loved the Lord a lot, so its okay. and my grandmother is wonderful about the whole thing. she kept saying (with the resoluteness of that generation) that it was just our turn, and we didnt want our turn at this, but everyone has to have one, and we can trust God. and we can. but i still cried. i have been less ashamed of tears lately. how important it is to share with each other! not just pizza, or jokes, or smalltalk, but everything. (and the second most important thing to share is stories. this is something else my grandmother was great about). the whole thing is about letting people come over with your house messy, because theirs is too, probably. at least a little bit, like in the closets. its about a willingness to be vulnerable, sometimes. not always, certainly. but its important. and hard. being real is important, and even just one real conversation can make such a big difference. really. ( i miss this.)

my grandparents have really bad timing in dying, though. (haha.) my dads mom was during all of the grandkids crazy week-before-finals (or somewhere right around there. really-super-plus busy anyway) and we all had to do a lot of shuffling to be able to be where we needed. and then my grandpa was in the middle of my sisters and cousins finals, and i missed my first big work event to be there (which ended up being okay, but i felt bad) and my cousin had to come from japan and it was dad's birthday (and we were praying jack wouldnt die then, and he didnt!). and no one ever has anything to wear for funerals, ive decided.

i am feeling slightly relieved that things still feels like summer, even though ive been working, and no vacation, really. almost a year ago, i was at the zoo. and that was lovely. and i was driving back through saint louis afterwards. that was a defining experience for me, in a least a couple of ways, and i missed things, but im not sure i would change them. and i wondered if the lions ever showed up. and how the anteater was doing.
also, i was relieved to learn tonight that there is, in fact, duck tape as well as duct tape. i always thought it should be duck, but everyone always told me duct. i like ducks better.
(my nursury was decorated with ducks. ironic, eh? death, marriages, birthdays, anniversarires, births--the whole deal, right here and now. somewhere anyway. this post is like a deluxe pizza, apparently. and i think i shall have a chocolate meringue pie instead of cake, or pizza for that matter. i love that stuff in a way which i do not, and will never, love deluxe pizza. i am a thin-crust,-lots-of-pepperoni-and-cheese girl myself.)
i did learn a great deal about funeral processions, though. it was one of my greatest fears in all my life though, because i was very near the front of the procession and i had to drive and i had my sisters, because my parents rode with my mamaw. and i had no earthly idea where on earth he was going to be buried, and i get lost in that town------so what if i lost the procession!?!?!?! i had like 30 people behind me too, so i was very worried about this. my sisters were just hoping that we would get to run a red light. and we did that too. and most happily--no one got lost! (just think of how you would never hear the end of that!) but it was pretty funny.
this is one of the things that i didnt know you could do before. and also, i dont think i knew that you should pull over if you see one, cause you should. and keep your lights on if youre in one, and keep up! and some walking guys took off their hats when they saw us.. it was very sweet, and respectful of them. this is where the south is nice. i wouldnt mind being like that.

also, i am beginning to understand, maybe, that this do unto others business does not always mean "if you dont want someone to punch you, dont punch them first." it can be much more proactive than that----whoa. if you want someone to be kind to you, be kind. if you want encouragement, encourage. if you want someone to give you their chocolate cookie, share yours first. and so on. thats harder, i think, because its so unlike what we think.

i heard an absolutely halirious story while i was in texas. someday, i will publish this one. it is often a great relief to be moderately funny sometimes.
and, while i was there, my cousin made me three awesome--and i mean awesome--cds, full of good music that i havent heard much of yet. but he didnt label anything at all, so i have no earthly idea what im listening to. ill blame it on the jetlag. he was in japan just a few days before. and you lose/gain practically a whole day, depending on which way youre going, and thats just weird. that is something that i just dont understand.
but i did learn some more about chickens this weekend.
i think when i grow up, i want to live in a house with a single or double digit house number: 15 tiffany court. 6 charles way. 10 maple street. i think that place will be very interesting and conducive to lovely things. as they already are, really. just like a blue moon.

yes, i am interested to see what will happen, dont you think?

Posted 5/31/2007 10:44 PM -

{ my screen debut }

2007-12-06T13:56:00.000-06:00

this is my screen debut. actually, more like my literary and stage debut, but whatever.
the best part is that this conversation actually happened. like 58 times. seriously.
these were good times. and this makes me laugh so much.
(and it was in a real live play.)
and i am still curious about chickens.
and now, because its happy, my scene:

(Back at the house. Margie enters; Henry is sitting in an easy chair.)

Margie: Henry, there you are! I've been running about like a chicken.

Henry: A chicken?

Margie: Yes, I've got to find…

Henry: Marge, chickens don't just run around. The phrase is, 'I'm running around like a chicken with its head…'

Margie: I know what the phrase is, Henry.

Henry: But if you said…

Margie: Wait, how do you know about chickens?

Henry: I used to have chickens on a farm.

Margie: You did not.

Henry: Oh, no, come to think of it, I chronically lie about my past as a chicken farmer in order to pick up chicks. (HE realizes the pun, then laughs.)

Margie: It's not funny.

Henry: You get it? I didn't mean to, but it's funny.

Margie: Yeah, yeah. You always are.

(and so on.)

currently playing: the plain white T's // hey there, delilah

Posted 5/25/2007 9:22 PM

the baby cow

2007-12-06T13:51:00.000-06:00

( like always: its not anywhere near finished yet, so improvement suggestions are more than appreciated.
but--i have some semblance of a poem! and i am happy to be fussing with it, even though-- all things considered.
there is certainly grace for the moment. more to come. but here---edit! )

The Baby Cow
for Jack, who taught me how to fish

Coming home from the war, you rode a train from New
York to Tennessee to Alabama, which was home. You stopped
in Jackson because you couldn’t wait any longer for some fried chicken,
which they didn’t have in France. It wasn’t as good as your mothers.
My great-grandmother makes the most southern fried chicken
anyone has ever put in their mouth. Her biscuits could have been fed
to the confederate army before battle, so the boys would die thinking of home.
I certainly do not have this skill.
This is probably because I do not understand chickens.
I do not understand which eggs are shipped to warehouses in Milwaukee,
and then to the corner grocery in Odessa, established 1811,
and which are incubated, en masse, warm and safe.
Eventually, a chick breaks through the translucent shell,
and undertakes its chickenly duties, until the end of its life. And I do not understand
how chickens manage to run around after their heads are cut off.
I certainly do not have that skill, either.

The same cigar has been in your mouth since the war,
and since then you have fancied yourself an artist. We take our notebooks
and find a spot by the riverbank and sketch any dandelion or caterpillar
that comes across our path. We are not only artists, but scientists:
later, we take our drawings to the library and find the scientific names,
Magnoliopsida Asteraceae, and add any necessary details to the drawings
that we missed before. We are precise, and precisely none of this has ever happened.

What happened was this: we woke earlier than the fish and spent an hour digging
for the best worms (I used my thumb and forefinger as a pair of forceps).
Finally, at the pond, we got ourselves situated in a good spot, near the reeds,
and, despite the rope tied around my baby-girl waist, I promptly fell in.
both annoyed and amused, you fished me out and walked me home. You told me
a story about a man you knew in France, who also got himself into a river
and couldn’t swim. That man bought a horse for five dollars from a nearby farm
The stories I like best are about farms. Your great-grandmother
used eight gallons of syrup a day to feed all her children and the farmhands;
your great-aunt’s best friend got stuck on the barn roof for half the night
before anyone could talk her into coming down. And your father
was the last keeper of the Baby Cow. The Baby Cow’s stall was the second
from the end on the right, and had been since 1842, in a controversial move
by whichever distant relative was the Baby-Cow-Keeper at that time.
The cow was not fed raw silage or rough grain, nor was it allowed
to eat fresh grass from the field. Everyone in the town contributed
hay and short for feed, and the Baby Cow contributed warm,sweet milk
for every hungry baby. And every person in the town, from 1788-1962, was fed
from the Baby Cow, or the Baby Cow’s mother, grandmother, great-grandmother,
great-great-grandmother, and so on, together and again, amen.

“The end of an era,” people said when the Baby Cow, and FDR,
passed on. They lit a candle, said their prayers. It is a night for prayers:
both unanswered and unprayed. I want my unborn children to learn
all the things I have missed: the way to climb to the tallest trees and how to skip
rocks all the way across the pond (mine stop after two skips).
And how to whittle. I’ve always wanted to know how to whittle.
I will pray for these things as I sit by the riverbank.
Posted 5/18/2007 12:19 AM

{associated press.}

2007-12-06T13:49:00.001-06:00

i read this lovely article and then let my mind wander,wander,wander. here are the words i thought:

violin. journalist. newsweek. constraints. jim carrey. jimmy stewart.
seriously. pillow. night. live. contrast. honor. ego.
cumulusclouds. slumber parties. kleenex. thermometer. locked. 15-year-promises. blueberries.
you. about. lemon-scented. dishwashing. love. practice. family&friends. forgiveness. europe. style. world. retail. rollerskates. wholesale. sidewalks. paintbrushes.
servant. freedom. comfort. citizens. truth. spectators. people. mundane. profound. awkward.
oil and vinegar. turtles. buttons. cones. blueprints. simplify. disciplined. grace. gospel truth. cicadas.
read. beauty. julia childs. toast. details. chords. skip. peanut butter. understated.
wellington. drawing. walrus. social justice. flamingo.

(i think that it's brainless
to assume that making changes
to your window's view will give
a new perspective.
blacking out the friction / death cab for cutie)

Posted 5/7/2007 12:42 AM

{ things that do not make sense. }

2007-12-06T13:44:00.000-06:00

when i drive, i am a radio-flipper (especially as of late, when i brought my cds inside to put some of the newer ones on my computer and they havent made it back out yet.) that means i hear a lot of kinds of music, and also some really dumb lyrics. take this example:
this is why im hot. this is why, this is why, this is why im hot. im hot cause im fly; you ain't cause you not. this is why, this is why, this is why im hot.
tell me how this was made into a song. seriously. oh wait. i know how: the guys a poet. he rhymes hot and not. what talent.
and heres one: take a look at my girlfriend, shes the only one i got. shes not much of a girlfriend, but i never seem to get a lot. i love it when she calls my phone, she even got her very own ringtone. if that ain't love, i dont know what love is. who wrote this? is he married? has he ever met a girl?
this doesnt even begin to think about songs like "fergielicious." and "my humps" (i cant believe i forgot that one before. i hate that song.) ew.

new goal now that i have a job is to get out of debt. this is requiring me to spend time looking at money stuff and planning and stuff. this is overwhelmingly boring. not that i was never bored before this, like, say, in math class, but one would think that boring would end after school ended. also, i had to go to this meeting at work to learn how to work the new telephone system. it was totally boring and so i completely didnt pay attention though most of it. so i still dont know how to work the phones. and whenever i want to do something, i have to pull out the little instruction sheet. however, i resent being made to sit through the meeting, because i would have had a much more productive day actually working and the end result would be exactly the same, except i would have gotten some work done. someone explain to me how the business world makes any sense.
[ let no debt remian outstanding except the continuing debt to love one another. ]

its a little hard to believe about all the hurting in the world. its hard to see that a senior creative writing major shot and killed 30+ people. thats almost like me. well, except its really nothing like me, but i was a senior creative writing major not too long ago.
its hard to believe that when i got to last monday's morning meeting, i heard about 3 people who had committed suicide over the weekend. it was very sad. there is a lot of pain in the world. and a lot of hopelessness. and its hard to know that some of our oldest friends are hurting right now.
and i just wrote an article (which, unfortunately is not online yet) (and: i was happy with this article. i was funny and touching, if i do say so myself.) but i was basically just talking about visiting my grandparents. the point is, its hard to see them hurting, and unable to do things and discouraged. its hard to see my father sick (he threw up tonight. fortunately, i wasnt home when it happened, but, being the good daughter i am, i brought him 7up, and am staying far away.)

also, i have a really hard time trying to think about stuff sometimes. for example: i believe that we should be able to have guns. but then im like wait. not every idiot on the street should be able to get a gun. but then i think that if there were stricter punishements for crime and prisions were not basically daycamps, then that would help. and then i think but! the state shouldnt be that involved. anyway, its the families who should be taking care of their kids. and its the familys fault for letting their kids be dumb. so we should take away welfare, so the children have to be gainfully employed to eat, then they wouldnt have time to be running amok. but then i think that we ought to have compassion on those in need, so the idea of welfare isnt that bad (although the execution still needs some work). and theres more, but i forget it.
so i dont know what i think.

heres a story. one of the last days i was a sub, this kid comes up to me and asks me if i go to church. i said yes, and i asked him if he did and he said sometimes. but then he said "want to know how i knew that?" and i did, and he knew i went to church because i was wearing pearl earrings.
go figure.

(of course, there are lots of things that dont make sense. this is the slightest handful.)

i wonder if people think about me the way i think about them, sometimes. is my lack of punctuation annoying? do they get annoyed when i use excess words, or words that dont sound like me? do they wonder why im wearing two coats of mascara while im wondering why the heck they have on hot pink lipstick. i wonder if people actually think about the same sorts of things as me.
being real is a hard task indeed. learning stuff, doing stuff well, being funny, finding clothes to wear, and being disciplined= harder. being holy, loving people and forgiveness are very close to almost impossible. maybe. (but grace is offered.)
its nice to have someone to talk to about stuff. (i mean really talk about real stuff.) i have no idea why people dont to that more. and brownies cover a multitude of overwhelmities.

currently playing: deathcab for cutie // plans
Posted 4/22/2007 10:23 PM

{ things i have been doing }

2007-12-06T13:11:00.000-06:00

1. traveling
actually, this was last week, as i didnt get to actually go anywhere for my real spring break this week. i went with my mother and sisters to see my grandparents in texas last week. it wasnt really a fun trip, but it was good to see them.
these are my questions: 1. why is gas so freaking expensive? it jumped 30ish cents in the past week. gross.
2. how come people and hotels dont think that details matter? i mean, really. how hard can it be to open the hotel-order-decorations-magazine and realize that something besides teal green and peach would be nice to decorate the rooms with? our new favorite hotels are the holiday inn express ones, just cause they feel the least like an eighties bridesmaid dress or dentist office in general. they have real pillows and nice big towels and showers and free breakfast and it doesnt look like a hotel. they have real art, even. props to them. but--why did it take so long for them to figure that out? and why doesnt everyone else figure it out? they would make more money that way, pretty sure.

2. music-ing
my cousin has unlimited downloads on napster for $15 a month or something ridiculous. and i dont really like napster (i think its unnecessarily complicated), but i managed to download lots of awesome new music when i was there (hopefully while i was at it, i expanded her taste from just justin timberlake and christina (dont judge too harshly, shes 14). (by the way, im always so disappointed in christitna agulara (sp?) because one time i watched this whole special all about how she studied opera and all this really really good music stuff and shes so, so talented, and shes just wasting it.) it has been quite the challange to get it to play on my computer, but i think i have it so i can at least play it, if nothing else.
(new favorite band from this venture: meese.)

3. cooking
somehow in texas i got put in charge of cooking.
i cant cook. goodness. but i learned, and everything was edible. i felt like izzy stevens though, cause there were sometimes i didnt know what to do to help my grandparents (who are getting very old, by the way) so instead i just baked cakes. and i am good at that. somehow, the one thing that i can manage to make very tastily is icing. mmmmmm. its good, if i do say so myself.
maybe if i keep cooking, ill be good at it, but im not getting my hopes up. and of course, its hard to say whether tasting good or getting done at the right time is more important. because im decent at getting everything done all together. it does suck to have your mashed potatoes be sitting there in front of you getting nice and cooled off while youre waiting for your steak to finish cooking. it also sucks to have to eat your whole meal and then have the rolls for dessert, cause someone forgot to put them in on time. so: on time i can do. yay.
and now its easter, so ill be baking cookies and bread all afternoon. and the cookies will have sprinkles, probably. God help us all.
(im not sure why sprinkles are so traumatic, but they are sometimes. i think it might have to do with the extra mess it produces.)

4. writing
trying to write this article right now.
im so out of practice! im having such a hard time. goodness.

5. eastering
we've been singing all the easter songs for good friday and such. we sang such a lovely latin-y version of o sacred head now wounded. i like songs that sound like that. they make me wish i was catholic almost--there is something majestic about liturgy. but its cool. also, i just like singing in that almost-opera way. one feels very refined and amused while doing so. and its just so wonderfully shiver-y.
my favorite moment of easter, hands down, (besides the obligatory but still true and lovely death and resurrection) is the curtain rip in the temple. its just so terrifying and mysterious and lovely and meaningful. mmm. i like it.
and its going to be so cold this easter! im going to have to wear my christmas dress instead of easter, so i dont freeze. like our poor tulips outside.

6. getting
a job! yes, i think im employed.
its with peoria rescue ministries (which include a homeless shelter for men, and women (but seperately) and all kinds of things. and i will be the public relations coordinator, eventually. first i get to just hang out and learn stuff with the current PR person before she and her husband move away to seminary. people keep asking me if im excited. and i am. but i think thats overwhelmed by 1) the relief that someone wanted to hire me and my education wasnt totally useless. and 2) nervous! im so nervous and scared. lots of responsibility here.
and i dont know what im doing. my minor was PR, but i only know about 5 minutes worth of it.
oh dear.
they already gave me an umbrella.
also, this job comes with rules. im not allowed to get married within the next 6 months. not sure why that is. but he said to me and i quote: "so, once the business manager comes back into town, you can fill out all the forms for taxes." and so on and so forth. and then, as i was leaving he was all like, "oh, and no getting married in the next six months! you know that, right?" (i said "dont worry sir, i dont think im in much danger of that." but i wonder why anyway.)
so. there it is.

7. shopping
and right after i start, i have to go to this formal dinner to see how to do it and the invitation says "dressy attire." can anyone explain what that means? its nicer than sunday clothes, but not black tie. what does that even constitute?! i have no idea. do any of you know? if you do, please tell me!
if you are male, count yourselves very blessed.
and again, i would be very, very happy to have the wardrobe possibilieies of jackie kennedy O. and lorelai gilmore.

there seems like theres more stuff (like sleepover-ing and reading and spring cleaning and stuff), but oh well.

i was in the grocery store yesterday and i told the wonderful grandmotherly lady with burgendy pink fingernails and lots of jewelry

happy easter.

she said
ohh, same to you, sweets.

(and i'll second that.)

Posted 4/7/2007 1:09 PM

leave it to beaver

2007-12-06T13:08:00.000-06:00

so, a lot has happened.
and a lot hasnt happened.

its hard to know where to begin, really [which is why i shouldnt let myself not write]. the past month overall has been pretty good?. work was alright, i went to a wedding that was so fun, ive been watching good things and reading good things and hanging out with the family. and then: the last week has been completely sucky. completely. (except for on tuesday when i received 50 recipe cards with little happy beavers on them by accident, because in what universe is that not happy?) (but what the heck am i going to do with 50 accidental recipe cards with happy little beavers on them?! i cant even cook)

details are more or less superfluous at this point, but basically, i felt expendable. (and traumatized). and i was (so) hurt. and mad. and i cried. twice.
and i am not a crier. not one bit.
and i hate things that make me cry.
and: i wish those things wouldnt happen.
even so, i quit crying eventually. and things are better, more-or-less. and im not complaining.
and then i made a list. here it is.

these are things that i am learning:
1. even though things totally suck, i have to trust. --yes, and praise the one who orders the universe.
2. not only do i have to trust, but i also have to try and not be bitter. and even forgive. even though i am bitter and do not want to forgive.
3. sucky things do not just happen to me. they happen to everyone. i must pay attention and care for others. cause im not the most important.
4. tap dancing is severely overlooked and underappreciated nowadays, as is dancing in general. (yeah. no one puts baby in the corner.)
5. some things are not my calling. and some things are not my fault and beyond my control.
6. i dont know what my calling is. it is not a lot of things. and it is not tapdancing, which is sad. but theres no rush. things will happen as they will. i just need to be ready. and as not scared as i can manage.
7. i am becoming thankful for things i never thought i would be thankful for--things like production nights until 5 in the morning and working at gross resturants.
8. stationery is important. using it, moreso.
9. theres not many things decent conversations, swisscakerolls (or oatmeal cream pies, if you will), and good, funny things wont fix. these things are key. they can help things you didnt know were even wrong.
10. what do you know. i like mediterranian food. and swisscakerolls. but not twinkies. just today i heard someone listing ridiculous things and they said: and pretty soon, we'll have organic twinkies. they're right, thats ridiculous.
11. also: being wanted is so, so wonderful. (oh thursdays.)
12. even when you run out of options, sometimes, there are still more. they are called surprise options.
13. privilege has no D in it. who knew.
14. oftentimes the search is more imporant than what you are looking for; othertimes what you find is the important part. but for sure--dont skip the looking.
15. in the scheme of things, things are okay. i am okay. God is good. i am (more-or-less) content. the world is full of possibilities. and it is spring, after all.
16. this is why piddling is important. and i like it. also, i would be happy if i could grow up and dress like jackie O and lorelai gilmore combined. very happy.
17. punctuation matters. really.
18. happy beaver recipe cards are awesome.

[nobody ever had a dream around here, but i dont really mind that its starting to get to me.
we’ve seen it all: bonfires of trust, flash floods of pain.
it doesn’t really matter. don’t you worry, it’ll all work out?]

currently playing: the killers // sam's town

Posted 3/25/2007 1:09 AM

the continuation.

2007-12-06T12:54:00.000-06:00

[part one was 01.17.07]

[ the continuation. 02.04.07]
(first, a few additions/clarifications. im not ready to get married right now. but when i do, here are some qualifications: ive got to marry a guy who likes salsa chunks. i feel so bad leaving all my chunks all the time, and at present i dont even have roommates to eat them. and: he should walk at a similar speed to me. and have nice ears. we have to laugh a lot, and a few other things, but those are important ones. oh yeah, and when i said i would rather fight than be indifferent, i didnt mean i wanted to fight. more like what anne said: i think i'd like it if he could be wicked, and wouldnt. yes, i am planning on marrying someone whom i love very much. also, the new plan is to get married to someone with the last name of edwards, maybe, and then ill have the same name as julie andrews did when she got married and then when i write a book, everyone will want to buy it because they think that julie andrews wrote it, and everyone should read everything she wrote, because shes amazing. isnt that a good plan? the end again.)

right, so i think i can safely? say that i am in a good place. i own less than i ever have.i dont have a real job. and my job for right now is hard. most of my real-est friends arent here. i havent written a single, solitary thing, rendering my degree useless. i dont know what i want to do. im not getting married. i dont even know whats going on. but its good. there have been ever-so-small, but still present, moments of grace and guidance. and i am learning to trust.
(also, daddy went to mayo clinic, and came back with no diagnosis. but they think that its treatable anyway. geez. and we were so worried about him. thank you all for your prayers. dont stop, just on principle.)

[ the continuation 02.15.07]
i dont understand things.im a little bitter right now, so im sorry about that. this is why:i turned down the first job offer to do something i thought was more important. and then i got put into a place where i might get to do that more important thing. in short, i inherited a sixth grade class. they are really not that great. but i kindof liked them. and i thought i was doing the right thing. now i might not get them anymore. maybe i cant be a foster parent. ive only had them for a week and im illogically depressed about leaving them. there was so much more they need to know! i want them to be successful. and right now, they cant even punctuate sentences properly.and yes, these two things are directly related. and one of them gave me a valentine.[i caught a girl blatently cheating on a test last week and so i wrote her a detention and, after checking with the principle to be sure, gave her a zero percent, with a note as to why. as i handed things back today, she read it and said: "a zero? thats bogus. i did not deserve a zero. thats just dumb." i ask you: what is the world coming to?]
there are other jobs, but i dont know how to get them. they do not teach you this in college.shall i try to teach? make the other place (that i really wanted and was so excited about) want me? is that even possible?someone tell me how to send someone a decent portfolio that makes them want you? please?and: i have a cold.and: because my graysanatomy friends arent here to watch it with me, ive dragged my father into watching it with me. (btw: he started his treatment for whatever type of lymphoma he has today, and its not chemo, which is great. and he wont die from it, and thats great.) i imagine its funny to see us watch it. im all squeal, squeal and hes all calm down, its just tv. but you know hes all into it too.and: meredith gray has the same shoes as me. i will never let my mothers comments about my needing a different pair shoes bother me ever again. because i do have a different pair. i just like these. and i know she does too, deep down. or will, once i tell her that if i keep wearing them, ill lose 28 pounds and get to be on tv.and: i miss my friends. and i suck-a-mug at keeping in touch. and thats sucky.

[the continuation 02.09.07]
i used to think, when i was little that brian busby [who was our local weatherman] was the weatherman for everywhere. and then i saw him somewhere and i got his autograph and i was so excited.i feel like very little of what made me me last year, or last semester even is misplaced. like i said: i havent written-- i cant. my friends arent here. i dont have my coziest little dorm and i cant make brownies anytime i want. heck, i cant even go to walmart after 11 pm 1) because the closest one closes and 2) its so ghettofabulous, that even if it was open, i'd be too scared to go, straight up.the question is: am i still me? i would like to think so. i liked me. i need someone here to help me find me. and an editor.
in the new testament, the jews wanted to change the whole world. Jesus asked just to change them, personally. this is (almost?) harder; no wonder they didnt want him. i understand this. i want to change the world, too; he wants me to change.i want to be someone who knows how to treat people. apparently my age group is a hard age group to talk to: it seems hard for people. we arent little, definately. we arent teenagers either. but i wouldnt call myself a grown-up. im half and half. or 60/40. or something. blessed is the one who knows how to talk to us without being condescending or nervous, or dumb, but rather being honest and funny and caring and even when we say stupid things, which is bound to happen, just loving us anyway. i want to be one of these people.and i want to improve my handwriting and read more. (ive been working on this.) and ive been baking bread, and knitting. you can call me marthastewart, cause thats my middle name. er. something.

[the continuation 01.24.07]
i have not ended up anywhere, yet.

[the continuation 02.12.07]
there should be a study on what our stamps say about us. i think ive finally reached a place in my life where my stamps of choice are the superhero ones. i never read comics or anything, though. what does this mean?

Posted 2/15/2007 11:14 PM -

[an aside]

2007-12-06T12:48:00.000-06:00

[ first, the p.s.]
if you would, pray for my dad tomorrow (tuesday, january 23, 2007)? hes having a biopsy--he was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma last week and this will help determine what to do next and stuff. im sorry if i havent gotten around to telling you in personally; we've been running around like chickens, mostly. so yeah, just pray he doesnt have to lose his hair. and that it gets better. (and while youre at it, pray in general just for the necessity of it. and also, i need a job. or a million dollars.) thanks, loves.

[ now: an aside ]

before i get around to talking about the present confusion in my own life (and the continuation of the previous post, although i suppose this is, in some way, a different part of that same continuation) i shall pause for a moment to talk about the future confusion that is almost guraenteed.
at the risk of sounding (at least momentarily, and perhaps longer) like one of those girls who thinks constantly and singularly about marriage, wedding planning and baby names, i did want to document these thoughts while they still made a smidgin of sense in my head, not to mention while they were still around.
>>> first off, there is the subject of marriage. i do want to get married of course; however, i dont imagine i am ready to pursue any such endeavor any time soon. however, i have been reading this book that has made me think much harder about the order of things and my priorities therein. this paragraph says it all. oh wait. there is too much; let me sum up:
"but i wonder if it wouldnt be the most radical and even progressive act an ambitious women could commit. right now, we live our lives exactly backwards. we pursue careers when we are hardly ready for them and then try to marry and have children when that is far more difficult later to do the older we get. wouldnt it be something if we did things as they were perhaps intended and get married to someone fabulous and stay that way for the rest of your life, have kids while you still have the energy to stay up all night with them and enjoy them, and then when they are older, pursue various other passions and enjoy your family all grown up and your husband. this will require sacrifice and perhaps the rearrangement of our plans, but this is how we grow and find contentment and besides, it will be ridiculously and unbelieveably well worth it."
-- paraphrased from what our mothers didnt tell us: why happiness eludes the modern woman by danielle crittenden

perhaps i have previously had things in the wrong order? or maybe the wrong priorities, anyway. the question still remains, of course, about the correct way in which to go about filling these expectations and how the feminism that is engrained in my head, even though i dont actually believe in it, figures in with this. it is a hard thing to balance, which is probably why so many women have such a hard time with it.
what to do, what to do. besides, i still dont think im ready to get married any time soon, but who even knows. not me!
heres a really good article about the subject. (and i know the guy who wrote it!)
and also, at the end of this month, my parents will have been married 25 years. my goodness.
i find the timing of this thinking slightly ironic, seeing as i guess ill have to find a boy if im going to get married. and, just for the record, i'd rather marry someone i hated than someone i was indifferent about. the end.

>>> secondly, there is the subject of weddings. if i do change the order of things, as suggested, then fairly soon, i might be getting married. either way, i would hope to eventually. someone told me that i should start planning my wedding now, and thereby account for my ridiculous indecisiveness. if i start planning now, i might only change my mind a thousand times instead of more than that, and i might not drive my future husband absolutely crazy.
i only know this: entirely too much money is currently spent on weddings. theres no reason for someone to spend $50,000+ on one's wedding. and also, at my wedding, there will be none of this adult-only business. we're going to have a party! and its going to be a freakingawesome time. and everyone should be there. the end again.

>>> and then children. (once again, it all comes back to the elementary school sayings: first comes love and then marriage, and then the baby in the baby carriage. and just the other day i got to explain to someone what XYZ meant, cause they had missed that. o dear.) but im pretty sure i still want a lot of kids. i was thinking the other day that if i happen to be a bad mother, then having a lot of kids might be the way to go. i mean, if i just had one kid and it was hideous, people would be like what the freak. but if i had 8 kids and they werent so well behaved, people would just say oh that poor dear, trying to handle all those kids alone all day. and thats nicer.
also, a new plan for me might be to foster care leading to adoption. (well, actually, half and half, maybe.) one important factor being that this would accomplish having the lots of kids without necessarily resigning myself to be fat for the rest of my life. i think i would prefer domestic adoption (as in, not starving children in africa, but hurting and need-ful children in america) and it would give kids a chance to get out of a hurtful situation and into a better one. and i think the government might pay you, if i heard correctly. we shall see.
this is all spectulation on my part, you know.
kids are becoming more important to me, i think. i mean, i never thought i'd want to teach at all, but i think i like it. or at least, i think i like substituting for a while. but scarier too. im not sure i'll be a good mother to a million kids. or even just 6 or 8 of them. (sigh.)
but if you dont want a lot of kids (which you should want at least several, if not a lot), go to the library and either read or listen to the audio book of cheaper by the dozen. its awesome.
and no matter how many kids you have, name them something decent. ive said it once, and ill say it again. you dont want everyone laughing at your kids name when its printed in the graduation program. goodness knows theres not much else to do at graduations besides examine everyones names in the program.

okay. thats enough of that.

Posted 1/22/2007 11:51 PM

i can give you that.

2007-12-06T12:46:00.000-06:00

I.

hominess is not neatness.
otherwise everyone would live in replicas of the kinds of sterile
( and impersonal)
homes that appear in interior design and architectural magazines.
what these spotless rooms lack, or what crafty photographers have carefully removed,
is any evidence of human occupation.
in spite of the artfully placed vases and casually arranged art books,
the imprint of the inhabitants is still missing. these pristine interiors fascinate and repel me.
can people really live without clutter? how do they stop the sunday papers from spreading over the living room?
how do they manage without toothpaste tubes and half-used soap bars in their bathrooms?
where do they hide the detritus of their daily lives?

from home: a short history of an idea, page 19

II.

and i have (nearly) nothing to my name,
but i can give you that.

from caedmon's call: somewhere north

III.

to be continued.

Posted 1/17/2007 9:54 PM

(this was supposed to be posted in time for christmas,

2007-12-06T12:37:00.000-06:00

but what can you do?)

{ so -(-last night-- no, now its) three nights ago was christmas eve,

(that osomagical evening full of anticipation and good things)

and everyone was driving me crazy.

everyone was talking at the top of their lungs all day and i had a headache. i was so hungry with no chance of food in sight for quite a while. i still had a couple of last minute presents to buy and i couldnt find what i wanted anywhere. and i had to do a reading with my family at the christmas eve service which was interrupting our normal traditions--and interrupting traditions is not my favorite. you know. ill admit it; i was grumpy. and then it was time to go and i had nothing to wear! and i found something, but then it had a non-wearable hole in it, so, so much for that. and they were yelling at me so much to hurry that i grabbed a handful of the pile of clothes i had been trying on and got in the car, still wearing the holey pants. so im in the church bathroom, trying to put together something that i can wear from the pile and thinking well. this is just fine. all mary had to do was have a baby in a stable. i have to do a dumb reading with my ridiculously noisy family with nothing to wear in front of everybody i know. and i would have rather been having the baby. (not that God would have let me.)
o dear.

i have a pretty good memory of being little, i think. i mean, i remember things as far back as the end of my two year old year and my three year year. but i dont remember learning all the things i know--those things that seem inherent knowledge. for example: i was substituting in the three-year-old-day-care the other day and they had apple slices for snack and most of them didnt like the peel, of course. but they didnt know how to eat around it. and the teacher had to teach them how to eat around it. it was precious. and i couldnt even remember a time when i didnt know how to eat around the peel of the apple. but of course i had to learn it, like everyone else. it was precious. and they were also working on cutting in a straight line. of course, i didnt know it was as difficult as it appears to be for a lot of people. apparently, im a good cutter, even back then. they were so dependent on us for most everything.
then we decide we want our independence.
and then we dont know how to give it up. even when it would be easier to. and thats hard.
sometimes i feel like im at a ridiculously awkward age, as far as knowing things goes. im old enough to know about a lot of things, and ive heard of a lot of things, but im young enough to have just missed a lot of the details. for example: things like watergate. ive heard about it in classes and books and i have a general idea what happened. but not really. i know about it, but i dont. its weird. i need someone around all the time who can answer all my questions and not get bored of me.
thats a big thing for me, you know? being bored, i mean. my mother drilled and drilled it into our heads that there is too much to do in this world to be bored of it and she never let us be. so im still not. i suppose there is about 1.67 reasons to be bored in this world. one of them is 46 hour long graduations where you only know one person graduating. the other .67 reasons may be dispersed as needed (but still sparingly of course)--things like business meetings or the dentist or something. not sure.

people are such a mess. my goodness. its a wonder unto me how anyone ever manages to get married. we're so funny looking and irritating and irritatable and we talk to much or not enough and on and on.

here was a song that we hummed all season: and though He has all power/he came to earth a baby/ so he could be called God with us.
there is such an emphasis at christmas on God with us, or, Emmanuel. this was Jesus' given name, of course. and there should be emphasis on both parts of this phrase equally, but it seems the emphasis is usually on GOD coming down to be with us. but think for a moment it the emphasis is on us. i mean, God with is less of a big deal. God has always been with, after all. with it, with everything. its not hard to believe that he is present with the cosmos and the depths of the oceans and the highest mountains. of course God is with that. but with us! we are such a mess. that takes some more effort to believe, of couse, that God chose to associate himself with such disasterous people.
[and the beautiful people intimidate me sometimes, but i do try and remember that they probably didnt start out looking that way in the morning. and that it doesnt last. and that there are more important things. and perhaps normal is prettiest? now, there are kinds of beauty that you may be born with or that are not aquired though the normal means, but im not talking about those here.]
[and also, isnt it funny that two women with the same haircut by the same hairdresser still look totally different? and also, how everyone has exactly the same parts in which to be a human, and yet we all look and are different? i think so.]

so, ive been thinking about families lately. well, families of all kinds, really. all of my friends and everyone i love and everyone who loves me. families are different than you think, but i am glad for them.
i do want a lot of kids. read or listen to the book on tape of cheaper by the dozen if you dont believe me.
this is how families are:
the other day, my sisters and i were supposed to be doing christmas baking and cleaning, but instead we were driving each other crazy, and my mother too. we were noisy and grumpy and all the rest. she sat us all down in a row on the couch and told us to not talk and to enjoy each others company. well, pretty soon, we were talking and enjoying each others company even though we werent supposed to but then we all ended up having a fun time on the couch and laughing and talking.
we like each other even though we are a mess. my roommate always gives me a towel to use, even though i forget one every single time i come to visit. and my family loved me even though i was miss grumpypants on christmas eve (shame on me.) and how people i know listen to me talk, even though they probably might have heard it before.
this is a hard concept, sortof, but there it is.
we should be family with everyone, despite the facts. and the facts are hard to get around, but if you do manage to get around it, its like all the best jokes. and even the crummy ones too. but you still laugh your head off, even if it is crummy. cause i think thats something we can do to help things. and really, we are blessed, and there is much joy in this world, all things considered.

Posted 12/27/2006 6:47 PM

a new voyage will fill your life with untold memories.

2007-12-06T12:33:00.000-06:00

[chinese fortune cookie from new hong kong from today.]

how ridiculously appropriate. tommorrow i shall graduate from college, and, while it is less of a big deal than I thought, it still is something, i think. i am glad, after all, that i get to graduate in december. it is less of big deal that way, and even though i caused 1000 people's schedules to be moved around because of me [no really, its true. and i feel a bit like helen of troy] its still only a moderately big deal, and i approve of that. i have come to unappreciate big deals more and more. even though i probably make them on a daily basis about things that should not qualify. but o well. today i closed my bank account, which i opened almost as soon as i got here, and i was sad. but im trying to let it go. and then! tommorrow is graduation and graduate i shall. the end.

and speaking of chinese food, i want to know why there are chinese resturants that dont hand out chopsticks. i mean, i love! chopsticks! using them is the funnest thing, i think; it makes your food that much more of an adventure and thats important. but what is it about these places that dont give you chopsticks and then when you ask for some, because you are at a chinese restuarant and that is the thing that you do, they look at you funny--like why cant you just use the freaking fork like everyone else?. and sigh but get some for you. but the point is, why cant they do what they are supposed to do instead of trying to use forks like they are clearly not supposed to do? do they think we're going to make fun of them? but i mean, why would i go to a chinese resturant if it wasnt even chinese, you know?

resturant and halirious are two words i cant spell and i know i cant spell them but im alright with that. no one ever told me that came with the job desciption. and they are both too long to use in scrabble, really, so i dont even need to know about them for that. ha!

the other night my mother made me go to church, [heathen child that i am--morning church i attend religiously [haha.] and i really dislike missing morning chuch; it throws my schedule off, among other things. but i dont even feel that bad about skipping night church. i feel bad about not feeling bad about missing sunday night church.] but anyway, my mother made me go the other night, and we sang some hymns, and i remembered how much i like them and how much they can mean and do mean. [lately ive been surprised at the way things mean. its much more meaningful, for example, to hear a new version of mozart!-somethings than it is to hear a new version of, say, wind beneath my wings. there is some kind of power in old made new, i think. im not sure what it is that gives that meaning to things, but there is something. probably something so simple [and yet complex--[and o dear, im not going to think about the number of parenthesis in this paragraph]] as absolute truth, or something. its hard to say.] so anyway.
my mother made me go to church and we sang count your blessings. and it was great. i have been so consistently surprised at how simply the Lord provides lately. i quit my resurant job, even though i didnt have another. but then, i got one. in the middle, i had no money. but then, just in time, i had enough from the new job to pay the bills. huh. amazing. and i dont know why i dont think that He cant take care of me, when, um, clearly, he can. and he will. even though i have no earthly idea what im doing. at all.

except for i know that tonight, i am eating cookie mush in my room, watching a movie that i want to watch. in my pajamas. and i will be happy.

ive been reading this book lately, and she has some marvelous things to say. some also some things that dont actually make sense, but that doesnt even matter so much because its so great. like: "here are the two best prayers i know: 'help me, help me, help me.' and 'thank you, thank you, thank you.'" and "the road to enlightenment--and inspiration and love and holiness--is long and difficult, and you should try not to forget the snacks and magazines.

so the question is, of course, how to trust in God. everyone says to, of course, and its probably a good thing to do. i have no idea, i just know that i need to do it, because, like i said, i have no idea whats going on in my life. so i think i decided that trust came down to not worrying. that can be hard, because i needed a job like yesterday, but i want the ones that i would love instead of one that i just dont mind, you know. but! it is safe to trust God (this has stuck in my head so much!) and that is so good to know. hum.
and also, the other day, when i was worrying about it--it being where i will work, and more specifically if i should hold out for the job i really want, or if i should take the one more presently available--, i saw this verse and it said "the Lord establishes the work of our hands (Ps. 90.17)." and i said duh.

but also, i dont quite know the difference between settling and being content. i need to find that out.

and speaking of magazines, ive had this pile of accumulating magazines sitting around for forever because 1) i love magazines! they are so great, and quick and you can just read them all the time, even if you dont have the emotional ability or time or whatever to read a novel [or other real book], you can read a magazine instead! its so cool! so im so addicted to this stuff, and ive been saving these magazines for so long because i like to look at them, but then ive been trying to simplify my life, [ever so slowly!] and i decided i needed to get rid of them. but i still wanted the stuff in them, so i decided to go through them all and pull out all the things that are pretty or inspiring or that i just need to know or remember and im pasting them in a big notebook (actually, im taping them, but pasting sounds like so much more fun and its funner to say, too). and then i can look at them whenever i want, but just the pretty parts of them (without the ads!) and really. i can not even explain to you how happy this book is. and then i threw away the whole stack of the magazines and its okay, cause i have all the best parts all for me. and i was sad to rip them up, but it makes such a beautiful book. and that is how things are, i think.

currently reading: anne lamott // traveling mercies: thoughts on faith

Posted 12/15/2006 4:27 PM

2007-12-06T12:31:00.000-06:00

nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Posted 12/2/2006 12:41 AM

mysteries at hand

2007-12-06T12:25:00.000-06:00

[this post is brought to you by the ridiculous need for me to be doing homework (PR campaign!) instead of xanga.]

i wish you all could see the poor private page of this (blog). i have the [bad?]habit of starting posts and leaving them as private until i can get back around to finishing them and also leaving notes to myself on there for things i need to remember or do or write about, and so over the last month or two, i have about 17 [or more!]posts started and never finished. i have complied some of them here for you. most of them are not even complete sentences, but alas.
==========================================================
==========================================================

the mysteries by david kirby. [this is a poem that changed my life, almost.]
__________________________________________________________________________

[ there are mysteries at hand. and heres one:
why doesnt one ever count backwards in roman numerals? ]

X. : the internet. and also, nature.
[i dont know if it is possible to put two terribly different things such as these into one
heading and thereby classify them as mysterious and leave it at that. i think its a
ridiculously awkward paring, completly opposite. but who knows, maybe it will be
like
so today, i wanted to know more about rodedendrens, so i looked it up on google, and there were only 5 entries. 5! thats not even a lot, especially for google. and i think i spelled it right, and it offered no suggestions about a different spelling. so i was perplexed. and then i thought i might look on wikipedia, even though its not technically allowed in school [although, what they dont know wont hurt them] but its summer and google had failed me [yes, my world fell apart.] and wikipedia had no information about rodedendrens! so, not only has google failed me, but the masses have failed me too. o dear.
so tomorrow, i think i might stop by the used bookstore and see if there are any flower books that have rodedendrens in them. cause im pretty sure these flowers to, in fact, exist?
and anyway, i need a flower book.

IX.
so, the other week i bought some stamps, and it was terribly exciting.

VIII.
why on earth didnt julie andrews and dick van dyke get married?! i mean, have you watched mary poppins?! my goodness. terribly sexy.

VII.

also,

parking grauges
men at work playing matchmaker

birds

i miss things.
____________________________________________________

i know people have said it before, but what the heck is the point of turning on all the new xanga privacy protection stuff? isnt the point of xanga for people to read it? how the heck are they supposed to read things if, everytime they click on a page, a message comes up that will only allow you to read this site if 1) youre invited 2) you send them a message 3) you are a catholic and born between 1979-1983 or 4) you are exceptionally the hottest thing the person has ever seen based on your profile picture and/or income.
its getting a bit ridiculous.
also, i dont want people to think im stalking them. and if youre reading, i dont think youre stalking me, either. i think that if if im reading [of if other people are], im curious about you. i am interested by you, more than likely. i want to know you, or pretend i know you. it puts a damper on finding good xangas and getting to enjoy them as thoroughly i would wish to. geh.
______________________________________________
"Plough The Rain With Her

Here's an idea
Let's grab this life and wring its neck with joy
So that when it comes time to die
When we find we have no breath left
It is because we willingly strangled ourselves
With love
Fell down dead
And mostly happy"
_______________________________________________________

doors make no promises, especially that one there, it goes outside.

a line of birds on a bridge, above the river and under the gaze of God.
_______________________________________________________

::: wishlisting :::
writing, believe in the gospel, get a job!!!, and a computer, polite. charm. clever.
_______________________________________________________

love?

________________________________________________________________________________________

there are a lot of things that i really have no concept about.
there are a lot of things that i would like to have a concept about.
i really have no idea how to go about getting concepts about things.

currently playing: relient k// two lefts dont make a right, but three do
among other things.
________________________________________________

must haves:
fresh apples, graph paper, extra fine point permanent markers, file folders, typewriters, oatmeal cream pies, borrowed books, dark chocolate m&ms, phase 10, poetry magazine, magazines in general, hand-written thank you notes, real friends, new vocab words, extra set of keys, good music[!]
_________________________________________________

i need a new job! that pays money.
i am looking.
any ideas?
_________________________________________________

"this was back in the dark ages. like the eighties."
"if its not a husband and not a kid, i can change it."
"i loved the whole story. the characters, the plot; not to mention the fact that you get to take drugs and
blow people up."
"the real world being what it is...."
"in a word or less, describe the state of the political climate at this time."
"no, i think its good that you want people to be happy about airplanes."
"here is a pick-up line that will work for men, guarenteed:
'hi, my name is {marvin}, and my two favorite things are commitment and changing myself."
_________________________________________________

odd highway numbers--north/south
even highway numbers-- east/west
_________________________________________________

things are not like i expected. !
i go back and forth between being so content and good, and absolutely discontent and wishing for something else.
i am trying to be content.
well, i am learning about being content.
actually, i am thinking learning about being content.
things are not like i expcted, but not bad, mostly.

Posted 11/11/2006 11:07 AM

[ my sentiments exactly. ]

2007-12-06T12:21:00.001-06:00

"i still find each day too short for all the thoughts i want to think, and all the walks i want to take, all the books i want to read, [all the music i want to hear, the movies i want to watch, the problems i want to fix, the opportunities i want to pursue, the food i want to eat, the personal character i want to develop, the jobs i want to find, the things i want to write], and the friends i want to see. "
Posted 10/27/2006 4:13 AM

{ oh, im so scared of camels.! }

2007-12-06T12:16:00.000-06:00

[ and im not standing here asking you to marry me. im just asking you not to marry him. and to maybe take a walk. or a chance. --john beckwith // wedding crashers. ]

so, due to unavoidable circumstances, [namely, my inability to pack anything whatsoever] i added another life experience to list. i left late on tuesday when i was coming to jackson, so i decided that i wanted to stay in a hotel cause i was getting sooo sleepy, and i thought that wasnt a good idea, maybe. so i found one that looked clean, but not too expensive or anything so i checked in and went up to my room and dumped my stuff on the bed. and i tried to turn on the tv. and it didnt work. and then i tried the lights and they didnt work. and the alarm clock didnt work, and i definately needed that, you know. so i called the front desk and said

"um, i know this is weird, but stuff in my room doesnt work."
the front desk grumpy hispanic guy: "did you turn on the lightswitch?"
me: "um, yes."
and then he explains the whole process of turning on the lights, just in case i didnt know.
and i said "well, yes, i tried that, and it didnt work."
him: well, do you really need your lights and tv?"
me: yes. i really need my lights and tv.
him: well, do you want me to come up and look at it?"

and i did, so he came and he was soo condescending, and he tried everything, but nothing worked, of course, and i laughed at his increasing perplextion about the subject. finally he decided it was the breaker, and so he fixed it and i was happy and he was glad to be leaving me, i think. heh. and then i watched wedding crashers again and fell asleep.

and then, i got to jackson, and i was running around like a chicken, which is apparently what i do in jackson, but apparently what i do everywhere, so i dont know. but there was a sign on my door that my wonderful roommates had put up and it said "welcome home, julie" and i said yes, i am home. and i was in my room. and i was with all of my friends. and i was in a town that i sortof like, even though its not even great. [maybe thats the definition of love: you sortof like it, even when its not great?] and there was great food; i probably gained like 5 pounds, but there are apparently more important things in life.

and after i was running around like a [happy] chicken, i went to BP, and it was mostly useless, but i was in nashville, and i love nashville. and i was with some people that i really like, for the most part. and i had a conversation that changed the direct focus of my life at this moment, maybe? and i was walking around the corner, and in the middle of downtown nashville and country music and motorcycles and homeless people and business people and crazy buildings and traffic, i found:
a camel.
in downtown nashville.
and he had a ring of flowers around his neck.
and he had a name: bo the camel.
and just as i walked by, a little girl ran by me, and ran in front of the camel and screamed that she was so scared of camels! ahhhhh!, and there were dogs and goats and sheep and cows and a pig and snakes everywhere, but she was worried about the camel for who knows why. all the priests and page boys were running around in magenta instead of white, and this was all happening in front of this absolutely beautiful episcopalian? [sp?] church, and the animals were going to church: it was the feast of st. francis, so they were there for a blessing. and a whole church service. and that makes sense, i suppose. i always heard that you should never turn down prayers or blessings, where ever you can get them. kindof like hugs or something. but once in a while, you just have to turn down hugs, if its sketchy enough.
i cant explain why this was a terribly important event for me. but it was. it really changed my whole weekend.
i saw a camel in nashville and life is good. or it will be good. and stuff.

i remembered that i take things too seriously when they dont necessarily need to be sooo serious. like writing. i say that if i cant do it perfectly, then clearly im not a writer, and i never will be. and also, i think that if i cant be elisabeth elliot by tomorrow or so, then why even bother reading my bible? cause clearly, im probably headed straight to hell anyway.
but no. im ridiculous. things are processes. and baby steps are o.k.a.y.
but part of the reason i think i cant write when im here, or havent been able to so far anyway, is because i just dont think im comfortable here, which is weird. cause it is home, just as much as jackson is. i have a church. and a house. and a family. and a few real friends, maybe. at least 4 of them. [well, both places are home inasmuch as i dont have a spot in either of them anymore, really. but thats okay, too. its just weird.] but anyway, the difference is this: i would wear pajamas out in public in peoria because i dont know anyone, and if i do know them [and they arent my family or a few closeish friends], i dont care enough about what they would think about me out in public in my pajamas. but i would wear my pajamas out in jackson because i do know people, and they've lived with me and they know me and, as far as i can tell, they still dont mind with me.
and i think thats a big part of why i have had a hard time getting words on a page: its amazing what feeling loved and cared about does for a person. [however, i was not prepared for how hard this could be, both ways, mind you.] and i always feel so see-through-able: i feel like everyone can tell when im feeling ridiculous or dumb or something, even though they probably arent really able to cause people dont pay that much attention. but just knowing that you are cared for regardless is quite something. and i think that when i can believe that about myself in this town, then it might feel differently for me. but im just guessing now.

also, when i was driving home from home, i picked some cotton.!

if i am having a quarter life crisis [and im not sure that i am, but i might be], and im only 22, is that a sign that i will only live until im 88? if ive only got until im 88, then my heavens. the distance between 88 and 100 suddently seems very big, even though its only 12 years.
there are big decisions to make. and things to worry about. and adventures to have. and things to do!
i want to love.
i am learning that you cant just not do something because you dont know its not foolproof.

i could start quoting garden state to you all, you know the part: "it's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place." and im not sure if i agree with that completly, or even mostly, but i do know this:

there is nowhere that i feel at home anymore, really, but i do feel at home with you.

currently playing: take it easy // the eagles

Posted 10/10/2006 10:53 AM

2007-12-05T16:07:00.000-06:00

the first:

there is something about fall that makes me want to listen to simon and garfunkel. im not sure what it is about them: they're just perfect for the weather and the everything, you know? i cant really think of an occassion for which they would not be the perfect soundtrack: theyre honest, and sexy and depressing and curious and so happy and they just make you want to sing along. its weird how music reminds me so much of some things. i was digging through the cds last week to find the S&G and i found a few cds that i just remembered being so good, and i said hey, i should listen to those. but i did, and they just reminded me so much of places where i am not and feelings and situations that are not the feelings and situations of the moment, that even though its good music, i just had no desire to listen to it. bleh. but then, i found the S&G and then i found fall out boy [and the killers, and jimmy eat world and the shins and weezer and stuff] and my cd player and i have had a very happy week. thats fall music if ive ever heard it. and its happy.

there are so many freaking squirrels in my yard at any one time, that i wouldnt even feel bad about running over some of them. normally i would, but its just getting ridiculous. and also, the other day, i thought i saw a mouse when i was walking into my house. and i admit: i screamed. because, i am terribly, ridiculously afraid of mice, and if it actually had been a mouse, i would have actually moved out of my house. the end. but it turned out to just be a chipmunk, so i am still living in my house.

i was thinking about hands the other day, because i really like hands. hands are important, and i like people with good hands and i want to have good hands myself. but theres this girl in my class and she has those kind of manicured nails that are really long and fancy and each nail has some crazily intricate design on it. and i just really dont understand the practicality of this. ooh, and get this: the really crazy ones plan for their nails to match what they will be wearing and things. and i just have issues with that. i mean, who the freaking heck is coordinated enough to tell the manicurist what to do to you nails so they match what you will wear 6 days from now? [unless its specified dress, like a wedding where you already know these kinds of things.] goodness, im lucky if i know what im wearing when i walk out the door. but anyway, so these women have these crazy long designed on the nails and then they cant move or write or type or clean or touch anything except for their lipliner and figi water. and why on earth would you pay that much to not be able to move your hands that much.
and i dont know, it may just be that ive never had a really good manicure and so i dont know quite what im missing, but i still think that the women have the most beautiful hands when they are normal looking, but pretty and well-cared for, you know? same with boys. good boy hands are ones that are strong, and used for things and stuff. not that idle hands are a devils playground, exactly, but something.

i still maintain the opinion that balance is terribly important, but im often finding that a hard line to find. there are so many things that seem like complete opposites:
contentment v. living a full life
doing whats right v. doing whats fun
idealistic things v. realistic things
fashion v. comfort
being loved v. serving
i dont know how to balance these things. and other things too, but i forget what they are. i guess thats the beauty of english-majoring: at least i can give them a name so i know what exactly it is that im dealing with but i dont know how to make it all true, any more than it already is.
im finding out that a lot of things are not only an exercises in loving people, but also there are many exercises in being loved. and that is harder than it seems, sometimes.
sometimes, i wish that i could be a conglomeration of everyone i like. and sometimes i wish you were a different conglomeration of everyone else i like, too. but no. we are who we are, and its dumb to ask for different.
the gospel is real [surprisingly enough, i think.]

tonight i learned to read a different language. it was a modified arabic script.
this is what i learned to read:
my tie.
i tie my tie.
i might tie my tie.
i might tie my tie too tight.
i dont think im good at learning to read in completely foreign languages. i kept using my english and i was just repeating in my head over and again while i was learning it: see dick. see dick and jane. see dick and jane run. see dick and jane run fast. but either way, it was pretty weird.
also, the other day i think i found something that i might want to do with my life [for a while] and things. its the first thing that has caught my interest in forever, so im kindof excited about it, but maybe ill be horrible at it. and ive been assured that its hard. so i dont know. but maybe.! details to come when i have more details to give.

also, im coming to jackson in like a week or something., so if youre there still, we should hang out. im not actually planning on sleeping when im there, so i have time to 1) see everyone i want to see and 2) eat everywhere i want to eat. it will be fun.
so much to say.

also, there are some new darkchocolate m&ms available that are simply exquisite, as far as m&ms go. they come highly reccommended by me. i think im addicted.

and: the second.

i dont actually know whats going on here. but thats not a surprise, i think.

currently playing: simon and garfunkel // tales from new york

Posted 9/25/2006 9:48 PM -

everyone knows:

2007-12-05T15:23:00.000-06:00

everyone knows
that a good poem is about the images.
and a good reading is dependent on the selection.
and a memorable wedding about the details.
and a good drive, or a bad dance, is about the music.
and a non-repulsive christianity is about the grace.
and that a room can be saved by the pillows or fresh paint.
and stars are prettier with wishes.
and friends are better with conversation.
and jeans can be salvaged by an awesome belt.
and a bad dessert, if those exist, may be rescued by chocolate, which to my knowledge, is virtually unmessupable.
and ugly feet are hidden by great shoes.
and wrinkles removed by downy wrinkle releaser, which is the best stuff.

but what about everything else?something about scotch tape and fishing line comes to mind, but im not really sure about that. neither is my fish. well, hes not really my fish, but i feed him and he likes me.if someone fed me, i would like them too.come to think of it, my copy of one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish seems to be missing. its mostly my favorite of dr. seuss, i think. although its a close race. i should write more, somehow, maybe? bleh.some things need to be full. like stomachs and gas tanks and cookie jars. and life. i dont think scotch tape can help with that, either. there are some things i dont know. but also, if i knew, it would be scary. question: should you learn from the mistakes of others, or make your own nice little pile to learn from? and also: what is a full life dependent on? and how do you get those things? i should get my own fish. i would keep him alive. and altogether we would wish. a wishing party!
so, if you wish to wish a wish, you may swish for fishwith my ish wish dish.from there to herefrom here to therefunny things are everywhere.
and that is all for today.

Posted 9/13/2006 6:17 PM

{ THE HOW THINGS HAVE BEEN LATELY [IN SUMMARY] UPDATE [EVEN THOUGH ITS BORING] }

2007-12-05T15:18:00.000-06:00

I. THE SCHEDULE
work
class
sleep
work
work
sleep
[ hang out? ]
[ errands ?? ]

II. THE BOOKLIST
domino magazine
lucky magazine
poetry magazine
delights and shadows // ted kooser
colossians
only human: christian reflections on the journey toward wholeness // david p. gushee
the practice of public relations [9th edition] // fraser p. seitel
spoken soul: the story of black english // john russell rickford & russell john rickford
love in the time of cholera // gabriel garcia marquez
until i find you // john irving

III. THE WEATHER
mostly cloudy-partly sunny. rainyish. everyday.
the long sleeve / short sleeve debate takes place pretty much every day.

IV. THE SOUNDTRACK
every other time // LFO
it'll all work out // tom petty & the heartbreakers
when you were young // the killers
by my side // ben harper
all my days // alexi murdoch
the sound of settling // death cab for cutie
be still my heart // postal service
hey ya! // outkast
st. elsewhere // gnarls barkley
sunny road // emiliana torrini
this side // nickel creek
sugar blue // jeff finlin

V. THE MENU
some [grossish] chinese food
mac & cheese
peas
cereal, and, of course, milk
chips and salsa
pizza
grapes
cajun chicken sandwich
brownies
waffles

VI. THE QUESTIONS
why is it that even when im in an elevator by myself, i still stand near the back?
grad school, or no?
does whats right depend on our circumstances?
how does one know what they want?
who was the first person with a last name?
how do we access the more in the middle of normal?
apple or dell?
and also, who on earth came up with the sizes for frames?!
do policepersons get tired of going slow because [obviously] everyone slows down around
them? i mean, what if they're running late?
what on earth inspired the color palette for the 70s and 80s?
why isnt there a punk-ish version of moon river? [i need one desperately.]

VII. THE THINGS-TO-REMEMBER
trust the chefs.
learn to pin boutonnieres
get some superhero stamps
[eventually] watch top movies of all time
and read more! and listen to music
try on dresses before you buy them
small things matter
be an excellent mingler [especially with important people]
fear may not be a good disqualifier
if all else fails, put a gnome in the front yard
the guys name was not actually archie palmer
patience has not ceased to be a virtue
there are opportunities
you cant fake the vibe
keep it up, homegirl, dont you quit
one day at a time.

VIII. THE YES-EXACTLY
... I say, Here' the deal: I'm going
to get in the car and drive.
I'm sick of my own cruel
self-pity and chronic indecision.

I'm going out to find the
rhythm of the ocean.

If I wake up years from now
with you lying next to me,
let that be the answer
to your question.

Posted 9/6/2006 1:25 AM -

{ its never what you think. }

2007-12-04T17:44:00.000-06:00

i know a guy who stabbed his uncle. a murderer, if you will.

[thankfully,?] i dont know him too well, but i have shaken his hand and worked with him on a handful of nights and had conversations with him. he also has gotten fired in the past week, for reasons having nothing to do with murdering anyone, insofar as i know.

also, i know several alcoholics, and a drug addict, gamblers, cleptomaniacs. i know several people who never managed to graduate from highschool, or even get their GED, and girls my age who have three or more kids, are pregnant again and may or may not be married. and these are just the things i know about the people i know about. and i dont know about everyone.

sometimes, this is rather shocking for my little-girl sensibilities. just the fact that i know a guy that stabbed his uncle.! to death! i mean, my gosh. his name is jerome. he has a girlfriend and an apartment and is rather fond of the bling-bling. hes pretty short [5'4'', maybe] and always ready to go home at night--hes not one who would stick around for an extra 5 minutes to wash that last set of plates. he rides a bike all the time. hes a little hard to understand [again, that lack of teeth thing. all these men at work keep trying to set me up either with themselves or with their friends. its practically baptist college material--they are so insanely worried about the fact that im not living with someone. but i just keep telling them that im not going to date anyone without teeth. and you would be surprised at who that rules out. so far its proven to be very effective.] anyway. its hard for me to believe.
ive been so, so thankful for perkins this summer. really, i have. and that sounds funny for me to even say, because i didnt even like perkins one little bit. it was a little less scary there, which sounds funny to say. but there i learned how to control facial expressions and not blush, for the most part. i still blush sometimes, like the other day they were having a discussion about which stripclubs were the best, and i blushed a lot, or so im told, but im really getting so much better. i still dont know what to say, but at least they might not know that.

but its becoming clearer and clearer that there is nothing so--awful and destructive as half-way christianity, and nothing so beautiful as the real kind.
the real kind is hard.
im not sure i have to be strong enough for it though, so thats the good news.
but i still feel like im missing something.
but i dont know what it is.

and i think i learned why it is that it bothers me so much when people think they are better than other people. because the more time i spend with them, the more it surprises me to find how much we have in common, and how much we are alike. this is scary and humbling and relieving. for anyone, then, to think that they are somehow better than someone else 1) is remarkably arrogant and 2) remarkably ignorant.
theres more to why i dont like it, like because all men are created equal, and we all recieve grace on a daily basis, but i cant really figure out how to explain it any better besides that.

------------------------

also:
im not dead. ive been working like crazy!
i think i get to graduate from college! and ninehundred peoples change in schedule will be justified, thank heavens!
i will get my new car next week. i dont know what to name it yet, though. ?
i miss my other car [lewis. [louis? i never spelled it, i just said it, so im not sure which is right.] i cried a little when i said goodbye to it. theres just something about that car that got along with me.
i think im an either all or nothing kind of girl. but if its all, i dont want it all at once, you know? i like to spead things out.
sometimes, i really am surprised how much icecream and hugs can help things. and toast.
i learned to write/translate binary. kindof.
im tired of work. really, really tired of it. but i dont know what i want instead.
the world is a curious place. and i have questions about it. i like finding answers to my questions, and i like people who have answers to my questions.
i never know what i want. and i dont know how to know what i want.
and perfect people are really obnoxious.
i remembered tonight that i need to learn my constellations. and probably how to spell them too. i bought a book about stars by h.a. rey, who wrote curious george and its a happy book, but i havent really learned anything from it yet.
its never what you think.
so much i want to learn and see and do! feels like i wont ever get there. i feel stuck, maybe.
i think of so many things to say everyday, but i forget them. and theres so much to share.
i need to write so much, but i think i will start here, and not fuss at myself [very much.] it will come. hopefully.
and there is more. but not now.
and i want some waffle house so muchly. so, so muchly.

we pass just close enough to touch
i wont sleep if you wont sleep
cause tonight might be the last chance that we're given

guilty pleasure: dashboard confessional // dusk and summer

Posted 8/18/2006 12:25 AM

[{ conversations }]

2007-12-04T17:42:00.000-06:00

I
me: so, do you guys actually have to walk on seperate sidewalks down there?
him #4: um, no.
me: so, you do talk to girls sometimes?
him: well, usually i study.
me: do you have to wear a tie all the time?
him: no, just in the morning and at dinner.
me: do you even have any jeans?
him: no, they're uncomfortable. i dont like them.
me: do you have curfew and lights out and bed checks?
him: well, yeah.
her#5: aw, do you wear jammies to night-night time?
him: actually, i sleep in the nude.

II
him #5: so, hows it going?
me: oh, pretty good. i'm lost and stuff. you know.
him: lost? where?
me: kalamazoo.
him: kalamazoo?
me: yes.
him: kalamazoo. kalamazoo, michigan?
me: yes, thats the one, rand.

III
me: "come on! lets go out on the town! live it up! have some fun!"
her#1: "its tuesday night. where are we going to go?"
me: "i already told you. now get ready!"
her: "mcdonalds?"
me: "yeah!"

IV
him#1: some people say "right person, right time"
him: but i think i'd probably just miss them and then be alone foerever.
me: is this scary?
me: im scared of not finding that one person, a little bit
him: yes, me too
him: im terrified of being alone
me: but which is worse: alone or not alone, but throwing up?
me: id have to say the throwing up

V
me: "GAH! there are just some things they dont teach you in college! i want a refund! i
mean, they didnt even teach me how to write a menu, or whether Ranch and Swiss
cheese are supposed to be capitalized all the time!"
her#3: "of course, Swiss Cheese is capitalized, its the name of a country."

VI
him: "right, so my grandma had this little chihuahua"
her#4: "oh what kind of dog was it?"
him: "well, this little chihuahua"
her: "was it a basset hound? a great dane? a poodle? a dalmation?"
him: "no, a little chihuahua"
her: "a mutt? a dachshund? a lab? a schnauzer?"
him: "no, a chihuahua. like the taco bell dog."
her: " was it a yorkshire terrier? golden retriever? german shepherd?"
him: "no. a chihuahua. c-h-i-h-u-a-h-u-a."
her: "was it a chihuahua?"
him: "how'd you know?"

VII
him#2: i need to find someone whose opinions i trust.
me: well, here i am.
him: no, its like a rule that men cant get opinions from women.
me: are you kidding?
him: no, gosh. of course you cant get opinions about important things from women. ask
your dad.
me: hey, dad. he wants to know whether men are supposed to get opinions from women.
daddy and mumma [who was also standing right there]: *laugh for like 5 minutes at boy.*
daddy, finally: this is what this poor, ignorant young man needs to know: women always
have opinions, and they will always give them.

VIII
him: so, what do you say? will you marry me or not?
her#6: well, i dont know. did you have braces?
him: well...yeah...[ smiles to show her that his smile is sexy thanks to said orthodontia]
her: i did too. that settles it. we cant get married.
him: what?! why not?!?!!?!
her: well, you arent very rich, are you?
him: no...but i have a job, and--
her: im poor too, and think about all the money we will save by not having to get our
childrens braces.

IX
me: what on earth is a quadrillion? will you show me?
him#3: do i have to write it totally out?
me: well, how else will can you show me? scientific notation doesnt even count.
...
me: what on earth are you writing out all those zeros for? havent you ever heard of scientific notation?
him: i dont know, just for kicks and giggles. or, maybe because someone told me i had to.

X
her#2: right, i started using abbreviations when i would text my last boyfriend
me: really? cause i still mostly use real words and correct punctuation when i text
her: no, it was mostly when we were fighting and i figured he wasnt worth the whole d---
word. man. boys are stupid. s---, man.
me: hopefully not all boys are completely stupid.
her: i dont have time for a boyfriend right now anyway. theres too much i want to do
right now. life is too f---ing short, you know? you just never know when youre
gonna go. life is just too d--- short.

XI
me: oh, no. im so scared of being buried alive now.
him#3: dont be scared. if i found out that you were buried alive, i would come and dig
you out.
me: really? aww. what would i do without you?
him: die? oh, but be sure and leave a sign so i know where youre buried. i dont want to
be doing any extra work. its too hot outside for that kind of thing.

Posted 7/31/2006 3:28 PM

Today is Tuesday, July 18, the 199th Day of 2006 with 166 to Follow.

2007-12-04T17:37:00.000-06:00

The moon is waning. The morning stars are Mercury, Venus, Uranus and Neptune. The evening stars are Jupiter, Mars, Saturn and Pluto. Those born on this date are under the sign of Cancer.

On This Date in History:

In 64, fire destroyed nearly two-thirds of Rome.
In 1925, seven months after he was released from jail, Nazi leader Adolf Hitler published the first volume of his personal manifesto, 'Mein Kampf.'
In 1939, MGM had a sneak preview of 'The Wizard of Oz' after which producers debated about removing one of the songs because it seemed to slow things down. They finally decided to leave it in. The song: 'Over the Rainbow.'
In 1977, Vietnam was admitted to the United Nations.
In 1984, a gunman opened fire at a McDonald`s restaurant in San Ysidro, Calif., killing 21 people.
In 1994, a car bombing in Buenos Aires, Argentina, killed some 100 people in or near a building that housed Jewish organizations.
In 2003, NBA superstar Kobe Bryant was charged with one count of sexual assault stemming from an incident involving a 19-year-old female employee of an Edwards, Colo., hotel.
In 2005, Eric Rudolph was sentenced to two life terms for a deadly 1998 bombing at an abortion clinic in Birmingham, Ala. He also faced later sentencing in Atlanta for bombings at the 1996 Olympics and two other sites.

A Thought for the Day: Federico Fellini Said, 'all Art is Autobiographical. The Pearl is the Oyster`s Autobiography.'

.....................................

i have often [well, okay. not oftenoften, but once in a while] wondered what would happen to this blog if i died. and my email accounts. and facebook, and yes, even a blogspot account. what about my online banking [which i cant ever figure out how to work anyway] and phone bill and instant messenger all of that stuff. as far as i know, my passwords are fairly private [?] and although my roommate from freshman year may have known my password to my email account, i would hope that by now she has put that brain space to better use. so how would anyone know that i had died? unexplained long absences may have been a good indicator in the past, when posting happened more frequently, but as of late my fingers have moved much slower than my thoughts, something like trying to keep up with the speed of light in my little red corsica, which by the way, still needs to have the air conditioner charged. [that is something im desperately looking into in a while, before i drive six hours to the lake. i was going to hold out--i made it to july and whats another month of heat, and what did they used to do before air? but im a baby and its soo hot, and oatmeal cream pies, cheez-its, bottled water and good music only allieveiate the heat so much, you know.]
and what would happen to these words? probably not much. its hard to say. but im not sure anything should happen to them, either. but maybe it should? again, its hard to say.
[see also: this and this.]

almost two weekends ago now i slept deeply and unconsciously in my bed in my town as my grandfather was brought back to life in an ICU room in his town. i imagine it was something like gray's anatomy--they called code and everyone was rushing around, being heroic. and there were heroic people there, my mother tells me. everyone from the doctors [one of them could complete an entire crossword puzzle in 10 minutes using an inkpen.] to the physicians assistant who almost never left the ICU. even this guy in the waiting room who was blind from being shot in the face by his stepfather. you see, his stepfather was molesting children or maybe it wasnt children, but women, who knows, and the guy told his stepdad he was going to turn him in cause it wasnt right; dad said if he did, he would shoot him. he told the police anyway, and now he is blind.
jack [yes, we call our grandfather "jack," because when my oldest cousin and i were little and they asked him what he wanted to be called, he said jack because we would be able to say it before "mamaw" and jack, by the way, is not even his real name.] anyway, jack was, insofar as i can understand was actually dead, and then actually alive again. my grandmother was sleeping, and so was mom, and mom had to wake mamaw up. and i was sleeping here.
[really, im scared to live by myself. ill sleep through the rapture. and the fire alarms. it used to be that the number one requirement for the boy was something like "must love God" or "should be tall" or "teeth a requirement" or "must be interesting and very cute." but i dont think so anymore. the number one requirement is definately "must wake up." and if he wakes up to the fire alarm, he must wake me up too. [one or two requirements besides that of course, "must love God, be insteresting and cute" are still up there. anyway. very besides the point.]]

this is remarkable, in mostly ever sense of the word. in one weekend, there was nearly a funeral, [indeed, perhaps there was one for someone else on that very ICU floor, and most certainly there was one for more than one someone in the world.] that weekend i served at a wedding. and more than one baby was born to waiting parents all over the world. i duly note the irony, in a writerly fashion--

" ...but i do this believeing
somewhere it is happening, to someone else,
as surely as i know that somewhere two
people are screwing, in some distant country
the spikes of new cattails cut a pond's surface,
and whitecaps pitch their tents, ready
the siege in a broad gulf where my many selves
will have to face each otherm port and starboard,
no room for shoulders against the narrow transom."
[-from "horns unknown" by ralph sneeden]

currently playing: emiliana torrini // sunny road

Posted 7/18/2006 9:26 AM

weird.

2007-11-16T17:08:00.000-06:00

okay: raise your hand if you know what "second star to the right and straight on until morning" is from without looking it up. im curious. [cause apparently this is not common knowledge; i thought it was. its messing me up. i feel like one of those things on leno where he asks people who the president is and they dont know. or something.]

also, i was thinking about it today, and i bet i've probably eaten upwards of 2500 peanutbutter&jelly sandwiches in my life. amazing.

Currently Watching: Singin' in the Rain

Posted 6/28/2006 6:36 PM

::: a meditation on ecclesiastes 2 :::

2007-11-16T17:04:00.000-06:00

v. 2> i said of laughter, "it is mad." and of pleasure, "what use is it?"
stages of laughter [from some journal of nursing]:
1. smile
2. smirk
3. grin
4. snicker
5. titter
6. giggle
7. chuckle
8. chortle
9. laugh
10. cackle
11. guffaw
12. howl
13. shriek
14. roar
15. convulse
16. die

"laughter is a form of letting go, which keeps you from getting dragged too far. laughter is a control issue. it is not your look that indicates how spiritual you are so much as your laughter. when we laugh at a situation, we are not avoiding it--it may be that we are admitting we cannot control it. our laughter indicates that we take God seriously and everything else, including ourselves, less seriously." --from laughing all the way

but a cheerful heart is good medicine. and i like laughing. tell me a joke?

[oh, and this isnt funny, but did you hear that the pope got the bird flu?]

v.3> i searched in my heart how to gratify my flesh with wine.

ok, the entire wine industry does not make any sense to me whatsosever. at work, we have these people come in and drink lots of alcoholic beverage. now, i dont really have a problem with alcohol consumption, as long as you dont get drunk, and you watch out for other people and all of those things. but if you want to have a glass of wine with dinner, knock yourself out. but what i dont understand is what justifies spending a thousand-plus dollars on it. like at work: say we have a party of 10 people come in.
10 people x $25-30 for the meal= $300.
+ 10 people x $ 7 for dessert= $70
+ 30%ish tip added to that= $115
----------------
$485 [plus tax]

and thats almost $500 right there but if they get any alcohol at all:
10 people x 5 glasses each x $8 dollars a glass = $400
or:
2 bottles of white wine x $36 + 2 bottle of sparkling wine x $80 + 3 bottles of red
wine x $90= $502
+ 10 people x 14 glasses of sundry liquor x $2.50 [average price? i have no idea about this.] = $35

----------------------------

$435 or $537
[plus alcohol tax]
+ $485

-------------------
$ 920 or $ 1022 [plus taxes]

this much is sure: i am not rich enough to drink alcoholic beverages.
you know, if i had an extra $500 laying around, i dont think my first instinct would be to buy alcohol with it. i mean really: i could buy a laptop [or half of one, if i do decide to get a mac]. i could buy 7/8 of a plane ticket to europe. i could go to new york city for a week or two. i could buy a lot of clothes, or shoes or books or movies or cds, and with a little more, i could buy a car. i could feed 164326728 children in africa for a month. there are a lot of things i would rather do with 500 dollars then get tipsy. maybe someone can explain the logic, because its really rather mind-boggeling for me. if that is how you spell boggeling, cause i dont think it is.

and you should see the stuff they drink! one description of this bottle of wine [and this is one of the more expensive bottles--its like $150] reads: blackberry and raspberry flavors, with hints of herbs, leather and earth" leather and earth?! i could blend my own blackberries and raspberries and add some dirt for a lot less than that. talk about gross. what would entice a person to drink that?
and then, theres the drunk thing, which is not actually appealing. on friday night at this wedding i was serving at, the mother of the bride threw up in the doorway of the womens bathroom. it was disgusting. and i didnt even clean it up. [ i dont do well with throw-up, you know.] and the bride was osovery drunk, too. when i get married, i want to actually be able to remember it, you know?
and then i have to worry about driving home, because i know that there were just 150 people at a wedding who are mostly drunk. and i dont want to die yet.

v.4> i made great works; i built houses.

"It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place." [--garden state]

i think most, if not all, people are homesick for a place that doesnt exist--at least on this planet at this time. we are not from this world, to paraphrase a friend [and probably a few other people.] but here we are. so: do we try to make the best of it--settle, if you will? [lots of people have told me to settle in these past few months. pretty sure thats not a good idea?] perhaps what we are looking for is right in front of our noses--we just have to stop or look long enough to see it. or do we keep looking? do we chase so hard after some thing, some place or ideal or time or person that will provide that feeling for us? i dont know; im inclined to think that it may be under our nose, if we stop to look for it, but we may have to move our nose around a little bit. cliche though it may be [and you know how i feel about cliches], i dont want to miss the trees for the forest. and i dont want to grow a wishbone where my backbone should be. [this is hard, sometimes, though.]

v. 7> i bought male and female slaves, and had slaves who were born in my house.

the other monday, we went to abraham lincoln's museum and stuff, and it was pretty much cool. i dont have a terribly strong opinion on lincoln either way [i mean, i really do like lincoln and im sad he died and stuff, although he probably would have anyway, but we came home and my littlest sisters and i watched gone with the wind. we decided that we are both northerners and southerners.] but it was a really great museum. the weirdest part was the wax figures. do you remember the weirdest reading rainbow episode where they showed how they make lifesized wax figurines? it was weird. and one time when i was like 7, my cousin and i watched this infomercial-ish special on TV about hair implantation. and it was weird. and later, whenever i watched the reading rainbow episode, i thought of that hair implantion special, cause making wax figuring hair is a lot like implanting it into people's heads. actually, i think both my cousin and i were scarred from watching that. but anyway, this museum had a lot of wax figurines, including a really creepy one of john wilkes booth, but the people that worked there told my parents to keep such a bunch of pretty girls like all of us away from him because he was known to be a womanizer. but mother did make us take pictures beside the lincoln family figurines, because she is trying to document our life.
anyway, i remembered what a lovely writer abe was, and here is the end of his second inagural, which is almost the best of them all. [but really you should read the rest, too, especially if you never have. it makes me think about things, and its so very gracious]: yet, if God wills that it continue until all the wealth piled by the bondsman's 250 years of unrequited toil shall be sunk, and until every drop of blood drawn with the lash shall be paid by another drawn with the sword, as was said three thousand years ago, so it must still be said: "the judgements of the Lord are true and righteous altogether.
with malice toward none; with charity toward all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the light, let us strive on to finish the work we are in;...to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves, and with all nations."

v.16> seeing in the days to come, it will have been long forgotten

sometimes i am a mess [especially when im packing], i think and in the past few years [especially with moving back and forth from school so much] i have lost some things that i really rather not have lost. i lost a teddy bear that i have had since before i was born. i lost a picture that my mother started when she was my age, and i finished. --to name a noteable few. the art of losing isnt hard to master? oh, it is hard to master. i am a stuff person and i miss my stuff [!] and i dont like to use stationary, because i want to save it for sometime when i might really need it. and i dont want to wear those shoes today, because its raining.
but what im so-slowly learning is that who even cares? i can get more stationary--probably some that is better if i want to--and the other person will be so happy to get a note on a cute little card. and who cares about these shoes? when else am i going to where them? and if they get ruined, i might not have needed them in the first place [or, i could get more, whichever comes first.] and who cares if all my sisters eat all the cookie dough in the batch of cookies im making? its funner that way, and i dont have to fuss at them, and cookies taste better when lots of hands have been in the dough, im convinced. if im not there exactly 5 minutes before something starts, it will be alright. if i dont get to that load of laundry today, the world will not end. and while im sad about my bear and picture: my mother is still around, so theoretically we could make another picture. and since i keep stuff, i might still have that pattern for the picture, and we could make that one again. and my sweet little sisters got me a bear that looks just like the last one to stand in.
no use holding on to stuff too-too tightly. your hands get all cramped. and its a lot less pressury if you dont.

v.17> for all is...a striving after the wind--

down in the valley, valley so low
hang your head over, hear the wind blow
hear the wind blow, love, hear the wind blow
hang your head over, hear the wind blow

[ oh, and he caught it from his cardinals.]

Posted: 6/18/06 5.41 p.m.

missinglike, pt. 2

2007-11-16T16:55:00.000-06:00

there are some people that i miss that i was expecting to miss: my friends, my aquaintences, a few select professors and a couple of people i worked with. here are some people i was not expecting to miss, but i do: brandon and blake--the quiznos boys that i always saw every time. they knew what sandwhich i liked and made it so good, and they knew that i got a discount. they were charming, even if i was with other boys [of course, they were charming if i was with girls, thats no big surprise.] i miss john mark, my old boss who was wonderful and whenever i saw him after i quit working there, he would give me hug and call me "beautiful" [although, that might have been because he forgot my name, but i dont think so.] and ask me how things were. he would also beg me to come back and work for him. i miss the library lady, judy. she was so sweet, and when i read my poetry, she told me she liked it and asked for a copy. i miss that cook at waffle house, who always told us all about it, and everything else. i was not expecting this.
i wonder what happens to people. i wonder what will happen to them--if john mark will finally marry that girlfriend he's had forever, and if wendy from work will ever get pregnant and how whitney's twins are doing now [they were sick when i left.] i wonder if brandon and blake will get "real"-er jobs and be so rich when they are older, and if judy is going to get to keep her job after all, despite the city cutting funding. i met a girl at work on tuesday, and i worked with her for 6 hours. yesterday, she moved to atlanta because she got a waitressing job down there. eventually, though, she plans on returning to peoria, having lost 60 pounds and gained a southern accent. the funny thing is, when she comes back, i still will have only known her for 6 hours.

the other day, i went to knitting class. it was lovely. my mother and sisters go every week, and i decided to join them, because who knows why. theres this lady from church who taught herself to knit when she was pregnant with her first child and now shes like 80 or something and a-mazing at this stuff, so she has like 20 girls over at her house during the course of the week and she teaches them how to do it too. it is charming. i decided to make a blanket. ive been wanting to for a while, but i could never find a pattern for one that i liked. but i think ive got one now, and i think its easy enough which means that i might not even quit before i finish. thats always the trouble, you know. i start something, but then its too hard, or i mess up or i just stop doing it. but the goal is to finish this one. golly, since i started knitting, i might as well start accumulating cats and buy a cute house on a street for me and my cats [except for i dont even like cats. if im going to be the crazycool old maid down the streets, i guess ill have to have birds or something instead.]. and in the summer, i plan to sell lemonade, for yarn money. can i just say, too, that not a single store in peoria has the color of green yarn that i want for my blanket? its sad.
oh, and speaking of cats and knitting, it was getting very tiresome telling all the people that ask what im going to do with my life, because at this moment, i have no idea, of course, and everyone asks that [stupid] question, you know, for who knows why. its like they expect you to know or something, and thats just ridiculous. so a friend suggested that i just tell whoever asks that i plan on finding a really rich man to marry, and that may shut them up for a while. and that idea was looking better and better until i was at church on sunday and i was waiting to tell this girl something, but she was already talking to a lady, and right when i got there, the lady had just found out that she was single and was setting her up. i mean she had a list of like 4 men that she was trying to give this poor girl who didnt know what to say of course, because getting set up can be a rather awkward experience. so i decided that maybe telling people that i wanted to get married to a rich guy may not be such a great idea around here, cause usually you could just say no to the guy because hes not rich, and thats one of your qualifications, [except for only if you dont like him. if you do, then who even cares about money. same with movies, or last name, or music or really anything that works.] but most guys around here are rich because they work for caterpillar and that means rich. and also, i didnt even know that people actually set people up like that [!], so there went that idea.

mostly i think that if i dont have at least one decent, real conversation with a real person about once a week, then i go absolutely crazy. im good all week by myself or whatever, but man, after that i am an unhappy girl. unless i get talked to. i enjoy being talked to [by interesting people. the second question to ask after if the boy is rich or not is whether he is interesting.]

i have so much more to say, but i seem to have gotten out of the habit of writing, and i am tired of it. i need to get back into that habit, goodness, i have got to be more disciplined. [and the habit of answering phone calls and emails, and not putting on my makeup in the car on the way to work and eating how i should] the trouble is, i cant start small--its either completely and totally disciplined or not at all, so its not at all. i have trouble doing things only partially though, and i dont know how to fix that problem. but i will have to write again soon, because i have all these little tidbits running around in my head that need a home like: did you know that first cousins can get married in illinois, if they are over the age of 50 [?]. and also, one shouldnt do yoga on the dalai lamas mat because you just shouldnt. okay?

Posted: 6.12.06 1:37 a.m.

something, im sure.

2007-11-16T16:40:00.000-06:00

so i have a new life goal: to become mrs. basil e. frankweiler. i bought a filing cabnet [retro, tan, $15 at walmart] and i have been filing and filing everything i even own. its amazing. [and im tired of filing already, but im quite sure ill like it again when im done]. of course when im like 80, think of all the things i will have filed by then, and i will have learned and heard and thought about all kinds of things--all the things in those files--, and thats a pretty weird thing to think of. right now, i am up to my ears in manilla file folders. its quite something.
::: if those files are secrets, and if secret make you different on the inside, then you insides, Mrs. Frankweiler. must be the most mixed-up, the most different insides i've ever seen. or any doctor has ever seen, either.:::
[i seem to have a lot of files, and i dont feel that different yet. hrm. maybe someday.]

and! i bought a chair. a perfecly lovely brown leather[ish? im pretty sure its not real leather]-with-wooden-arms/legs chair for $10 at a yardsale. its terribly sad that i do not have a house in which to put my files and my chair, and seeing as my car is still full of all my stuff, thats out too. well, i mean i have a house, but its not mine. i just live in it. you know.
[but i am rearranging my part of it.]

my pastor on sunday was sub-sub-pointedly talking about having a healthy soul. i wonder what that exactly consists of?

summer is so weird. its busybusy, but doing what? at the end of the day, i can hardly remember. maybe its the heat. i just feel more productive at school, maybe. and im scared because i dont think ive ever really written anything at home before. what if the only place i can write anything i can jackson? that would be really sad. i mean, what is it about a person, exactly, that makes them able to write and carry on conversations and be interesting and all of that? adrienne rich would say its because everybody is a lesbian on the inside and even the men cant avoid it, because they were born from mothers [or somesuch nonsense,] and thats where people get the creative impulse. [but--of course they were born from mothers; they can hardly help it, so that doesnt explain anything.] so i dont think thats quite right. maybe somthing about that part of the brain "where love and hunger meet" maybe, but im not so sure. there has to be something. maybe its just a gift, straight up.
and isnt it crazy that so many things mean. i mean, im not willing to go so far as to say that every single little kicked pebble that my sisters and i kicked when we were walking down the side of the street is vastly important in the grand scheme of things, [not that im saying that God didnt know about it and all of that.], and maybe if we could see, then it might mean for us. wouldnt it be crazy if we could see that deeply? and what if we had planned things out instead of God? i think i would see about making the order of seasons different every year, just for a change of pace. like one year it could be summer, spring, winter, fall. and then the next it would be summer, winter fall, spring.
maybe i shouldnt be in charge.
[i wonder what else i would change, if i was going to change things? i think im pretty content with things as they are?. i dont know.]
i planted flowers tonight, well, i planted flower seeds and can i just say that dirt is so pretty? i mean, im not a huge fan of dirt or anythintg, and i washed my hands right off, but it smells good. and its so dark and rich and full of possibility of life. i like it. and im excited about my flowers too: impatiens, coreopsis and cosmos. what names.

today i was filling out a job application and they asked me what kind of machinery i was able to opperate. what on earth did they mean? microwaves? alarm clocks? tractors? bulldozers? pluging in computers and driving cars? i had no idea. im not sure machinery is quite my thing. o well. but i really want a staple gun. i cant tell you how much. i have my tool box and everything, and its like my favorite thing ever, and i have two sets of jumper cables, and a glue gun, but i dont have a staple gun. and that is a serious problem, because you can do like everything with a staple gun. and come to think of it, i might be out of duct tape too; i know im out of scotch tape. boo.

ive decided i need a puzzle. a really great one. and i will glue it together when i am done.

here are some things that i like: sleeping, books, strawberries, lemon and fresh linen and freshly cut grass smells, canvas, inky pens, and porches. also, ceiling fans.

it always puzzles me to read people's xangas, and other things too, when they say something to the effect of "oh, i have nothing to say," because i always have something to say, even if i dont. but usually, i do, and then i talk my head off for a while and i still have more to say.
so all of this to say--something, im sure.

Posted 5/29/2006 10:56 PM - email it

and then, my car broke.

2007-11-16T16:30:00.000-06:00

::: right now, i have all matching hangers. white plastic, walmart. they cost like 4 cents. and most everyone i know has generally the same. i want to know when and how you get to the point where you cease to have matching hangers in life. i mean, how does that even happen? if i get to that point, i will be sad. im not too organized or anything, but the white hangers are something i can count on. :::

and then, just like that, i left them. i didnt think i was going to have room in my car [it was so full, sososo full.] and i put them in a trash bag and gave them away because i didnt think they would fit. the trouble is now, of course, i think they might have. there was nothing inside my trashcan [golly, i love my trashcan.] and i think they would have fit inside of it just perfectly. or at least perfectly enough to get home. but i didnt think i needed them; i thought that they were just hangers. i could get new hangers. it could be this great symbolic gesture or something. i dont know what i was thinking, actually.
needless to say, in about 5 minutes of driving, i suddenly realized that i was crazydumb for getting rid of them, and i want them back. im working on getting them back right now. i dont know what it is, really, cause i could go right now to walmart and get some that are exactly completely the same, but theres something about those. they are mine, and i want those. i imagine i sound like a 2-year-old about something so completely dumb as hangers, but there it is. i am traditional, maybe, if not sentimental, no matter how much i try to avoid that particular flaw.

and then my car broke. in st. louis. thankfully, happily, awkwardly, unconventionally [and probably even providentially], its fixed. [there are some things you can only laugh about, and this was one of them. but i dont even think it was really funny.] and when i was there, we went to the zoo. i got sooo sunburned, rode the train, and saw like 1000 animals, except for the lions. he was noooooowhere to be found, so i think he escaped. and also, the kangaroo wouldnt even hop one bit. i saw giraffes too, and we stood soo close to them. i was almost as tall as the newborn giraffe, and the grown ones are the tallest things ever. it was amazing. you can tell the girl elephants from the boy because they have bigger hips for real, which is funny, [among other reasons too, like males have tusks and girls dont. we were walking behind a couple of 6th grade [or so] boys near the asian elephant display [the african elephants were nowhere to be found either, but i dont think they were supposed to be there, unlike the lions, who were lost.] and the one boy wanted to know if the asian elephants had slanty eyes. ah. all those kids at the zoo were mostly cute and funny with all the animals, but i think 6th grade boys are something else, but also funny. so, you know.
the absolute weirdest thing i saw though was the giant anteater. ive heard about anteaters for all my life [born in texas, relatives are still there and everything.] and you just hear about anteaters. but this was the weirdest looking thing ive probably ever seen. it looked like an R.O.U.S. and the tail looked like it came from yankee doodle. it was insane, and i could not get over it. still cant.
and i like ducks. but if i were a bird, i dont know which one i would be. its hard to say.
what made me unhappiest of all [well, really the only thing that made me unhappy. the zoo is a happy place.] is all of these signs all over the zoo all about the endangered species, and thats okay. i mean, i have nothing against the endangered species, but i was just thinking of all of the people that die and stuff everyday. and they are doing so much to make sure that children know that some weirdo warthog or something might be going extinct, but they didnt say anything about the all the children that are dying everyday in africa. and i realize that its not the zoo's job to take up humanitarian causes, but i just thought those priorities were a little misplaced, or so.

books on tape are a marvelous invention. it occured to me that i dont acually know how to write a cover letter, and i need to learn. i have a drastic poem revision in my head, but it hasnt come to anything useful yet. you know, ive only been home for maybe 28 hours and already ive had to tell people that im not going to be a teacher, and that i dont know what im doing, but maybe sometimes i know where commas go and i can sometimes write a poem. its depressing. poetry is not highly valued, really, which makes the prospects of things a little dreary. but if there were two classes that i was super glad i took this semester it was 1) poetry and 2) reading out loud class. i was reading a wrinkle in time to my sisters tonight, which is lovely anyway, but i felt rather confident in doing the voices and such. and the best thing is, you dont even have to be drastic to do that, just a little change does the trick for simple reading out loud. performing is different, of course. but its so much fun! reading outloud is lovely [when you dont trip over all the words] and being read to is lovely, it makes you hear [no pun intended] things in a completely different way.
anyway, one of the quotes in the book i was listening to on the way home said something like "you know, we're all crazy. everybody. and we flatter ourselves to think we are the only ones who are crazy." and sometimes, i believe that[!] but sometimes, i wish people would be a little more crazy. just so i dont think im not the only one. maybe its just that the crazy people all live in different towns, and mostly just normal people live here, but i dont know. i think my parents think im crazy for wanting crazier people to talk to, but its something i cant quite explain. and there i am flattering myself, thinking that im crazier [in whatever sense of the word that i am, im not sure.] than everyone here. and im sure thats not acually the case, because it cant be the case. and then i feel all dumb and completely irrationally not to mention unnecessarily arrogant i wish i was 834 smidgins more insighful into the human psyche.

for like the 19834123 time, it seems like i had something else i was going to say, but i forget what else, except for now its time to unpack, and try to get even almost settled. i have all these ridiculous goals: do pilates or something / lose 6 pounds. subscribe to magazines that will remind/inspire me. read a million books. organize. simplify. pray. find something to wear. be able to paint the nails on my right hand as easily as i can the ones on my left. brush up on my spanish--as in be able to hold a real live conversation with someone. learn enough french to get by if i went to paris. remember how to cook. get my resume and portfolio in order. invest in some handkerchiefs. get my hangers back. buy manilla envelopes and stamps. buy some scotch tape. goodness knows i need it.
i feel like i should do something useful, and have big, important goals: change the world or something. then again, i know about commas and poems. so, nevermind. silly goals it will be then. and then if.and.or.when i manage to do something not absolutely ridiculously silly, it will be a surprise. a happy one. and who doesnt like surprises?

currently reading: she's come undone / wally lamb [audio books]

Posted 5/23/2006 11:26 AM

missinglike

2007-10-30T20:11:00.001-05:00

this is not the time to be squeamish about throwing things away. i have all these ambitious thoughts about being such a good packer, and i dont have to leave anything here and all of that. needless to say, i dont think thats going to happen. i am a terrible packer and i like to keep things. i think my goal for the rest of my life is going to have to be throwing away one thing every day that i thought i needed to keep. a few minutes ago, i decided that i should only take home what can fit in my car, but i cant see that working out. 11th grade english has once again come to haunt me--"simplify, simplify, simplify." geh.
oh, i have lots of goals lately. by this time two years from now, i want to have been or on my way to europe. of course, before i do that, ill need a laptop, i think. so i can write things down faster. so theres another goal. [gah, and then theres the question of whether i should get a mac or PC. at this point, im pretty much adapted to either one, so i really really dont know. i am torn.] although, the thought of visiting europe is puzzling--do you go lots of places because its cheap, and youre in europe for heavens sakes, and you ought to go everywhere you can while you can? or do you stay relatively put for a couple of weeks and really get a feel for whichever city you chose? i dont know. i would imagine that i would start out intending to stay in one place and then when i get there i would realize and then go everywhere.

i have my summer reading list all started, and i cant wait to read them. i think i will start ballet lessons again. but i might wait until fall, so i can still take vacations and stuff. maybe i will take a roadtrip. i have been getting a lot of rocks in my flipflops lately. i dont know how that works out. i dont have any scotch tape either. i dont know how that works out. i need to remember that throwing things away is not bad. its good. i need to not be scared of remembering. and i need to remember the right kinds of things. and: if anyone wants to come help me pack, i will not be opposed.

i am so so very afraid of having no friends once i go home. and this time, im stuck there, for at least a while, so its not like i can just be like "o well, no friends for summer. lucky for me i'll have them in the fall again" because im mostly sure i wont be back?, except for here and there. and i know that i will talk to my friends that i already have and stuff and i have my best friends from highschool there, but they are busy and i dont see them that much. there really is just something to be said for people who can keep up and who are on the same wavelength. and are in the same place. so if you want to be my friend in illinois, i will let you and it will be happy. and if you want to be my friend on IM or email or whatever, please feel free.! i will still be happy; im a word girl. and ill probably even talk to you and write back, even if i dont know you. unless you're creepy. then, maybe not so much.
oh, and i will miss my own space. and going places when i want to and if i feel like eating hotfudge for dinner, then eating it for dinner. you just can do those things at home sometimes. and i will miss being alone. i mean, i am alone at home sometimes, but it is a different kind of alone. im not sure i can explain exactly.
now that i have completed 4 years of college, i have everything i need--if i were to come back in the fall, i wouldnt have to buy curtains or hangers or nails or a chair or any of those annoying things that you need and should have and dont at the beginning of every semester. but i dont need them anymore. and thats sad. but i feel dumb getting rid of them because of its mine, and it goes with me. you know?
right now, i have all matching hangers. white plastic, walmart. they cost like 4 cents. and most everyone i know has generally the same. i want to know when and how you get to the point where you cease to have matching hangers in life. i mean, how does that even happen? if i get to that point, i will be sad. im not too organized or anything, but the white hangers are something i can count on.

and let me just say that i have a thing for boxing. im not sure if i would really like it if i went to go see an actual boxing match or something, but that one book i read about boxing? i loved it. and i watched a movie about it the other day, and it was really lovely too. [i think now would be the time to watch his boxing movie, because now i can appreciate it. boxing, like writing and loving and so many other things, comes from the inside out. you have to keep your eyes open and move quickly. you have to stay on your feet. most of all, you have to watch, with your eyes open and then let it come up from deep inside of you.
"i learned three important things in college: to use a library, to memorize quickly and visually, to drop asleep at any given time given a horizontal surface and fifteen [two?] minutes. what i could not learn was to think creatively on schedule." ah, no matter. i will keep writing, i suppose. and when i get home, im going to start sending out manuscripts.

i dont feel like ive changed enough to leave.
but there will be leaving. i mean, some people come to college and grow up. they know what they want to do and they get married and stuff. im not getting married and i still dont know quite what im doing. i forgot how to write academic papers mostly, and i can almost write poems, but one should never go to into debt to become a poet. [lets just pause and say that i have never known a mr. rogers that i didnt love. this mr. rogers, and probably the last one, changed my life and the way i write and everything.] so, im not really sure what i accomplished, really. i dont feel like im done growing, which, of course, im not. but i wish i felt a little more comfortable and settled with how im turning out. theres so much i want to be and do and see and write and tell.

if i have left you without saying goodbye, its because i dont know what to say, and i hate to cry. not because i dont want to. and this ways its more like see you later. and thats happier. and really, i dont know what to say. i feel like there are so many things i should say, but i dont know what they are.

i want chocolate milk and waffle house and i want to cuddle and watch a good movie. and i didnt mean for this to be all weird or whatever. im not terriblyterribly sad, per se, [just a little] but mostly just unsure and kindof wobbly. and something clever will come soon, maybe?

yes, i will miss this. and you.

Posted 5/19/2006 2:55 PM

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

2007-10-23T13:32:00.000-05:00

"ARGHHH!!!
i wish i had the superpower to disappear.
but, alas, i cannot! i am but a mere mortal! and what then when a person is thrown around by life's cruel intentions? will we not drown in the depths of such madness? wail about in the clear, sticky web, spun by some egomaniacal force? are we not all hidden in this veil of mortal ignorance? we are all different--so are we not all the same? are we but dreamers in a container of liquid nitrogen--freezing in a binary machine of infinirt inferiority?! this dream is never-ending! this conversation never happened! all that exists is the english* exam! my life is nothing after the bubbles are darkened!
the caveat is the textbook--her eyes stab into the gray brain of illogical conclusions. and who then will solve life's mysteries--the reports floating in cyberspace, the news-bits in the ten-second media blitz that derives forbidden pleasure from economic meltdowns and the unforeseen destruction of foreign economic policy??are we not men and women who deny this marshmallow-world, with all of its mushy truth--its own self-absorbed bitterness that falls like a single tear, with majesty as ephemeral as a swan floating on its own reflection?!?!?!??!???
answer me! for the truth, i must know! in all of its unknowable-glory! so i can die--a happy girl!* will i not know? can i know? or will these truths forever escape me like a mink hiding in a foxhole. had we only the patience, an understanding, could we know such things--but patience does not exist. there exists nothing but single moments that live and die. and tuesday* was* my 18th century drama* final.* and after thursday* will be the end of the world. but until then i exist to study. after thursday* will be the end of the world! make peace with God. make peace with nature, for the truth will set everyone free!
good day!"

p.s words followed by a star [*] may be substituted for applicable word of choice.

Posted 5/16/2006 6:28 PM

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

2007-10-23T13:12:00.000-05:00

so, um, i ate some caterpillar tonight. you dont have to tell me. im awesome. [but just sometimes.]

Posted 5/2/2006 10:13 PM

sugar and toast, justice and grace

2007-10-22T17:46:00.000-05:00

i confess because i am embarrassed and sad: i did not do the global commute last night.
i went to see JB instead [which was reallyreally lovely, and i learned things and was inspired]. but in my head, i was walking for them. i was. and that doesnt do a lot, i realize. but i am still learning how to care, so be patient with me next time, i will walk. and in the meantime, i will make myself look, to remember.

you know, its funny coming from a southern baptist background, and then leaving it when i was a sophomore in highschool. i learned some things, and there is a world outside of the convention. but then for college, i came back to it. bleh. and i remembered that i am glad i left it. and then i had ethics, and the principles of that class mostly changed how i think about things, and i am glad. except for i cant reconcile them. i cant make taking care of "the least of these" reconcile with my good republican, baptist belief that welfare is hardly ever the solution and that those people have to get jobs and such, because that is the way to help them. i cant make things make sense like that. the one person i asked at home lectured me about the social gospel something or other, which is not what i meant at all. i just want to know if there is, in fact, a way to love the least of these in the way that we ought and have a strong economy and maintain the strength of the Gospel.

hmmm, in other news: im still very busy. on friday i got an email that said "hey, how about that thesis?" and i said uh-oh. just like my parents told me i would. but i thought it would be okay since i wrote like 20 pages of it already [during break!] but, alas, it will not be okay. because i am a perfectionist and i do not have time. poems it is, then. --dont get me wrong, not poems because they are easier, because they are not. poems are always harder than prose. and they may be harder, but at least they are shorter. and at this point, i would rather race the 5 year old up the street running full speed than jog/walk a marathon.

i am irritated that some decisions just come down to getting married or not. i was talking to my mother the other day about grad school, and we came to the conclusion that if i married someone [rich] then i could go get my masters in creative writing, because that is the most impractical thing probably ever. and if i didnt get married [to someone rich] then i probably should get a masters in library science so i could get a job. and while we were not exactly serious about the rich part, it would make the decision easier, i think.
[my mother is funny. and i was glad for my parents this week.]
[dont get me wrong: i want to get married and i want 8 kids and everything] but im in no hurry. i think there are things to do first.? like homework. and other stuff. now, if the boy would sit with me and remind me that i should be doing homework, that would be something.
someone told me this week that i should maybe consider settling, because no one ever likes you as much as you want. i disagree. at least, i hope i disagree.
and none of this is set in stone, mind you. tomorrow, it will probably be completely different in my head. i almost decided not to write this stuff down, because gah! one just doesnt talk about marriage--its messy and because its bound to just make more messes and make people [myself included] worry about things that we shouldnt worry about because there are better things to worry about--not more important things, just, at this moment, better. but i think its the "almost-graduating-and-not-almost-married" syndrome that is effecting even me. and i swore it wouldnt. bother. but o well, here it is. [and apparently, its normal anyway?] i decided that since my mind can be changed, theres less harm in writing down todays opinions.
but here is my new irrational fear from this past week: i really dont want to marry someone who is perfect. or even someone who is almost perfect. and i know that technically i dont have to worry about that, because no one is, but there are people who think they are almost perfect. and i just cant keep up with that. so i say no. and im allowed to do that. hurrah.
bleh! enough of that, at least for now.

oh. poetry. i never thought in a million years that i would be writing it.
i like peas.
i dont like centeredness. [self or otherwise]
i do like thick skin and consistency and people who can carry on conversations and the people who you can get a hold of when you need them.
im forgetting how to write academically, and i think thats almost a problem. but also, im okay with it as long as i dont fail something.
and isnt it weird that sometimes, even when people are the exact same age as you, you feel way younger, and sometimes, even when they are older or younger, you feel the exact same age as them.
the song moon river is probably one of the only things in the world that just makes me want to write when i hear it.
p.s. if anyone wants to read any poems this week, i will let you. and you can tell me exactly what you think about them, and you can be perfectly honest and i wont even cry. i will probably give you a cookie.
isnt it something how we hurt each other when we dont even mean to? and then sometimes, someone does something that helps tremendously, but they dont even know it.
my car broke, but it was fixed for only 10 dollars. happy sigh.
the thing im excited most about this summer is getting to read again. i forget how much i really just love to read. but the first thing im doing when i get home besides sleeping is watching sound of music. and thats that.

once, when i was eleven or so, i thought i grasped the concept of God outside time. just for a moment. i remember it really clearly. i was talking with my best friend about it and i just stopped because i was thinking so hard about it and i almost understood. and then, after a just half a moment, it was lost again and i was confused again.
last night, for just a moment, i almost understood again. not specifically God outside time, but other things--being real [that ever vague, ever lusted after term], choosing how to choose [to borrow the phrase], and what matters in life [priorities are not my strong suite].
and it only lasted a minute again, but still. its strange.

sometimes, you just want some toast, you know?
yesterday, i had the hiccupps and i took a teaspoon of sugar, and it worked.
also, this morning apparently the fire alarm went off, and i slept right through it. i have serious problems. people have always told me that if there ever were a fire and the alarms went off i would wake up, but it went off this morning [for who knows why, there was no fire.] and i definately slept through it. so, please. if you are ever in the same building/ room/ whatever with me and theres a fire, wake me up. pretty please?

currently playing: glycerine // bush

Posted 4/30/2006 3:41 PM

not exaggurating.

2007-10-22T17:43:00.000-05:00

the past week[ish] [and i am not exaggurating]:

-- my greatgrandmother passed away
-- my parents and littlest sisters came to see me and we ate and stuff. it was good
and fun.
and i heard funny stories.
-- had about 47156 meetings
-- worked 25 hours.
-- slept for 25 hours [9 of those on a couch somewhere]
-- was in the DMS lab for 40+ hours
-- in class for 10 hours
-- skipped 3 classes [so i could be in the DMS lab]
-- made a Torch [mostly with her and him. they are pretty much my favorites.
and i feel kindof lost without them now.
times square dance forever]
also: it will be printed in two weeks, and you can all see it. its beautiful. and im
not kidding.
-- been to the printers. twice.
-- also, got lost on the way there.
-- argued with the DMS printer a lot of times.
-- learned how to use InDesign a lot better than i did before
-- edited my eyes out.
-- laughed a bunch.
-- co-wrote the best editorial [in Torch history.]
-- i think i took some showers?
-- i may have eaten. i know i did eat some grapes and reese's peanutbuttercup
eggs and cheeze-its one time. and a waffle once.
-- broken 6-7 peoples hearts probably.
-- spun around a million times in the DMS chairs.
-- watched the sun come up 3 times
-- listened to some really good music.
-- been really mad a few times.
-- watched a lady shuffle papers for an hour.
-- learned about copyright law. and acupuncture points.
-- thought about a lot of things
-- i have not understood some things, but people wont explain.
-- wrote a poem
-- was embarrassed at least 3 times
-- decided about graduation, etc.
-- went to klemata
-- answered emails
-- made and answered a million phone calls
-- lost my favorite pair of earrings, and then bought a new pair for a dollar and
then found the old ones.
-- gotten [the real kind of poked] about 326 times.
-- and also, i stubbed my toe, and got a scratch on my finger.

i forget what else. mostly i just ran around like crazy like a chicken. and now i am sleepy. but satisfied, i think. and alive. hum.
real thoughts later, i promise.

currently playing: fast car
Posted 4/23/2006 12:08 AM

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

2007-10-22T17:41:00.000-05:00

i am running around. like a chicken.

currently playing: death cab for cutie
Posted 4/11/2006 12:11 PM

[the world offers itself to your imagination]

2007-10-22T17:36:00.000-05:00

it has been an unexpected week. my goodness. not that i didnt expect this week to happen, because i did. but unexpected things happened this week. you know.

my blinds are open, and its so windy. its making lots of noises. but just now i gave up and opened them. it makes my room hot because it is hot outside, but i like to let the nighttime in. even if i dont have my woods and drunk men anymore.
here is a poem that i do not entirely agree with, because maybe you should be good and repent sometimes, but it meant something to me this week, regardless:

wild geese
you do not have to be good.
you do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
you only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
tell me about dispair, yours, and i will tell you mine.
meanwhile, the world goes on.
meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the praries and the deep trees,
and the mountains and the rivers.
meanwhile, the whold geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

this week was confusing. things that are fine, were not fine and things that should not be fine, were. and things were weird, and backwards, and one minute i was feeling one way, and the next completely another. not even like mood swings, cause thats not what they were, just something else. and i couldnt decide if i am how i am supposed to be [not how i want to be, mind you. but rather: maybe i shouldnt write? maybe my hair should be longer? maybe i should move to new zealand? or give blood? maybe.maybe.maybe-s all over the place.] and i dont know what i mean by that really, but there it is. and i know where who i am ought to be found, of course, but that is hard, and im not really sure exactly what it means in real life. all i know is what they say in sunday school, and im not sure that always translates neatly, or even at all. although it should.[!]

lucky for me, internet quizzes exist for just this reason.
my inner hair color is brunette ["you are mysterious and alluring]. i am a converse shoe ["because you like them and look good in them."] i am pocahontas ["mysterious."] if i were a sharpie, i would be turquoise ["follow the rainbow next time you see it."] if i were a constellation, i would be cygnus, the swan. ["you're the elegance and grace of the constellations"] i should be a comic writer ["you have plenty of material"], and i am mud pie ["perfect combination of flavor and depth."] isnt it funny how these things are never like "congratulations! you suck as a person, and at life. most people hate you. 838733 took this quiz. 2% of people got this result" they are always complimentary. but not always wrong, i dont think. for example, i got this result for one of them: "Your inner self has really nice eyelashes, and you know a good wink is worth a thousand words. Emoticons bug you, because ; ) is such a poor substitute for the real thing." and thats true! [well, i dont hate them, i just do think the real thing is super much better.] and i do have a thing for mascara.
alright i just wasted 35 minutes of my life taking quizzes for the purposes of this paragraph. well, i took one for fun, and then i got addicted. you know. but still 35 minutes wasted. just like that time i watched titanic. gag me with 69 spoons.

one thing i want to know is when its okay to talk about things and process things and work through things, and when they just need to be buried, or let go or both. it cant be healthy to keep everything inside all the time and stuff, but at the same time, whats the use of dragging it all out and everything until you feel sure that you are "over it" and all of that?

last week was national sleep awareness week. i dont think i was aware enough. at all.
but apparently i should do more things when i just wake up, because your brain is all clear. thats when i need to write my thesis. ah hah!

i need to think of more things. in the real way. and read more.
i ran around in the tornado rain last night. i got wet.

"in my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that i've been turning over in my mind ever since. 'whenever you feel like criticizing any one,' he told me, 'just remember that all the people in this world havent had all the advantages that you've had."
i thought of the beginning of gatsby this week because in my group that i was leading there was a girl who said she had just gotten married so her nametag wasnt right anymore. and then, in the middle of the session i was conducting, it hit me that she was a junior in highschool [meaning probably 16 years old], pregnant and she just got married. and it just hit me crazy weird. i mean, she can barely even drive a car, and here she is tackling two of the biggest things in life. and plus highschool. and thats something completely different. i cant imagine getting married right now and i am 21, let alone pregnant. eventually? absolutely. but not just yet. and i was impressed at her, and sorry for her and mad at me all at once because i was ungracious in my mind when she was being difficult. when really, it was expected--she was pregnant and all. i am rarely what i mean to be.

nevermind, i dont know what im saying, exactly.
maybe i should eat a cookie [rolie-polie-snickerdoodles [what a name! but they are osogood]] and go to sleep. yes.

Posted 4/2/2006 8:50 PM

the most talented jugglers

2007-10-22T17:24:00.000-05:00

[ sad, romantic, gross.
what more do you need?
[besides a ham and cheese.] ]

yesterday, i went to a "business"ish dinner. and sometimes these dinners are not so business-y and then they are pretty fun but yesterday i felt like a real adult and i dont know how im going to acutally survive, cause it was soo boring. and they were all in suits and stuff, and i was in blue jeans and sparkly shoes. o well. no one could see my pants when i sat down, i suppose. but by the rule of 14, which is this clever little thing that i found from like 1950 to tell you if you are appropriately dressed [under 7--underdressed. 7-14--approrriately dressed; higher for dressier of course and over 14 points means that you are overdressed. and it tells you all how to count it up and everything] but anyway, if you go by that, i was fine because i had 9 points. so ha.
but anyway, it was so boring, except when my little end of table just talked amongst ourselves. i sat by interesting people, who were talktoable, which i love when you can really talk to people about whatever you want--love, people, God, weirdest stories ever, and whatever eles. [and i love it when they are imperfect, too] and its the thing to do to ensure survival, i guess. i liked that part. and there was good food, that i didnt have to pay for. i also liked that part, muchly.

i was surprised again today about how much things come back to the simplest of things: captain crunch cereal [my second favorite.]. grammar [necessary, good.]. love [people, things.] and stuff like that.

[ every person i get to meet
a country of rivers
and extravagant palaces ]

so ive been thinking that human beings are pretty much amazing when you think about it because we do so much, and we keep track of so much. example: last time i looked [which was a while ago, admittedly, because i just dont care about facebook, really.] i had something like 200ish friends altogether. [and im sure thats on the low end of number of facebook friends for people. i dont even do anything with facebook.] so, maybe i have more friends now, even. this means that i have some sort of relationship with all of them. and i can keep all of that straight in my head: i know who i like better, and who its okay to talk to when im upset, and who likes certain types of movies and what peoples majors and middle names and hometowns are and all of the conversations ive had with that person and everything that comes along with knowing someone. and thats only the people on facebook! theres all the xanga people that ive met and havent met that i have relationships, of sorts with, and then theres all the friends of friends that i know and know of and all the people in real life [with neither xangas or facebooks or anything] that are just regular adults and then my actually good real friends and then doctors and dentists and all of my relatives and grandparents friends, and people that knew me when i was a baby and parents college friends and their children and the kroger boys who work at night that i see frequentlyish, and the people that i interview for newspaper and such, and professors, and classmates and neighbors and just those people that you know for who knows why.
[and then theres all that other stuff in our brains too, like facts and directions and just things that we dont even think about.]
i mean, i might know 1500 people or more! and i have a unique history with each one of them. and i probably dont even know that many people.
and that is amazing unto me.
and if every single person is a bowling pin or something, then we
are the most talented jugglers the circuses will ever hope to see.

i am unsettled, i think. and things still happen, whether im ready for them or not. and some things are just weird.
but hugs are good and so is nose smushing and cookie mush. these are my favoritest things lately, you know.

my professor said today that we must rehearse until it looks like we havent rehearsed at all and its completely spontaneous.
maybe its that way with prayer and writing and trusting and loving too? its hard to say, but maybe.

there is more, but not right now.

currently playing: joseph arthur // honey and the moon

Posted 3/28/2006 8:02 PM -

mmmmkay.

2007-10-22T17:19:00.000-05:00

isnt it a nice feeling on the first afternoon of break? that i made it--i think[?] and then you do something lovely or really just anything that isnt what you are trying to escape from just to prove to yourself that you really did make it, and you remember that you did, and you are happy. now if i can just make it through the rest of everything, which i might not, i suppose. i would almost rather not, it would be rather tragically romantic, wouldnt it? but actually, its because then i have to do something after it, and heaven knows what that is. i suppose its kindof like on big fish, which i watched yesterday: it would be a little helpful to know how you die because then you would know that you could make it though everything else. but we dont have that luxury, so we just have to trust.
------------------------

here is a question about microwaves: if you want something to cook for 98 seconds, when you type that in, does it automatically make it into 1min38seconds? or does it understand 98 seconds? is this universal on all microwaves? i would try it on ours, but it seems to be in a rather perilous state, lately.

and also, if january is waffle time, march is granola bar time. the fudge-dipped chocolate chip kind. which totally defeats the point of the granola, but o well!
---------------------------

i am packing right now for spring break. tomorrow at eight in the morning, my family and i will leave for florida. since it is fiveishoclock in the morning right now, i will probably not go to sleep, and then sleep for nine hours in the car tomorrow. it will be fun.
i decided that one of the reasons i am not a good packer is because i allow for entirely too many possibilities, and also, i overestimate. for example, right now im thinking things like "sure, i can read 12 books, and write a thesis this week, no problem." and "probably all of this unexpected stuff will happen, so i should pack something to wear for every occassion, plus the regular stuff" but probably nothing will happen, and i will wear jeans and tshirts the whole time, and i sure as heck wont get 12 books read, maybe just one and a half or 4. but what can i do but bring them anyway? just in case? maybe,maybe,maybe.
-----------------------------------

speaking of books:
i cant decide if i should write in books or not. elisabeth elliot doesnt, and she carries some weight. she is why i currently dont, actually. but lots and lots of people, do. and lots and lots of people carry weight too. i like the idea of not marking up my books, so i get new things out of them every time i read them. but i also see the importance and necessity of writing everything down. so i dont know. i think my favored option at this moment in time is to write the notes on paper, and then stick them in the back of the book. best of both worlds, maybe?

if you write/publish just one book, but its really awful, does that make you an author?

and why is it that people insist on putting things like "the rhetoric and poetics of aristotle" or cicero or plato for their favorite books?! this could only mean 3 things: 1) they are so poorly read that they dont know anything better. and i know that those guys are terribly important in the world, and they probably changed the shape of world history and all of that, but really. there are some other really amazing things to read that dont cause you to fall asleep after the first 3 paragraphs. and why they picked those to read if they werent going to read anything else, i dont know. 2) so, if they have read everything else, and those really are their favorites: this means they are really boring.[!] or ought to be the president of MENSA or something. i dont know. probably both. and 3) they really dont like these books, and maybe they havent even made it through them yet, but they think people will think they are smart and cool if those are their "favorites." and thats just pathetic. and ridiculous. [note to self: write down thoughts about imperfection very soon. this is important.]
or maybe they really like them? its always a possibility, however vague, i guess. hrm.
---------------------------

also, i want to know about ideas: are they person-specific? like if thomas jefferson didnt manage to invent the lightbulb for whatever reason, would someone else have done it eventually, because we were destined to have lightbulbs around? or would we just never have had them, and they would have altered the course of history, or whatnot.
and if adam and eve had never sinned, would someone else have instead?

i was thinking about ernest hemingway the other day, and hes very sexy of course, but how awful it would be to be the "lost generation." awful in the big romantic way, you know. they were totally encompassed by 2 huge wars, and a nearly international depression [i think?] and stuff, and then they set themselves in paris, where the town itself and the culture and history is nearly overpowering,especially back then. and then all of your accomplishments and friends and thoughts and possessions would just be gone. like all of ours will be, but they get the title. and ours is more individual. theirs was a whole generation, and therefore more tragic. [which im sure is a wrong mindset for me to have. if hitler only killed one jew, it would still be tragical. well, im not sure. hrm. 6 million-plus might be even more tragical. hard to say.] so perhaps thats why they wrote--to remember. there is a lot to remember. and a lot to know, and see and learn and appreciate and love.

and heres something else: i realize that everyone is special, and made in the image of God, and we have intrinsic worth and all of that. so: why, then, can some people turn albert einstein and mother teresa and others like them, and some people turn into hitler or child molestors or something? and how come the rest of us are just normal, average people? is it circumstances, or training, or just whats inside of you? and how come some people are interesting, and some people you want to be bestest friends with, and some people you just dont? why are some people boring? i mean, at least theoritically, everyone should be interesting, at least a little. so i dont know.
but it is nice to be reminded about why we need each other.

and isnt it wonderful how we take things from each other: an idea from a presentation, a joke from an aquaintence, a laugh from someone down the hall, a book, the music in the background, a conversation with a friend, a prayer at a meal, a hug. and we take these things, and just let them be a part of us and its ours--like little presents for us everyday--and then it just joins into us and becomes part of who we are and we are bigger and better or maybe even worse for it. its so cool.
--------------------------

ive been listening to this:
moon river, wider than a mile, im crossing you in style
someday. o dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going, im going your way. two
drifters off to see the world.
theres such a lot of world to see.
we're after the same rainbows end, waitin' 'round the
bend. my huckleberry friend, moon river and me.

mmm. what more is there to say? [until tomorrow, or something]

Posted 3/20/2006 5:36 AM

the courage to be imperfect.

2007-10-22T17:15:00.000-05:00

so, the womens fashion industry is rather completely illogical.

{[one of] the proof[s]:} so last week, i was getting ready to go home to go to this wedding, and im freaking out because i have nothing to wear, of course [because at this stage in my life, i shop rather from event to event rather then having set and defined wardrobe possibilities and going from there.] and im freaking out, at least a little because its a goodfriend from highschool and college's wedding, so who even knows who all will be there, [probably everyone] so i probably ought to look at least decently alright, just on principle. so i piddle around stores for ages and ages and finally i found this great navy dress--and its great!, and a pretty good deal and great--and so i bought it, and looked at accessories for a minute, found a $8 handbag that i could modify to be really cute, and it went with the dress, and the shoes i thought i might wear that i already owned. so i was set, with time to spare. and i called my mother to share the good news, and she said that i absolutely couldnt wear burgendy shoes with navy. ladies didnt do that, we wear navy shoes with navy clothes. i told her that i had been shopping for like a week and there were no navy shoes in the entire city, and i made her ask the ladies who were at our house when i called what color shoes they suggested, and they all said navy. i said thats silly, what i have looks great. but then the ladies said they were going to bring me all their navy shoes so i could see them [i think i have a talent for letting everyone share in all my disasters with me. see list below]. so i get home and i look at them and they are all hideous, and old women shoes, and i said this wont do at all. im wearing burgendy shoes. and my father said i will not allow you to go out of the house like that, you'll look ridiculous. and i said but daddy you wear budgendy shoes when you wear a blue suit. im wearing them. the end.
but then, they decided that i should go look at one more shoe place just in case, but i had to go in the morning when they opened. i was there right when they opened, and there were no navy shoes of course, and then i saw 3 people from highschool working there and then i locked my keys in my car and i wasnt even dressed yet, and i only had like half an hour to the wedding, and daddy had to come rescue me and i had to runrunrun to finish getting ready in 4 minutes, and i wore the burgendy ones. and i looked pretty or something.
and then the next day at church, daddy wore a navy suit and he wore burgendy shoes. and i said see.

so the point is that if one clothes company is going to make something so specific as navy or fuschia or whatever, then maybe they should check to see that there is something to go with it. and also, there should be a book or something that has all the possibilities for coordination with each color. so that way, a girl would know once and for all if it is permissible to wear, for example, gold or silver or pearls with said navy, and what shoes really do match. and all of that without having to consult mother and mothers friends and roommates and sister and sisters roommates and random women in the store, and the store clerks everytime you want to wear something. it would really save a lot of time. {end proof.}

although, let me just say that im beginning to be impressed with my sewing skills. i have no sewing skills to speak of, actually, but this is the second dress that i have bought because i have loved it, but it didnt fit quite right somewhere. so i altered them.[!] and you cant even tell! be impressed, cause i sure am.

in other news, and im not even that great with grammar and spelling and such, [goodness, today i cant spell to save my life.] but here is one thing that i have recently noticed that really is obnoxious [not like i cant stand it, because i have a superhigh tolerence level, but still!]: when someone is talking or writing [actually, this seems to happen on IM a lot] and they leave out the verb, but include the subject, which is very often the understood you. so it goes from: "are you going to watch that movie on TV tonight?" to "you going to watch that movie on TV tonight?" and im not entirely sure why, but goodness, that really grates on my nerves. they should just type out the whole thing. come on, its three more letters. but i mean, if they are going to be lazy enough to leave out the are, then they should also be lazy enough to leave out the you, making the sentence read "going to watch that movie on TV tonight?" which is perfectly understandable and nice just as it is. also, it shows a certain amount of confidence in the reader, because you, then, are assuming that they can understand that yes, they are being referred to in that understood kind of sense. gah. and maybemaybe thats just personal preference, and its really perfectly correct. but i dont know.
but of course, i need to brush up on my sentences, because i keep ending my sentences with them on accident.

the world is funny. on my way home, i saw a buffalo herd in alamo, TN, and a giant truck full of pigs, and a hugehuge statue of an elephant, and then a couple hours later, theres one of a chicken. and then theres this "lady of the snows" shrine somewhere, and i havent seen it, but theres all of these signs for it all the time, and i really want to go see it, cause what even is that? its weird and stuff. if i was going to be a lady of something, i wouldnt pick snow. and i pass practically right under the st.louis arch, and i know how it works, but its just crazy that it really does. and people are funny.
and then theres a its funny how we surprise each other; its funny how i surprise myself. i keep learning these new things about how i am, and operate, and such, and i keep being surprised, but i dont know why cause its just the same as i used to be too.
and apparently people are not like me. and i realized this, of course, and everyone is different, and i knew that, but i thought that some things, at least, were universal, but apparently not. that surprises me. and it surprises me which things are universal for real instead. but im not sure if this makes sense.
also, sometimes i drive myself crazy. but sometimes i like me too. most days its a mix.

i feel behind today. probably because i am. thursdays are happy days, because even if you are behind, soon you can catch up. and i get so mad at myself that when theres a lot to do, i flip out and just sit, or run around in circles. both of which are stupid and nonhelpful and irritating. thank heavens for my roommate, who told me one thing at a time. which is, of course, exactly what i need to remember.! i actually need to buy a timer, too. and also, that there are more important things than school, and dying and everything. goodness, how many things are important to me that i forget about on a daily basis.
so im going to make browines today. that will help, probably. and! apparently though, i look like i need hugs, cause ive gotten a lot lately, for no apparent reason. [sometimes boys are just sweet. sometimes obnoxious as heck, etc.etc. but sometimes they are so sweet.] and im not complaining; ill take them, the hugs, i mean.

heres a happy thought for a rainy day [courtesy of AIM]:
me: i dont think you'll melt ;)
him: i hope not
me: it would be tragical i think, and a really weirdo way to die
him: i believe so
me: could they bury you? or if you melted, would you leave a puddle behind, or would it be more along the disolving lines?
him: i doubt it. i'd probably leave a puddle, but if it was raining hard, i think it would all wash away
me: oh, that would be sadder
me: but then!
me: you would evaporate, and then you could go to china or soemthing
me: or someone would drink you chemically distilled and such, if they even do that over there.

[i told my mother something like that just the other day. she did not find it as amusing as i did.] but it sortof reminds me of the steadfast tin soldier, somehow. which is, of course, one of my most favoritest stories. mmm, stories. its snuggly weather, i think.

today smells of evergreens, and rain and the faint remnants of chinese takeout.
my sheets smell of baby lotion, the botanical kind which smells goodgood, cause i accidently left it open after i used it, and then it spilled.

i mostly refuse to say things like: "im so random." and similar phrases. for other people to claim it for you is one thing, but to say it yourself? that is nonhelpful, maybe not true and telling. show dont tell! [plus, its just irritating.] tell me something real about you--be more clever, and honest about yourself, please. and also, what if you arent? i had a roommate one time who said this constantly. but in all actuality, she was the most predictable person ever. i knew what was going to come out of her mouth next at any given moment almost, and im not even very observant. thats probably where my irritation came from. this happens with other phrases too: "you'll just have to come read to see how awesome i am." and the like. please.
but it might be like my shoes: i know im not cool enough for real converses or whatever, so i make a point not to wear them. but i have some very fake ones from target, because sometimes you jsut want to be emo-ish or whateverwhatever, you know. but if no one else knows its fake, does it count, or do they just think im pathetic cause they too know im not that cool?
sometimes i feel funny because sometimes i do things that i want to be or wish that i did, instead of things that i actually am right here and now. i dont know if im just hoping that it will help me be more of what i hope that to become, or what. is that cheating, or lying or something? i dont know if this even makes sense, but im just saying.

we are supposed to be girls, not human interest pieces. [--molly, age 9. ]

i am learning how to be a girl--a real girl.
nevermind the extra 4 pounds, nevermind whether my shoes match exactly, nevermind the rest of it too, because it is not blessed are you if you do these things. nope. i need to remember this muchly.
but also, that doesnt mean that i have to give up the other parts of me--all those apparently quirky things that make me me. the interesting and clever and pretty and obnoxious and mean and the 4 pounds and everything --because it all goes together! [if we could just figure out how.] and that is a clever thing. so i am working on learning how to work with myself, rather than against myself, maybe?
maybe one of the keys is balancing everything until it completes the whole. it is hard, but it might be lovely. in fact, i think it will be, but pretty much not until laterlaterlater.
so much more to say about this. maybe not now.
maybe its something like "beauty in the breakdown.":
it takes a certain amount of courage to be imperfect.

Posted 3/9/2006 3:53 PM -

[some notes:]

2007-10-22T15:23:00.000-05:00

so suddenly this past weekend, i think i got cooler. not that im exceptionally cool or anything, [this weekend will probably prove that, geh.] cause i pretty much know better, and im totally alright with that. but i definitely got cooler this weekend. i nevereverever was able to roll up sleeping bags for my whole life. i mean, after slumber parties and such, when everyone else was rolling their sleeping bags and stuff, i just had to fold mine, and then let mumma or daddy roll it later. but all the other girls totally could roll theirs, and some of them could even do a good job. but this weekend, i was all over rolling the sleeping bags. i was awesome at it! and i totally even was able to put 3 of them back intto those stupid clingly plastic bag things that you can never get anything back into, you know those things i mean? i mean the ones where the zippers always break. yeah, i got those sleeping bags back into those things. it was amazing.
needless to say, i was queen of the sleepingbags this weekend, despite the fact that i did not sleep in one, and despite the fact that im not even sure i own one anymore. [does that seem like a problem to anyone else? i dont know, it just seems like one of those things that one ought to own, even though you dont use it that much. its one more of those things that you should just always have around, like the jar of mayo or grape jelly in the fridge. it really messes a person up when one goes to make a sandwhich and that stuff is gone. i mean, really, when is anyone ever really out of mayo? its insanely hard to be out of that stuff [like vaseline too.] and so, when you are, its weird.]

so also, i think i need to stop using transitional words. that would be good, apparently. no more "so alsos" and stuff. i just need to say it, dangit.
and also, if that wishy-washy stuff could stop too, that'd be great. yeah, there should be less of that.

isnt it crazy about what you can find out? i mean, theres stuff to know about nearly everything, i think and thats a whole lot of stuff. today, something was cancelled and i got an extra hour and so i was perfectly frivilous and i sat in the library with my roommate and for 20 minutes i skimmed a whole book about mary, queen of scots ["oh, the very name just thrills me to my fingertips!"] and i was just impressed again with all the things that i dont know in the world. and then, after that i was skimming book titles while i was looking for something to read, and there was this whole set of books about jacksonian democracy. think of that! who even cares about that? it rather gives me hope as a writer, because if someone could write 5 books about jeffersonian democracy and have them published and put into libraries, then surely i could bust something decent out.
also, if you write just one book, but it sucks a lot, does that make you a real author still?
its very crazy that there is 6000 or something [depending on what you think about such things] of experience that i dont quite know about.

there is an order to things:
first, pluck up & break down
next, destroy & overthrow
then, building & planting.

lots is going on, and thats good. im working on getting out of the "im soo busy" mindset, cause im pretty sure thats not productive. fortunately for me, my second toe is longer than my first toe, and while this fact made it somewhat difficult to dance en pointe, my athletic training friend told me that studies have shown that even though im running around like a chicken and stuff, i will still get everything done and make a difference in the world, or something or other. and thats because of my toes. so, um, yeah. thats good news, i guess.
and also, isnt it good news that we have ourselves? i mean, yesterday in class we were talking about everyone's need to not be bored. and this is very nifty because we are stuck with ourselves all the time, and that means that pretty much all the time we can learn things and laugh at ourselves and be annoyed and grow and change and have fun and do all kinds of things. its pretty handy, i think, because sometimes no one else is around. this is where its good to not mind talking to yourself, or singing without a radio and stuff. it makes it easier sometimes.

woman without her man would be miserable.
[this goes two ways. or maybe like four ways, if you go backwards too, i think. mmmm, punctuation]

arent cell phones the weirdest thing ever? i mean, who thought of carrying a phone around all the time so you can either 1) always be bothered because people always call you in the middle of everything or 2) be reminded all the time that no one calls you at all, ever, no matter what. its perplexing. i was just thinking of that. but anyway, isnt it funny how quickly we adapt to some things, and wonder how on earth people lived without stuff? well. they survived for a long time without a lot of stuff. --i lived for a long time without some stuff maybe i should give up technology [and stuff!] for a little while.

then it was fat tuesday [and i got real beads from new orleans, and thats almost the awesomest thing ever, but it would have been awesomer if i was there to get them in person] and ash wednesday. such a lovely time in the year--so rich and beautiful and symbolic. why dont we live like that?

dear glen-face, i will always love you for introducing me to weezer. spring is the time for such things. xo.
things are opportunities.
"everything to God in prayer." and also, remember my toes [wiggle,wiggle!].
on the way home i will get krispy kreme donuts. i will be happy.
"six weeks and the wide world is green again."
yes, zane, its exactly the turtles.

currently playing: the blue album [and stuck on that playlist is also buttercup, baby. ah, life is good.]

Posted 3/2/2006 11:13 PM

Freedom Summer

2007-10-22T15:02:00.000-05:00

[important edit: i got my first reallyreal rejection letter in the mail today! and it said [in addition to the rejection part] "Thanks, Julie"!--handwritten even! and it was signed! wowiekazowie. !!!!! i am happy. okay. thats the end of that.]

[feel free to edit and such.]

Freedom Summer, 1964
[ for Coretta Scott King ]

Awaken in the morning and sing again, you that dwell in the dust;
sing of the train coming slowly and the opening of prisons.
A woman cries out from the pain of labor, then feeds the child at her breast.

Sing to each other of a banquet prepared, and vineyards of red wine,
the river Jordan, chariots and Jericho's walls, fields of white cotton.
While waiting for the noon bell, sing again, you that dwell in the dust.

She helps the master's wife dress for a ball in Atlanta; arrive in time
for them to dance all night, and waits until needed in the corner, forsaken.
She sits, and rests from her labor, and men take notice of her breasts.

Generations of the old songs echo through the cabin walls and forest pines.
Piles of threadbare suits need mending, sew the buttons
in the evenings, by the fire. In the night, sing again, you that dwell in the dust.

Somebody's son laid in the east field, dying,
now dead; others—while escaping—might be snared, caught and taken.
A mother labors in the fields, and fear settles deep into her breast.

Spring, with sweet flowers, and tall summer fields shall resign
themselves to autumn. Together, we will plant, and the ground will again be broken.
Wait for the coming train. Wait for the whistle to sing again, you that dwell in the dust.
Mothers and children have labored together; still, hope rises in their breasts.

Posted 2/21/2006 1:03 AM

my. oh. my.

2007-10-22T13:59:00.000-05:00

my. oh. my.
im making myself do this. because it has to be done, because my brain is getting crowded. my choices were to give up and sleep, or give up and write, and somehow this seemed like the more immediate need. but i dont know how that happened, because sleep is always more immediate. but i can sleep when im dead or something and i wont be able to write then. not that ive been able to write lately anyway, but i dont know why.
i was soo hungry for chinese food on sunday, and i got some, and it was the best. it really was.

im not sure if this is embarrassing, but i am embarrassed by it regardless, so i dont know why im saying it, but here it is.
so, on two monday nights, the basement at my house flooded. a lot, but not all, but a lot, of my stuff was in the basement.
my stuff got flooded, probably.
i like stuff. and i am sad that it got flooded. and i cried, a little.
i am embarrassed for crying at all about it. it. is. just. stuff. [but my perfect, wonderful, lovely, sentimental stuff.] people have lost lots more stuff than that before. and things might not even be that ruined, we dont know yet quite. and i shouldnt waste my tears on things that dont matter. unfortunately, thats what happens when or if i cry. [im not a cry-er [crier?] you know.]
[but sometimes tears come, but we dont even know why. maybe thats good? or maybe they come for the wrong things. i hate crying. but maybe its more okay than i realize.]

i wrote a poem. and its almost the prettiest thing i ever wrote maybe, but its not. it needs lots and lots of help, but i dont even know what to do to it, and other people arent being helpful either, because things that they absolutely hate, other people love. so its a confusing business and i think im flipping out about it.[!] [and if you are even almost good at editing, i would love for you to tell me everything thats wrong with it, and everything. pleasepleaseplease?!?] also, im becoming less shy about using the exclamation mark and i wouldnt hardly ever use it just straight up, but now i feel okay about it.
and i love how a line i wrote [on here, even] like 7 months ago or something ended up in the poem. that sort of thing makes me happy.
and just in case people didnt know: i do, in fact, know how to write things for real too.

i think i sleep too much. and thats like the saddest thing ive ever written. and whats sadder is that i think i have to do something about it, because i just have too much to do. i mean, i was getting my resume looked at by career services, and one of the sweetest women in the world [maybe? its hard to say about those things, you cant just assign someone arbitrary values like that] looked at me and told me that i had a full plate. and i said yes ma'am. and there is more i want to do. so something has got to go. and also, i think ill stop tutoring, maybe, at least for school. but i need to stop being so indulgent with myself. and thats hard, because i like it. but im pretty sure that personal sacrifice and discipline is the way to get somewhere and stuff.

ive been thinking about Gods purposes lately. hm. what are they, exactly? not like his purpose in existing or something, but rather his purposes for us. and how are we supposed to hold fast to them? and i know the catachism answer, so tell me something new. if there is anything new. there might not be, i understand.
actually, i guess i want to know how.
i want to know how about a lot of things.

and i want to know why about a lot of things too.

i like dark chocolate!
i almost need a new notebook. like in 4 pages. i like it when this happens. except for about 19 pages of the new notebook i dont like it. but i do think it was smart of me to combine all my paper journals into one: the sermon notebook, and prayer and diary and poetry and ideas and random notes to self. it makes me happy and it cuts down on a lot of numbers of journals. and its more like life, you know? things shouldnt be so compartmentalized, because they really arent.
other things that make me happy include, but are not limited to:

snow, board games [which i think they should rename them bored games,
because sometimes you play them when you are bored and they are not always
on a board. either way, its like a little funny pun.], and scrabble, spoiling myself
[which just should happen sometimes, and thast just all there is to it. but maybe i
do it too much? most likely. but more on this later. but like on friday, i bought a cd, a
magazine, and some dark chocolate hershey kisses.[!] and that made me soso
happy.] and hotchocolate, and letter writing, and good stories, and friends, and
slumber parties, and good poem critiques and waffle house, and snuggling,
conversations and people [lots of them, but i was thinking tonight about have i
ever met or watched a person named george that i didnt like? i dont think so.
georges must be happy people. but oh, just people in general are fascinating!]
and songs/poems with julie in it are happyhappyhappy too. and sleeping late. and also, some other things, but i cant think of them just now.

also, i like summer smells. february is a good time to miss summer smells, and i do. like lemon and mowed grass and stuff. i will try to remedy that soon, like tomorrow maybe. tonight it smelled like summer rain, anyway. thats what reminded me.
"theres no chance or fortune beyond the moon." my.

i forget that things do not always have to be a beautiful, perfect, much. some things can be. but some things one can just let go. or delegate. or just not do. or wait till later. and it will be okay.
and also, Jesus did not say that martha was wrong for doing things because things must be done after all, but just that mary choose what was better, and what was lasting, and what is all we need. and that is a point, i think.
how hard it is to be uncontent and content at the same time, and i think that that is what is asked of us, maybe? to keep growing and working and perservering and trying eversohard but at the same time, just sit and enjoy and love and see beautiful things and breathe.
old things are good to remember sometimes.
"do the next thing. it does not matter
how it hurts as long as it
gives God the chance to
manifest himself in your mortal flesh."
oh, yeah.
we pick funny things for burdens.
i need to invest me into things more, but thats scary. and i feel like i do it so much already, but its still not exactly enough. thats weird. and honest is scary. trying again is scary. what to do next is scary. heck, even getting your hair cut is scary.

[random comment by whatsherface after a song from chapel on wednesday]
"sometimes, things become a different sort of beautiful than you expect, and sometimes that hurts. and theres an intimacy that comes in the sanctifying and in knowing that your Father is [still!] good.
theres a sweet resolution that comes in letting go."

things are not like i expected.

i love talking to people who make me think. and i am osovery thankful for when they remind me of things i need to hear, even if its on accident. and [real] friends are so...necessary. and good. good for the soul. just like hotfudge i approve of having them. all of them. hooray.

i also love learning how things work. i will be forever and ever grateful to him for showing me about howstuffworks.com. its my newest favoritest thing ever. because i have learned about things that i have always always wanted to know, and there are pictures and its soo cool. and theres a lot more i still have to learn from there. [i learned today that someone invented the dustpan. thats so weird. that should be one of those things that was just always around. and also, if someone else hadnt invented, say, the refridgerator or something, dont you think someone else would have eventually? or some ideas just strictly people specific?] and thats exciting too. oh, and i have decided that asking questions is a really good idea. i have asked some experts some things lately, and they have answers for you. so thats mostly my new thing: i have talked to phone professionals, and biology professors [if you want a good story, ill tell you this one] and this week, i will talk to ballet professionals. and they know things, and tell you all about it, and its soo cool. its my newest other favorite thing ever.

and heres a poem [by emily dickinson] and notes [by my professor in his journalbook. he just shared]:

There are two Ripenings--one--of sight--
Whose forces Spheric wind
Until the Velvet product
Drop spicy to the ground--
A homelier maturing--
A Process in the Bur--
That teeth of Frosts alone disclose
In far October Air.

NOTE: "bur"--a rough prickly core around the seed of
some plants. an earlier version was ordered into two quatrains;
"round" was rhymed with "ground"--Dickinson's revisions
moved toward slant rhmye rather than away from it.
The less showy ripening occurs inside the husk, inside ourselves
and will not be revealed until some distant time.
The exterior ripening is showier, more vulnerable,
occurs earlier, and is ended by a fall to the earth. The
second ripening is longer, occurs at home, is associated
with actual flavor (the fuit is bitten by the "teeth" of winter),
goes undisclosed until death. My.

My. indeed.

Posted 2/17/2006 3:02 AM

occurences unto me

2007-10-22T13:09:00.000-05:00

so i had a brilliant revelation just now: its o.k.a.y. to write something that is not what i wanted. because i have all these things in my head that are important, or at least they are to me and for this moment. and i need to write them because things will be more settled after i do [maybe [?]. because because. and also because i might have exploded or something if i didnt, maybe. and thats never fun. well, or maybe not. and i could explain that all if i had to, but i think im skipping it. [thank heavens i was thinking of anne lamont and her wonderfully freeing concept of how first drafts should be.[if you want to know, ill tell you.] otherwise, im sure i'd still be stuck, because writing is eversohard! and mostly i want things like this to be perfect and this is not how i want these to be, but here they are. [ah hah! a list! and then ah hah! it can be a crap list.] probably soon, they will be around again, somehow more like what i intended. i need directions to perfection. [oh. no, no, no, no.]
so, here:

occurences unto me:

1. it is such a lovely moment when the thing-you-thought-you-wanted becomes only the
thing-you-thought-you-wanted. [and not what you really wanted or even needed.]
it is really and truly lovely. and the great thing is that you can talk yourself in and out of that stuff like in 2 seconds, so you can have that moment more than once.
and then this comes next:
steps to contentment
1. allow thyself to complain of nothing, not even the weather.
2. never picture thyself under any circumstance in which thou art not.
3. never compare thy own lot with that of another.
4. never allow thyself to dwell on the wish that this or that had been, or were
otherwise than it was / is. God almighty loves thee better and more wisely than
thou dost thyself.
5. never dwell on the morrow. remember--it is Gods, not thine. the heaviest part of
sorrow is often the look forward to it. "the Lord will provide."
oooh. such a happy sort of promise in #5.
this is coming, i feel rather sure. i am not uncontent, certainly. but i am not quite sure i am entirely content yet, either. but i am happy, and busy [and this will be a busy semester] and all of that. and things are just how they should be.

2. i love the smell of clean laundry. and if i can fold sheets like my grandmother and mother one day, that will be a life-goal accomplished, let me tell you. and i was good, and made my bed sooo well today, even though i hate to put sheets on my bed. but i do like new sheets muchly too.
and i love whistling. i wish i could do it better [ i can only do it a little] but it makes me eversohappy when there is whistling involved with things like working, or walmart, or flirting, or driving, or music, or icecream, or anything.
and i love banananutbread. and i really want to make some, but i probably dont get to, but i want to. that is one of those things that i havent ruined yet, ever, knockonwood. and its sooo good. and amazing. and im not even bragging, it really is so good. and its one of my established accomplishments. along with maybe tiptoeing? im good at that. and even when im wearing heels, too, cause i dont let them clomp. ladies should neverever clomp, you know.

3. i have been listening to this cd, as listed, for several days now, and i believe that i like it because 1) its so great 2) i was in the dentist office and i was reading this review of them and it was telling all about how they dress up for concerts. how great is that? suits on men are good. [heres a hint: its hard to find a girl who doesnt like a man in a good suit, or in uniform. but heavens, dont go join the army or something just for that. its not actually important. just wear a suit once in a while or so instead.] also, its too bad its not still normal to do that, cause then girls could dress up everyday and everything would be sexier. and we would all have really good legs. not that im a leg girl, im just saying. anyway, and also, i like it because 3) it fits at the moment. mostly i am changing how i feel about things like every 5 minutes. i want to talk, then i dont. im settled, then flustered. i feel independent, then very dependent; grown-up, then not at all. i feel pretty, then fat. happy then unhappy. content, then worried. unhappy, then understanding. clever, then stupid. i mean, i cant make up my mind; its like a freaking pingpong game. i suck at pingpong, at least usually. and this album cant make up its mind either, and it flips out about a lot of the same ideas. and its great.
[what i need to remember is that beautiful and clever, settled and independent can all exist at the very same time as dependent and silly, and needs to study and eat healthy foods take a shower before class and stuff. things can co-exist. [!]]

4. ["sometimes i pray for a slap in the face, and then beg to be spared cause im a coward."]

5. i think that ive been talking my head off lately, and not even about anything of great importance. [and im doing it now too.] and i feel so bad about it, and i really do have other things to say, they just arent coming out yet. and i feel all self-conscious and obnoxious, and i feel like apologizing to nearly everone i talk to, just in case i talk to much. and if im not actually apologizing, im apologizing in my head, just like im doing right here, cause im pretty sure im talking my head off now too.] and its so weird, cause im not usually self-conscious about stuff like this. usually im like "oh, well. it wont hurt you to listen to me talk. and then ill listen to you. and its all good." and i feel all bad, cause i want to talk to people lately. so if we have a conversation i promise to keep my mouth mostly shut, and listen, too. cross my heart. and you are all completly allowed to tell me to shut up too, and i wont even mind one smidgin. and im all worried about other stupid stuff like "oh, no. i might weigh 4 more pounds then i want to." and "what should i wear tomorrow?" and "blahblah whateverwhatever." and that has got to stop. because it is stupid. and i get so mad at myself for it, because how can i even think about getting mad because i may or may not weigh 4 stupid pounds more than what i have randomly decided a good weight for me would be. or because this, that and the other. i mean really. mrs. march on little women tells amy that she is "more intent on shaping her dear little nose than enfashioning her character." and im afraid thats sadly sadly true too often for me. although its not strictly my nose that gives me trouble. i dont mind my nose. well, i mean, sometimes, i think its funny looking, but not usually. noses are funny things in general.

6. i really am having trouble making my head make what i know about economics and the Gospel, and our attitude towards everyone work together. i mean, the church should take care of poor people, etc.etc.etc.. yes. and at the same time, the church can not dilute the Gospel to the people they serve just because they are serving. but also, welfare is not the best way to go; that means they dont have to get a job, and that messes up taxes and all kinds of things. thats only an example, but i cant make the larger ideas work together really well either. if someone can, will you explain it to me? or are there books to be read about the subject? i will read them if i can find them. cause i really want to know, so much.

7. when i was driving home, i thought i got drugged, then someone almost ran into me and that was very scary, and then i was driving in the middle of these police enthusiast guys who i thought were police at first cause they had police stickers on their cars, but they were speeding a lot, and then i got some donuts, and then i had a stalker for like an hour and then i got home. and i didnt even die. and then my parents had their anniversary, and i got cheesecake out of the deal. with strawberries. mmmmm.
also, when i was home i was playing hide and seek with some people like my sisters and some our friends [who are under age 11, you know] and we were having this really big debate and i dont know which it is, and i dont know if there are rules for such things, but i am really curious: what are the exact rules for hide-and-seek? does anyone know? i mean, is the person found first the next one to be it, because they obviously suck at hiding. and if thats the case, do you find one person, and just let everyone else remain hidden, since they found good spots? or: is the last one found the next it? and what is the base, and when does it come into play? and then when do you say "come out, come out, wherever you are?" is that only if you are horrible at finding people and and havent found anyone after an hour? who is it then? and what is olyolyoxenfree? is that how you spell it?
i think we always played last one found is it when we were littler, with a base, and the yelling, but we had a huge debate about it, and the merits of all the ways, and so im all confused now.
[p.s. i really want to know this, too, please.]

8. i think its so funny when people think that they invented things. like those people who claim that they themselves created phrases like "true story" and "cool beans" and "LOL" and "you lose." and then they get all offended when you say it and they're like "hey, i invented that." and its like, no. those are things that just are and im pretty sure no one invented them. its like the other day, mumma and i were looking for some lyrics to this song and we were reading the little bio of an artist that recorded it once, and it said that this guy [i dont even remember who it was] invented the concept of putting lyrics in the cd booklet thing. and i was like um, no. 1) if that was invented, it would have been invented before 1990, pretty sure. and 2) i dont think that was an invented thing. it just is a thing. that was around. all the time. except for muchly. i so think i invinted that one, because ive never heard any random people say it. maybe i just dont listen to random people talk enough, which im sure is true, and its also very sad, but there it is. and im not sure if i invinted it or not, probably not. but in case i did, i dont care if other people say it. i like that.

9. i think people need 7 hugs a day, or something?
i wouldnt mind getting that many. i been in a hugging mood lately, i believe.

10. here is a poem by anna akhmatova that was written in 1917. i think its maybe one of my favoriter poems on the list of favorite poems. i think its pretty much beautiful.

We Don't Know How to Say Goodbye
We don't know how to say goodbye--
we wander all over shoulder to shoulder.
It's already starting to get dark;
you're thoughtful, and I keep quiet.

Let's go into the church, watch
a funeral, a christening, a wedding;
let's leave, not looking at each other--
why don't we live like that?

Or, lets sit in the cemetery,
in the trampled snow; let's breathe lightly,
and let you trace with a stick palaces
where we will always be together.

isnt it funny how much of life is replacing things? replace is a word like almost thats not quite good, and not quite bad, it could mostly go either way. outgrowing things we love is never a pleasant process, but eventually, we probably do outgrow them, and then we do replace them with other things we love. and when something you hope for doesnt work out, then you probably just start hoping for something else, and so on. and when you break a bad habit, you replace it with, hopefully, a better one. and when you stop thinking of something, you think of something else, and when you leave friends behind, you make new ones. its weird. really weird.
what if we could keep all the old dreams and habits and things around? how crowded that would be. simplify, simplify, simplify. indeed, henrydavid. indeed.
and we must be careful not to replace the most important with things of far lesser importance, but how often that happens too. and so often we replace words plus deeds with just words. scary thought. i hope not. i want to do things too.

11. im still kindof confused about the dalai lama, too.
hope is an extremely wonderful word. it even sounds wonderful. like hotfudge. it just sounds yummy.
"surely, hope does not disappoint, because God's love has been poured out."
mmm.
i have a few books i need to read before things get busy.
im not quite sure i said anything yet. at least, im not sure i said what i meant most of all. i think its there, but not exactly coherently. "there needs to be a revolution; i would lead it but i just bought a hammock." and, im getting sleepy. tomorrow. yes. tomorrow different things will happen, and there will be chances for things. i need to make use of them, and thats all; i need to set all of my alarmclocks to make sure that i dont miss more than necessary. and i need to have some hotfudge. i havent had some in a while. hotfudgesundaes are just good for the soul, you know?

[just wait.]
ive got soul, but im not a soldier.

currently playing: hot fuss / the killers

Posted 2/2/2006 4:47 AM

inside the realm of possibility

2007-10-22T13:02:00.000-05:00

one of my rules is that whenever i feel unconfident, or anxious or anything, i try to look good enough to make up for it, and that way maybe no one will notice how i feel. i have been flipping out lately, so im wearing overalls today. i feel pretty when i wear overalls, i think, for who knows why. because practically the definition of overalls is "non-pretty." [non-pretty, maybe but soo great, too. i looovve overalls, always have.] so getting ready today took a long time, [because how much time spent is not always, but sometimes, proportionate to how good you look. that certainly depends on the person, and sometimes it doesnt work that way. but usually, if i get ready in half an hour, i look like it. if i take the whole hour, its also evident. fortyfive minutes is average, if i planned out in the shower what im going to wear, cause im a clothes-changer, [and i wish i had the wardrobe possibilities of people on tv! but not all of them.] you know, so if i planned it out it cuts out on 2ish changes. and thank heavens for days where even if i only take half an hour to get ready, you cant tell. i wish they were more often.] even though i didnt really go anywhere where i needed to look like anything much. but i feel pretty today, and i usually do when i wear overalls. so explain that one.
and i do realize that feeling, or even being pretty is not the end-all-be-all goal of anything, and its not actually important in the grand scheme of things, but sometimes it doesnt hurt anything at all.

i did go to walmart though. january is waffle time, i think. practically every january since ive been in college, i have waffle cravings. explain that one too. but anyway, i had eaten all of my waffles, and we were out of milk. so i got waffles and milk, and drank half the gallon after 5pm today, cause i hadnt had it in a day or two, and i missed it. and then i made brownies, but i was remembering the recipie as i went along and i think i made some of it up, so i wasnt sure they were going to taste good, but i think they did, maybe? making things from scratch is tricky, i think. but i like it when i can do it. which is not often, cause i lost my cooking skills when i came to college, but maybe ill get them back again afterward. wouldnt it be wonderful to be one of those women like grandmothers and amelia bedelia who can throw in a little of this and a pinch of that and it come out all wonderful? it would be absolutely amazing to be able to do that. i think im going to add cooking like that to my list of things to accomplish in life.
and also, i love walmart. really muchly.

sometimes, things are hard. harder than i would like to admit to myself, or anyone else. and i feel silly, cause they shouldnt be hard. i have a home [two, actually] and family who loves me, and friends, and job, and food, and i have relatively a lot of freedom to do what i want and stuff. i know that God loves me, and what will happen to me when i die. i am not fat by american standards, but im positively huge compared to a lot of people in the world whose arms and legs look more like sticks than arms and legs. i feel like maybe i shouldnt be allowed to have hard things, because i am spoiled.

someone told me yesterday that maybe i couldnt be mother teresa and have 12 kids. and maybe i couldnt even be mother teresa and have 8 or 6 kids. and i said that was because mamaT took a vow of chastity and wasnt married. and also im hardly catholic and so i wouldnt qualify for that sort of career.
and i was thinking about how maybe its like my design projects. in my head, i can design these really wonderful things and they are soo beautiful, but i never have enough computer skill to actually make that happen. so its like this really dim version of what i had in my head. this is why i change paper topics at the last minute too, cause the first idea usually is more than i can do, cause im overly ambitious, and i dont like to turn in something that i wanted to be better. i mean, it happens but i dont like it. and i dont want things to be like that. sometimes, it works, and i have something genuis. and i like that. i dont want to dream bigger than reality permits, but im afraid sometimes i do. but i want my dreams and my reality to be that big. i want to have my cake and eat it too, see.
i want to do something amazing, and i want to have 6 kids and i want me to not feel like i have to give up something, even if the amazing thing is the 6 kids, which it might be, i guess. cause i am pretty sure that being a good wife and mother-of-6 would be a rather hefty accomplishment. and if thats it, im cool with that. terribly excited about it even. but i just dont want to miss out on something. theres so much that i want to see and do--people, and family and the whole world and everything. because there is more to this world than my present circumstances and perspectives. and that is something. [!]
but apparently, im not going to miss out on any divine appointments, and thats good news. and also, apparently, things will be alright. also good news.
therefore, do not worry. of course, of course. i dont know why im worrying about it now anyway, but there it is, so. and if i could pay attention for more than 5 seconds, i might remember some important things like that.

and also things like: some people told me the other day that muchly isnt a word. and i was sad. they also told me that i misspell halirious. and then they said i make up other words too. and that made me kind of sad. cause i dont remember doing that. but then they told me that it didnt matter, and i could still say them, so i was happier. cause i like those words, and apparently i didnt even know i made them up, cause i was surprised when they told it to me. and also, apparently, ew is not an interjection meaning "gross, etc.". its an abbreviation for "enlisted woman." just in case any of you were wondering. i learned that recently. and actually, i knew i mis-spelled halirious. its just that i cant get the right spelling in my head for anything and ive tried to do it before. so i gave up, and when im famous-er than i am now, my copyeditor can worry about it. besides i can spell renaissance, and according to my all-knowing worldhistory teacher from highschool, thats a word that will come in handy in all kinds of situations. however, i do not know how to spell apocraphya [did i do it? i didnt look.] correctly yet, and that is an important one. so im working on it.

i feel like so often i get unbalanced. if i am having real conversations with people, and learning things and whatnot, than i forget to laugh. and if im laughing with people, then i forget to to be honest and have real conversations and all of that. i want both. surely there can be both. i mean, both are part of meaningful. so, the point is to try to wiggle my toes, and dance and have slumber parties and eat brownies and tickle fights and play scrabble and making good friends and at the same time be diligent in my pursuit of my goals, and christianity and paying attention and writing and loving and remember that there are more important things than death and things bigger than my immediate reality, and work to be a part of those. thats a tricky thing. but "indeed, God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten son to live with us and teach us how to be the fully human creatures our Maker has always planned for us to be." so its not entirely outside the realm of possibility, i think.

possibilities are exciting things. and very scary, and very everywhere.

Posted 1/25/2006 5:26 AM

(the wrong way)

2007-10-22T12:58:00.000-05:00

{ :: when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy;
hide and seek. trains and sewing machines,
all those years they were here first.
oily marks appear on walls where pleasure
moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life.
hide and seek; trains and sewing machines :: }

[ mostly im sure this wont make a lot of sense. its fourthirtyinthemorning, but i had things to say today, so im talking my head off right now, because it couldnt wait until morning. or something like that. umhum. o dear. and o well. ]

i got lost today. that hasnt happened in a while. [silly mapquest. they should know that going back is not always the same way as going because of things called onewaystreets and no signs. they should allow for that stuff and give you backwards directions.] i mean, i have gotten the 20 minutes kind of lost plenty lately. but not the hour kind. i havent gotten lost in the hour kind of way in ages and ages. but today i did. today i decided to be brave and go to mephis all by myself, which was just what i needed actually, and go to the civil rights museum. it was really wonderful; i learned so much. there are only about 4 things in the world guarenteed to make me cry. this one scene in the patriot [and its not even a death scene, go figure], 2 other things i cant remember but that im sure must exist, and then martinlutherkingjunior's mountaintop speech, the one right before he dies, you know. i think ive heard him say it 3 times in my life, and ive cried every time. i read it once, too, but i only got teary that time. i dont know why that makes me cry; im not even a crier. but ooohhh.
but anyway, after i looked at everything, and stood as close as i could to the spots where mlk,jr was assinated and as close as i could to where he was assinated from [wouldnt being an assinator be the weirdest job in the whole world? i was thinking about that. i mean, who does that? and speaking of, i want to know how they always manage to tape great moments in history. like, how do we have pictures of everything, and video? pictures are even more understandable [sometimes i really wish i was a photographer] but who just carries around a videocamera? its confusing. do people just always assume that something significant is going to happen and just have it ready? i dont know.] and i was just thinking about all this stuff. and its so crazy to be where history happened. it makes me feel small, and like im a part of something bigger. im not even sure i can even reproduce anything i was thinking, but it was a thinking time. and things were, for a very small time, clear. they arent now, of course, not even a little bit, but thats expected.

one thing i do know is that i want to tell stories. i dont really know who's stories, maybe just my own, heaven forbid, but i was just standing there and looking at all the stuff that mlk,jr did and i want to do something in the world. he reminded me that i might-maybe-maybe want to be a writer. if i could even do that. gah. who knows what im going to do. not me.
and the other night, when i was in memphis again listening to the bluegrass thing and the best fiddler in the whole world was there, or something like that, and he was amazing and i was thinking of all the things he had worked through, and accomplished, and i wished that i was like that, in my own way, of course. i decided that i liked folk/bluegrass music because it is basic. its what comes is real, and what happens: family, home, true love, God, broken hearts, traveling, food. thats life. [although, come to think of it, most music is like that, i think. i like most of it too, im pretty sure.] and i wanted to know what inspired them. and all about the people that were there--why were all the emo kids at the bluegrass concert, for example? and thats like memphis too, i think, and thats why i like it. memphis is real and its all about smoke-y cafes and music and ducks and stories. and those are the things that are important.
and thats why i think i would rather be a non-fiction instead of a fiction [or poetry?] girl. maybe. oh, thats scary to say. i dont know. but im better at characters than plots anyway. always have been; true story [no pun intended].

this week, ive seen some things, i think, like the mummy in the corner of the p&h cafe on madison street in memphis. why is it there? and all i can think of is: what isnt beautiful, and what isnt heartbreaking, too.
and God is still enough, even though. even though this, that, and the other. hmm.
things are harder sometimes than they look on tv. unfortunately, life doesnt come with one of those "dont try this at home" things.
the moon has been reallyreally pretty in the past week, and i have told two different men that i wouldnt mind going to the moon, for just a little while, to see it. they both told me that they could see it from here, and there was too much to see on earth first. but the moon is sooo pretty i said. and it is. but so is here. actually, its much more beautiful-er. more heartbreaking, too. i want to see things, i forget sometimes. regardless of the required involvement.
oh, i remember. i got lost today, the really official kind of lost where i was going the wrong way, just straight up, [and how come you can never find a pizza place when you need one? its like i always drive through these cities and they dont have grocery stores or walmarts or pizza places and i dont know whats up with that. where do these people get their food, and stuff? and sometimes you just want pizza. and sometimes you just want directions from them [one of my best ideas ever maybe, im so proud. but its useless if you cant find them!] its really confusing.] and anyway, there was no even pretending that i was sortof going the right way because i just wasnt.
right, so. i think the moon would be going the wrong way at this point.

currently playing: hide and seek :: imogen heap
Posted 1/20/2006 4:47 AM

"breaking into light"

2007-10-22T12:55:00.000-05:00

this was a thinking weekend. starting on thursday when i reorganized at least some of the stockroom at work. you can do a lot of thinking when youre moving dusty boxes around. well, i thought a lot of "how on earth does the stockroom look this bad to begin with?!?!?!" and "theres no where in this whole room to put 48 more boxes of 'rooster with frog, and view' figureines whatsoever" and that was obnoxious, but in between those times i thought of this:
a very long time ago there was a quiz floating around on the internet, and one of the questions was about which fictional characters you would marry. i, of course, do not do internet quizzes very often or maybe never but that question stuck in my head for whatever reason, and then the recent gilmore girls phase [seriously, im getting addicted, and it might be bad. im flipping out about it, mostly; i cant believe what happened last time, really. ok, yeah, pathetic. pathetic, but addicting.] in my life has brought one point into clear focus: luke danes is on that list. so i was thinking about other fictional characters that would make the list and here it is along with location, and in no order whatsoever:
1. luke danes / gilmore girls
2. mr. darcy / pride and prejudice
3. kermit the frog / the muppets
4. ethan hawley / the winter of our discontent
5. gilbert blythe / the anne books & movies
6. nick carraway / the great gatsby
7. corey matthews / boy meets world
8. david eggers / a heartbreaking work of staggering genius

and then, on friday, i was piddling, and i was wandering around everywhere, cause it seems like the thing to do on fridays mostly, at least sometimes, and i thought of what a good strategy it is to wait until you are soooooo hungry to eat things, and then eat just what you want. i did that mostly on accident, cause i was out and about and such, but i didnt eat till like 10pm, but i had decided at about 7 or so that i wanted spaghetti. and then about 730, i decided i might be still hungry if i had just spaghetti, so i should have some cookies for dessert, and i was getting hungry, so i just thought and thought about my spaghetti, and cookies, amonst other stuff, and when i finally got to eat it, it was absolutely the best spaghetti and cookies that i had had nearly all week. amazing. and that is a point, i think.

plus also, i thought of

i am me.

i have strawberryblonde hair, wear a size 6.5 [which they dont make, by the way] and i like hotfudgesundaes. i read books, and love to sleep and laugh and i like pencils and only inky pens and the smell of old books. i am fragile and special and beautiful and clever and things like this. i am also moody and crazy and obnoxious and stuff like that. this is how girls are, and how boys are too, and everybody. but me too. and its ok to be me--just me, and nothing else--because i am me. and everyone sometimes-always gets the crazy idea that its better to be a slightly better, more spruced-up version of the current "me" of whoever they are then and there, and so they do that instead, and thats silly. but i do it to, but i shouldnt. of course, the lucky thing about being me is:

i had a little tea party,
this afternoon at three;
'twas very small,
three guests in all,
just i, myself, and me.
myself ate up the sandwhiches,
while i drank up the tea,
'twas also i
who ate the pie
and passed the cake to me.

also, i love to be read to. i reallyreally do. anything and everything.

and i need to follow my instincts. i have good instincts, maybe-possibly.
and i wish i knew how to dance lots better [thats on the to-do list for life, umhum.]. i decided that maybe dancing is like learning a language, and you can probably only learn it by doing it. i bet a lot of things are that way, hrm.

and on saturday, i saw some ducks. i think i like ducks. my mother and father decorated my nursury in ducks, so maybe its leftover from that or something, but they are funny to watch and happy. and they quack. but i didnt hear them quack because they were sleeping. quack is a very funny sound. i wanted to feed them too, but i didnt. they were sleeping.
and now i want to read make way for ducklings. actually, i want it to be read to me. mmm.
once i knew a girl who had a duck for a pet. they went on walks and stuff and she gave him baths and i think that when i am the aunt-lady-down-the-street who makes cookies and is crazy and scribbling down everything that people ever say thats clever and possibly saying my own clever things and writing them down too, but making money for those, i will obtain a duck. and i will name him something exceptionally witty [i wondered the whole time what the ducks names were that i saw, but there wasnt a sign.] but i dont know what yet. i would probably even build him a pond in my yard. and he will be my duck; and my duck, my fish and my house and i will be happy living there very snugly. im excited about this.

also, i think i decided that memphis is a great town. i like it. [this week, i am decidedly going to see the civil rights museum. im not feeling brave, so im not going to go tomorrow, i dont think. but i am still going this week because its martinlutherkingjuniors birthday, and im reading a book about him, but not actually because its his birthday. i started in october, see, but im not done yet. and i might go to a bluegrass concert there too. yay.] well, actually, i decided that i love cities in general [again] and memphis was the closest one. i like cities: i like busy, i like crowded, i like things to do, i like people. [i made friends with a nine-year-old girl, and we found out that our favorite icecream is chocolate absolutely, but sometimes strawberry too, cause its pink.] [i really, eversomuch wanted to know all of the stories of the people all around.] i decided that when it was warmer i would come back to memphis and fall asleep with the rush and the smells and the sounds and the bridges [oh, i like bridges] all around me and it would be wonderful. but then i remembered that i might get murdered [or at least kidnapped. i am not kidnapped, or dead, actually, as of yet, but i might be if i did that], and i didnt think that either one of those was a fun idea, so i probably wont. but i want to.
i squinted my eyes at the lights a lot, and it was eversopretty.
it reminded me of this poem called naming the stars, which was the actual poem of the day a little while ago. and even though i looked at lights more than stars [i did look at the moon though] it reminded me, and i like it and its pretty:

This present tragedy will eventually
turn into myth, and in the mist
of that later telling the bell tolling
now will be a symbol, or, at least,
a sign of something long since lost.
This will be another one of those
loose changes, the rearrangement of
hearts, just parts of old lives
patched together, gathered into
a dim constellation, small consolation.
Look, we will say, you can almost see
the outline there: her fingertips
touching his, the faint fusion
of two bodies breaking into light.

if i was an artist, i would use charcoal. i like it. im surprised about that, because originally, i thought i would have been more of a painting sort of girl [i love bob ross after all]. and i like to look at paint still, but for using, i like charcoal. i like the in-the-middle-of look that charcoal can have. i also like sketches. this is a good work, also suggesting in the middleness. middle is good because its is more common than beginning or end. middle is the most familiar maybe, probably.
maybe i will use charcoal to write poetry.
life is poetry, mostly. or maybe a tragic, halirious novel, or most probably both all at once.

Posted 1/16/2006 12:39 AM

where babies, etc., come from

2007-10-22T12:48:00.000-05:00

i got my job back today. i was going to work at somewhere else, but then that didnt work, and i was unhappy, because i need to work, and because they told me that i could work there. and so for about 30 hours i was very irritated and mad because as much as i like to not work, i want to work too. i feel all accomplished when i do, and i like that. and i get paid. its not a bad deal. and i thought to myself that i just needed to sloowww down, and practice trusting God for just one or five minutes, because hes probably going to take care of me just like always, but i kept forgetting, and i was bad at it. but then He did, i think, and i have the job back that i left here waiting for me, and they fixed all, or at least some of the things i didnt like about it. but my favorite stock guy left cause so i wont have anyone to talk to sometimes, but my favorite manager and mother-y lady are still there, so im terribly happy about that.
also: let me just annouce that i can make good peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even if i cant make french toast. i tried to make french toast yesterday because i wanted it ever so much, but i think i failed. its on my list to practice. but it probably has to wait in line. when i came to college i lost a few of those cooking skills for who knows why. but i think they're coming back? heres hoping anyway.

i found my lucy ricardo shoes today when i was putting up shoes. i forgot i had them almost, but i think i love them muchly, i [re]decided that today. just because they are halirious. if my pants were slightly shorter, then i could probably even be just like her, cause my hair is red[ish]. except for im not that funny. im probably decently funny, when i write, once in a blue moon [hey, i think those things actually really exist, but ive never even seen one], but thats all. goodness, i do love i love lucy muchly. very halirious.
well, i probably couldnt be her at all, but i do like these shoes muchly, for unexplainable reasons.

i had lots more things to say, i feel rather sure, but i cant seem to remember them at present because i have been neglecting my notebooks as of late, because i dont even know why because ive been thinking all kinds of things that should be written down. so when i think of them again, ill write them down. tomorrow i will write at least 5 pages down in that thing, i decided, because i have neglected it soo muchly. although that will take a whole lot of discipline, because 5 pages can be a whole lot longer than it is initally, even though they arent even full pages. but it must be done, so that is that.
it is rather obnoxious to forget things, especially things you want to remember.

oh, i know. i found out that in biology our teacher [who was in the military and spent most of his time in guam and consequently told stories about that all the time] skipped a very important chapter in the textbook. consequently, the other day, when my roommate [who was trying to study so she decided to do it outloud cause i was probably talking, i dont remember, but its likely. i dont think she likes it when i talk to her a lot sometimes, well, actually just when she studies. but sometimes she does like it, and she even talks back. its really clever.] anyway, she was reading to me out of her developmental psych book and it was telling all about how when they are 3 weeks old babies have the beginnings of a brain and when they were 4 weeks old there was a heartbeat. and i was just totally in awe, because that doesnt even make any sense how that could be there, because it wasnt there before. and then i found out that they were cells. and that all they did was divide and then just like that there was a heart. and a nervous system and all kinds of normal people things. i mean, when i think of cells dividing, i think of bacteria. or cancer. yes. not babies. i dont know how i thought it happened before, and i dont know why i didnt know, really. no one ever explained to me the exact details about the cells, and i guess i didnt think about it, and mr. science teacher was too wrapped up in guam to explain such mysteries. but i was really just impressed about how clever God is. and how crazy it is that stuff like, oh i dont know, life works.
it reminded me this summer of when my moms friend got to explain to me all about how chicken eggs work. i had no idea, really. and poor thing, she did such a good, tactful job, and told me just enough to satisfy the curiousity but left enough to my imagination that if i went to look it up for real, i might learn one or two things more. it was also very funny. but i think my mother and i laughed more than she did; she probably didnt laugh very much. but she has chickens on her farm, so she knew all about it, and [i dont think?] she didnt mind explaining it to me, although i think my mother would have rathered me look it up or something, because it may not have been of general interest. oh well. there are times when things of general interest just doesnt need to happen, [although no prepositions at the end of sentences always needs to happen, gah. i think my grammar is slipping in my old age. and did i mention that i was half published for real the other day, and it was ever so exciting. and also, i was soo excited to be an english major when i was watching that movie down there and i loved it and i felt so literate and stuff cause i knew exactly what was going on because i have read--really read [for class, admittedly. im not that much of an english person]--the iliad and the odyssey and an i was all like oooh. i love that guy homer. he was an absolute[!] genuis. i do like smart men.] but anyway, sometimes general interest is useless and ungeneral interest happens. and then sometimes you end up talking about things and you arent really sure why and its weird and funny but good. just good. and thats all there is to that.

currently watching: o brother, where art thou?

Posted 1/10/2006 1:56 AM -

heres something new:

2007-10-22T12:45:00.000-05:00

heres something new: i think my official favorite boy spot is officially open. and that is sooo crazy, because that hasnt even happened for about 2 years or something, and i dont know why its happening now, except i just woke up on tuesday morning and whatever weirdo thing in my head that told me the first favorite boy [we will call him A]was the favorite boy told me that he wasnt quite the absolute favorite anymore. that boy is still in the top 3ish, but i dont know. see, its all a mess. this other boy [who used to be favorite number 3; we'll call him B] probably moved up a few notches. to maybe about 1.5. [but he is not the number one favorite boy; he is simply not first. hes 1.5] but B my second favorite person with that name. and then A, the previous number 1 favorite, is about 3/4 of the way behind that boy, but theres another boy [C] that might be an almost favorite, and theres another one thats another almost favorite too. and C about half behind B, but about 2/3 ahead of A. and i dont know where D is, really. if someone can tell me how that all works out cause i dont know, you can be the favorite boy [or girl] for like an hour or 5 hours or something [well, actually, time for favorite girls is rarely, if ever, limited. once youre that, you pretty much are that forever]. and being the favorite boy for long times doesnt happen very often; favorite boys for 5 minutes are more likely, you know. its all very confusing, however [!], im not even very worried about it, cause probably in about 2 days or something, ill probably wake up and figure it out. cause those things just come to me, i think. lucky for me--cause how could i decide something so important as the favorite boy list? too much pressure. its nicer this way, when i dont decide it by myself. and i know it sounds crazy, but it happens like that with some things. like when i write stuff sometimes, and stuff. i dont know. maybe ill give up favorite boys altogether. but i dont think thats a good idea. i think one of my favorite places at night is also terribly frusterating. i think the middle of missouri, rather close to the mississippi river, has some of the prettiest stars ever cause they are visible, and you can see them sovery well. but i can neverever see them because if im in the middle of missouri near the mississippi river, im driving. and its not very safe to look at stars and drive, you know. so someday, when i have nothing to do, i think ill just drive out there, and sit and look at them. cause theres so many more than here. although, it does seem like a shame to go look without knowing what they all are. i need to learn my constallations most likely. i dont know why they dont teach you those things in school. it seems like a perfectly useless thing to know, which is what they usually teach you, but it would be very lovely to know them all. the thing about them is that all the stars look the same sometimes, so its hard to tell. but i do know about 3 of them. maybe ill work on learning the rest. one time, somebody tried to point out that "hey, those 3 stars up there make a triangle." i laughed at that one. heh, work on learning constillations and all my other 48324987342 resolutions. i have far too many. i always overwhelm myself with goals, and then never do any of them. its a problem. here are some: to not waste time. to learn to dance. to be published somewhere besides lifeway sometime. to be more disciplined. to read a lot of things. to pray more. to love more. to stand up straight. to have prettier hands. to eat healthy. to remain organized for more than 10 minutes in a row. to laugh. to talk. to be outside more. to live. to grow. and ever so many more.i dont want to be ugly when i grow up. and i mean that in the most superficial and the deepest way possible, and also in neither of those ways. well, i dont really know what i mean. you know. but i am content with me, when all is said and done, i think. at least sortof. not content in the finished sense, but in the other kind, where you feel like things are how they should be at this moment. and in a minute things can change, and you will cry or laugh or who knows what, and you will grow and go backward a little and you might be different tomorrow, but maybe not and its all ok. and things are good. and they will be tomorrow, too, because He is good. and there are things to be done [!], and im ready to do them. or im ready to try, anyway, i think. and im only a little scared. im ready to go places, and only some of those places are literal.
tomorrow:
i plan to buy a chair.
and i will be happy.
and i will read some books.
and write a poem, and maybe even work.
hopefully.
and i will listen to good music, and i will dance, just a little.
and maybe-hopefully i will get some tacobell and hotfudge.
and i will leave my window open, even at night.
and i will, perhaps, find a constallation chart.
and things will be good.

Posted 1/4/2006 5:03 PM

{ slightly haunted }

2007-10-22T12:42:00.000-05:00

i love the bed at my grandparents house that we always sleep in: its rather wonderful in all the best ways. its creaks so nicely, but not when youre sleeping [at least i dont hear it, but that doesnt say too much.] and theres that nice spot where you just roll to, and its rather comfortable. its old, too, but not too old to have many ghosts. just a couple of haunt-y spots. [but i think whenever we get home, ill sleep on my couch in my own dear house. its funny how different places are so different from each other. east tennessee is terribly realistic, texas is day-dreamy. this makes it really weird when something realistic happens in texas, or something day-dreamy in tennessed. but home is [usually] a balanced mix, and school is generally very well balanced, and thats good for me mostly, i think. a good dose of realistic is necessary, and a good dose of daydreams are lovely, but i think that its probably better not to have too much of either, on a very regular basis. a nice mix of both is probably best to have all the time, although some things are not to be always.] i should walk outside more. i have a feeling that im missing lots of terribly beautiful and inspiring moments because im inside, not that inside isnt inspiring, you know. and yesterday we walked down the ghost road. ive been convinced rather all my life that that particular road has been haunted, and i still am. and i voted to walk down the other road, but no one would hear anything of it--it was down that road we were to go, and that was the end of that. goodness. well, reason and broad daylight reminded me soon enough that it wasnt especially haunted in daytime, but ooo im not going to walk there at night [!] i dont know why i think it isisis haunted, really, because im not necessarily sure i believe in ghosts, but this road just looks haunted. full of trees and such, and it doesnt go to any place that i know of. which is something, i think, because most roads seem to go somewhere, even if that somewhere is far away. this road just seems to go right on into nowhere. perhaps therein lies some of the hauntedness. of course, it is easier to believe in ghosts when one reads a lot of l.m. montgomery all at once, and ive been drowning myself in her writing all week. im sure im even writing a bit like her right now, even. egads. but she is rather wonderful. and ive been reading the emily books, after ive been meaning too for probably 10 years, at her suggesstion. very dis/encouraging for a writer too [emily was a writer, and she was good at it, and all of that], but rather wonderful [!] i actually laughed out loud four times, in three books. thats a good ratio. and look at this lovely thing:

"...when it became sadly evident that mr. wallace's calls at new moon had ceased, the reason was eventually discovered. [emily] had told mr. wallace that she could not marry him.
"why?" demanded aunt elizabeth in icy disapproval.
"his ears, aunt elizabeth, his ears," said emily flippantly. "i really couldnt risk having my children inherent ears like that."

i always knew that was a valid reason not to get married. not necessarily a good valid reason, but a valid one nevertheless. [!] oh, but girls, if you want to borrow them in j-term, [when theres lots of time to read, thank heavens,] feel free! they are lovely. also, if i ever get a dog, i mean to get one that i have to keep up with when we go walking, rather than one whom i have to drag along. i disapprove of that, it makes things rather more difficult. [plusalso: i like people who can keep up with me and whom i can keep up with, or be just a little behind and ahead of each other, and that way we can race to keep up with ourselves.] although if i ever get a dog, im sure i have lots of ideals [not licking me all over, and chewing things and such] about it that will not exactly come to pass just as i want them too. i think thats a point of something, i think. maybe i should get a dog. i do get things awfully stuck in my head sometimes. im finding more and more that i set things up in my head just how i want them and then i really am truly perplexed when they arent that way. mostly about the way things and people look, and the names of things, and how people are. o dear. i should probably break that habit, i feel rather sure. perhaps ill have to make resolutions this year. usually i just skip it cause i make rather a lot of resolutions all the time, but maybe some of them will work better if its on new years, like officially and all of that. new years is always a funny thing to think of, how on earth has it gotten around to it again, and what shall happen next and all of that. [but heres a 157 kisses for new years, loves. xxxxx, plus the rest of them] thank goodness i am not in charge, and im eversoglad that i know who is[!] because im probably a mess, i think. and i dont even know what to do about things, or with things, but possibilites are terribly dreadful and exciting things. [!]

Posted 12/30/2005 11:46 AM

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

2007-10-22T12:39:00.000-05:00

the world is a confusing place [but full of glorious excerpts [or extras [?]]]
three sets of brackets, gah. my punctuation is getting out of control.

but it took me 12 hours to think of it, minus the 7 i was asleep. so i guess thats even? probably.

* * * * *

"sometimes you feel the world is coming to an end.
and then sometimes you feel the world is just b e g i n n i n g ?"

[umhum. [ old movies are soo sexy.]]

Currently WatchingThe Sound of Music (40th Anniversary Edition)

Posted 12/28/2005 5:29 PM

[ so, feliz navidad.]

2007-10-22T12:36:00.000-05:00

i think the feeling i hate mostest in the whole world is knowing that im not good enough for, oh, whatever. school, or friends or whatever. i guess capable is what i mean. i really hate feeling uncapable.
but anyway, the point of that was that ive been feeling o-so-uncapable for a while now, but now even more and differently and also just ridiculous
because i cant speak spanish except a little, and he [israel, student from ecuador who is studying in texas that daddy met him and his family when he was in ecuador last november, and israel came here for christmas since he couldnt go to home for some reason. i dont know enough spanish to know why not yet.] but he speaks only the smallest amount of english and im very flustered, and uncapable, and its so weird to be that way when im home, because it should be all comfortable here, and it mostly is. but also very uncomfortable.
because even though i suck a mug at spanish [i learned the alphabet in spanish 3 for goodness sakes], i speak it the best out of my whole family [cause i did learn a lot of stuff before the alphabet, i guess, thank heavens], and a lot of other people too. and thats just sad.
also, its very no good. and im getting veryvery good at rearranging things in my head to work with my limited vocabulary. im thinking of a lot of spanish in my head, even when im talking english, so i can try and remember things.
and im trying osohard to function as some sort of translator person. and yes, my spanish has improved a lot in the past week, let me tell you, [!] and so has his english. but its still very bad, and osohard, and most of our conversations [with each other, and when im "translating"--[ha!]-- go like this: [either person can start, in either language:]
"words, words, words"
"repeating what you said?"
"no se. more words said in attempt to clarify."
"que?"
"repeats what we said already."
"oh, no se.[!] repeate, y no rapidimente, porfavor."
"say it again"
"*sigh.* no se. donde esta un dicctionario?"
"aqui"
*making thinking faces and looking up necessary words."
"try again."
"eh?"
"gaaahh! no se, no se."
"gah. muy mal. lo siento."
"si, es muy dificil. no es importante."
"un momento. *looks at dictionary again*."
"some awful mix of spanish and english"
" no comprendo! gaaaaah!"
"gaaaaaaah! no se, no se."
and its very funny and ridiculous and laughing and looking up things and flustered and thinking really hard in another language. and its hard. harder than i would have guessed. i feel stupider more often than i would have expected, or strictly desired. and weird.
if i were somewhere else in a different country or something, i would expect to not be able to communicate and i would revel in how different we all are and how cool sounding that language is, and i wish i could speak it [but i wont bother], and also how im so glad that english is a relatively common language]. but im at my house and i should be able to talk and i cant [at least not to the extent that im used to to everyone] and its weird. and i dont like it and i dont like to feel stupid, and i dont want other people to feel stupid. and its just no good, altogether.
and words are important to me
well, because i like them. and i like it when they are used well, and cringe when they are used badly, and i want to know them and about them, and play with them and make them pretty, and i like to speak them [duh] and hear them ever so much. its practically my favorite. ever, i think. at least almost.
and i like what they accomplish, and how they go about accomplishing things
in that simmer-y way
but anyway, i was just thinking today how absolutely crazy it is that there are so many more words in the world, probably like a thousand other languages worth. like not necessarily in meaning, but in tenses and conjugations and grammar, histories and idioms and dialects, sound and feel and weight.
and i only know like .0000000158 of those words
actually, probably less and that is absolutely crazy
and i never will know them either. and hardly even some of them. and thats so weird. and then theres all the people we wont get to know, and all their stories
theres not enough time and i probably waste the time i do have; i dont love enough, or do enough about it [mamaT again].
cause im stupid, and who even knows why else
i dont know. and then daddy sang that one song with the men's group for christmas music this weekend
i forget what its called.
but whatever. and it said something like "and that Baby, not yet speaking, was the Word of God to man."
and i just thought about how beautiful that was--

[ so, feliz navidad.]

Posted 12/23/2005 12:03 AM -

12.09.05

2007-10-22T12:34:00.000-05:00

its funny how just a change in scene or talking with favoritest people can inspire a fresh flow of thoughts. new thoughts are good. umhum. [so--talking my head off.[!]]
consequently, ive been scribbling in my new little notebook [which is awesome, and im so glad i have it. because ive needed it. my regular notebook, which i actually do miss very much despite the coolness of the little one, is easier to write in and nice to hold. but unfortunately, that is one of those things still in the car waiting to be unpacked. im a mess.]
anyway, its so nice to be home among all the nice familiar things and christmas. this weekend was all of the church music stuff, and i dont even know if i can explain why i love that so much. i made everyone go twice [and i would have gone the third time, if could have managed it, but i couldnt.] i dont know why i love it sooo much, really. and its not like im especially in love with all christmas music. i think its the choir, actually. and all the people singing altogether, and everything. really, its one of the few things that makes me tearyish.
also, i miss being in a choir. i like having something to make perfect. i had ballet, and choir and stuff, and now i have writing, but thats harder for some reason. maybe because in choir someone else is responsible for making you sound good, and with writing its all you. but i do enjoy it a very great deal when i feel like i can make something perfect after i write it. not that that happens all that often. i mostly just love those moments where i think i have finally written a line of poetry that works. how rare [!]
i started my first book of the break [my goal is to read 4 over christmas] and i forgot how much i lovelovelove to read for fun. its everso lovely. also: i need to reread the best christmas pagent ever this year, im pretty sure. i think i skipped last year. also, i really like how the Christmas Story is soo famiilar in that way where i almost have it memorized and when someones reading it i can say it along with them and know just whats coming, but i probably couldnt recite it. maybe i could, i dont know. i havent tried. but then still also, its still lovely.
and i just took the contacts out of my eyes for the second time in like a month, or month and a half or something. it feels funny without them.
gah, i want to be good at something. i remembered that this weekend. like i might even want to be an expert at something. or something like that. but it is a comfort to know that i do have some sense about me, at least sometimes. and i do think i have relatively good instincts [if i could just follow them]. like: i usually have a good idea of what to wear to places. and what not to do with necklaces. and how to call the ambulance if necessary, and how to refrain if its not. and other stuff. not too much sense, yet, but there is the smallest hope that someday there will be more.
its funny to notice your own speech patterns. like i know i talk fast, and probably mumble a lot of times, but i dont really know that i am. except for every once in a while i catch myself and im amazed and like wow. that was horrible, and i should talk clearer.
but anyway, lately ive caught myself being very uncommittal, and um-ming a lot, and saying "something" and "stuff." hmm. who even knows why. its probably a phase.
also, i think its so terribly important to know the harmonies to things, because it just sounds prettier that way, so ive been working on it. because i fully intend to be one of those ladies who sits in the back of church and belts out the harmonies [even very badly] to all of these great old songs with my hair up in a bun and pearls and heels, like i know what im singing about [!] cause by that time, lets hope i do. but i want to know what happens if everyone thinks its important to know the harmonies? then theres no melody, and thats a problem, but how are we supposed to know who sings what? i think maybe there should be sections in church too, like in choir. except, i think i found out that i know a lot of the tenor harmonies instead of the alto ones, because daddy sings louder than mumma, i guess, and its been that way for my whole life. but he sings tenor, so i picked a lot of those up, i think ? im not even sure, exactly. but if i do know the tenor ones, thats a smidgin embarrassing and kindof weird and mostly awkward, and whatever am i going to do to correct that? i dont even know.
i think i get sleepier a lot faster without contacts in my eyes. hum.

currently reading: the best christmas pagent ever

Posted 12/19/2005 2:28 AM

first things first

2007-10-22T12:25:00.000-05:00

well, first things first.
im pretty sure ive posted this for like every finals week for as long as ive lived, or at least as long as ive known about it. but it still makes me eversohappy, because its wonderful [hooray! for funny men]. not to mention i am a traditional, if not sentimental, person. or maybe im sentimental if not traditional. eh, i forget. but it doesnt matter, really. the point is that i hope i survive.
>>>
"ARGHHH!!!
i wish i had the superpower to disappear.
but, alas, i cannot! i am but a mere mortal! and what then when a person is thrown around by life's cruel intentions? will we not drown in the depths of such madness? wail about in the clear, sticky web, spun by some egomaniacal force? are we not all hidden in this veil of mortal ignorance? we are all different--so are we not all the same? are we but dreamers in a container of liquid nitrogen--freezing in a binary machine of infinirt inferiority?! this dream is never-ending! this conversation never happened! all that exists is the english* exam! my life is nothing after the bubbles are darkened!
the caveat is the textbook--her eyes stab into the gray brain of illogical conclusions. and who then will solve life's mysteries--the reports floating in cyberspace, the news-bits in the ten-second media blitz that derives forbidden pleasure from economic meltdowns and the unforeseen destruction of foreign economic policy??are we not men and women who deny this marshmallow-world, with all of its mushy truth--its own self-absorbed bitterness that falls like a single tear, with majesty as ephemeral as a swan floating on its own reflection?!?!?!??!???
answer me! for the truth, i must know! in all of its unknowable-glory! so i can die--a happy girl!* will i not know? can i know? or will these truths forever escape me like a mink hiding in a foxhole. had we only the patience, an understanding, could we know such things--but patience does not exist. there exists nothing but single moments that live and die. and thursday* is my lit crit* final.* after thursday* will be the end of the world. but until then i exist to study. after thursday* will be the end of the world! make peace with God. make peace with nature, for the truth will set everyone free!
good day!"

p.s words followed by a star [*] may be substituted for applicable word of choice.

<<<
i think watching me during finals week would be a funny thing, and i didnt even think about it till today when my roommate was taking pictures, but apparently, i change clothes a lot when i study. and i knew i did this sometimes: like if i put on something in the morning, and it doesnt even feel like that kind of day, i will change until i find something that feels like "today." and also, if i have to do something really important [even if its just in my room, like writing something or something], ill put on something that feels really important, like a skirt or dress shoes or something. [im veryvery much a mood clothes-picker-outer/wearer.] but goodness, ive been in a changing clothes mood lately. i guess ive been bad at guessing what i feel like in the first place. now, i remember both my little sisters changing clothes a lot, but i dont remember doing it till i got older. so maybe it is genetic after all. we'll blame that anyway, i think. but. today i think i was in 3 pairs of pants, and then pajamapants, and like 6 shirts or something and hats, and socks or no socks, and sunday shoes and tennis shoes and barefoot and scarfs and hoodie, so in every picture im in something different, i think. i really couldnt find what i needed to wear. and i know, thats ridiculous. it really is. but i think i found it now: striped warm socks, bestest pajamapants, softest vneck, pearl earrings, hat. i probably dont even match, but it doesnt matter, for this is the clothescombination for studying today, and all is right with the world again.
goodness, im a very ridiculous person. and talkintoable [!].
also: my goals for the next month and halfish include:
being perfectly inspired so i can write something genius next semester
sleeping a lot
reading lots of good things
living.
not eating everything ever, and maybe even exercise
thinkingthinkingthinking
becoming better at conversation.
and being gracious and not worrying and writing at least some.

i always intimidate myself with my to-do lists. i should start making achievable goals.
im mostly sure i was relatively disasterous altogether this week. and i was having a hard time with that and not even liking it one bit until someone reminded me that things werent actually all about me. and they didnt say that in so many words, and they didnt say it a really snotty way, either, and it really turned my week around again. i forget that so much. even if i am a walking disaster about osomany things, [or things dont work out, or things are stupid, or anything at all, really] it doesnt even matter, because there are more important things. like wiggling toes, and hotchocolate, and friends, and the poorest of the poor, and praying, and laughing, and hospitals and wars and love and christmas and life.
i was talking with a friend the other day about how easy it is to forget these things, and how sad it is that we do forget, because we shouldnt, and i decided that the only way to remember is to keep it in front of your face mostly every single day instead of avoiding it. and for a long time, i think i was scared to do this because i was afraid that if i keep heartbreaking things in front of my face, i would lose the beauty. but im mostly sure i was wrong when i thought that, because im pretty sure that you dont have to choose one or the other. i think you get both, so mostly theres no excuse. it may be harder to reconcile things, and to see both at the same time, but im pretty sure both will be there in the end, and that is grace right there, and thats something. [!]
;

and in this case, i think that doing the actual being is
somthing like taking the good, clean laundry straight
from the dryer, and turning on some really good
music and lying on the floor and covering yourself
all over with the laundry. sometimes, the buttons
from the blue jeans burn, and somtimes its too hot,
but mostly you just let the warmness spread all over you.
its also like libraries and frostbite and cookies and running into
things, and snuggly pajamas. and that analogy is right, i think.

Posted 12/11/2005 11:46 PM - email it

i heart my grandcat.

2007-10-13T15:31:00.000-05:00

right, so. when i was driving somwhere [in nashville, most likely, so it probably figures] there was a car, and the car had a bumpersticker that said:

i heart my grandcat.

firstly, that just made me giggle, because that is just osovery funny sounding. but then i started thinking about it and i got confused because what does that even mean? did the lady's cat have baby cats? does her grandchild have a cat? does her child have a cat that they treat like an actual child? is it someone who has a cat for a grandmother? does the person just call their grandmother "cat"? i dont even know, but any way you go, its weird. and i dont even understand that. people should work on being clear when they talk about things like that. and other things too, i suppose.
and heres another one. well, first of all i decided several things about christmas music. 1) i decided that christmas music is very much like catholic things. catholic people all hear the very same sermon every single week, apparently, and at christmas, every single place you ever even go to is playing all the same music and all the radio stations too. so thats pretty crazy. 2) that i do indeed have a limit about how much christmas music i want to hear. maybe it is different if its the really great versions of all the songs [i really do think that there are standards and classics for these things. not all christmas music is equal, you know. for example, at work there is one version of "white christmas" that they play and its bing crosby singing it, and that is one of the classic ones but they put him singing it over some hideous sounding techno mix or something like that. ket me assure you that the effect is simply unbearable.] right, but i thought i could mostly listen to christmas music for a really long time [during the christmas season, of course,] because its so...great, and classic and it just makes you want to drink hot chocolate and snuggle up or something. but mostly, i was wrong, i guess. after 7 hours in a row of mostly awful christmas music, i am perfectly content to listen to something else for the whole rest of the day.

bother, i had all kinds of things to say when i started writing, and im forgetting them. this is a problem, because i need to remember all the things to write down that i can. [see, i really dont think i can write things when i grow up. i have no plots in my head evereverever, just a whole lot of terrribly interesting people with terribly interesting quirks.] im all kinds of forgetful lately, too. i forget to eat, and sleep, and where i put my keys. and they were lost for a whole 2 days, which gets a smidgin inconvient, let me tell you and i had to hop through my window a whole bunch of times, but then i found them, of course in a spot where i had looked 2934 times already.
oh. i remember what i was saying about christmas music. there is this one song that they played 35 times [because there are only so many of them, you know, so you get a lot of repeats] that said something about how "christmastime is here all over the world" and i couldnt even decide if thats true or not, because what i dont know is whether or not its christmas in places they dont even celebrate christmas. like in africa. the whole continent is probably celebrating kwanza or however you spell it, and consequently, it wouldnt be christmas. but then again, is christmas, or anything really, dependent on whether people believe that it is happening? or maybe that only works with some things--like gravity happens regardless of whether someone thinks it does or doesnt--instead of about everything. who even knows. but the point is, they should be clear about that.

i wishwishwish i was not so completely bumbling and ungracious. and i wish i knew what to say. i never know what to say. wouldnt it be nice if we could keep all the things we like about ourselves [because there are a few things here and there, im sure] and get rid of all the things we dont like [because there are some of those too.] wouldnt it be interesting to see if people kept and got rid of the same things in each other. probably so. and probably it would cause some problems too. i dont know.
we were debating the correct pronunciation of "contemplative" the other day [thanks to mamaT, of course. and hey, we did the first day of that today, and i dont even think it was awful. but i probably talked like crazy fast, but its alright.], and we came to the conclusion that we didnt even know how to say it, and i didnt even have a dictionary, so i couldnt look it up, [which is a quirk of my own, i do like to look things up in a good dictionary, which reminds me, im supposed to be learning one new word everyday, for the sole reason of being a genius at scrabble when i grow up, but i keep forgetting. but i think being a genius at scrabble is a new goal of mine.]
but i should be more contemplative, anyway, is the point of that. and i have been, i think, lately contemplating more, and tonight when i was running errands, i made a very conscious effort to be thinkingthinkingthinking the whole entire time instead of zoning out. and then i remembered that i cant run errands and write things down at the same time, so i was doing a whole lot of talking outloud so i could hopefully remember the most important things, which, alas, i cant. but probably i will remember them in about 2 days at some really awkward point in the day. so im sure i looked very funny too, when i was walking around places. but o well. i didnt even see anyone i know, except for 2 people, and thats practically a record anymore. i havent even had that much time to hang out this semester [and i miss it!], but i hardly even need to because i have just been running into people like crazy everywhere i ever go. and that makes me scared for when i grow up how many people im going to run into all the time. and also, its funny to think of all the people that you know and how many that is, and how many you will know in your whole life. thats probably a whole lot of people. and that makes my head dizzy. [i think i sound like a hippie in this paragraph probably. i am interested in hippie things lately apparently, and with going with the flow and last night at work i got the "flowerchild" award, which was sortof random. but more about this later, probably] but at any rate, i like people [except for when they pretend to be world-destroying aliens, and various things of that sort], and im curious about them and im glad for them, except for sometimes. and im glad i am one mostly. i decided that.

currently playing: ain't nothing like the real thing, baby

Posted 12/5/2005 3:44 PM

shrubbery

2007-10-13T15:28:00.000-05:00

i get tired of me sometimes. i say all the same things over and over, which is very repetitive and i bore myself. and also: i freeze up and flip out at the wrong times, and forget to do my [lots of] homework in the daytime.
and i have too much voice, and not enough voice, and im getting a cold, i think maybe. i wrote an editorial, [but im still a smidgin worried about it].
all the same:
that sounds like something i dont need to hear. how about you give me your opinion about some shrubs i plan on planting along the driveway?
and i need a poem in my head. and maybe a novel or something too. and i want it to be genius.
and even though--even though!--all of that, i think i might finally be getting comfortable with me in my own skin. not every day, or every minute, but sometimes, like once every 10 minutes. and sometimes even every 5 minutes or so. and thats good enough for right now. things are good. crazy, weird, strange and scary. but alright. and alright's alright. and im ok with that.
and ill take any hugs available. ive been in a hugish mood lately, for who even knows why.

currently reading: the things they carried

Posted 11/30/2005 4:17 AM

good,strong,sweet-smelling detergent

2007-10-13T15:22:00.000-05:00

from the mixed up files of mrs. basil e. frankweiler is, perhaps, one of the most influential books that i have ever read. i dont even know how that works, because its not even the best book ive ever read, but it reallyreally is wonderful, just like libraries and hotfudgesundaes and sunday afternoon naps. because those are things that should be had, and i am not even exagurrating. but anyway: this book has really influenced a whole lot of things in my life, and i seem to have managed to memorize whole sections of it, because i have read it that much [because it is very re-readable, and its that nice kind of re-readable where you dont even have to read the whole thing, you can just pick it up from the middle.] but anyway, the part that came to mind this thanksgiving was when claudia was falling asleep in marie antoinette's bed and it says "she, too, was hungry. and she, too, was uncomfortable. how could so elegant and so romantic a bed smell so musty? She would have liked to wash everything in a good, strong, sweet-smelling detergent." i wanted to do that. and sometimes i cant.

* * * * *

i can hardly imagine a childhood not full of baking cookies and mother goose and hurt-but-because-we-love-you spankings and roomcleaning and giggles and exploring.
then i remember that this is not always the case, and i am sad.

[ also, i can hardly even begin to understand about all the differences of people--all the smallest parts of your brain, and all the secrets that are hidden inside, and all the inside jokes and funny things, and sad things and tear-worthy things, and things-to-be-passionate-about and favorites and petpeeves and conversations and everything.
it makes my head hurt to think about that probably, because i dont even know how that works.]

anyway, when i go to tennessee, [which sounds funny to say because, i was already in tennessee, of course, but there it is. i was going to the other side of it anyway,] but anyway, when i am there, i remember--more personally--that people hurt and are not okay. and so often, they arent okay in ways that they dont even know they arent okay because they are so used to not being okay that they think it really is okay, but its not. like for example, margaret, age 8, who is my 2nd cousins daughter, i think [but i may be wrong] and [i think?] her dog had fleas and its losing its fur and its gross and her mom wont get the medicine for it, but she loves it because thats all she has, and her mom has had who knows how many boyfriends, and she has no father present, and everyone around yells at her for no reason, and im sure she struggles in school, and shes growing up in a home where i had to not breathe very much [and breathe through my sleeve] because it smelled like gross. and that makes me sad for margaret, and that she wont know that things arent supposed to be that way.
and then i dont understand about life and things, and it makes me sad.
and i can sit there and sniff my shirt sleve [which did, thankfully, smell like a good strong detergent. but then i get so mad at myself cause im sure a lady wouldnt do that. i need to be so much more gracious. i want to be that.] while im at those smelly places all day [but only while no one is looking], but it wont really do anyone any good. its still there--both the smell and the circumstances.
and then i feel bad because i feel like i should do something about it, but i cant really do anything about it, except for try to be wonderful to margaret while im there and talk to her and maybe even hug her, but nothing else, so why should i even bother? it probably wont make any difference anyway, but, then again, it might [thats mother teresa again for you]. so i dont know.
[i need to know the importance of small.]

* * * * *

i think that it was yesterday when i remembered that i cant draw brackets very well at all. and this is rather unfortunate because i like them muchly better than parenthesis. therefore:
no brackets unless typed [!]
[unless i practice a whole bunch first]

* * * * *

also: its weird to think about all of the things that have happened before i got here. it was weird to stand in williamsburg, for example, and places like that and think that "hey, george washington probably slid his hand down this stairwell just like im doing now." and wondering how many other people had danced on that very same dance floor and where are they now and what are they doing and stuff. and all of the people doing all kinds of things and so much has happened already, and so much more will happen and we're all crazy different and crazy similar and a whole hoo-shaah of other things and it makes me want to run around like a chicken. but only in my head. other things really do make me run around like a chicken for real, and not just in my head, but plenty of things make the running around happen only in my head. and its nice to know that just because sometimes you are running around in one of those places, you are not necessarily running around in the other place.

but whether im running around like a chicken or not: i cant forget to breathe.
and while im breathing, i can do a contented little sigh, probably.
because mostly, life is good. you know. [except if i forget to breathe then it wont be good anymore].

* * * * *

these are pretty things ive been reading today:
i missed this in the beginning of church this morning, which is not unexpected. im usually [always] late for church. bother. but the clever thing about it was, i could look it up later, so i did.

o israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. he himself will redeem israel from all their sins. i wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word i put my hope.

and this is the 5th poem [well, actually, just part of it] that i read today when i should i have been taking a nap or something else, like homework or something. [when i read poetry, i dont read one all the way through, until i find one that suits me, and then i read it osonicely [10pointfont, deep slow voice] and savor it. and this one was lovely, like sundayafternoon naps, and hotfudgesundaes and a good sunburn, the barely there, but slightly pink and warm and a smidgin painful kind. and that analogy is right, i think.

...famous streets have forgotton
where they were going. only
a fact could be so dreamlike.
they're tearing down the houses
we met and lived in,
soon our two bodies will be all
left standing from that era.

we have, as they say,
certain things in common.
i mean: a view
from a bathroom window
over slate to stiff pigeons
huddled every morning; the way
water tastes from our tap,
which you marvel at, letting
it splash into the glass.
because of you i notice
the taste of water,
a luxury i might
otherwise have missed.

Posted 11/27/2005 8:58 PM -

speaking of confessions:

2007-10-13T15:16:00.000-05:00

emily: (reads on the cover of my newly aquired mass book:) PROPERTY OF ST.
MARY'S. DO NOT REMOVE. she decides that i stole it and deserve at
least purgatory, if not hell. "julie you stole from the church. the church. the
catholic church like with capital letters.[!!!]
me: "wow, so i pretty much just "stole" from the pope himself?"
emily: "no, more like the archbishop. but the point is that you still stole from the
Catholic Church!"
me: "no, no, i didnt. cause i didnt actually steal it. its more like i flirted with the monk and
he gave it to me."

so, yes. im the proud owner of a 2005 mass/prayer/hymnal book. its blue, in case anyone was wondering.[i guess i should clarify: i didnt flirt too much, and it is the last week of the liturgical year, so they didnt need them anymore. i didnt actually know they had new mass every year, i thought it was the same for like ages and ages and ages. but whatever.] after mass was over, lori and i had to go right over to the bookstore and sit down and read "catholicism for dummies" so we could finally figure out what we just sat through. but it was terribly interesting, nevertheless, but i dont think im going to convert. pretty sure. and the boy that i found while we were actually at mass was no help whatsoever, really, except that he told us how to get blessed instead of take the eucharist, because we arent allowed to anyway. [i think im developing a knack for finding useful men, which is a useful skill: terry the mechanic, the highway boys, the free-donut-men, the state troopers at quizno's, the kroger guy [but not steve, i miss steve], the cute blond boy at mass, [protestant] church boys, the movie-fixer man, the fazoli's boy, tornado boy, the monk. its like my grandmotherly women at places, and i love them muchly too, except for they are usually confined to the grocery store. i talk to the women in the grocery store, so they dont get place names, they get food names: the butter lady, the potato lady, the bridal-shower-cake-convention [there were about 6 ladies in on that one], the crazy check-out lady, and things like that. except i do have a jewlry store girl, and the dressing room ladies[!]. these people make me happy. also: one of the funniest things straight up that my father has ever said to me was one time when my car was broken and i was worried cause i had no one to help me figure out what to do, and i was unsure about talking to the car-shop boys cause i thought they wouldnt help me. so i call dad and expressed these concerns and he said something to the effect of "julie. goodness. just go in there and look pretty and helpless and smile at the boys. they will help you." i laughed my head off about that one; i dont think things really work like that too much. maybe a smidgin, but not too much. and even if they do, fathers certainly should not be the ones to tell you to make use of it.

[ im afraid that im talking too much about catholic sorts of things lately, and i probably will keep doing it mostly, but i cant help it. Mama T. really is consuming very much of my thought time and the regular time. but its ok, cause she is precious. but catholic stuff might be talked about a lot for the next 2 weeks. it was interesting though, cause i kept thinking during mass last night about how this or that was a "very protestant thing to do," and today during church i kept thinking, "well, that was super catholic." so that was pretty weird.
and also: i promise all of this is related in my head. somehow.]

also, i dont know how babies noses work. i mean, i assume [even though you know what happens about that] they work just like everyone elses [with the exception of the gut-sucker-upper, which is what i called it cause i never knew its real name--you know, the bulb thing you stick in babies noses when they are stuffy? right, im glad grown-ups dont have those] i was holding a baby [and such a precious one!] last week and it made me happy, but i still dont want one, but i decided that all babies have the same type of little button noses. and i dont know how that even works. and ive been watching babies noses ever since then and they all have the cutest noses, but they are all just the same. but the really weird thing is that when you grow up, everyone has a different nose. like: i look just like i did when i was little. except for my nose [well, and size and weight and more hair and stuff. but otherwise, just the same]. its really confusing.

and also: its nice how when suddenly there is are holes that seem osoempty, and you are sad because you dont know how on earth you are going to be able to fill them, and they look like something out of star trek, and thast sortof depressing, and vast, and then suddenly, the holes are filled holes with new things and its just the same, and usually, in my experience its better, really [!] and if you dont think about it, you would never know the difference.
"there is a nothingness that will be filled with a new and expanding fruitfulness."

from class notes for test: "the opposite of all beauty is indifference" and "love is a force. love will flip over a table." yes, in someone's world anyway. in my world, at least today, and at this moment, both of those things are true and they make me want to eat chicken and macandcheese and peas and brownies, and pass my tests, and sleep, and write a novel and go walk around town some more. [i lovelovelove jsut walking around to different stores and looking at things and stuff like that. i would call it by its proper name--piddling-- but people made fun of me for that once. so now i just call it running around town. and it makes me osohappy. its probably one of the most relaxing things ever, because the trick is to go all the best and most interesting places, and not stay long enough to get tired.] also, i want to talk to people that i want to talk to, and make it until thanksgiving. [givethanksgive thanks].
and im kidding about the novel, but i'd settle for a poem, or a paper.
there are things worse than dying [apparently.]

[im doubtful and drowsy and ready to sleep
let the morningtime drop all of its petals on me.
life, i love you, all is groovy.
currently playing: tales from new york / simon and garfunkel]

Posted 11/20/2005 7:19 PM -

»» a succession of confessions: «

2007-10-13T15:12:00.000-05:00

[i have been wondering about catholic people lately. mostly because of mother teresa, you know. confession#1: catholic people confuse me on several points. but thats besides the point strictly at hand; confessions seemed appropriate in spite of my confusion.]

» i lovelovelove to read magazines. i have read practically every word that counts of every magazine in our room, and i hate it when they call me quickly at the dentist, cause then i didnt have time to read all of the last issue of good housekeeping, or whatever [usually at the dentists, you get stuck with strictly womens magazines, or parenting, or ESPN. there is no middle ground with dentists, and they dont believe in target audiences like little kids, teenage girls, or anything else, and they hardly believe in anything interesting. but its alright. i dont mind good housekeeping too much, really. yeah, i like it actually].
if i had more time, i would read more magazines [i would read more books too. i should do that anyway. [oooh, and write more] books dont make you feel fat, anyway, and thats one thing in their favor. one feels inherently more fat after you read a magazine, at least a decent magazine. but i still like it muchly anyway, and i just go get a hotfudgesundae to make myself feel better about feeling fat.]

» i forget things that i should already know. like last night there was a ring around the moon and it was big and bright and clear and wonderful. and we looked it up one time about why it does that, but i forgot why. and also the other night when it looked like the moon was being pulled along o-so-quickly by mars, i think. and i felt like i should run after it, lest i lose it, and the moon would be lost forever. when i got home, i was telling my roommates about it and they were like "the clouds were moving, not the moon, stupid." and i really had forgotten that. i was amazed about the moon moving that fast. but they burst my bubble, but i'll survive and i love them still just the same [both the moon and the roommates, actually]. and i forget how to spell gandhi. ghandi? ganhdi? gandhi? gahndi? i forget. and my tornadobuddy, ben, said that maybe it was spelled like ghanna, the country, with the h in the front like ghandi but i said no silly, ghanna the country and gandhi the person arent the same thing, but maybe he was right after all? [he is the guy that said "this, too, will pass. just like a swallowed quarter" and thats pretty smart.] but i have no idea, i forget. and also, i forget if gandhi ever wore a hat.

» also, i forget to breathe sometimes, especially when i talk my head off, which i have certainly been doing lately. i had a pretty good set of less talkative days [3 in a row!] this weekend, but then on monday i decided to talk my head off again. and yesterday i caught myself 3--three!--times and had to tell myself that really, it is necessary to breathe when i talk, and to put space in between my words. and you know that if i catch myself doing that, then its really awful. and also: its possible that i ask too many questions.

» sometimes, i forget how to sit in one spot. i run around in circles. and im restless, and want to cut my hair, and things like that. and i do stupid things, and i feel bad, and i beat myself up and stuff. but theres no need. cause regrets dont help, and neither does fretting, or feeling bad or worrying, or much anything else [well, a few things do, of course: laughing, hotfudge, friends, sleep, impulse buying [o goodness, i think im turning into an impulse buyer. but i think thats genetic?] and things like this. but sometimes you cant have these things right away, and you still just have to be a grown-up lady [-in-training.]
and thats hard work, but good, necessary work. theres a new day tomorrow; what a pleasant thought.

» i only sortof like mint chocolate chip icecream, and i feel bad, cause i think that i think that everyone is supposed to love that kind. and i like it, but i wouldnt pick it if i had the choice. if i had the choice [at a baskin-robbins type place, because i pick different things at different places. or based on mood. im a very mood oriented chooser. with my music, and food, and books, what i wear [!] and all kinds of things. its kind of obnoxious, cause i never know exactly what i'll feel like, so it makes it hard to be prepared [i should have been a boyscout. or something]. thank heavens there are a [precious] few favorites that are pretty much standard, and that i am a pretty much easy-going person, even when i dont get exactly what i want, cause usually if i want it and dont get it, ill still want it tomorrow, so theres a good chance to get it. its not like i would have missed my one opportunity for it. also: i am a good person to eat with [especially at a mexican resturant] because i like the small, broken chips, and i dont want the chunky parts in the salsa. but im also a bad person to eat with because i take small bites regardless of when or what i eat. but o well, such is life. i am also not a person who eats one thing at a time. i like to mix it up.] anyway [!] if i had the choice between mintchocolatechip and something else, i would pick rockyroad. i like that stuff. but thats probably genetic too.

» usually im pretty good about remaining calm, but sometimes i really do forget how to just "go with the flow, man" and how to let things just simmer up out of me. i try to rush, and hurry, and all of that, but simmering and bubbling over is the best way, decidedly.
i think i just need to listen to more hippie music.

Posted 11/15/2005 8:25 PM

300 words

2007-10-13T15:05:00.000-05:00

today I have to make myself write my 300 words, and I don’t want too. im even writing in Microsoftword [that’s why there are capitals] , so I don’t have to write one single word more than necessary. I feel dumb because all these other ‘writers’ say that they love to write, and stuff, and I still don’t. and that confuses me. either they are lying, or I am just plain awful. that’s possible, I guess, but im not sure its likely. I guess is is. also, lately, im getting frusturated because I either have 1) motivation and no time, 2) time and no motivation or 3) motivation and time but absolutely no energy. right now, its #3. I could stay up all night and be productive and I would like to, but I am tired. im not sure I could. and 300 words is more than I realized. I feel very ish, I think. [and tired, and talkative, and restless] yes. ish is a good word for it. very undecisive. [by the way, I went back to arbys and got a mini-mr. mitt on accident. and its pretty great, but he doesn’t answer questions. hes more like the strong silent type.] this is only 200 words. gah. usually at this point I would throw in some lyrics or half-thought-out poetry that I half scribbled down somewhere in the notebook. not today, though. and also: today, my old boss made me happy; he was precious. if men can be charming, it probably doesn’t hurt to be so. one time, we made a list and there were some things that boys are supposed to do, and some things that girls are supposed to do. but there are also some things that everyone is supposed to do [according to consensus], and those are as follows: 1) have some eye-contact, 2) laugh at the other’s jokes and 3) smell pretty. I think we should add some, though, like about being charming, and floss once in a while. and stuff like that. but that’s just my humble opinion. also: if youre inspiring, I want to talk to you. and that’s 345 words. hurrah. [of course, now that im done, I have more to say, like I miss some things, but not everything, and I think I decided about something else I want to do when I grow up, and that I think too much, and I have so much to say, and a whole ton of half ideas [but I want them to be whole ideas, and genius], and I want icecream, and my food tastes have been awfully odd as of late, and I dont even know what I'm doing but I dont mind cause things arent ever so bad in the morning after breakfast [I think I'll have cinnamon toast for sure], but I'll save that for tomorrow. but I should just keep my mouth shut. and go with the flow, man [in the words of two experts]. and also: I want a nap [and the world] to put into my pocket, to save for a rainy day, or a sunny one, or another day. I dont think thats asking too much, is it?]

Currently Reading: A Kiss for Little Bear By Else Holmelund Minarik

Posted 11/14/2005 2:54 AM